Latest / Dits & Dahs / the shock of grief is an eternal constant
Transcript
- Sue: receiving the news this morning that a loved one had died in my family, the married spouse of my cousin, who I also consider my cousin. This is the first spousal death since my late husband died over four and a half years ago. It's giving me a moment to reframe my experience and share it with her. And the singular bit of advice that I have is A don't listen to anybody giving you advice. And B The reason for not listening to anybody else is because you control you. This is a time when people that you know and are unfamiliar with are coming out of the woodworks for various reasons, legitimate. And when you're a surviving spouse, the immediate shock that you feel is pervasive and colors everything that you experience. I'm just reinforcing that which I already know, which is you always have to make decisions for the best of you. Even if it's a family member encourage you to try this or do that. The death of a spouse, even when you're amongst family and friends, providing emotional comfort, is a very solitary experience that you can never fully repair for. Yeah, it's important to tell people that you love them and I encourage that each and every day. Don't ask if somebody loves you, but you get the gist. Is that showing your gratitude and appreciation for the people in your life who make a difference? to you is always important, but it's not anywhere the kind of preparation if there is such a thing for dealing with the grief of a spouse. I can't speak to any other grief other than relatives. I'm told that the grief of a child is just as deep. I I get that. But nonetheless, the only thing you can prepare for if there is any preparation is to live your life knowing that you control you and to be aware of external energies that are trying to influence you. They may not even realize that they're doing it. That's the other thing. Forgive yourself first. Don't ask for good forgiveness. Don't ask for love. Just do it out of yourself. Some situations deaths can be long anticipated. Confirmation with the bird, with an illness that might be present. You know the end is near. And yet at this very vulnerable time, expressing gratitude every day for what you have is certainly a way to help prepare you for things when you experience a spousal death, but that immediate shock is really quite overwhelming. And if you're of the other side, you can And that you're not the surviving spouse but are still experiencing grief with that loss. Just remember, everyone controls themselves. Your well meaning thoughts and ideas are yours. It's none of their business to be shared. I don't mean that in a rude way. It's just that when you project your ideas and thoughts, it can be very tempting and well, feeling as though you must share your thoughts about what should be done, even if it's risking wishing somebody condolences. I get it. And if you're listening to this and experiencing from the outside looking in someone else's grief, wish them calm and peace. Don't say sorry. Give them the gift, calm and peace and serenity. 'Cause goodness knows it's anything but it this time. And just know that that will come back to you. Few words is better than more, but the most important thing is to allow clarity so that the surviving spouse has a balanced place from which to make decisions. one of the greatest gifts you can give a surviving spouse. That's my opinion. That was what I learned from my experience firsthand. Because no matter what you call the physical death, you're still connected spiritually to that spouse. And it may be that you never have your arms around that person or them around you again in this lifetime, but they're still embracing their spouse. Confirmation was a woodpecker. And to put a finer point on it, it's just another day. That's not to diminish the loss or the grief. It's an understanding of perspective and to give grace and patience to those who may need it most at this time. Thank you for listening. I appreciate your sharing your energy with me.