Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Trying to Conceive After Loss When Everyone Else Is Pregnant | Grief, Trauma Triggers & Hope with Sarah Berle

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Trying to Conceive After Loss When Everyone Else Is Pregnant | Grief, Trauma Triggers & Hope with Sarah Berle · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

• 0:10
  Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
• 0:17
  host Bernice Quisenberry. Trying to conceive after loss
• 0:28
  changes everything. The hope feels different, the
• 0:32
  way fear shows up, and the way pregnancy announcements land in
• 0:36
  your body. You can be genuinely happy for
• 0:39
  someone you love and still feel completely undone.
• 0:42
  You can want another baby more than anything, while missing the
• 0:46
  one you lost just as deeply. Today on Cried Out Loud, we're
• 0:49
  joined by Sarah, known as Sarah the Detox Coach on Instagram,
• 0:54
  who is bravely breaking the silence around grief,
• 0:57
  infertility, trying to conceive after loss, and the emotional
• 1:00
  complexity of trying again. Sarah, thank you so much for
• 1:04
  being here for and for giving words to an experience so many
• 1:07
  of us carry after loss. Thank you for having me.
• 1:11
  Seriously, I, I love what you're doing here.
• 1:14
  It means so much to me to be able to have this community and
• 1:18
  to be able to integrate my community community with you
• 1:21
  guys as well. It's such a beautiful thing that
• 1:24
  you're doing. So thank you for having me.
• 1:26
  Aw, thank you, Sarah. And it does, it means so much to
• 1:28
  have your voice. Have you a part of us, you know,
• 1:32
  in a volunteer capacity and just really spreading that message.
• 1:36
  And one of those things, you know, I feel like in a society
• 1:42
  sometimes when we're opening up or sharing about our losses and
• 1:45
  then trying to conceive after and, you know, seeing others
• 1:49
  around us having babies, you know, everybody's like, we'll
• 1:53
  try to remain grateful for this, remain grateful for that.
• 1:55
  And it's really hard to find that gratitude sometimes when
• 1:58
  we're in the depths of it. And I would love for you, you
• 2:01
  know, to talk about things that you've experienced with that.
• 2:06
  For sure, and sometimes I keep coming back to this one
• 2:11
  statement that, you know, for one, if you don't have anything
• 2:15
  nice to say, don't say anything at all.
• 2:16
  There's a lot of people out there that have this world is so
• 2:20
  crazy right now. But like, you know, people feel
• 2:23
  the need to input something. They, they may be trying to be
• 2:27
  nice, they might be best interests at heart, but
• 2:30
  sometimes it's just like them just sitting with you in
• 2:34
  silence, just saying I support you, not trying to input your
• 2:38
  advice, not trying to give Wellness tips or what works for
• 2:41
  their cousin. You know, sometimes just being
• 2:44
  present with that person is more important than anything else.
• 2:49
  Second, it is so hard and so difficult because I know the
• 2:55
  last time that we talked it was the holidays and we went over
• 2:59
  like how difficult the holidays are for me personally and you
• 3:03
  know, everyone else out there who is navigating infertility or
• 3:06
  baby loss, how difficult especially, you know, Christmas
• 3:10
  and New Year's and all that is because everybody, it seems like
• 3:14
  everybody's announcing pregnancies.
• 3:17
  And for me, I had the unique experience.
• 3:21
  My 4th nephew was born December 22nd and so we got to travel
• 3:27
  home for the holidays and it's it was such a weird, weird thing
• 3:33
  for me to experience because flashback to when my sister told
• 3:38
  me that she was pregnant for the 4th time.
• 3:43
  She was so nervous to tell me because she knew everything
• 3:47
  that, you know, I had been going through everything that I've
• 3:50
  been through. And she was so nervous to tell
• 3:52
  me. And it's like I struggled with
• 3:55
  that because like, of course I'm happy I've got another nephew.
• 3:59
  Like, of course I am. But I mean, it is hard to hear,
• 4:05
  you know, someone who so close to you is so easily able to get
• 4:10
  pregnant and like, you want to be happy for them, but you're
• 4:12
  feeling waves of emotion of, you know, grief and jealousy.
• 4:16
  And, you know, like, all of those things are very valid and
• 4:19
  very important for you to navigate when you are going
• 4:23
  through grief. It's so important to feel those
• 4:25
  things. So it's OK if you feel, you
• 4:28
  know, anger or jealousy. Like, you know, that's something
• 4:31
  that I just pray on it. You work on it.
• 4:34
  And yeah, I mean, it's completely normal to have those
• 4:38
  feelings. And I, I feel like this time
• 4:41
  around, being 37 years old, trying to conceive, like I have
• 4:45
  this entire new outlook on, you know, everything that I've been
• 4:50
  through with five losses, having a rainbow baby and experiencing
• 4:53
  all of these people around me having babies.
• 4:56
  It's just like, you know, I, I look back and my journey is this
• 5:03
  time around is so different. And so, you know, I'm very
• 5:06
  thankful for the experiences that I did get to have and be
• 5:12
  able to share it with everybody else.
• 5:14
  So if I could give you 1 big piece of advice, it's to try
• 5:21
  with all of your mind to focus on being present in today.
• 5:26
  Focus on the emotions that you are feeling.
• 5:30
  No matter what they are, they are valid.
• 5:32
  And work on those emotions and then focus on one that one thing
• 5:38
  that you can for the day and then the next day focus on
• 5:41
  whatever else that you're feeling.
• 5:42
  Because if you take things day to one day at a time, you're
• 5:46
  going to get to a point where you look back and you're going
• 5:49
  to realize how strong you are, how capable you are.
• 5:53
  And it's just, it's kind of freeing once you get to that
• 5:57
  point where you are able to hold your best friend or your
• 6:01
  sister's little baby and feel all of the things and not feel
• 6:08
  guilty for feeling all of those things.
• 6:10
  You will get to that point where you able to process all those
• 6:14
  emotions in one time. I promise you, you will get
• 6:16
  there. Yes, absolutely, Sarah.
• 6:19
  And you know, just circling back to what you said, you know, a
• 6:22
  lot of times people say things to make themselves feel better.
• 6:25
  So like in those moments when we're opening up, we're sharing
• 6:28
  about our losses, you know, and they're so well intended, but
• 6:32
  they feel like they need to give us advice because we didn't
• 6:34
  already hear it. Even though, you know, when
• 6:35
  we're in this world, we already are fully aware with things that
• 6:40
  we should do with trying to conceive all the different
• 6:42
  things, right? Like we research it and like go
• 6:44
  down those Google deep dives and everything like that.
• 6:46
  But it really is for themselves when they say things, they're
• 6:49
  like, oh, I feel like I helped. And really it's like, no, you
• 6:51
  just got me to shut down. And, you know, and then we walk
• 6:55
  away politely cause like, what else are we going to do in those
• 6:57
  moments? It's like, OK, they're just not
• 6:58
  seeing me. They're not listening.
• 7:01
  And they're not just sitting in silence with us, which is huge.
• 7:04
  And then, you know, you said it so well, Jealousy and envy.
• 7:08
  They can live while we're still experiencing joy and happiness
• 7:11
  for others. And that's a natural and human
• 7:14
  reaction and emotion that we can feel in all of these things.
• 7:18
  And just feeling all those emotions because yes, you're
• 7:21
  valid. Yes, they're legitimate.
• 7:23
  They're so important for us to feel.
• 7:25
  We say like you need to feel it to like heal it and like work
• 7:28
  through and really process and staying present like one day at
• 7:33
  a time. Sometimes it's like 1 minute at
• 7:35
  a time, sometimes it's one hour at a time.
• 7:37
  But really like figuring out like what do you need in those
• 7:40
  moments to help you hope and to help you, you know, process
• 7:45
  'cause it can be a lot, it can be overwhelming.
• 7:47
  And I know, you know, when we were going through and I loved
• 7:50
  how you share that, Sarah, like especially, you know, trying to
• 7:53
  conceive in just years of it and watching others around us just
• 7:57
  getting pregnant and pregnant. And I was getting older, you
• 7:59
  know, 3738. And like, you know, all of a
• 8:01
  sudden it's like, Oh, I know I have like more issues now
• 8:06
  because of that, like ticking bomb that they make you feel
• 8:09
  like with your egg timer and all the different things.
• 8:12
  And it's like, you know, in the season, our friends and family
• 8:16
  and loved ones around us are, you know, conceiving and getting
• 8:19
  pregnant and announcing it and the holidays.
• 8:21
  It's always so much heavier too. And I know they're thinking it's
• 8:24
  a gift and it is. And it's a a beautiful.
• 8:26
  Gift, but you're in the. Depths of it, right?
• 8:29
  It's. Just.
• 8:31
  Heavy, yeah. Yeah, you said that very well
• 8:34
  because it brought me back to a conversation that I was having
• 8:39
  with my sister. So, you know, we were in the
• 8:41
  bathroom, we were getting ready for dinner.
• 8:43
  And, you know, it's like me, my my handle is Sarah, the detox
• 8:49
  coach. And I'm going to give you a
• 8:50
  little bit of a back story. When I first started this
• 8:54
  journey after my 5th miscarriage and started sharing my story, I
• 8:58
  had no idea the complexity of what it was going to become.
• 9:03
  I started this because I, I learned something.
• 9:08
  I hired a private hormone clinic and they taught me about
• 9:11
  indoctrine disruptors. And so my entire thing that I
• 9:15
  wanted to start, I just wanted to share bits of information
• 9:18
  with women who are have a similar story as me and help
• 9:22
  them detox their life from environmental toxins.
• 9:26
  You know, I'm, I'm not well versed in a lot of medical
• 9:32
  terms. I should say I'm not a medical
• 9:34
  professional by any means, but I did the research, I read the
• 9:39
  clinical studies, I read books, I read, you know, I, I follow
• 9:43
  all these fertility doctors and the ones that are doing good in
• 9:48
  this world are Hall saying pretty much the same thing.
• 9:51
  You know, there's root causes to everything.
• 9:53
  So anyways, that's how my, my handle came about.
• 9:56
  And so me and my sister were talking about like non-toxic
• 10:00
  swaps that we make here and there.
• 10:01
  And, you know, she's a lot more lenient about, you know, certain
• 10:06
  things. She does care about detoxing her
• 10:10
  environment for the sake of her children, but she's not as
• 10:14
  particular as I am, right? When you know, I'm like a, if it
• 10:18
  has this ingredient or that ingredient, it's a hard no for
• 10:20
  me. And it's just it makes me
• 10:23
  wonder, you know, why does my sister, we came from the exact
• 10:27
  same background, grew up in the same environment.
• 10:30
  Why is it so easy for her? You know, and like these things
• 10:34
  go from my head. She, she doesn't care like I do.
• 10:37
  She doesn't, you know, have to revolve into her entire life
• 10:40
  around trying to conceive. She just gets pregnant so
• 10:42
  naturally. Like how, how?
• 10:45
  And it's like, you know, in that moment, like we were just
• 10:48
  getting ready for dinner and I'm having all of these thoughts in
• 10:52
  my head and I'm, you know, I stopped myself because it just
• 10:57
  made me doubt everything. And I realized like, that's one
• 11:02
  completely normal for me to feel this way.
• 11:04
  And that's a, that was a phase of grief for me, you know, like
• 11:09
  questioning all of these things, like why two people raised in
• 11:12
  the same household? How can our fertility journey
• 11:16
  look so different? But you know, at the end of the
• 11:20
  day, like I realized that I, that's not my story.
• 11:25
  That's not what I was called to do.
• 11:27
  And I later, you know, when I got home and I was settled and I
• 11:31
  was reflecting on everything, I realized like my purpose became
• 11:39
  from in spite of everything that I've been through, had I not
• 11:43
  gone through any of that, I wouldn't be here.
• 11:47
  I wouldn't be so grateful for the things that I do have.
• 11:51
  And not saying that you have to, you know, I'm not trying to say
• 11:54
  a cliche statement should like be grateful or anything like
• 11:57
  that. It took a lot of work for me to
• 12:00
  get there. I mean, two years of navigating,
• 12:05
  you know, processing my feelings and emotions and everything.
• 12:08
  Like it took two years. And that's just a starting point
• 12:11
  for some people. I mean, some people, I think you
• 12:13
  can take 6 to 10 years to be able to have that like aha
• 12:17
  moment. And so wherever you are on your
• 12:20
  timeline, just know that it's OK to feel whatever you're feeling
• 12:25
  right now. Don't feel rushed.
• 12:26
  Don't feel like, Oh well, time isn't on my side.
• 12:29
  You know, like first of all, I mean, 35 is the new 25.
• 12:35
  You know what? People are having babies later
• 12:37
  in life. That is a statistic there is
• 12:40
  don't feel rushed by any timeline whatsoever.
• 12:43
  You have to be emotionally ready to start to try to conceive
• 12:47
  again. So no matter where you are in
• 12:50
  your journey, do not worry about time, just trust.
• 12:55
  Trust in yourself. Trust that you know what is
• 12:59
  meant for you will happen in time.
• 13:02
  So yeah. Absolutely.
• 13:04
  I mean, I feel you so much on that.
• 13:07
  Like when I made the egg timer or you know, earlier, it is
• 13:10
  true. Like society makes you feel that
• 13:11
  way like you do. But realistically people are
• 13:15
  having babies into their 40s and stuff like that.
• 13:17
  And you know, and you know, having a good care team and
• 13:20
  having the right doctors beside you and everything like that
• 13:24
  makes a world of difference, you know, and all of that on your
• 13:27
  journey and what that looks like for everyone.
• 13:31
  It's so true. And you know what's interesting,
• 13:34
  Sarah? So you know, of course, like
• 13:36
  took you 2 years to like process, work through, like
• 13:40
  really navigate what this life was right and like what your
• 13:43
  purpose is and all of that. Like what boundaries did you
• 13:46
  feel like, 'cause I know myself, like I had to set a lot of
• 13:49
  boundaries like self protection and also protect my peace
• 13:53
  because I feel like that was so important in those moments too.
• 13:55
  Like what did you, you know, have to do in those in that, you
• 13:58
  know, two years to really, you know.
• 14:01
  I did a lot of self reflecting. I did a lot of, if it's not like
• 14:07
  if you're not for me, I'm done. Because if you're not willing to
• 14:13
  meet me where I'm at and make me feel comfortable and safe, you
• 14:18
  are going to be a season in my life.
• 14:21
  And I'm not saying that like you can't come back in the future.
• 14:25
  I'm saying I'm doing whatever I possibly have to to protect my
• 14:29
  peace right now. And so I got really comfortable
• 14:33
  in saying no and protecting myself 1st.
• 14:38
  And I don't care how selfish that looked to anybody, family,
• 14:44
  friends included, if it wasn't if you weren't meeting me where
• 14:48
  I was at, I was cutting you off. And a lot of people have a
• 14:53
  really hard time doing that. And just, I mean, talking to
• 14:57
  friends even they're just so willing to accept things from
• 15:00
  friends and family. People are in close circles to
• 15:04
  them. They're so willing to just, Oh
• 15:06
  well, they're family or you know, this person's been my best
• 15:10
  friend for 20 years. And when you're in the middle of
• 15:14
  something like baby loss and that person hasn't truly, if
• 15:20
  they've never had to experience baby loss from this health, they
• 15:23
  will never understand to the fullest which you are going
• 15:27
  through. And if they're not willing to
• 15:31
  just go on Google, what can I say just or what's your next
• 15:34
  time say somebody navigating miscarriage?
• 15:37
  If you're not willing to do that, then you are a part of a
• 15:41
  season that I'm putting behind me at this point in time.
• 15:45
  And that's OK. I don't want anyone to ever feel
• 15:48
  like they have to prioritize someone else's feelings while
• 15:52
  you are trying to process your own feelings.
• 15:54
  Yes, you're. Not responsible for protecting
• 15:57
  their feelings. Yes, absolutely.
• 15:59
  You're not responsible and like, you know, they like that
• 16:02
  emotional and like intelligence and things like that.
• 16:06
  And I think, you know, going back to traumatic baby loss,
• 16:09
  like realistically, like gets us there to that point of
• 16:13
  protection, right? And like setting those
• 16:15
  boundaries and no is a complete sentence, No period and also
• 16:18
  seasons and reasons. Oh my goodness, yes.
• 16:20
  And like if somebody's not meant to be in our lives forever or
• 16:23
  they come in, they enter, they leave, they come back, whatever
• 16:26
  it is is so spot on. And whoever's meant to will be,
• 16:29
  you know, all of that. But it's also, like you said,
• 16:33
  like it's not about them, it's about you and what you put that
• 16:37
  oxygen mask on 1st, you know, making sure that you're doing
• 16:40
  whatever in your power to get you back to a place, you know,
• 16:45
  that you're not in like fight or flight all the time, you know,
• 16:48
  and like literally survival mode.
• 16:51
  And if they can't understand that, you know, that's sad.
• 16:56
  It really is. And they're just not meant to
• 16:58
  be, you know. And I think getting to that
• 17:00
  point and understanding that, you know, it was really
• 17:03
  difficult, especially when you're a people pleaser or, you
• 17:05
  know, you always have been. And it could take year.
• 17:08
  Like, you know, it could take six months to a year.
• 17:11
  And at first I remember it being like, I don't want to lose one
• 17:15
  more thing in my life right now. And so it was all of that.
• 17:18
  And I was like, oh, this person has always been there for me.
• 17:20
  But when I really reflected, like journaled and like really
• 17:23
  thought through who has been there for me and is willing to
• 17:26
  get uncomfortable, that's the thing too.
• 17:29
  Like I, I have been so willing to get uncomfortable to be with
• 17:33
  people and sit with them in their grief.
• 17:35
  And I'm not saying that for kudos or anything like that.
• 17:37
  It's like who is willing to sit there with you and feel the
• 17:42
  silence, feel everything with that person, cry with them like
• 17:45
  all of the things and make yourself.
• 17:48
  And even if it's not uncomfortability, just like
• 17:51
  entering into that situation is the ones that are your like true
• 17:55
  soldiers beside you, like the ones that rally around you and
• 17:59
  are meant to be in your life, is what I felt like to Sarah and.
• 18:02
  Some of those people are allowed to be complete strangers.
• 18:06
  Yeah. I was more comfortable telling
• 18:09
  my story with thousands of strangers than I was with my own
• 18:16
  best friend and my husband. It was more comfortable telling
• 18:19
  my story to strangers. And that is OK.
• 18:22
  You do whatever it is that you have to do to talk about it with
• 18:29
  whoever is going to give you the reaction that makes you feel
• 18:33
  safe and at peace. And you brought something up and
• 18:38
  I just wanted to just talk about it really quick.
• 18:41
  So fight or flight. And I know that's like a trendy
• 18:44
  buzzword right now because everyone in the Wellness space
• 18:46
  is talking about fight or flight, right?
• 18:49
  But. It's like nervous system
• 18:51
  regulation, and it's all of that with trauma and all of it.
• 18:54
  Yeah, Sarah, Yeah. I want to talk about that for a
• 18:57
  minute because I've spent the majority of these past two years
• 19:02
  learning to identify that my body was stuck in fight or
• 19:06
  flight. And let's just put that in
• 19:09
  perspective, what that actually means.
• 19:11
  That means we've gone through trauma.
• 19:14
  So trauma is one of the biggest things that's going to affect
• 19:21
  your nervous system. Your nervous system shuts down
• 19:24
  and you experience high levels of stress, grief, trauma,
• 19:30
  unprocessed feelings, all of these built up feelings, just
• 19:34
  feelings on feelings, good feelings and your body shuts
• 19:38
  down. And here's me after my third and
• 19:42
  even 4th miscarriage. I was like every 3rd month I was
• 19:45
  getting pregnant. I, I'm ready to have a baby.
• 19:47
  I just want to have a baby. But knowing what I'm, what I've
• 19:50
  spent the last two years doing is focusing on nervous system
• 19:55
  regulation, getting my body out of fight or flight.
• 19:59
  Because your fertility, your everything relies.
• 20:05
  On your nervous system and world renowned fertility doctors are
• 20:08
  talking about this right now. And so this is very, this is
• 20:12
  very, very important that I know.
• 20:16
  Trust me, I know more than anyone, I've had five
• 20:19
  miscarriages. I know how impatient you are,
• 20:22
  how rushed you feel and how desperately you just want a baby
• 20:26
  in your arms. I want you to slow down.
• 20:30
  I want you to focus on your feelings and being able to learn
• 20:34
  how to regulate your nervous system.
• 20:36
  I want you to go ChatGPT it ask ChatGPT what you have to do to
• 20:41
  regulate your nervous system. What are the the signs that I'm
• 20:44
  looking for? You know, what are the symptoms
• 20:47
  that I'm experiencing and just work on that.
• 20:50
  Talk about your feelings and then notice how your body is
• 20:53
  going to react. I want you to notice that.
• 20:57
  Absolutely, and that's why we have nervous system regulation
• 20:59
  videos. We hold a once a month free
• 21:01
  session for it. Like it really, you know, right.
• 21:06
  And we have a couple fertility docs that have talked about this
• 21:10
  and it's yeah, it's whoo it is it, it it really like, I feel
• 21:16
  like the, do you ever have those?
• 21:17
  Like you were saying the aha moments or the me too.
• 21:19
  Me too, me too. So when someone else is sharing
• 21:22
  or I feel like it's relative, it's like, yes, I just feel
• 21:24
  this. And I felt that too.
• 21:26
  Like with PCOS and endometriosis, like whenever I
• 21:29
  read anything about that or like side effects, things like that.
• 21:31
  And it's like, yes, like this all makes sense, right, 'cause I
• 21:34
  was diagnosed with those things. Like, oh, This is why my body
• 21:36
  does this. This is why I react to this.
• 21:38
  This is why this It's the same with this and seeing trauma
• 21:42
  responses and grief responses and how your body just reacts is
• 21:47
  like hold. On to it.
• 21:49
  Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. So, yeah, I mean, just looking
• 21:54
  into that helping along the journey and if that
• 21:56
  recommendation is, you know, helpful for you, definitely, you
• 22:00
  know, go down that path and journey and and we're here for
• 22:04
  all of it, of course. But yeah, yes, Sir.
• 22:07
  Learning. Learning how to just talk right,
• 22:12
  you know, because like, for a long time, I didn't know how to
• 22:15
  talk about it. I didn't.
• 22:17
  It wasn't. It wasn't until I started
• 22:20
  sharing it with the world that I realized, you know, how freeing
• 22:25
  that was for me to be able to talk about it out loud, to
• 22:31
  recognize, you know, my losses and that I was living in trauma.
• 22:38
  You know, it wasn't until I got all of that out of my system
• 22:41
  that I was able to look back and see how far I've come.
• 22:44
  So if if you can get to a safe place and talk to somebody
• 22:50
  completely unbiased, talk to a stranger or whoever, just get it
• 22:55
  all out there and I promise you, you'll feel so much better.
• 22:59
  My goodness, yeah. I call it trauma dumping.
• 23:01
  Like I do it and it does. It feels like it's like cuts
• 23:04
  your pain in half each time you do and the more comfortable you
• 23:07
  get. But it's so validating when
• 23:09
  you're doing it in a room with people who understand what you
• 23:12
  are going through. And they have been through it.
• 23:14
  And it's a whole different. Like in support groups, I even
• 23:18
  am on their sharing because, you know, you still like, I still
• 23:22
  have things I need to get out. Like each day is different.
• 23:25
  And you know, this is not a process that like we just get
• 23:27
  over either. You know, we don't just forget
• 23:30
  about the babies we lost. And some days are easier than
• 23:32
  others, you know, and being years out, you know, from it,
• 23:36
  it's still like, you know, there's times, there's dates,
• 23:39
  there's all of those things that take you right back there
• 23:41
  sometimes. And just like sharing is a whole
• 23:44
  different thing with Someone Like You and I today, Sarah
• 23:47
  talking about this, it's like, yes, I feel like a bobble head
• 23:49
  over here. I always say that.
• 23:51
  Yes, yes. Do you ever feel like it's so
• 23:54
  hard to make adult friendships? But then you find people who
• 23:59
  been through what you've been through and you're like, are we
• 24:02
  best friends? Yes.
• 24:03
  Best friends instantly became best friends.
• 24:08
  It's so. True.
• 24:10
  And it's like when you share like a similar trauma, you know,
• 24:14
  or experience, it's like, gosh, you just see me.
• 24:17
  Like you just get me. I don't feel judged.
• 24:20
  Yes. Don't have to over explain.
• 24:22
  Not going to be judged. I can sit here and share
• 24:25
  different things. You're going to be like, Yep, I
• 24:26
  get that. Even if you have an experience,
• 24:28
  you're going to get it though, you know, I could get how you
• 24:30
  got there, you know, or how you thought that.
• 24:32
  Yeah, thanks. And my biggest thing was, is I
• 24:35
  was so nervous telling people about how I was feeling because
• 24:39
  I just felt like I was being judged and like, you know, for
• 24:42
  saying negative things. And I'm like, I'm, I'm not a
• 24:45
  negative person. You know.
• 24:47
  I'm pretty neutral, right? Like I do, like I vent.
• 24:51
  I vent, but I just felt like the things that people were probably
• 24:56
  saying about me behind my back, just because I was being honest
• 24:59
  with my feelings, It's just like I felt so much pressure.
• 25:04
  Yeah. Sorry you can't handle my
• 25:05
  feelings. Like I'm I'm sorry that you want
• 25:07
  me to church this up. You want me to like fluff it and
• 25:10
  make it look pretty, but I'm not pretty with a little bow right
• 25:13
  now. Like I'm just being honest and
• 25:14
  real so I can help the next person too.
• 25:17
  Who? Experiences.
• 25:18
  You don't say those things to them or, you know, come at them
• 25:21
  with these things. And it's like when people ask
• 25:23
  you how are you doing? They don't really want to know
• 25:25
  how you're doing. No, it's like, but you know how
• 25:29
  many times, like, just like what?
• 25:30
  And I was like, whoops, Like that probably wasn't the
• 25:32
  situation, but it doesn't matter anyways.
• 25:34
  And it's like, OK, well, they made me feel unsafe.
• 25:36
  Like never again. Like I'll avoid them.
• 25:37
  Like, you know, but it's also like, don't really ask me that
• 25:42
  if you don't want the right answer, you know, or if you want
• 25:44
  your answer because sometimes you're not going to get it
• 25:46
  because like, didn't you? Also, I felt this so, so much.
• 25:49
  I lost like my ability to really cushion things.
• 25:53
  Like, I'm not just going to sit here and say what you want me to
• 25:57
  say when I have no bandwidth right now because I'm literally
• 26:00
  in survival mode that fight and flight right at the beginning,
• 26:02
  especially like, so there's nothing right now I like, I
• 26:05
  don't have it in me to like sugarcoat this for you.
• 26:09
  No. And they want those and they do
• 26:11
  they. I feel like they want that
• 26:14
  Instagram influencer life like where like, OK, so sometimes
• 26:18
  when I'm shooting Reels, I'm like, if you have my counter and
• 26:23
  you would zoom out all the nest that's on each side, like that's
• 26:27
  literally what they want. They just want that zoomed in
• 26:30
  focus of oh, how are you? How are you doing?
• 26:35
  And then you start talking, you're like, OK, I need to just,
• 26:37
  yeah, they can answer everything.
• 26:42
  Yeah, they can't handle it honestly.
• 26:44
  And then, you know, like I said, people want to feel better by
• 26:46
  saying something to you, like to make themselves feel good.
• 26:48
  Like, oh, I addressed it, that's great.
• 26:50
  Like I said it and things like that, it's like, no, no, like,
• 26:54
  and it's the same here. Like, OK, you asked me how I'm
• 26:57
  doing. You just want the good.
• 26:58
  OK, You like you want the generic I'm.
• 27:01
  Doing great. I'm just getting on with life.
• 27:04
  And yeah, it got to a point where I just felt like I
• 27:08
  couldn't even answer those questions anymore.
• 27:12
  I don't have an envy to be fake. I don't superficial
• 27:16
  conversation's out the window, like unless somebody wants to
• 27:18
  get into like, you know, just like depths, like I can't.
• 27:22
  That's shallow water. I can't just hang out in shallow
• 27:24
  water anymore. It has to run for me, you know.
• 27:28
  And those are the that's that is the exact moment when you
• 27:32
  realize you have to set a boundary with that person
• 27:34
  exactly. And it's not, it's not like they
• 27:37
  did anything wrong. It's not.
• 27:39
  But it's also not like they did anything right either.
• 27:42
  And if they're not for you in that season, then that's just
• 27:45
  when you got to realize that you have to cut that person off for
• 27:48
  the time being to protect yourself.
• 27:50
  Nothing is forever unless you want it to be right and it's
• 27:53
  it's just self preservation. It's like you were saying like
• 27:56
  the safety, the security, all of those things that is so
• 27:59
  important in our healing process.
• 28:01
  And you know, really it's just to focus on, to focus on
• 28:04
  ourselves. We have to be self as I'm being
• 28:06
  selfish, it's self-care. I have to like, and I'm saying
• 28:10
  that out loud because I also have to repeat that to myself.
• 28:13
  I'm literally in survival mode. Self-care is extremely important
• 28:18
  and doing whatever we have to do to survive, like you were saying
• 28:21
  to Sarah. Yes, Amen to that.
• 28:25
  Amen to that. It is ridiculously hard,
• 28:28
  especially now when, you know, the world is so loud and
• 28:32
  everything we do I feel is criticized or judged or I mean,
• 28:37
  you, you can say one thing and somebody's going to interpret it
• 28:41
  20 different ways. Oh, I know.
• 28:42
  And so it's just like, if you can't say out loud how you're
• 28:47
  feeling or what you've just how you feel in general and not feel
• 28:53
  safe to say it, that's that's when you got to take a step back
• 28:57
  and try to find your tribe of like the person that's always
• 29:02
  not in their head. Yes, I get it.
• 29:04
  There is that person up there. There is.
• 29:06
  Your trust circle, absolutely. You know it's really like who's
• 29:10
  going to be in that circle? My circle got real small.
• 29:13
  You know, I used to have like a huge serving plate size of
• 29:16
  people in my life, right? And I was like quantity over
• 29:20
  quality. And now it's like a handful of
• 29:24
  people and yeah. It's like the people that you
• 29:26
  know you've, you've been friends with forever.
• 29:29
  Like literally half my life, I've been friends with some
• 29:31
  people and then they're always wanting the good parts.
• 29:36
  They always wanted the, or the gossip or you know what show or
• 29:41
  whatever. But the moment that you get real
• 29:44
  and raw, they're shut off. And it's, it's really true to
• 29:50
  explain to that person who you love deeply, you care about them
• 29:53
  so much and you cherish all of the memories that you've had
• 29:58
  your half your life, but they're not meant for you this season.
• 30:02
  And it's OK to tell them, hey, I need to take a step back from
• 30:05
  this friendship right now just to protect myself.
• 30:09
  Like, and it's, it's ridiculously hard because you
• 30:12
  know, no matter what you say, you're going to be hurting their
• 30:13
  feelings. But you're going to have to get
• 30:16
  to a point where the only way that you find true healing is if
• 30:20
  you protect yourself. So yeah, Yep.
• 30:25
  And it's so true if you don't feel like you can be honest or
• 30:29
  trust somebody with your heart and your feelings and just
• 30:32
  really feel a sense of comfort when you're with someone, when
• 30:35
  you're openly sharing and being raw and real with your true self
• 30:40
  and getting it out there. It's a done.
• 30:42
  It's it's done for me. I mean, that's, that's it.
• 30:46
  Or if I feel except. Something that you know, you
• 30:48
  figure out and you realize that you have other things in common
• 30:52
  with other people and, you know, people come and go into your
• 30:55
  life and. Yes, as we grow, you know, we're
• 30:58
  growing too as humans and as and you know, and when you're having
• 31:03
  those growth spurts and, and things like that, that's really
• 31:05
  when you do recognize, you know, some people weren't meant for
• 31:08
  that growth and that's OK. Is totally OK.
• 31:12
  It is OK to outgrow yourself. It's OK to outgrow yourself 1020
• 31:16
  times. As long as you are growing and
• 31:18
  you are working towards a better self.
• 31:21
  You can evolve as many times as you want and it's OK to let
• 31:26
  people go. It's OK to put yourself first.
• 31:28
  It's like you said, it's not selfish, it's self-care.
• 31:30
  So. Yes, absolutely, Sarah.
• 31:34
  I know. This has been, of course, always
• 31:37
  so wonderful to have you on here, your beautiful voice,
• 31:40
  everything that you do on Instagram for us, for your
• 31:43
  community, you know, every, our community, just everything.
• 31:46
  We just can't thank you enough. Is there anything that you want
• 31:49
  to leave everybody with before we wrap up today?
• 31:52
  Just know that you are loved, you are so deeply loved and
• 31:55
  there is always a space for you. I find that it's I have a lot of
• 32:01
  women coming to me and opening up and my page is a safe place.
• 32:06
  Chasing the rainbows is a safe place.
• 32:08
  The reason that I show up on social media, there's so many
• 32:12
  days that I tell my husband how hard it is to keep going.
• 32:15
  Like, is this worth it? But then you get, then I get DMS
• 32:18
  of so many of you reaching out and saying how important having
• 32:23
  somebody else to talk to that gets it.
• 32:25
  And so I just want you to know to keep sharing, keep telling
• 32:31
  your story. You will find your tribe.
• 32:34
  You will. And I hope that you find it
• 32:37
  through Chasing the Rainbows because it's just you are doing
• 32:40
  such heavenly work and it's just so beautiful.
• 32:44
  And yeah, I hope more women just find their people on the
• 32:49
  Internet and that you feel loved.
• 32:53
  Oh, Sarah, thank you. From the bottom of my heart,
• 32:55
  thank you for being here. Thank you.
• 32:59
  Oh, trying again doesn't mean moving on.
• 33:02
  Wanting another baby doesn't mean for getting the ones we
• 33:04
  lost. If you are trying to conceive
• 33:06
  after a loss, you're grieving in silence or struggling while the
• 33:09
  world keeps moving forward around us.
• 33:12
  You belong here. Please reach out to us on
• 33:15
  Chasing the rainbows.org if you need any of our support
• 33:17
  services. We are here for you.
• 33:19
  Until next time.