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Why You Don't Have to Be a Perfect Parent · The Parent Tap

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: In the digital economy, parents are told to build a personal brand, launch a book, post content daily, and achieve financial freedom.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: But the reality behind the scenes is usually chronic burnout, frantic screen time behind closed doors, and families quietly being neglected in pursuit of an algorithm.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today, with marketing specialist, author, and business architecture expert Amber Vilhauer, we are pulling back the curtain on modern online hustle, how high-performing parents build real impact without sacrificing their kids, where online branding turns toxic, and the operating system that keeps work from devouring your home life.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you for starting there actually because it's a place that I start normally.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_03: So for example, when I was in Phoenix, Arizona a few weeks ago, it was the first stop of my book tour.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: And we had dozens of people coming in and they're here to learn about this great book and this one, wow, the mom and what nature teaches us looks so great.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_03: So I came in and the first thing I say, Ryan, I want to tell you why we're here.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_03: And I could start by saying we're here because a little six-year-old boy came in and said, Mom, I want to write a book.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: But where I actually want to take you is to the time when I was six years old and I was playing alone on the floor with my little pony, and I was so sad, Ryan, because I wondered why nobody wanted to play with me.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_03: And I say, my my mom was a single mom.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: She was gone working all the time.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: And this is not a victim story.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_03: My mom worked really hard to provide the best life should that she could for us.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: And the fact that I was alone all the time tells you about the kind of childhood she had.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_03: And my older sister resented having to take care of me when she was just a kid herself.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_03: So that wasn't this loving relationship.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_03: She was just coping herself.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_03: And yet, all I knew is I was alone all the time.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: And when I would go to the playground in elementary school, nobody wanted to be my friend.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: I was like the weirdo that wasn't very happy.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And so then because I didn't have friends, that compounded in middle school when people became really mean and I became the source of bullying.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_03: And when I was 16, this is public knowledge, my rock bottom moment is when I got jumped at a party by five girls that I didn't realize the party was set up for me to humiliate me.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_03: And that was really the moment, Ryan, that I realized that nobody was gonna save me, that I had to save me.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_03: And I ended up graduating with honors, which is amazing because I was failing out of class as my freshman year.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: And then I got a job selling Cut Coutlery.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: And that was the first time that I really felt heard, seen, and valued and decided to commit my life to helping other people feel that way because that's our birthright, in my opinion.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: So, yes, while you see this look today, it doesn't mean that I don't cry like I did yesterday.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_03: The pressure is insane.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: It doesn't mean that the laundry doesn't pile up sometimes, but it is a choice.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's a discipline that I have to live and experience the life that I want to have, even if everything is falling apart around me.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_03: It's just, I think, how I've become an adult.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's quite the story and quite the journey you've cut you've come from from those really hard.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Childhood moments.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I can't believe that actually happened and that that goes on.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'd had no experiences like that as a kid.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I guess I was lucky.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: But we all have our time of hardship.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody can save me.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like that's so true.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I feel like that too, going through just the ups and downs of life.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I feel like there's gonna be like a life raft, or like someone's gonna just like help me.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be between jobs right now.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes I'm like, oh come on, former bus or former somebody, just help me out, give me a little bit.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But like I'm finding that out to be true and true.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like you said, like that's not just the case.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You kind of have to make your own lane and and your own brand or whatever, and just go with it.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I I'm a big believer in that because I feel like, especially now in the job market, just personally for me, it's just super hard to stick out and be like a commodity in the workforce right now, or just even in business right now, it's so competitive and there's so many, so much out there, and all these AI tools and everything that everyone's using.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know, that's a little bit of a tangent, but that's just kind of that stuck out to me.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: If I could validate and expand on that for a second, my my day job at my company NGNG is to be a strategist for entrepreneurs, for podcasters, authors, you name it.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_03: And I can validate that AI has absolutely rocked the marketplace.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_03: And it's started years back, right?
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_03: So this isn't new information, but especially in the last, I'd say three to five months, it has become extraordinarily difficult for business owners.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_03: And there's a lot happening behind the scenes right now that most people aren't even aware of yet because to your first point, everyone's like, nothing to see here, folks.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Everything's great on my side of the fence.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_03: But as a strategist, I actually get to see underneath the hood of a lot of businesses and a lot of different industries, and people are hurting.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, going back to some of the other points that we were talking about, the choice that we each have.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_03: I'm here to tell you that it's never been more difficult for me to stay disciplined and emotionally regulated.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_03: But I look down at my little kid and I'm like, but I'm all he's got.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_03: I have to model that for him.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_03: Otherwise, then he is really in trouble.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_03: He's in trouble anyway.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_03: Our poor kids and the environment that they're growing up in, it scares me, Ryan, about how are they gonna stand out?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_03: How are they going to survive adulthood if we're struggling right now?
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_03: And so all I know is that it is hard every day.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_03: It is not easy, but there is something about, to your point, I've done a lot of research into you and the guests that you've had and what you stand for.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_03: And I am so grateful that you are doing what you are doing.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_03: It is needed.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_03: So I I want to validate that as well.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God, I'm gonna blush.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: I no one's ever said that.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate that.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And that means a lot of things.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_03: There's like proof everywhere of how great you are.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: No, no, no.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, cry all the time.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_03: Cry, baby.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, I do too.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: No one knows us, but uh, I guess now they do.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: But uh yeah, I think that's a good thing though too, and that's something that like advocate for men, especially, because if you're not crying, you're not letting your emotions out.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I I feel like it correlates with just like higher the the suicide rate for men are just super high.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're not letting your emotions out, if you're not letting anyone know what's going on behind the curtain, like a few different tools that I rotate through to keep the light on, so to speak.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: And I do have to rotate them because what worked yesterday wouldn't work today, right?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_03: I do think it's a huge problem that people are pretending to be okay when they're not.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: I do think that's a problem.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_03: And I think we have a responsibility even in those moments of how we talk about how we're not okay.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_03: Because most people just spew their negativity, which isn't helpful because then it drags everybody else down.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_03: But I can still talk about how, yeah, I've had people that wanted to sponsor a part of our book tour and then backed out at the last minute.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_03: I had people that made really big commitments that I talked about publicly that backed out at the last minute.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_03: And it's really frustrating because it's like, hey, bro, I'm doing my part though.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_03: What's up with that?
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: I'm trying, I'm trying to be one of the good ones.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: But just because I'm trying to be one of the good ones doesn't mean that I'm exempt from the hardship that is everywhere in our world.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_03: But I think one of the things that I try to do is recognize that if I shut my light off too, then we're that much worse off as a society.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: Someone has to keep the light on to show those who have a dumb light, hey, come on, you gotta get that light up.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: Let's go.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_03: Cause we have to turn this around.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: What's the alternative?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_03: We're all gonna die, just if the world is just gonna collapse.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: We can't do that.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: So someone has to keep the light on.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I would say some of the ways that you can do that, I would say probably one of the most potent things that you can do is really think about your why.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: Not like in the, oh, I'm supposed to have a why as a business, Instagram cliche, but no, actually, what do you live for?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_03: When I look at my kid and I know the social challenges, the pressures, him trying to build his internal world while every news headline is doomsday.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: That's messed up.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: I can get passionate about being more regulated or calm or loving or optimistic because he deserves that.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: He didn't even get a choice, he didn't even get a chance.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: That's so messed up.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_03: I look at kids everywhere and I feel that way.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_03: But unfortunately, I think most adults right now, Ryan, are just desensitized.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like they just they can't even feel that because their hurt is so big.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: But you have to find your why.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: And then sometimes, man, I'm like, I'll get into nature, I'll do deep breathing, I'll sleep extra, I'll listen to dreamy forest music, like literally just rotate it around, whatever is gonna work for me in that moment.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: Because I have a responsibility, not just to my son or to you and your viewers or to everybody watching this campaign.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: That the pressure's on because they're needing us to win so that there's hope again.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: And of course, in my human brain, I'm like, but what if I don't pull it off?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: It's all real.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: We all feel it.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So even you, as accomplished as you are, as many books as you've written, you feel that I don't know if imposter syndrome is the right thing, but I feel this a lot on the show.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: As many shows have I've done, and you flatter me, but I still get the, you know, and I I watched a lot of Conan O'Brien growing up, and he was like this too.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I'm always in over my head, and I feel exactly like that, where I feel like I'm a hundred percent in over my head every time.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone I interview, they're so accomplished and they're so well spoken, and like they live in the the middle of the forest, like you, and it's just like it's a little intimidating sometimes where I'm just like, oh my gosh, I'm just little this I'm nothing, you know what I mean, in my head.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So it's hard for me to separate myself from that imposter syndrome.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Do you suffer with that too?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you do, how do you deal with that?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Or how do you dealt deal with like the self-doubt or like the those thoughts that maybe just aren't always so positive?
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: I go in and out of seasons on it.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: I had my insecurity was through the roof growing up.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: I spent the first 18 years feeling like I had no value.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_03: And now that could just be some sound bite, or if someone could actually imagine what it would feel like for 18 years, the first 18 years of your life, not thinking you had any value in the world, like, whoa, that's pretty insane, right?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Then I had to learn a lot about personal development, and then I would feel better, and then I would backslide.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: And then based on something a client did or has something that happened in a relationship or my family or the world, it was like I kept getting this whiplash, like I was being tossed around and I would go in and out of having that self-worth, right?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: Until in my, I was approaching my 40s, then I had to learn some really hard lessons.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what took me down the road of psychology.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I thought, wait a minute, if we're all predisposed to have bad things happen, human suffering is the experience, right?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_03: Like, where does that come from?
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: And do I have any control?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: Or should I just admit that I'm gonna live in suffering forever?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: And the more I learned about psychology, the less insecure I became, the more I learned how to, I don't like control those things, but understand them and make the choice.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: So we are hardwired for insecurity based on things that happened in our childhood.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_03: And if we can understand how that came to be, then that gives us choice.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_03: And choice is a freedom.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: And freedom is the very thing that people feel like they have lost.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_03: They are in handcuffs right now.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have freedom in the job market.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have freedom over my food, whether it's healthy or not.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have freedom over this, and I don't have freedom over that.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_03: So I think what's happening is we're all feeling trapped and helpless and hopeless.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: So the antidote to that is we really have to go into a state of wonder and awe.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_03: So it could be a good thing if you feel like, gosh, I'm nothing, right?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's the feeling that I get when I look up at the stars, for example, and I'm like, me, myself, and my big problems compared to that, or like the ocean and thinking about all of the living creatures in the ocean and where the beautiful things live, or these mountain ranges and forests.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_03: I get out here because this is how I believe again and something bigger, some design that is maybe using me somehow.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: And what role do I want to play in that?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: And that's our individual choice.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_03: And humanity is collectively getting it wrong right now, which is why now more than ever before, we've got to shift back into a state of wonder and awe and believing that there's something bigger at play here, and what role do I want to have in it?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so true.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you think about nature like I do.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I love being in the the boy, that's why I keep making references to it because I'm seriously jealous.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: I used to live in northern Arizona, and so there was a little bit of that.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Not exactly that, but it was nice.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, yeah, so I do miss the, yeah, I miss the stars, I miss the nature.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I because it it grounded me and it reminded me that as much stuff is up in my head, it's really we're really this, we're this really small spec in space, and like our problems don't really matter.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's something like very cathartic about that, and just thinking, like, stop boring so much, just live your freaking life, dude.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take your chances and NGNG, right?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: So no guts, no glory, right?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_03: So that's why I'm such a geek for this book that Clay and I wrote together what nature teaches us, not as some book plug, but genuinely the walks that we took for a year and four months in writing this, right?
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: What started out is me saying, like, hey buddy, what do you think the sun is trying to teach us about how to be better people?
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_03: What is it?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: And it's wow, it warms everything, it doesn't choose what to shine its light on.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_03: Exactly.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_03: Do we do that in life?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's like you deserve my light, but you don't.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_03: You deserve my warrants, but you don't.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like humans are just creating this disconnection and this dis-ease in the world, but the sun doesn't model that.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: Or you think about a river.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: I loved our river walks, and it's like, yeah, the river sometimes slow and winding, sometimes it's really fast and gushing.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: Think about our experience of time.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes we can barely keep up.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_03: But what's interesting about the river is it is constantly moving over obstacles.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_03: It's over this boulder and then this tree fell down.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_03: And now I've got to redirect over here.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_03: But yet it always trusts that it's gonna find the ocean.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_03: It just keeps flowing forward.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_03: It's not looking backward, obsessed with the past and keeping score.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_03: It's just moving forward.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_03: And so honestly, I found great comfort in those conversations.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_03: And I hope every parent takes that away of you don't have to have all of the answers.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_03: You don't have to be the know it all, but you do need to ask better questions and get in a conversation with your children and use that as a time to deepen your bond with them.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: And then you will feel more confident and validated because you're a part of a solution.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_03: You're helping them navigate this big scary world.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_03: And oh, by the way, if we have conversations about what nature is teaching us, that the cloud can carry heavy things and still move forward.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_03: I will never look at clouds the same way ever again, Ryan.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh, if the cloud can do it, I can do it too.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_03: It's every day I'm drawing that wisdom to just get through the day.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so great.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And can you tell us a little bit more about your experience working with your nine, is it nine-year-old kid?
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: In writing that book that had to be like super just so full as a parent.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_03: So when Clay was born, his very first word in life was light.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when I knew that this kid was destined for a big life of love and impact.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_03: And that was really the time, right?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: When I was like, I gotta grow up myself.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_03: What else do I need to do to be a better person so I can shepherd him forward?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_03: And that kind of kicked off a lot of the psychology learning that I did.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_03: And when Clay was six, he runs downstairs.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: I'm making pancakes and I'm a single mom.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm in the kitchen and he goes, Mom, I want to write a book.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_03: And I in that moment, I'm like, I have launched books, but I don't know anything about writing books, especially children's books.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't know anything.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_03: And it would have been so easy to be like, sure, buddy, let's build a farm on Mars while we're at it.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: But I listened.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_03: And that summer we went out on walks, and I'm like, I don't know what the heck I'm doing.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_03: So I just started asking questions.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: What would you want to teach people?
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: And who do you imagine reading the book?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_03: And we need to have obstacles.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_03: What would be our challenge that we're gonna go through?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_03: And should there be animals or aliens or people?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: And all of a sudden, this book was formed.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_03: And he says, I want to get out 10,000 copies in the first year, which like anybody in the author world would be laughing because the average author only sells about 250 copies in the life of the book.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_03: But my child wants to do 10,000 the first year.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_03: So I just had to get creative.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_03: We ended up doing a community fundraiser that raised enough money to buy 10,000 copies, and then we gave them away to children's hospitals and boys and girls clubs, zero profit.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_03: And that was just our heart of impact.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_03: And when Clay was eight, he goes, Mom, I want to do it again, but bigger.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, Oh my gosh.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when we went out on the trail.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_03: And I said, What do you think the trees are trying to model for us that teaches us how to be better people?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_03: And then this book, it started as a children's book, but now it's more of a gifting book where it's these 15 nature elements, and literally it looks like poetry lines and just the wisdom that we got from each of the elements, like the rainbow.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_03: One color does not get brighter by darkening another.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's an example of a line in this book.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_03: And it was the most meaningful gift of my life to answer your question briefly.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: I got to experience Clay in a way that nobody else will ever be able to experience him in that way.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_03: And when you read the book and you feel the energy behind this book, like people hold this.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_03: I was able to send out some advanced copies.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: I would be so happy to mail you one as soon as we're done here.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_03: But they just like adjust, they feel better when they hold it.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_03: And it changes the way that they're viewing this messed up world.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_03: And so what a gift to have been a part of that.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_03: And it's not my business if it hits the New York Times or if we sell a million copies or two copies.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_03: We've done our part and now we get it out to the world.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_03: And it's up to the world to decide the meaning and importance of this.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_03: But for us, it was absolutely everything.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can't I love working on projects with my daughter.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: She's five, and so she has her own YouTube.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's actually how I scot into the YouTube game was I was running her channel, which by the way still has more views than mine does.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: But she started at three.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's funny.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a proud moment, but it's also, damn, really?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can't even up my game to match her.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: But anyways, whatever where I was going with this is that's that was like our passion project.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I love doing it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It was like one of those things.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: We might get two views, we might get 200,000.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Who knows?
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: No, nobody knows, not in the YouTube world.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I super obsess about analytics too on my channel.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I just find myself like, oh my God, these videos are not doing well.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong?
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: And then I go into the whole thing.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: But I think what you said is just so freeing.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: Get it out there, do the best you can, let the world decide.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And honestly, that takes a lot of pressure off yourself.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was at uh at times like this year, I was waking up in the middle of the night, like looking at the analytics, and oh no, why isn't this going?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: And this and that, and oh, I gotta push this and I gotta do better this, and and just picking myself apart.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like there's a lot of freeing, uh like opening up and alleviating that stress, like what you just said, taking off that pressure of yourself and really just doing your best, letting the universe decide how it goes, and then moving on.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because honestly, you can't control what you can't control.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_03: And what we can control is how kind we are to ourselves or not.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_03: Clay's of an age where he will start to get really upset at himself.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_03: Like, oh, I didn't get the math answer or whatever.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_03: And he'll just be like, Oh, I'm the worst.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, hey, I literally, that's the only that's as much as I raise my voice.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, hey, be nice to my clay.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_03: And he looks at me like, so now I do that with adults, right?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I'll be like, hey, Ryan, be nice to my Ryan.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_03: And all of a sudden they giggle a little bit.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_03: And it's wait a minute, what are we doing?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: What are we doing?
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_03: Destroying ourselves.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_03: Like, how does that solve anything?
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_03: And if we can just recognize that literally, even the creators, I love it that there's more authenticity coming out now.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_03: There was this beautiful video this guy did.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_03: It took off, got five million views.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: And then a few days later, he had this video where he was just really emotional and he's the pressure to do more videos that go viral so I can keep up with the algorithms and this and that.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, I can't do it.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_03: And you know what?
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not gonna do it.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna post when I feel creative enough to post, and that's gonna have to be enough.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_03: Because I look around and I recognize in the last few days, I didn't do my dishes and I didn't exercise and I didn't journal.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_03: And you know what?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_03: That is not okay.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_03: So I hope that you'll follow me.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_03: And if you don't, that's okay too.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm gonna post when it feels right for me to post.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm like, yeah, we need more of that right now because the the pressure is what everybody is feeling, and nobody is admitting it out loud.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_03: It's ridiculous.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, that is so true.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like you said, the laundry is piling up, the dishes are piling up.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's my life.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like whenever I focus too much on the growing the channel or this or that, there's other areas of my life that's just I'm dropping the ball in those areas.
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like this delicate balance of yeah, like how do you keep everything in tow?
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for you as a founder, like, how do you deal with all having to do everything that you have to do with without obsessing over the email funnels, the book sales, algorithm yourself, but and also raising it.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Nine-year-old boy by yourself, right?
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you juggle all that?
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, honestly.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_03: I try to simplify what I mean is let's take the business for a moment.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_03: I could focus on ads and funnels and tripwires and stuff, but I don't.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_03: And I never have in nearly 20 years.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_03: And yet we've been a very successful marketing agency.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_03: How can that be?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_03: Well, it's because I simplified.
• 22:24
  SPEAKER_03: I decided to focus on human connection.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_03: And whomever is in front of me gets my 100% undivided attention.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_03: They get all of my love, all of my light.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_03: They get all of the best strategy that I can offer.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_03: Anything I can do to help that person is what I'm going to do.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_03: That is much simpler for me anyway than figuring out the next algorithm change and what this metric means.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I got to create another lead magnet and reinvent again and then reposition it and then redo my tech stack.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have to do any of that.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_03: I just have to love on people.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: I can do that.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_03: That's simple, right?
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_03: And then I would say, in terms of the rest of my life, because yeah, it's real.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_03: There's the single mom piece, and I'm really present with Clay.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: When he comes into the car, a car line, I'm not on the cut phone dealing with clients or anything.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: Everybody knows that's my clay time.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_03: And if you don't like it, then we're not going to work together because my son will be first.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: I get these few precious years with him, and I'm going to make the absolute most out of them.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_03: So when I go home, I cook meals and we play pickleball or ping pong or pool or we're outside in the backyard doing soccer.
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_03: I'm helping him with his homework.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_03: We're reading books.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_03: A lot of the things that I've seen you talk about in your platform.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_03: These are really important pieces to parenting.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_03: And therefore, because I'm taking so much time there, it does put a squeeze into some of the other things, like errands.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_03: I don't have time for errands anymore.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_03: So everything is door to look.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_03: Everything is delivered to me because I don't have time to go to the grocery store.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_03: It's not a good use of my time to go to the grocery store anymore.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_03: So yeah, does some of my produce come in rotted?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: Don't care.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_03: At least I saved an hour of probably getting sick and the frustration of the aisles and all the things.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_03: So I think you just re-prioritize and think, wait, if this is my one and only life as far as I know it, what actually matters?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_03: What makes me feel fed and whole and happy?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: Now, for me, it was the connection with my son or taking time out in nature or that undivided attention with the people I'm in front of.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_03: That pretty much sums up my life.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_03: For other people, it would be other things.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_03: And that's great.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_03: Do you right?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_03: But I think asking those questions, because otherwise, so much of our life is like all the things that we think we should be doing.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_03: And really, we're wasting so much time because we're up here thinking about things on this loop.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_03: And it's just not productive.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_03: So we have to stop the pattern and figure out what is productive to do instead.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's so good.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's like this is all good to hear.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_00: Cause sometimes I get so stuck in my own head.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I don't have the level of success or anything like juggling what you are juggling.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes in my own little world, having a two-year-old and a five-year-old that's on the spectrum, it feels overwhelming.
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_00: And then also just trying to build YouTube channels, find employment, be a good husband, be a good dad.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like all this setting up.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_03: Can we just name that?
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_03: Who would not be overwhelmed with what you just said?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_03: I would be overwhelmed.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_00: I just really admire the people that can kind of keep it all together and are organized and buttoned up.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: And again, from the outside, that might be a different perception than maybe how you feel sometimes.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: But it's just like I feel disorganized.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm never gonna like amount to anything sometimes because it's like I put all this effort in and I don't really see anything like come out of it.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it's like going to the gym for the month, and you're like, you work really hard and you're like, oh, I'm gonna have like a six-pack and all this and that, but it doesn't happen in a month, right?
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: It happens over a sustainable amount of time.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, and it's like you, I guess people give up before they really achieve those results.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like that's been my life in a nutshell.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's like usually it's once you have that friction, once you don't see the results, you're kind of like back it up.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, maybe this isn't for me.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how did you get through those moments in your life when you maybe in the beginning when your struggles and things like that?
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not to say you don't you still have those daily struggles, but before you made it to where you are now and you have all those books and all your clients and all the stuff about personal branding and marketing, like, how did you break through those walls?
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_03: It's a combination of some things we spoke about, like no one's gonna save me.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_03: But if literally no one is gonna save me, then what am I doing sitting here crying over spilled milk?
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta go clean it up.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_03: I gotta go do something about it.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_03: I have to be active because what I think is worse than the moment of suffering now, what's worse than that to me is when I'm 80, looking back on my life, like blew it, blew it, never picked up the milk, never cleaned it up, never poured myself another glass.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_03: What the heck, Amber?
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_03: What the heck?
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_03: I don't want my future self to be really mad at me and disappointed at me.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_03: So that's part of it too.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_03: A question that I ask myself all the time, and I literally mean probably every day, all day long, is who would I be proud to be?
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_03: Yesterday I was having a really horrible, horrible day.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_03: The kind of day where you're just like, zit, I'm done.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_03: Here, I quit.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_03: And there were so many things that happened in such a short period of time to get me to that point.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_03: It would have to take a lot because I built up a pretty strong resilience.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_03: But man, it just the stars were aligned and Amber was upset yesterday.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_03: And I cried.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_03: And I told myself, I'm going to cancel my meetings and I'm going to take care of me today.
• 27:54
  SPEAKER_03: So that's another thing that is really important to do is know your limits if you need to take a day.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_03: Another thing that I do is I get help.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: I do.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_03: I have three coaches that I see every single week, most of the time, like almost every single week.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_03: And those three coaches are here to help me with my mind.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_03: Another one helps me with my heart, and the other one helps me with my spirit.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_03: And it's every single week.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_03: Now, why would I make that kind of investment?
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_03: Because I know I need it given the amount of pressure that I decided to walk into with this book launch.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_03: I there was no way I was going to handle it with all of my other responsibility and pressures if I didn't get the help.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_03: And then if I didn't take the time when I needed it, if I didn't think about who I would be proud to be.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_03: So in a moment, it's yeah, I'm pissed off today or I'm sad today.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_03: And it's like, who would I be proud to be?
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_03: Pissed off and sad.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_03: I wouldn't be throwing a temper tantrum and making everybody else around me miserable and ruining everybody else's day.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_03: I would take a minute and recalibrate myself and rethink about my some of my choices and I would make a plan and then I would be in front of people so that I'm not spewing negativity in the world.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_03: There's enough people doing that.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_03: So there is this, it comes back to no one's gonna save me, which means I have to take 100% accountability and responsibility for my life.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_03: If I am not getting the results that I need in a certain area, then what help do I need?
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_03: What do I need to say out loud?
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_03: How do I need to treat myself differently?
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_03: How can I be spending time on YouTube building skills that are more valuable?
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_03: How can I leverage my network in a different way?
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_03: What do I need to do to get out of this mess that I'm in over the spilled milk?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_03: And that's something that we each have to come to terms with ourselves.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_03: And again, I think it's everybody all the time right now, right?
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_03: I think it's everywhere this is happening.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, I love that vulnerability of just opening up the curtain and letting us see what's behind there a little bit and being real.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm an open authentic because I yeah, no, that's it's because like social media people that are just like everything seems perfect from the outside again, and you're just like, wow, I wish that was me.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like that a lot too.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like, so it really it's reassuring to know the struggle is real across the board, and it's not just me.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: And like no, it's not so it's it's super helpful to know that and like almost have like a supportive network of like people.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_01: You're almost like Gary V.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, like I appreciate like just the way you talk, and I could see how like you make a huge impact on the lives that you work with in your your business and everything that you do, and that's super awesome.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 30:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can you tell our audience more about your offerings and like how they can reach out to you and find you on the internet and stay stay posted on all the new projects that are coming up in in your life, Amber?
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm the only Amber Vilhauer in the world.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_03: Dear best guess on spelling it, or NGNG Enterprises, that's pretty easy.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_03: And we rank really high for NGNG.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_03: But I'm split focused right now, which is weird.
• 31:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I've got the NGNG world, which is where I'm a strategist.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: Use my brain to figure out the fastest way to get wherever you want to go and leverage what you have to get there really well and safely.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_03: So if somebody's trying to grow revenue or their following or their impact or whatever, I invite people to take advantage of my brain.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_03: And that's at NGNG.
• 31:20
  SPEAKER_03: But on the other side of things, and what I'm out here promoting right now is my son's book, What Nature Teaches Us.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_03: And he has this movement he wanted to start called Choose the Light, which is about leaving people and places better than when you found them, right?
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_03: So it could be like picking up trash, or it can be a smile and some stranger's day that actually turns their whole day around, or genuinely listening, not trying to steal the microphone, but like really being present where somebody's at.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_03: These are all ways that you can choose the light.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_03: And the website is gorgeous.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_03: You got to check it out, if nothing else, just to see what it's like.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_03: But it's at choose the light.com.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_03: And there's a course that teaches families the process of writing a children's book.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_03: So I would be so happy to gift you a copy for your five-year-old.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe that's a project you two can work on together in addition to the YouTube show.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_03: But that's those are some things about me.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_03: You can find me all over the place.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I love the yeah, I love the the watercolor.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_03: That's so pretty.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then the website.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's so cool.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_03: So we have a tour that we're doing.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_03: We're going to New York City and Texas and Denver.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_03: We have we're in Phoenix.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry I didn't know you sooner.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_03: That's a bummer.
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_03: And we're just trying to spread our light the best we can.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_03: We feel it too.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_03: The world's in a tough space, but it takes people.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's so cool.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then the book.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: I see the interactive book there.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_02: I'll have to, yeah, no.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_02: And yeah, no, this is super cool.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_03: It's great for kids.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_03: Anybody asking a big life question, one simple line that will just strike you right between the eyes, and you will feel so comforted.
• 33:05
  SPEAKER_03: And honestly, this came through us on these talks.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's such an honor for us to have channeled sort of this message, but it's hard to take credit for it.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_03: We're not trying to get our names out there.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_03: We want the movement out there.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_03: We want the book out there.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_03: We want people donating books to coffee tables or waiting rooms and hospitals.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_03: That's and it comes at a big price to other things that I could be doing for sure in my career.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_03: But this is one way that I can.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's so awesome.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's very cool.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, my my daughter would be on board with that, spreading the word and getting it out there.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, this program will help with that.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: What's his goal?
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: You said 10,000.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is it yeah?
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_03: All he wants is to give away 10,000 copies.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_03: So any money that we generate through Amazon book sales, for example, like if somebody is inspired to go pre-order the book, the money that we get for that goes right into buying books.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_03: So this is a zero profit campaign that we are doing.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_03: And anybody that buys a copy of his course, that goes into his college fund.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_03: Books are his goal is to give away 10,000 copies.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_03: And we have a big silent auction happening on October 13th, where leaders and entrepreneurs are giving away their courses, retreats, coaching, you name it, at a huge discount.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_03: And the money that we raise from that silent auction on October 13th, it's a virtual global silent auction.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_03: So everybody can participate.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_03: And all of the money that we raise goes directly to buying books for kids and children's hospitals and shelters, like I said.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_03: I would really greatly appreciate any support so that we can make Clay's dream come true because he deserves it.