Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #785 Parental Guidance Recap - Are Your Kid's Ambitions Theirs or Yours?

Transcript

#785 Parental Guidance Recap - Are Your Kid's Ambitions Theirs or Yours? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for.
0:07
Speaker 2: The time poor parent who just wants answers.
0:10
Speaker 1: Now. Hello, it's doctor Justin Coilson. I'm here with Kylie,
0:13
Speaker 1: my wife, mum to our six kids. I'm the parenting
0:15
Speaker 1: expert and co host on Channel Line's TV show Parental Guidance,
0:18
Speaker 1: which was on last night from seven point thirty. We've
0:22
Speaker 1: got a couple of nights off now, but we're going
0:24
Speaker 1: to review what happened last night and specifically dive into
0:27
Speaker 1: some expert commentary to help to raise happy families. Kylie,
0:32
Speaker 1: so much happens in every single episode. I want to
0:36
Speaker 1: take last night's episode a little differently to normal. Rather
0:39
Speaker 1: than going through each of the challenges and talking about
0:41
Speaker 1: each of the families, I want to talk about a
0:44
Speaker 1: general theme, in fact, two themes that I think we
0:46
Speaker 1: can extract that out of last night. The first one
0:48
Speaker 1: is life skills, whether it's cooking dinner or responding to
0:52
Speaker 1: smoke alarms. And there are a couple of other things
0:54
Speaker 1: in there as well that we can talk about. But
0:56
Speaker 1: life skills were on full display last night. I have
0:59
Speaker 1: to say say in some places they were lacking. They
1:03
Speaker 1: were really lacking significantly, And I just want to talk
1:06
Speaker 1: about motivations, motivations for why kids do what they do
1:10
Speaker 1: and why parents do what they do. Where do you
1:13
Speaker 1: want to start?
1:14
Speaker 2: The top of the list is always a good place
1:15
Speaker 2: to start.
1:16
Speaker 1: Okay, life skills, it is. So the first challenge involved
1:19
Speaker 1: cooking dinner for the parents. Mum, Dad, you get the
1:22
Speaker 1: night off, kids are going to organize dinner. And notice
1:24
Speaker 1: it was organized dinner, it was provide dinner. Here's what
1:28
Speaker 1: happened as teen parents, our children have roles in the family.
1:31
Speaker 3: Yeah, we put a lot of responsibility on both.
1:33
Speaker 1: He's like the captain of the side.
1:35
Speaker 3: So why don't we all have a group discussion about
1:37
Speaker 3: what we want to order to be delivered to us easier.
1:40
Speaker 3: So do we have to cook dinner tonight?
1:43
Speaker 2: You have to provide dinner for us?
1:45
Speaker 1: Well, let's go to maccas what dasah?
1:49
Speaker 3: What do you think You're not going to cook us anything?
1:53
Speaker 1: Then I'll cook us not if there's another option. So
1:57
Speaker 1: we've got two families who have gone straight to the internet.
2:01
Speaker 1: What should we buy? Then we've got the spiritual parents,
2:04
Speaker 1: their kids dived straight into the kitchen. I'm excited that
2:07
Speaker 1: if you don't have to cook. What are you thinking? Pasta?
2:10
Speaker 1: As spiritual parents, real times are very important in our
2:13
Speaker 1: It's a very cool part of our house. Or can
2:15
Speaker 1: I cut off? Give me to pieces? Okay?
2:21
Speaker 2: Because I was guiding midda. As spiritual parents, these are
2:24
Speaker 2: very important kindness, carrying and looking out to your shot.
2:28
Speaker 1: Just taste feel mean I can make the same day. Yeah,
2:33
Speaker 1: if you enjoy making it, I'll enjoy eating it. And
2:39
Speaker 1: the stage parents had a little bit of discomfort around milk.
2:45
Speaker 3: Don't forget, neither of us eat carbs.
2:50
Speaker 1: I'm cooking.
2:51
Speaker 3: I think Zion his number one food is rice.
2:54
Speaker 2: So there was a big chunk of rice, I.
2:57
Speaker 3: Being the right, I mean you took it all apart
3:01
Speaker 3: because I have to save room for the main course,
3:05
Speaker 3: steak and vegetables.
3:07
Speaker 1: Thank you, thank you.
3:08
Speaker 2: So I know you want me to talk about the food,
3:10
Speaker 2: but can I just it's four kitchens for the spiritual parents.
3:14
Speaker 1: Can you imagine all the cleaning.
3:17
Speaker 2: Four kitchens.
3:19
Speaker 1: So we talked about the four kitchens in the studio
3:21
Speaker 1: and they gave us a really clear explanation. And I
3:23
Speaker 1: can't remember what it was because it happened so long ago,
3:26
Speaker 1: but they really loved their family, and they really loved
3:27
Speaker 1: their cooking. And that's the deal. We've got to talk
3:30
Speaker 1: about uber life skills, people life skills. We've got adolescents,
3:33
Speaker 1: we've got grown up teenagers, sort of stuff happening, and
3:38
Speaker 1: we're jumping online and ordering food. Life skills.
3:41
Speaker 2: Well, I'm going to suggest that that wasn't what the
3:44
Speaker 2: team was expecting when they asked them to provide challenge.
3:47
Speaker 2: But they also didn't use the word cook now, they
3:49
Speaker 2: said provide, So I feel like they were being a
3:51
Speaker 2: little bit ambiguous, yes, and giving people opportunities to think
3:55
Speaker 2: outside the box. And I'm going to say that all
3:57
Speaker 2: of the families actually showed significant life skills. I don't
4:01
Speaker 2: think I know how to do uber eats.
4:05
Speaker 1: You know what. That's because we don't do it. We've
4:07
Speaker 1: got the life skills to cook the meal.
4:10
Speaker 2: Yes, I could drive to the shops to get takeaway, which.
4:12
Speaker 1: We do from time to time.
4:14
Speaker 2: But I think they showed brilliance.
4:17
Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to say this. If you're going to
4:19
Speaker 1: use that as life skills, you want to make sure
4:21
Speaker 1: that you've got an abundant income, otherwise you're going to eat.
4:24
Speaker 2: Well, they're not doing it every night.
4:26
Speaker 1: No, of course not. But my point is, hey.
4:28
Speaker 2: You say you're going to give me a night off,
4:30
Speaker 2: and what.
4:30
Speaker 1: Do you do? I have no response to that at all.
4:35
Speaker 1: It's usually Indian on the table.
4:37
Speaker 2: It usually is Indian, and it's delicious and I'm so
4:39
Speaker 2: grateful for it. But let's just be clear.
4:42
Speaker 1: I do cook. Okay, I do cook. I got Sunday roast,
4:46
Speaker 1: Sunday roast every week. I cook the barbecues. But my
4:49
Speaker 1: life skills and there when it comes to cook, okay,
4:53
Speaker 1: pot calling the kettle black. I take it all back.
4:55
Speaker 1: They did a fantastic job on that. We do need
4:58
Speaker 1: to talk more about life skills though in relation.
5:00
Speaker 2: Can I just say having children with licenses is brilliant
5:04
Speaker 2: and if it means that they can go and pick
5:05
Speaker 2: dinner up for me, hands down, I'm excited.
5:09
Speaker 1: We've got to move on to a conversation about the
5:12
Speaker 1: fire alarms. This was not the most riveting challenge to
5:18
Speaker 1: watch on TV, but the lessons that it teaches and
5:21
Speaker 1: the importance, like I hope people are watching the show
5:23
Speaker 1: and saying, hey, kids, we need to have a conversation
5:25
Speaker 1: about this.
5:26
Speaker 2: Yeah, I remember when the kids were younger, we actually
5:29
Speaker 2: did some practice runs we did. We helped them recognize
5:33
Speaker 2: safe evacuation routes, things like that we did live next
5:37
Speaker 2: to a fiery I wonder if that made any difference
5:39
Speaker 2: to what we did back then. We hadn't done that
5:42
Speaker 2: for a very long time. And as I sat there
5:44
Speaker 2: and I watched and saw just how slow I'm going
5:49
Speaker 2: to say the word slow the kids were to react
5:51
Speaker 2: in every family, it really brought to the forour for
5:56
Speaker 2: me how important these conversations are because we all know
6:00
Speaker 2: that those kids were actually safe. There was there was
6:02
Speaker 2: no fire, right, but a fire can get out of
6:04
Speaker 2: hand so fast.
6:07
Speaker 1: But here's the thing. Where there's smoke, there usually is fire.
6:10
Speaker 1: You might walk into a room and not see any
6:12
Speaker 1: fire and think, oh, there's no fire. There's something smoky
6:15
Speaker 1: going on, but there's behind the wall, behind the wall,
6:17
Speaker 1: underneath the floor or in the ceiling, Like just because
6:20
Speaker 1: you can't see flame doesn't mean there's no fire.
6:23
Speaker 2: Well, and we also noticed that one of the kids
6:25
Speaker 2: who actually went in was coughing like crazy.
6:29
Speaker 1: It was sigh on the stage parents, son, I.
6:39
Speaker 3: Saw where I came from that in Mom, it's not
6:43
Speaker 3: a fire good.
6:46
Speaker 2: The reality is that it may not be the actual
6:50
Speaker 2: flaying that.
6:51
Speaker 1: The smoke might be enough to do the harm.
6:53
Speaker 2: Yeah.
6:53
Speaker 1: I love this, and so I mean the stage parents
6:56
Speaker 1: understand it. We said, well that there was no fire.
6:58
Speaker 1: He went in, he looked there was no But that's
7:00
Speaker 1: not the point.
7:01
Speaker 2: If there's smoke, where's the smoke coming from? What kind
7:05
Speaker 2: of smoke is it? We're toxic?
7:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, well we made sure it was non toxic. I'm
7:10
Speaker 1: going to say this in defense of the stage parents
7:11
Speaker 1: and their sons, Zion. They used to stage, they're used
7:14
Speaker 1: to theatrics, they're used to all this sort of stuff.
7:16
Speaker 1: And he probably walked in and went, oh, yeah, okay,
7:19
Speaker 1: this has been set up. So it looks like it's
7:20
Speaker 1: a self regulation because lullies are on the table, but
7:23
Speaker 1: they're set off the smoke alarm, and it's not our
7:26
Speaker 1: smoke alarm. It's not coming from the roof, and the
7:28
Speaker 1: smoke is coming from one of those things. Like he's
7:30
Speaker 1: thirteen years old, he's savvy, But that's kind of beside
7:34
Speaker 1: the point. If we're having the conversation with our children
7:36
Speaker 1: and we're trying to teach them life skills, the.
7:39
Speaker 2: Reason that false sense of security they're all of us
7:42
Speaker 2: have at different times and helping our kids to recognize
7:46
Speaker 2: that it would it's better to act and be safe
7:49
Speaker 2: and be safe than not.
7:51
Speaker 1: One of my favorite podcasts is called Cautionary Tales, and
7:54
Speaker 1: a couple of months ago there was an episode where
7:56
Speaker 1: they were talking about fire in a theater that killed
8:00
Speaker 1: a lot of people. And what researchers have discovered in
8:04
Speaker 1: the decades since that happened is that when there's an emergency,
8:09
Speaker 1: when there's a fire, they don't only talked about one
8:11
Speaker 1: in the theater. They talked about one in a subway
8:14
Speaker 1: in London. There was smoke, there were flames, and people
8:19
Speaker 1: just kind of go about their business. We expect that
8:21
Speaker 1: there's going to be a stampede, a rush, everyone's going
8:23
Speaker 1: to panic, and therefore people try to keep the noise
8:26
Speaker 1: hush hush. They try to say no, no, no, there's nothing
8:28
Speaker 1: to worry about. Just go about your business. When there's
8:30
Speaker 1: an emergency, more often not people just followed the crowd,
8:34
Speaker 1: and if the crowd isn't reacting and panicking, they don't
8:36
Speaker 1: react and panic, and so so many people have died
8:40
Speaker 1: as a result of a lack of panic. Everyone thinks, oh, oh,
8:43
Speaker 1: it's fine, and stairs have collapsed or things have broken
8:47
Speaker 1: down and it's led to tragedy. When I was working
8:50
Speaker 1: recently with the Queensland Fire and Emergency Services doing a
8:53
Speaker 1: big publicity blitz with them, the QFS have a simple
8:57
Speaker 1: three step process, and I think that it's worth highlight
9:00
Speaker 1: it is that you check your smoke alarms with the
9:02
Speaker 1: kids so that they know what the smoke alarms sounds
9:05
Speaker 1: like that piercing shriek. They know what it is and
9:08
Speaker 1: they know what it means. If the smoke alarm's going off,
9:10
Speaker 1: it means there's a good chance that either false alarm
9:12
Speaker 1: or fire. We get up and we check. Then we
9:17
Speaker 1: plan what are we going to do if there is
9:18
Speaker 1: an emergency? And we practice which way do you get
9:21
Speaker 1: out of the house if the fires here? Which way
9:24
Speaker 1: do you get out of the house if the fire
9:25
Speaker 1: is there? Check, plan, and practice three simple steps to
9:28
Speaker 1: keep your family safe. Talking about life skills, I reckon
9:31
Speaker 1: it matters and it's been a really great wake up
9:34
Speaker 1: call for me, for you and I to sit down
9:36
Speaker 1: with the kids and just do a quick checkplan practice
9:38
Speaker 1: for them.
9:39
Speaker 2: The thing that actually stood out to me the most
9:41
Speaker 2: in this challenge was in all of the cases the
9:44
Speaker 2: kids were home alone.
9:45
Speaker 1: Yes, and we set it up that way, obviously the influences.
9:49
Speaker 2: Yes, youngest daughter was home on her own, and while
9:53
Speaker 2: I was blowing away at how slowly she reacted, she
9:57
Speaker 2: got out of there, and she knew that the next
10:00
Speaker 2: point of call was to go to her neighbors.
10:05
Speaker 3: For you can, I come in the face, You certainly can.
10:11
Speaker 1: What's the problem.
10:12
Speaker 3: My parents went home and there's smoke and fire.
10:16
Speaker 4: Alarm went off.
10:18
Speaker 2: She went to her neighbors, told her neighbors what was
10:19
Speaker 2: going on. How many of our kids actually know our
10:22
Speaker 2: neighbors and would.
10:23
Speaker 1: Go and sang on the door.
10:24
Speaker 2: Yeah. I looked at their spiritual parents' daughter. She knew
10:29
Speaker 2: that she needed help, but she had no idea who
10:33
Speaker 2: to go.
10:34
Speaker 1: To smoke smoke amer per square.
10:41
Speaker 2: The PLA. And I loved how as the spiritual parents,
10:46
Speaker 2: they actually acknowledged that they've taught the king open the windows,
10:50
Speaker 2: taught the kids open the windows, and.
10:52
Speaker 4: Quick, quick, don't open the windows, and don't fan the smoke,
10:55
Speaker 4: and fan the smoke, don't you. And that's exactly what
10:59
Speaker 4: they did. They did exactly what they were taught. Yes,
11:02
Speaker 4: and so I think.
11:04
Speaker 2: You know, if you're dealing with a little bit of
11:06
Speaker 2: smoke in the kitchen because you burnt something in some oil.
11:11
Speaker 2: Then yes, you want to found the smoke.
11:12
Speaker 1: Away, turn on the exhaust fan.
11:15
Speaker 2: But when there's flames involved, that's the worst thing you
11:17
Speaker 2: could have done.
11:21
Speaker 1: Okay. So we've talked about life skills as they applied
11:23
Speaker 1: to cooking dinner for the family or providing dinner via
11:27
Speaker 1: Uber eats.
11:27
Speaker 2: Hey, that's the word they use.
11:29
Speaker 1: I know, I know, and we've talked about it in
11:31
Speaker 1: relation to smoke alarms. So, Kylie, there's one really important
11:35
Speaker 1: thing for us to talk about. It didn't really come
11:38
Speaker 1: booming out of the episode last night, but it applies
11:40
Speaker 1: to every single family, and that is our dreams for
11:43
Speaker 1: our kids.
11:44
Speaker 2: I think there was a bit of tension over that.
11:45
Speaker 1: There really was, Yeah, yeah, yeah, And to me, I'd
11:48
Speaker 1: like to unpack that some more. Is it okay to
11:50
Speaker 1: have goals for your kids? Is it okay when your
11:53
Speaker 1: kids have goals to say, I'm here to support you
11:54
Speaker 1: one hundred percent and get behind them and start your
11:56
Speaker 1: own business to help them to achieve those goals.
12:00
Speaker 3: If our children end up famous Hollywood actors, they need
12:05
Speaker 3: to buy us a house a ranger over with white
12:08
Speaker 3: leather interior. They can keep the rest of it, but
12:11
Speaker 3: as long as they remember that we started them.
12:15
Speaker 2: Oh, I found this part of the show quite compelling.
12:23
Speaker 1: Yeah.
12:24
Speaker 2: Like I said, there was a bit of tension in
12:25
Speaker 2: the room over it, because from the Outwood appearance, it
12:31
Speaker 2: would be very, very easy to make a judgment call
12:34
Speaker 2: that these kids are just going along with mom and
12:36
Speaker 2: dad's goals.
12:37
Speaker 1: I don't think they are though. I don't think they
12:39
Speaker 1: are at all. They I mean the stage an opportunity
12:41
Speaker 1: to perform, get all that validation from people. Kids love
12:45
Speaker 1: this stuff. What if they wanted to become a nurse
12:48
Speaker 1: or a teacher.
12:49
Speaker 2: Do you feel like you put that same passion into that?
12:52
Speaker 4: Though?
12:52
Speaker 2: Then you would because these are your interests.
12:55
Speaker 3: I don't care what they do as long as they're happy.
12:58
Speaker 3: We're not the type of stage parents that want our
13:00
Speaker 3: kids to be famous or push them in that directly
13:03
Speaker 3: at all. They love it, that's what they want to do.
13:06
Speaker 1: They love it, and being an actor is one of
13:08
Speaker 1: the most highly sought after regarded every Everyone wants to
13:11
Speaker 1: be a YouTuber or a superstar in one way or
13:13
Speaker 1: another when they're kids. You just have to look around.
13:16
Speaker 1: Kids actually want to be famous.
13:18
Speaker 2: And that was my next point. But the kids are
13:20
Speaker 2: young enough that at this point it is just fun.
13:23
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, so much fun.
13:24
Speaker 2: They're the center of attention.
13:26
Speaker 1: They love it, and you can tell that they do.
13:28
Speaker 2: The only one I'm not sure why, but their seventeen
13:31
Speaker 2: year old daughter. She almost seems like a silent member
13:34
Speaker 2: in the family.
13:35
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a reason for that. She pretty much said
13:37
Speaker 1: to the producers, I'm not sure that I really want
13:39
Speaker 1: to be actively involved in this, and so they intentionally
13:44
Speaker 1: gave her a quieter role. She didn't participate heavily. I
13:49
Speaker 1: think once it was all over she might have regretted
13:52
Speaker 1: that decision. I don't know, but certainly when I spoke
13:55
Speaker 1: with Sarah and Shane, they said, yeah, our eldest daughterough
13:57
Speaker 1: was she just wanted to have a a back seat
14:01
Speaker 1: role on her participating, And good on her for being
14:04
Speaker 1: willing to say, yeah, I'm in, but I'm not fully in. Like,
14:08
Speaker 1: I think that they did a great job in supporting
14:10
Speaker 1: her in that.
14:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think that's great.
14:11
Speaker 1: Yeah. So that we've got this situation though, where Sarah
14:14
Speaker 1: and Chane has said, we've got kids who really want
14:16
Speaker 1: to be doing media and acting and stage and let's
14:19
Speaker 1: create a theater company and dad's a drama teacher at school.
14:22
Speaker 1: So I love the way they've said if we're in,
14:25
Speaker 1: we're all in to me. That's really exciting. But my
14:30
Speaker 1: big challenge, and this isn't so much about them now,
14:32
Speaker 1: because they're a great family, they've got great kids, they're
14:35
Speaker 1: doing a stellar job. My question is what happens when
14:38
Speaker 1: we as parents generally here our kids say this is
14:43
Speaker 1: what I want to do, and they feel validated because
14:46
Speaker 1: we're supporting them in it, not necessarily starting businesses to
14:49
Speaker 1: support it, but they want to learn the piano or
14:51
Speaker 1: the violin of the clarinet, or they want to start
14:53
Speaker 1: a sport, and so we go and buy all the
14:55
Speaker 1: gear and we get them going, and then they're not
14:58
Speaker 1: so keen anymore that motivation where off. How do we
15:01
Speaker 1: respond then? And we've been through this, I've actually spoken
15:05
Speaker 1: about it a couple of times. We went through this
15:06
Speaker 1: with our eldest daughter, when I've.
15:08
Speaker 2: Been through this one hundred times.
15:10
Speaker 1: We have because we've got six kids. But the easiest
15:13
Speaker 1: story to tell is the one about our oldest daughter
15:15
Speaker 1: who wanted to start cycling on the velodrome with me
15:17
Speaker 1: because I was competing and riding my bike on a
15:20
Speaker 1: Friday night with all my friends and all their families
15:22
Speaker 1: around the Uniondera Velodrome in Woollongong. And so we went out,
15:26
Speaker 1: and I was a poor UNI student, We had no
15:29
Speaker 1: money for this, but we went and bought a secondhand bike,
15:31
Speaker 1: and we bought the lycra off some people, and the
15:34
Speaker 1: special shoes that you've got to wear, and the helmet.
15:36
Speaker 1: We bought all the gear and we put her on
15:38
Speaker 1: the track. And the enthusiasm lasted for I don't know
15:42
Speaker 1: five weeks, and.
15:44
Speaker 2: She was going to say sick.
15:46
Speaker 1: But she was not very good at it compared to
15:49
Speaker 1: all the other kids her age who had been doing
15:50
Speaker 1: it for several years, and she completely lost motivation, didn't
15:55
Speaker 1: want to do it. I pushed and pushed for another
15:58
Speaker 1: four six weeks or something like that, until like, this
16:00
Speaker 1: is nuts. Why my having a fight every Friday night
16:03
Speaker 1: about going and riding bikes? What are we doing here?
16:06
Speaker 1: It didn't work because her goal became my goal for her.
16:12
Speaker 2: There's also another angle to kind of come from with this.
16:16
Speaker 2: If our children want to be involved in the things
16:20
Speaker 2: that we want to be involved in, is it actually
16:22
Speaker 2: the thing that they want or is their desire to
16:26
Speaker 2: be involved because they actually just want our attention, because
16:30
Speaker 2: they actually want to be with us. And this is
16:33
Speaker 2: not the stage. Parents have just given us a catalyst
16:36
Speaker 2: for a commisi.
16:37
Speaker 1: This is not about them now.
16:38
Speaker 2: But is our child's motivation to be involved in that
16:43
Speaker 2: thing because that's the only way they feel like they
16:46
Speaker 2: can be seen and validated?
16:48
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how they feel like that we connect with
16:50
Speaker 1: them over this, Yeah?
16:52
Speaker 2: Or is it actually an intrinsic motivation to be involved
16:55
Speaker 2: with this and the byproduct of that as I get
16:58
Speaker 2: to spend time with dad as well.
17:00
Speaker 1: Mistake. If your children are involved in an activity because
17:02
Speaker 1: it means that they get to connect with you, that's
17:04
Speaker 1: not a bad thing. However, if that's the only reason,
17:07
Speaker 1: and over time their motivation wanes and we're the ones
17:11
Speaker 1: that are pestering them to do it, they're no longer
17:13
Speaker 1: getting any connection. They're not being seen, hurt and valued
17:16
Speaker 1: by us through that, it's all changed.
17:19
Speaker 2: Yes, So I would kind of say that a little
17:20
Speaker 2: bit differently. I would say that if the only reason
17:22
Speaker 2: our kids are being involved in something is because they
17:25
Speaker 2: want to spend time with us.
17:26
Speaker 1: Do something else, No.
17:28
Speaker 2: That's brilliant. And if you're willing to include them in that.
17:33
Speaker 2: Maybe along the way they do learn to love that
17:36
Speaker 2: particular thing. But as soon as it becomes a battle
17:40
Speaker 2: right and you're pushing, it's no longer a positive experience.
17:44
Speaker 1: That's what I was trying to say. So with Chanelle
17:46
Speaker 1: and the bike riding, it was an opportunity for us
17:49
Speaker 1: to do something together. She felt validated, She really enjoyed
17:52
Speaker 1: it until suddenly she didn't. And when you think about
17:55
Speaker 1: so my book The Pairing Revolution, I talk about those
17:57
Speaker 1: three basic psychological needs that come up on this podcast
17:59
Speaker 1: all the time, and need for relationship and need for
18:02
Speaker 1: competence and a sense of control and autonomy. She was
18:05
Speaker 1: getting the relationship, but the relationship started to wane. The
18:09
Speaker 1: quality of the relationship started to wane as I started
18:12
Speaker 1: to pester her more and more. Hey, what are you doing?
18:14
Speaker 1: Come on, what's going on? Are you writing or not?
18:16
Speaker 1: It's Friday night? What are you giving me this rubbish for? So?
18:18
Speaker 1: I was getting annoyed because we spent all the money
18:21
Speaker 1: and we're supposed to be here and now you're dragging
18:23
Speaker 1: your feet and you're saying you don't want to do it,
18:24
Speaker 1: But you said you wanted to do it, and we've
18:26
Speaker 1: sacrificed so that you can, and so the relationship started
18:29
Speaker 1: to suffer. But she didn't want to do it because
18:31
Speaker 1: that second basic psychological need of competence wasn't being satisfied
18:35
Speaker 1: and supported. She felt like she couldn't do it well
18:38
Speaker 1: enough to justify her participation in it, and that made
18:41
Speaker 1: her motivation plummet, absolutely plummet.
18:45
Speaker 2: I had a conversation with our nine year old just recently.
18:47
Speaker 2: I have started doing art classes, yeah, and she has
18:51
Speaker 2: a brilliant she loves to draw drawing ability already, and
18:57
Speaker 2: I said to her, hey, would you like to do
18:58
Speaker 2: art classes? And she looked at me and she said,
19:02
Speaker 2: I can't draw like you. And I said no, no, you
19:05
Speaker 2: wouldn't be in my class. You'd be going to a
19:07
Speaker 2: class with other kids your age. And she said, but
19:09
Speaker 2: I want to do it with you. And I said
19:12
Speaker 2: to her, I said, well that's okay. I said, we
19:13
Speaker 2: can keep drawing at home. So we've been doing that
19:16
Speaker 2: on a weekly basis and I love doing it with her.
19:19
Speaker 2: But when we got to art school, I took her
19:22
Speaker 2: to a little open gallery and she started seeing all
19:26
Speaker 2: of this art on display and she said, Mum, I
19:29
Speaker 2: think I want to do art classes, and so they
19:32
Speaker 2: were able to introduce us to the art teacher who
19:34
Speaker 2: deals with the kids, and he was able to tell
19:36
Speaker 2: her all the things that we did, and by the
19:37
Speaker 2: end of it, she was like, I want to sign up.
19:40
Speaker 2: And number one, she already has an interest in it,
19:42
Speaker 2: but the fact that she's seeing me doing it is
19:45
Speaker 2: giving her added motivation to do it. It's about finding
19:50
Speaker 2: a way to do that for her to have a
19:51
Speaker 2: level of competence and feel like she is actually in control. Yes,
19:56
Speaker 2: that is the winner.
19:58
Speaker 1: And then you get to connect over that.
19:59
Speaker 2: Yes.
20:00
Speaker 1: Yeah, So there's those three basic psychological needs. I think
20:02
Speaker 1: the stage parents really exemplify that quite well, frankly, in
20:05
Speaker 1: terms of the way their kids are involved in their acting.
20:07
Speaker 1: There are a couple of things that came out that
20:09
Speaker 1: we'll probably have to discuss tomorrow because we're completely out
20:12
Speaker 1: of time. Thanks so much for listening, Jr. You've done
20:15
Speaker 1: an incredible job in pulling all of this together. We
20:17
Speaker 1: really appreciate Justin Roll and our producer for making the
20:19
Speaker 1: podcast sound great, and Craig Bruce, our executive producer, for
20:22
Speaker 1: the conversations, the idea starters, and the direction so that
20:25
Speaker 1: we can pull it all together. The Happy Family's podcast
20:28
Speaker 1: returns tomorrow as we dive into more parental guidance and
20:32
Speaker 1: talk about all the stuff that we haven't had a
20:33
Speaker 1: chance to talk about because there's so much to talk about.
20:35
Speaker 1: Thanks for listening, we'll see you tomorrow.