Latest / The Golden Chronicles / Episode 17: Comparison- Today you are you..
Transcript
- Danielle: Hi, before we get into this week's episode, I just wanted to share a little bit with you about our sponsor, EAR-GOES High Fidelity Hearing Protection. I've shared a little bit about how I work in live events and how protecting my hearing is something that's really important to me. Well, EAR-GOES was founded by live music professionals and designed for people who need some hearing protection without sacrificing that sound clarity, which is exactly where I fall. I carry mine with me every day and I use them not only for hearing protection, but I also use them to help me stay focused in a noisy venue or on a flight. They do a really great job of reducing the volume without making everything sound muffled. You definitely don't have to work in the live events industry to use them because they are great for attending concerts, they're great for flying, they're great for sleeping when background noise is a problem. Eargoes offers several different styles and levels of noise reduction so you can choose whatever makes the most sense for your life. To check them out, visit EAR-GOES.COM That's E-A-R-G-O-E-S dot com and use promo code Golden for 15% off of your purchase. All right, let's get into this episode. Hi, welcome to this week's episode of the Golden Chronicles podcast. If you are joining us for the first time, we'd like to say welcome. And if you are a return listener, welcome back. it has been a couple of weeks since we last recorded and so we're glad to be back, glad to be having the conversation with you guys. Thank you for being patient with us. It has been a very busy summer and I just moved into a new house and so lots of changes, but here we are and we are hanging in there and getting through it. okay, before we get into this conversation, let's just preface this by saying here at the Golden Chronicles, our goal is to bridge generational and relational gaps through honest conversations. I think we have shared a bunch of things that we have learned. through our relationship with one another but I think we're just having these honest conversations maybe without a big lesson at the end of it but just sharing our experiences and what we're learning and what we're thinking about these things as we're learning them and we hope that you guys are in the same boat as us and you guys are having these conversations with the people that you love about the things that you're learning. and the things that you're thinking about and the things that are on your mind so we do hope that our conversations are thought provoking. Yes. we always learn something new in the conversations that we have. and maybe it will resonate with some of you and you'll be able to say, hmm, never thought of it that way. Yeah, you know like when you're on the couch with like a really good friend and you guys are just chit-chatting about life and the things that have been on your mind and you walk away and you're like, It just felt so good to process with my friend. I feel like that's how we feel about you guys. So all that to say, let's get into that definition. So today's word we are talking about comparison or to compare. And you know how we do? We like to look up the definition of a word. Comparison, the act or process of examining two or more people or things in order to recognize similarities and differences. Okay, so personally I feel like comparison is the thief of joy. comparing yourselves to how someone else's life looks or what they're doing is the thief of joy, but I think we will explore this and see if I'm correct in that initial assumption so I wanted to ask, is there anything about my life that you would say you compare with yours? Anything about your life? I don't know that I'm like making active comparisons, but I know that my life to timelines of your life life to timelines of your life are things that I've compared like for example timelines I've compared timelines of I've compared I guess yeah, how you communicate to how I communicate the types of friendships you have to the types of friendships I have just as kind of like a maybe not so much anymore, but I think it used to be as like a point of reference, which I think is a big reason why people compare anyways is as a point of reference, right? Yeah, I would agree. the way that I compare my life to your life is or what I compare is how you are more financially stable than I was in my younger life and to be quite honest even now. so I do compare that Yeah. comparison in a way that you're just noticing or comparison in a way that maybe makes you feel bad? say that it makes me feel bad. I just see the difference. Just noticing. Just noticing. Yeah. And I think I would be closer to realizing dreams if I had been more responsible financially. it doesn't cause me grief. Or even regret. Mm-hmm. I just it kind of motivates me to do better as I move forward. Gotcha Do you feel like your comparison is accurate? Your comparison about me is accurate or do you just feel like it's an assumption that you've made about me because of how I live my life or whatever? When it comes to finances I definitely believe that it's accurate. I don't really compare myself to you in any other manner or any other way just that. I had a different lifestyle than you. Stay at home mom. You're a working woman with a demanding career. I'm a working woman. Yeah. So you're working nine to five and and and beyond SINGING and so I'm very pleased with the family dynamic that I had, so I'm not comparing my family dynamic with yours. I'm happy for you in a In addition to that, I was happy with the lifestyle that we had when your dad was alive. Yeah, thats fair When I was married. Right. I feel like in the past I compared where I was or what I was looking for to where you were or what you had, if that makes sense. So when single dating, I had an idea of what I thought your marriage was and so if my relationship didn't look like what I thought a relationship that would turn into marriage looked like then I felt like it was wrong or a waste of time. Maybe. Growing up there were things that you all in, good faith were trying to tell me about what I should have in a partner based on what you had in your partner and based on what you thought a healthy marriage should be, right? Was it something that I verbalized or Yes. I think. Just in like this is what a good spouse is or this is what a good potential mate is and just the idea of what a marriage should look like. Okay. But not necessarily what you need to do to have your relationships look like mine. well Yes, but that more so came from our religious beliefs which can play into comparison, but I think like this is what a r healthy re happy, God centered relationship looks like. This is what your relationship should look like. And then, you know, hindsight is twenty twenty and we grow up and we look back and we're like, maybe that wasn't all it's cracked up to be. Not that like you guys had a bad marriage, but there were things in your marriage that maybe I was comparing my relationships to you. that weren't aligning and so I was like that it must not be right. Mm-hmm. or maybe there's something that I need to do differently. Maybe it's because I travel so much for work and a traditional marriage doesn't have one partner who's gone all the time. So just comparing it and then allowing the comparison to kinda get in my head and make me feel negatively about the situation that I was in or the situation that I wanted that I couldn't have or what felt like I couldn't have. That's pretty interesting because your lifestyle lifestyle really should not have been compared because they were so different, stay at home mom to a successful career woman, which is what your lifestyle was about. And I regret if I gave you the impression that your lifestyle was not measuring up because it was not in line with my lifestyle. Well that can be said for any type of comparison, right? Like none of our lives are the same. None of our situations are the same. None of our stories are the same and so comparison in general like is flawed because we're comparing our lives with someone whose lives we we just have a different life. Yeah. And in addition to that, recently I've been seeing myself differently. I'm into fashion as far as I'm really into the capsule wardrobe. I like all of my clothes to play well with one another. so I see that on others and I try to duplicate that, but I miss the fact that I've got a large belly. So the way that those outfits look on one person they're not gonna look that way on me and so for me to compare two me and someone who dresses the way that I want to dress. Mm-hmm. I've missed all that in that comparison. And so I think maybe And so did that comparison then make you feel negatively about yourself because you didn't consider the fact that you have different body shapes and now you're feeling like, why can't I look why don't I look cute or whatever? No. but I it was very eye opening. And I really appreciate that. Oh now I can see myself as I truly am, not through these rose colored glasses. So in everything that we compare, there are differences that we might miss. I guess that's what I'm saying. Gotcha. Huge differences. Right. That we might miss. Do you feel like you compared me to other kids that I grew up with Yes, I think I did, but unknowingly. it wasn't like, she measures up or she doesn't measure up. I just felt like you were special, you had a business you taught volleyball during summer camp. You were babysitter. You crafted your own resume. Yeah. At age eleven. At age eleven First of all, at age eleven, why was I babysitting people's infants overnight? That is crazy to me. I think I have an eight year old and I am like, first of all, I don't trust her to be alone in her bedroom for you know, all day. Talking about our neighbors? Mm-hmm. Okay. Yeah, they trusted you. I know. And I was eleven. You're leaving me with your kids overnight and I'm like Yeah, the dad saw your resume and he said, I'm sold. Yeah. Anyway. That's a good question. But you were so that was part of it. You were you were so capable. And so I don't I don't remember specifically comparing you to others. Yeah. But I thought that was special that you were that way. I feel like two things. I feel like you kind of did compare me to other kids in our church or who had different relationships with religion than I did. you wanted me to be engaged, right? and so I do feel like in some ways you compared me there, but then also the good comparison, I guess that's good, right? Being like my daughter's smart and capable. which I appreciate. I guess there's like when someone else is comparing you. I guess the negative could be, well now I feel like I have to live up to that. But that's my own thing. Did you feel the weight of that comparison? what'd you say? Not then, because then I was like, Yeah, I'm cool and I have a resume and I'm smart and I'm above average reading level, you know? But I'm sure in some ways it's affected me where now I'm like I'm smart and I'm capable and I'm mature and I have to be that and I can't like I can't just let go and have fun because I'm the mature one of the group. Yeah. Okay, I can see where I would have put that on you. And I think even during that time I felt like you were a step above. Yeah. And so I wasn't comparing for you to step it up. I guess I unknowingly had formulated a comparison in my mind. having you a step above. Right. So that's still a comparison. Right. So it's not always comparing and finding a flaw, a weakness, a downfall, but it's also comparing and Definitely. I can remember growing up and you were strict growing up. And I remember looking at how other teenagers got to operate in the world and comparing their parents parenting with your parenting. but which is funny because now sometimes I'll like, you know, run into one of those people and will, you know, reminisce and they'll say something about how they w wish that their parent was like you. my gosh. And I'm like, what? I feel like I mean I had a great childhood, don't get me wrong. But you know, sometimes you're like, Well, I wish that I wish that I had a parent a little more lax like your parent growing up, but funny that The whole time you were comparing your parent to my parent and wishing that you had they had you anymore. That's very interesting. Yeah. We compare and the other person is comparing in a different manner, in different light. Yeah, it's so different. For different reasons. I think that one man's trash is another man's trash. Are you calling me trash? No, no. Mom, you're trash. Yeah, but or the grass is always greener on the other side is really the the the quote, but yeah you see what someone else has or what you perceive as them having and you want what they have and mm then maybe it's not all that it was cracked up to be. Mm-hmm. Yeah, 'cause in some cases I think those who compare, it can lead to some very detrimental behavior, they can be driven to the point where it takes them away from what they're really wanting to accomplish. Right. I have this friend, David, he's fantastic, he tours with me. we're about the same age, we're both married, we're both Nashville base, we both have been touring for about the same amount of time and sometimes you're around all these kids on this tour are twenty two years old and they're rocking it but they're they're not married and they don't have any commitments and I'm married with a kid at home and you're like, am I is this okay for me to be here? And so David is my person who I'm like, okay, we're the same age, we both have a significant other, we both are kind of like doing the same thing. And so not like if David's doing it then I can do it too, but it's just kind of like okay we're the we're the same, right? So like I'm comparing my life, we're kind of in the same boat. And I told him that and he's like, That's so funny because I same with you. He's like, okay, Danielle's got a house, I got a house, you know. So I think like sometimes in comparing can help us have like a reference point of like where we are and see like, okay, they started in the same boat that I started in, and they're really successful, but also acknowledging like our stories are different, so my might not look like theirs but comparing in the sense that like if they can do it I can do it too. but then I think sometimes that can really backfire and then we're like, well now David's moving to his second house and you know God, is it time for me now David's coming off the road, like do I need to think about coming off the road and it's like no, it's a nice reference point okay, there are people, I'm not alone in the life choices that I've made but then I think it can also be detrimental in us to question ourselves and base our decisions off of someone else's decisions. One of the things that I was thinking about in comparing is I mostly compare the act, the process of a person accomplishing a goal more so than the accomplishment. So when they take steps to build a career, they put the time in. They learn what they need to learn, the tech skills, they make friends They network. So those steps I compare that to have I been doing the process? Have I been taking the steps? Mm to accomplish. So it's like I said, it's not necessarily the accomplished, but it's the steps that they've taken to accomplish their goals. And do you feel like that leaves you feeling inspired to do more? Like if they can do it, I can do it or I will put in some more effort because I see the effort that they're putting in, you know, like whatever. Yes. Yeah. Yes, because that negative self talk that we've talked about before, I am not capable. Rears its ugly head in pretty much everything that I do. Right. And so when I see them accomplishing, when I see them taking the steps to accomplish, that encourages me. one of the businesses that I'm working on I need to come up with a contract. I can come up with a contract. I can make that contract what I want it to be. Right. I can do the steps necessary to create a website. those are the steps that I need to get to the end result of the dream that I have. but that's where the comparing comes in. I need to take the steps and I admire people who do what they need to do to take the steps to get to where they want to be, to accomplish what they want to accomplish. That makes sense. Has comparison ever revealed to you something that you genuinely want? Like has it helped you realize like what you really want? What I really, really want is to what you want, what you really, really want is to get away from things that hinder me from accomplishing my own goals and my own dreams. so it kind of takes the attention off of comparison to responsibility for myself. yeah. Well that's a good place to be. That's a good way to use comparison. Yeah. I have to be responsible for myself. I have to know my weaknesses and I have to push through to get to the accomplishments that I have for myself. I feel like social media, I don't know if you feel this way too, has really upped the comparison game because I feel like now we're only seeing and we might have talked briefly about this already, but now we're not comparing granted, we've always been comparing ourselves to what we see, right? 'Cause we don't know the full story. But now people can curate what we see and it's not like we just get glimpses of real life. Now it's like, They are curating what they want us to believe is their life. Yes. And so and even, aside from professional influencers, this is just our friends on Instagram, right? Like I only post on Instagram what I want people to see. You know, and I'm not like trying to be an influencer and I'm not trying to deceive people, but you're only gonna see my cool tours and my podcast up and my whatever. and I think it's easy to compare what we see on social media to our lives and really we're just seeing a curated picture of what someone wants us to see. It's not reality and I liken it to liar liar pants on fire. Yeah. A lot of what you see is not true. And now with AI, my gosh even worse. speaking of social media, I guess there's more access to people's lives and more things that we can compare our lives to. Where like before you're just kind of in your own little bubble creating your own little roles and now you're able to see how people The rules that people have for their kids, the way that people put their groceries in the pantry, the way that people brush their teeth, like all these kinds of things that you can then compare your way of existing to. Mm-hmm. I think for me with social media I do find myself comparing other people who have podcasts. Mm-hmm. I compare our success to their success. Mm-hmm. And sometimes I'll get a little envious of the fact that they might have more followers than we have. Mm-hmm. but I work hard to let go of that comparison. Because I think what we have is genuine and I think it's beneficial. I'm enjoying having conversations with you no matter how difficult they are and so I don't find myself wanting to duplicate their success. maybe in the beginning I did, but it's not that anymore 'cause the people that do respond feel it's genuine. It is very genuine. The people who take their time to interact with us have all been very genuine. Very genuine. Yeah. And like I say, you know, at the end of all of my videos is, thanks for cheering us on. And I sincerely I know you you feel that way as as well. Yes. We're we're thankful One of the my favorite quotes I think you know is the one by Dr. Seuss, that says, Today you are you. That is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you. Mm-hmm. And I think for me, that gives me all the reason not to compare. Yeah. because there is no one meer than me. Right. And so once I start thinking about that, it takes out all of that other desire to compare myself to anyone right in this space. I had this friend on the road who we started doing gratitude every morning. And I do feel like when we're able to recognize we're able to be grateful for the things in our life or in our career or whatever we're finding ourselves comparing to, I think that that helps us to kind of have a little bit of perspective, to f feel glad for the spot that we're in. And I think, you know, in any situation there are people who are looking at us who are like, Well, I wish I had what they have mm and here we you know, here we are also comparing our lives to other people's lives and so Just to try to be grateful, have some gratitude for the life that you have, I think it really helps to shift perspective. let me ask you, so when you're if you are comparing yourself to someone, how do you feel when they fail, if they fail? I don't know that I've ever compared myself to someone who has failed. 'Cause I'm not it's not like I'm following someone's life story necessarily and like comparing life for life. I guess like maybe David, but Yeah. David is my friend, so I'm like also rooting for him to succeed. So if he fails I feel like bummed because my friends failed. Yeah, I think I just I guess fail may not be the appropriate word 'cause I have some people that I follow on Facebook that They're just not honest about what's happening. Uhhuh. And for some reason that causes me to like judge. And so that comes directly out of me comparing. and so I don't I really don't think that's appropriate and that's I wanna get away from that. Yeah, interesting. I guess I do like if I see I call it failing up where I see someone who like professionally hasn't done a good job and then the next time I see them they've got like a bigger job than the last time. Mm. so I'm not trying to be a hater but their success just boggles my mind because I'm like, but I don't know if that's ego. Everybody not everybody's everybody's cup of tea and just because you didn't work for this camp doesn't mean that you're not a good X, Y, or Z, you know. Right. But I don't you know, I don't want people to fail, but I also it is hard for me to see people who I don't think treat people well or do a good job. especially men. God love sometimes I'm just like, Wow, if that were a woman who had done that, she would never work in this industry again and yet here you are, you know, in this position of respect and power. I don't know. Yeah. That kinda leads into judgment and for me anyway I find myself I have to be very mindful because I can sometimes get into a mindset of judging. Mm-hmm. so maybe I started out comparing and then that switches on the judgmental switch. Right. And so I have to be mindful of that and back off of that. Right. It's not it's not up to me to judge them. No. I need to not only just back off from judging them, I need to change the way that I'm thinking about them. I want I need to think I want them to succeed. I want to see good things happen for them. Right. but I guess I feel like they're trying to pull one over on me. On you specifically or just on people annoying on on people in general. Yeah. And that annoys me. Yeah, that's kinda how I feel about people who fail up. I'm like, what there's so many people who are hard working who really wanna do this and you're jerk. You're a jerk. You're a lying jerk. Yeah, yeah. So but I have to be mindful, be mindful of that, you know. Yeah. They don't I don't know happened in their life Right. Right. so I will say there have been several times that I've been comparing like my trajectory with other people's trajectory career wise and sometimes it has allowed me to have conversations with people about where they are and how they got where they are and a lot of times those conversations have it's not the comparing necessarily that's taught me something but it's the conversations that hearing open the door to you, I guess that was something. Like I was talking to you, I had this a designer friend and I was talking to him about how, impressed I was that they were doing their own design thing and I here I am being like, he's got this like great business and he's so confident and I could never 'cause I'm not confident enough to like put myself out there and he's like, That's me every day And he has a business partner and he's like my business partner is really good at doing all that kind of confident stuff and he's like, It seems like my business partner never fails. Which is funny because the person who I was talking to, I've heard nothing but good things about. it's just funny how we compare ourselves to other I'm here I am comparing myself to him, thinking that he's got it all figured out and he's comparing himself to his business partner. I don't know, it's just crazy how that all works. Yeah, I agree. I agree. are there places in your life where you genuinely feel like you have succeeded and that there's no comparison needed and that you feel like what you've done is enough, even if maybe not succeeded, but that we're where you are and what you've done feels like. Mm, I would say the only thing that I could comment on in that is maybe I speak with a lot of people who don't have relationship with their adult children. Mm-hmm. And I think that the fact that you and I and Terrence you and me, me and Terrence, we have difficult conversations. Sometimes tough. Sometimes we just wanna gouge each other's eyes, bump each other in the throat, not even gonna lie. And I think that that's an accomplishment. Because so many people don't have that. Yeah. but other than that I s I have a lot that I want to accomplish and forward in. But there's no place other than, you know, being grateful that I have a relationship with my kids with you and Terrence. Right. and and I don't compare that to any other families. Well, I guess you kinda do 'cause you compare it to the people who don't have relationships with their kids. But you feel like it's enough for you that it doesn't need to be compared to Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's not that I'm looking at them and thinking I need to make improvements in the way that I have relationship with my kids, my adult children or I wish that my yeah relationship with my kids look this way or whatever. Right. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Mm. I really try hard not to compare myself in ways that are gonna make me feel bad about myself because I do have imposter syndrome and I do often feel like I'm not supposed to be in the spaces that I'm in and it's easy to compare I have some really smart people that I work around and it's easy to be like, well they're so smart, why do I have a gig if they are so smart and they can do what I can do and all this other stuff. But I had a tech that I was like super comparing myself to his knowledge of networking and stuff and I was really being hard on myself. I was like, okay, I need to read some books because this is the future and he's like really smart and if I can't keep up then I'm gonna lose my job. And then I was talking to him about it and he's like, yeah, I went to networking school, not even lighting school. I went to computer school and that's how I know all this computer stuff. And I'm like, six years he did this. You know, like that's why he's so smart on this. mean yes, I need to learn things and be willing to learn new skills or whatever, but like I don't need to be at his level because he literally nothing. School of hard knocks. Yes, exactly. I was thinking as you were talking, you know, sometimes we look at other people's lives, we become made aware of their lives. And We see them reaching their milestones. And I think we can benefit from the wisdom of others. agree. And I don't know if that comes from comparing them or just noticing them, being in relationship with them, yeah, and learning from them. Right. Maybe on like a very basic level it's comparing similarities versus differences, but maybe not in a way that's detrimental to our mental health or our Yeah. Yeah. Maybe just in a way that it's an In the same way that we're self aware and we learn by watching and by, you know. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Great conversation about comparing comparisons. Yeah. And comparing maybe isn't a bad thing as long as we're doing it in a way that's it can be a resource it can be a tool but also we need to just make sure that way it's we're it's not getting out of control right check our motives or right our our mindset when we're comparing and and not getting stuck in that Yeah. It's and it's like, you know, we're not trying to keep up with the Joneses. You know, I saw this meme on Facebook. don't try to keep up with the Joneses. I saw them at Walmart. their credit card was declined. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I mean that up to my eyeballs. Somebody helped me somebody help me. I don't know if you guys remember that commercial. That was so funny. I'm gonna have to look that up on YouTube see if I can find it. Yes for sure. Alright well thank you guys once again for joining us. I hope that you guys feel like this is a conversation that if you're if is on your mind if you've been comparing yourself that you'll have these conversations with yourself and with the people that you love and you know, understand why you're comparing. Some grace and not expect your life to look like everybody else's life my mom doesn't look like those other moms and at the end of the day, I guess those other kids wanted my mom anyway, so even though I didn't get to go to the mall was gonna snatch much. Yeah. Even though I didn't get to go to the pool by myself. It's fine. I guess we did have good conversations. If you guys feel so inclined, please feel free to share our podcast with someone who you think might be interested in listening. also feel free to follow, rate and review us on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Yes, thank you guys. Yeah. Thank you for cheering us on. Thank you. Until next time. Bye. Bye.