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307. Your Toughest Relationship Questions Answered (Part II) · Badass Confidence Coach | Your Personal Trainer for Your Mind

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_03: Hey everyone, good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, and good night.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_03: No matter where you are in the world, hello.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for listening or coming back.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_03: And if you're a first-time listener or watcher, welcome.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: We are continuing our conversation from last week all about relationships and the relationship questions that I've been asked for decades and some more some of the more common themes that I work with clients on that seem to come up.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_03: I think they're part of the human condition, the relationships we have with the people that we care about and we love in our lives, as well as the people that we have to be around in our lives, maybe co-workers and family members.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_03: So today we're gonna start off with what do you do when you're starting to resent someone?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: So this is a big one.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_03: Basically, it's an episode about resentment, and we're gonna get into how to tackle it.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna start you off with an example.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: I want you to think about this for a minute.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_03: So use your imagination here.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_03: For some of you, this is not gonna be hard to do.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: So you're getting in the car after having lunch with a friend, and you know everything that's going on in his or her life, let's say.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: You know about their job, you know about their kids, you know about their spousal issues, you know about their mother-in-law, you know about all the things in their life.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: And there was something that you kind of wanted to talk about, you know, you wanted to maybe talk about, I don't know, you know, what's happening with something?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you want to buy a house or something, and and you want to talk about that with your friend, but you never got to it because this person talked the entire time.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: And you start you're driving home now and you're going, Did did they ask me a single question about me?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: And why do I feel like this is starting to become a pattern where I'm always the one who feels like I'm listening to them.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_03: And you're sort of like going off on them, or you're just ranting in your head about how you're feeling about that lunch.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_03: By the time you walk in the front door of your home, you're like, Yeah, I'm not that interested in doing this again.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: I don't I don't really care to do lunch anytime soon.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_03: Or again.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: I think that's a common you all can probably relate to that, right?
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: And you never said anything.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_03: No.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_03: So the dilemma sort of becomes the question becomes, I think for you is what do you do with that feeling before it starts coming out in your tone and in your texts, or like I just said, your willingness to show up.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: What do you do?
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: So we're gonna we're gonna get into that.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_03: So we're gonna talk today about you know, how to bring up what it is that's bothering you with that person, how to ask for something specific, and how to decide what to do with their response.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_03: Because I think that's a lot of why we don't talk to people in our life that we care about and they're kind of bugging us because we're nervous about the response, we're nervous about the air quote really scary confrontation.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: So, Tim, for you when something starts to bot bother you, do you tend to speak up in the moment, or do you sort of think about it later about what you want to say, if you say anything at all?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think it depends on the person I'm talking to, yeah, then this and the scene.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um I certainly have done it in real time.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, if you if you Monday morning quarterback it, right?
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like you could you could say that those times work it worked out better.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was a good idea.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: To to take some time away.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_03: Don't mind our hounds barking right now like crazy dogs because they see our neighbor's dog walking down the street.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: So I think I think that's I mean, I've I've I think history for me tells me that that's the better way to go, right?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like do it in real time.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's also, depending upon the who's on sitting on the other side of the chair, right?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like there's probably times where it's better just to like hang in and I see you more that way and revisit later, you know.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_03: I think we're you and I are opposites.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_03: Wouldn't you agree?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think it depends on the scene.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because I mean, I think you see me in non-work life pretty much exclusively, yeah, right.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: So so how maybe how I am at work, and and and I think that's because of my position, what I do, is is a different hat that I'm wearing than when I come home.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't need to be that person.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I think we're really different in our personal lives.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: We are very different in our personal lives in our familial and even friendship relationships.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_03: So we are work, and we're different with our excuse me, our friendship relationships than with our family relationships.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_03: I think family gets all the sides of us, all the colors of us.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Friends don't get that.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: Because friends can choose to be friends with you.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_03: Friends can walk away.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_03: Family can't walk away, and we know it.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_03: We all know it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_03: So we tend to behave at our worst and we tend to behave badly at times with family members because they have to air quote love us, and they they can't they can't walk away.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and I think we take that for granted sometimes.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: True, and I think we also there's times where we behave at our best, right?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think I think in a family scene, I think you you could make an argument that we've seen the best and the worst from a personality standpoint, right?
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: With somebody how they behave and hold themselves, yeah.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: In almost everybody we know, in any family member.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: We've seen them on both sides of it, right?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I and I think we don't always look for the best at each other, though.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's a different conversation.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I think, yeah.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I think we don't always look for the best because it's interesting to hear you say that.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_03: I think we don't always look for each other or just living lives, right?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_03: We're not thinking about what's the best in them.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think yeah, I don't, I mean, that's that's a different topic completely.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yeah, you're right.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't know.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_03: We have moments we see our kids in public or I see you outside of our home and an object and I can look at you objectively, and I'm very proud of you.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I've been very proud of the kids.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_03: Like, wow, good on them.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's pretty like that's pretty awesome that they did that an accomplishment, or sure.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think that that's something where we're like we can see, I don't know, yes, we are going off on a tangent already, but I do think that I tend to be somebody who I deal with it in the moment.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that I learned that it's my personality, but I also learned that through my years of school.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: As a therapist, that therapy taught me that communication, all about communication.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_03: I learned this in undergrad.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_03: We were role-playing counseling and and sessions and you know, diff difficult conversations when I was 18, 19 years old.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: I've been doing this a long, long time.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: I remember doing the empty chair exercise in undergrad.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's Pearl, Pearl Fritz, psychologists.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_03: We're doing him when I was, you know, freshman sophomore year.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: It's ingrained in me to deal with it because I also know me, and I will get resentful because I have a very hard time holding in my feelings.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: I can't fake stuff.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'd rather just say it and get it out of the way than uh hold gr I don't like holding grudges or holding anger.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_03: To me, it gets toxic, it's not good for me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_03: You know, you've seen it, it's really hard for me.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: I think you are better at doing that.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_03: Not that that's a good thing, but I mean, or bad thing, but you just will hold stuff in.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: But I think you hold stuff in.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I think maybe you ought to say, and I say things to you, like you you talk about this, get this out, say, and you're just you're different how you want to deal with it.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think that's fair.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I think, and maybe because I'm thinking about it as you just described, or it's like family is family, like families forever, like friends, fringe friends and coworkers can kind of come pass through, you're right, like and kind of pick phase through your life and and be closer, farther away, maybe non-existent, right?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: They they come and go potentially in some version of that, right, versus family, like the stakes are much higher.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and so maybe I think for me, maybe I maybe I do tend to err on the side of like don't go all the way in on those conversations because it's like I'm more concerned, and that's not good, but I'm more concerned about the feelings, right?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: Like the reaction, the take somebody's gonna have while you and I'm gonna say this to you, and I'm gonna say it in front of everybody here.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, excellent.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I go ahead.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: But I think yeah, your air quote problem is that you worry about, and I think a lot of us do this.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: I think you worry, like I would say to you, and I know many of you have heard this before, it's not your problem how the other person feels.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_03: True, no, it's true.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_03: It's not that's a codependent, that's moving into codependency there.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: Like, it's not your problem that the other person might feel a certain way.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it's your job to say what it is you think and feel and you know, do it in the right way, watch your delivery, like I always talk about.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: But I think sometimes you get like, it's gonna make them feel bad.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, Timothy, you don't know how it's gonna make them feel.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: You don't know how it's gonna make them feel.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_03: You you may be 80% correct, but you don't know how it's gonna make them feel.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: I think that holds you back a lot from talking to people about what it is you really feel.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: And what happens is you don't say anything.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I've seen resentment build up in you over time.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: I have seen that because I think you worry too much.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: Do you know what I'm saying?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like they're gonna feel this way, they're gonna feel that way.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, well, let them feel it.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: What what what's going on inside of you that it's hard for you to let somebody feel that way?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: Which might be mad, defensive, emo, get some kind of uncomfortable emotion.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I talk about this all the time, and this is a really good example for this episode today, you know, is learning to get comfortable being uncomfortable.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: And I think, you know, you're like just you because you when we first got together, I would I, you know, I'm I can be pretty direct, and you're like, don't be mean.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, where does the where does mean come into this?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: I remember you saying, I'm like, that's not mean.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's honest.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: You were not used to honest direct conversations with people in your life.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's a different approach, right?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I think there's it's a different I think well, I mean, not everybody's you, right?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, not everybody runs through the world like you are, you personally, right?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So there, I mean, there are other personalities.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: But you wouldn't deal with issues, you would deal with issues in your life, you wouldn't, so it built up over time, yeah, yeah.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so nice, nice smirk on the face.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Ay, aye, aye.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: I know it's I'm trying to be really honest about what it is that you know, we're talking about these these important topics on the podcast, and I want there to be I want us to be really real and authentic with each other, and and I don't, I don't, you know, say this to put you on the spot.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good with being on the spot.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm totally good with it.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's not a big deal.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_03: And you all will see the difference between Tim and I.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we're very different in how we deal with issues in our lives, and we get into it with each other.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like we just got into it the other morning about something with one of the kids, you know, like you, you, I think you get you hold things in, and then you get mad, and it comes out, and it comes out because you're such an easygoing, chill guy, but you do have thoughts and feelings about things, you just keep them to yourself a lot.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_03: You keep you keep quiet about I'm like talking to the kids, I'm talking to you.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I get everybody involved, and that's bad.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's my Italiann-ness, it's like it's where I lack boundaries, yeah.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, you know, I have a big mouth.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, mom, you can't, you have the biggest mouth.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, yeah, okay, it's a problem.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_03: When it's very, very serious.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_03: I, of course, I keep confidentialities and don't repeat things people say to me, but it was yeah, and it's it's still something I need to work on and not be talking.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_03: And so it was early in the morning, and it was me, you, and one of our kids talking about one of the other kids, and then it started all this drama.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_03: And then the one kid's like, I'm out, I'm out, I'm leaving, I'm out.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, Do not include me in any of this.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_03: Do not include me, do not include me in any of this this family drama.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm leaving.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: Well, and he walked at the door and you started talking about things like I was surprised.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_03: And then I felt a little protective of the other kid, and you're like annoyed because you're like, Well, you just told me this, and now I can't not know that and unhear that.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_03: And and but you won't say anything to that kid.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_03: So you're protective of me, you're protective of me, but I don't need you to be protective of me.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm like, okay, nonsense gonna be resentful.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_03: Resentful, the topic today, yeah, of that situation.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that kid, and I'm not because I'm like, I haven't even thought about it since then.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: So well, it'll come up again.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it will, maybe it won't.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: It might snow tomorrow, too.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: See who's to say, but well, you're talking about a story that's got like so many different layers to it.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I mean, you can't you but you and I would love to talk to all of you about this and get your opinions.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you would, yes, you would.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I can't, yes.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, but but I think you have to be careful because you tend to bring your broad brush out and paint with it often, and think that everything is like falls underneath in whatever that topic is, like everybody should, or all the results should be, or it's like you use those words with your broad brush.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I try not to.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's I get you try not to.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah, I get that.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_03: You do say to me, you paint with a broad brush when you and I are fighting with each other, you go, okay, paint with a broad brush again.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's the biggest brush I've seen.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's a big brush.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can make an argument, it's a broom, right?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Tim Drama.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Drama.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, so I but I think that like for this particular But I usually I come back from that.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: I usually I do that when I get really mad, and then you'll say, you'll make that comment to me.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay, you're painting with a broad brush again.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, but we usually in our fights or arguments or debates or whatever it is, we we when we usually it's me, like the Italian and me, calms down and then we start talking more.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_03: I you know, I can don't you agree?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I'll like take back what I said or I'll listen to you.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, yeah, you're right.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, take a breath.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_03: Like you need to like yeah, you make a good point there, yeah.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Catch your catch your breath for a second.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, we I think we do decent recovery.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: So let's go right back to where we're talking about.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So this story that you're talking about has got like a lot of layers on it, and you've been in the middle of that fire with that conversation in this topic for quite a while, right?
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Weeks, weeks and weeks and weeks.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I don't know that this topic is a topic that's a good idea.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because I tend to talk to all the kids, you do, but I don't know that this particular topic is a topic that we in our seat, in our role, should be diving too deep into, right?
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not so sure it's our say in this particular thing.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I I tend to stay.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I agree with you on that.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I told you, I just told you what was being said back and forth between me and this other person.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_03: And you had an opinion about it.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_03: You didn't really like it.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: I did because I think that the time it's taken of your time to deal with this, whether it's like in a conversation with one of our kids or in your own head, I think that you have you've given so much, too much time to it, right?
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, at some point, I think you have to just be like, and I think that's why I said finally said something because I've never had one said anything about this before.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whatever.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: It'll all work out in the end, right?
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It always does.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I think that because I watch you and you get yourself so worked up, and then you got to go talk to this person, and then there's this person, then this one over here's this, and it's like, okay, that's a lot of energy given to this one thing that worked up about it on that day, but like you've had you've had countless conversations in that morning.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: I was yeah, I was, I was, and I actually haven't been this all this time, but I started to have feelings about some of the other kids in the family.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I felt protective of them, sure.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm wondering.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, like we're talking about resentment, right?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_03: This is this is also having like, yeah.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_03: So we had we two tend to have drama at times, just five kids, yeah.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_03: And I have, and I have a well, and sometimes it does go into extended family.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm one of eight, and there's a ton of cousins and nephews and nieces.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: There could be drama, which it's great having all these people in the family, but sometimes it's like a soap opera.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_03: What did everybody, what did all the brothers-in-law always say?
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_03: This is a reality TV show.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: You guys should be on a reality TV show.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I actually reached out to a friend of mine who I went to high school with in college, who's in film and television in Hollywood, and he knows my family.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, Yeah, you have a story there, but it was difficult because it was in DC and Chicago at the time.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_03: It's like there's no way I can get a film.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_03: We can't do you're the one family in Chicago and everybody else is in DC.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_03: But I swear I think we could do a reality TV show with just our family here in Chicago.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, there's drama.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there is drama.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_03: I kind of like it.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let's stay on topic, right?
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like kind of like it.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're kind of you're trapped.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I think that now I I think maybe for me, I have become a little resentful of the time that's been stolen from you, right?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Some by your choice.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: But don't worry about me, Tim.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_03: Don't worry about from me.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, because it's because it's a uh I think it affects you.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's a situation that is not necessary.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like because nobody wants to make it according to you, according to you, according to or according to the world, actually.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a good idea.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_03: No, I think it's I think you think it's unnecessary.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_03: And when you say that, it sort of it I feel like it dismisses that I am paying attention to it, and I do think it it is it was it's a little issue, it's not nothing because I'm talking about it.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's not nothing, but don't be dismissive of me because I I do feel like it is an issue.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: I do.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_02: That it is an issue, not a huge one, but yeah, I think it's a little bit of an issue.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm saying.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying the same thing.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: I but I think it's an issue that doesn't need to be an issue, and so it sucks up all of your time.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I watch that, you're a busy person.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: You have time to be given all this energy and and and emotional energy.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_03: What I do is right, but but and there's the kids, these are all kids.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: But do you like and should you?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Should you be doing it?
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: I try not to, yeah.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, okay.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so okay, that was a whole sidebar, whole sidebar.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I gave you the example of like getting in the car and you're just like, ugh, this person.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you like this person, but they talk all the time, and you're finding there to be a pattern and there's a theme, and you're tired of it, and you're like, they know nothing about me.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_03: And I say this, and I've said this before, probably on the podcast.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_03: I've said it, I've said it in my life.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_03: There's a reason, there's a reason why God gave you two ears and one mouth.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, use that one, everybody.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_03: There's a reason why God gave you two ears and one mouth.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_03: Because, you know, and and when I've said that, and I've actually said that to people before, it's like, you know, you're you talk a lot, you talk a lot.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_03: And what do I what's that song I play or sing all the time now?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: Run DM, the old run DMC song.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah you talk too much, you never shut up, you talk too much, and you never shut up.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: There you go.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: Go play it, right?
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_03: Just ask Alexa to play Run DMC.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_03: You talk too much, it's so funny.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_03: So, I mean, that's been a song that I will sing out loud.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_03: Or the last night it was about the dog.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: You bark too much and you never shut up, you bark too much because he barks all the time.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so what do you do?
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, you but you like this person and you're really resentful of them.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: So here's my thought to you.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, when I talk to clients about this, you know, I'm like, okay, this is something that you have I've noticed, you've talked about this now many, many times in a coaching call.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_03: You're bringing up this issue.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_03: This is resentment, and you're not dealing with it.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you not dealing with it?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_03: Why are you not talking to this person about how you feel and you're like at work, sometimes at home?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, what are some of the common things that I hear from people?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: And and you and I both, this resonates probably for you and I and for probably most of us.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I don't want to make it awkward because I I like the person and we get along in so many ways, but there's this one thing that's really affecting how I'm feeling towards them.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: And I want to get this resentment out of the way, but I don't want to make it awkward.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_03: Here's another one.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_03: They have so much going on.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: I know they have a lot going on in their life.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: I know they are a mess at work, they're not thinking they're just all over the place.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: Their disorganization is affecting all of us.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_03: There's all this infighting and politicking going on, and they're sort of obsessed and talking all about it.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_03: And I know that they've got stuff going on at home, you know, or their mental health is is affected.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_03: I know that.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't want to say anything about how I feel when I'm around them.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm starting to feel like how I know other people at work are feeling around them.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_03: But I they have a lot going on.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes people will say to me, it just feels like it's not that big of a deal.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_03: And this is what we do.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like we dismiss ourselves.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_03: We, in a way, we sort of gaslight ourselves into thinking like we're being too much, we're acting.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_03: This is a figment of my imagination because you know it's it's it's not that big of a deal.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's it's too small of a thing to bring up.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm just gonna let it go.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_03: Well, here's what here's what happens.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: Weeks and weeks and weeks go by, and now you're resentful, right?
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_03: Right, but you continue to say it's it's not that big of a deal.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: Or we do the mind reading.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_03: They should know.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: They should know how they are, they should know how they're being, they should already know.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_03: They might they might and they might not, but we do the shoulds, like why I say the don't should on yourself or the mind.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_03: We mind read.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_03: They should know.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: Well, they maybe they should, and maybe they shouldn't.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_03: Here's the fact they're they're not doing anything about it, and you are continuing to be resentful towards this person, right?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_03: So, you know, what do we what do we do?
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_03: We keep replaying a conversation in our head, like I just said, you're driving home from lunch and you're like you're like yelling at them in your head, or you're, I wish I'd said this, I wish I'd said that.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_03: We talked about that last week's episode.
• 23:01
  SPEAKER_03: Now you're on high alert with them when you're with them and you start noticing everything.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_03: Hipsy, they're doing it again.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_03: And you know what?
• 23:08
  SPEAKER_03: They don't just do it with me, they did it at that staff meeting.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: They're they, you know, they just they think they know it all.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_03: They're a know it all.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_03: And or, you know, they just talk and talk and talk and talk.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: Whatever your resentment is, you know, they always ask me to be the one to head this or head that up, right?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_03: Here's what we do.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_03: The next conversation we have with them, and every conversation after, like, let's say I'm driving home and I've that's me, like yelling at that person in my head.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_03: Every time I'm with them after that, I'm like gearing up for them to do it again.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_03: And so I've I'm adding in like, here's the history.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_03: You know, the person doesn't realize what I'm doing in my head about them.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: So in a way, it's kind of unfair.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: How would they know?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: They wouldn't, they would never know.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: In a way, it's but it's kind of unfair, you know, because I have there's this whole history in my head about you.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then when you go to talk to them, you're so resentful.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_03: They're like, whoa, okay.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: Because I've had this happen.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what's with the vehemence of your lot of energy behind your irritation with me right now?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: And then I have gone to tell them, and I've I've done this, and they're like, Whoa, okay.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_03: So you have been mad for like a year.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, oh, okay.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_03: And this is where, and this has happened.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, why didn't you tell me?
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_03: And great, Anna, you've been mad at me for a year.
• 24:24
  SPEAKER_03: All this time, I had no idea.
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_03: And now they're really defensive, and now they're starting to shut down.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_03: Why why would they not?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what we all get afraid of is we let it go, we let it go, we let it go for this to happen.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_03: And now you're and now me in the situation back, this is in my 20s.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_03: I can think of a situation in particular, and they're now getting mad at me and they're defensive and they're shut down.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, oh, and I didn't have the skills, I didn't know how to get out.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know how to get out of this right now.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_03: I did the I thought it took so much courage, and it did.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I I felt I empowered myself to have this conversation with this person, and then I did have it with her, and I'm like, oh, but now what do I do?
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_03: Because she now is mad back at me.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_03: Because you, oh, we're that good friends.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_03: Why didn't you tell me this 11 months ago too long?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if I'm not mistaken, you you've had a modern day occurrence of this exact topic, you personally, no, and and I think you you did the opposite.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think you went and talked to that person a little bit quicker than the one you described when you were in the world.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I've learned.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, how did that go?
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it the the fallout, the the backside of that.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how did it go because you chose to handle it differently?
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_03: She she listened.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_03: I was I tried to be so first of all, well, we'll get into it too, but I'll just say it now.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_03: You you gotta take the emotion out of it.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_03: Like right right now, maybe you can hear like irritation in my voice, impatience.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_03: When I start to feel resentful, so my style, my what happens within me is I start to talk fast and I start to speak.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_03: I think my tone comes across as aggressive.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_03: I've had to be really mindful of that.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_03: And like it's talking fast, maybe talking a little louder and not mincing words.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_03: It can feel aggressive to people.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: So I've had to really work on that.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_03: And I spoke to her, said what I thought, and what how I've been feeling, and she was like, Oh, okay.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_03: And she had a look on her face, like it came out of left field.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_03: And I think it was her defense.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_03: I think deep down inside she did know.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I think she did know what she had been doing, and I think she just was shocked that I called her out on it.
• 26:42
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, this is someone I and I like very much.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: I just was like, this is becoming a a one-way street of a relationship.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: I I want to be in a relationship with you, but this is a one-way street, this is a monologue every time we're together.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_03: And you have to remember, I mean, this has been going on for more than a year.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like it was, geez.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_03: I said, You talk a lot, you talk so much, and I I feel like you don't even know me at all.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like you know nothing about what's happening in my life.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, we get out of the car, I get out of being with you, and I realize I actually didn't speak for an hour.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_03: And you you never asked me about me.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_03: You know nothing about like maybe my kids or or what's happening with, you know, a sick parent, or maybe some stress that Tim and I have.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_03: Like, you know, nothing because I told you nothing.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_03: Because you didn't ask and you didn't stop talking.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_03: And and looking back now, that person was really in a season of need and and want and was going through their own crisis.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that they couldn't even see themselves through their own crisis.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_03: And at the same time, I was developing a resentment because, like you, and even you would start saying to me, You should have billed her for that session.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_03: You would always say you're like, Why didn't you bill her?
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like, joke, ha ha, joking, we're friends.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you know, I would hear I've just said that about a lot of different folks.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_03: You said that a lot to me over the years, and it wasn't, but it's not lost on me, and I'd kind of blow you off.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, you know what, Tim's right.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm not working, and I'm not at work.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_03: Like, this is this is this is kind of crazy.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I need some of my needs met in friendship.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, and just I told her, but let me finish.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, so I told her, and it didn't change.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_03: It didn't change.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_03: So what I decided to do was I like this person very much, and I knew this person was in a hard season in their life.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: I I decided, and I you have to remember, so we get to the end of this, you think back to what I said.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_03: I made an active choice to weather that storm with this person because it's not that way today.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_03: That was a few years ago.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_03: It's not that way today.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_03: It's actually quite different because that person was very much me, me, me, I, I, I.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_03: And I think that person needed it.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_03: And it's passed, and we have wonderful times together.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_03: Back to how it used to be laughing, goofy, silly.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: That person doesn't talk a whole lot about their personal life and themselves all the time.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_03: Still does, still is a talker, but nowhere near what it was.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_03: And sometimes now what I will do, because it's always kind of felt rude to me, but now I'll just sometimes interrupt because I have to.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll I'll just like, no, I'm gonna insert my life, I'm gonna talk about me, because this has got to be a two-way street, or I can't do the monologue.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_03: But it's gotten so much better.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I was just wondering, I mean, I think because of what you do, I think we need to say that out loud too.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think is it possible that that people feel empowered to be the the talker and the bringer of problems and issues because of what you do?
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: They know your expertise.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_03: Is that does that maybe I think they know I I that might be I think they know my heart.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I think they know my heart.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_03: I think they know that I'm a I'm a I think God gave me the gift of understanding.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_03: I really it's just isn't it the spiritual works of mercy or something in in Catholicism?
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_03: Like I think God gave me the gift of understanding, and I do love people and have a lot of curiosity and interest in my friends and people and people's lives.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I want to hear what's happening.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and I do it's hard to once you hear people, it's hard not to understand.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_03: Like I can always find I think always always.
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, a lot of time I can find understanding, yeah.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm interested in people and I care about people, and I and I if it helps them, I want to help them.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not a martyr, I'm not, I'm not some saint, not some special person.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_03: I just I don't mind doing it.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_03: But I I don't mind doing it.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_03: I to a to a certain yeah, yeah, to a certain extent.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: To a certain degree, yeah.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I and so I can't relate, and probably some of our listeners can't relate to your seat, right?
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a I have friends who are like, I don't know how you do what you do.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: I would never listen the way you do, right?
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but like in in life, not in in your profession, like in in life.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't I'm not and we know them, and I don't want to be them.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, go ahead, I keep it true.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Are you good?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_03: All right, I'm sorry.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'm not a psychotherapist, and I'm not female, right?
• 30:58
  SPEAKER_00: And not no no no you're not a coach, I'm not a coach in that sense, personal development.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I cannot say that I can relate to how it would be if somebody came into my little bubble and started talking like that because I don't know that they would.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know that that's how that would be also dude.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's it.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that is a factor, but I mean we have dudes that listen on this podcast, so I don't know that everybody can relate to exactly what you're describing.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know that I can actually relate to it either.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can because you've described it to me and I've heard about it, but like I think some people And you watch it, you've seen it and I've watched it, but not everybody has seen this stuff in real time.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: Have you ever thought to yourself it's too much?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_03: Is it because it's too much, Anna?
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_03: It's too much what you're giving to this person, or it's why do you listen?
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: Or I I think the not the content is too much, I think the time is too much.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_00: Is that fair?
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_03: I remember years ago, you and another friend of mine kind of yelled at me because we had another friend who was I've talked about this in the podcast, and I've changed quite a bit since then.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_03: She was kind of sucking up all the oxygen in the room, and she sucked up all of it with me.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_03: And I let her, I mean, deep down inside I let her.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not deep down inside, I lied, I did let her, but I didn't realize how much it was affecting you and our my other very good friend, my closer friend, who I'm still very close to today.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_03: She and she's like so chill and laid back, and she like got mad at me, kind of yelled at me.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_03: Remember that?
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and you were like, I agree with her.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: I did, actually.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Whoa, it's saying something when this person who's so chill, like what happened to her?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_03: So I lay back about things, like yelled at me.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: She takes advantage of you.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: You know, she just throws up all over you and you just take it.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_03: I remember her saying that.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_03: And and you were like, Yep, she's absolutely right.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_03: She does.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_03: Remember that?
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I I think I think a big influencer is because of what you do.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think that that that really drives this for you.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_00: I think you get it more frequently, and you probably get it.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: The the depth of it is probably deeper for you with that.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_03: You know, okay, so let's let's move on.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_03: Wait, let's stop talking about me.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to talk about that me anymore.
• 33:03
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I okay, so reset meant.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_03: So you what are you doing?
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're replaying the conversation or this all the situations you've been with this person back in your mind.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_03: You're starting to notice everything they do, every example, like see, there's another example.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_03: See, there's another here they go again.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_03: You're doing this, right?
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_03: And then every time you are talking to them, you got in your head all the things about them that you're annoyed about, but they don't know about it.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_03: You're just you're all up in your head about it.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: So here, I want you to ask yourself these questions.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_03: Have I made a clear request of this person?
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_03: Have I made a clear request?
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_03: Have I told this person what I'd like to see different?
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_03: I think that's a pretty clear answer for most of us.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_03: Or have I mostly hinted?
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_03: I know I've done that.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_03: I've just hinted, thinking they'll pick up the hint.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_03: Have I mostly hinted?
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_03: Have I said the opposite of what I meant too?
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_03: This is a big one.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_03: So have you said to yourself something like, it's fine, or okay, whatever you want, whatever, sure, whatever you want.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_03: Don't worry about it.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe they've actually even extended some verbalization to you that they're aware that maybe they're making another request of you, another ask of you.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry, I talked the whole time at lunch today.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that shows some acknowledgement.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_03: I talk the whole time and you say, Don't worry about it.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_03: When you're like, Yeah, you did it for the 10th time.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_03: But instead you said, Don't worry about it.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_03: So that's an important.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_03: So that's important.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_03: So acknowledge that in yourself that you're doing that.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: So here's a distinction.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes for you, the person who is feeling resentful, sometimes you haven't spoken up, right?
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's fair.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_03: That's on you.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_03: That's fair.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_03: And so that's on you.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going to coach up on that.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's on you.
• 34:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's not on them.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_03: That's on you.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, so what they're doing is annoying you, but it's on you that you haven't said anything.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_03: So you got to take responsibility for that.
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: In the in a work setting, because this this also happens exactly like this in a work setting.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you think about the fallout, so you choose not to say something in real time.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you consider is it the appropriate time to say it?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is the group setting?
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is it can this person receive this?
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: All the things you analyze before you like decide to say or not say, right.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: But then the fallout is this toxic environment, potentially, right?
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Where you don't you choose not to say something, but then you go back later and you have these little side conversations, right?
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like that the the original person has no idea about probably any of the first situation, and certainly not any of the second or third or fourth or fifth situations, but that the environment just turns.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, I think if if we could just get beyond that, like sometimes I think we have to just be like, you know what, let's have this difficult conversation.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you can receive it.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll sometimes I'll just ask, can you or can you not?
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_00: But but I think you just you have to sometimes just like be like, take it, you know, just go, yeah, let's have that conversation.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: Because everything that comes after it, if you don't, is potentially bad, right?
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 36:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, negative.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, sure.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so but here's the distinction I want you all to think about.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes you haven't spoken up, okay?
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_03: And then sometimes you've spoken up repeatedly, but the person's dismissed you.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_03: And that's those two very different things there, right?
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_03: So maybe there have been times you have said things, you have spoken up, yeah, and they're like, eh, they've dismissed you.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_03: So that's really important.
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_03: So those are different steps that I'm gonna give you.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: So, so what do you do with that?
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna talk about it.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna talk about it.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna get into it.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so how to bring how do you bring up something that you've let stew inside yourself?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_03: How do you bring it up?
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so before we get into this, go forward, please.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_03: I want to just do a little mid-roll request here for you all to stop, rate, and review the podcast, okay?
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_03: The five stars.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_03: So before we get into the next part, good stuff.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_03: Take a minute.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_03: That makes all the difference in the world, everybody.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we I read the reviews and it's helping us grow in the chart.
• 37:04
  SPEAKER_03: So please, if you've gotten any value out of this podcast or anything that I've shared with you with coaching and therapy, please take a minute to scroll down and click that five stars.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_03: Take a minute and write one or two sentences.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_03: It really, really does make a difference.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 37:17
  SPEAKER_03: In a world of four million podcasts, it's harder today to move up in the rankings.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_03: And the way that that happens is by all of you taking time to rate it and to write some good stuff.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 37:28
  SPEAKER_03: And also, if you want to work with me, email me hello at Anamarcaleen.com.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_03: That's for therapy or coaching.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_03: So therapy is in only in the state of Illinois, and coaching is wherever you are in the world.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_03: So don't hesitate.
• 37:44
  SPEAKER_03: Get on my calendar and we'll set up a discovery call and we'll see if I'm a good fit for you.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_03: So just want to throw that out there.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_03: Tweet.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_03: So how do I bring up something that I have let just stew inside myself?
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_03: So let's let's let's take an example.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody made a comment at dinner, and you're just like, okay, that's like that's it.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_03: Towards at you, towards you.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_03: Like maybe made a comment, maybe something was said that was very passive or grassive, and you're like, uh.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is this a family dinner?
• 38:15
  SPEAKER_03: Could be, could be friend dinner.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_03: It could be you could, you know, put either one in.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if somebody you have you have history with this person, somebody made a comment about you, or let's say, let's say the dishes are repeatedly, let's take home.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say the dishes are repeatedly left in the sink.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's something that bugs me.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just thinking of like, what would it be for you?
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe clothes are strewn all over the laundry room floor.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what it'll be for like think about something that repeatedly bugs you at home.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_03: That somebody is not doing.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe somebody made a comment at dinner, or maybe you have a friend who's always changing plans on you, like always changing plans, and you're like, come on, like I'm getting tired of this.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_03: You know, changing the time, changing the date, changing where you're going.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's let's go with the dinner one.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_03: Because I think somebody made a comment again.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: I think we can all relate to this in some way, right?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_03: So here's the three lines you're gonna write before you talk to them because you have developed resentment, it's happened over time, and now the final straw, because they said something passive aggressive, and you're like, that was just freaking rude.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I want you to write down these three lines.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_03: I talked about this on social media this week.
• 39:23
  SPEAKER_03: So knowing we're having this conversation today.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_03: So I want you to write down number one, what happened.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_03: So it's the situation, what happened?
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_03: You know, despite describe the event without guessing the information.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_03: Just put the facts down, write down, go get a piece of paper, get in your journal, do it in your notes app on your phone, just write it down somewhere, write the situation, okay?
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_03: Facts only.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_03: So you maybe you're thinking to yourself, what you're gonna say to this person is you agreed we'd go to dinner Saturday.
• 39:55
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so you agreed that we would go to dinner on Saturday, and this was the place, and now it's here.
• 40:01
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe here is another 20 minutes away from where you live.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: Well, no, stick with the comment.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm sorry.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the comment at dinner.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, let's go with that.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_00: I because I think I like that that's real.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, okay.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so describe the event.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_03: We're sitting at dinner, and I made a comment about wanting to let's say, okay, I uh I made a comment about having I'm running a 10K next weekend, and it's one of many that I do in the spring, summer, and fall living in Chicago.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_03: I I do a run series for myself.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_03: And this person again at our friend dinner made a comment of always having to talk about how much you run.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_03: Or, oh, look, you're running again this weekend.
• 40:48
  SPEAKER_03: Hmm, you needed to let us know that, right?
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_03: Something that's kind of like a little bit of sarcasm in the voice, but kind of like kind of maybe more monotone, not with a lot of emotion, but it's a dig.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like and it's public, and it's public in front of everybody, but there's a lot of chat going on at the table.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe there's six, four, six, eight people there, and you know, they didn't say it real loud.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_03: It wasn't a big thing, but they they said it and you heard it.
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it was meant for you.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_03: You were talking about maybe a race you had coming up and they made a comment.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_03: And it was maybe the fifth time they've made a comment.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe you would say, you know, Anna, I'm not, I don't brag about it.
• 41:30
  SPEAKER_03: We're just talking about what we're doing on the weekends.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I, you know, we meet like maybe, you know, once a month for dinner, or I, or maybe it's a maybe it's a lunchroom thing with coworkers.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_03: And we're talking about our plans this weekend.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like saying I have a 10K on on Saturday morning, and they all know I'm a runner.
• 41:47
  SPEAKER_03: And what this person made that comment.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I like this person.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_03: We get along really well as co-workers.
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, we're actually we get along fantastically well, or she's a good friend, he's a good friend, but they they make these comments, and I'm getting I'm getting tired of it.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_03: So that's the situation, right?
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so that's what happened.
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_03: Number two, the meaning that you add to it, the meaning you added to it, this is important.
• 42:09
  SPEAKER_03: So what's the meaning?
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_03: I started to tell myself that what I do in the weekends isn't important to them, or I started to tell myself that they think I'm all about me.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I'm adding meaning to it.
• 42:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I'm starting, you know, whatever it is we're telling ourselves, like, why are you resentful?
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_03: Why Anna?
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say it's happened.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_03: This is me.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_03: Anna, why are you resentful?
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_03: Because they're dismissing that I put a lot of work into to this is a hobby of mine, it's something I put a lot of work into.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_03: And they're dismissive of it.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_03: And it looks like jealousy.
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know why that is because I don't talk about it that much.
• 42:51
  SPEAKER_03: It's just we're all together in the lunchroom, we're talking about our plans a week, and I happen to do this the seasonal race series.
• 42:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know why they're doing that.
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_03: Because they don't ever like we work together five, but they make these comments, and I'm making it mean that they're like jealous of me.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's how I'm interpreting it.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, which is why I think it's fair, but I think it's fair.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_03: That's fair, it's fair.
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_03: That's that's my that's my interpretation.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's it's that's it, but I'm gonna leave room to listen to them, right?
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna say, because your narrative is yours.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, yes.
• 43:30
  SPEAKER_03: So the meaning I'm giving it, the meaning I'm making it.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_03: This is what it's part two, really important.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_03: So, what meaning are you making it have?
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_03: And then number three is what are you gonna ask for?
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 43:42
  SPEAKER_03: So, what are you gonna ask for?
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_03: Talk to them.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_03: When you talk to them, you're gonna make it clear so that they know what you want them to do.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_03: So I would let's say I go and talk to this person.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_03: I've noticed that like every time we've been, we we we every like every time I talk about like races I got coming up, you may Make sarcastic comments.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I'm noticing it.
• 44:03
  SPEAKER_03: And they're like, What you know, maybe they'll be like, What?
• 44:05
  SPEAKER_03: What are you talking about?
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I think deep down inside people do know that they're doing something.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_03: I do, and maybe that's a little bit of mind reading, but I think we do intuit to some degree when we feel something.
• 44:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like I feel it.
• 44:18
  SPEAKER_03: And maybe they'll be like, I don't know what you're talking about.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I have noticed that you kind of I feel like there are digs at me.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and it just and those those races are really important to me.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_03: And it is also what I do on the weekends through October.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_03: And I would just appreciate maybe, you know, being careful of your tone because it hurts my feelings.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:42
  SPEAKER_03: I think that you could say like what you want to do.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_03: You want them to watch their tone.
• 44:47
  SPEAKER_03: And believe me, they will remember, believe you, me, they will remember their tone from here on out, even if they do a little bit of denial.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 44:55
  SPEAKER_03: And then you say something at the and you end it with a I statement.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like it hurts my feelings a little bit.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_03: It's important to me.
• 45:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I love getting we get along.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_03: So I don't I, you know, I just I wish you would not make comments.
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_03: You make comments, and I it hurts me.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_03: So try that.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 45:14
  SPEAKER_03: And that that wasn't that wasn't of you know, black and white, but I don't think any of this is black and white and really clean.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's all it's these are hard conversations.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_03: That's why this is important that we talk about it because these are the I'm giving you like the deets.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like this is these are the hard conversations that we all need to be having more of in our lives that we're not.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I like that narrative, like like understanding what your narrative is, like, like writing that down, like so that you're like, okay, just as a reminder, this is when I heard this, this is how I took it, and this is how I this is what I made it mean.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: Interpret it to be.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and you couldn't even say that.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_03: Like you can even say, This is what I'm making it mean.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_03: When I hear you, I sometimes I hear a bit a hint of sarcasm in your voice.
• 45:58
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I don't tell them they're jealous.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's gonna make them very defensive, and they're gonna shut down.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_03: They the person will probably shut down.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I made it mean that you weren't happy for me or you couldn't get behind me.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_03: Like, I this is just something I do, you know.
• 46:11
  SPEAKER_03: I do it every spring, summer, and fall.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know that, and you know, and and I and I want your support.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_03: And it's important, it's just something I it's important to me.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_03: It's me time away from the kids.
• 46:21
  SPEAKER_03: It's something I like to do with my running club, you know, and and I made it mean that you know you you're annoyed with me or mad at me, and I don't know why.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, I just I would like for you to to maybe maybe be aware of it and maybe not say that so much at the lunchroom.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm telling you, they're gonna like they will never these are conversations that you don't forget.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, kind of it kind of you stand corrected.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you've been corrected a bit.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just listening to the way you're saying it and and you're you don't sound so sure of it.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_00: You don't even sound so sure of what you're saying to yourself.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_03: Because I'm trying to have a difficult conversation with the other person without having them shut down because I want them, I'm I'm coming in soft, and that's why you think maybe I sound unsure.
• 47:09
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not unsure, but I'm kind of coming in soft.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_03: Because if I come in with a harsh delivery or a firmer delivery, yeah, they're gonna shut down and they're gonna be like, I'm out.
• 47:18
  SPEAKER_03: No, well, I don't, I don't do that.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_03: Because can you imagine, Tim?
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_03: I don't I don't do that.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what you're talking about.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_03: I don't do that.
• 47:24
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I know.
• 47:26
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, I don't feel like I do that.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_03: I don't feel like I do that.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, I'm telling you that you do, and I'm telling you this is how I feel.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_03: So that's why I'm doing the cut, because you're hearing the lilt in my voice.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_03: You're hearing the question, you're hearing the question mark in my voice.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm I'm doing that on purpose.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't really like question marks and statements, and I don't like lilting.
• 47:46
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna have a voice coach on a couple of weeks.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_03: We talk about this with this podcast guest who's gonna come up, come in and talk about this.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_03: I'm doing it on purpose in this situation because I'm confronting someone.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm sort of softening it so that I can get my point across and they can hear what I'm saying and that what I want is changed behavior.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I want behavior change.
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, yeah.
• 48:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's my request.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 48:11
  SPEAKER_03: Does that make sense?
• 48:12
  SPEAKER_00: It does.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: I think I don't think I would use that approach.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_00: I think I would go in with a very specific question.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, right.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I think it'd be like, hey, do you just out of curiosity, do you do you have an issue with me running?
• 48:23
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, pause, right?
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: And wait for the response because and they will say no, right?
• 48:28
  SPEAKER_00: And they will say, And then and then I could say, Well, it's interesting, right?
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because I've you've brought you've made comments about my running.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, many conversations over the last just be careful with the word it's interesting because that looks like sarcasm.
• 48:43
  SPEAKER_03: That sounded when you said it right now, that sounded to me like sarcasm.
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, it's interesting because so that's gonna get someone's back up because you sounded sarcastic right now.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sarcasm is a form of hostility, everyone.
• 48:55
  SPEAKER_03: Sarcasm is a form of hostility and anger.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so I would rather do the lilting voice than the well, it's interesting because yeah, that's sarcasm.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_03: Uh it's sarcasm.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, or I could just say, Well, uh, I've heard you say these comments.
• 49:10
  SPEAKER_03: I've thought.
• 49:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, not a feel.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have heard you.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: I just it's I don't want to sugarcoat it at that point.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you I'm talking to a coworker.
• 49:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, there's no need for sugarcoating at this point.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, hey, dude, like what you're friends, your friends outside of work, and you're really close working.
• 49:25
  SPEAKER_00: You're changing the scene a little bit, but okay.
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I'm with you.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, cool.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_03: So, well, no, you just you just abruptly ended.
• 49:34
  SPEAKER_03: No, I the only thing I would say to you is I would I it's interesting.
• 49:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like okay, I can I can hear that.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can hear that because I don't, yeah.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_03: I I you don't talk, you don't talk that way to me.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_03: No funny.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_00: I but I think well, I we're talking about work, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 49:48
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like I think that because in those type of situations, that stuff, and again, okay.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_00: We see people at work with their work hand on.
• 49:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we don't know how they are all the time.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_03: But this is lunchroom outside of work.
• 50:04
  SPEAKER_03: I know, I know.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm just giving an example of this is lunchroom.
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_03: This is someone who, like maybe you're you're tight.
• 50:09
  SPEAKER_03: I just like said, you're you're tight.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_03: You guys are tight with each other.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's a good co it's someone who's a coworker who's become a friend.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, like you text outside of work.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: Then then I think it's even easier then if that's the case.
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_03: So I think, okay, number one, I think you start, okay.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_03: So how do we start this conversation?
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_03: I think you choose a time.
• 50:24
  SPEAKER_03: So I did I I would be remiss if I didn't say this.
• 50:27
  SPEAKER_03: I think you reach out to them and say, maybe you're the lone, hey, can we can we talk?
• 50:30
  SPEAKER_03: I'd like to talk to you for a little bit.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_03: Can we have a conversation in private?
• 50:33
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know they're gonna you're gonna have their antenna up.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sure.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_03: What's up?
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, what's yeah, what's what's going on?
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_03: Or you could text it.
• 50:39
  SPEAKER_03: I would have you do it in person because once you text them, they're gonna be able to think straight because they're gonna be like, what is going on?
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 50:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like, like, can we talk later?
• 50:46
  SPEAKER_03: No, let's talk right now because what's going on?
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_03: You know, we all do that, right?
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_03: So, hey, can we to choose a time?
• 50:51
  SPEAKER_03: Can we talk?
• 50:52
  SPEAKER_03: Can you can you meet in 30 minutes in the conference room or in your car in the parking lot, wherever you can be private?
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_03: And then I want you to own, I want you to own what you're gonna say to them, but I also want you to own the delay because we're talking about resentment.
• 51:06
  SPEAKER_03: So this is something that's been going on for a period of time.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say this this running lunchroom thing has been gone for a few months, okay?
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_03: They've been making comments.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_03: So I want you to own the delay.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_03: Like, okay, I should have brought this up to you sooner, and I never did, and and I apologize for that.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I've I've it's been bothering me and I want to work this out.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_03: This has been bothering me, and I want to work this out with you because I care about you and I care about our relationship and our friendship, okay?
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_03: So I want you to number two, I want you to own the delay.
• 51:37
  SPEAKER_03: And then I want you, so you're gonna tell them the situation, and then you're gonna listen to them, you're gonna hear their view.
• 51:42
  SPEAKER_03: You're gonna stop talking and let them talk.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like I didn't realize, you know, I I I didn't know.
• 51:50
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I I I didn't know.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't know if they would say, Well, I'm I'm jealous of you, or I'm you, you know, I or they maybe they say you talk about running a lot and you talk about it, I feel like you talk about it too much, too much, and it quite a bit.
• 52:06
  SPEAKER_03: And and and I okay, I guess I say those things and I okay, I guess I do.
• 52:12
  SPEAKER_03: Hear them on that and and hear them that even if you're like, I don't talk about it too much, maybe you do, maybe you don't, but they feel like you talk about it a lot when you got them with the group for them.
• 52:24
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about it too much, right?
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_03: So you know, and if and if they're telling you that it's a pattern that you have, you gotta own that.
• 52:32
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, so I think it's important for you to be like, okay, well, then I'm on alert.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_03: So maybe I do talk about myself and my running all season long.
• 52:39
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't think it's too much because I love it and it's something that's very important for me in my life, but okay, maybe I'm talking about it a lot and I will, I'm on notice now.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'll watch it because it's too much, maybe for other people.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, yeah, and that so that's you've you've already predetermined your narrative.
• 52:58
  SPEAKER_00: So you're gonna agree on the next this is their narrative, yes.
• 53:01
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, exactly.
• 53:02
  SPEAKER_03: And you're gonna agree on the next step.
• 53:04
  SPEAKER_03: So you're gonna agree that okay, well, I will be much okay, I will be much more mindful about that.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you know, and I will and say to yourself, Well, I will I'll talk about other things too in my life, and I won't just talk about running every time we're, you know, all together, you know, I'll talk about other things because if they're not a runner, that could be really ear, even when you're a runner, for example, it can be irritating to talk to listen to people.
• 53:24
  SPEAKER_03: We know this because we're runners.
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_01: Too much.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_03: There are times it can be too much, right?
• 53:28
  SPEAKER_03: So, and is that something that that works for both of you?
• 53:31
  SPEAKER_03: Is that something that they're like, you know, okay, yeah, I will I won't talk about it as much.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_03: And I and I get it, you're not a runner, and it's it's irritating to you, and I will work on that.
• 53:40
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, okay.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_03: And you will know if they're agreement.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_03: Because remember, you're the one who called them out and said, Can we have a conversation?
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_03: And now you brought it up.
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_03: Now you gotta listen to what they have to say to you.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: If they do, and what are you gonna do?
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_03: And own your stuff, yeah.
• 53:53
  SPEAKER_03: And and change from it, get some change, yeah.
• 53:57
  SPEAKER_03: All right, so I hope that that would was helpful.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna talk now about so So let me can I just really quick?
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I what time is it?
• 54:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know.
• 54:08
  SPEAKER_03: But but almost an hour in.
• 54:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna have one of these conversations that you and I are just kind of assessing right now.
• 54:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this morning with somebody.
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_03: Are you?
• 54:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 54:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm like, I that's why I'm like really like, okay, let me ask this question.
• 54:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like I'm really dialing.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, that so I'm gonna get into work.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna get into work a little bit more for everybody, okay?
• 54:29
  SPEAKER_03: So that's that example was of a coworker that you are very friendly with, yeah.
• 54:33
  SPEAKER_03: And a coworker that you become friends with outside of work, and maybe there's somebody that you go to happy hour with, maybe you somebody you go to lunch with them while you're at work, and maybe you maybe you don't see them too much on the weekends, but you text all the time.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_03: Like you become friends.
• 54:46
  SPEAKER_03: It started at work, but you are friends.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, now I'm gonna talk about this.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_03: These are co-workers and colleagues, okay.
• 54:52
  SPEAKER_03: This maybe these are bosses, all right.
• 54:55
  SPEAKER_03: These are managers, team leaders.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so it's gonna be the same sort of thing, but the example is gonna be the leader, maybe you, Tim, who keeps accepting late work from people.
• 55:06
  SPEAKER_03: You're the person who says no problem.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_03: And this is over time.
• 55:10
  SPEAKER_03: You're the person who fixes the fallout.
• 55:12
  SPEAKER_03: You're the fixer, you come in, you fix when everything sort of falls apart.
• 55:16
  SPEAKER_03: You're the person who, you know, you finally deliver feedback to people on your team when frustration with everybody is already at a nine.
• 55:25
  SPEAKER_03: And you're resentful now.
• 55:27
  SPEAKER_03: So you're now the resentful person because you have to like fix and deal with, you know, you're giving feedback, but like, oh, you know, everything is already at a nine.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_03: You're the guy who's like, no problem, no problem.
• 55:39
  SPEAKER_03: It's not that big of a deal.
• 55:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so here's some coaching questions for you, and I would ask for anybody in the workplace.
• 55:46
  SPEAKER_03: Have you been clear about the deadline?
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_03: Were you clear about that deadline?
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_03: Have you explained the impact?
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_03: Have you explained to them the impact?
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_00: Of not meeting the deadline.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, there you go.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_03: Have I said to them what needs to change?
• 56:02
  SPEAKER_03: Have you clearly said to them, here's what needs to change?
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you have, maybe you haven't.
• 56:08
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you thought you did and you didn't.
• 56:10
  SPEAKER_03: What support or constraint have we not discussed?
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_03: What support or constraint have I not discussed with my people?
• 56:18
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so that's on you.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 56:20
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_03: So here's the language.
• 56:22
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna give you some language here.
• 56:24
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm gonna use an example.
• 56:26
  SPEAKER_03: So the last reports they came in after the deadline, which held up the review.
• 56:32
  SPEAKER_03: What is what can you tell me what's getting in the way of that?
• 56:36
  SPEAKER_03: And what what could we agree on for Friday?
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_03: That's an example.
• 56:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so last three reports came in after the deadline.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_03: You knew when the deadline was, it came in after.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it held up this whole review we're we were supposed to do.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_03: What's getting in the way for you?
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_03: And what could we agree on to get done for let's say Monday morning?
• 56:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, end of day, EOD Wednesday.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_03: So you gotta make the agreement usable for people.
• 57:04
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 57:05
  SPEAKER_03: So what will be delivered by when?
• 57:08
  SPEAKER_03: And when should they tell you if something is getting in the way?
• 57:12
  SPEAKER_03: So you also gotta let them know I don't want you to wait until Friday at three to tell me something is in the way.
• 57:18
  SPEAKER_03: You gotta come and tell me.
• 57:20
  SPEAKER_03: That's on you, but you as a leader have got to clarify that with them.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_03: You come tell me Friday morning.
• 57:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I don't even care if you have to text me before I'm at work, you need to text me.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_03: Text me Friday morning.
• 57:30
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want to hear about this Friday at three.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I would tell them that.
• 57:34
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 57:35
  SPEAKER_03: So what will be delivered by when?
• 57:38
  SPEAKER_03: And what do you what are you gonna tell them?
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_03: All right, if something is getting in the way to tell you.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, so I want you to look at your own response.
• 57:48
  SPEAKER_03: When someone raises a problem early to you, Tim, for I'm just using you as an example.
• 57:52
  SPEAKER_03: Some when somebody does raise a problem early to you, do you listen to them?
• 57:57
  SPEAKER_00: Raises a problem early early in the day.
• 57:59
  SPEAKER_03: So maybe they did raise a problem.
• 58:01
  SPEAKER_03: Let's say they're like, Tim, I did text you Friday at eight o'clock.
• 58:05
  SPEAKER_03: Did you listen?
• 58:06
  SPEAKER_03: This is on you, and this is on any of you who have people underneath you.
• 58:09
  SPEAKER_03: These are for the leadership people.
• 58:12
  SPEAKER_03: Did you listen?
• 58:13
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, I they did what you told them to do, but them said this is on you now.
• 58:16
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, did you listen?
• 58:17
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, do you do you interrupt them?
• 58:20
  SPEAKER_03: Do you let them talk?
• 58:22
  SPEAKER_03: Do you interrupt?
• 58:23
  SPEAKER_03: Do you tend to be an interrupter?
• 58:25
  SPEAKER_03: Now look inside yourself and really think that one through everybody.
• 58:28
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 58:29
  SPEAKER_03: Do you minimize it?
• 58:30
  SPEAKER_03: Do you minimize a situation?
• 58:32
  SPEAKER_03: Do you minimize them?
• 58:33
  SPEAKER_03: Really important.
• 58:35
  SPEAKER_03: This is like some blind spot work.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 58:37
  SPEAKER_03: Are you someone who tends to minimize?
• 58:39
  SPEAKER_03: If you do it in your personal life, you might do it at work with your colleagues and co-workers and your employees.
• 58:45
  SPEAKER_03: Do you make them regret telling you what the issue is?
• 58:50
  SPEAKER_03: Remember, this is a really big thing.
• 58:53
  SPEAKER_03: Do you make people regret coming to you?
• 58:56
  SPEAKER_03: Now you may have to get some feedback from other people in your workspace to know this.
• 59:00
  SPEAKER_03: But sometimes, this is what I hear from my my coaching clients.
• 59:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I tell him or her, I tell them, why do I tell them that nothing happens, nothing changes?
• 59:10
  SPEAKER_03: We talk, we talk about this with HR.
• 59:12
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry, HR, but we talk about this a lot with HR.
• 59:15
  SPEAKER_03: And it comes up a lot with my clients in my coaching calls.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 59:18
  SPEAKER_03: My clients say to me, I regret telling anybody this because it got to that person's ears, but it didn't get to that person's ears who really needed to hear about it.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 59:26
  SPEAKER_03: And now I regret saying anything.
• 59:27
  SPEAKER_03: And what does that do?
• 59:29
  SPEAKER_03: It shuts the person down and it it increases low morale at work.
• 59:34
  SPEAKER_03: We know this to be true, right?
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_03: Absolutely, yeah.
• 59:36
  SPEAKER_03: This is what the research shows, but we anecdotally know it to be true.
• 59:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:40
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 59:40
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 59:41
  SPEAKER_03: So the the research brief I'm going to bring in here, just so you all know.
• 59:46
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, this is the research that I do getting ready for these episodes.
• 59:49
  SPEAKER_03: This is once again Amy Edmondson.
• 59:51
  SPEAKER_03: I've talked about her before.
• 59:53
  SPEAKER_03: She had a study that it was back in 1999.
• 59:57
  SPEAKER_03: She studied 51 work teams and found that psychological safety was associated with learning behavior.
• 1:00:03
  SPEAKER_03: So what I just said to you about low, low morale and people getting shut down, that's people not having psychological safety.
• 1:00:10
  SPEAKER_03: They do come to tell you, but then they regret telling you because you didn't do anything about it or you handled it maybe not in a great way.
• 1:00:18
  SPEAKER_03: There's research behind this, okay?
• 1:00:20
  SPEAKER_03: So people need room to raise a problem while there's still time to address it.
• 1:00:25
  SPEAKER_03: So remember that, everybody.
• 1:00:27
  SPEAKER_03: People need room to raise an issue while there's still time to address it.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:00:31
  SPEAKER_03: So here's the question: what does my response teach someone about speaking up to me next time?
• 1:00:38
  SPEAKER_03: What does my response?
• 1:00:40
  SPEAKER_03: And this is your blind spot work.
• 1:00:42
  SPEAKER_03: What is it, what is it telling me?
• 1:00:43
  SPEAKER_03: But what am I telling others about speaking up next time something might go awry?
• 1:00:49
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:00:50
  SPEAKER_03: So Tim, why think of a boss that you have had that you could tell bad news to historically in all your in your career?
• 1:00:59
  SPEAKER_03: What did that person do that helped you be honest?
• 1:01:04
  SPEAKER_03: Think about somebody, a good boss, that you had psychological safety with and you knew like I can go to them, I can talk to them.
• 1:01:13
  SPEAKER_03: What what did that what did that look like for you?
• 1:01:16
  SPEAKER_03: And how did they help you be honest?
• 1:01:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm delivering bad news in regards to what?
• 1:01:20
  SPEAKER_00: It in like something I'msue.
• 1:01:22
  SPEAKER_00: I did incorrectly.
• 1:01:24
  SPEAKER_00: You or your team or we maybe we didn't deliver something as promised or yeah, anything.
• 1:01:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:01:31
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody that you had a decent work relationship with that you trusted.
• 1:01:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I mean I think in those scenarios, I've appreciated the boss that's been able to go back and help analyze like what were the things that contributed to that missed deadline or bad decisions, like like so that you can learn from it versus like harping on the negative stuff, right?
• 1:01:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's look at the negative stuff, but let's understand what that tell us.
• 1:02:01
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 1:02:02
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't always get that.
• 1:02:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think people take the time to do that.
• 1:02:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't do that, you're not really assisting the idea that you can alter the course next time, like you can you can make it better next time because the symptoms are gonna be the symptoms, right?
• 1:02:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's still there somewhere, so you need to address the things, right?
• 1:02:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is it is it was it a time management issue?
• 1:02:27
  SPEAKER_03: Is this so it sounds like it's honesty for you?
• 1:02:29
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, it's being able to be honest with your boss about this is what's happening, this is what went down.
• 1:02:34
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, and and you can if you feel like you trust them and you have honesty with them, you can accept maybe their feedback to you, yeah, about you and or your team.
• 1:02:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:02:44
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and also just maybe assisting in in helping understand like what else to consider to look at that could be contributing factors, other things that are going on, yeah.
• 1:02:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right, because I think it's easy to consider the stuff that's like obvious, right?
• 1:02:59
  SPEAKER_00: But like I think we forget a lot of times it's like, well, there this is a human, right?
• 1:03:04
  SPEAKER_00: So this this human that that made these errors also has a lot of influences on them, you know, in work, right?
• 1:03:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so there's there's other things, and also how they're wired.
• 1:03:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like you got to consider how somebody's wired, they might not be wired to do or think or process or whatever in a way that lends to success for this.
• 1:03:25
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, all right, we need to look at that.
• 1:03:26
  SPEAKER_00: Is that something that can be worked on?
• 1:03:28
  SPEAKER_00: Or should we just reconsider the skill set?
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 1:03:31
  SPEAKER_00: And does it match what we're asking that person to do?
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_03: Sure.
• 1:03:34
  SPEAKER_03: Well, those are your strengths.
• 1:03:35
  SPEAKER_03: That's a strengths test.
• 1:03:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:03:37
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:03:38
  SPEAKER_03: So let's some questions for all of you as we end this episode today.
• 1:03:44
  SPEAKER_03: How do I respond when someone tells me something difficult?
• 1:03:48
  SPEAKER_03: This is on all of us.
• 1:03:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:03:50
  SPEAKER_03: So we're talking about resentment.
• 1:03:52
  SPEAKER_03: Now, now let's put you on the receiving end of it.
• 1:03:56
  SPEAKER_03: Somebody's going to talk to you about something they're resentful about of you.
• 1:03:59
  SPEAKER_03: You know, maybe your part in the relationship.
• 1:04:01
  SPEAKER_03: How do you respond when someone tells you something that's difficult for you to hear?
• 1:04:05
  SPEAKER_03: Be real honest with yourself on that.
• 1:04:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:04:08
  SPEAKER_03: Can I hear their concern before explaining why I did what I did?
• 1:04:12
  SPEAKER_03: Can I hear their concern before getting uber defensive?
• 1:04:16
  SPEAKER_03: And like going into like, you're like, oh, you know, well, this and that, you know, like getty defensive.
• 1:04:22
  SPEAKER_03: Can you really listen to them explain, you know, before you say, well, this is why I did what I did?
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:04:29
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 1:04:30
  SPEAKER_03: Really, really important.
• 1:04:31
  SPEAKER_03: That's your work, everyone.
• 1:04:32
  SPEAKER_03: That's your work, depending on your answer.
• 1:04:35
  SPEAKER_03: Then you may need to do some work on resentment and on communication.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:04:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:04:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because that's what I'm here for.
• 1:04:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you want to go into a mode of like being a really good listener, right?
• 1:04:46
  SPEAKER_00: And asking questions that actually help you understand what that person is trying to say.
• 1:04:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 1:04:53
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 1:04:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because like if you don't and you do what you just said, you get defensive.
• 1:04:58
  SPEAKER_03: That's what we all need to work on.
• 1:04:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just you're building the blocks up in between.
• 1:05:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, we all need to work on that.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:05:03
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, that's how we, you know, I know that this is hard work and it's work that we all, I think, all of us need to do or can improve upon.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:05:10
  SPEAKER_03: We're humans, we can get defensive.
• 1:05:12
  SPEAKER_03: And we can work on bringing it down just a just a notch.
• 1:05:15
  SPEAKER_03: You know, it doesn't mean you don't get defensive.
• 1:05:18
  SPEAKER_03: It's learning to to listen that we're not that we're not perfect and that we make mistakes and we and people are affected by us, and that like that you could somebody could be resentful towards you because the pattern of the way you've been behaving, co-worker, over the past several months, all you do is talk about your freaking running, and I'm getting tired of it.
• 1:05:35
  SPEAKER_03: And now I'm kind of resentful.
• 1:05:36
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's on you that you never said anything to them either.
• 1:05:39
  SPEAKER_03: You know, but if someone does tell you they're resentful, yeah, listen to that.
• 1:05:42
  SPEAKER_03: So it's it's both ways.
• 1:05:44
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:05:44
  SPEAKER_03: Don't you think?
• 1:05:45
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I think it's it would be priceless for all of us to like be able to go to a some type of continuing ad on difficult conversations, right?
• 1:05:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I think that would be something that you could sell to any company and any company which should like run to the door.
• 1:06:03
  SPEAKER_03: How many times we talked about the companies that really do need to probably bring in communication and leadership coaches, and they don't.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:09
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know why.
• 1:06:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and you also need to bring in a good one because a lot of I think a lot of us have gone to things like this.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:06:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah.
• 1:06:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're listening to this guy and you're like, dude, I could have put this conversation together much better than what you've got going on right now.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 1:06:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, believe me, I know it's unfortunate.
• 1:06:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, you hear the good examples and you hear examples that are like you hear the examples of really good leaders and really good executive and to develop personal development coaches.
• 1:06:34
  SPEAKER_03: Then you hear examples of, oh, jeez.
• 1:06:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 1:06:36
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, they feel badly for that company or that team.
• 1:06:39
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 1:06:39
  SPEAKER_03: Because that wasn't good.
• 1:06:40
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:06:41
  SPEAKER_03: So we're going to end.
• 1:06:42
  SPEAKER_03: And we talked a little bit about friendship today and family, but next week we're talking specifically about resentment in friendships.
• 1:06:51
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:06:52
  SPEAKER_03: So that's next week's episode.
• 1:06:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's all about resentment.
• 1:06:54
  SPEAKER_03: And we're talking about friends and expectations of friends and resentment towards friends and what to do about it if this is something that you're dealing with in your life.
• 1:07:03
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 1:07:04
  SPEAKER_03: All right, everyone.
• 1:07:05
  SPEAKER_03: Thanks for listening.
• 1:07:06
  SPEAKER_03: Mad love.
• 1:07:07
  SPEAKER_03: Have a wonderful week, and we'll see you all next week.
• 1:07:09
  SPEAKER_03: Take care.