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The Smooth-talking Takeover of Tabor Bridge · Ridiculous History

0:10
Speaker 1: Ya, bon jour, ridiculous historians, and welcome to the show.
0:27
Speaker 1: We'd like to begin by giving a profound and sincere
0:31
Speaker 1: thank you to Napoleon Bonaparte, who has done so much
0:35
Speaker 1: for this program. Yeah, man, he you know, he taught
0:38
Speaker 1: us how to love again. He taught us that rabbits
0:42
Speaker 1: can be a threat. He taught us that a little
0:44
Speaker 1: bit of hut split goes a long way. Yeah. He
0:47
Speaker 1: taught us about the InHand beauty of a swan like
0:49
Speaker 1: neck and a luxurious ringlet filled main. Yeah, we're going
0:54
Speaker 1: to talk about one of Napoleon's officials who epitomized that.
0:59
Speaker 1: But first thing first, I'm Ben, I'm no, and we
1:03
Speaker 1: are joined with our super producer, Casey Pegram. Give it
1:09
Speaker 1: up for him, folks. I don't know why I sounded
1:10
Speaker 1: so downtrodden when I said that I was just trying
1:13
Speaker 1: something new, trying a new cadence, you know, I don't know.
1:15
Speaker 1: And sometimes we need to try new and unorthodox things
1:19
Speaker 1: when the traditional methods aren't quite working, or even when
1:23
Speaker 1: we need something new. Man, your mastery of the segue
1:26
Speaker 1: never ceases to amaze. Balls. Mean, that's very kind man,
1:30
Speaker 1: Thank you for saying so our story today takes place
1:33
Speaker 1: during the Napoleonic Wars. Oh boy, you know those Napoleonic Wars.
1:38
Speaker 1: It was that conflict that lasted from around eighteen oh
1:40
Speaker 1: three till eighteen fifteen, where Napoleon it was like Napoleon
1:44
Speaker 1: versus the world, or at least europe Um. But he
1:48
Speaker 1: had overthrown the during the revolution, the French Revolutionary government,
1:53
Speaker 1: and installed himself as Grand High conquering Emperor of France.
1:58
Speaker 1: And you know, he had designed on extending that title
2:01
Speaker 1: to as much of the world or the lands that
2:05
Speaker 1: he could get to as humanly possible. And whomever it
2:08
Speaker 1: was that gave us a shout out for calling it
2:10
Speaker 1: a mix tape of European powers Voltron NG together. You said,
2:15
Speaker 1: you said that we're a team. No, dude, I mean,
2:17
Speaker 1: I'm I'm glad to be part of your vultron, but
2:20
Speaker 1: you are clearly the head. Oh no, no, no, we're
2:22
Speaker 1: a team. And if we were, if we did have
2:24
Speaker 1: a hierarchy, I think we could both agree. Casey as
2:27
Speaker 1: the head I am no, no, no no, I am the
2:28
Speaker 1: left shoulder. Casey is like the torso or maybe the sword,
2:32
Speaker 1: and you, sir, are the head. The reason I like
2:34
Speaker 1: the comparison of Casey being the head, and I appreciate this.
2:38
Speaker 1: But the reason I like the idea of Casey being
2:40
Speaker 1: the head is because, folks, the podcast you were hearing
2:44
Speaker 1: now has been spun from straw into gold by a
2:49
Speaker 1: super producer. Oh. I think it's a it's a team
2:51
Speaker 1: effort there as well. We're all kind of spinning straw
2:53
Speaker 1: into gold. But Casey in particular works magic. He's a
2:57
Speaker 1: magic mouseman. Yes, there we go. I like that, and
3:01
Speaker 1: our story today is similar in terms of spinning straw
3:05
Speaker 1: into gold. It takes place on the thirteen of November
3:10
Speaker 1: in eighteen o five, so just a couple of years
3:13
Speaker 1: into this, uh, this massive conflict. Yeah, yeah, exactly, just
3:16
Speaker 1: a couple of years into this conflict that will continue
3:20
Speaker 1: until eighteen fifteen for ten more years. Right. There are
3:25
Speaker 1: two marshals in Napoleon's forces and they are battling Austrians
3:30
Speaker 1: near a town called Spits, which is located on the
3:33
Speaker 1: Danube River, Yeah, which is I believe near Vienna. And
3:36
Speaker 1: you said this was in Austria. So they were fighting
3:38
Speaker 1: the Austrian forces, who were no slouches. They were pretty
3:43
Speaker 1: intensely good at at at war and at defending their
3:46
Speaker 1: their territory. Right. So um, as you said, the French
3:49
Speaker 1: were being led by these two marshals. One of them
3:52
Speaker 1: was named Jean lay Casey, Jean lan Casey. On the case,
3:59
Speaker 1: I like geen Land, It's great. Who's the next guy?
4:01
Speaker 1: The next guy? I think I got this one? Now
4:03
Speaker 1: got this one? M Mura and QUACKI is it Joachim
4:09
Speaker 1: Joachim Joachim, Yeah, Joachim. I don't know Casey. I think
4:13
Speaker 1: in the in fringe it's yeah, Joachim, Joakim, Joachim Jack.
4:19
Speaker 1: I think they Yeah, that the j is a little
4:21
Speaker 1: more apparent. Kim Muratt double double case, double time, double
4:26
Speaker 1: time case right. And this dude, actually he was Joachim. Napoleon, Yes,
4:33
Speaker 1: dash Napoleon Murat. Isn't it funny that he got the
4:36
Speaker 1: guy's first name as a weird little sub name for
4:39
Speaker 1: marrying his sister Caroline. You think he would have gotten
4:42
Speaker 1: that Bonaparte hyphenate in there, but no, no, sir, he
4:45
Speaker 1: got a Napoleon in there. Now, let's talk a little
4:48
Speaker 1: bit about these guys before we get to their adventures. So,
4:51
Speaker 1: at first, it looks like they're not going to have
4:53
Speaker 1: a great day. Tensions are running high. Uh Joachim murat
4:57
Speaker 1: Or was born in seventeen sixty seven, and he became
5:04
Speaker 1: one of Napoleon's most celebrated marshals. As a matter of fact,
5:09
Speaker 1: after this day that we discussed in today's episode, he
5:12
Speaker 1: later becomes the King of Naples. He was the son
5:15
Speaker 1: of an innkeeper. Unlike Drake, he actually did start from
5:19
Speaker 1: the bottom. He studied briefly for a career in the church,
5:22
Speaker 1: but he enlisted in a cavalry regiment in seventeen eighty seven,
5:26
Speaker 1: and when war broke out in ninety two, he was
5:28
Speaker 1: rapidly promoted. And when Napoleon was trusted with suppressing a
5:34
Speaker 1: Royalist insurrection in seventeen nine, murat joined up, and Napoleon
5:40
Speaker 1: liked him so much, and specifically his contribution and bringing
5:44
Speaker 1: cannon to bear one of my place as an aide
5:47
Speaker 1: de camp to Bonaparte for the Italian campaign in seventeen
5:51
Speaker 1: ninety seven. So by the time eighteen o five rolls around,
5:55
Speaker 1: this guy is seasoned. And we don't want to judge
5:59
Speaker 1: people on appearances, but I think the three of us
6:03
Speaker 1: can agree this guy has some amazing portraits of himself
6:07
Speaker 1: well they all do. All of these French military dignitaries
6:11
Speaker 1: were super well dressed in these outfits. It just don't
6:14
Speaker 1: seem very functional for all super garish. She was also
6:17
Speaker 1: a real smoke show his he looks like a hair commercial. Oh,
6:20
Speaker 1: I know, it looks like a commercial for product for
6:22
Speaker 1: Clear Home perm kit or something. I was taking Clear
6:25
Speaker 1: All herbal Essences. Uh, neither of which responses of our show.
6:29
Speaker 1: We're just making any comparison, but we'll take it. But
6:31
Speaker 1: we will take it if you are listening Clear all
6:33
Speaker 1: herble Essence or maybe some kind of relax er. I
6:36
Speaker 1: don't know, yeah, yeah, like you said, some kind of
6:39
Speaker 1: perm kit. But he and his compatriot as fellow Marshal
6:44
Speaker 1: Jean Loan. He was born in seventeen sixty nine, and
6:47
Speaker 1: he would go on to become one of Napoleon's most
6:50
Speaker 1: prized general's. Napoleon, when speaking of Jean Long, famously once
6:55
Speaker 1: said I found him a pigmy and left him a giant,
7:00
Speaker 1: which is a very self aggrandizing way to look at
7:04
Speaker 1: somebody's success. Well, that's also kind of interesting considering what
7:06
Speaker 1: people say about Napoleon's height, you know, as though he
7:09
Speaker 1: was able to lift men up from small stature to
7:12
Speaker 1: giant hude, which we did establish was British propaganda. Yeah,
7:16
Speaker 1: I choose to still like to believe it. He wasn't
7:18
Speaker 1: actually extraordinarily short. I told a friend of mine that
7:21
Speaker 1: I was doing an episode, we were doing an episode
7:23
Speaker 1: of Napoleon today, and she sent me a gift of
7:25
Speaker 1: a cartoon of Napoleon riding a very very small horse,
7:29
Speaker 1: looking very sad. The horse not Napoleon. Yeah, it was
7:32
Speaker 1: one of the most effective propaganda campaigns in Western history.
7:37
Speaker 1: So back to this day, November eighteen o five, Jean
7:42
Speaker 1: and Joachim are guiding their forces as as you said, Noel,
7:47
Speaker 1: on their way to Vienna. But there's a very important
7:51
Speaker 1: bridge that they have to cross, the tab Or Bridge,
7:54
Speaker 1: the Tabor Bridge at Tabor Bridge. I don't know. I'll
7:56
Speaker 1: go with that. I I support that. Um listeners, don't
7:59
Speaker 1: don't bother writing us in with your particular pronunciations of
8:02
Speaker 1: it unless you really feel strongly about it. We might,
8:04
Speaker 1: I don't know, it'll still annoy us. It's fine. We
8:07
Speaker 1: love you though, we love all of you, each and
8:08
Speaker 1: every one of you. Casey's pronunciation corner real quick, just
8:12
Speaker 1: so I get it. Out there, the pronunciation would be
8:14
Speaker 1: murraw more than murat. Okay. But but because you always
8:19
Speaker 1: run into these situations where everybody says that a certain
8:21
Speaker 1: way English, so you kind of get used to saying
8:23
Speaker 1: it that way, and it's kind of obnoxious in a
8:26
Speaker 1: way if you say raw in in an otherwise English
8:28
Speaker 1: language sense. That's right, that's right. But we were we
8:31
Speaker 1: also we're kind of putting on some slightly affective French accents.
8:34
Speaker 1: What is it? It's okay? So it's is it at
8:36
Speaker 1: the level of pretension? Uh? That going into taco bell
8:40
Speaker 1: and ordering like surely not? How bad? Okay, while we
8:45
Speaker 1: still have you Casey, Um, what about the bridge? Is
8:48
Speaker 1: it in France or it was Invianna? Yeah? Yeah, so
8:51
Speaker 1: who knows? I don't know Casey on the case. Yeah,
8:57
Speaker 1: Casey's jurisdiction is only in France. That's French reasons. So
9:03
Speaker 1: but still, thank you for showing up and thank you
9:05
Speaker 1: for doing the right thing and recusing yourself. You know,
9:07
Speaker 1: that's very honest. As the resident little German boy of
9:11
Speaker 1: the podcast, I would like to throw my dice behind
9:14
Speaker 1: Tabor Tabor. Okay, So these guys Lan and Mara see
9:19
Speaker 1: this bridge and they know that the Austrians, their forces,
9:24
Speaker 1: being imminently experienced and very well aware of the importance
9:29
Speaker 1: of the bridge, they know that these enemy forces may
9:33
Speaker 1: destroy the bridge entirely unless they do something. And they
9:36
Speaker 1: can't do the usual Napoleonic tactic of running up there
9:40
Speaker 1: in mass because the bridge will just get destroyed that
9:43
Speaker 1: much more quickly. So instead, these two guys, and this
9:47
Speaker 1: is great, these two guys decide to run a con job.
9:52
Speaker 1: They don't run up with the forces, you know, banners
9:55
Speaker 1: and guns blazing, somebody drumming behind them and all that jazz.
9:58
Speaker 1: Instead they walk up to the bridge casually, a little
10:03
Speaker 1: bit of a little bit of a stroll, and they're
10:07
Speaker 1: waving a white flag. And they've just got a small
10:11
Speaker 1: group of a small group of people with a little envoy.
10:15
Speaker 1: And let's less we forget that the the the Austrians
10:18
Speaker 1: had the bridge rigged to blow already, right there were
10:21
Speaker 1: like fuses like at the ready so that they could like,
10:24
Speaker 1: you know, send this thing into the into the river
10:27
Speaker 1: upon first side or on the first sight. Because they
10:29
Speaker 1: knew and they were instructed by their uh, their commander,
10:33
Speaker 1: who was a guy named Carl Osburg, to defend their
10:37
Speaker 1: territory at all costs and not let the French cross
10:40
Speaker 1: the bridge. So they were prepared for this scenario. Um,
10:43
Speaker 1: but there was this nice little subterfuse going on here.
10:47
Speaker 1: They just kind of sauntered across the bridge, like you said,
10:49
Speaker 1: waving this white flag of retreat of truce, right, Yeah,
10:54
Speaker 1: of truce, And this is commonly understood to mean that
10:57
Speaker 1: there will be some sort of parleys, some sort of
10:59
Speaker 1: colver station rather than a conflict. And they meet. You know,
11:04
Speaker 1: the Austrians at this point are dumbfounded. They're thinking what's happening.
11:09
Speaker 1: They already have their adrenaline pumping, they're ready to fight.
11:12
Speaker 1: And then these two French marshals they say, oh guys,
11:17
Speaker 1: funny story, quick update, and armistice is about to be signed.
11:23
Speaker 1: I mean, we'll enter into a time of peace and
11:27
Speaker 1: due to the negotiations, this bridge actually belongs to French
11:32
Speaker 1: forces and we're on the way to make it official
11:35
Speaker 1: with your boss, Carl. I do just want to say too,
11:39
Speaker 1: that's also possible that the Austrians were just taken aback
11:41
Speaker 1: by the sheer sex appeal of these two French generals.
11:45
Speaker 1: Flowing locks, they're sauntering down these bridges. And by the way,
11:49
Speaker 1: the Tabor Bridge, it was not just one bridge, it
11:51
Speaker 1: was a series of bridges. There were three bridges and
11:53
Speaker 1: the first two were set to burn because they were
11:56
Speaker 1: on they were would I imagine, And then the third
11:58
Speaker 1: one was actually ragged with munition. Is the third one
12:01
Speaker 1: being the one closest to to shore to land. So
12:08
Speaker 1: um oh, I love this. The guy named Ausberg by
12:10
Speaker 1: the way, Auersberg, I believe it's how you would pronounce it. Um.
12:12
Speaker 1: This is his His title was field martial lieutenant. Yes,
12:17
Speaker 1: all one word, all one where I love these long
12:19
Speaker 1: German compound words. They're great. And he was also not
12:24
Speaker 1: around when this happened. So the Austrians in charge, and
12:29
Speaker 1: as you said, Old, it's a series of bridges. They
12:31
Speaker 1: were going for the main bridge that crosses the Danube
12:35
Speaker 1: most directly. Carl is not around at all. And while
12:41
Speaker 1: the marshals are sort of vamping and convincing these folks
12:44
Speaker 1: that hey, we don't have to fight, and armistice is
12:47
Speaker 1: pretty much official at this time, let's let's all chill
12:50
Speaker 1: a little bit while they're While they're doing all this
12:53
Speaker 1: smoke and mirrors, their actual French troops are sneaking slowly
12:59
Speaker 1: toward the bridge as Long and Murat are walking across
13:04
Speaker 1: the bridge with the Austrians. Yeah, because these guys are
13:07
Speaker 1: kind of a little bit dumbfounded. They were sort of
13:09
Speaker 1: taken aback by this. They're trying to confirm these reports.
13:12
Speaker 1: It's not like they have any kind of mobile communications technology.
13:17
Speaker 1: They're obviously running couriers or sending sending a runner and
13:20
Speaker 1: they had yeah, of course, so they had to hop
13:22
Speaker 1: to and and find out if this was true. And
13:24
Speaker 1: that's why it was such a tactical feat of genius,
13:28
Speaker 1: because they literally just kind of confused them to the
13:32
Speaker 1: point where they weren't paying attention and they were able
13:34
Speaker 1: to get their guys pretty casually across the bridge. It's
13:38
Speaker 1: got this kind of Ocean's eleven vibe, very much like age. Yeah,
13:42
Speaker 1: in terms of the con So things do get sticky.
13:45
Speaker 1: They don't completely go according to plan. Because as they're waiting,
13:50
Speaker 1: as the marshals are waiting for the French troops to
13:53
Speaker 1: get close enough to the bridge to make a difference
13:55
Speaker 1: in the fight or save it from being destroyed, one
13:58
Speaker 1: Austrian sar decides that he does not buy this tail.
14:03
Speaker 1: Smart man. Yeah, that this is all cockamamie that if
14:06
Speaker 1: it's too good to be true, that usually means it is.
14:09
Speaker 1: It's a real cock and bull story. And so this
14:12
Speaker 1: guy surreptitiously begins to uh starts to light a fuse
14:19
Speaker 1: or tries to. He's got matches in his hand. He's
14:22
Speaker 1: about to just blow the bridge up, yea. And doesn't
14:24
Speaker 1: our boy Murat just just daintily snatch it from him.
14:29
Speaker 1: It was lawn excuse me, Jeanjean lo uh. So jeanl
14:33
Speaker 1: lol uh snatches the match from this guy's hand, and
14:37
Speaker 1: he says, you know what, pal, a truce has been signed,
14:41
Speaker 1: and that means that you're destroying public property because we're
14:44
Speaker 1: not in an act of war and if you try
14:47
Speaker 1: that one more time, I will have you arrested off
14:51
Speaker 1: to prison with you. So we've talked about these munitions
14:55
Speaker 1: that were rigged to you know, blow up the bridge,
14:57
Speaker 1: die hard style. Um. But they had they had some
15:00
Speaker 1: their stuff guarding their side of the bridge. These Austrians
15:03
Speaker 1: didn't they've been They had some heavy weapons. Yeah, they
15:06
Speaker 1: had an artillery force with cannon and the cannons were
15:11
Speaker 1: preparing to fire on the grenadiers who were standing behind
15:16
Speaker 1: the marshals. Now, by the way, I just want to
15:19
Speaker 1: clarify this with you, Ben, were grenadiers wielders of grenades
15:23
Speaker 1: or is this just another name that was pre the
15:25
Speaker 1: invention of the grenade, because that seems like a little
15:27
Speaker 1: bit more of a modern device to me. They were
15:30
Speaker 1: specialized soldiers that were first established I guess in the
15:35
Speaker 1: mid to late seventeenth century six hundreds for throwing grenades.
15:40
Speaker 1: That's what they did. They were usually going to be
15:42
Speaker 1: the strongest and largest soldiers because they could throw the farthest.
15:46
Speaker 1: That's right. So the grenades more or less as we
15:49
Speaker 1: know them today were definitely used during the Napoleonic conflicts
15:53
Speaker 1: during his era, at least the basic principle the basic principle,
15:55
Speaker 1: so maybe maybe more along the line, maybe a little
15:58
Speaker 1: bit less, I don't know. There's not a whole lot
16:00
Speaker 1: of moving parts in the grenade. It's sort of just
16:02
Speaker 1: like a metal piece of dynamite with a fuse, more
16:05
Speaker 1: or less, right, Yeah, pull, throw, release the whatever, the latch,
16:09
Speaker 1: the crack, the cracking please. Um. So these there's a
16:13
Speaker 1: there's a really amazing account where who is it? Is
16:16
Speaker 1: it morat or or Lan who distracts one of the
16:19
Speaker 1: cannon operators by straddling the cannon. I'm picturing it in
16:23
Speaker 1: a slightly come hither way. I don't know why, as
16:27
Speaker 1: as if he like laid on it as though or
16:29
Speaker 1: a grand piano, you know, and like I don't know. Yeah,
16:32
Speaker 1: So the grenade deers are on the other side of
16:34
Speaker 1: the bridge still or they haven't walked all the way
16:37
Speaker 1: across it at least, and Jean Lan sees the artillery
16:41
Speaker 1: about to fire on the French forces, and so as
16:44
Speaker 1: you said, he hops on the cannon and uh just
16:48
Speaker 1: lights a pipe and starts smoking. See again, picture him
16:51
Speaker 1: just kind of like straddling the cannon, crossing his legs,
16:54
Speaker 1: pulling out his pipe and just never like breaking the
16:57
Speaker 1: man's gaze, letting his pipe and just being like what,
17:00
Speaker 1: doing a basic instinct doing a bit of a base
17:02
Speaker 1: against Yes, yes, I am picturing that, um and I'm
17:06
Speaker 1: sticking to it. That's that's what my imagination says, and
17:08
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying out loud. And so here's where
17:11
Speaker 1: Muratt comes into play. This really is a two person
17:14
Speaker 1: con So there are several sergeants there, and the sergeants
17:19
Speaker 1: are you know, gonna be battle tested, and they typically
17:23
Speaker 1: are gonna be a little bit better at seeing through
17:26
Speaker 1: a ruse or uh discerning a tactic. And one of
17:30
Speaker 1: the sergeants continue saying, look, this is a trick. Do
17:35
Speaker 1: not trust these uh evil French forces. These guys are
17:40
Speaker 1: clearly doing a snow job on us. And then Murat
17:44
Speaker 1: says to the Austrian officers, you guys gonna let and
17:49
Speaker 1: enlisted man talk to you that way. I don't know
17:51
Speaker 1: how it works in the Austrian army, but we don't
17:55
Speaker 1: tolerate that as French officers. So I don't know what
17:57
Speaker 1: kind of what kind of circus you all are on
18:00
Speaker 1: in here. These dudes powers of persuasion and distraction are
18:05
Speaker 1: second to none, my friend, second to none. This is
18:08
Speaker 1: this is fabulous stuff. And the Austrian officers are like,
18:13
Speaker 1: goes on. We don't know exactly what he says, but
18:15
Speaker 1: he goes on for a little while, and he's dressing
18:18
Speaker 1: down the officers because he's like horrified and offended on
18:22
Speaker 1: their behalf. And so eventually the officers are so I guess,
18:27
Speaker 1: ashamed and humiliated, like in a tizzy or something. Yeah,
18:30
Speaker 1: because you know, officers see each other as equals, right,
18:34
Speaker 1: so they're essentially screwing up by allowing this insolence to occur.
18:40
Speaker 1: And so they order that sergeant arrested and imprisoned. And
18:44
Speaker 1: can you imagine being that poor Austrian sergeant. You know
18:48
Speaker 1: you're correct, you know it's a trick, and now you're
18:51
Speaker 1: going to jail. This whole thing plays out like one
18:54
Speaker 1: of those episodes of Bugs Bunny where he convinces someone
18:57
Speaker 1: like he's a girl rabbit or whatever us to like
19:00
Speaker 1: get his way, or he poses in some disguise and
19:03
Speaker 1: is able to gaslight some poor hapless sap like Elmer
19:07
Speaker 1: Fudd into like doing just the thing he needs him
19:09
Speaker 1: to do to have him win the day. This is
19:12
Speaker 1: not strike you as that like it says these these Austrians,
19:15
Speaker 1: and it's gonna come around to haunt them acted and
19:18
Speaker 1: just utter incompetent ways that just defy any kind of logic.
19:23
Speaker 1: So all I can do is I can only assume
19:24
Speaker 1: that these guys were not complete and utter idiots. You know,
19:27
Speaker 1: the Austrian army had a good reputation for for having
19:29
Speaker 1: their their stuff together, but they were no match for
19:32
Speaker 1: the wits of these two frenchmen. Were they right exactly?
19:36
Speaker 1: And so at this point they're still trying to convince
19:41
Speaker 1: all the Austrians, and armistice has been reached. It's it
19:45
Speaker 1: just happened so recently that you guys haven't heard of
19:47
Speaker 1: it again, implying something might not be great with your army.
19:52
Speaker 1: And at this point another Austrian officer arrives and they
19:56
Speaker 1: do the whole dog and pony show again, and armistice
19:59
Speaker 1: has been signed. This bridge belongs to France. It's public property.
20:03
Speaker 1: We're not at war. What's the big hub up? And
20:06
Speaker 1: if you blow this bridge up then you're liabel for
20:08
Speaker 1: destruction of public property. Adults, you're essentially it's terrorist. This
20:12
Speaker 1: is gas lighting one on one, dude, I know it's
20:14
Speaker 1: not even one on one. This is advanced level again,
20:16
Speaker 1: this is this is high intermediate at the very least. Yeah,
20:19
Speaker 1: it's it's it's a it's a it's a real, a
20:21
Speaker 1: real ship show here. Yeah. And gaslighting is just for
20:24
Speaker 1: anyone who is fortunate enough not to have known that
20:26
Speaker 1: phrase beforehand, gaslighting is when you deceive or manipulate someone
20:31
Speaker 1: by making them think that they are crazy. Right, So
20:40
Speaker 1: what does this officer do, this new on the scene
20:43
Speaker 1: officer when he learns the news. Well, I mean, at
20:46
Speaker 1: this point, they really need an adult in the room,
20:50
Speaker 1: you know, they really need to consult with the grown up.
20:52
Speaker 1: So he runs to get Ausberg, the field martial lieutenant
20:57
Speaker 1: who was it was in command, but seemingly a bit
21:00
Speaker 1: of an absentee commander. Um, so they really needed to
21:03
Speaker 1: consult with this guy because they were just running around
21:05
Speaker 1: like chickens with their heads cut off at this point.
21:07
Speaker 1: And the French forces, now they're still approaching, Austrians have
21:12
Speaker 1: no idea what to do because it's a cost benefit thing.
21:16
Speaker 1: If it really if there really is an rmoustice, then
21:19
Speaker 1: they are in deep, deep fudge if they if they
21:24
Speaker 1: shoot at these French forces, it's like a who's on
21:27
Speaker 1: third kind of like situation. I mean, it really is.
21:30
Speaker 1: It's yeah, and the the French soldiers have been told
21:34
Speaker 1: by the marshals, like right before they went off on
21:37
Speaker 1: this crazy con job, they've been told guys, just walk
21:41
Speaker 1: forward like nothing's wrong, just like walk forward like you're
21:44
Speaker 1: not in a war. I just think it's so incredible
21:47
Speaker 1: that like all the information they're getting is coming from
21:50
Speaker 1: the enemy, all of it, and they're acting on it
21:53
Speaker 1: as though it's like you know, to be believed, and
21:57
Speaker 1: and the and the one guy, the one guy who said, hey,
22:01
Speaker 1: maybe we should slow a role a little bit and like,
22:03
Speaker 1: you know, take a couple of steps back and think
22:05
Speaker 1: on this. He gets arrested and like put in the
22:08
Speaker 1: stocks or whatever by his own people. Yeah, this is
22:11
Speaker 1: some some bugs bunny malevolence right here, my friend. And
22:14
Speaker 1: I'm picturing this Binny Hill soundtrack playing softly under a
22:19
Speaker 1: lot of this. I'm just picturing these these Austrians just
22:22
Speaker 1: running around like juggling stuff and just like tripping over
22:25
Speaker 1: each other and just like Pratt falling for days all
22:28
Speaker 1: on this bridge. Yes, and we have to mention to
22:31
Speaker 1: this this stuff once it begins happening, once these two
22:34
Speaker 1: guys walk up with their forces, it happens pretty quick. Succession.
22:38
Speaker 1: I think this could have been This could be like
22:40
Speaker 1: a sitcom episode, like like one one episode. Yeah, I
22:43
Speaker 1: think that's about how long it could have in real time,
22:45
Speaker 1: play out as a five minute television second. Why don't
22:49
Speaker 1: we just do a season of various hilarious things from
22:52
Speaker 1: the Napoleonic Wars, get Larry David to write it and
22:55
Speaker 1: then put it on HBO. Can't you picture the part
22:58
Speaker 1: where Napoleon and his dudes are getting them by the bunnies,
23:00
Speaker 1: and it's just don't, don't, don't exactly. I think that's perfect,
23:08
Speaker 1: especially Benny Hill and Larry David work on and Seinfeld
23:12
Speaker 1: works for this too, because as the forces from France
23:17
Speaker 1: march onto the bridge, they actually get on the bridge,
23:19
Speaker 1: they're being super chill about it. Everybody's being cool. They're
23:24
Speaker 1: just strolling up there, sauntering maybe a sachet or so
23:28
Speaker 1: for anyone who was a suppressed actor. And as they're
23:32
Speaker 1: walking up, the Austrians are are panicking. They're realizing we're
23:37
Speaker 1: not at war. Uh hip hip, hooray, kluekla, what a
23:40
Speaker 1: wondrous day and so on, and they start physically throwing
23:44
Speaker 1: all the explosives that they had prepared for blowing up
23:48
Speaker 1: the bridge into the Danube. They just threw them away,
23:51
Speaker 1: get them out of the way. The French are coming.
23:53
Speaker 1: We're friends now, Yeah, yeah, really really ill advised. So
23:59
Speaker 1: Carl is up. I love calling him by his first day, Carl, Carl, Carl,
24:04
Speaker 1: get over here. There's sort we have an armistice. So
24:08
Speaker 1: Carl shows up and he sees the French marshals and
24:13
Speaker 1: all their forces on the bridge. He sees his own
24:15
Speaker 1: men throwing away all the explosives, and Carl looks around
24:19
Speaker 1: and he goes, huh, well, it must be true. They've
24:23
Speaker 1: got so far with this. You know, it's clearly this,
24:27
Speaker 1: I mean, this is good news for us, right, Really,
24:30
Speaker 1: you think he thought that, You think he wasn't just
24:31
Speaker 1: immediately outraged. He No, he thought it was true, and
24:35
Speaker 1: so he handed the bridge over to the marshals. Not
24:37
Speaker 1: a shot was fired, and the entire thing, Oh god.
24:41
Speaker 1: But then immediately after handing over the bridge, they became
24:45
Speaker 1: prisoners of war. The French took them prisoner and they're
24:48
Speaker 1: like wait, what wait what what? What? What casey? Can
24:52
Speaker 1: you queue up that that curbed music again? Yeah? Yeah,
25:04
Speaker 1: like that. So what happened afterwards? No, what I mean,
25:07
Speaker 1: because Napoleon's not on the scene at all. He's not
25:09
Speaker 1: on the scene. But yeah, Napoleon had nothing but praise
25:12
Speaker 1: to heap on his brother in law, old Joaquim Napoleon
25:16
Speaker 1: Murat and he had a really cool nickname for him,
25:18
Speaker 1: by the way, which was the first Horseman of Europe
25:21
Speaker 1: Um and his compatriot gen lan Um. And he basically
25:25
Speaker 1: said that they had achieved a feat of strategy, and
25:29
Speaker 1: that he was very proud of them and they were
25:31
Speaker 1: good little boys, and he gave them pat on the
25:32
Speaker 1: head and uh, you know, probably some kind of military commendation.
25:36
Speaker 1: Who's to say, Um, the Austrian side did not fare
25:40
Speaker 1: quite so well in terms of the praise that was
25:42
Speaker 1: heaped upon them, because there was none, right, right, there
25:45
Speaker 1: was not at it. It's a great story, but yeah,
25:49
Speaker 1: you can only imagine the ignomy of that. And Carl
25:54
Speaker 1: himself is later court martialed, convicted of negligence rightly so
26:00
Speaker 1: cashiered and stripped of all his honors. Later he is
26:03
Speaker 1: pardoned and actually reinstated. So this hilarious mistake did not
26:08
Speaker 1: follow him for all of his days. I don't know, man,
26:11
Speaker 1: I feel like it probably did. That's a pretty embarrassing
26:14
Speaker 1: thing to have been in charge of. Yeah, hopefully he learned,
26:18
Speaker 1: uh that are critical thinking skills. Well, he wasn't even
26:21
Speaker 1: there right like all this later he came later, and
26:24
Speaker 1: he he would have thought that he could have put
26:27
Speaker 1: it together. But it's just I cannot believe that these
26:29
Speaker 1: French guys outsmarted their enemies at literally every possible turn
26:34
Speaker 1: in this story. Yeah, and I can't get over the
26:37
Speaker 1: one guy that was like, wait, but but but it's
26:40
Speaker 1: like the kid in the horror movie that knows there's
26:43
Speaker 1: a monster but no one will believe him, you know. Yeah, yeah,
26:46
Speaker 1: or the one person who gets called crazy in the
26:48
Speaker 1: first third of a horror movie. Yeah, it's it's insane.
26:52
Speaker 1: I can't get over just the sheer amazing confidence. And
26:59
Speaker 1: as someone who does calm it the outside of the
27:01
Speaker 1: studio here, I'm very impressed with their improvisational skills. They
27:05
Speaker 1: were just yes, ending their way to victory. Yeah, that's
27:08
Speaker 1: a good way of putting in. We should have put
27:10
Speaker 1: that as the subtitle of the episode. Hey, that's not
27:13
Speaker 1: a bad idea. No, yeah, let's do that. And this
27:17
Speaker 1: concludes our most recent installment of hilarious stories from the
27:22
Speaker 1: Napoleonic Wars. A lot of them. Man, I'm excited to
27:25
Speaker 1: get get into some more. Surely, surely we have not
27:27
Speaker 1: exhausted them yet. Yeah. True. Let us know what other
27:31
Speaker 1: strange and funny war stories you have found, especially if
27:35
Speaker 1: they involve Napoleonic shenanigans. In the meantime, Well, we do
27:40
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed this episode. As always, want to give
27:43
Speaker 1: a big thanks to Casey Pegram for once again saving
27:46
Speaker 1: the show and our immortal souls and Nold's immortal soul.
27:52
Speaker 1: I I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoke. I shouldn't have
27:54
Speaker 1: learned you. Well I had, I got this ongoing negotiation.
27:58
Speaker 1: We also want to think our recurring guests and research
28:02
Speaker 1: associate Christopher hasciotis. Yeah. Man, he pitched at us earlier
28:05
Speaker 1: about making that thing a regular occurrence, and I want
28:08
Speaker 1: to bring it up to you right now. I think
28:10
Speaker 1: it's a golden idea. Yeah. I already wrote back to him,
28:14
Speaker 1: and so this said much the same. Yeah. Good good.
28:16
Speaker 1: So we're in agreement. Yeah, so we are in agreement,
28:19
Speaker 1: and we hope that you agree. It would be fun
28:23
Speaker 1: to check out our other stuff on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Yeah,
28:27
Speaker 1: and I swear ben on all of our shows. We
28:29
Speaker 1: need to, you know, we need to follow the lead
28:30
Speaker 1: of our pals in l A who do a much
28:33
Speaker 1: better job of maintaining their own social media accounts. You
28:35
Speaker 1: and I think got the stories, they got the gifts,
28:37
Speaker 1: the boomerangs and stuff. We need to do more of that.
28:40
Speaker 1: I'm gonna throw down the gauntlet right now and pledge
28:43
Speaker 1: that we're gonna We're gonna try to start doing that.
28:45
Speaker 1: You know, if we don't follow through, don't hold it
28:47
Speaker 1: against us too harshly. But you know, I want to change.
28:50
Speaker 1: I want to be better. You got to be the change. Yeah,
28:53
Speaker 1: do we have anything else we're supposed to mention? Think? So?
28:55
Speaker 1: Do we think? Thanks for thanks to Alex Williams, who
28:58
Speaker 1: composed our theme. Thanks to use Jeff Cote, who did
29:01
Speaker 1: not work on this episode. I believe but is a
29:03
Speaker 1: font of knowledge. Um. Thanks to you, Benjamin for that
29:06
Speaker 1: dapper checker shirt you're wearing today. Thanks to you knowl Jamin,
29:09
Speaker 1: you have a nice shirt as well. You're right, Thank you,
29:12
Speaker 1: ben Casey. Can I see your shirt? Just leaning it?
29:15
Speaker 1: Casey's killing it too, he really is. And I think
29:17
Speaker 1: we're all going to go and have a drink and
29:19
Speaker 1: a bite of food at our local haunt after we
29:22
Speaker 1: wrap up here, because we are in fact real friends.
29:24
Speaker 1: This isn't just a show. Yeah, we do hang out
29:26
Speaker 1: in an inordinate amount of time. We probably spend more
29:28
Speaker 1: time with each other than we do with our girlfriends.
29:31
Speaker 1: I have a girlfriend. Yeah, Well you know what I mean.
29:33
Speaker 1: I'm working on all right. Well, uh, that's it until
29:37
Speaker 1: next time, So stay tuned the end