Latest / DA CREW Podcast / SEASON 2 DA CREW PODCAST EPISODE _14 _HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS

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SEASON 2 DA CREW PODCAST EPISODE _14 _HOST TRIVEDA HARRIS · DA CREW Podcast

0:07
Hello, Hello, heyo, and welcome to the Crew podcast. I am
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the visionary Queen Angela and welcome to season two. I want to thank you
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featured, Sweeze, Sweeze, no Seeze. Good evening and welcome to Believe
2:09
in the Journey podcast where I'm your host, Trevita Harris, and this is
2:15
season two, Episode two of Believing the journey, and you know, I
2:21
am so thankful to be here for season two, me and my sisters.
2:27
For season two, we have some wonderful shows. If you have not been
2:30
tuning in, please make sure that you tune in each and every day of
2:34
the week because we have them from Sunday to Sunday, So don't miss any
2:38
of these episodes. These topics are definitely ones that you don't want to miss.
2:44
Tonight, I have a returning guest, Thomas Isaac Castro. He is
2:50
a licensed marriage and family therapist, and we're gonna continue the conversation about building
2:55
healthy relationships. But before he comes up, I know we have to go
3:00
to God first, because without him there's nothing that we can do. So,
3:05
Dear having me, Father, thank you for bringing us together again as
3:07
you do each and every time we are in front of you. Let those
3:12
who are tuned in tonight take whatever they need from this conversation and help them
3:16
in the ways that you see fit. Help us to continue in the past
3:21
and what you have for us, keep us connected to You and each and
3:24
everything that we say and do, because without you we are nothing, and
3:29
with you we are everything. And your precious name Jesus, we pray Amen,
3:35
and please welcome my guests. Mister Thomas Isaza Castro and we're going to
3:39
continue this conversation about building healthy relationships and you guys, I am a little
3:45
bit under the weather. My voice is doing his own thing, so hopefully
3:49
we'll be able to continue this conversation as long as my voice holds out.
3:53
Thank you and welcome for being here again. Yeah, thank you, Thanks
3:58
for having me on. It's good to see you, to see you.
4:00
Now. I'm going to start this conversation basically asking this question. Do you
4:09
feel like as we get older we tend to hold on to our childhood's trauma
4:16
as a way of basically like a defense mechanism so that we don't have to
4:23
take accountability for actually learning new skills. Yeah, that's an interesting question.
4:30
I have this belief, first of all, about everybody that that everybody's doing
4:33
the best that they could possibly do, can really give myself and everybody around
4:39
me that kind of credit and knowledge and ability. At the same time,
4:45
our childhood and the things that we've been through and the experiences that we've had
4:49
a lot of times, they shape our lives in ways that groove patterns that
4:55
we're used to and that we're unwilling to change because it means a big change
5:00
for the way that we're doing life. Now. If we are aware that
5:05
that's happening, then it's helpful to know that and start grooving a new pattern.
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A lot of people aren't aware, so that's the first level of people.
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Then there's people who are aware and can acknowledge the idea that says like,
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yeah, I know that came from what I was from, you know,
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my childhood, but I don't really need to change it too much.
5:24
You know, I'm not going to mess through. And then then there's people
5:27
who actually grapple with it, where I know I need to change it,
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but I can't. I can't seem to figure out how to, you know.
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Then there's also another set of people who it doesn't even matter, you
5:39
know, they can know or not know, and it doesn't really make a
5:41
difference. So the way I would say it is, I don't think consciously
5:44
people make a decision that they're going to use it as a as a as
5:50
like an escape. But I think that people will say it and acknowledge it,
5:57
and that's part of actually the patterns that they've learned. Right, Victims
6:00
of their scenarios instead of victors of their scenarios. Yeah. One thing that
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I can say that I noticed for myself is that I didn't have my mom
6:11
or my dad as a perfect relationship growing up, So I never got to
6:16
see the dynamics of a relationship between male and female. What I got to
6:24
see was my aunts and uncles and their relationships that how they interacted with their
6:31
wives and how they were interacted with their husbands. Some were positive and some
6:35
were not. And so when I got to experience my first relationship, what
6:44
I learned was their relationships were abusive relationships. So my first relationship was a
6:51
pattern after that because that's what I saw, and I thought it was normal
6:56
until I learned differently. And also so there was not a lot of affection
7:01
that was shown. No hubs, no kisses, no things of that nature.
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So it was hard to decipher what was healthy and what was unhealthy.
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And ass I got older, I kind of learned what was healthy and what
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was not, but it took some time to get there. Is that part
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of what we mimic as we get older, is that what happens. Yeah,
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so we're born actually knowing how to do relationships really well, that's how
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maybe survived because they know how to do relationships really well with what they have,
7:40
right. Yeah, So then and then we started learning different patterns and
7:45
we normalize sometimes we normalize things that are not okay in relationship. Now we
7:53
still know And this is really important for everybody to hear because I know it's
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I know it's a common thing that it where we think that whatever we've been
8:01
through, we're going to create that in our relationship. That is true.
8:05
But inside of us we know what's right and what's wrong. It isn't that
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kind of cool like we know at the end of the day, Like,
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man, I could do this for the rest of my life because I've seen
8:15
it all my life. But I know this is not really how relationships go,
8:20
right, So inside of us, everybody needs to hear this. Inside
8:24
of us is amazing ability to do amazing relationship. That's important. We need
8:31
to be able to know that for sure. Don't doubt yourself about it,
8:35
right right. I know for me it's been a challenge because I've been stuck
8:43
for myself in flight or flight mode. It's not a thing of wanting to
8:48
be overly independent, but it's been survival and so anything that challenges me in
8:56
that capacity, I'm ready to to hit the door immediately. And it's like,
9:03
I'm not about to go back and forth. I'm not about to argue
9:05
with you and things when I feel like I'm just simply expressing my feelings and
9:11
you don't want to hear me, I've found myself shutting down and not wanting
9:18
to communicate to be heard, and so I've had to fight against that in
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this relationship that I've been in for the last couple of years. Because when
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I first met him, it was one of those things where you're not about
9:31
to tell me what to do. I don't care who you are or what
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you're trying to say, and if you're trying to better me or whatever,
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that's not how I see it right now. I see you as trying to
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control me versus trying to talk to me. And so I had to dial
9:48
my own ego back, so to speak, and actually hear the worst that
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he was saying, so that I did not just take flight because it was
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easy for me to take flight and be like, you know what, this
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ain't even for me. I don't know what he's talking about. I don't
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know what he's trying to say and I honestly don't care. And so it's
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been almost three years and it's like, Okay, I can actually hear him
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now, versus just running and just trying to be like, you know what,
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I don't care nothing about what you're talking about because it's not important because
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you're not hearing me. And it was never that. It was just me
10:28
being defensive because I felt like I didn't need to hear anything that he had
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to say because he sounds to me, he sounded like every other man I
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had ever heard before, but it was a difference, and so when I
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let go of my own hurt, I was able to hear him a little
10:46
differently. Yeah, it's a huge deal. So whenever we're doing like this,
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we can't do like this right, right, And so if we are
10:56
constantly battling the thing outside of us, where we focus creates how we feel.
11:00
So if I'm focused on the outside of me, then I'm always be
11:03
doing this right. But if I'm focused on the inside of me and who
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I'm becoming in this relationship and what I'm trying to grow in this relationship,
11:11
what I'm trying to grow about myself in this relationship, everything changes because it's
11:16
this idea that says that I need somebody to do something different for me to
11:20
be okay. Right, You got that sneaky sentence in there, But the
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truth is the only person that needs to do something different is you, right,
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And so as I do that, I'm going to start recognizing. Now,
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does that mean that everybody's going to do okay around me? No,
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that's not how the world works. But if I can keep elevating my level,
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people who are supposed to be up with me will be up with me.
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People who won't will fall off. And that part is hurtful, you
11:43
know. I don't want to brush over it like that part's easy. But
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the truth is there's a focus point for us to have that increases our ability
11:50
to have healthy relationships. And that focus point is on what we're doing on
11:54
the inside. How am I doing better for me in this scenarios so that
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I can give the shine that I need to give. Right, And that
12:03
was one thing that I had to take credit for. I had to acknowledge
12:07
my own wound in order to heal so that I can hear in the proper
12:11
context of what was being said. And when I was able to do that
12:16
for myself, I started to hear things a whole lot different than being led
12:24
by the actual wound that I was still carrying, you know, And that
12:30
was hard. That was definitely hard work. And I admit that because it
12:35
was not easy. It was not easy at all, because it was easy
12:39
to walk away and say, you know what, I don't have time to
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deal with this. But it was me that needed to do the work.
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And I don't think a lot of times, I don't think we want to
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do that work because that work is hard. It's definitely hard. Yeah,
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it's so true. So it's and I don't want to make anybody into a
12:56
victim by saying this, but it's really important for us Tonoledge, Like,
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we grow up in abusive scenarios and everybody's abuse is different, and so nobody
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gets to justify mine is worse or mine is better or that wasn't as bad.
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The point is we grow up in abusive scenarios and the trait that we
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learn in abusive scenarios is for us to be able to watch outside of us
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so if we can figure so we can figure out whether we're going to be
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okay or not right because the abuser is trying to teach us how to behave
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that's the whole goal, that's the game, right And now as we grow
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older and try to do relationship, we keep watching outside of us by accident,
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instead of paying more attention to like, what do you need and what
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are the wounds that we have to do? And so for you to be
13:39
able to do that and kind of turn that corner on being able to say,
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look, part the thing that I got to do in my relationship is
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heal and get better and use this relationship to better myself and get through the
13:50
things that I need to. It gives me a marker for where I am.
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Our best versions of ourselves are in relationship. I promise you that the
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highest version of us is inside of a relationship with another person. It is
14:07
and I believe that wholeheartedly because you get to see you get to mirror yourself
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sometimes if you're actually with a partner who challenges those tough parts of you that
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you're not willing to actually acknowledge, and being able to have someone who challenges
14:26
you to the core of who you are makes a better relationship in my opinion,
14:33
because you're challenging each other in areas that is solely. Sometimes it's off
14:39
limits. You don't want people to get close enough to you to where you
14:43
have to work on those things. But when you truly care about somebody else,
14:48
you will allow them to help you heal in those areas. And that
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takes some work, It takes some patience, It takes a lot of tenacity
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to be able to acknowledge those things. And one question that I want to
15:05
ask, do you feel like some people still have a mother wound and a
15:13
father wound that they carry around as we get older that is unhealed and they
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don't know how to let go of that because they're still holding on to the
15:28
image of their parents, their mother or their father that they expected to receive
15:33
and didn't. So they tend to view the opposite sex as the way the
15:41
role that their mother or father played in their lives. Yeah, that's very
15:46
possible. I think I feel like it happens frequently. Also, sometimes it's
15:50
overstated, and that what I mean by that is I want everybody to be
15:56
encouraged that you're not stuck. Though it's a hard one to get through,
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that you're not stuck. There's something that I said earlier that will come into
16:06
play in a lot of these things. And one of those things is that
16:08
where you focus creates how you feel, but it also where you focus starts
16:14
creating your environment and your response to all the things around you. Well,
16:18
sometimes when people know about their mother or father wound that they may have,
16:26
they get embedded more into that wound than they do actually moving through the experience.
16:30
And remember I said, everything that we need is inside of us already,
16:36
and so if they get embedded in this thing, and it's like addiction
16:38
in any other thing, like, the more you start staring at it and
16:41
getting inside of there, then the consciousness, the subconsciousness and all that starts
16:48
flowing and you fight with the wrong thing basically. So what is it,
16:52
Well, what it is is you have to start understanding more about who you
16:56
are and who you are so that you can produce something else in your life.
17:00
And that focus doesn't make the situations go away, because the situations have
17:04
already happened, right, But it does start revealing who you actually are before
17:10
those situations happen. And that's what's important, is that we get to that
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part. Okay, And that makes a lot of sense because I don't think
17:18
we think about those things and Also, I don't think we think about our
17:22
parents as having lives before they had us. And that's one of the things
17:27
that I think we oftentimes miss, is that our parents were people before they
17:33
became parents, and so we tend to think, Okay, well, my
17:38
mom is my mom. She didn't have a life before me, and it's
17:44
like, Okay, well, she actually did have a life before me.
17:48
My dad had a life before me, and he now has a life after
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me, and he's still learning and he's still growing. And things that I
17:57
learned about my mom during her transition over onto the other side is that she
18:04
had a lot of trauma that she carried for years. And I learned that
18:11
the way that she loved me was a level of protection because her absence was
18:19
actually protecting me from the person she was. And yeah, and it took
18:27
me being with her during those final months every day learning more about the person
18:36
she was before she had me, because I knew the person she was as
18:41
growing up and the hurtful things that she said and things of that nature.
18:45
And it was basically her way of protecting herself for not being able to receive
18:52
love in a way that she thought that didn't come with pain. And it
18:57
was hard to watch her in a sense of receiving love that didn't cause her
19:07
and so being able to hug her and embrace her and tell her that she
19:12
didn't do anything wrong, that the way that she was taught was not a
19:19
genuine sense of love. But she didn't have to do anything for me to
19:25
love her. And once she understood that, she was able to receive more
19:30
of the love that family gave to her before she was she left, you
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know, And I think that was a blessing in disguise because she was able
19:40
to receive that even though she had been down a road of alcoholism, drug
19:47
addiction and all of that, that even though she was running from receiving,
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she still didn't push people away enough to where she did not have the love
19:59
before she you left. Yeah, Now you speak to a very important thing
20:03
that everybody needs to know that's inside of us, which is that just because
20:07
we come from something or a hard situation doesn't mean that we can't create something
20:11
else. And you were able to take her hurts and somehow get to a
20:15
love part and give that back to her. That's huge In part of that
20:21
the recipe that you described in there that I want to highlight is the idea
20:26
that when people are hurting and going to hurt somebody else, a lot of
20:32
times we have to reduce. If I'm hurting somebody, I have to reduce
20:36
them before I can hurt them. So the idea that she would abandon you,
20:41
or the idea that she would call you names, or any other kind
20:44
of reduction that she would do, You're right on when you say, like,
20:48
I know she had to do those things in order to continue to even
20:52
like have me in her life or somehow it's helping me, right. So
20:56
it reminds me of the story of Joseph, because Joseph, Joseph got abandoned
20:59
by his brothers, not just a battle like Solda, and then he got
21:03
accused by the wife of the pharaoh, and then and then you know what
21:08
I mean, and so like, it kept happening to them over and over
21:11
again. But at the end of the day he knew, he said,
21:14
he told his brothers, you know, uh, you guys meant it for
21:18
evil, but God right. And that's a huge thing for us to be
21:23
able to recognize in the hardship of our relationships, because a lot of times
21:30
we think, why is this hardship happening, I need to control something to
21:33
make it happen differently. You know, imagine any of those things. Go
21:37
to that Joseph story real quick. If if if you would have said,
21:40
no, I'm not going to jail, I'm not doing this thing. You
21:42
know, if he would have bucked all those systems, he wouldn't have been
21:47
able to do the things he did for his family in the long term.
21:48
So the idea that says that we just need to keep doing the things that
21:52
we need to do to be who it is that we need to be in
21:56
these moments, it's a huge deal. So to see that for you happened,
22:00
I think it's like a huge highlight that we need to be able to
22:03
let people know about. Right, And I will be honest, The most
22:07
hurtful thing that my mom ever said to me, and I was twelve years
22:11
old, and I think my sarcasm and just my ability to brush things off,
22:18
the most hurtful thing she said to me was that she wished that I
22:21
was dead. And I was twelve, and you know that was hard to
22:25
hear as a twelve year old little girl. However, me being who I
22:29
am, I made a joke out of it, and I said, Okay,
22:33
well, whoever made you mad today has nothing to do with me,
22:37
and it's kind of late to kill me now, so if you do,
22:42
you're going to go to jail for murder. And I don't think that's what
22:45
she want to do. And so my mom, even though she was mad
22:49
at me when she said it me being who I am, she laughed at
22:55
me and just like just get away from me, like you know, it
22:57
is what it is. I'm just saying, if you want to commit murder,
23:00
I don't think you'll look good in an orange jumpsuit, but you know
23:04
you have that choice. And so I feel like being able to overlook her
23:15
her harshness was easy for me to do because I knew that she wasn't meaning
23:22
it in a harmful way. It was her way of protecting herself. And
23:30
I know I could be a very bitter person through all of the things that
23:34
I've gone through and the hurtful things that people have said to me. It's
23:40
easy to hurt someone else because you've been hurt, but I've never used that
23:47
as a way of hurting someone else because I know the pain that comes with
23:52
that, and so it takes a lot though, to not be angry and
23:59
to not be bitter and to use that for positive And I've had so many
24:07
people say, you know, why aren't you angry, Why aren't you bitter?
24:11
Well, that doesn't mean no good to be angry and bitter to hurt
24:15
someone else, because I've experienced that. But I used all of that as
24:19
a way of loving me despite what was going on, Because hurting someone else
24:30
in the midst of being hurt you, you don't get anything from that at
24:36
all. Right, Yeah, it's so true, like you actually end up
24:41
becoming a part of whatever their pain is more than anything down on it.
24:45
You know, we we don't we don't need to intensify the hurt that's gonna
24:48
already come from the outside. Yeah, So it's super serving for us to
24:55
be able to just say, like, I don't need to return it,
24:59
and I can give something else different actually, you know, right, And
25:03
and that's it's a hard hard it's a hard task, you know, especially
25:07
whenever we feel frustrated or when when they touch on something that's a big deal
25:12
for us. But day, Yeah, it really is a big deal for
25:17
us to be able to do that and see it differently. Yeah, I
25:19
could have easily turned my back on my mom every single time she needed me,
25:26
and I didn't do that, and it was one of the things that
25:30
my kids oftentimes didn't understand. And even when family members would say bad things
25:38
about me, my daughter was one of the ones. She was like,
25:41
mine, why are you always nice to other people? And I said,
25:45
well, whatever they're going through has nothing to do with me. You know,
25:49
whatever they're hurting has nothing to do with me. So I don't have
25:53
to retaliate against them, and I don't have to give them back what they
25:59
gave to me, because ultimately they'll need me again, and so I'm still
26:04
going to be there regardless of the hurtful things. And that's one of the
26:07
things that I can say is that God will humble you in the space in
26:12
which people created a horrible space, but He will humble you and make you
26:18
need those same people that you hurt again. And I've seen that several times
26:23
where people have been very spiteful, very mean, very hurtful to me,
26:29
but those same people turn right around and needed me again. And I'm just
26:33
going to be there because that's just who He's created me to be. Is
26:36
it easy? Sometimes, No, it's definitely not. But I don't want
26:40
to be them, and I think that's the blessing for me, is that
26:45
I don't want to be them. Yeah, that is, it's a huge
26:48
deal. Can we stay focused on that? And that actually is a daily
26:52
focus, you know, and we have to constantly exercise that muscle, so
26:59
to speak. Is like being able to focus on the right thing and not
27:02
get caught up in the battle of things outside of us, you know.
27:06
And the more we can do that, we're going to constantly be in a
27:08
safe space for our hearts. Right now, another question that I have,
27:15
do you think we know how to because arguments are gonna come up, but
27:22
I don't think we effectively know how to argue without causing someone else pain.
27:29
Do you have any tips on how to argue effectively without causing pain to someone
27:37
else? Yeah? I do. So. The first thing that we talked
27:41
about earlier was I don't need somebody to do something different for me to be
27:45
okay. So if i'm if I'm arguing, there's two reasons. One is
27:52
have fun, you know, excuse me to have fun, you know.
27:56
That's I think it's useful to be able to describe our points and have difference
28:00
is I think it growth helps me. But I don't need somebody to change,
28:04
and that's that's really important. And so so we allow differences in the
28:10
relationship. That's the other reason, all right, So I don't need somebody
28:12
to do something different for me to be okay, that's that's important. But
28:18
then I can't give out insults. I can't be insulting to my to my
28:22
partner whenever I am arguing. If I do any kind of belittling or like,
28:27
well, you would know if you know, those kinds of things are
28:30
not going to be helpful whenever we're doing the argument. And then I don't
28:34
want to threaten, right, So if if we can take those things out
28:41
of the argument, not needing somebody to do something different at the end of
28:45
the day, being able to say, like, I'm not going to do
28:48
an insult and and and at some some way I'm going to take all of
28:55
that out. Now I could just go to do the arguing and we can
28:59
underst and at the end of the day, I am different you are.
29:03
That's why we're together. If I was just wanting to be with me,
29:06
I would have stayed alone, right, So being able to go back and
29:11
forth and see different opinions is a huge deal. The other part that I
29:15
would I would tell everybody about is like, if you're trying to figure out
29:19
whether something's true or not in an argument, you know, like what's right
29:23
or what's wrong, the one thing you'll notice is like, there's no argument
29:29
for truth, So what are we really battling over. You know, at
29:33
the end of the day, everything that goes up must come down, right.
29:37
Can you suspend it? Yeah, you could suspend it for a little
29:40
bit of time, but leave it to itself long enough it's coming down,
29:42
right. And so the idea here is that once if it's true, it's
29:48
true. So I don't even need to convince anybody of that. They'll get
29:52
to it if it's true, right, I don't need to stand there and
29:56
say like, hey, understand this and know this and let me shake you
29:59
in till you know. I don't do that because if it's true, it's
30:02
true. So there's no argument. And the last thing that I would say
30:04
to everybody is there's a saying and if you know where it comes from,
30:10
then then you understand it a little bit better. But you know, don't
30:12
cast pearls before swine. You know and at the end of the day,
30:17
like some people just aren't ready. So when we go to arguing with our
30:21
partners, it could be me or my partner right when we go to arguing,
30:26
sometimes putting things out there to somebody when they're not in a place to
30:30
receive it is useless. It's useless for me to say to my wife like,
30:38
hey, you know what, you're driving too fast when she really feels
30:42
like she has to get somewhere right, like, like, it's useless and
30:48
about you know, like so it's it's really thinking about those things as much
30:53
as possible to kind of understand that. Look, there's a there is just
30:59
a different way of being. And the last thing that I'll say is like,
31:03
if you want somebody on your side, you probably got to wrap your
31:06
arms around them before you shout in their face, right, because when you're
31:10
shouting in somebody's face, they don't really want to hear you. But if
31:12
you have your arms around them and you're next to them and then you show
31:15
them like this, they want to automatically look where you're looking right, pointing
31:21
up. Everybody's starting to point up and look too, And you don't even
31:23
want to do or say anything right. So the goal is like, don't
31:27
shout in somebody's face. Just start pointing up right, just start showing and
31:33
demonstrate where you want it to be and be that and it follows, you
31:37
know, people follow them, and so yeah, I think it's useful for
31:41
arguments. Yeah. Now, we were talking before we came on air about
31:47
these different relationship podcasts that are pinning male against female. What are your opinions
31:57
on that? Because for me, it's like we're fighting against, you know,
32:05
each other when we're supposed to be coming together because you can't have one
32:09
without the other. And it's like, well, men don't have emotional intelligence.
32:17
Women are too emotional, So how do we get to a common space?
32:23
Because I see them and I hear them, and I'm like, oh
32:29
my god, no side is either listening to the other. They both want
32:34
to try to prove a point of not being heard, but no one's listening.
32:39
So how can you actually complain about the one thing that you're neither side
32:45
is doing right? Right? Right? So it's super entertaining, it is,
32:52
So I think that's that's the goal of it. Unfortunately, people mistake
32:57
sometimes like entertainment for ways of being true and belonging in the world and in
33:05
relationships. So if I see something that's in entertainment that I connect with,
33:08
I automatically assume that that's the way. And here the hard thing about that
33:15
is that that scenario or that podcast or that situation, whatever it is,
33:21
is entertaining us doesn't care about you. Right, that's the difference, Like
33:27
we got to get with somebody who cares about us, or get with something
33:30
that we know is meant for us in order for us to understand really what
33:35
the design of relationship should be, what the design of us as people is.
33:39
Right, we need to get with that kind of understanding if we're really
33:44
searching. So don't allow entertainment to raise you, right, I think that's
33:47
important. Is that make the separation out of like what it's for if we
33:52
go to be entertained and be entertained, but if we are going to get
33:57
relationship advice and validation, don't go of those things. Go to somebody who
34:00
cares about you, or find a source that is all about you and where
34:06
you come from. And I think that those kinds of scenarios are much better
34:09
to get our information from the separation of or putting man versus female, you
34:19
know, in relationships with anytime we try to do those kinds of scenarios,
34:23
it doesn't help that we box one person into a scenario or a kind of
34:30
person. That's not helpful. The bigger question is, like, what's my
34:34
vision for my relationship? Right? Once I could set out that goal and
34:38
commit to it, everything changes. It doesn't matter how masculine, how femininem
34:43
I am. None of that stuff matters. Like where I come from,
34:46
what kind of child, None of that stuff matters. Because if I set
34:51
a goal out and I have a vision and I make commitment to that,
34:54
I will do everything that it takes to get through and do those things that
34:59
I need to. Now those things are mattering a little bit because it makes
35:04
it difficult for me to realize my vision. Like I was raised a certain
35:07
way and that's making it difficult for me to be the husband that I want
35:10
to be. I need to go that scenario. So that's when it comes
35:15
to play. But initially it's not in play at all. Right, my
35:19
understanding of who I'm supposed to be as a wife, my understanding of who
35:22
I'm supposed to be as a husband, it's jaded by what I've experienced people.
35:25
But I still have in my mind that I'm trying to reach that pinnacle
35:30
of being right. And if that's the case, then now I pursue that
35:35
and I start looking at what are the beliefs that are stopping me? What
35:37
are the new beliefs that I need to which that part is much harder.
35:42
The new beliefs that I need to have, is harder than understanding the beliefs
35:45
that I have already. Right, So it's just being able to put in
35:49
those new beliefs and start trying to grind on those and put them in our
35:52
life. That's where it starts coming in and everything changes. We don't get
35:55
that from being entertained in the podcast scenarios, right. I feel like it's
36:01
when people say relationship goals based upon someone else's relationship is hilarious to me because
36:10
it's like, you don't know what happens when those cameras are off. You
36:15
have a snapshot of time, and so if you're basing what you see into
36:21
being part of your relationship, you've been misinformed, in my opinion, simply
36:28
because they did this for entertainment purposes and it may seem like, yeah,
36:34
he's opening up the car doors he's fixing dinner, he's running a bubble bath,
36:38
he's doing all of these things, and then the instant that cameras turned
36:44
off, he's called her every name under the sun, and she's returned to
36:47
favor. And it's like, but those are your relationship goals. You have
36:52
no idea, So set the standard for yourself and what you would expect and
36:58
the person that you want your partner to be proud of, and when you
37:02
want yourself to be proud of. We were having a conversation me and a
37:07
friend of mine the other day when we were talking about trust, and it's
37:14
like, you trust your partner, but at the same time, I feel
37:19
like trust you have to trust yourself enough first in order for you to be
37:23
able to trust someone else. So if you trust yourself to not intentionally hurt
37:29
cause yourself any harm, then you know what you don't need to do.
37:32
Now we're gonna cause unintentional harm because that's natural because there's this thing that is
37:39
uncommunicated expectations that the other partner has for the other one. But they never
37:45
communicated what they expect the partner to do and not do, and so that's
37:50
the unintentional hurt. So if you don't know what your partner's triggers are because
37:54
they've never expressed them to you, then you cause that unintentional hurt which comes
38:00
in, well you broke my trust. Well, how did I break the
38:02
trust when I never knew that this was an issue for you? You know?
38:07
So if you trust yourself enough to know that I'm not going to cause
38:10
myself any harm or any pain, and I'm not going to put myself in
38:15
a position to where I'm going to do anything that's going to cause you any
38:19
harm, then the trust is harder to be broken in that capacity. That's
38:22
just my thoughts on that. What are yours? Yeah, so I would
38:27
even take that a step further. It's not popular concept, but it's a
38:30
useful one. So us being able to trust somebody else, that's a buzz
38:37
thing. Like, you know, us having trust issues and those kinds of
38:39
things. It's less important for us to be able to trust other people because
38:45
we really don't know what other people are going to do, right, And
38:47
I explain with that is just giving us anxiety and worry about things. So
38:52
what we need a step further from the trust that you just described is us
38:57
also being able to trust ourselves to deal with the outcomes of things that are
39:00
either good or bad. So whatever the outcome is, I could deal us
39:06
being able to trust like that gets us to take our mind off of like
39:08
what will happen if this person do that? Well? Can I trust us?
39:12
Right? It doesn't matter if whatever that person does, whatever that person
39:17
is doing. I need to be able to trust myself to deal with the
39:21
outcomes right in this that I'm creating in my life period. Right, And
39:25
so if we can again here's this word again, where we can switch focus.
39:30
If we can switch focus to the right area of trust, then we
39:34
can build on that more and it gives us something different our relationship. Now
39:37
we don't have to art. That takes away a certain amount of argument pieces
39:42
to have a trust issues conversation. I just need to be able to trust
39:45
myself, and that's easier said than done sometimes. But I need to be
39:49
able to trust myself to deal with all the outcomes, whether good or bad
39:52
in between, and allow myself to just pursue me at a higher level.
39:59
Right, I agree with that, because if you can trust yourself in being
40:04
able to deal with the outcome, to be able to deal with the scenario
40:07
because I know for women. For me, sometimes I'll play a scenario in
40:13
my head of what I think the outcome might be, and it's never the
40:20
bad, the worst of the situation. Like me and my son were talking
40:22
about this in the car, and it was basically, I always set myself
40:29
up to receive the bad news first before anything ever happens, like if I
40:34
ask for help sometimes, which I struggle with asking for help for anything,
40:39
but I'm learning, I'm getting better. It's still a slow process. But
40:44
if I ask for something, I'm already preparing myself to receive bad news so
40:50
that the blow isn't as bad because I've already expected the worst. And we
40:54
were talking about that and he was like, I'm pretty much the same way.
40:59
So it lessons the hurt that's gonna come with the no or whatever.
41:05
And I think that's a protective mechanism that we all have when it comes to
41:10
lessening the hurt that someone else could cause, even if we set ourselves up
41:15
to ask the question. Yeah, yeah, absolutely, I mean, and
41:21
those are part of the things that we've experienced a lot of times, you
41:24
know, like and we end up trying to figure out a way that like
41:28
how am I gonna work this out in my life now, ye right,
41:31
so that so that I can be okay. And so it's it's huge that
41:36
we discovered different ways of coping that are going to be useful to our growth.
41:39
And that's really important as we make it useful to our growth more than
41:43
anything. Yeah, And I feel like as we get older, I'm forty
41:49
five now, and it's like, oh, Lord, have mercy. I
41:53
still got a lot to learn about relationships. I was telling you about one
41:59
of my co work. She was like, she does not know how to
42:01
relationship and she's been single for over twenty six years. And so I told
42:09
her, I said, you know, it's not that I don't think that
42:13
you know how to do relationships. You're still hurt by the pain that your
42:17
ex husband caused and you don't know how to receive, you know. So
42:23
you've got a whole defense mechanism up and you've not allowed anybody else to get
42:30
close to you because of the hurt that someone else caused. So when you're
42:36
able and when you're ready to let go of the hurt, you'll be able
42:40
to receive a little bit more. But until you can be honest enough with
42:45
yourself and stop trying to sell everybody else that you're not hurt, that you're
42:49
not bothered, then you'll be able to be open a little bit more to
42:52
starting something new with someone else. And I think she was able to receive
43:00
that a little bit more than anything, because she realized that she still was
43:05
carrying on a lot more hurt than she realized. You know, a lot
43:10
of times those scars kind of run deep, and we do different things to
43:15
try to escape the pain of those situations. It's bravery too. Like I
43:21
remember, I'll give a brief snippet of it, but I remember a scenario
43:23
when I was little and I thought somebody was in my closet. And the
43:28
short part of the story is that basically, eventually I got to a point
43:30
where I was like, I'm gonna go check this out. I was so
43:34
afraid for so long, and I get to check it out. And as
43:37
we probably know, like it wasn't anybody in my closet, it was with
43:44
the arm and all that stuff, but so anyways, it was in there,
43:47
and so sometimes we just need to be willing to check it out.
43:52
But part of that is that we need to understand how we're designed. See
43:57
if I understand more about me. What I'm gonna understand is that actually there
44:01
is something inside of me, whether I shut it down or not, there
44:06
is something inside of me that says, like my ultimate version is inside of
44:09
a relationship. And I can feel that, you know, I can feel
44:14
like there's something. And there's different ways that people like you know, develop
44:17
some other kind of companionship, you know, and everybody will have their own.
44:21
But the important thing is to know that there's something inside of us to
44:25
unite, you know, And so as that happens, it's bravery that will
44:30
allow us to be able to pursue that. It's that courage that will allow
44:34
us to pursue that. And that goes back to what we were talking about
44:37
earlier, where we need to be able to trust ourselves to deal with the
44:38
outcomes. You know, Like in your friend scenario, she can get twenty
44:44
more divorces, know that she's capable. That won't probably happen, but just
44:47
know that she's capable, you know. And I think that that's the most
44:51
important thing is that, yeah, people, there's no guarantee that the next
44:54
one is not going to be a hard scenario, and we don't want to
44:59
go yeah, but we can still pursue higher versions of us and keep getting
45:04
better at that scenario, you know. And the look, yeah, I
45:09
think. And that reminds me of the quote from Home Alone, Home Alone.
45:15
I think It's two where he was lost in New York and he was
45:20
talking to the lady in the and the opera house, and she was talking
45:25
about her heart and how she didn't want to get hurt again, and so
45:31
he was like, well, how do you know your heart's broken if you've
45:36
never used it again. So if you've never used it, then it's pretty
45:40
much the same. You don't know if it's if it's any good if you
45:45
never decide to use it again. So you have to see if you're still
45:50
capable of love by using it, you know. So I thought that was
45:53
a really profound quote from that movie. Now I'm paraphrasing, but that was
45:58
the gist of what he said. And so she had never thought about it
46:01
in that capacity because she was hurt by her husband leaving, and so she
46:09
never decided to love again because she was afraid. And he was like,
46:14
you know, it's not broken, you just haven't used it in a long
46:19
time. So if you haven't used it, you don't know whether or not
46:22
it's broken. You have to be able to put it into use and to
46:27
practice. It's like, you know, you haven't ridden a bike in a
46:30
long time, but you know that you have the skill, So are you
46:34
willing to get on the bike again. Yeah, you might fall, you
46:36
might lose your balance a little bit, but as you keep going, you
46:39
get better with it over time. And I think sometimes we want to run
46:45
from the things that cause us hurt and cause us pain because it was too
46:50
hard to feel the first time. But that's how we get scars, that's
46:54
how we heal, that's how we go through life. You're gonna all down
47:00
a couple of times, you're gonna get some scrapes, you're gonna get some
47:02
bruises. But are you willing to get up and experience that again? You
47:08
know? I feel like, you know, one of those things, like
47:14
my children's father and I we were together for thirteen years, and it was
47:20
hard because he was the only man that I had known for so long,
47:22
and I was single for a while, and I didn't want to be in
47:28
a relationship or anything because I was like, you know, all y'all say
47:31
the same stuff. But then I had to realize everybody's not the same.
47:37
People are different, and I had to learn, I had to grow.
47:42
I had to say, Okay, maybe he ain't as bad as the first
47:45
one, and maybe he ain't as bad as the last one, you know,
47:50
And so I gave myself grace. I gave myself the permission to love
47:58
and receive love, because it's one of those things. And this is a
48:02
scenario that I give all the time, and that is, you ask someone
48:09
for twenty dollars, but you're not opening your hand to receive the twenty dollars
48:15
and you're wondering why you can't get it, and they're offering it to you,
48:19
but you won't open your hands to receive. You're not willing to open
48:22
your hands to receive what you ask for. So it's not that they're not
48:27
willing to give it to you, it's just that you're not open to receiving
48:30
it. So you got to be open to receiving what you're asking for.
48:35
And once I made that, it makes sense to myself. It was like,
48:39
oh, Okay, I want the twenty dollars, but I'm not even
48:43
opening my hand to receive it. They've been offering it for the longest.
48:46
But I'm like, M, now I don't want it. You want yeah,
48:52
yeah, yeah, it's so true. And you know, circling back
48:55
to your friend. And this whole concept that we're talking about is like it
49:00
doesn't even need to even be and want I want this even for your audience
49:02
and knows like it doesn't need to be about getting a relationship. Starting point
49:09
is not there. Just pursue the highest version of you see where it takes
49:14
you. And what's interesting is I already know where it's going to take us,
49:16
you know what I mean, Like you start doing things and doing good.
49:21
Let's say you're running a business and you're doing everything good, and you'd
49:23
be like, what's the one thing I haven't done yet? Right, relationship?
49:29
And that's when the call starts coming in, you know. And so
49:32
I think that it's important you know that everybody knows not about like going after
49:37
a relationship and trying to pull it in. It's more about like, just
49:42
do the work on you do a relationship with yourself. First start there,
49:47
I'm that person, right, become that person. And then as you become
49:52
that person, you'll see there won't be any shortage of people available to you.
49:57
And so I think that's the first relationship to start with. It's not
50:00
matter going out and finding somebody to have relationship with, And it doesn't even
50:05
matter if it's romantic relationship with family relationship. Doing the relationship with you first
50:09
and let your shine happen so everybody can get that, right. Yeah,
50:14
And I think That's been one of my greatest gifts that I've gave given to
50:19
myself, is to fall in love with me, because you know, I
50:23
know I can be a lot to deal with, but at the same time,
50:30
I know the love that I give to other people as well. So
50:34
if I love me in that capacity, just imagine what I can how I
50:39
can love someone else. And so falling in love with me has been one
50:44
of my greatest gifts to myself. And I love me. Do I get
50:47
on my nerves sometimes? Of course I do, But I admit that,
50:52
you know, because I know that if I'm getting on my own nerves and
50:58
I need a nap, I'm gonna go take me a night down somewhere.
51:02
Yeah. You know, you gotta be able to, like I enjoyed my
51:07
own company. That is one of my greatest things for myself, you know,
51:13
especially when COVID hit and people were just going crazy because they had to
51:17
be at home and things of that nature. And you know, I have
51:22
people they're like, you're not going crazy. No, I love me,
51:25
you know, I love me. And I am in here and enjoying myself.
51:29
I got my color and books. I'm in here, color and listening
51:32
to music, having me a whole concert, doing all of this stuff.
51:37
I am enjoying me. What is wrong with you that you can't enjoy your
51:40
own company? That's the problem. Yeah, yeah, absolutely absolutely. That's
51:46
a big time ourselves and be able to create that relationship with ourselves. If
51:52
we don't like being around us, how can we expect somebody else to better?
51:55
Exactly? That is it. But you know, we can continue this
52:00
conversation all night, So we're definitely gonna have to do another one because I
52:08
feel like building these healthy relationships. And this is a topic that covers many
52:14
many dynamics, and as long as we have an open dialogue, we'll never
52:21
run out of things to talk about when it comes to building healthy relationships and
52:24
being able to know when to take a break from ourselves and when to take
52:30
a break from our partners, and when to look for support from someone else.
52:37
I feel like all relationships, friendships, parenting, relationships, all of
52:43
those things are important, and you have to start with self and understanding when
52:47
you can correct yourself, knowing when to correct yourself, because sometimes we always
52:52
want to point the finger at someone else instead of taking the blame for ourselves.
52:58
But acknowledge you're wrong for self. It's very very important. And so
53:02
when we start to do that, checking ourselves before we check someone else.
53:07
I always tell myself, check yourself in the mirror before you go and check
53:09
someone else, because if you can't check yourself, don't expect anybody else to
53:14
listen to you, because you haven't even acknowledged your own self at all.
53:19
But I thank you for being here, and we'll definitely have to do another
53:23
one. I'm not sure when, but I'll be in touch to do that.
53:29
But how can our guests get in contact with you if they have questions
53:32
and want to continue the conversation outside of tonight. Yeah, so go to
53:37
du shinecampus dot com and we have actually me and my wife have a lunch
53:44
date that we have up there that's ongoing to people are walkome to join that.
53:49
But then also you can get a hold of me. People can get
53:51
a hold of me. Couples can get a hold of me to work with
53:54
me or have conversation or yeah, send me an email. So all those
53:59
things are there if you go to the Shine Campus dot com and reach out.
54:04
All right, well, I thank you, and I thank you everybody
54:07
for tuning in. This is episode number two of Believing the Journey. And
54:12
as I always say, stay out of God's business because the only thing that
54:15
he needs you to do is be obedient to what he's called you to do.
54:19
I will see you guys in two weeks, so have a wonderful night,
54:22
and thanks again for tuning in to believe in the Journey. Good night,
54:28
You're welcome. I don't min