Latest / Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe / You HATE Hearing This But Your Wife Needs More Than a Sober Husband

Transcript

You HATE Hearing This But Your Wife Needs More Than a Sober Husband · Sex & Porn Addiction Recovery with Russell Beebe

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Some men stop watching porn and still lose their marriage, while others don't.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: So what makes the difference?
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Russell Beebe, I'm a licensed mental health counselor or certified sex addiction therapist and a recovery coach.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also in recovery myself.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: My wife almost left me more than once because of my addiction.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: In this video, I want to talk about why simply stopping pornography is only the first step and what actually gives your marriage a chance to survive.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Stopping porn does not repair the marriage.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: When a guy gets caught, usually the first thing he thinks is that the pornography is the entire problem.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: So he says things like, I'll stop, I deleted everything, I'll put a blocker on my phone, I swear I'll never do it again.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he probably means it.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is his wife usually looking at something much bigger than just pornography.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: She's looking at the lying, the secrecy, the deleted message, the emotional distance.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And all those times she knew something wasn't right and he told her everything was fine.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he denied it, maybe he blamed stress, maybe he told her they were just weren't having enough sex, maybe even made her feel like she was being suspicious or irrational when deep down part of her already knew something was wrong.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So when he says I stopped watching porn, in his mind he thinks, okay, I fixed the problem, but she's still trying to figure out if she can trust reality again.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can she believe what he tells her?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can she trust him when he's alone with his phone?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Can she even trust her own instincts after being told for many years that those instincts were wrong?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why a guy can go and be sober for 60 days and still have his wife checking his phone, asking the same questions, or even getting upset about something that seems really small to him.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: He thinks she's trying to catch him watching porn again, but a lot of time what she's really doing is testing the floor underneath her.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: For years she thought he was standing on something solid, and then suddenly she finds out that part of her marriage wasn't what she thought it was.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: So now every unanswered question, every late night, every change in his behavior can feel like that floor is moving again.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Look, stopping pornography absolutely matters, but think of it like putting out a fire when it's already moving through your house.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the fire is out, but now you have to walk through the house and figure out what got damaged.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: For the husband, the fire was the pornography.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: For the wife, the damage might be years of lying, confusion, betrayal, and learning not to trust what she was seeing with her own eyes.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And this is where a lot of men make their next mistake.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Remorse can look like recovery.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: When your marriage is in crisis, it's really easy to look committed to recovery.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Your wife is threatening to leave, maybe you're sleeping in another room, maybe she tells you I can't do this anymore, and suddenly you're willing to do almost anything.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You schedule therapy, you download accountability software, you go to a meeting, you're crying, you're apologizing, you're making promises.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And for a few weeks you might work harder at recovery than you've ever worked at anything else in your life.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: But then the crisis starts to settle down.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Your wife decides she's not leaving, at least not yet.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: You're fighting less, work gets busy, life starts to come back to normal, and slowly recovery starts disappearing.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: You miss a group, you stop checking in, you start telling yourself, I understand this now, I think I can handle this on my own.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And usually your wife notices it before you do because she's already seen remorse, she's already heard promises, she's already watched you change for two or three weeks.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So when that effort is disappearing, she doesn't see that you're just getting busy.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: She sees the same cycle starting all over again.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is one of the biggest differences between marriages that actually begin to recover and marriages that stay stuck.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: The man doesn't just feel bad.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: He actually enters recovery.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's a big difference.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Real recovery means you have a clear sobriety boundary, you have accountability, you have support, you have daily and weekly recovery routines.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, you keep those things after immediate threat of losing your marriage goes away.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: But even that isn't the whole answer because you can be sexually sober and still be difficult to deal with.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: She needs more than a sober man.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can stop pornography and still be defensive.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: You can go to recovery groups and still lie about things.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can have 90 days of sobriety and still treat every little conversation with her wife like she's attacking you.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that marriage can still fail because your wife doesn't just need you to stop acting out.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: She needs you to become emotionally safe.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: She needs you to be a changed man in her life.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: So when she asks you the same question for the fourth time, you don't immediately say, We already talked about this.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: You don't understand that maybe she needs to go back to the event again and again because she's trying to put the pieces together.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: When she's having a bad day, you don't say, I thought we were past this.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: When she gets angry, you don't immediately start explaining what you meant or why she shouldn't feel that way.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: You learn to listen to the impact your behavior has had on you.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean you accept abuse from her or you don't have boundaries.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: It means you stop treating her pain like it's the first problem that needs to be fixed.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: One of the most damaging things I see guys do is spend every conversation defending the person they used to be.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't mean to hurt you, I was only online, it wasn't physical, I was under a lot of stress, and some of that may even be true, but early in this process, it usually just sounds like you're trying to make what happened seem smaller.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your intent matters, but the impact has to matter first.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you keep trying to convince her that you're not as bad as she thinks you are, what she hears is you're still more interested in protecting your image than understanding what she went through.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: The marriages I see begin to recover usually have a guy who can eventually say, Yes, I did that.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why you don't trust me.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why this feels bigger to you than it does to me.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not going to argue you out of your pain.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: So what does rebuilding trust look like?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Trust returns through evidence.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Trust usually doesn't come back because one huge gesture.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It comes back through a lot of really small things over time.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: You say where you're going and that's where you go.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: You say where you're going and you make that call, you make the calls that you need to make in recovery.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: You have a difficult day, and instead of disappearing, you reach out for support.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: You tell her something uncomfortable before she discovers it herself.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when she's upset, you stay present and empathetic instead of immediately getting defensive or shutting down.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: None of those things by themselves prove everything.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: But over time, all the little pieces start to be put together into a different picture of who you're becoming.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And unfortunately, that usually takes longer than either person wants.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: The husband is thinking, when is she going to recognize how much progress I'm making?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And the wife is thinking, how do I know I'm not wasting another year of my life?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: He's asking, how long is this going to take?
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: She's asking, how long before I know his recovery is actually real this time?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's no exact timeline, but you can look at it in the direction that you're moving.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you becoming an honest man with her not having to chase?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Are you becoming more consistent?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Are you learning how to deal with stress and urges differently?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you taking responsibility without expecting immediate forgiveness?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is she slowly feeling like she has to monitor you less?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you measure progress, not by whether everything feels normal again after 30 days.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, if your marriage is on the brink because of sex or porn addiction and you know that making another promise isn't going to be enough, there's a link below where you can schedule a confidential call with our team.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: We'll help you understand what real recovery looks like and what might be keeping your relationship stuck and what your next step should be.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery offers a chance, not a guarantee.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I need to be really clear about something.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery does not guarantee that your wife is going to stay.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Some marriages end because the guy never really enters recovery.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: He keeps acting out, he keeps lying, he doesn't do enough to calm everything down, and then eventually goes right back to the same behavior.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Other marriages end because the pornography stops, but the guy never really changes relationally.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's sober, but he's still defensive, he's still angry, he's emotionally unavailable, and he expects his wife to somehow reward him because he's not portraying her anymore.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: That relationship can still feel almost as unsafe as it did before.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Stopping the behavior is necessary, absolutely, but stopping the behavior by itself does not automatically make you a good husband.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes a guy really enters recovery, he becomes honest, he gets sober, he does the work, and his partner still decides too much damage has been done.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: She has the right to make that decision.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: Recovery can't become another strategy to control whether your wife stays.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You do this work because becoming honest, sober, responsible, and emotionally healthy is what you need to do regardless.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if recovery doesn't guarantee your marriage survives, then why do it?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because it gives your marriage its first real chance.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to try.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: What gives the marriage a real chance?
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of men I work with come to us believing their marriage is already over.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Their wife is threatening divorce, she's saying she'll never trust again.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: One day she seems hopeful and the next day she seems furious.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everything feels unstable.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: And then the man starts to change.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: He stops the behavior, he starts telling the truth before he gets caught, he stops demanding that his wife recover on his timeline.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: He learns how to stay present when she's angry or afraid.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, he starts showing up differently in normal everyday life.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Over time, his wife starts realizing something.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: She's not living with the same guy she used to have to drag the truth out of.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where hope starts coming from.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Not from forgetting what happened, not from pretending that somehow the betrayal was good for the marriage.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hope comes from consistent evidence that the man inside the relationship is actually becoming different.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, his wife may need support for her healing too.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Betrayal trauma can completely take over someone's life.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: She can sometimes become a full-time investigator because her nervous system is constantly trying to make sure she doesn't get blindsided again.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: But her entire life can't be organized around monitoring him.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: She may need help setting boundaries, she may need help processing the betrayal, she may need to figure out what she needs in order to feel safe again.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: His addiction is not her responsibility, and his recovery is not her responsibility.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: But the damage affected both people, and both people may need support.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: He can't do her healing for her, and she can't do his recovery for him.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: But together they can create the conditions where both of those things are possible.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're sitting there wondering whether your marriage is going to survive, don't just ask, has the porn stopped?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: Ask, is real recovery happening?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have structure around your recovery?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Are you becoming honest without having to be chaste?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are you learning how to deal with stress and urges and shame differently?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are you actually taking responsibility for the damage?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you becoming emotionally safer to live with?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And is your partner getting support instead of having to carry all of this by herself?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Porn addiction by itself does not automatically end a marriage, but continued lying, continued acting out, defensiveness, and refusing to actually enter in recovery willingly will eventually destroy most relationships.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: I can't promise you that your marriage is going to survive, but what I can tell you is this stopping pornography is not the final goal.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: The goal is becoming the man your wife no longer has to fear, monitor, investigate, or drag the truth out of.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: That's what gives your marriage the strongest possible chance of recovery.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: If your marriage is in jeopardy and you're ready to do more than just another promise, there's a link below where you can schedule a confidential call with our team.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: We'll help you understand what's actually happening, what real recovery needs to look like, and how to give your marriage the strongest possibility of chance to heal.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a high achiever who's been struggling with porn addiction, watch this next video.