Latest / The Difficult Boss Podcast with Fexingo: Managing Up, Toxic Managers, and Workplace Survival / How to Handle a Boss Who Undermines Your Authority
Transcript
- Lucas: You're in a meeting with your team. You've just laid out a clear plan. Your boss nods, pauses, then says, 'Actually, let's consider this other approach instead.' In front of everyone. Your plan evaporates. Your team looks confused. And you're left wondering: did that just happen? Luna: That's one of those moments where you feel the ground shift under your feet. And the worst part is, you can't react in the moment without looking defensive. Lucas: Exactly. And it's more common than you'd think. A 2023 survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that nearly 30 percent of employees reported having a boss who regularly undermined their authority. So it's not rare—it's a pattern. Luna: Thirty percent is huge. That's almost one in three. And I'd bet the real number is higher because people don't always recognize it when it's subtle. Lucas: Right. Today we're drilling into a specific case. A mid-level marketing manager at a consumer packaged goods company—let's call her Sarah. She'd been in her role for about eighteen months, and her boss, the VP of marketing, would regularly countermand her decisions in team meetings. Not just suggestions—decisions. Things like campaign timelines, budget allocations, vendor choices. Luna: So Sarah would put in the work, get alignment from stakeholders, present to her team, and then the VP would come in and say, 'No, we're doing it this way.' That's brutal. Lucas: It is. And the effect on her team was predictable. They started coming to her less with questions and more with, 'Has the VP signed off on this?' Her authority eroded slowly but surely. She felt like a figurehead. Luna: I've seen that dynamic before. It's a slow bleed. And the boss might not even realize they're doing it—or they might be doing it intentionally to maintain control. Lucas: That's the key question: intent. In Sarah's case, we looked at the context. Her VP was under pressure from above—the company was facing a revenue shortfall, and he was micromanaging everything. So his undermining wasn't personal; it was anxiety-driven. But that doesn't make it any less damaging. Luna: Right. So what did Sarah do? Because just knowing the why doesn't fix the problem. Lucas: She tried a few things. First, she scheduled a private one-on-one with the VP. Not to confront him, but to understand his priorities. She framed it as, 'I want to make sure my team's work aligns with your expectations. Can you help me understand where you see gaps?' That opened a conversation. Luna: That's smart. Instead of saying 'you undermine me,' she invited him to be a coach. It lowers the defense. Lucas: Exactly. And it worked—partially. The VP admitted he was worried about the revenue targets and wanted more say in big decisions. So they agreed on a pre-check process: before any major decision hit the team meeting, Sarah would run it by him informally. That way, his input was incorporated before the public announcement. Luna: So she gave him a private channel to exert influence. That's a classic managing-up move—don't let the boss be surprised in front of others. Lucas: Right. But here's the catch: the VP didn't always stick to the agreement. Sometimes he'd still override her in the meeting. So Sarah had to develop a second tactic—a real-time response. Luna: Okay, this is what I need to hear. What do you say in the moment without making it awkward? Lucas: She used what I call the 'one-question technique.' When the VP said, 'Actually, let's try X,' she'd pause, then ask, 'Interesting. Can you help me understand what concern that addresses that our current plan doesn't?' Luna: That's good. It puts the burden on him to explain his reasoning, and it signals to the team that she's not being steamrolled—she's engaging. Lucas: Exactly. And it often forced the VP to reveal that he didn't have a concrete reason—he was just reacting. Sometimes he'd backtrack. Other times he'd have a valid point, and Sarah could say, 'Great, let's incorporate that and revise.' That way, she maintained ownership of the decision. Luna: So it's not about winning the argument; it's about keeping the authority to adjust the plan yourself. Lucas: Right. And over time, the team noticed. They saw Sarah asking thoughtful questions, not just accepting the VP's override. Her credibility started coming back. But it wasn't a quick fix—it took about three months of consistent application. Luna: Three months is a long time to be in that pressure cooker. What about the cases where the boss is deliberately undermining you—like, they want to make you look bad? Lucas: That's a different animal. If the behavior is malicious, the one-question technique might not be enough. You need to document everything—dates, what was said, who was present. And then you need to have a more direct conversation. Something like, 'I've noticed that when I present a plan, you often redirect in front of the team. That creates confusion about who's leading. Can we find a way to handle disagreements privately?' Luna: That's a tough conversation. It's basically calling out the behavior without accusing. But if you have a pattern documented, it's harder for them to dismiss. Lucas: Right. And if that doesn't work, you may need to escalate to HR. But HR is not a magic bullet. They'll look for a pattern, not a single incident. So documentation is key. Luna: I think many people wait too long to document. They think it's a one-off, and then it becomes a habit. By the time they realize it's a pattern, they've lost a lot of ground. Lucas: Absolutely. So rule of thumb: the second time it happens, start a log. Because the third time, you'll need it. Luna: That's a good rule. And I want to go back to something you said earlier—about how the boss might not realize they're doing it. I think that's more common than we think. Especially with managers who are used to being the expert in the room. Lucas: Yeah. And that's where the pre-check process we mentioned is so valuable. It gives the boss a sense of control without public disruption. But it only works if the boss is willing to stick to the agreement. If they keep undermining you, you have to escalate. Luna: Let's talk about that escalation. What does a good HR conversation look like? Lucas: You go in with the facts, not emotions. Say, 'I'm experiencing a pattern where my decisions are being countermanded in team meetings, which undermines my ability to lead my team. I've tried addressing it privately with my boss, but it continues. Here are three examples with dates and witnesses.' Then ask for a facilitated conversation or mediation. Luna: And you avoid words like 'bullying' or 'toxic' unless you have a mountain of evidence. Focus on the business impact. Lucas: Right. Because HR's job is to reduce liability and keep productivity up. So frame it as a productivity problem. It is. When the team is confused about who's in charge, they slow down. Luna: That's a smart framing. Okay, so we've covered the pre-check, the one-question technique, documentation, and escalation. Is there anything else that worked for Sarah? Lucas: One more thing: she started sending a brief meeting summary after every team meeting, copying the VP and the team. It said, 'Here are the decisions made, and the next steps.' That created a written record of who decided what. It subtly reinforced her authority because the decisions were attributed to her. Luna: That's a great paper trail. And it also makes it harder for the VP to later claim something else was decided. Lucas: Exactly. In the end, Sarah's situation improved. The VP's pressure from above eased after a quarter, and he backed off. But she told me that even if it hadn't, she felt more in control because she had a playbook. Luna: That's the takeaway: you can't always change your boss, but you can change how you respond. Having a playbook makes all the difference. Lucas: If today was actually useful to you, the way these episodes stay ad-free is listener support. You can buy me a coffee at buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's a simple way to keep this resource available to anyone who needs it. Luna: Yeah, it genuinely helps us keep the show independent and focused on what matters—no sponsors, no ads. Lucas: So back to that playbook idea. One thing I'd add is that you should also build alliances with peers and stakeholders outside your boss's direct influence. If you have a reputation for competence with other senior leaders, it's harder for your boss to undermine you without consequence. Luna: That's a longer-term strategy, but it's smart. It's like creating a network of credibility that serves as a counterweight. Lucas: Exactly. And it doesn't have to be political. Just do good work and make sure others see it. Volunteer for cross-functional projects, present at company meetings, build relationships outside your chain of command. Luna: So the key is: don't get isolated. The more people see your value, the harder it is for one person to diminish it. Lucas: Exactly. That's the broader lesson. Undermining thrives in isolation. Break that isolation, and you take away its power.