Latest / Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce / If You Have To Explain It, You're Not There Yet | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep466

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If You Have To Explain It, You're Not There Yet | The 'NEW' Marriage | Ep466 · Morrow Marriage | Disrupting Divorce

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Authenticity ruining marriages.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Your partner's trauma is a gift.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: The hokey pokey is methodula.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: She saw her touch my penis.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: My narcissistic behaviors.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: My managing severe narcissism.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_01: Why are you afraid of rejection?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Authenticity ruining marriages.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Moral Marriage Podcast, guys.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: And Kathy and I had a super cool conversation.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: We were on a date Friday night and we had a nice long date.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: It was a long one.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: We didn't have to rush home.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's nice.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: And we were talking, and we were talking about um inauthentic people, actually.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what you'd think would make the most sense here with a topic today.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: That inauthenticity ruins marriages.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: And in inauthenticity does.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, um go listen to every other episode of our podcast.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: You're inauthentic, you don't know who you are, and this is why your marriage sucks.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: But authenticity also ruins marriages.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I just wanted to share my perspective on this because we didn't talk about this on Friday night, but I've been thinking about it since then.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I think that this is something you guys need to be super, super aware of.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: The more you try to find yourself, so you've hit a rock bottom, you are tired of the way your marriage is, you're losing your marriage, there's a betrayal, there is whatever is the catalyst or catalyst in your life that make you want to change and you want to become this new, brighter, best version of you.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: And you've heard me say this before.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: You say things like you can't control your partner.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, that's true.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: You don't even need to say it.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: The fact that you need to say it is because you are still on inauthentic.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: The thing is, why authenticity is killing the marriage is because you think you know who you are, you believe you're being transparent, and we can see and hear the lies in your speech, even though you don't necessarily even know it, because you believe.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: And how do we know that?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because you say stupid things like I can't control my partner, or I'm doing this for me, because if I don't have my partner, I want to be better for me, or for the next one, would be another version of it.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sounds nice when you say it.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: But you're not doing it for you, I think is what you're getting at.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I can't change my partner.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: What is that?
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like just passing the buck?
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's exactly the point.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: So what's what I really want you to take from this episode today is it's very cool.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're all going to grow into bigger, better, brighter people.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, the more you grow, the more addictive it becomes, the less contempt you will feel, the less uh angry you'll feel, the more happy you'll feel, the more uh patient you'll feel, empathy, empathy you'll feel, compassion you'll feel, all blah blah blah blah blah.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: Except for you out yourself as you start to realize that you are actually impatient, that you actually care more about your own needs than you do about, say, your partner and empathizing with them, for example.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: That you are literally trying to change your partner because you got to a point where you're proud of your changing.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: And what I'm saying is typically you're just telling yourselves these things.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Saying the right words, yes, getting a personal trainer to tell everybody you have a trainer.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, good one.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because you guys, I know that you want to believe it, but true transformation, you guys all follow us, okay?
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to paint this picture for you.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_01: We really started growing, like, really started growing in the last year and the year before that.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Even six years ago, starting, seven years ago, even every time in your life.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: So, like you start this journey and then you grow, and then you realize, holy shit, you're never finished.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: You're never finished.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Ever.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I mean, like, if you could see and understand how much transformation we had as individuals and in our marriage and as parents, and with people in our lives, in the last year alone, I'd say specifically six months.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: The last seven months.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say seven because we're in July, right?
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Um, like it's it's insurmountable.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: I would actually say that all the other growth prior really is irrelevant compared to the last six months to a year.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Except for the fact that the other growth is the foundation for the code.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: Correct.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm getting But it does not compare.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So that what he's trying to say is you grow exponentially.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: The more you try to grow, the faster in a shorter period of time.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's what exponential is, right?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, if you can think of like uh she just drew, if you're not on YouTube, she just drew like a graph, like straight up.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like everybody wants their stock building.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: It starts out slow, yeah.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then all of a sudden it starts going up.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just straight up.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like that's what our podcast graph looks like, right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so apparently our personal growth looks like that too, guys.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, ma'am.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_01: And so uh the reason why is I want you to get something from this.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that you're doing anything wrong.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like she said, it's the foundation when you start growing, but you'll get to a point where you don't have to question yourself anymore.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the reason I know you are is because again, you're explaining yourself.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can say defense if you want, you can say explaining.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'll give you an example.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking a man through.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mentioned the other episode, or maybe that was a call earlier, I can't remember.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm walking a man away from his engagement.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: I asked her to.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you mentioned it on the other episode.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you did.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I asked him, she's not even around enough to even talk to her, so I just said leave her a note, man.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not gonna tell you what I told her to say because I don't think most of you need to hear it right now.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: It was three lines spaced out evenly on a piece of paper, basically indicating that she's leaving, okay?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: And when he did that, now she's going to leave.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: And during the conversation to give him those instructions, he said something, and I'm I'm not gonna repeat it, it doesn't really matter, but I I asked him a question.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Why did you have to say that?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, I guess I didn't need to say that.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so I just waited.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: And then he thought about it for like another 30 seconds or a minute, felt like forever, because you know, we're just waiting.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then he realized, I don't need to say that.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a lord, I know where I'm going, and this isn't the end.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: This is to get her.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's not a real lord, guys.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Oh.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: People don't know what a lord is.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, men in my program are called Lords.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so he's like, I'm a Lord, I know where I'm going, and I know that this is right for me right now.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Cool, good answer.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, because sometimes we think that we're ready for next steps, and hopefully it's not the hard ones like motivating with a boundary, but we say all the things that we have to say, and I want to bring this up again, full pull us back to what Catherine said earlier, because you're using it as a justification.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: I am so great, I am the one working, I am the one that tried, I am the one doing everything.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: My partner doesn't do shit, is really what you're saying.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: And what that means is that you're still in that stage of growth where you're trying to be authentic, you're understanding what it means if you were authentic, but you're still not actually there yet.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: So what happens is you quit, and that's the part where it kills your marriage for obvious reasons.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: Can't tell you how many people are ready to quit and throw in the towel, making up all kinds of justifications throughout the process of going through this terrible, sometimes awful journey until it's awesome and exciting and incredible.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: And what happens is this whole message that I'm trying to deliver today.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're literally just not there yet.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: Just think about it like this.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Next year you're going to be a completely different person.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: And the year after that, you're gonna be another completely different person.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: You'll be able to look back and see all the different levels.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see all the growth.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: You'll you can look back and go, I wish I would have done this then, but it doesn't matter because I learned from that then to be here now.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_01: And you won't say any of these kinds of things that out you for really not being who you truly are yet, for where you still really are doing it.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: And guys, it is so easy to have one conversation with you and to know.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: We were at a restaurant, that rooftop patio we like.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um Cowboys and Cadillacs.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Cowboys and Cadillacs.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: We were there and uh talking to a couple and the not a couple, uh couple of dudes, sorry.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: And the one man is like best friends with his ex-wife.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: Six years they divorced now, six years.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: And eventually he talks about her, and he's like, oh man, no, we can't, we're just not good married.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're but oh man, like we're best friends, we can do everything, blah, blah, blah.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, she had an affair, like, you know, like way back in the beginning, like the very, very beginning.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: And so, like, this kept on going.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I was just like, so you're not okay, or what?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, like, you still have to actually say that she had the affair.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, like she's your best friend, and you're going to tell people that?
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's literally what he said.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: She's my best friend.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: We get along, we just can't be married.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: But he still wants to drag her through the mud with a couple of strangers that he's never met before.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: And so, anyways, at the end, he this is there's lots of other things I can tell you about the conversation, but at the end, when he hugged us, he said, I'm a hugger, and he hugged us both goodbye.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: And he said, But you guys put you guys as fuckers or you assholes, yeah, something like that.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: And he took off, okay.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: We are this is not our first rodeo.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I have a post that goes super viral, and it's like, how to spot a lone loneliness in a marriage, how to spot a lonely marriage.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: It's easy.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Speaking of authenticity, there are people on the internet, people that we have worked with, that I'm just like, ah, I can't even stand when I look at them and see the fakeness in their marriage or the some of some other people's message, you know.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want you to understand, if that's what you're following, that's what you're going to get.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: We can see when you talk, we can see it in the words, we can see it in your body language, we can see, we just have to, we just know.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: We just get in the car and we're like, oh, that's not good.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they're not ready.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Or that guy left, and we're like, ooh, he's still aching from that.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: That was exactly what you said.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: He's hurting.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's hurting, yeah.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, so, anyways, hopefully you got a lot out of this, guys.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: Be as authentic as possible, but it's okay in your journey to knowing exactly who you are to say, I don't know, or I'm still figuring out.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: Or it's even okay to say, I'm trying to be authentic.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe I said that.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: I do mean it.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I can let's say uh I'm going to grow whether it's whether it's my partner or not, I'm gonna grow.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: But just in your authenticity, own that you don't have to explain that.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Who are you talking to?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you have to talk to people and explain that, that's what they need to know, then they're not anywhere close to the level you want to be.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Like zero.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: Because you'd never have to say that to somebody who wants to lift you like us, the way we would.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like no shit you're supposed to grow, whether you're with them or not.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: You are an individual.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Ding ding ding ding.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like surprise cast didn't point to his head.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: That reminds me of like like it's like smart people.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: We don't have to tell you we're smart.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: But we are.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: But we That's what he's saying.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_01: Alright guys, see you next time.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.