Latest / Truth + Conversation / Truth + Excuses
Transcript
- You don’t experience your excuses as excuses. You experience them as reality—and it’s everyone around you who seems to have excuses. That is where this episode begins: with the unsettling possibility that much of what you regard as simply true about yourself and your life may have originated in explanation, justification and excuse. You don’t experience your beliefs as beliefs either. They are the beliefs of the character you’ve become, but to you, they form the foundations of reality. They tell you what is possible, what is reasonable and what can be expected of you. George Carlin captured this perfectly with his observation that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, while anyone driving faster is a maniac. Somehow, you are always travelling at the correct speed. You are the standard. Your position doesn’t occur to you as one position among many; it becomes the place from which everybody and everything else is judged. Research has even found that 85 to 90 percent of drivers claim to drive more slowly than the average driver—an impossibility that reveals just how readily we experience ourselves as the sensible ones. But this isn’t about driving. It’s about the reality you’ve built around your own position. There are excuses you already know you make: why you were late, why you didn’t go to the gym, why you were too busy to do what you said you would do. Those are merely the sprinkles on top of the cake. This episode is about the cake. An excuse can begin as something you consciously produce and then, without any experienced transition, become part of what is real to you. There is no alarm. No defining moment. Nothing tells you that an explanation has crossed over and begun shaping your identity, your relationships, your decisions and your sense of what is available. Eventually, you are no longer examining it. You are living inside it. That is why believing something means nothing. How profoundly you believe it doesn’t authenticate it. How passionately you defend it doesn’t authenticate it. How long you’ve believed it doesn’t authenticate it either. You believe your reality because, to you, it is reality. Responsibility begins to expose the structure. Most people will accept responsibility up to a certain point. They’ll admit they need to communicate better, take care of their health or leave a situation they’ve remained in for too long. Then comes the “yeah, but.” The “yeah, but” marks the territory. It identifies the place where you have decided: I’ll be responsible up to here. Beyond here, I’m out. This responsibility has nothing to do with blame, fault or carrying some moral burden. It asks where you are willing to remain on the hook for your life being different—and where you have convinced yourself that you cannot be. When a conversation gets close to that boundary, you defend it. If the ordinary “yeah, but” doesn’t work, you introduce Nazis, sinking ships, crashing planes or some other extreme situation in which you have no personal involvement. You may even appoint yourself spokesperson for every traumatized, oppressed or disadvantaged person on Earth. The conversation is moved somewhere it cannot possibly touch you. We can debate the limits of human responsibility forever; we just don’t have to talk about your life. Underneath that defense is something even more debilitating: the way you diminish yourself. You treat yourself as incapable, overwhelmed or fundamentally unable to meet the situation. You hide behind your personality, your standards, your childhood, your relationship, your responsibilities and the complications of your life. With almost nine billion people on Earth, you insist that your particular situation is the one so unique that none of this applies. Those complications become camouflage, protecting you from the most confronting possibility of all: that you might actually be on the hook for the quality of your life—for your success, happiness, satisfaction and self-expression. Even personal development can become part of the camouflage. You can spend your life examining yourself, understanding yourself, unpacking yourself and healing yourself. The work becomes somewhere to hide. You do the work so that you can continue doing the work, without ever reaching the point where something must become different. That is the power of one question: Now what? It doesn’t ask for a better explanation or a deeper understanding. It unsettles the apparent stability of your excuses and puts you back on the hook for what happens next. You have spent enough time dragging yourself down to the level of your excuses. You are not waiting for a breath. You are the fucking breath. Confront the camouflage. Stop requiring yourself to believe you are powerful. Step forward and behave like a force of nature—someone who does what they said they would do even when everything in their body is screaming in another direction. You can remain at the level of your excuses and experience them as reality, or you can become the force of nature that your reality has to contend with. Now what?