Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 426. Navigating attachment styles, long distance relationships & breakups. (Headnoise)

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426. Navigating attachment styles, long distance relationships & breakups. (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: So today's episode is a head noise episode. I am
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: answering your questions. We've got questions about breaking up a
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: long distance relationship, moving versus not moving, avoidant attachment. Just
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: there's a lot to pack into today's episode. These are
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: your voice message episodes. So these are the ones that
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: you guys have submitted your voice messages through the website.
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: If you are tempted to do so, just.
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: Head to www dot dyfmpod dot com and you can
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: submit your voice message. If you don't want it to
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: be your voice but you really want to get your
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: fucking question answered, you can also email in to info
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: at dyfnpod dot com and we will endeavor to get
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: to your question. Also, just so you guys know, when
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: we go and troll through the questions and decide which
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: questions we're going to answer.
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: It's not in chronological order. We just sometimes want specific
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: head noise questions to.
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Be maybe about in laws, or about relationships or all
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: kinds of things. But sometimes we'll answer a question from
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: months ago. Sometimes we'll answer a question from that same week.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: So don't think that if your question didn't get answered
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: this week that it's never going to be answered because
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: it's not chronological at all. Okay, now let's get straight
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: into it. We have the first one. This is titled
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: breaking Up Long Distance.
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: Hi Alexis, I really love your podcast. I was just
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: wondering bit of advice for my dilemma. So my boyfriend
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: and I've been dating for eight months and he's going
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: traveling all of next year, and we've decided that we're
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: going to break up for that because just long distance
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: isn't going to work. But I was wondering, would I'd
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: be better to cut my own losses off now and
• 2:12
  Speaker 3: break it off now or in six months time when
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: he does leave. And I do really like the guy,
• 2:21
  Speaker 3: but I'm getting so many mixed opinions from friends that
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: I've asked advice from. But I'd really love an unbiased
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: opinion on this situation. Thanks.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: Great question, Great fucking question. Okay.
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: I think it ultimately comes down to what it is
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: that you are looking for in this relationship. Because you
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: know it's going to come to an end, so that's
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: for sure, right, But you might just be like, it's
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: going to come to an end. I've come to terms
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: with that. I'm at peace with that. We're both at
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: peace with that. But I'm kind of looking for a
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: companion I want to enjoy my time with. I'm not
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: really fussed on the fact that it's got no longevity.
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: I like doing certain things on the.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: Weekends, whatever, and it's something that i'd like.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: To Undertand if that's what you're looking for, then there's
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: nothing wrong with waiting the six months until he goes
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: and having a really amicable breakup when he goes, and
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: you guys are both on the same page and you
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: can say you're nice goodbyes. That's perfectly healthy, and as
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: long as you're both communicating that, there's nothing wrong with that.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: Personally for me, I, when I would ever date, I'm
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: only dating someone that.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I see myself, that I see a future with.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: I would never personally again, I, as a Lexis, never
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: wanted to ever date somebody unless I saw no end
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: to this relationship.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: It's not to say that there would never be an end,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: but I don't want to foresee an end, right.
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: I have a very good, you know, social life. I
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: really enjoyed my time alone. Time is very very press
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: I thought investing into someone that i'm dating if I
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: know it's going to end to me, isn't worth it it.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: Also, if I am looking at having.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: A serious relationship in the future, me dating someone exclusively
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: does block me out of other things, whether it's meeting
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: someone that I probably never would have given the time
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: of day two because my head's just not there, whether
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: it's doing other things, other experiences with friends or family
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: because I wanted to dedicate time.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: To this person.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I just never saw the value in dating someone where
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: I could see there was an end to it. If
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I could see there was an end to it, it
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: means that it's already ended in my head, and I
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: would call it okay. So it really comes down to
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: what is it that you want, Because if you are
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: like no, I, if I'm going to date, it's because
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: they are a long term thing and we're committing and
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: this is my person. So then if they're not your person,
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: and if you are going to break up the and
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I don't see the point in being together. It's not
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: that you can't have an amicable relationship, it's not that
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: you can't still see each other.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Casually here and there as friends.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: But as far as being exclusive right up until the
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: day that that person leaves would I personally would cut
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: it for those reasons. I also don't think it's unhealthy
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: to stay longer if you have different reasons as to
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: why you date someone. I know people that enjoy dating
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: someone even exclusively, even if it's temporary. They're like, this
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: is not a long term thing, but we're having fun whatever,
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: And if that's how you both feel, again, it comes
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: down to open communication between the two, and it's obvious
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: that you are sure that you are absolutely from both
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: ends that you guys are not going to follow through
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: with you know, trying long distance and all that. Both
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: if you it seems that both of you are in
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: agreeance with that, and if you were to ever get
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: back together, it would only be after he came back.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: You would be two different versions of yourselves. He would
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: have had this crazy personal growth of his just try
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: for a year. I just feel like I don't again,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: for what I would want in a relationship, I would
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: end it now amicably.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: It wouldn't be out of spite.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: I would just end it being like, I also don't
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: want to waste my time, and this could potentially waste
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: my time. It could waste me having a really cool
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: interaction with someone else that I could meet. It could
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: waste my time in recovering and healing from the fact
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: that we've broken up and now I've got to go
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: through the heartbreak of that and then heal because it
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: might it might seem easy looking at it from the outside,
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: but then when it actually happens, you probably miss him
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: more than you realized. And I would rather start healing
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: now than healing in six months time.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to prolong my healing.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: I also don't like this looming date six months away.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: Now it's three months away, now it's two months away,
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: now it's.
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: I would cut my losses.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I would be like, you're a fucking legend, and I
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: really want the best for you, but this is just
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: not going to work for me, right because it's all
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: well and good for you. You get to go friend fun, fun, fun, fun,
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: fin and fun, and then see ya, and then you're
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: not going to suffer that much when you go, because
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: the person that leaves never suffers as much as the
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: one that stays.
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: And the reason for that.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: Is because there is no, no, not a big enough void,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: because they have so much filling up, especially if you're traveling,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: especially if you're not just relocating to another place and
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: still doing the same job.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: If you're traveling, you.
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: Are there's experience, new connections, new people find there is
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: that there's so much going on. Yeah, you miss people
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: at home, but there's also so much to fill up your.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Mind and your awareness, and you're entertained.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: The person that stays, it's like everything has stayed the same,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: except this person is now missing. So it's a lot
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: harder for the one that stays. So you have to
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: be looking out for yourself. So if you want a
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: long term partner and you are wanting your person otherwise
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: you want to be single and really thriving.
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: End it now.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: If you're someone that's like, no, I don't give a
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: fuck about that. I just like companionship in general, and
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be fine when he goes, then stay
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: fuck it.
• 7:52
  Speaker 2: Fuck it.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: You know, as long as you both open and honest
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: with each other, there's no harm either way.
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: But I would cut it now for me personally. Next
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: one moving versus not.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: Hi, lexis, thank you so much for your podcast that
• 8:07
  Speaker 4: has helped me so much over the last five years.
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: I can't thank you enough. So I have been living
• 8:13
  Speaker 4: in the same city for thirty years, I haven't moved,
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: I didn't go to college very far, and I feel
• 8:18
  Speaker 4: like I'm just kind of stuck. So my pillars are
• 8:21
  Speaker 4: really high when it comes to my friend group here,
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: my family. I bought a condo here in the city
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: that I grew up in, and so I feel really
• 8:29
  Speaker 4: accomplished in those senses, but I still feel stuck. And
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: in your podcast, you've talked about moving and you know,
• 8:35
  Speaker 4: your friends understanding, your family understanding, and you know it's
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: only a year lease and all that stuff. But truthfully,
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: I just there's something that's holding me back from moving.
• 8:46
  Speaker 4: I've talked about moving down to San Diego, California for
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: the last probably ten years, and I just have not
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: done it. And I don't know why I didn't do
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: it ten years ago. But here we are again, kind
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: of contemplating the same thing over and over and over again.
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: And I'm sure there's other people that have felt this way.
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: But what is your best advice on, you know, leaving
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: some of these pillars that you have one hundred percent
• 9:07
  Speaker 4: in and starting fresh and going back to you know,
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: ground one and zero. It's like, I just don't know
• 9:12
  Speaker 4: if I have the confidence to truly start over again
• 9:15
  Speaker 4: with my friend group and missing my family and stuff.
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: So any advice you can give on moving that would
• 9:20
  Speaker 4: be incredible. And I know that those podcasts that you've
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: talked about this, but I just want to hear it
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: from you again. But thank you so much, and any
• 9:28
  Speaker 4: advice you have I would much appreciate it. Thank you
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: so much.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: Okay, great question. I feel like when you are making
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: a decision like that of like I am moving to
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: San Diego, like there's this big decision you've come up
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: with this, it's huge, right you're moving, it's very finite.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: You're making a decision to move.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: You're leaving your friends, you're leaving your family, You're relocated permanent,
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: and it's quite a daunting thing. That's why you've been
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: saying it for ten years because it's quite a big decision.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: It's quite daunting.
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: And on top of that, your life at home is solid,
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: it's stable. You've got really stable relationships with your friends,
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: with your family. But obviously there's something that's pulling you
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: to San Diego. Otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to go
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: for ten years. And it's really hard to know if
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: we would thrive living someway unless we've experienced living there.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: You know, I feel like you could holiday somewhere a
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: thousand times over, but it's just not the same unless
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: you live there. So fair enough that you're having all
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: these you know, back and forth, back and forth with
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: your thoughts about moving because you're like, is this even
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: going to be a good decision?
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: Because yes, it's a really cool place, But.
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: Am I going to miss all my friends and family
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: and I'm very well established and all of this stuff.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: So what I would do if I were you is
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I would establish I would actually it's an exchange, okay,
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: And I would give myself a set time frame and
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: you're going to benefit. There's going to be multiple benefits
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: from this. I would say, I'm going for six months
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: or twelve months. I'd go no less than six six
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: is the minimum? Okay, six months or twelve months. Let's
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: call it twelve months. For the sake of this section,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: this what would be advice that I'm giving you. So
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: you're going to commit, I'm doing a twelve month exchange
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: to San Diego.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: I'm committing for twelve months.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: The beauty of that is you're not going to have
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: one foot in one door and one foot in the other.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: It is a full commitment.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: You know that at the end of the twelve months
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: you can just pull the fucking plug, being like, thank
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: you so much. That was a great experience, really enjoyed that.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: I'm coming home, okay.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: Because if you.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Go there thinking I'm moving, and you get there and
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: the first month is difficult and you miss people, you think, oh.
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: This is a fucking mistake. I don't know. I don't
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: know I'm coming back.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: So you wrap it up, you fucking come back, and
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: then you think, fuck, should I have done that? Maybe
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: I didn't give it enough of a chance, Maybe I
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: didn't really see it through.
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: Maybe maybe maybe with a year.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like when people go on an exchange
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: for university.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: They always most.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: Of the like i'd say ninety nine point nine percent
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: of people that go on in an exchange for a year,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: they're not all fuck once they're already there. They know
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: it's a year, there's a start, there's an end. They're like,
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna fucking maximize this year here for a year.
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: I'm going to milk it for what it's worth. They're
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: not thinking this is permanent. I'm never going back home.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: So they don't have these Yeah they'll miss home, but
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: it's nowhere near as scary, and therefore it allows them
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: to really be present in this experience. It allows them
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: to milk every day, every moment, every relationship, every encounter,
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: every you know, they have fun at their job. Even
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: if it's just like a shitty job, it doesn't matter.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: They're there for a good time. So that's what I
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: want you to do with this. I want you to go.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: I think you should go. And it doesn't have to necessary.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: We don't need to know if it's going to be
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: permanent or not. But what we do need to do
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: is commit wholeheartedly. Because you've got one foot in the
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: door and one foot out, you're not going to really
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: enjoy it. And currently right now you ah, you do
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: have one foot in the door on one foot out
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: because you've got this desire to go, and you've weighed
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: everything up.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: You've done like because in.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: My other episode I spoke about, you know, not really
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: valuing what you have and then letting it go for
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: something different. I don't think this falls. I don't think
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: you fall in that category because you're very well aware
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: of what you've got. You really appreciate your relationships and everything.
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: But you're saying, I've never lived anywhere else. This is
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: an experience I'd like to have. This doesn't come down
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: to me not being grateful for what I've got and
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: me not seeing what I've got in front of me.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: This comes down to knowing what I have, but also
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: knowing that I'm thirty years older and I really want
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: to know what it's like to live somewhere else. So therefore,
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: I think these are the perfect reasons for you to
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: do that. So pick a day that you're going to go.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Determine this is like, make it, make a strategic plan.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: How much money do I want saved before I go there?
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: Where exactly in San Diego would I like to live.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pick twelve months, and I'm going to
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: go for twelve months.
• 13:55
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: The beauty of that is when you go and you're
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: telling everyone, You tell everyone, I'm going for twelve months.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: It's a one year thing. I'm doing this for myself.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: I need to live outside of this place. It has
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: to happen. When you are there, you will miss them
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: less because you know you're back in twelve months, and
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: you might get to a point five months in being
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: like this is I'm sorry, but this is me.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: This is my fucking place. I'm going to miss.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: Everyone terribly, but I've found my place. I'm not coming
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: back up to twelve months like I'm this is it
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: for me. It has all aligned and if not, then
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: you can be like, I'm so fucking glad I came here.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: I get to experience this place that I love. I
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: don't think I could live away from my family and
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: friends forever, So this I'm so happy I've done this
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: now at this point in my life, instead of waiting
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: till i'm too lockdown in the city, maybe if I
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: had kids or whatever, where it would just be really
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: hard to.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: Do or not not possible at all.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: So now I'm like, this is just I'm so happy
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: that I've done it. How can I milk the next
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: six months while I'm here really make the most of it.
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: So way, when I look back in life, being like
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: the year I lived in San Diego, this is all
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: the things I did the year, and you can look
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: back with really fond memories.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: So it's a win win. But you have to go.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: And that's what I would do, And like I said,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: you could make it less time six months, but I
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: wouldn't go less than six because you really want to
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: experience living there. You can't just go for a month
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: and call it living there because it's kind of you
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: haven't really sunk your teeth into it, gotten a job,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: all of that. You want to live, You want a routine,
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: you want employment, you want everything. Okay, So please, if
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: you do that, I hope you do tell me because
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: I I'd love to have updates on your journey, and
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: anyone who's actually taken my advice or not, please just
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: write to me an update with the title saying update
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: on my journey, because I'd also love to read them
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: out to the audience.
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: But yeah, so you're gonna pick.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: A day, You're gonna have strategic about it, give yourself
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: enough time to save.
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: You might have already saved. This might be sooner than
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: you realize.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: And you're going to commit to a time from six
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: to twelve months, no less than six, ideally twelve, and
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: you're gonna fucking go.
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: Okay, you will get your answer regardless.
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: You'll either be like I found my place, I'm never
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: looking back, no matter how much I love my family
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: and friends, or you're going to be so grateful that
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: you went on that journey and had that awesome year
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: away and then you're able to come home and feel
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: really settled. You've gotten it out of your system. It
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: was amazing. But now you're back home with your people,
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: and this is where you want to be. Okay, So
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: you're gonna get your answer regardless, that's the beauty of it.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: But you have to go otherwise you're never going to
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: get your answer.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: That's how I feel about this Sense Sense.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Next one.
• 16:42
  Speaker 5: Hi, Alexis, thank you for your podcast. I absolutely love
• 16:47
  Speaker 5: it and recommend it to everybody. My question is, I'm
• 16:52
  Speaker 5: like a classic avoidant attachment style person and I just
• 16:58
  Speaker 5: want to know what I can do to change that.
• 17:01
  Speaker 5: I feel like all I ever do is push people away.
• 17:05
  Speaker 5: I'm currently divorced, and I feel like any relationship I
• 17:12
  Speaker 5: have with a man, I just eventually start to push
• 17:15
  Speaker 5: them away. It's like I get bored and I just
• 17:18
  Speaker 5: want to move on to something else. I'm worried that
• 17:22
  Speaker 5: my avoidant attachment style could even affect my children, and
• 17:26
  Speaker 5: I just, yeah, I just want to know what I
• 17:29
  Speaker 5: should do to change this, because it seems to be
• 17:32
  Speaker 5: something that's just gonna stick with me forever. Thank you
• 17:36
  Speaker 5: so much. Bye.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's a really that's a great question, and it is.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: It's a complicated one to answer because with this avoidant attachment,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you've got to ask yourself, am I avoiding because I'm
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: just bored? Because it sounds like you're not really getting
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: hurt in these scenarios, you're kind of like, ah, you're entertaining,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: but now on boord, I'm not interested. You're losing interest.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: Whereas there's the avoidant attachment often comes from an inability
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: or like a lack of wanting to get close to
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: someone out of fear of getting hurt. So we avoidant
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: attachment is I'm avoiding you, I'm avoiding intimacy. I'm avoiding
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: vulnerability because that is a weak spot for me, or
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: it's deemed it's not obviously a weakness, but it's deemed
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: a weakness. And if you get too close, then I'm
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: opened up to be potentially hurt and I'm not going
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: to be able to handle that. Okay, I can't trust,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: so therefore I shut you out. So you've got to
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: ask yourself what is it? Is it actual avoidant because
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: it's fear of intimacy, because I'm not going to be
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: able to handle it, so I've got to I've got
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: to like stand on my own. The world is out
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: to get You can't trust anyone, and that's why I
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: push you away. Because I get close, I start to
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: kind of see that you could hurt me, and then
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: I shut you out.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: Or is it boredom?
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: Is it I actually get bored so I want to
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: be entertained by a partner. I find a partner that's
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: entertaining enough. We kind of are there, but then I'm like,
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: you're never really my person, and then you palm them off.
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: Because you're bored.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: Because they're two very different things. If it's the boredom one,
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: I would go on a fucking dating hiatus. If it's
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: the boredom one, I would be like, I'm not dating
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: for a good ten months, a good ten months, right,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not putting myself out on the apps. I'm just
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: going to focus on myself and I've got to ask myself,
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: why are these interactions boring me? Is it that I'm
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: going for the wrong people? Is it that I'm jumping
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: from relationship to relationship that I rarely get to actually
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: figure out what it is that I really want in
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: a partner versus what I don't want? Am I actually
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: someone that is just, at least at this point in
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: my life better off alone. You know, there are going
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: to be times in a lot of people's lives where
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: they've gone through enough, they've seen enough that sometimes they
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: have more peace just being alone for six months or
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: a year, just to have that time to kind of,
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: you know, be with themselves, learn more about themselves, you know,
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: have that downtime, that alone downtime. So if it's the boredom,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: that's my advice to you. If it's the fear and
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: you get the anxiety and you're labeling it as boredom
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: as a protective mechanism, but in reality you are scared
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: to get hurt, so you push people away because you're scared,
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: then that's something that you can really work on by
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: looking into avoidant attachment. You know, this fear of why
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: it is that we're pushing people away, And again, the
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: best solution for avoidant attachment is working on your relationship
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: with yourself. You know, work on feeling like you are
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: obviously enough that you are. You know, you're not going
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: that if you did drop your walls down and if
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: you did allow yourself to be vulnerable and that person
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: then did break your heart and throw it in your face,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: that you would have a certainty that you would still
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: be okay. That's ultimately how we shift, and it's not
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: easy at all, but it is how we shift from
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: avoidant and insecure attachment styles to secure. Secure attachment doesn't
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: mean that you're never going to get hurt. It means
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: that if you get hurt, you can recover. If someone
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: stops loving you, you are still lovable. People can still
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: love you, and you know that deep down. You don't
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: look at one person breaking your heart as meaning that
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: you're not lovable. You look at it as wow, that
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: person didn't love me, heartbroken, it didn't work out. You
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: don't make universal statements on one thing that happens in
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: your life. You're able to really see that overall you
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: are lovable.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: People want to spend time with you. You will recover.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: The world is in general a good place, and you
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: have like this kind of softer thing. So you've got
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: to ask yourself, what are my true beliefs, Because if
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: you are telling yourself it's just boredom, then that is
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: not avoidant attachment. Avoidant attachment comes from a fear of
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: getting hurt, so get really clear on what's going on,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and either one.
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: I think the.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Ultimate solution is to do more work on yourself if
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: it's bored, and stop dating because your kids probably are like, can't.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: If you're just dating this person because you're bored, then
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: what is the point You're fucking around here and there
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: just fucking chill. Okay, And if you actually love them
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: and if you actually want to invest time in them, yes,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: go for it. But if you're just going to be
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: dating people left front and center because you're bored, and
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: then you palm them off because you're bored, then yeah,
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: it might affect them in the sense that they'll be like,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: why do you have a swing door of people coming
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: in and out when we you know, don't really we're
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: not interested in that. But if it's the other way around,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I also think that with avoidant attachment, not to avoid
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: even further, but think what work can I be doing
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: on myself in the meantime instead of actively seeking a relationship.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm not going to not entertain a relationship,
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: but I'm also going to really focus on how you know,
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I feel about myself. You know, I really look into
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: avoidant attachment and I'll do my research into that and
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: I really dig into you know, tools and things that
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: I can do to work on that.
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: Fee.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, so yeah, really ask yourself those questions, all right.
• 23:31
  Speaker 6: Last one, Hi, alexis a massive hello from London. I
• 23:38
  Speaker 6: listen to your podcast all the time and I love
• 23:41
  Speaker 6: how you just say it as it is. I feel
• 23:44
  Speaker 6: like I'm like that as well, so it's just really
• 23:48
  Speaker 6: refreshing to hear. So my question really is, well, just
• 23:53
  Speaker 6: a quick backstory. I was engaged to the most wonderful,
• 23:59
  Speaker 6: wonderful man life last year. The relationship was amazing and
• 24:04
  Speaker 6: the relationship was just everything I was looking for.
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: But he started.
• 24:09
  Speaker 6: Developing mental health issues which I didn't really know about
• 24:14
  Speaker 6: when I got into the relationship, and because of this,
• 24:18
  Speaker 6: he started developing psychosis and eventually I had no choice
• 24:23
  Speaker 6: but to cancel the wedding because he was just not
• 24:27
  Speaker 6: participating in it in any form of trying to organize it.
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: So I just want to know.
• 24:39
  Speaker 6: I feel like I have done the right thing doing that,
• 24:42
  Speaker 6: but I just can't get him out of my head.
• 24:45
  Speaker 6: And it's not like I'm a self conscious person or
• 24:50
  Speaker 6: anything like that I'm quite a strong willed individual, but
• 24:54
  Speaker 6: I just can't help feeling that I've lost something good
• 24:59
  Speaker 6: even though I we didn't go back there.
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: So what's your advice for me?
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Awesome question, And thank you for your kind words at
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: the start, and thank you for just being honest with that,
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: because I feel like that would have been a really,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: really really hard decision for you. I can't imagine what
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: that would have been like, like I'd try and put
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: myself like, that's a lot that you went through, and honestly,
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: you're amazing for knowing what was the best decision for
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: you and for both of you, honestly, because if someone's
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: going through that much of a difficult time mentally, they're
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: not able to give for the relationship what their priority
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: needs to be themselves and working on themselves. And you
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: know he would not have been present, like you said, well,
• 25:42
  Speaker 1: he wasn't present for anything around the wedding or the
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: relationship or anything like that. So while it was really
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: difficult for you, it is the outcome that was necessary
• 25:51
  Speaker 1: for both parties involved. The reason that you are also
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: having such a hard time is because of course you
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: care about him, and it's also like it's the death
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: of a dream, like have you given yourself time to
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: grieve that relationship? Because even if you know that something's
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: not right, it's not so easy to flip a switch
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: being like, well, I've got the answers that I need,
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: here's the evidence that it wasn't right.
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: Like as we all know.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: Like we can walk away from a relationship, we can
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: end a relationship, we can have a relationship end on.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: Us and logically see why it would not have worked.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: But unless you give yourself the opportunity to mourn it,
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: to say it's okay to have the death of a
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: dream and to like, have you know, give myself the
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: closure for that dream, It's okay for me to say, yeah,
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: I did dream up my future with this person. I
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: imagined and kind of solidified what my future would look like,
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: and now all of that is going to change. Now
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I have to come to terms with that, and now
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: I have to process that.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: Have I grieved it properly? Have I myself.
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: To have my little meltdown? Have I tried to just
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: be the strong one in this? Because unless you're able
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: to fully say goodbye to the imagined future that you
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: had created and this person and this dream that you
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: had and think, all right, well that's ended, it's done,
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: and it's never going to happen.
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: I need to close that chapter and feel like it's okay.
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: Then it's really difficult to move on.
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: It's also you're you know, another reason why you're struggling
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: is because you know you were saying he was just
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: the most amazing man.
• 27:34
  Speaker 2: He's a really good person.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: It's always hard to say bye to someone who's, you know,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: innately a good person. But you you have to keep
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: reminding yourself that you have done the right thing for
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: both of you. Okay, sometimes you only have to do
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: the right thing for yourself anyway, and that's the most
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: important thing. When you're talking about entering a relationship. You
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: have to do the right thing for you and then
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: for the other person. But in this case, I think
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: you've done the right thing for both of you. And
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: so number one, make sure that you've had the closure.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: Make sure that you're aware that it was the end
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: of like it's the death of a dream, and process that.
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: The next thing you want to do is you've got
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: to acknowledge the reason why I still feel all these
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: feelings even though I know I'd never go back is
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: because there's two versions of him that I experienced. There's
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: the version that I wanted to marry, and then there's
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: a version that I realized we would not have a
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: healthy relationship.
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: And we just could not get married.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: So I'm mourning the version of him that didn't even
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: exist by the time we broke up.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: That's a key thing to remind.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: Yourself of because if you are always in this headspace
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: of like, yeah, but you know, they were this good person,
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: they were this, they were that.
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: You're not taking away from him saying that.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: He's not that person anymore, but you're saying new things
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: came up, new things surface that made me realize that
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: who I fell in love with it was much more
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: complex than that, and we just couldn't have a healthy relationship,
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: whether it was mental health issues, whether.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: There might be many reasons. It's not putting blame.
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: It's just saying that after these things surfaced, it wasn't
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: possible to maintain a healthy relationship. So I can't then
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: focus only on the bits that I fell in love
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: with when everything was well and good. I have to
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: remind myself that things evolved into a place where it
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: wasn't sustainable anymore. You always have to remind yourself of that.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: Whether the person was a good person, whether the person
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: was an asshole, it doesn't matter. We will remind ourselves
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: of the best bits of the relationship.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: And we hold on.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: We're like, oh, have I let go of something so good?
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: Have I let go of something good? You made a
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: decision that was really hard to make, calling off a wedding, Like,
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: that's a.
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: Big You followed through. You had the strength to do that.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: You have to back yourself and congratulate yourself whenever possible,
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: because the fact that you were able to pull the
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: pin and do that is really hard. And I think
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: anyone listening and hearing that you were able to follow
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: through and do that would be just so proud of
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: you for sticking to your guns and doing what was
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: right for every single person involved. So yeah, just remember
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: it's really easy to look at the you know, the
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: relationship through rose colored lenses and think of the good
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: times and cherry pick those moments and think, oh, my god,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: have I let go of something good? But always remember
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: when you do that, I need to zoom out bigger picture,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: remind myself of what I was going through through that
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: term l do I counsel the wedding. Do I not
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: remind myself of that time because the decision I made
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: was based on the reality of what I was going
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: through at that time. Okay, but yeah, honestly proud of
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: you for doing the right thing for yourself and ultimately
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: for him as well.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: It definitely has been the right decision for him as well.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: Thank you for for I was gonna say writing and
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: for sending in your voice messages. I love hearing from
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: beans around the world and from here in Australia. It's
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: just really really cool that we've got this global being community.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: So thank you so much. Guys, You're amazing. Love you
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: so much. As always, please remember becind to yourself, be
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: kind to your brain. Don't text shit from anyone, and
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: especially don't text it from yourself.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: Don't care