Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Parenting Mirror: What Your Kids Are Really Learning From You [Parental Guidance Ep. 4)

Transcript

The Parenting Mirror: What Your Kids Are Really Learning From You [Parental Guidance Ep. 4) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: The last big episode of Parental Guidance Season three, Episode
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  Speaker 1: four hit the screens last night. Hopefully you're able to
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  Speaker 1: watch it. Really important conversation around mental health issues to
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  Speaker 1: do with our children, young people, but even ourselves. There
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  Speaker 1: was so much in this Hello, Welcome to the Happy
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  Speaker 1: Families Podcast, Real parenting Solutions every Day. This is Australia's
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  Speaker 1: most downloaded parenting podcast. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson. Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: so much to talk about. We're going to tackle a
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  Speaker 1: couple of the big topics from last night across this
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  Speaker 1: week on the podcast. Let's just do a quick catch
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  Speaker 1: up on who our parents are.
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  Speaker 2: Josh and Cassie we are the life school parents. We
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  Speaker 2: live in our caravan.
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  Speaker 1: We learned from real life experiences while giving our kids freedom.
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  Speaker 2: Nick and Sophia we're the positivity parents, where confidence is key.
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  Speaker 3: Elvi and Sean the idea authoritative parents.
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  Speaker 1: We have high expectations children were set to strict rules
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  Speaker 1: and boundaries and.
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  Speaker 4: Mandarin has Son.
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  Speaker 3: We are the hard way parents.
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  Speaker 1: We do things the hard way, no shortcuts. It's hard
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  Speaker 1: on us, but grateful the kids. So our brand new
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  Speaker 1: week and we've turned our attention to mental health how
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  Speaker 1: camparents lay a strong foundation for good mental health for
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  Speaker 1: their children. Right now, mental health issues among kids and
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  Speaker 1: young adults are at an all time high. Australia is
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  Speaker 1: in the middle of a mental health crisis, particularly for
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  Speaker 1: young people, with stress, anxiety, depression and self harm all
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  Speaker 1: on the rise. As parents, the strongest defense is helping
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  Speaker 1: kids build emotional well being, connections and resilience. And Kylie,
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  Speaker 1: this is what our first challenge was.
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  Speaker 4: We gave them a realistic toddler doll to look after.
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  Speaker 4: Do they know how to be nurturing towards the baby?
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  Speaker 4: How to meet its needs? So what have your kids
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  Speaker 4: picked up from you? The role models in their life?
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  Speaker 5: How do you really parent?
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  Speaker 4: To find out give your children a chance to act
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  Speaker 4: as parents.
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  Speaker 3: The new baby is waiting? Are you ready? Why don't
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  Speaker 3: stop crying?
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  Speaker 1: Why if they live it here? And just way to
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  Speaker 1: stop crying?
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  Speaker 3: We did implement cry out approach really strictly.
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  Speaker 2: Twelve month of cry out approach.
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  Speaker 3: Even though Stacey cry really loud up to an hour,
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  Speaker 3: we still pretend not hearing that.
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  Speaker 1: Where I know I have had for you?
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's right.
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  Speaker 5: For you.
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  Speaker 1: So Carli, first off, let's talk about the authoritative parents
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  Speaker 1: and how they've responded to having this screaming, annoying little doll.
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  Speaker 1: It makes a lot of noise. But what did you
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  Speaker 1: identify as you were watching that?
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  Speaker 5: I think Elvie has made no apologies for the kind
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  Speaker 5: of mother that she is, and she's acknowledged that compliments
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  Speaker 5: and nurturing don't come naturally to her.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, really high expectations, quite strict.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah, and as a result, I wasn't surprised at all
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  Speaker 5: to see the way the girls responded to the doll.
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  Speaker 5: I firstly, don't think they actually took the challenge seriously,
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  Speaker 5: I would agree at all, and so I think it's
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  Speaker 5: probably a little bit unfair to judge them entirely based
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  Speaker 5: on their unwillingness to engage in the activity.
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  Speaker 1: Yep, completely agree.
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  Speaker 5: But it was pretty hard to watch to just, you know,
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  Speaker 5: hear them making fun of the baby while the baby
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  Speaker 5: was crying and suggesting that they were just going to
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  Speaker 5: leave the baby until it cried it out. As a mum, obviously,
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  Speaker 5: my heart's kind of aching a little bit knowing that
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  Speaker 5: a baby cries for a reason, and our job is
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  Speaker 5: a parent, the nurturer, the care is to find out
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  Speaker 5: what's wrong.
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  Speaker 1: So on the TV show, I had to be very
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  Speaker 1: careful about what I said around things like crying it out.
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  Speaker 1: But let me be a little bit more direct here
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  Speaker 1: on the pod. I feel like we can say stuff
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  Speaker 1: on the pod that we probably wouldn't say on national TV.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know why it's different, because we've got a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people who listen to the pod as well.
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  Speaker 1: So I'll be really really direct about this. Number One,
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  Speaker 1: the evidence around crying it out is challenging. There's some
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  Speaker 1: evidence I think that's reasonable that says that it's better
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  Speaker 1: if you don't do it, but overwhelmingly it's really hard
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  Speaker 1: to find evidence one way or the other. The real
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  Speaker 1: issue is that as parents, we hate it. It absolutely sucks.
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  Speaker 1: The other thing that I did say on the show,
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  Speaker 1: and I was really clear about this, is if your
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  Speaker 1: child is under the age of six months, you should never, absolutely, ever,
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  Speaker 1: under no circumstances should you be using a cry it
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  Speaker 1: out method. I did say in the room, and they
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  Speaker 1: didn't quite have the chance to elaborate on it because
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  Speaker 1: of timing in the show. But there is going to
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  Speaker 1: be an argument for cright out if your well being
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  Speaker 1: is suffering, like if you've got post another depression. If
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  Speaker 1: you are not coping, if you're stress and anxiety levels
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  Speaker 1: through the roof. Sometimes you just need to get enough
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  Speaker 1: sleep and that might mean using that technique. Personally, I
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  Speaker 1: don't like it. I'm generally opposed to it except in
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  Speaker 1: the rarest of circumstances. But these kids that's their go to,
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  Speaker 1: And I think it's because I've got parents who are
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  Speaker 1: fairly strict. It's like, stop it, or there's no iPad,
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  Speaker 1: that kind of thing, right, Number one, don't give a
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  Speaker 1: baby an iPad. But number two, kids learn what they
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  Speaker 1: live and if you live with threats, and if you
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  Speaker 1: live with assertive, power centric comments, then you will learn
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  Speaker 1: that and mimic that. And that's what we saw there
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  Speaker 1: and it's definitely worth the conversation. However, what we really
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  Speaker 1: need to talk about is what happened with the positivity parents.
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  Speaker 3: Who was mummy? Who was daddy? Your mom?
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  Speaker 2: Dad is changing?
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  Speaker 3: Bonnie?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, don't you think mom should have done most of
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  Speaker 2: the work.
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  Speaker 3: Who dresses you in the morning, he addresses you for dance?
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  Speaker 2: Who dresses you when you finish dance?
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  Speaker 1: Like?
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  Speaker 2: The only time dad dresses you is maybe if he
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  Speaker 2: gives you a shower.
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  Speaker 5: We got that and.
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  Speaker 4: Like dad does, and then.
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  Speaker 2: I address you all the time.
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  Speaker 3: Dad dresses us at night, and it was.
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  Speaker 5: I don't think you do.
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  Speaker 4: Are you just like competing though, like with like who
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  Speaker 4: cares who's doing it?
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  Speaker 2: It's got nothing to do with competition. It's got to
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  Speaker 2: do with I'm taking care of my child. And I
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  Speaker 2: hope she knows that. I just wanted her to be truthful.
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  Speaker 4: Was that about accuracy or is it more about you
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  Speaker 4: needing validation?
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  Speaker 3: Part of me was like, she honestly doesn't think Dad
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  Speaker 3: is the one dressing I'm with them twenty four hours
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  Speaker 3: a day, raising a human that I want to be
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  Speaker 3: truthful and honest.
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  Speaker 5: Oh this was hard to watch, and you really hit
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  Speaker 5: the mark when you suggested to Sophia that she actually
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  Speaker 5: wasn't as interested about her child being honest and truthful
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  Speaker 5: from her own perspective. She needed the validation that she
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  Speaker 5: was doing everything.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, there's the truth and then there's how you
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  Speaker 1: see it and how I see it. And some people
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  Speaker 1: are closer to the truth higher levels of self awareness,
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  Speaker 1: some people have lower levels of self awareness. We actually
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  Speaker 1: had another intervention, you know how last week I went
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  Speaker 1: out with the life school parents and we had a
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  Speaker 1: conversation about reading and their children's literacy. Well, we also
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  Speaker 1: had another conversation about this topic with Nick and Sophia. Unfortunately,
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  Speaker 1: again because of timing, we just couldn't quite squeeze it
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  Speaker 1: in and it didn't work with everywhere else the show
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  Speaker 1: is going. But this idea of self awareness, the willingness
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  Speaker 1: to hear another person's perspective and recognize that from their perspective,
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  Speaker 1: they're probably right, and to be humble enough to recognize
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  Speaker 1: that sometimes our perspectives are seen through our own filters.
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  Speaker 1: It's just so important. If there was one gift that
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  Speaker 1: I could give every single person on the planet, it
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  Speaker 1: would be the gift of self awareness. That might be
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  Speaker 1: catastrophic and devastating for some people to discover where they're
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  Speaker 1: really at. But as a parent, it's so important that
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  Speaker 1: we can see how we are responding to our children,
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  Speaker 1: that we can have that mirror held up to us
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  Speaker 1: and have that level of self awareness.
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  Speaker 5: I think that the challenge we have as parents is
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  Speaker 5: we know how much effort we're putting in, we know
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  Speaker 5: how much we're sacrificing, we know how much we're giving
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  Speaker 5: up for our children, and when our children don't recognize that.
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  Speaker 5: It's like a sucker punch to your heart. It's so
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  Speaker 5: hard to be giving all day, every day and not
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  Speaker 5: have anyone notice what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's that conversation that I had in the room, right,
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  Speaker 1: that was that conversation around as a parent, I actually
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  Speaker 1: believe this. Your role as a parent is to give
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  Speaker 1: and given, given, given, given, not get anything in return.
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  Speaker 1: It's an unfair relationship. It's completely unequal relationship. It always
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  Speaker 1: has been and it always will be. That's the nature
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  Speaker 1: of parenting. And when you start demanding appreciation, when you
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  Speaker 1: start demanding some sort of equal input, you just end
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  Speaker 1: up being frustrated and disappointed and feeling like being a
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  Speaker 1: parent's the worst job ever.
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  Speaker 5: But I don't think our children should know how much
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  Speaker 5: we give up for them.
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  Speaker 1: They can't know. That's the point that I made in
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  Speaker 1: the room. They actually can't know.
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  Speaker 5: But I don't think it's fair to want them to know,
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  Speaker 5: Like would you ever want them to know, like the
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  Speaker 5: challenge and the hardship that you go through for them,
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  Speaker 5: Like I don't want my child ever carrying that weight.
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  Speaker 5: I want. All I want them to know is that
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  Speaker 5: everything I did was in the name of love.
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  Speaker 1: Wouldn't mind if they did the dishes now and then.
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  Speaker 5: That would be nice.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, but that's the key point, and I'm really glad
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  Speaker 1: to raise that. All right after break a little bit
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  Speaker 1: more to talk about that came from the Positivity parents.
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  Speaker 1: One thing to consider in your relationship is clarity around
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  Speaker 1: roles and responsibilities. And that's what I would pick up
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  Speaker 1: on now in terms of the challenge that the Positivity Parents'
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  Speaker 1: kids got involved in. So in our case and seemingly
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  Speaker 1: mostly in theirs as well, it's the more traditional model.
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  Speaker 1: But to me, the most important point that I want
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  Speaker 1: to make here is that having good communication around how
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  Speaker 1: the household functions, that's the critical point.
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  Speaker 2: As positive parents, we definitely do fall into a traditional
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  Speaker 2: family role.
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  Speaker 3: I stay at home.
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  Speaker 2: I do all the things that you know mum does,
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  Speaker 2: Guy cook, Kai clean, I shoup. I take care of
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  Speaker 2: the kids. I take them absolutely everywhere.
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  Speaker 1: I take care of Nick.
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  Speaker 2: It is a traditional role. And then again it's not
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  Speaker 2: because he'll then load the dishwasher.
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  Speaker 5: Hey, I'm not not feeding her mother, here, go wash
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  Speaker 5: the dishes. No, you wash the dishes. The dad always
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  Speaker 5: washed the We have regular conversations with our children about
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  Speaker 5: when these kinds of conversations need to take place. It's
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  Speaker 5: not once you're living together. No, No, that is way
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  Speaker 5: too late. We actually encourage our kids to start having
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  Speaker 5: those kinds of conversations the division of responsibility while they're dating.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, like not on the first date, but as you
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  Speaker 1: start to get into a more serious relationships, like so,
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  Speaker 1: who's going to work? And how are they going to work?
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  Speaker 1: And what if we both want to work?
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  Speaker 5: And what if I don't want to work? Or what
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  Speaker 5: if I want to stay home and look after the children.
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  Speaker 5: Do you have a problem with that? And who's going
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  Speaker 5: to take out the rubbish and who's going to mow
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  Speaker 5: the lawn? Like it seems like like trivial conversations until
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  Speaker 5: you're living it and you recognize that you are not aligned.
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  Speaker 1: So something that I've written about in quite a lot
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  Speaker 1: of detail in my upcoming Boys book is that we
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  Speaker 1: encourage our daughters to look for the chair stackers. And
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  Speaker 1: what we mean by that is it's pretty well recognized
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  Speaker 1: and acknowledged, And we talked about this a lot of
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  Speaker 1: the podcast that as a general rule, the emotional load
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  Speaker 1: and the cognitive load is carried primarily by mum in
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  Speaker 1: the household is often unseen, and much of it you
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  Speaker 1: can't put on a to do list. And so our
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  Speaker 1: conversation with our girls is look for the chair stackers.
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  Speaker 1: That is, at the end of the night, when the
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  Speaker 1: event's over, who's stacking the chairs. Because the guys that
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  Speaker 1: sign up to stack the chairs, the guys that see
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  Speaker 1: the need and fulfill it, the guys that provide a bonus,
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  Speaker 1: extra value. They're the guys you want to look out
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  Speaker 1: for because when you end up in a long term relationship,
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  Speaker 1: when you get married, you want the guy who's the
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  Speaker 1: chair stacker. You want the guy who doesn't need to
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  Speaker 1: be asked what to do. You want the guy who
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  Speaker 1: sees that there's a need and he goes and satisfies it. Oh,
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  Speaker 1: it looks like my wife is working late tonight. I
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  Speaker 1: better go and get on with dinner. I don't need
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  Speaker 1: to ask what is going to be for dinner. I'm
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  Speaker 1: just going to go and make the decision because I'm
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  Speaker 1: capable of doing it. I've got a brain in my
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  Speaker 1: head and I can do that stuff. Look for the
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  Speaker 1: chair stackers.
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  Speaker 5: I'm really glad you shared that. I think too often
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  Speaker 5: couples go into a relationship thinking that fifty to fifty
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  Speaker 5: and even split is the way to go. And the
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  Speaker 5: challenge with that is if I'm doing what I consider
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  Speaker 5: my fifty percent, but the other person isn't, why would
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  Speaker 5: I want to pick up their load because I'm already
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  Speaker 5: doing my full amount?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah? Yeah, I don't think scorecards work in marriage. There
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  Speaker 1: has to be You can't have a passenger parent, somebody
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  Speaker 1: who's literally along for the ride like that. That's unfair.
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  Speaker 1: But if you're both working as a team, I mean,
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  Speaker 1: I believe in the one hundred hundred marriage right behind.
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  Speaker 5: Well, sometimes I give one hundred and twenty percent, other
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  Speaker 5: times it's you. I think about a team, right and
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  Speaker 5: if one of our players breaks leg he's on the sideline,
• 14:02
  Speaker 5: does that mean he's not part of the team anymore?
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  Speaker 5: Does that mean he's not pulling his weight? The team
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  Speaker 5: rally around him in spite of the fact that he's
• 14:08
  Speaker 5: not there. They fill in the gap until he's able
• 14:11
  Speaker 5: to get back on track.
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  Speaker 1: And they don't look at the poor guy and get
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: all resentful and say, oh, for goodness sakes, just get
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  Speaker 1: up and do it anyway, Like there's a willingness to
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  Speaker 1: work as a team I guess is at the heart
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  Speaker 1: of it ches Stackers. I mean, this was a really
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  Speaker 1: interesting conversation. I was absorbed by what happened in this challenge.
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  Speaker 1: It seemed like it was fairly basic stuff, looking after
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  Speaker 1: a doll, how much you're really going to learn. I
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  Speaker 1: know that they don't all take it seriously, but it
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  Speaker 1: led to some really fascinating conversations. Speaking of there was
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  Speaker 1: one more family our life school parents, the family of
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  Speaker 1: five boys. They were pretty rambunctious, and I don't know
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  Speaker 1: that they took it extremely seriously. It looked like they
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: were having just a lot of fun with this particular challenge.
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  Speaker 1: But the conversation that happened after they did the challenge,
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  Speaker 1: that's when this happened. And I'm really anti that boys
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  Speaker 1: will be boys.
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  Speaker 5: Okay.
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  Speaker 4: It really does stereotype type of behavior that is not okay.
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  Speaker 1: That's tomorrow on the Happy Families podcast, which is produced
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. We really appreciate Craig Bruce,
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: our executive producer for this parental guidance series, and Mimahammond,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: who provides additional support and admin. The Happy Families podcasts
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: will be back tomorrow If you'd like more information and
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: more resource to make your family happier, you can visit
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: us at Happy families dot com. Do AU