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I’m Struggling | The Diary of An Addict Part 1 · Recovering Out Loud

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  I thought today I'd do an episode on getting current.
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  So the diary of an addict alcoholic.
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  Hey guys, welcome back to Recovering Out Loud.
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  I'm your host, Anthony, and I'm an addict alcoholic.
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  Getting current is important in recovery for all of us because
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  it's very easy for me to put on a show and present a stage
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  character in recovery and tell everybody that I'm doing fine
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  because I have a year and a half, almost year and a half
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  sobriety again. And I don't want you to know
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  that I'm struggling. I don't want you to know that I
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  have any struggles. I want you to think that I am a
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  good member of recovery that is working his program and nothing
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  is going wrong and everything is under control and I'm tapped in
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  and all these things. This, this stage character that
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  I present to the world because I want to be perceived as this
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  strong, independent man who has it under control and is aware of
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  his his emotions and how they affect people.
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  And I am a principled man and I'm a good person, but it's
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  tough. It's tough right to to practice
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  integrity and to be a good person all hours of the day.
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  We are not Saints. I make mistakes all the time.
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  So I thought that it'd be a good idea to bring to light the
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  current scenario of my life, my current circumstances.
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  I always say this, but I don't have problems today.
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  I have a bad perception. I see the world through a lens
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  based on my defects of character at the time.
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  I see the world through my lens and my old behaviors, my old
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  ideas, and that doesn't serve anybody.
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  So how do I shift perspective? How do I shift perception?
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  How do I see things more clearer?
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  How do I quiet the noise in my head so that I can pray to God
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  and have all the defects removed so that when fear crops up, I
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  can ask it to be removed? So that when I'm quiet, my
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  mental bandwidth I I'm able to channel this creativity from a
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  higher power into the solution. I'm able to get a solution when
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  I'm undisturbed in quiet. So let's get into it.
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  I've complained a lot this year about financial insecurity and
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  paying the thousands of 10s of thousands of dollars in debt in
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  my relapse bill from hotels and partying.
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  Guess what? I haven't gone hungry in this
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  past year. I've had heat on in my house.
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  I am not getting what I want, but here's another way to look
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  at it. Let's shift perspective for a
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  second. This past year, having living
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  paycheck to paycheck has taught me such an important, valuable
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  lesson that I can't learn from reading a book.
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  I have to bang my head on the wall to learn these lessons in
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  my life today. And I think a lot of you can
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  relate. You can tell me all these quotes
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  and listen to all these podcasts, but I have to go
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  through it myself. Having the financial insecurity
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  has taught me how to handle my money better, how to save money,
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  how to budget all these things which caused me to spin out and
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  brought me down last time. There's clearly a glaring issue
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  here in my life, which is I don't know how to budget.
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  I don't know how to save money. I don't know how to not want
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  things. I don't know how to not want to
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  obtain material success. So Amir has been held up this
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  past year and I've learned a lot about myself.
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  I've swallowed some uncomfortable truths in working
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  with a mentor and going through recovery programs and journaling
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  and meditating every day. So what am I doing?
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  Like I said, I'm talking to God more.
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  I'm asking for fear to be removed a lot often.
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  I'm asking for self will to be removed a lot often.
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  Because I constantly my ego wants to come in and remember
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  ego is edging God out. My ego comes in and tells me
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  that I can control this on my own, I can handle it on my own.
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  You're strong enough. Willpower will get you through
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  this. And it has not been my
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  experience. The more I rely on a power
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  greater than myself, the more independent I actually become.
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  It is the great juxtaposition of recovery, the great sacrifice
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  that you know when you make it, things just start to work out.
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  Not in my time and not the way I want them to, but they always
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  work out. And the universe, God's plan, is
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  always more creative than I could have ever drawn up, I
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  could have ever imagined. Problems get solved when
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  sometimes I need to do nothing and accept the reality of the
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  situation except life as it is, and not lie to myself and tell
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  me that resistance, right? It can't be this way.
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  I cannot be in this financial situation.
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  How can this happen, this resistance towards the truth,
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  resistance towards reality, full flight from reality.
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  That is my one of my problems today is that I, I just can't
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  accept life on life's terms. One thing that I started doing a
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  lot was I started meditating. I downloaded an app, the app is
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  called waking up. It costs money, but I you can
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  get a scholarship and get it for cheaper.
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  I'm not sponsored by them, but I highly recommend getting some
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  kind of guided meditation app if you're in recovery.
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  Even if you're not in recovery, 10 minutes out of my day where I
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  listen to a guy talk and tell me how to observe consciousness,
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  how to sit and just be OK with silence and notice things as
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  they come up. And it's not me versus
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  consciousness. I am a part of consciousness.
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  I am a part of reality. This, the guy honking outside,
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  that is a moment in consciousness.
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  It is not me observing the moment from here to there.
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  There's no subject, subject, object.
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  I can really get into the weeds with this one, but essentially
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  it's just noticing thoughts, noticing patterns of energy in
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  my body, noticing pressure and temperature and being in the now
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  you want to find God, Where is God?
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  God is now. May you find him now.
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  That is the only place God exists.
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  Power greater than myself exists within is now.
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  Not when I'm experiencing calamity and spinning stories,
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  projecting movies onto the world, but when I am sitting in
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  quiet and aware, paying attention.
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  Meditation has helped me so much.
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  I can't stress enough how important it is to my recovery.
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  Being able to just notice when I want to get angry at somebody,
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  notice when I'm judging somebody, notice when I'm not
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  telling the truth about a situation and I'm doing that
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  thing again and you just laugh it off is a beautiful,
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  indispensable gift that one could receive.
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  I've been speaking a lot more in recovery spaces.
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  I've been asked to share my story and it's been going really
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  well. I shared at a meeting last night
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  and I had a few people come up to me and tell me about the body
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  dysmorphia and how they can relate to not feeling like
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  enough and searching for outside things to change my insides.
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  I have lost my right to chemical Peace of Mind, but I need to go
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  through all the avenues first to realize that I'm beyond human
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  aid, that there is nothing in the world that can satisfy this
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  alcoholic addict as much as a power greater than myself.
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  That inner resource, that that strength, that spiritual friend,
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  that spiritual being, the creator, whatever you want to
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  call it. But being in touch with that is
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  a beautiful place to be. I talk about secrets a lot as I
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  record this. Today I have no secrets.
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  Tomorrow that might change. I don't know.
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  I need to constantly be checking myself secrets.
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  You're only as sick as your secrets and they will take you
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  back out because it creates a wide immense amount of shame,
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  guilt, remorse, bitterness, resentment towards yourself,
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  resentment towards others. Share that shit.
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  Get it out with people in your recovery space.
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  Don't just go to your spaces and pretend that everything's all
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  right. Get vulnerable and find somebody
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  that you can be completely, 100% honest with.
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  Make sure somebody on this earth, some human being, knows
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  100% of you, everything that's going on in your life.
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  Make sure you disclose it with one person.
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  Coming up to the end of my schooling, for the first year,
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  it's been a challenge. I used to tell myself that I'm
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  not a school person and that wasn't doing me any service, any
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  anything that wasn't doing me any good.
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  Telling myself that I can't be a student, I can't do this, this
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  is too hard. Nothing good comes of that.
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  So I've been reprogramming my thought pattern and my
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  conversation with myself. The most important conversation
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  you have in life is with yourself.
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  I've been reframing it to, yes, I am a student.
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  I am accepting reality. I did choose to go into this
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  program and become a counsellor and help other people finish
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  what you started. Anthony.
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  It's a beautiful gift to be able to recognize that.
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  I feel like an imposter a lot of the time, and that's OK, but I
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  can do things I put my mind to when I'm sober.
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  Working at the rehab has also been a blessing.
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  Talking to new Alcoholics and addicts, trying to get them into
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  rehab, often being the first phone call for somebody that's
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  scared and doesn't know what to do it.
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  I feel like I'm talking to myself every single time the
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  time I speak to these people. It is truly amazing.
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  If you can find your passion in life, something that you're good
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  at, do it. Don't worry about the money.
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  If I can give anyone any advice, and this is to myself as well
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  because I often get hung up on this, just find your joy in
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  doing what you ought to be doing.
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  It's there. There is something that you are
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  good at that you can help others in and also make a living doing
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  it. Find that thing.
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  This past year, I've also realized that I do a lot of this
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  comparison thing when I, when I meet outside people, when I'm in
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  the world, when I'm exposed to my environment and community
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  and, and God's children, I often compare myself to people I'm
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  either better than or less than them based on fully physical
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  features and observations. And again, stories that I spin
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  about people. If you're wearing a white, a
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  nice watch, you must be a rich asshole.
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  And that's kind of the story I tell myself in my head.
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  Not helpful. I've been working on that a lot,
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  noticing these thoughts arise and before I, you know, how can
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  I be of service to this person? If somebody wrongs me, This is a
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  sick man, sick woman. How can I help them?
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  Service keeps me straight. Service keeps me accountable and
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  it keeps me out of my own shit. There's nothing better than
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  helping another alcoholic through a difficult process.
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  I'm working with a guy right now that's on the edge.
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  She's teetering and it's, it's not up to me whether he gets
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  sober or not, but when he's ready, I'm here.
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  And you can be that same lighthouse for somebody else.
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  You're not telling them what to do.
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  You're sharing your experience with them.
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  Hopefully they grasp some of the principles and want what you
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  have. And if you want what I have, you
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  have to do what I did. I won't tell you to do anything,
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  but here's what I did. Here's how I achieved freedom.
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  I'm free today. I'm a free man.
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  I don't have any secrets, my resentments are at Bay.
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  I am not constantly casting my negativity onto the world.
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  I am not a burden in anyone's life.
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  I am a principled man that is doing his best essentially
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  today. Tomorrow that might change.
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  All I have is today. All you have is today.
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  One thing that I noticed I do a lot this past year is isolation.
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  So finding myself being more comfortable being alone or at
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  home with my wife, then out in my community and hanging out
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  with my friends. Fellowship.
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  Fellowship is important because it shows you that you can be
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  around people that want the best for you and you can enjoy life.
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  The simple pleasures in life, building relationships, gaining
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  knowledge. When I hang out with people that
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  are in recovery, I learn about myself.
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  They tell me their struggles and how they're getting through
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  them, their unmanaged abilities and how they're dealing with it.
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  It helps me be a better man, a better husband, a better son, a
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  better brother. Going for coffee is a quick,
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  easy way to get out of this rut. Just finding a number in your
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  phone that you've met over the years or over the months at
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  recovery events, meetings, spaces, Ask them to go for
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  coffee. You won't regret it, I promise
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  you it is. I always leave feeling better
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  about myself and about my status in the world and my place in
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  this world. You are no longer alone.
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  I mentioned integrity a little bit, but this is something that
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  keeps coming up. I'm constantly faced with
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  situations where I can easily not practice my recovery program
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  and not take the principled approach and skimp out on being
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  a good person. Integrity is doing the right
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  thing when no one is watching. It is so hard to be a principled
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  person throughout every instance of your life, you're constantly
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  being faced with the universe will throw things at you that
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  you need to work on. There's a scientific term behind
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  it. It's a real thing.
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  You will be constantly faced with more if you need, if you
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  need to work on patience and you ask God to be more patient, you
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  will be presented with situations that will require
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  your patience and it's you're sharpening a skill.
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  Patience is such a great asset to have in recovery because I
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  don't need to control outcomes. I can just do the next right
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  thing and let God take care of the outcome, do what's in front
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  of me, leave the results up to him, up to the universe.
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  It's not up to me. And I don't need to have the
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  answer all the time because again, like I said in the
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  beginning, what I come up with is nowhere near as creative or
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  imaginable. I can't imagine anything that
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  God has in store for me because I just can't.
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  I'm AI have finite power compared to infinite power.
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  Lack of power is my dilemma today.
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  So again, short 1 today, hopefully that helped somebody.
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  If you're struggling, reach out for help to somebody that you
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  trust. Maybe telling them that one
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  thing you're holding on to that secret, maybe that'll say it
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  might save your life. So I don't know, try it, maybe
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  it'll work for you. I know today that the more
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  secrets I have, the more sick I am, the more closer I am to
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  rehab and relapse again. Recovery is a beautiful gift to
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  not be taken advantage of, to not be taken for granted.
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  Not everybody gets the privilege and opportunity to be in
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  recovery, so remember that today.
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  Recovery is simple, not easy.