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Transcript

The Only People Who Should Vote | Charles Haycock | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I heard that song.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know the one?
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, don't know what you got till it's gone.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, isn't that true?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because a couple weeks ago, somebody well, yeah, like some what happened is a guy he stole the CAD Lytic converter from my car, and I did not know that I had that.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I I did not know that anyone had that until it was gone.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I still don't know what is that.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I do know that I need that.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it was converting, uh, Jehovah's into Mormons or but I travel Amish style.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: You guys aren't Amish though, I can tell.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're so hip.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: You you know about drugs?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, the variety is getting too much for me, you know?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like one drug can try and kill you, and then the next drug can save you from that drug killing you, then the next drug can make you feel less sad about the first one trying to kill you, and then the next drug can give you a decent boner, and then the next drug can make you pour maple syrup onto a cracker.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And consider that an innovation.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then you put it in the microwave for 70 minutes.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, no, you don't turn it on.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: You just put it there.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: You look at it through the microwave window, you're like, why is the window tinted in the opposite direction?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I can't see the cracker, but it can see me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: And then you get scared.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: You guys ever get so scared you just go to bed?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just dine my sleep, thank you.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Then you wake up in the morning and realize I don't even have a microwave.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: You go into your kitchen, there's just a shoebox with the cracker in it.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And everything's sticky, but you forgot about the syrup, so you don't know why?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, there's nothing worse than a mystery sticky.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Now you got that conundrum.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, oh, if I want to know what sticky this is, I have to taste it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And that is a very high-risk, low reward proposition.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: No one goes in like, mmm, this was worth it.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, man.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've I've never uh done drugs in my lifetime, and um, it is true, I haven't done them because like I'm already like this.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: So you know, I don't want to double up.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: OD on 1D.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be so sad.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, but then I have a you have that friend, he's like trying so hard to gay to do it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: He's come on, it'll change your life, bro.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just drop acid one time, it'll change your life.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: But then you look at his life, you're like, I don't want to live in a shed and use my cat for a towel.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, I'm just trying to keep up, man.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: The world, it does change, like actually.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys even remember before yoga pants?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even remember before everything was stretchy, dude.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: I imagine back then designing a pantalon was really hard.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: They were scratching their heads and like, uh, I mean, some people's legs are shaped like legs, but some people's legs shaped like a croissant.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And some people's legs shaped like a fencing sword, stabbed an apple for an eco.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: We can't have a small, medium croissant, fencing sword stabbed an apple for an eca.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: We need a material that could like swallow a deer like a snake.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: We need steak pants.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: They did it.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's fandex, man.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: Even your genes are like 10% black mamba.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you can share them with your dad or your mother.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: They will swallow anyone.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uniting us.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: One family, one pant.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is a quality right there.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Weren't we divided before, you know?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: Cause guys, we had like small, medium, large, which is like kind of okay.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: But then women, I learned you had like numbers?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: Zero?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: How do you have zero?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what the?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: But then it clicked.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: My theory is that there was some asshole over at Big Clothing, and he was like, oh.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: What if we made women's sizes reveal how many meals they eat every day?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do it.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just connecting dots, guys.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You can be double zero.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know that?
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: It makes sense.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Double zero.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: That that's like when you don't eat and you throw up.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's like super zero.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, no, you guys aren't on board with that one, but I will continue.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I these are the jokes.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what to tell you.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: It is mean, okay, I admit it.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: But it's only mean because women care, you know?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Guys don't care.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: We'd be bragging, dude.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: We'd be like, oh, I had 11 dinners today.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: The most in the land.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: You only had nine, you little boy.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But then women are ashamed of people knowing that they need food to live.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you always hiding?
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You ever catch a chick eating food in a car?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, gotcha, bitch.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: You thought you were alone?
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're sitting on the chair surrounded by windows.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you can see me, I can see you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Then she starts speeding.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're in a high-speed car chase.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: She wants no one to know, but I have to know that she knows that I know.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: That she eats food from time to time.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Anyways, do you guys think that women should vote?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody, good.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm glad we can agree on one thing.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, seriously though, I do think, I think, that most women should not vote, but only because, hear me now, I think the only people that should vote are single moms.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're the only people that deeply understand that if you pick the wrong guy, there are consequences.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love asking single moms about the baby daddy, you know, because they'll start off chapped, right?
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're like, oh, that piece is oh my god.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But then they stop, they're like, you know what, though?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: He gave me the greatest gift I could ever receive.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's never a boat, it's never the new iPhone.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's an annoying child every time, you know?
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you're telling me that guy was so generous.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: He started gifting other women as well.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds like a young Santa Claus.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Gifting the nation.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, that is not fair.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'll admit it, man.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's kind of messed up.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because now, as a dude, like, you can just go out there and you can you can meet a woman and then like create a life and like a future.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: And also, if you ruin her whole life, you're just like, oh babe, don't even worry about it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'll just like leave you with the greatest gift.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: No refunds.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: No, but uh, but I but I do do drugs.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I forgot.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I uh oh man.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I did do them one time, that's the truth.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: But uh it was a long time ago, and I was actually really little, and it was with my mom, which is so weird, man.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, because when we did drugs, she was in her third trimester.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, y'all hit the bong, I hit that umbilical, and uh packs a bunch.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: You ever wonder why do cops have a hard time finding drug dealers?
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you ever trace it back to the root of distribution?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Those like miniature Ziploc baggies.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Who else is buying those?
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: Dude, no one makes a sandwich to cut it up into 38 pieces.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Fit into their one by one inch picnic packs.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: You think Ziploc knows?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit, man, sandwich bag sails down, but little tiny little bag sails way up.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But how surely it's not crack cocaine.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I only did drugs once.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I but I don't know why I'm like this, because also I don't have autism uh because I've never been tested.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's how you beat it.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's the only cure I've heard of.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: But no, my my brother though, uh, he got tested.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: So they got him.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Um yeah, you can't give it back.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's people ask me, yo, does he have it full on?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, it's not part-time.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like weekends hit the club, Mondays back to puzzles.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, but I I do have to go.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um because I've I'm working on a puzzle.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: You guys have a good one.