Transcript

#12 Jesse · Heavyweight

0:04
Speaker 1: Hi, how are you.
0:05
Speaker 2: I'm updating all my contacts and my iPhone. Yes, okay,
0:09
Speaker 2: and I just have you down as Jackie. Yeah, and
0:12
Speaker 2: it makes me realize I don't actually know your full
0:15
Speaker 2: name is? What is Jackie short for?
0:19
Speaker 1: It's short for Jackie.
0:22
Speaker 2: No, but I mean, like what Jackie, Jacqueline.
0:25
Speaker 3: Jacqueline No, John, it's short for Jackie. And you know
0:28
Speaker 3: that because you've known me since I'm five?
0:30
Speaker 2: Why do I have in my mind that the full
0:32
Speaker 2: name is jack Arandack jack Arondack Cohen. And what's your
0:38
Speaker 2: middle name?
0:38
Speaker 1: I don't have one.
0:40
Speaker 2: Mother mustn't have loved you very much, you know what.
0:44
Speaker 2: Let's give you a middle name right now?
0:45
Speaker 4: How about that?
0:46
Speaker 2: Why Jackie Stewart, Jackie Lynn, Jackie jack Jackie Jack Cohen.
0:54
Speaker 2: And I don't care Jackety Jack's bratt sat on a
1:01
Speaker 2: candlestick from Gimblet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is
1:12
Speaker 2: Heavyweight Today's episode, Jesse. Most lives are like parallel lines,
1:30
Speaker 2: one life existing alongside another, divided only by an apartment
1:34
Speaker 2: hallway or a cubicle wall, close but never touching. So
1:40
Speaker 2: I will just ask you to start from the very beginning, Okay,
1:47
Speaker 2: lines that are parallel don't have endings or beginnings. Lives do, though,
1:51
Speaker 2: and so do stories. And this story begins in the
1:54
Speaker 2: summer of twenty thirteen in a town just outside Portland, Oregon.
2:00
Speaker 2: Jesse had just graduated college and was spending the summer
2:03
Speaker 2: working in a lab. His life was music festivals, dancing,
2:07
Speaker 2: getting stoned, and eating as much mac and cheese as
2:09
Speaker 2: he could. In other words, he was a typical American
2:13
Speaker 2: twenty one year old whose life was on course.
2:16
Speaker 4: And then one day, it's a half day at work,
2:21
Speaker 4: left the house, got a cup of coffee, was riding
2:24
Speaker 4: my bike, stopped in this little park to sip on
2:27
Speaker 4: the coffee before I headed in, And that's the last
2:31
Speaker 4: thing that I really remember about that day.
2:35
Speaker 2: Later people will tell Jesse that he plugged an earbud
2:38
Speaker 2: into his ear, turned on some LCD sound system, got
2:41
Speaker 2: back on his bicycle, rode to the same four way
2:44
Speaker 2: intersection that he always.
2:45
Speaker 4: Did, and rolled out into the intersection and was te
2:50
Speaker 4: boned by a guy going forty five.
2:55
Speaker 2: Lines that are perpendicular meet at a right angle, touching
2:59
Speaker 2: but only once and then never meeting again. As he
3:07
Speaker 2: lay split out in the middle of the street, Jesse's
3:10
Speaker 2: heart stopped for a while.
3:12
Speaker 4: He was legally dead, and then I came to with
3:17
Speaker 4: a tracheotomy down my throat, trying to throw up, and
3:22
Speaker 4: suddenly I was in a hospital room.
3:27
Speaker 2: Suddenly was actually seventeen days later, seventeen days in a
3:31
Speaker 2: coma that he woke from, unable to breathe on his own,
3:34
Speaker 2: with half his body paralyzed. Everyone was saying it looked
3:38
Speaker 2: like he'd never walk again.
3:40
Speaker 4: And I don't think people realized I was with it
3:43
Speaker 4: enough to hear them say those things. Having a surgeon
3:48
Speaker 4: say to your mom, like you might as well get
3:51
Speaker 4: rid of his car insurance because he's not gonna ever
3:54
Speaker 4: drive again. It just seemed like I wasn't gonna look anymore.
4:00
Speaker 4: I wasn't going to be with anything pretty anymore. My
4:05
Speaker 4: life I had dreamed about is no longer. Having to
4:09
Speaker 4: use a bedpan as a twenty one year old, and
4:12
Speaker 4: the embarrassment that comes with not being able to control
4:16
Speaker 4: your bladder and having a nurse have to clean you up.
4:21
Speaker 4: It just feels like, Okay, I'm in pain, I'm causing pain.
4:26
Speaker 4: My parents aren't going to have a normal life now.
4:31
Speaker 4: A lot of what I was saying was about trying
4:33
Speaker 4: to get someone to end my life. I was like,
4:38
Speaker 4: if it's not going to be a good life, like
4:40
Speaker 4: I don't want life.
4:43
Speaker 2: Every day was like this, the same dark thoughts day
4:46
Speaker 2: after day after day. And then one day Jesse felt
4:51
Speaker 2: his eyes move independently of each other. His head and
4:54
Speaker 2: arms began to flail. He thought, this is it. I'm
4:57
Speaker 2: actually going to die, like.
5:00
Speaker 4: Oh, I'm getting what I wanted. And the first emotion
5:03
Speaker 4: that came up was just anger, like this sucks.
5:15
Speaker 2: As Jesse began the process of dying, he lost the
5:18
Speaker 2: ability to hold onto that anger. It was like he
5:21
Speaker 2: no longer had the strength, and so it let go.
5:25
Speaker 2: His dying brain started letting everything go, what was happening
5:28
Speaker 2: around him, all his fears for the future, and with
5:31
Speaker 2: all that gone, past memories flooded in happy memories, playing
5:35
Speaker 2: guitar for his younger cousins Emial of Savice in Lima,
5:39
Speaker 2: camping with his girlfriend in the rain, and drinking champagne
5:42
Speaker 2: as their tent slowly filled with water.
5:45
Speaker 4: I think it was rather spontaneous, though I don't remember
5:49
Speaker 4: putting like one and one together. I think it was
5:52
Speaker 4: like this this rush that happened in a matter of moments,
5:59
Speaker 4: all of the people that had ever wished well for me,
6:03
Speaker 4: or all of the hospital visitors I had made me
6:07
Speaker 4: realize that I had a really fortunate life.
6:17
Speaker 2: Jesse ended up surviving, and with his new life came
6:20
Speaker 2: in appreciation for all the things he'd never noticed before.
6:24
Speaker 2: The blue of the sky through the hospital window looked
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Speaker 2: bluer somehow, the touch of a friend's hand at his
6:29
Speaker 2: bedside stirred his heart in a deeper way. When he
6:32
Speaker 2: was helped outside, the world below his feet felt like
6:35
Speaker 2: a strange and beautiful planet. Even the most familiar things
6:39
Speaker 2: were new again.
6:40
Speaker 4: If I had an apple that day, it was like
6:42
Speaker 4: the first time eating an apple. Every day got better
6:46
Speaker 4: and better, and it was easier and easier to see
6:50
Speaker 4: a life forward. And so every day now is kind
6:55
Speaker 4: of like a second chance.
6:59
Speaker 2: Think that this kind of instantaneous spiritual transformation would have
7:03
Speaker 2: an expiration date, that before long he'd be back to
7:06
Speaker 2: watching Bachelor in Paradise in bed with a bucket of
7:09
Speaker 2: Colonel Sanders on his lap and various dipping sauces neatly
7:12
Speaker 2: laid out across a pillow, just like everybody else. But
7:16
Speaker 2: for Jesse, these new feelings didn't fade. Over the next
7:20
Speaker 2: five months, as his doctors put him back together and
7:23
Speaker 2: taught him how to walk again, Jesse'd come to see
7:26
Speaker 2: that life before the accident, the life he tried so
7:28
Speaker 2: hard to hold onto, wasn't a life lived very deeply,
7:32
Speaker 2: that it was actually kind of superficial. It was a
7:35
Speaker 2: life distracting him from what was good about living, and
7:38
Speaker 2: so to mark the end of one life in the
7:40
Speaker 2: beginning of another, he changed his name, going from Jesse,
7:44
Speaker 2: a favorite moniker for TV uncles, to Gavanna, Sanskrit for
7:49
Speaker 2: giver of light. Four years later, Givanna's life looks quite
7:59
Speaker 2: different from Jesse's. Jesse was always rushing thinking about the future,
8:03
Speaker 2: but Gavanna, helped by a cane, move slowly. While Jesse
8:08
Speaker 2: enjoyed dancing in loud music, Givanna, deaf in one ear
8:12
Speaker 2: leans him close when spoken to. In spite of living
8:15
Speaker 2: with constant pain, he likes this new life better than
8:18
Speaker 2: the old one. In fact, he's grateful for it, which
8:22
Speaker 2: is why Gavanna often finds himself thinking about the man
8:25
Speaker 2: who gave him this new life. That is the driver
8:28
Speaker 2: of the car that hit him.
8:32
Speaker 4: I've always wanted to meet him. I've always wanted to
8:35
Speaker 4: sit down across from him and tell him, like, I've
8:39
Speaker 4: become increasingly grateful for being hit by that car, and
8:48
Speaker 4: I want to I want to thank him for like
8:52
Speaker 4: showing me how beautiful life can be, but I also
8:55
Speaker 4: want to say sorry, really yeah, yeah.
9:04
Speaker 2: Up until this moment, I was with him the idea
9:07
Speaker 2: of being curious and wanting to meet the driver that
9:10
Speaker 2: I kind of got, but wanting to thank him apologize
9:14
Speaker 2: to the guy who ran you over. Giovanna was acting
9:18
Speaker 2: like Jesus, and for people who give out the Jesus vibe,
9:21
Speaker 2: like say, Jesus, it doesn't usually end so well. An
9:25
Speaker 2: eye for an eye is what my wrathful Hebrew Lord instructs.
9:29
Speaker 2: Even if you don't want to, you have an obligation
9:32
Speaker 2: take an eyeball for later. You never know it might
9:35
Speaker 2: come in handy, and to show extra piety, maybe grab
9:38
Speaker 2: a fistful of eyelash. But at the very least, saith
9:41
Speaker 2: the Lord. If a guy almost kills you, make him
9:44
Speaker 2: beg for your forgiveness. You sincerely don't feel like you're
9:52
Speaker 2: looking for an apology.
9:54
Speaker 4: I don't blame him for what happened that day. We've
9:57
Speaker 4: all been late to work, We've all on yellow lights,
10:02
Speaker 4: like every day that I'd drive on a busy street
10:05
Speaker 4: with intersections going over thirty. I kind of can imagine
10:11
Speaker 4: what it would be like for a bicyclist to suddenly
10:13
Speaker 4: be there.
10:15
Speaker 2: Givanna says that the driver was never found guilty of
10:17
Speaker 2: any crime. He wasn't drinking, he wasn't on his phone.
10:21
Speaker 2: In the end, no fault was ever determined.
10:24
Speaker 4: I don't need an apology from him. I think the
10:27
Speaker 4: only person that can really tell him it's okay, the
10:31
Speaker 4: only person that maybe he would believe that it's okay
10:33
Speaker 4: as me.
10:36
Speaker 2: And you're not afraid that it feels like a little
10:38
Speaker 2: too grand, you know what I mean.
10:42
Speaker 4: I can see that, like, oh, you're trying to love
10:46
Speaker 4: everybody because you want people to look at you and
10:50
Speaker 4: like praise you. But the whole point of loving everyone
10:55
Speaker 4: is almost a selfish thing, because loving people feels good,
11:00
Speaker 4: giving the people feels good. I don't know why we
11:02
Speaker 4: would almost shame people for wanting to be that generous.
11:08
Speaker 2: I think by we, Givanna is politely saying me that
11:11
Speaker 2: I'm shaming him for acting how people should act. But
11:15
Speaker 2: I'm more hung up on how people do act, or
11:17
Speaker 2: at least how I act, which is kind of grabby.
11:21
Speaker 2: So I want to know if there's anything the driver
11:23
Speaker 2: can provide for him.
11:25
Speaker 4: I think the only thing I want from him is
11:29
Speaker 4: maybe for him to explain that day to me. I've
11:35
Speaker 4: always been curious about what happened that day.
11:39
Speaker 2: Givanna doesn't remember anything about that day and knows almost
11:42
Speaker 2: nothing about the driver, so his mind fixates on the
11:46
Speaker 2: few bits of information he has. First the police photograph
11:50
Speaker 2: of the accident. In it, the driver gazes into the camera,
11:54
Speaker 2: stunned and helpless as Javannah lies bleeding on the street. Second,
11:59
Speaker 2: the phone call when a policeman called him up with
12:01
Speaker 2: the news that Javanna would survive, the driver broke down weeping.
12:05
Speaker 2: And the third thing, the driver's name, Christian. I begin
12:15
Speaker 2: my search for Christians in the Portland area, and it
12:18
Speaker 2: turns out to be harder than I'd imagined. So I
12:20
Speaker 2: start combing through databases, the special kind that require log
12:25
Speaker 2: in names and service fees. Why do you need money,
12:31
Speaker 2: Alex Bloomberg asks, while picking his teeth clean of chia seeds.
12:35
Speaker 2: I want to find a man named Christian, I say, why,
12:39
Speaker 2: he asks, laughing, as he good naturedly jabs and elbow
12:42
Speaker 2: into Lisa Chow's ribs. So you can also find a
12:45
Speaker 2: man named Jewish and a man named Muslim and record
12:48
Speaker 2: them walking into a bar for your podcast. No, I say,
12:53
Speaker 2: gnashing my teeth so I can repair the past and
12:57
Speaker 2: win a damn Peabody award and start getting some respect
13:00
Speaker 2: around here. Of course, I only say that last part
13:04
Speaker 2: to myself. The last thing I need is to be
13:06
Speaker 2: exiled back to Canada, to wander sub zero streets while
13:10
Speaker 2: drinking frozen milk from a bag, dancing for Canadian nickels,
13:13
Speaker 2: and begging strangers for podcasting opportunities. Alex takes a sip
13:18
Speaker 2: of his kombucha and, as he rushes off to a
13:21
Speaker 2: business meeting, says he'll venmo me the money, and I
13:24
Speaker 2: pretend to know what that means. I order the police
13:31
Speaker 2: report of the accident, and while I wait for its arrival,
13:34
Speaker 2: I continue my online search for Christian. I try pseudonyms,
13:38
Speaker 2: name variations, anything I can think of. Still no dice. Desperate,
13:44
Speaker 2: I turn to something called a phone book, which it
13:47
Speaker 2: turns out is kind of like Facebook, but without photos
13:51
Speaker 2: of your high school gym teacher's new SKA band. From there,
13:54
Speaker 2: I get even more old school, actually telephoning the telephone
13:59
Speaker 2: numbers from the telephone book. Oh, hi, is Christian there.
14:09
Speaker 4: I know I can't help you. No, we lived here
14:11
Speaker 4: like that.
14:14
Speaker 5: And ventilating department. I'm not able to come to the
14:17
Speaker 5: phone right now, Mom and somebody else.
14:19
Speaker 2: Okay, But after several weeks have failed attempt, Hello, Hi
14:25
Speaker 2: is Christian there?
14:28
Speaker 4: Well, I'm sad.
14:31
Speaker 2: I finally get through to Christian's childhood home. But when
14:34
Speaker 2: I explain that I'm calling about the car crash and
14:36
Speaker 2: about Gavannah wanting to meet Christian, his stepmom gets on
14:40
Speaker 2: the phone.
14:41
Speaker 4: We have a lot of concern for Chris on this.
14:43
Speaker 4: I hear you. I hear you. He has suffered from
14:47
Speaker 4: PTSD because of that accident. We don't want to make
14:50
Speaker 4: that any worse. I just say to stave go diving
14:55
Speaker 4: back into that.
14:58
Speaker 2: Even after all these years, Christian's parents are still worried
15:01
Speaker 2: about him. They won't give me his phone number, but
15:04
Speaker 2: they do agree to pass along my message. So over
15:07
Speaker 2: the next few months, I check in with them periodically
15:10
Speaker 2: to see if there's any news to report. Hello, well,
15:14
Speaker 2: I there, This is Jonathan Goldstein calling back. We spoke
15:18
Speaker 2: last week weeks ago. I was last week, any movement,
15:22
Speaker 2: any new news, write him a note and ask him.
15:25
Speaker 5: Let me grab a pen here, let me grab well here,
15:28
Speaker 5: Let me have you a talk to my husban. I'm
15:29
Speaker 5: going to put my wife on the phone because of
15:31
Speaker 5: actually again, I'll pass it. I'll let him know you
15:33
Speaker 5: call it, and I will pass on that you called again.
15:38
Speaker 2: Eventually I begin feeling like a trusted friend of the family.
15:42
Speaker 4: Right it's mister, is the silver Stein?
15:48
Speaker 2: Goldstein? For months I wait to hear from Christian. In
15:59
Speaker 2: the interim, I discover something called fidget spinners wind Haven, Tornado, fidget,
16:04
Speaker 2: Golden snitch, Harry Potter, fidget, you name it. To mitigate
16:09
Speaker 2: my anxiety. I passed the days spinning them. How do
16:18
Speaker 2: these fidget spin so easily? I wonder? And why is
16:21
Speaker 2: this sensation between my thumb and index finger more satisfying
16:24
Speaker 2: than all of my personal relationships and career accomplishments Stacked
16:29
Speaker 2: end to end, you might call a circle a line
16:37
Speaker 2: that's lost its way forward, neurotically retracing its footsteps, making
16:42
Speaker 2: loop after loop after loop after loop after loop after
16:55
Speaker 2: and then one day after an evening of dervish like spinning.
16:59
Speaker 2: I emerge from an underground fidget den in the back
17:01
Speaker 2: room of a Chinatown foot massage parlor, fingers blistered and
17:05
Speaker 2: eyes squinting at my phone in the cruel noontime sun.
17:09
Speaker 2: It's then that I see I've received an email Hello.
17:13
Speaker 2: The subject heading reads, will you be available Friday to
17:16
Speaker 2: talk on the phone? Thanks Christian. After the break Christian.
17:26
Speaker 2: On Friday, Christian tells me about life since the accident,
17:29
Speaker 2: the depression, the panic attacks. He tells me about waking
17:33
Speaker 2: up in the middle of the night, scared to death
17:35
Speaker 2: but not sure why. He tells me how he'd begun drinking,
17:39
Speaker 2: about feeling empty, how sometimes when he's driving he feels
17:43
Speaker 2: so anxious and lost that he finds it hard to
17:45
Speaker 2: breathe and has to pull off to the side of
17:47
Speaker 2: the road. But what surprises me most is when Christian says,
17:52
Speaker 2: almost word for word, the same thing that Javanna said,
17:56
Speaker 2: not just that he's changed as a result of the crash,
17:59
Speaker 2: but that his whole life is different. After the crash,
18:02
Speaker 2: he dropped out of school. He had his own business,
18:05
Speaker 2: but gave that up too. Like Giovanna, Christian feels like
18:09
Speaker 2: a completely different person, and like Javanna, Christian was also
18:13
Speaker 2: advised by the people closest to him not to revisit
18:16
Speaker 2: that day, not to meet with the man from the accident,
18:19
Speaker 2: that such things simply aren't done. And yet in spite
18:24
Speaker 2: of all that, Christians decided it's something he wants to do.
18:32
Speaker 2: Lines that meet intersect, and then grow further apart are
18:35
Speaker 2: called perpendicular lines that reintersect. There is no name for
18:40
Speaker 2: such a thing. Up until this point, I had been
18:43
Speaker 2: mostly caught up in Giavanna's story, but in talking with Christian,
18:47
Speaker 2: I start to worry about his trajectory too. I needed
18:51
Speaker 2: to talk with someone who knew more about this stuff
18:53
Speaker 2: than I did. I needed to talk to a real therapist,
18:57
Speaker 2: and so I reached out to a grief and couples counselor.
19:01
Speaker 3: My mother was a therapist, and when she passed away,
19:03
Speaker 3: I started working with grieving children as a volunteer.
19:07
Speaker 2: Matt has a calm way of speaking, like a cross
19:09
Speaker 2: between hal from two thousand and one and someone who
19:12
Speaker 2: enjoys thoughtfully chewing on the arm of his eyeglasses.
19:15
Speaker 3: And a friend suggested that I get another degree in
19:18
Speaker 3: go back and start professionalizing my interest in that topic.
19:22
Speaker 2: I liked Matt right away. From the moment we shook hands.
19:25
Speaker 2: I felt like you could see right through to the
19:27
Speaker 2: deepest recesses of my mind. I felt naked before this
19:31
Speaker 2: man's keen psychological gaze, the breeze goose pimpling the nude
19:36
Speaker 2: flesh of my psyche. I quickly caught Matt up on
19:40
Speaker 2: the Christian and Javanna situation about the meeting we were
19:43
Speaker 2: planning and asked what he thought.
19:46
Speaker 3: Yeah, I guess it sounds dicey, like this could go
19:53
Speaker 3: really wrong. You know, this was a really traumatizing thing
19:57
Speaker 3: for these people, and they they come at it with
20:00
Speaker 3: feelings that have not been worked through, and that could
20:05
Speaker 3: be a disaster.
20:07
Speaker 2: Matt says, you never really know what you're going to
20:09
Speaker 2: feel until you actually step foot in the room. Christian
20:13
Speaker 2: could become re traumatized, Javanna could get angrier than he anticipated.
20:17
Speaker 3: You just don't know. I mean, it means facing something difficult,
20:21
Speaker 3: and people would much rather ignore something difficult, even you know,
20:26
Speaker 3: even in families, even in loving relationships and couples. You
20:29
Speaker 3: see that all the time.
20:30
Speaker 2: But as we talk about how eager Javanna and Christian
20:33
Speaker 2: are to meet each other. Matt admits that it's possible
20:36
Speaker 2: this plan might not be disastrous, that it might actually
20:39
Speaker 2: be good, that there was something even potentially beautiful about it.
20:43
Speaker 3: If you're given the opportunity to face the source of
20:47
Speaker 3: this event that had so much meaning, it's a tremendous
20:52
Speaker 3: opportunity for reconciliation.
20:56
Speaker 2: Matt offers to speak to Christian and Javanna on the
20:59
Speaker 2: phone separately, just to assess how emotionally prepared they are
21:02
Speaker 2: to face each other. He also says it'd be advisable
21:06
Speaker 2: to have an actual therapist on hand when they meet,
21:09
Speaker 2: and lucky for me, I had just the one. So
21:13
Speaker 2: you want to go to Portland, I'd love to. You
21:23
Speaker 2: want to travel with your therapist to Oregon, Alex says
21:26
Speaker 2: when I ask him to pay for Matt's airfare. He's
21:30
Speaker 2: not my therapist, I say, blushing, He's a friend. It's
21:34
Speaker 2: for a story, a business story. Matt and I can
21:38
Speaker 2: even share a hotel room. Might actually be better stay
21:41
Speaker 2: up late gossiping about the story. The business story, I
21:45
Speaker 2: mean Alex's bull of chia seeds arrives and he cuts
21:49
Speaker 2: me off, agreeing to vimeo me the money, so I
21:57
Speaker 2: don't know, what do you think of this set up?
21:59
Speaker 3: I mean, so I should.
22:00
Speaker 2: Say that I'm in Portland, Matt and I prepare the
22:04
Speaker 2: hotel room for Javanna and Christian's arrival. I mean, and
22:07
Speaker 2: then this puts some money equal footing that you know
22:09
Speaker 2: that they're both down chairs and they don't have to
22:10
Speaker 2: sit side by side of it, so that an already
22:12
Speaker 2: dicey situation isn't made diceier by us all having to
22:16
Speaker 2: sit crisscross apple sauce on my unmade hotel bed. I've
22:19
Speaker 2: rented a suite with chairs and a COUCHU.
22:23
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's we're both over there kind of.
22:26
Speaker 2: I expend my nervous energy by arranging and rearranging the furniture.
22:31
Speaker 2: Working in such close proximity, I can't help catching wisps
22:34
Speaker 2: of Matt's aftershave, a masculine, leathery scent that recalls grandfather's
22:39
Speaker 2: barbering strop. So I would, just, if you're comfortable with it,
22:43
Speaker 2: I would ask.
22:44
Speaker 4: You to sit.
22:49
Speaker 2: On the couch with me. Yeah, okay, would that be okay?
22:55
Speaker 1: Yeah?
22:58
Speaker 2: Our exchange is preempty by a tentative knock at the door. Hello, Hello,
23:04
Speaker 2: Gavanna arrives first come on in thank You.
23:07
Speaker 3: This is man time.
23:09
Speaker 2: Gravanna's tall and thin, with long red hair and a beard.
23:13
Speaker 2: The clothing he's wearing his robelike Jesus, like his movement
23:17
Speaker 2: slow and careful. So Christian is on his way. I
23:21
Speaker 2: believe he might be a little bit late because of
23:23
Speaker 2: the parade as it happens today is Portland's Rose Bowl Parade.
23:28
Speaker 2: I keep waiting for the sound of Alice Cooper's Schools
23:31
Speaker 2: Out for Summer, performed on tubas and snare drums to
23:34
Speaker 2: fade into the distance, but it never does. It's like
23:37
Speaker 2: the parade route this year is stuck in a spiral
23:40
Speaker 2: of endless laps around our hotel. Outside the window, life
23:45
Speaker 2: in all its obnoxious splendor, was going on at this point.
23:52
Speaker 2: Christian still hasn't arrived. Eleven oh five, eleven, ten, eleven, fifteen,
23:58
Speaker 2: eleven twenty. It begins to set in that Christian might
24:01
Speaker 2: have had a change of heart and may never show,
24:04
Speaker 2: and I'd have to return to Gimlet with my tail
24:06
Speaker 2: between my legs, scamper over to Alex's treadmill desk and
24:09
Speaker 2: admit he was right and I was wrong, and how
24:12
Speaker 2: He's always right? He and Lisa chow because they understand
24:15
Speaker 2: the quote financial risk of flying a therapist across the country,
24:19
Speaker 2: renting this whole dumb hotel suite, arranging furniture according to
24:23
Speaker 2: the laws of FENSHUEI which I don't even know at
24:25
Speaker 2: that are Christian, Hi clue, Christian.
24:35
Speaker 4: Christian?
24:35
Speaker 3: This is Jivanna.
24:39
Speaker 2: Christian enters the room. He's solid looking and crew cut
24:43
Speaker 2: it wearing jeans and running shoes. He looks like the
24:45
Speaker 2: amiable guy in a sports bar whose voice rises easily
24:49
Speaker 2: above the din when ordering a beer. Standing side by side,
24:53
Speaker 2: these two young men could not seem less alike. Once
24:57
Speaker 2: they've taken each other in, they sit down in armchairs,
24:59
Speaker 2: op at one another, Christian with his hands on his knees,
25:03
Speaker 2: Givanna sunk into his chair. For a while, they quietly
25:07
Speaker 2: watch each other. Givanna pulls out a small bottle of
25:12
Speaker 2: sandalwood oil that he keeps around his neck. He explains
25:15
Speaker 2: that it's the oil burned in ashrams to maintain a
25:18
Speaker 2: deep level of meditation and body awareness.
25:21
Speaker 4: So I don't know if anyone else wants to smell this,
25:23
Speaker 4: but I treat it very preciously.
25:27
Speaker 2: Givanna passes it around and we each smell it. When
25:30
Speaker 2: we're done, the room returns to silence. Matt looks from
25:34
Speaker 2: Christian to Javanna. He wonders aloud what it might have
25:37
Speaker 2: been like had they met under different circumstances.
25:41
Speaker 3: Imagining you two coincidentally running into each other and then
25:46
Speaker 3: kind of figuring it out who each other was.
25:49
Speaker 5: I know immediately was that I would know immediately. Yeah,
25:55
Speaker 5: I'll never forget your face.
26:04
Speaker 2: It was the most transformative day of both their lives.
26:06
Speaker 2: And since Christian can't forget anything about it and Javanna
26:09
Speaker 2: can't remember anything about it, some kind of exchange needs
26:13
Speaker 2: to happen so that Javanna can reclaim the day and
26:16
Speaker 2: Christian can finally lay it to rest. Christian takes a
26:19
Speaker 2: deep breath and begins, I.
26:24
Speaker 5: Was going to school. I had an easy day. I
26:29
Speaker 5: was needed to be in class around twelve o'clock, so
26:32
Speaker 5: I woke up early and I had pre nutritious meal.
26:36
Speaker 5: I had oatmeal, a little bit of milk and innate that.
26:38
Speaker 5: Then I was just driving the school, and then.
26:42
Speaker 4: That's where I met you.
26:44
Speaker 2: Throughout the day, this language will recur. Christian never says
26:49
Speaker 2: when I hit you or when we crashed. It's almost
26:52
Speaker 2: always when we met, as in when two lines meet
26:57
Speaker 2: without agency, as though drawn by the tremulous hand of
27:00
Speaker 2: a child holding down a ruler in math class.
27:04
Speaker 5: So when we met, I remember there being a really
27:08
Speaker 5: large car in front of me, and I've processed this
27:13
Speaker 5: moment in my head over and over again. How that
27:16
Speaker 5: car in front of me blocked the view of my
27:18
Speaker 5: car because I have a really small on a civic
27:22
Speaker 5: and you thought you were fine.
27:27
Speaker 4: That's how I've understood it, too, is that we didn't
27:31
Speaker 4: see each other. I guess until it was too late.
27:42
Speaker 5: I saw the moments when you hit my windshield.
27:51
Speaker 2: According to the police report, earbuds were found lodged in
27:54
Speaker 2: the windshield. The impact of the crash had caused the
27:57
Speaker 2: roof of the car to cave in.
27:59
Speaker 5: For some reason, I was able to get the car parked,
28:02
Speaker 5: and I rushed to you. Some one yells at me,
28:07
Speaker 5: called nine one one, called nine one one, get help.
28:10
Speaker 5: I tried to call nine one one, and I couldn't
28:13
Speaker 5: do it. I tried over and over and over to
28:17
Speaker 5: type numbers in the phone, and I was in shock.
28:22
Speaker 5: Somebody else said they got we got the emergency responders
28:25
Speaker 5: on the phone. There on the way. We all just
28:30
Speaker 5: huddled around you, and you were going I think, in
28:34
Speaker 5: and out of consciousness, and we were trying to cheer
28:37
Speaker 5: you on. Just stay with it, stay with it. And
28:41
Speaker 5: everybody around us were we're trying to fight for you.
28:48
Speaker 5: I was over your body and I was looking down at.
28:51
Speaker 4: You, and it was just trying to cheer you.
28:55
Speaker 5: All the paramedics came and they were able to get
29:04
Speaker 5: you in the ambulance and everything, and then I just
29:06
Speaker 5: remember I just wanted to run away. I just wanted
29:09
Speaker 5: to get out of there, run away. And one of
29:11
Speaker 5: the police officers stayed with me and kept me calm,
29:15
Speaker 5: and I remember, uh, after a few hours, going to
29:19
Speaker 5: my dad and being like a bad thing happened, and
29:21
Speaker 5: I cried with him for a long time. Then we
29:24
Speaker 5: he we prayed for you, and my family prayed for you.
29:29
Speaker 5: That's pretty much what I remember from that day. It
29:34
Speaker 5: was very scary for me. I was very worried about you.
29:44
Speaker 4: I wanted to meet you because you're kind of like
29:47
Speaker 4: a fable in my head until now, like you're the
29:51
Speaker 4: man who sent me on this second half of my life.
29:58
Speaker 4: I've wanted I wanted to know how you are and
30:03
Speaker 4: how you've.
30:03
Speaker 2: Been You wanted to let Christian know I know that,
30:10
Speaker 2: like you were okay too.
30:13
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think I'm okay as well. Yeah. I don't
30:21
Speaker 4: know what happened at that intersection, and I can only
30:25
Speaker 4: believe that I'm at least, if not more, of fifty
30:28
Speaker 4: percent at fault. And I've been wanting to tell you
30:32
Speaker 4: for a long time that I'm sorry, that it's all right.
30:40
Speaker 4: The things I experienced later in the hospital and in
30:44
Speaker 4: my recovery were very beautiful for me, and I wouldn't
30:50
Speaker 4: have gotten to experience a lot without that accident. And
30:58
Speaker 4: it leads me to believe my heart that I love you.
31:04
Speaker 2: I love you too. Christian gets up on his feet.
31:12
Speaker 2: Gavanna rises too, and then they meet and it's Christian,
31:17
Speaker 2: not Givanna, who initiates it. It isn't a half hug,
31:32
Speaker 2: one of those awkward, one armed things that men do,
31:35
Speaker 2: but a full on embrace. Later, when I speak to Gavanna,
31:42
Speaker 2: he'll tell me that Christian didn't strike him as the
31:44
Speaker 2: huggy type, but that the hug he gave felt like
31:47
Speaker 2: the hug of someone who'd been saving up his hugs.
31:52
Speaker 4: I thought you could pick me up.
31:54
Speaker 2: I feel like you could pick me up, Gavannah says,
31:58
Speaker 2: I probably could, says. They sit back down, but continue
32:03
Speaker 2: to touch each other's fingers from across the coffee table.
32:06
Speaker 2: They look at each other without saying anything. They stay
32:09
Speaker 2: quiet like this for what feels like a long time. Later,
32:13
Speaker 2: I'll ask Jirvanna how he thought it all went, and
32:16
Speaker 2: he'll say that more than the talking or even the
32:18
Speaker 2: sense of sorrow, he shared, he was actually touching Christian.
32:22
Speaker 2: That felt the most powerful, that made him feel the
32:24
Speaker 2: most connected.
32:28
Speaker 5: I think we probably should have met a lot sooner.
32:31
Speaker 4: Yeah, I feel like lawyers hash things out before the
32:36
Speaker 4: people get to him. If I could do it over,
32:40
Speaker 4: we would have met a lot earlier. I'm happy I
32:44
Speaker 4: came today.
32:53
Speaker 2: Only one line has to alter its course, even the
32:56
Speaker 2: tiniest bit, and eventually two parallel lines will meet. It
33:00
Speaker 2: could take forever, only happening at some theoretical infinity point,
33:05
Speaker 2: or it could take four years and happen in a
33:08
Speaker 2: Portland hotel room.
33:10
Speaker 4: You'll be safe, you too, and okay.
33:19
Speaker 2: Christian sets off to find his girlfriend at the parade,
33:22
Speaker 2: and shortly after Javanna leaves two to meet up with
33:25
Speaker 2: friends outside. It's Saturday morning. And the streets of downtown
33:30
Speaker 2: Portland are bustling in a cab. On our way to lunch,
33:33
Speaker 2: Matt and I pass a group of young guys on
33:35
Speaker 2: a street corner. They're carrying shopping bags and look like
33:39
Speaker 2: they might be discussing where to eat. At the center
33:41
Speaker 2: of the group is a tall, thin redhead, his hair
33:44
Speaker 2: and a bun. Is that Javanna? Matt asks, I don't
33:48
Speaker 2: think so. I say he looks too young. But as
33:52
Speaker 2: we get closer we see that it is Javanna, out
33:55
Speaker 2: in the sunshine, shopping with his friends. He's not Jesusy
33:58
Speaker 2: at all. He's just the kid arise meat. But only
34:03
Speaker 2: for a second, and then we all continue along our
34:06
Speaker 2: separate paths.
34:39
Speaker 1: Now that the Fernitures return into its goodwill home, Now
34:49
Speaker 1: that the last month's rant is scheming with the damage
34:54
Speaker 1: to potty, take this moment to deserve.
35:00
Speaker 4: Man too felt from the Thames.
35:09
Speaker 2: A Heavyweight is hosted and produced by me Jonathan Goldstein
35:19
Speaker 2: along with Khalila Holt. The senior producer is Caitlin Roberts,
35:22
Speaker 2: editing by Jorge just, Alex Bloomberg and Wendy Door. Special
35:26
Speaker 2: thanks to Emily Condon, Devin Taylor and Jackie Cohen. The
35:29
Speaker 2: show was mixed by Kate Bolinski, music by Christine Fellows,
35:33
Speaker 2: John K. Sampson, and Edwich. Additional music credits for this
35:36
Speaker 2: episode can be found on our website, Gimletmedia dot com
35:39
Speaker 2: slash Heavyweight. Our theme music is by the Weaker Bands
35:43
Speaker 2: courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music is by
35:46
Speaker 2: Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at Heavyweight or email
35:50
Speaker 2: us at Heavyweight at gimbletmedia dot com. We'll have a
35:53
Speaker 2: new episode next week.
35:56
Speaker 1: Niway garrol O grams on bills.
36:04
Speaker 4: Are we repeated?
36:11
Speaker 2: H