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Transcript

Pain Shopping: Why You Can't Stop Checking the Narcissist's Social Media · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:01
  So you told yourself you were done.
• 0:04
  You promised your family and friends that you're not going to
• 0:07
  reach out to them again like you promised them.
• 0:10
  You said that you told them the words.
• 0:12
  But guess what? Here you are, 2:30 in the
• 0:15
  morning, looking at their social media from a burner account,
• 0:19
  peeking at their Instagram from a burner account.
• 0:21
  You're not healing, you're pain shopping and as a diagnosed
• 0:26
  narcissist, I'm going to give you the straight truth right
• 0:28
  here. Y'all.
• 0:29
  One of the most dangerous things that you can do as a survivor or
• 0:32
  a thriver that's trying to heal from a narcissist.
• 0:34
  One of the worst things you can do in the healing process is to
• 0:37
  keep looking at their social media.
• 0:40
  It brings you no peace. Like you think you might think
• 0:43
  that you're gathering evidence, but what you're actually doing
• 0:46
  is re traumatizing yourself. You're making you're doing this
• 0:49
  to yourself again, you're hurting yourself.
• 0:51
  You're going pain shopping, looking for something that's
• 0:54
  going to hurt you. We breaking it down today.
• 0:57
  Y'all We break it down while your brain is addicted to the
• 1:01
  hurt and while how we use how us as narcissists use our social
• 1:05
  media to keep you trapped in this pain shopping mode to keep
• 1:09
  you coming back to the pain store to pain Walmart, right?
• 1:14
  And what's going on beautiful people.
• 1:16
  If you don't know me, I'm Lee Hammock.
• 1:17
  I'm a diagnosed narcissist here to help you understand the mind
• 1:20
  of a narcissist. And welcome to another episode
• 1:23
  of the Narcissist Code. Y'all seriously man, let's pop
• 1:26
  right into it man. Pain shopping, looking at their
• 1:30
  stuff, looking at the social media for what?
• 1:33
  Why answer something question right here y'all?
• 1:36
  Why did you do it? I thought you type it in the
• 1:38
  comment section right now. Why are you pain shopping?
• 1:41
  Why are you peeking at their social media?
• 1:43
  Go you back. OK, cool, cool, cool.
• 1:49
  Most people are doing it because the relationship ended without
• 1:52
  closure, right? It didn't end how you thought it
• 1:55
  would end. Like you have hoes in the story,
• 1:58
  your story, their story, and you think that their Facebook, their
• 2:01
  Instagram, their TikTok, their Snapchat, their Reddit, their
• 2:04
  LinkedIn, their Zoosk, their whatever social media.
• 2:09
  You think that social media will provide you some answers, that
• 2:12
  it will help you find the find the final missing puzzle piece,
• 2:16
  but that's not how it goes y'all.
• 2:20
  Typically when people are going paint shopping, they're looking
• 2:23
  for one or two things. The first thing they're looking
• 2:26
  for is proof that the person that left you or hurt you is
• 2:30
  miserable. And and by by by, by looking for
• 2:36
  that, what you're really looking for is the fact that you matter.
• 2:40
  Everybody wants to matter. Let's get that out the way right
• 2:42
  now. Everybody wants to matter.
• 2:46
  Everybody wants to know that they mattered, right?
• 2:49
  You don't want this person to get away and just move on and
• 2:52
  just forget about you like you were nothing.
• 2:54
  You want to mean something to someone and that's OK.
• 2:57
  You're a human being. Why wouldn't you want to mean
• 3:00
  something to someone? Why wouldn't you want to do
• 3:02
  that? You're a human.
• 3:05
  You of course you want to mean something to someone.
• 3:07
  Why wouldn't you? You see what I'm saying?
• 3:09
  That's understandable. The second thing that people are
• 3:12
  typically typically looking for on their social media when
• 3:15
  they're going paint shopping is you looking for proof that they
• 3:18
  are happy. Like to validate your fear that
• 3:22
  you were the problem. That's crazy, ain't it?
• 3:25
  You looking for proof that they were happy to validate your own
• 3:28
  fear that you were their problem.
• 3:30
  Their happiness does not mean that you were the problem they
• 3:35
  bought. Yeah, it's it really is.
• 3:37
  Their happiness does not mean that you're the problem.
• 3:40
  I want you to say that to yourself right now or type it in
• 3:43
  the comment section. Drop it.
• 3:44
  Drop an emoji in the comment section.
• 3:46
  The little praying hands that you would type the word Amen, AM
• 3:49
  EN and the praying hands will come up.
• 3:51
  Drop it in the conversation right now.
• 3:53
  Drop it in the conversation because their happiness is not
• 3:56
  does not mean that you are the problem.
• 3:59
  Yeah, you got to think about it all if it would me in this
• 4:03
  situation, as as most narcissists do, we live our
• 4:07
  lives on social media like our exes are watching we do.
• 4:13
  So if you find out that if you looking like no matter what were
• 4:18
  you looking at their social media, you lose.
• 4:21
  If they look sad, you end up wanting to rescue them.
• 4:25
  If they're unhappy, you want to help them heal.
• 4:27
  You want to make them feel better because you care.
• 4:29
  You haven't stopped carrying you an empath, right?
• 4:31
  You're highly empathetic person. You care you you love them.
• 4:35
  You might not look, your feelings are have not been
• 4:37
  turned off, right? Your feelings have not been
• 4:39
  turned off. There's not a little light
• 4:40
  switch you can turn your feelings off with, right?
• 4:42
  You have to think about like that.
• 4:44
  If they're sad, you want to rescue them.
• 4:46
  If they're happy, you feel worthless, that's wow.
• 4:50
  You're shopping for a feeling, but you're buy what you're
• 4:53
  buying is more time in the trauma bond buyer buyer.
• 5:04
  That's true. That's real.
• 5:05
  Well, Tim, it ain't real though. You're shopping.
• 5:07
  Look, you're buying if you're going shopping for y'all.
• 5:10
  I tell you this all the time. Y'all real.
• 5:12
  Realistically, it's all lies. Social media, the narcissistic
• 5:19
  type of the toxic stuff that's going on, it's all lies.
• 5:23
  It's curated, y'all. I live my life like you're
• 5:26
  watching. Even if you're not, even if you
• 5:29
  look. This is what I'm telling myself
• 5:30
  in the head, in my head, in my, in the mind of a narcissist.
• 5:33
  I'm telling myself that I was the best you're ever going to
• 5:35
  get. I'm telling myself that you're
• 5:38
  watching my social media. So guess what?
• 5:39
  I'm going to put on a show. I'm going to put on a happy show
• 5:44
  or sad show, depending on who you are.
• 5:46
  It's not always faking happiness.
• 5:48
  I could fake sadness, too, to get you to reach out.
• 5:51
  Oh, my goodness. I never thought this pain was.
• 5:53
  I never thought I'd feel a pain like this before.
• 5:55
  Guess what? Ring.
• 5:56
  Ring. It's you.
• 5:57
  I'm out here smiling. That's a crazy space with it.
• 6:04
  But that's what. Yeah, that really.
• 6:06
  It really is how the mind LA narcissistic person works right
• 6:10
  there. You have to think about it, take
• 6:12
  it in stride like the the the narcissist social media.
• 6:17
  I'm going to use a word there's I'm going to use a word that's
• 6:20
  big in today's society, propaganda, because that's what
• 6:23
  the narcissist social media is. It's propaganda.
• 6:26
  It's narcissistic propaganda. If I post a photo with a New
• 6:30
  Girl or I post a photo with a new boy or whatever, I'm the
• 6:33
  narcissist, right? Within two weeks after we broke
• 6:36
  up is not because I'm in love. I think you're watching me.
• 6:41
  I'm using this new person to hurt you.
• 6:43
  So guess what? You did matter.
• 6:45
  It's crazy, but you did matter. You matter so much.
• 6:48
  I got to post my new love. Take that for what it is.
• 6:52
  Block them after that. Y'all know there's so many
• 6:56
  people this is this got a crazy. This used to be one of my main
• 7:00
  topics in my my support group, the mental healers, right?
• 7:04
  One of my main topics was literally paint shopping because
• 7:08
  we had some some people there who just like I look today and
• 7:11
  I'm hurt. I look today I'm hurt.
• 7:13
  I'm sad. I'm like, you got to stop
• 7:15
  looking. You have to find a reason this
• 7:18
  validates you outside this relationship to stop looking.
• 7:21
  You mattered right? You did, so that's what you're
• 7:24
  saying. Like they know how to trigger
• 7:26
  you. A narcissist knows what sets you
• 7:27
  off. They study you, right?
• 7:28
  They know everything about you. So it's not just pictures and
• 7:31
  videos. Sometimes they'll make sub
• 7:33
  tweets they'll use like subtle, they'll they'll kind of back.
• 7:37
  It's kind of like a backhanded thing to get you right.
• 7:40
  They'll drop subtle compliments or subtle videos or subtle posts
• 7:43
  or subtle memes, subtle song lyrics, and you know that
• 7:47
  they're targeted towards you, right?
• 7:49
  Stuff that only you would understand.
• 7:51
  It's like dog whistling, but on social media.
• 7:54
  It's like things that I know you're looking for.
• 7:56
  If I'm assuming that you're watching me, I'm thinking that
• 7:58
  you're going to see this. So I'm trying to set you off.
• 8:01
  I really AM. And guess what?
• 8:03
  That keeps you hooked. That keeps you in this zone
• 8:07
  right here, right? That keeps you in the zone
• 8:10
  because think about right here. Y'all how to say this sounded
• 8:15
  crazy in the in our actuality, you know, please, y'all, y'all
• 8:20
  know y'all know I carry y'all know I love y'all.
• 8:21
  I'm not trying to hurt your feelings right here, but paint
• 8:24
  shopping could be considered a form of digital self harm,
• 8:27
  right? It really could be because
• 8:30
  checking that page, checking that, checking that TikTok,
• 8:34
  their Instagram, their Twitter, whatever it is, checking that
• 8:36
  page gives you a massive spike of adrenaline and cortisol,
• 8:40
  right? It spikes your adrenaline and
• 8:42
  cortisol because it's stress. You feel something and you get
• 8:45
  stressed. Your brain has become addicted
• 8:47
  to the high stress rush of the narcissist.
• 8:50
  So looking over there gives you something.
• 8:52
  You get a hit of something, you get to feel something you
• 8:54
  wouldn't. Let's just say you, I understand
• 8:56
  paint shopping y'all. Let's say I used to paint shop
• 8:58
  with my ex. My ex narcissistic woman broke
• 9:00
  over me. Guess what?
• 9:01
  I used to paint shop like hell. I've been looking for something.
• 9:05
  I usually I I was addicted to looking.
• 9:07
  It's kind of like I wanted to hurt myself sometimes, right?
• 9:09
  It's just like I want to feel something I'm hurt, I'm lost, I
• 9:13
  don't feel anything. I'm in a I'm in a dark place.
• 9:16
  I need to feel something. So sometimes I will go look at
• 9:19
  her social media because I knew something was going to hurt me
• 9:21
  and that made me feel alive. Could that be what's going on
• 9:24
  with you right here? Could this be something that
• 9:26
  you're facing that you're fighting right now?
• 9:28
  Could you could you be feeling alive?
• 9:30
  You know what I'm saying? That's the mentality right
• 9:32
  there. Y'all that really is.
• 9:35
  So paint shopping is a form of digital, digital self harm.
• 9:37
  And like even sometimes even if it hurts, it feels familiar.
• 9:42
  Like peace feels boring to you right now because your nervous
• 9:45
  system is out of whack. It's your nervous system is
• 9:47
  fried. So peace feels boring.
• 9:50
  Silence is boring. When you get silent, you're in a
• 9:52
  dark room by yourself at night. You start hearing voices.
• 9:57
  Facebook, who said that? Instagram, what?
• 10:03
  Snapchat. Who said that?
• 10:07
  OK, I'm going to sleep TikTok. Oh my God.
• 10:11
  And then guess what you pull you pulling up TikTok.
• 10:15
  You see how that works right there?
• 10:17
  But it really is a wild bicep. But that's what ends up
• 10:20
  happening right there, y'all, You keep opening the wound over
• 10:23
  and over because in A twist away, the pain is the only thing
• 10:25
  keeping you connected to that narcissist sometimes.
• 10:28
  So it's time to disconnect. It really is.
• 10:30
  You have to close. You have to stop going shopping.
• 10:33
  It's time to retire the pain shopping cart.
• 10:36
  It really is. You have to stop being a
• 10:39
  customer to the narcissistic paying store.
• 10:41
  Narcissistic Walmart, narcissistic Dollar General
• 10:44
  Dollar narcissist. What do you want to call it?
• 10:46
  Narcissist general? Oh, there it is.
• 10:48
  No, it sucks. It sucks right there, don't it?
• 10:51
  Every time, every time you click that profile, you do reset your
• 10:57
  healing journey, right? I know that a lot of people
• 11:00
  think that you're no contact because you haven't talked to
• 11:02
  them, you haven't seen them, you haven't spoke to them in person,
• 11:04
  but looking at their social media is breaking no contact,
• 11:07
  Y'all, you got to stop looking. It really is because you're kind
• 11:09
  of like technically one of the people used in my group, she's
• 11:12
  healed and she left the group. That's cool, good for good for
• 11:14
  her, right? One of the people who left my
• 11:17
  group, she literally we used to accidentally accidentally like
• 11:21
  stuff and that would definitely bring no contact because then
• 11:24
  her ex would reach out to her and it was just the whole
• 11:26
  process over. And y'all want to see more about
• 11:28
  my group, my mental illness, my mental illness support group.
• 11:31
  You can find more about that at mentalillness.net.
• 11:33
  Y'all Scroll down courses, coaching and stuff like that.
• 11:37
  Like seriously, you have to determine like before you reach
• 11:41
  out to that narcissistic partner, you know, sidebar,
• 11:43
  y'all, you know, come on in here.
• 11:47
  Before you reach out to them or before you check their social
• 11:50
  media, you have to ask yourself, what am I looking for?
• 11:55
  What is it? What exactly am I looking at?
• 11:58
  What am I peeking at? Right?
• 11:59
  What, what, what, what's the goal here?
• 12:02
  Nothing you see on there is going to make you feel better.
• 12:05
  I promise you it won't. Like I said earlier, even if
• 12:09
  they're hurting, you might feel bad.
• 12:11
  Even if they're doing bad, you might feel sad.
• 12:13
  Even if they're going through it.
• 12:16
  People, my comments, people in my group, they used to say,
• 12:18
  well, I saw that profile picture and that profile picture looks
• 12:20
  sad. It makes me want to reach out.
• 12:22
  Just seeing their profile picture made them sad.
• 12:25
  You know what I'm saying? Going paint shopping.
• 12:26
  They didn't, they didn't even make to the profile.
• 12:28
  They said a profile picture in, in paint shops.
• 12:31
  You know what I'm saying? There's nothing on the social
• 12:34
  media that's going to make you feel good.
• 12:35
  You feel good from the inside out.
• 12:36
  You feel good by joining groups. You don't have to join my group,
• 12:39
  Join anybody's group. Lisa Sunny has a support group.
• 12:42
  Sinful has a support group, How to Love a Battered woman.
• 12:47
  Me and Renee has a support group.
• 12:49
  Everybody has support group. You don't have to join mine, I
• 12:50
  promise you. I want you to.
• 12:51
  I want you to heal, even if it's not with me.
• 12:54
  You know what I'm saying? I do.
• 12:55
  I truly, truly do. I want you to heal even if it's
• 12:58
  not with me. You can take one of my courses
• 13:00
  50% off Mental illness.net into the code.
• 13:03
  Mothers or Fathers get 50% off my courses and whatnot.
• 13:07
  Join the support group. Y'all Just ask yourself that
• 13:08
  question right there. What am I looking for?
• 13:10
  It. It can't be nothing.
• 13:12
  The answer cannot be nothing. You can't say nothing.
• 13:14
  I'm not looking for anything. But you are.
• 13:16
  You are. What are you getting from this?
• 13:18
  Nothing. You can't.
• 13:19
  You are or you wouldn't be looking.
• 13:21
  You know what I'm saying? Image, I've made it this far.
• 13:23
  Make sure you hit that subscribe button and I'm out please.