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Blindside · Everyone Has An Ex

• 0:12
  Speaker 1: You're listening to Amma Mia podcast. Mamma Mia acknowledges the
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: traditional owners of the land and waters. This podcast is
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: recorded on the blind side, a simple term, but it
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: can mean so much. It comes in many forms. There's,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: of course, the good sort, where the unexpected is a welcome,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: happy surprise.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: I think because I was planning to move to Melbourne
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and he had children, like all the things that were
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: big nos for me, I think I let my guard
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: down as well, big time, and I just didn't see
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: it coming. But yeah, here I was when you know,
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: you know, yeah, mushy.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: But it can be a bad thing too. And for
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: Sarah there were other things she didn't see coming, that
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: other type of blindside that only other people experience, one
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: that turns a seemingly dreamy life together into a complete nightmare.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: I wanted to warn women about him, for one, but
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: secondly I was curious what else has he done. I've
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: had at least forty women come forward with their own
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: stories about him.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I'm Georgia Love and this is everyone has an ex
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Come with me as we dive into a collection of
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: unconventional stories about relationships past through the eyes and the
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: hearts of the very people who lived them. Sarah was
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: thirty three when she moved from Melbourne to London. We
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: all know someone who's done it. Life seems a little
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: dull at home and the pool to the UK is strong,
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: endless pub dinners, meeting new people, weekends and summers spent
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: in different European cities. Yes please. Plus she didn't really
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: have anything or any keeping her at home, so she
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: packed her bags and off she went for a couple
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: of years of good old English bun.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: I was there for a couple of years and dated
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: a lot. I hadn't really dated in Melbourne at all,
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: and at one stage I was going on three dates
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: a week just for something to do. I didn't have
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: a job. It was fun and yeah, I spent a
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: couple of years there having a great time. I loved
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: it there, but I think two three years in I
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: decided it's probably time to move home and meet someone
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: back in Melbourne and settle down. And one morning I
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: deleted dating apps so many times in disgust. But one
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: Sunday morning, I was lying in bed, really hungover, feeling
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: sorry for myself, and I redownloaded Bumble for the hundredth
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: time and straight away this guy comes up and he
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: was just really handsome. His name was Phil. He was
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: so I think I was thirty five. He was thirty nine,
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: dark hair, beard, very much my type, really good photos,
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: six foot three. I matched him and we started chatting
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: straight away. So it was a Sunday morning, and he
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: said that he lived in Belfast, but he was just
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: in London for work. He had an office there. So
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: we sort of flirted and the banter was really really good,
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: like really really good. And I asked for his Instagram
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: and I can remember like he gave it to me
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: and he's like, oh, now you'll see why I'm single.
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: So I looked him up and he had two children,
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: and I was like, oh, okay, and I just said, look,
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I'll be honest, I'm not planning on staying in the UK.
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: I don't want to date someone who's got children because
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: I don't want that. As a rule, I didn't date
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: anyone with children because I didn't see myself their long
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: term and if I met someone, I wanted them to
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: have the flexibility to move to Australia with me, so
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: it couldn't be someone that already had children. So this
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: was the start of June. Twenty eighteen. I also had
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: quit my job because I planned to do a europe
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: summer having a good time, like I was finishing my
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: role at the end of June and then just to
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: take some time off and move back to Australia. So
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I said to him, oh, well, it doesn't matter. Like
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: when I saw her children, I just said, look, I'll
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: be honest, I'm moving back to Australia in October. I've
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: quit my job and I'm just going to enjoy one
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: more europe summer and then I'm going to get head home.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: And he was like, yeah, absolutely, I'd love to take
• 4:33
  Speaker 2: you out, so I chose we went the following week
• 4:37
  Speaker 2: he was back for work again and we went to
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: my favorite pub in notting Hill, the Cockham Bottle, and
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: I was really surprised when I was waiting for him
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: at the front. I still remember being really shocked because
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: he didn't really look like his photos. He wasn't quite
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: as tall as expected. I don't know, he just didn't
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: look the same, but then kind of looked the same,
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: just looked different and I didn't find him very attractive
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: on site, but then we started talking and he was
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: just so funny and so charming. I had the greatest night.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: We got really, really, really drunk, and it was probably
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: one of the best first dates of my life. We
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: come from completely different countries, backgrounds, we'd work in different industries,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: but we got along so well and had so much
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: to talk about, which I think is quite rare.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: So that was the first day, and the next day
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: he was supposed to be flying to Portugal for work
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: and I just said to him he should just stay
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: another night, and he was like, really should I and
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: was like, yeah, you should, So he changed his flights,
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: he stayed another night, we went out again, and then
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: from there it was just really full on. He just said,
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: you know, I really like you. I want to hang
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: out with you with whatever time you've got left.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: Isn't that always the case you meet the great guy
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: just as you're about to leave. But for Sarah that
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: didn't matter. She was just interested in having fun for
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: the last couple of months overseas and might not have
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: said fun with a great guy.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: I think two weeks in he said, you know, I
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: want to plan a trip for us. Is that too soon?
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: Is that weird? And I was like, well, what are
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: you thinking? And he took in Paris for a week
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: and booked tickets to a music festival. We saw The Killers,
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: one of my favorite bands, and you know, we just
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: liked all the same things and it was fun and easy.
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: So we spent that week in Paris, just eating, drinking,
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: just drunk every day. It was really, really fun. I
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: wasn't in a headspace where I thought we would be
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: dating long term or anything. I was just enjoying his
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: company for what it was. I was kind of butterflies,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: that kind of cliche. Yeah, I was quite giddy about it,
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: and I definitely know I was because I had all
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: these Europe trip plans with my friends. I was in
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: Mikinos with some friends, and I flew back and met
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: him in Dublin for two nights before flying back to
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Obitha for another thing. So I made the f to
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: go back, so I knew I really liked him when
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I did. That interrupted my trip. If I wasn't in
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: Europe with friends, doing all the travel plans with friends
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: coming over from Melbourne, I was in London, and London
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: summer is so much fun. And he was just always
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: there and always available, and he never spoke about his children.
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I must say, like he you know if I asked
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: him questions, he would answer the questions about his children,
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: but he didn't ever bring them up ever. And he
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: was always available anytime he'd say, what do you want
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: to if I had free time, he was just available
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: and he's like, oh, work is quite at the moment,
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: I can take time off. So it was kind of
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: anytime I said that I had time, he would just
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: magically appear. And I had no responsibilities, I had no job.
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: I was just enjoying London life, just going to the pub,
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: having a boozy lunch and just yeah, that was just
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: the whole summer. And he joined me for the whole
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: thing and it was just so much fun. He booked
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: another trip in between the other trips that I was
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: doing with my friends to Auntie in France. We just
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: spent every day on the beach, drinking champagne, just enjoying
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: the sun. It was just so much fun. And one
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: of those days there he told me he loved me.
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: And I don't know if it was the googa or
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: the alcohol in my blood system, but cried. I remember
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I cried and I said I love you too, which
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: is just very I don't think i've ever told a
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: guy that I love him before in my life, actually
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: I haven't, so there you go. That was the first time,
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: at thirty five years of age, and I can remember
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: I said to him, well, it took you long enough.
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: And that is just so cheesy and so silly in
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: honsight because it had been two months, but we had
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: been quite inseparable for those two months. I do trips,
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: i'd come back, and he was just always there and
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: there was big chunks of time spent together. And I
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: just did not see this coming. And I think because
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I was planning to move home to Melbourne and he
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: had children, like all the things that were big nos
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: for me, I think I let my guard down as well,
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: big time. I know, I just didn't see it coming.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: But yeah, here I was when you know, you know,
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: yeah mushy. So from then on we had the conversation.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: We had some more serious conversations. I had told him
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: prior to this that I wanted to move back to
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: Australia because I wanted to meet someone, I wanted to
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: have a child and everything. So he brought it up.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: He said, you know, I would love another child. I
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: really want a girl. He already had two sons, one
• 9:24
  Speaker 2: was three, one was eight, and he said, but I
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: really want a daughter. I've got two sons. I'd love
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: a daughter. And I said, I'd love to have a girl,
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: you know. And he said, okay, look, I have to
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: stay in the UK until my sons are old enough
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: to travel back and forth to Australia. But I want
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: to live in Australia, like it's my dream to live
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: in Australia, like I would love it so much. So
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: he said, just five more years here and then they'd
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: be old enough to travel together back to Australia. So
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: I thought, okay, excellent, I'm in love. He wants to
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: have a child, and I love life in London. I
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: get to spend another five years here and then I
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: get to go home and I have everything I want.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: It was just all blissful and happy. And I said, well,
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: if this is going to work, you need to move
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: to London. So this was all the conversation we had
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: two months in and I didn't want to do back
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: and forward. I wanted a relationship with someone who was
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: going to be there most of the time. So he did.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: He moved in with me and I was living with
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: a friend and after a trial period of three months.
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: Then we got our own place, so he had his
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: sons two days a week, so he was in London
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: with me five nights a week, and then he would
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: fly back and spend two nights a week with his sons.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: And I just thought he was just such a fantastic
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: father because no matter what was happening in London, he
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: always went back. He never shirked his responsibilities, and he
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: was always so respectful of his ex wife. He spoke
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: about her respectfully. But he also like when I questioned
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: him because his youngest son was three, I said, you
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: know what happened. You know, he's still quite little. And
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: he said that his wife was quite cold and that
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: he got married too young because he just thought it
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: was the right thing to do, and that's what they
• 11:10
  Speaker 2: do in Belfast. If you're dating a nice girl, you
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: just you marry her and you have children. He didn't
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: say this all at once, but the story that came
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: out over a bit of time that he felt she
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: used him to have children because she was a bit
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: older and saw him as a good father and everything,
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: and that it was a loveless marriage. So he said,
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: when he said, you know, I'm leaving this isn't working.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: She said, yeah, I agree, and she said he said,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: it's all very amicable. And when he told her about me,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: I think it was the two month mark because he
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: wanted me to meet his children.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: This suited Sarah just fine. She wasn't super keen to
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: be flying back and forth to Ireland either, as it
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: was life in London she'd set up first on her
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: own and now with Phil. This was where her friends
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: were too, who soon of course became his friends as well.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: He was just so funny and charismatic and charming, and
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: he's just absolutely hilarious, always engaging everybody in the room,
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: instant friends with everybody. My friends were just so through
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: for me. Everybody loved him so because he had moved
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: to London for me, I kind of felt like I
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: had to take him everywhere with me because he didn't
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: have his own friends. But I was a bit concerned
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: about that in the beginning. But he just fit in
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: so well with my friends. Everybody loved him. Everybody that
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: met him loved him, and I found him even building
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: friendships with some of my friend's partners and going out
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: with them, and it just could not have been more perfect.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: I think It was around October, four months in started
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: asking me questions about what kind of engagement ring I
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: would like, and this is actually really embarrassing. So I
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: was taken aback by the comment, but then obviously went
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: back to my girl chat and was talking about it,
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: and I was super excited. This is embarrassing. I started
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: a Pinterest. I'd never been on Pinterest, and I started
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: for engagement rings. And my sister called me and she said, Sarah,
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: you do realize that your Pinterest is on Facebook. And
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: it was in the newsfeed of me adding all these
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: engagement reads to my Pinterest. I was so embarrassed. Oh
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: my god. She couldn't stop laughing. So I promptly deleted that.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: But we had such a good, fun relationship where I
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: didn't have to actually feel that awkwardness because he had
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: brought it up and asked me what kind of ring
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: I wanted, and I just there was no question that
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: we were headed in that direction very soon. So I
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: told him about the Pinterest and we both laughed about it.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: So I think I felt just so comfortable with him
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: I could tell him and we both really laughed about it,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: and I showed him, I showed my Pinterest page, so yeah,
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: that was quite funny, and we were talking about babies
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: and I had one of my best friends in London.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: She is a gynecologist and an obstetrician, and she said, well,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: you need to go and get some fertility testing right
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: now out so you just know how long you guys have.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: Of course you don't want to rush into it, but
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: you also you might need to. So he and I
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: attended fertility testing together and yeah, quite a few appointments.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: We went down that road and decided we wanted to
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: start trying straight away. I had the AMH level of
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: a twenty six year old, which was fantastic. Plenty of
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: eggs so it wasn't an issue, but I had some
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: other things that they couldn't figure out why it wasn't happening.
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: I wasn't ovulating, so we just decided to get started
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: straight away.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Everything was perfect, our girl Sarah was not only in
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: love but trying for a family. So of course we
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: all know in any good X story, this is just
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: about exactly when the ifs and bats start to re
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: up their ugly heads.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: So a little over the twelfth month mark, we were
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: on a holiday in Italy with friends and someone was
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: talking about who had just gotten engaged or something like that,
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: and so it had been six months since he dangled
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: the carrot to me, like he said, you know, what
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: sort of ring do you want? Whatever, and it hadn't
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: been brought up again really, So he went full pace,
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: but then sort of pulled back, and I was kind
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: of wondering when it was happening, because we were trying
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: to have a baby. Things were fantastic, we were living together,
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: We had the most beautiful apartment on a Hyde Park.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: Life was just perfect. And I just wanted to know, like,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: because he really wanted a child, if we were doing that,
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: when's this engagement happening? And I just kept kind of wondering,
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: and he brought it up. I remember we were him
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Pullier and we were overlooking the ocean one night and
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: it was just the two of us. Our friends had
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: walked ahead a little and he said, oh, baby, you know,
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: I know you're probably wondering when that is, and it's coming,
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: Like the engagement, it's coming. I just when I get
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: my bonus, that's what I want to spend it on,
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: you know, when I get my bonus. And I was like, oh, yeah,
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: of course of course, like it kind of had become
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: a bit of an uncomfortable discussion for me, because you know,
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: that's awkward. Someone sort of brings up a conversation, Oh,
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: I know that I did ask you about this ring
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: six months ago. We're trying to have a baby, all
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: these things, and then they're saying, oh, by the way,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: I can't really afford it. That was kind of a
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: bit uncomfortable for me.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: It wasn't a big thing, But it turns out it
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: wasn't the first time money talks had made things a
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: little uncomfortable.
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: The first fight we had was a huge fight, a
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: huge fight, and it was we had signed the lease
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: on our new apartment that we were moving in together.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: We were already living together, but with a friend of
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: mine where I had already. He just moved into where
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: I was living, and we had been apartment hunting. I
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: had done all the hunting because he was in Belfast
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: with his sons, So I was looking every weekend and
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: inspections and everything I looked at. He was like, it's
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: too small. The budget kept increasing because he was like,
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: I work from home, so I was looking at a
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: lot of places and I'd finally found the perfect place,
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: and once we sort of signed the least in everything,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: I guess there must have been a few hints of
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: financial stuff then, because I do remember saying to him, look,
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: I think how our rent was eighteen hundred pounds plus
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: bills and I was already paying eleven hundred or something
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: like that where I was, And I said, well, I'm
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: already paying this, so I'll pay that and you just
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: pay the difference, and he was like, yep, fantastic, fantastic.
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: But then he kept complaining about finances. And it's from
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: when we met. He was always very generous. He was
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: a gentleman, like paying if I went out for dinner
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: with my friends, he would insist on paying for everybody
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: he wanted, you know, the best department in the best area.
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: And money wasn't a problem, and I was on a
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: really good salary, so that was fine. But then when
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: it came to actually getting the deposit together, so paying
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: the security bond and the rent upfront, he was like, oh, well, actually,
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: oh I can't. You know, I've just paid school fees.
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: And I went, oh, don't worry, I'll do it. And
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: so I'd done that first offer to pay the bulk
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: and him just pay the difference. But then he was
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: talking about other expenses and being a little bit stressed. Sorry, honey,
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: I'm a little bit stressed about money at the moment.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: So I said, look, I'll pay the rent. Like you're
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: the one traveling back and forward, so I'll pay the rent.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: He's got a house back in Belfast, which he told
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: me he'd nearly paid off. He said he bought it
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: out of UNI. So he's got a tiny mortgage with
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: not much left on it. Because he was such a
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: gentleman who loved to pay for the table and everything,
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: I didn't want him to feel he couldn't do that
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: anymore be himself. I didn't want our relationship to put
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: any financial pressure on him. So I just went, you
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: know what, I'll pay the rent. You just pay the bills.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: I just remember seeing like the water bill constantly like
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: coming in the mail, and I didn't open it because
• 19:01
  Speaker 2: it was in his name, but yeah, there was just overdue, overdue, overdue,
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: And I mentioned him, oh the water bill came, and
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: you know, yeah, yeah, kind of like just brush off.
• 19:12
  Speaker 2: He didn't even open it, just sat there unopened. And
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: there was several of them. So eventually I opened it
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: myself and it was three hundred and thirty pounds, which
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: is like six hundred dollars. So I just paid it.
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: And that's just the first of many things. There would
• 19:24
  Speaker 2: just be bills and he would just kind of just
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: ignore things. And I am an accountant and I don't
• 19:31
  Speaker 2: like having any kind of debt. I pay things on time.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: I can't remember exactly how it came up, but I
• 19:37
  Speaker 2: had an AMEX and I got lots of points on it,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: and I used it for free flights. I'd get companion
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: vouchers for free flights, like you'd only buy one ticket.
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: And I've always like worked the points system. And he
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: just used a debit card. So he was like, oh, well,
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: maybe I should get a card, Like I said, get
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: one of these, and he's like, I could just get
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: a secondary card to yours and then we could get
• 19:59
  Speaker 2: lots of points. And I was like, oh, okay, fantastic,
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: So I just got him a supplementary card. I trusted
• 20:04
  Speaker 2: him completely, and we used the AMEX for everything, and
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: then when the bill came, it was idemized of his
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: spend and my spend, yeah, separate statements, and I would
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: just let him know how much it was, and he
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: would transfer it to me. So I was in New
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: York for work, and I think this is around maybe
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: eight months, no month mark I had got the credit,
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: I'd be while I was in New York. I emailed
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: him his statement and so, could you just send it
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: to me before the fifth because I have to pay it?
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: And he was like, oh, well I can't afford that,
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: like the boiler has busted and I need to pay
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: to get it done, and oh, I'm so stressed. Like
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: his messages was kind of a radic in coming through.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: I'm stressed about this. How am I going to pay
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: for that? And I was like, oh, well, you've got
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: till next week, you know, and he's like, oh, like
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: I just don't get paid till this day whatever. Like
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, can you pay me? He's like, oh,
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: I've got the money, but I need to fix my
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: boiler because otherwise the boys will be cold, Like when
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: the Good Boys are at my house, there's no heating.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: It's winter. He was booking a lot of his work
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: expenses on there, and I just said, do your reinvestment
• 21:12
  Speaker 2: for work, so that's what you usually do, and he said, oh,
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I've done it, but there's just like a delay. There's
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: a delay and getting the money. Okay, fine, I guess
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: my boys will have to be cold. I'll transfer it
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: to you now. But yeah, So there was that, like
• 21:28
  Speaker 2: that big guilt trip, the icky feeling that it gave me.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: I don't like talking about money in that kind of way.
• 21:34
  Speaker 2: I just like things to be easy. When I got
• 21:36
  Speaker 2: those messages like talking about the him getting annoyed with
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: me about the money and bringing his kids into it
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: to kind of killed me. Like it just felt really
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: gross and it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: She did her best to ignore what she thought was
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: just a niggling issue about managing their finances, but it
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: wasn't the only issue in the relationship, if she was
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: really being honest.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: We wake up one morning and he was just really
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: cold to me. He was lying in bed and he
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: was just giving me like a weird cold stare and
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: looking away from me, and I just keep saying to him,
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: is everything okay? He was just in a really, really
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: horrible mood. I'd never seen it. So I went to
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: work and it was probably my third or fourth stat
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: a new job, and then my phone just blew up
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: like it started with text. I get a text from
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: him saying how many people have you slept with? And
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: I went, I beg your pardon, and he's like, I
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: want to know how many people? And I was like,
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: what are you talking about? Like it was so left
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: a field, Like I've heard of guys speaking to girlfriends
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: and whatever, like in a fight like this before, but
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: usually there's a build up, you know. He'd been angry
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: that morning, but he'd never spoken to me like this before.
• 22:50
  Speaker 2: So he said how many people have you slept with?
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: And I was like, that's none of your business. What
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: are you talking about? And he just kept on asking
• 22:58
  Speaker 2: me all these weird questions and then he just unleashed
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: on me. And it turns out while I had been
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: going into the office those couple of days, I had
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: my Max sitting at home and my WhatsApp plugged in
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: to the deaktop. He'd just been reading all my messages
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: and he'd found this message from when we had been
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: dating for two weeks. So in that time, we've been
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: on I think three dates, and he read messages that
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: I had been at the pub with a couple of
• 23:27
  Speaker 2: my girlfriends and we were all talking about how hot
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: the bartender was and that he was flirting with me,
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: and one of my girlfriends was like, you should go there,
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: like he's so hot, he really likes you, and you know,
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: we were all joking about it, but nothing happened, and
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: he just went ballistic over it. So he was just
• 23:44
  Speaker 2: blowing up my phone and he said, I'm packing up
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: and leaving. I can't trust you, and I was like,
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: I'm coming home. So I made an excuse at work,
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: my brand new job, to say, look, I have to go.
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: I think I said that he had locked himself out
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: of the house, my partner had I had to go
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: let him in. And I get there and he'd literally
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: just moved over, you know, a couple of months before
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: to be with me, and he just packed up his stuff.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: He'd packed up his suitcases and was sitting out the
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: front and when I got there, he was crying and
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: I was crying too. I was so upset, and he's like,
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: I can't believe this, Like I was just so in
• 24:23
  Speaker 2: love with you. I should have known it was too
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: good to be true. And I was so panicked at
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: the thought of losing him that I was apologizing. He
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: then agreed, like he said, yeah, I'm sorry, like, I'm
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: just so upset. I don't want to lose you. Backtracked
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: all by the time I got there, and I said, look,
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: I have to go back to work, but you know,
• 24:44
  Speaker 2: we'll talk about this tonight. So I went back to work,
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: and then that night he was just very sad and sorry,
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: but also cuddling me and saying, I'm so sorry. I
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: got so upset. I'm just so scared of losing you.
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: There was another incident, I think it was actually before
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: the big blow up, where he caught me looking at
• 25:01
  Speaker 2: a guy in a bar. I was standing at the
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: bar and this sort of silver fox, like a good
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: looking guy with gray hair, caught my eye and Phil
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: was staring at me and he was like, who's that guy?
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: And I said, I don't know, and he's like, you
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: were staring at each other, and I honestly was not staring.
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: I did look at him and look back again, like
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: I did a double take, because there was something about him.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: He was harsh, but it's not like I was staring
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: at him and drooling over him. We were there with
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: a group of friends and the mood just changed. He
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: was just he was furious. He was bristling. It was
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: really awkward and I just instantly felt sick and uncomfortable.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: He brought that up. That was his lamp post of
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: like this is an example that he would bring up
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: anytime something was wrong. He would say, I just can't
• 25:50
  Speaker 2: trust you. And I'd remember walking around Paddington and if
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: I saw a good looking guy coming our way on
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: the path, I would look at the ground because I
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: was so aware of him picking a fight with me
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: over jealousy. I'd go out with my friends and he
• 26:05
  Speaker 2: would blow up my phone, like he'd be back in
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: Belfast with his boys two nights a week, pretty much
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: from the first time he got really mad at me
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: about looking at that guy. Every week when he was
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: back in Belfast, he would just be constantly online and
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: he'd say, at the start of the night, have frun
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: with your friend's baby, Like, what are you doing tonight?
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: I'd be going up for dinner and drinks with my girls.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: He would see on one of their Instagram stories that
• 26:27
  Speaker 2: there were guys at our table at a bar. All
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: my girlfriends were single, and he would just start blowing
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: up my phone, who is that guy? There's a guy
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: sitting beside you, so I would put my phone in
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: the end on aeroplane mode because he would just be
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: blowing up my phone. And he would then go to
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: Instagram when things weren't delivering, he would go I messages, WhatsApps, Instagram, Facebook, everything,
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: and he would also delete and block me from social media.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: When they brought in the feature that you could unsend messages,
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: I would wake up to fifty unsent messages. But that
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: was I would say. At least once a month, there'd
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: be a huge blow up like that, and it would
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: all come down to I'm sorry, I just don't trust you.
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: After he lied about that guy you were looking at,
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: I don't trust you that I kind of it just
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: became the norm that I put up with it. But
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: then there was just so much good. The things that
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: worried me were really tiny in comparison to how many
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: good things like he was just amazing. And I had
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: my concerns about his jealousy that I spoke to my
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: friends about, but my friends were champion him. Everybody loved him.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: But even those friends could see what was happening in
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: plain sight.
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: I was on this trip to Italy with some friends.
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: I don't know what his problem was, but he was
• 27:40
  Speaker 2: so angry with me and cold with me, and still
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: mister charming by the pool with our friends, but then
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: really cold in how he addressed me in every way.
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: And it was just very tense, very tense. And at
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: the end of the trip, I had one of my
• 27:57
  Speaker 2: best friends that was on the trip with us, who's
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: a guy, and they got along really really well. He
• 28:03
  Speaker 2: was like, Sarah, look, I like him, but he's not
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: the guy for you. And I was like, what do
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: you mean, And he's like, he doesn't treat you well,
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: Like I'm just watching this and there's just something not
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: quite right. And I like him. I really like the
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: guy separate as a person, but I don't like how
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: he's treating you and you're not happy. And I knewish
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: this is just fourteen months in. I knew it then,
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: but I loved him so much, but I couldn't handle
• 28:36
  Speaker 2: the mountdowns anymore. It was at least once a month
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: at least, and they were big, and it was over nothing,
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: and it was really controlling. And I had said to
• 28:46
  Speaker 2: him that I thought he needed to speak to a
• 28:47
  Speaker 2: counselor or something. He would always bring it back to
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: I'm just so sorry, and he would say, you know,
• 28:53
  Speaker 2: I'm just so scared of losing you. After that trip,
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: I tried to break up with him because of my
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: friend seeing it and putting it back in my face
• 29:03
  Speaker 2: of what it really is in a kind way. So
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: I tried to break up with him, and he broke
• 29:07
  Speaker 2: down in tears and he begged me. He said, I'll
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: do whatever it takes. You can't leave me. I love you,
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: I want to be with you. I want a life
• 29:15
  Speaker 2: with you. I don't like myself like this. I've never
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: been like this with anyone before. I've never been in
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: love before, and I don't know how to handle it
• 29:24
  Speaker 2: because it always came back to you're going to move
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: back to Melbourne. You're going to move back to Melbourne,
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: and you're going to leave me. So I agreed to
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: give it another go, because you know, he beat and
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: I loved him.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: The whole time this was going on, Sarah was going
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: through fertility tests. She hadn't fallen pregnant naturally, so doctors
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: had run a bunch of tests just to see what
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: was going on. Now. Getting pregnant at this time was
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: the last thing on Sarah's mind. She just tried to
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: break up with Phil she definitely knew she should not
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: be having a baby with him now and maybe not ever.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: But dear listener, what always seems to happen when you're
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: not trying.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: Three weeks later, I was pregnant. I think shocked and
• 30:05
  Speaker 2: scared more than anything, because even though I had wanted
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: it so badly prior and had worried I was infertile,
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: I was like, what the hell am I going to do? Like,
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: I'm not in a relationship where I should be pregnant.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: How do you know? We're not in a good place.
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: And he was over the moon. And then from the
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: moment that, like I told him I was pregnant, it
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: was kind of like I had the old feelback.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: From the moment Phil found out she was pregnant, that
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: he was going to be a dad again, everything calmed down.
• 30:39
  Speaker 1: It was like a weight had been lifted, a cloud
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: around them cleared, and everything looked bright again. The weeks
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: went on and it stayed this way. Phil was attentive
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: and caring and supportive. And the best part they found
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: out they were having a girl.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: I cried, He cried, It's what he wanted. It was
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: a girl. So we were just thrilled and I can
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: remember afterwards. We were meeting some friends at a restaurant
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: for lunch, and as we're walking in, he was just
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: so excited. He was just in such a good mood,
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: and he said, I really love the name Imagen for
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: a girl, Like what do you think? And I was
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: kind of taken it back that he was suggesting names
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: to me because we had agreed if it was a boy,
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: he could choose and if it was a girl, I
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: could choose because we'd sort of narrow down our list.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: But we disagreed on names, and I was sort of
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: taken aback and I went, oh, okay, like I'll have
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: a think about it. It'll grow on me. I had
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: brought it up with my friends, what do you think
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: of the name Imagen? And then later on he was like, oh,
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: actually I've gone off for a bit and sort of
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: decided to kind of change his mind. But I was like, no,
• 31:43
  Speaker 2: it's growing on me. I really like the name image
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: and it's quite cute, and you know, it's pretty. We
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: decided that we would keep it quiet because I wanted
• 31:51
  Speaker 2: to tell my mum in person. So I found out
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: I was pregnant the start of December, and my next
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: trip back to Australia was booked in the March, so
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: I was four months pregnant by this stage. I told
• 32:04
  Speaker 2: a few friends, and the male friend i'd been on
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: the Italy trip with that had said to me, Sarah,
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: he's not the guy for you. He got along really
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: well with Phil, like they had a separate friendship, a
• 32:15
  Speaker 2: bit of a bromance. So I was talking to Alex
• 32:18
  Speaker 2: and I told him and he was happy for me,
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: but also a little bit worried because he knew where
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: things were. And then that night I can remember getting home,
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: getting ready for bed, and Phil was like, I'm so
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: excited to tell Alex. Let's tell him together. And in
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: that moment I had a panic, the sheer panic I
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: would get any time there was something he would get
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: annoyed with me about, because his temple was just so bad.
• 32:47
  Speaker 2: I remember panicking and I went, yeah, yeah, so I
• 32:50
  Speaker 2: should have in that instant said I actually told him today.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: I couldn't help myself, but because it was just easier,
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: I thought, fuck, I'll tell Alex to say he doesn't know,
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: to pretend he doesn't know. So we go back to
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: Australia and told all of our friends as we saw them,
• 33:10
  Speaker 2: and Alex pretended to be surprised, and then we had
• 33:13
  Speaker 2: dinner one night with my best friend and her husband.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: She said, and then, you know, we are like excited
• 33:19
  Speaker 2: about the baby. And Alex was round at our place
• 33:22
  Speaker 2: a couple of months ago. He said, oh, you guys know, yeah,
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: I know, and we were all like so excited for you,
• 33:28
  Speaker 2: and I could just feel feel tense up beside me,
• 33:31
  Speaker 2: and I thought, oh God, here we go. So at
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: this stage, I think I was twenty weeks pregnant. And
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: that night we got back to my friend's place where
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: we were staying, and he was so furious with me
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: and cold, like the stony treatment like you would expect
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: with silent treatment. But then he was also saying horrible
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: things to me. So I was exhausted. And the next
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: day I had my best friend's engagement party. He kept
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: me up all night fighting with me. I was just exhausted.
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: My eyes were puffy. The next day he said he
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: wasn't going. He refused to go. I'm a liar. Why
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: would he want to be here with a liar? I
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: can't be trusted. It was like I stared at that
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: guy that time. I just can't help myself. I'm just
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: a liar, and he doesn't even know if he wants
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: to have a child with a liar. And so I
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: went to my friend's engagement on my own. He called
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: Quantus and separated our flight bookings, canceled Hughes, and changed
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: it to fly home the next day. So while I
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: was at my friend's engagement party and just leave me,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: they're pregnant. I was devastated. We had booked a holiday
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: house down in Sorrento with my family for me to
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: spend some time with my family. I said, well, I'm
• 34:50
  Speaker 2: still going. I'm going to that, and then he changed
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: his tune as he did the rollercoaster of Phil. Sorry,
• 34:58
  Speaker 2: I love you. I'm just really upset. How could you
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: do this? I feel really betrayed. You know, I'm worried
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: about your I'm just really worried about your dishonesty. Sarah.
• 35:05
  Speaker 2: You have a problem with lying, and would just bring
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: up the two lies that I had ever told him,
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: and he up changing his flight again so he could
• 35:14
  Speaker 2: stay and go down the coast with my family. But
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: then he spent his whole time hold up in a
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: room and not even mixing with my family, and they
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: were like, is everything okay? It was just really really
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: tense and awkward. So I don't know why he decided
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: to stay. Things got really bad while we were there
• 35:31
  Speaker 2: with COVID, so it became clear that we needed to
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: get back straight away. Our flights actually just got canceled,
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: so we had to just book the next available that
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: we could get. Most airlines had shut down. We have
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: to get this urgent flight back and it was probably
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: one of the last ones you could get. And when
• 35:51
  Speaker 2: we're in transit, I saw like because it was just hectic.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: It was just absolute chaos. We're in masks, rushed, panicky, stressed,
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: and I can remember looking at my phone when we're
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: changing flights that it must have been Hong Kong or something,
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: and I had a pop up Facebook notification and it
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: said Imogen. I can't remember so her name wants to
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: send you a message, and I screenshot it because I thought,
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: so I've got that screenshot. How funny, Like I've never
• 36:20
  Speaker 2: heard that name before and now it's a name that
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: he likes. Now this is one messaging me. I didn't
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: think anything of it.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: Chaos and random messages aside. They got back to the UK,
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: but what they didn't realize was the chaos was only
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: just beginning.
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: Because the world was shutting down and there was limited travel.
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: We had to go back to Belfast to the house
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: that he had there to be near his kids in
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: case we got stuck in London. So we went back
• 36:48
  Speaker 2: to Belfast. I got a phone call from my boss
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: saying I was put on furlough, which is kind of
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: like job keeper, which is a small payment would barely
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: cover rent. So we had to give up our apartment
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: in London, which meant we had to be full time
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: in Belfast, which was kind of a bit of a crash.
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: It's not somewhere I really I really enjoyed. I think
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: that's perhaps because of the area that Phil had a
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: house in. It was not very nice. It was about
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: twenty minutes out of the city proper and yeah, so
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: quite isolated. So I found out. Yeah, the day that
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: we got back to Belfast, I found out I was
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: being put on furlough, that we would have to be
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: in Belfast full time, had to give notice on the
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: apartment in London. And then a couple of days later
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: I was lying on the couch. Phil was in the
• 37:35
  Speaker 2: kitchen making lunch and I was really pregnant by that time.
• 37:39
  Speaker 2: I can still remember laying there and looking at my
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: phone scrolling through Instagram. Then I had a look at Facebook,
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: which I very rarely do. No one really uses Facebook anymore,
• 37:50
  Speaker 2: and I saw the red message request that there was
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: other messages, so I opened it up.
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: It was the message from someone called image It.
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: Hi. I didn't want to be the one to tell
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: you this, but Phil has cheated on you. I've seen
• 38:05
  Speaker 2: him on Tinder hear on and off for the last
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: two years, but I was the last person. I asked
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: from the get go if he was single. And I'm
• 38:12
  Speaker 2: really sorry, but I just can't let this go, especially
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: after what he said. Sorry. I didn't believe it at all.
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: So I don't know how to describe how that makes sense,
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: because I remember feeling sick to my stomach and feeling
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: like I've been punched, but I didn't believe it. I
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: just showed it to him straight away and I was like,
• 38:33
  Speaker 2: what is this and he looked at me call as
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: a cucumber. He said, I don't know, just block them,
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: and I was like, but like, I don't understand. Maybe
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: someone's used your pictures for a profile, like there was
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: just no way that I could ever believe that he
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: would do that. So he's like, oh, I'm sorry, and
• 38:55
  Speaker 2: just just ignore it like whatever, and he changed the subject.
• 38:58
  Speaker 2: And I think that didn't sit well with me because
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: I think, like, but I was still kind of I
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: don't know, it was just upsetting and I laid there
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: and I just burst into tears like half an hour later,
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: and he's like, oh, honey, what's wrong, Like, oh my god,
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: just just block them, don't listen, and I just said,
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: I'm just upset, like I know it's not true, but
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: like why this now? You know, I've just lost my job,
• 39:21
  Speaker 2: why this now? I just everything's shit. I just had
• 39:24
  Speaker 2: to leave my family really abruptly. I don't know when
• 39:26
  Speaker 2: I'm going to see them again. I'm here in Belfast.
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: I don't know anyone. And I just like I cried
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: and he was like, you know, comforting me, and all
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: was fine. We went to bed later that night and
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: I just tossed and turned. I just could not sleep,
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: and I think it got to like five o'clock in
• 39:43
  Speaker 2: the morning or something, and I text a screenshot of
• 39:47
  Speaker 2: it to my best friend back in Melbourne. She was like,
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: oh my god, like what did you reply? And I said, oh, well,
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: I haven't replied. I mean, it's not true. I looked
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: to this girl up on Instagram. She's twenty two years old.
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: She looks even younger than that, like there's emojis all
• 40:02
  Speaker 2: over her profile, like she's a young girl. Phil is
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: forty five, Like there's no way. Plus he would never
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: do that. I don't question him whatsoever. But you know,
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: I can't sleep. And my friend said, look, why don't
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: you just say prove it? So I wrote back and
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: I just said, thanks for letting us know it's a
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: fake profile. Could you please report it? My friend said,
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: us for proof, So I did, and she sent proof.
• 40:26
  Speaker 2: She sent so many screenshots. He had matched with her
• 40:29
  Speaker 2: on Tinder, deleted Tinder really quickly, come back and spend
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: a couple of days in London with me, then went
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: back to look after his boys the next week for
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: the two days. At eleven thirty am on a Friday,
• 40:40
  Speaker 2: while his kids were at school, the first time he
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: met Imogen was by showing up to her house do
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: you have sex with her? For forty five minutes and
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: then leaving again? And I know the timeline because the
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: screenshots that she sent me he said, I'm here, and
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: then afterwards he said that was amazing. The filth that
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: Phil sent to her. I just couldn't believe what I
• 41:01
  Speaker 2: was reading. It wasn't the guy that I was in
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: a relationship with. He had never been so disgusting with me.
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: I was just sickened, absolutely sickened. I'm not a rude
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: by any means, but the things that he said to
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: her were just filth. The whole time that we were
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: in Australia with my family, he was texting her, making
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: plans with her, but then canceling the plants. We're in Australia,
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: like he's not going to see her. So he would
• 41:29
  Speaker 2: be making plans with her and then say sorry.
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: My love.
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: He would say, my love, I can't come. I'm stuck
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: doing this. Yeah, he was leading her on. He was saying,
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: you know, I'm daydreaming about a life with you. He
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: told her loved her. It was crazy, It was absolutely crazy,
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: and I was just in shock, in shock. I just
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: laid there reading the screenshots. It was just a sample
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: to start with, and he was asleep beside me in bed,
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: and I turn around and I just started punching him
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: and screaming I was so furious, but absolutely in shock,
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: and I feel so stupid because I just never believed
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: that he would do something like this to me. Was
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: naked photos that he was sending her from my parents' house,
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: from the holiday house when he was hold up in
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: his room refusing to speak twenty one because he was
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: so angry with me from my friend's place the day
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: of the engagement party that he refused to come to
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: that he blew up my phone all day saying that
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: he didn't know if he could be with someone who
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: is dishonest. He was sending her naked photos. And in
• 42:35
  Speaker 2: case you missed it, the real kicker is that he
• 42:38
  Speaker 2: suggested her name when we found out we were having
• 42:40
  Speaker 2: a girl. This twenty two year old girl.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: Sarah was living a nightmare. All this time. She'd been
• 42:48
  Speaker 1: the one for giving him, making excuses for him, apologizing
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: to him, and he'd been cheating on her. Now she
• 42:56
  Speaker 1: was here in his space, in a country where she
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: knew no one else, in the middle of COVID.
• 43:01
  Speaker 2: Pregnant bellfirst was in full lockdown. I had my lifeline
• 43:08
  Speaker 2: best friend in Australia like talking to her in all
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: her waking hours about what the hell I was going
• 43:14
  Speaker 2: to do. I just knew I needed to get away
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: from him. He was just busy trying to smooth thing.
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: So I love you, begging me, crying, I'll kill myself
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: if you leave me. I can't live without you. I
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: can't live without you, all that sort of usual stuff,
• 43:31
  Speaker 2: and I just knew I needed some space from him.
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: So I got a flight back to London. I still
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: had my apartment there for another month, so I spent
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: some time there without him. Was really isolating and depressing,
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: to be completely honest. I would grab a baguett I'd
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: go to a hyde park and sit down to have
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: something to eat, and the police would come along and
• 43:51
  Speaker 2: tell me to get up and keep moving. But I
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: was really questioning myself and what to do because I
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: was bringing a child into the world and I just
• 43:58
  Speaker 2: didn't know what the best thing to do was. And
• 44:00
  Speaker 2: I was so scared of doing it alone. But I
• 44:03
  Speaker 2: felt so unsafe with him, and I was just really scared.
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: I felt like I didn't know him anymore. The cheating
• 44:10
  Speaker 2: obviously is up setting, but I think the most upsetting
• 44:13
  Speaker 2: thing was that I felt like I didn't know him
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: at all. This is the person that I had wanted
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: to spend the rest of my life with and he
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: was a stranger to me because it was like a
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: whole different person the way he spoke to her. I
• 44:27
  Speaker 2: called another close friend who was a barrister, and I
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: told her the situation and I said, I don't know
• 44:33
  Speaker 2: what to do, and she said, you need to come
• 44:35
  Speaker 2: back to Australia and you need to have the baby
• 44:37
  Speaker 2: here that will protect you. So okay, I have to
• 44:41
  Speaker 2: do that. So in the meantime he comes back, I'm
• 44:44
  Speaker 2: still in love with him. I'm so torn, I'm so upset.
• 44:47
  Speaker 2: There's just daily fights and discussions. Like when I say fights,
• 44:51
  Speaker 2: now the tables have turned. It's me angry with him, him,
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: begging him, trying to smooth things over. There was the
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: possibility that I wouldn't be able to get back to Australia.
• 45:00
  Speaker 2: There was no flights. I was trying to get on
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: one of the ones to get the Australian citizens back,
• 45:05
  Speaker 2: So in the mix, I had to register at a
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: hospital in Belfast in case I had to give Bertha,
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: and I can remember going to the registration appointment. He
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: wasn't allowed to go in because of COVID rules and
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: I'm sitting in there with the midwife. They're doing all
• 45:20
  Speaker 2: the registration for me and going through all the questions
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: and I can't remember what the question was, but I
• 45:25
  Speaker 2: burst into tears and she was like, are you're okay?
• 45:28
  Speaker 2: And now that's when she said she asked me if
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: I was okay, and I burst into tears and told
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: her everything. So they kept me longer, got in a counselor.
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: It did full blood work to do an STD check,
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: which is something that had not even crossed my mind.
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: I just had so much stuff going on. I just
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: did not even think of that, but they were like,
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: it could be a concern for your unborn baby, and
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: I was just bawling the whole time. When I finished
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: that appointment, I text him and I said, look, I've
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: gotten really upset in this apartment. I'm barely keeping it together,
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: so when I come out side, I don't want to
• 46:00
  Speaker 2: talk about it, okay. And it was his eldest boy's birthday,
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: so I come out and he demanded to know what
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: was wrong, demanded to know. So I told him and
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: he was so angry. He said, well, I hope you're
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: happy with yourself. They're going to send child protective services around,
• 46:18
  Speaker 2: probably because you've done that, because you've told them about this.
• 46:22
  Speaker 2: And I can remember sitting there in the car and
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: I was like, how are you putting this back on me?
• 46:28
  Speaker 2: Like he still had a way of trying to beat
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: me down and try to make me feel guilty about things.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: He said, they might take my boys away from me
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: because this is like domestic abuse, da da da da da,
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: and somehow that was my fault. So yeah, I was
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: really scared. I guess I was scared of him. I
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: was frantically looking for flights, but I had to keep
• 46:48
  Speaker 2: the peace. I might be stuck there, So I was
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: sort of trapped between trying to keep things smooth, trying
• 46:55
  Speaker 2: to work out my broken heart, and all my confusion,
• 46:58
  Speaker 2: like what I was going to do. Because also, I mean,
• 47:01
  Speaker 2: even though I planned to live in Australia eventually, I
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: definitely did not plan to come crashing back without a
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: job and with a baby on my own. I didn't
• 47:14
  Speaker 2: know if our relationship was going to continue. I couldn't
• 47:18
  Speaker 2: really think too far ahead. I was just focusing on
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: getting this baby into the world safely. I sort of
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: had that as my goalpost, and I just didn't know
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: what I was going to do. But I was still
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: so in love with him the way I felt being
• 47:33
  Speaker 2: back in Australia really pregnant. I loved him so much.
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: I didn't know if I could trust him. The thing
• 47:40
  Speaker 2: that I couldn't get past it wasn't the cheating again.
• 47:42
  Speaker 2: It was just that it was like he was another
• 47:45
  Speaker 2: person and I just didn't the trust was gone for me,
• 47:48
  Speaker 2: and I didn't know what to believe. So I just
• 47:51
  Speaker 2: didn't know what the right thing was to do. I
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: was really really confused. So I was back here. He
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: flew here for the birth. I had Emily, a perfect
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: baby girl. She's absolutely adorable. She was a very cute baby,
• 48:08
  Speaker 2: and he spent the first three weeks of her life
• 48:12
  Speaker 2: here with me in Australia, and then he had to
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: fly back to Belfast. But he's got two kids, and
• 48:20
  Speaker 2: you know, I thought he would sort of really take charge.
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: knew i'd know, and I really wanted a kid, but
• 48:25
  Speaker 2: it was such a weird thing. I loved being pregnant,
• 48:27
  Speaker 2: and then it's just all of a sudden, Oh Gold,
• 48:29
  Speaker 2: she's here, and now I have to look after her
• 48:31
  Speaker 2: and keep her alive. It's actually quite stressful. And she
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: was a baby who needed to be held to sleep,
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: so I had a c section. I was so exhausted.
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: I was breastfeeding and during the night I had to
• 48:46
  Speaker 2: sleep with I ended up having all these pillows around
• 48:50
  Speaker 2: me to sleep upright, holding her with my head like
• 48:53
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable to the side, like with a travel pillow on,
• 48:56
  Speaker 2: because if I put her down, she would just lose it.
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: And Phil didn't take any turns on that. He was
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: actually getting frustrated every time I put her down when
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: she cried. He'd be like, oh, like I can still
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: remember his impatience. But then by day, in front of
• 49:10
  Speaker 2: everybody else, he was just missed a charming, attentive dad.
• 49:14
  Speaker 2: Wanted to give her the baths, wanted me to record everything,
• 49:16
  Speaker 2: lots of photos. So he goes back And because I
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: think it was just that fear I just being a
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: single mother isn't something I even wanted to Like, that
• 49:30
  Speaker 2: was just the most daunting thing I could you could
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: think of. And I think as well, like it's just
• 49:35
  Speaker 2: I had my whole life ripped away in a week.
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: I'd lost my job, my apartment, everything, and now I'm
• 49:44
  Speaker 2: back at home and my parents live in regional Victoria.
• 49:47
  Speaker 2: I'm back at home in my old bedroom with a
• 49:50
  Speaker 2: cot shoved in the side, and I just knew it.
• 49:52
  Speaker 2: I was just so depressed it COVID meant I couldn't
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: come to visit my friends. I didn't know anyone back
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: around my parents' place. I just had My sister eventually
• 50:02
  Speaker 2: told my parents what had happened. They were shocked and
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: upset and furious.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: Everything within Sarah was telling her not to go back
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: to Phil. Her friends and family were telling her that too,
• 50:15
  Speaker 1: but she just couldn't let go. This was her baby's father.
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: So she got her lawyer friend back on the phone,
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: who said the only way she would allow her to
• 50:24
  Speaker 1: go back to Belfast was if she put legal documents
• 50:26
  Speaker 1: in place, called a parenting plan, so Phil couldn't turn
• 50:30
  Speaker 1: around and prevent her from bringing baby Emily back to Australia.
• 50:33
  Speaker 2: I was really really scared. I started the process though,
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: because in my head I wasn't ready to let go
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: of him, I guess, and I didn't want her to
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: be without a father. I felt really guilty. So I
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: was looking at rental places in Belfast. I said, if
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: I come back there, I'm not living in that house.
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: I don't want to live in that house, Like it
• 50:52
  Speaker 2: just had awful memories for me. The time I spent
• 50:55
  Speaker 2: there fighting with him was just so depressing. Anyway, So
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: I write this parenting plan and I read it back
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: to myself. It was just an a four page I
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: read back to myself about like reading it in black
• 51:08
  Speaker 2: and white. When I summarized our relationship the abuse, I went,
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: what the fuck am I doing? What the fuck am
• 51:16
  Speaker 2: I doing? What am I doing? I paid three grand
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: to write this page that made me. It was just
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: in black and white, like pretty much, Sarah, You're an idiot.
• 51:27
  Speaker 2: It's crazy, I guess, because there was just so much
• 51:29
  Speaker 2: good there, which doesn't really sound like it does it.
• 51:32
  Speaker 2: But he was charming, He was funny, and he just
• 51:35
  Speaker 2: doted on me. I got a foot massage every night.
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: He hooked me dinner every night. He was the partner
• 51:41
  Speaker 2: who would walk me to work in the morning, have
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: a coffee with me, and then I'd go to the
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: office and then he'd meet me for lunch as well.
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: Like he was just always wanted to be around me
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: and do nice things for me. The abuse aside. So
• 51:54
  Speaker 2: when I read this page about the things that he
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: had done. It was the emotional abuse more than the cheating.
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: It was just and the secrets and the lies, and
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: I just I couldn't. I was just in shock and
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: I just said, there's no way. And that was in
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: October twenty twenty. I said to him, not coming back.
• 52:11
  Speaker 2: I'm staying in Australia. If you want to work on
• 52:13
  Speaker 2: this relationship, you can come back here. I'm not coming back.
• 52:16
  Speaker 2: So I made that decision then, and yeah, the next
• 52:21
  Speaker 2: couple of months were just fights, just that roller coaster
• 52:24
  Speaker 2: of him first agreeing like he would agree, going yep, yep,
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: like I want to make it work with you. I
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: love you so much. But then he would be like,
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: you know what, I'm going to start dating again because
• 52:34
  Speaker 2: you're never going to come back, and that thread of it,
• 52:36
  Speaker 2: and I would be like, are you fucking kidding me?
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: I looked back over the messages recently and it's just
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: an absolute rollercoaster of him at first meaning that I
• 52:45
  Speaker 2: love you, I want to come back, I want to
• 52:47
  Speaker 2: live in Australia. How do I come back? Like like
• 52:50
  Speaker 2: where some kind of Romeo and Juliet torn apart by COVID,
• 52:54
  Speaker 2: But then getting abusive with me as well, threatening to
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: kill himself. Yeah, all that kind of stuff, up and down,
• 53:02
  Speaker 2: up and down.
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: It went on like this for months. Sarah had finally
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: put her foot down and wasn't going to bend over
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: backwards for this man anymore, and he seemed to respond.
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: After a few months, he booked to come and see
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: them whether he and Sarah were going to work as
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: a couple aside they still had a daughter.
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: He was supposed to come out here for a holiday
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: because some states were open. I booked a trip to
• 53:26
  Speaker 2: Port Douglas, and I thought you could barry a reef.
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: I still wanted to make it nice for him while
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: he was here. He canceled a week before. I was
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: just beyond furious because I had paid for everything as
• 53:36
  Speaker 2: usual and had to cancel. I was looking forward to
• 53:39
  Speaker 2: having time with another parent, sharing the nice things about
• 53:44
  Speaker 2: our child. She's growing quick, she's adorable, and I was
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: just really looking forward to sharing that experience with someone else.
• 53:52
  Speaker 2: And yeah, he just canceled. I was just so angry.
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: And then if flipped again like he couldn't afford it.
• 53:58
  Speaker 2: That's what it was about. Then two weeks later, he
• 54:01
  Speaker 2: was desperately trying to book that. Now, Oh, shock, horror,
• 54:05
  Speaker 2: there's no flights. Yeah, the world is pretty much shut down.
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: Like I planned all those for you months in the making.
• 54:11
  Speaker 1: I did.
• 54:11
  Speaker 2: He is application for the waiver to get into Australia
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: because he wasn't a citizen. I did all of that.
• 54:17
  Speaker 2: I organized everything, and he just canceled a week out.
• 54:22
  Speaker 2: So then that whole process starts again, and now it's
• 54:24
  Speaker 2: just all, yeah, desperation and what am I going to
• 54:27
  Speaker 2: do now, I'm desperate to come. I miss you, I
• 54:29
  Speaker 2: love you, I love her, blah blah blah. So he
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: comes out and he gets here in June. Emily was
• 54:39
  Speaker 2: about to turn one, so her birthday is in August.
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: So he said to me, well, at least you know,
• 54:44
  Speaker 2: like trying to smooth things over with me after the
• 54:46
  Speaker 2: canceled made trip. Because this is the trip, by the way,
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: where I said to him that I'm not coming back.
• 54:52
  Speaker 2: He works from home anyway, He said, I can just
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: do European hours in Australia. It'll be tough, but it's
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: worth it. It's worth it because I want to be with
• 55:00
  Speaker 2: you and Emily. We were sleeping in separate bedrooms because
• 55:04
  Speaker 2: I co sleep with Emily. But it was just so
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: nice having someone to parent with. There were no fights,
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: like everything was great. And he had said, you know,
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: at least I'll be here for Emily's first birthday now,
• 55:15
  Speaker 2: like you know, I can stay a couple of months.
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: Two weeks, ten days before her birthday, he sent me
• 55:21
  Speaker 2: a screenshot of an email from his boss saying that
• 55:24
  Speaker 2: he had to go to a conference in Dublin, and
• 55:26
  Speaker 2: I'm like, I just remember feeling sick. I was just
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: so furious ten days shy of Emily's first birthday. So
• 55:34
  Speaker 2: he goes back, I have her first birthday without him.
• 55:37
  Speaker 1: She couldn't keep doing this, but she still did want
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: Emily to have her father in her life. So Sarah
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: took it into her own hands and took their little
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: girl to visit her dad back in Belfast.
• 55:50
  Speaker 2: I said to his mom, like, I'll come and visit
• 55:52
  Speaker 2: you while Peel's working one day and so you can
• 55:55
  Speaker 2: have some time with Emily. And I went over and
• 55:57
  Speaker 2: I told them everything. I said, well, hasn't Phil told
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: you anything? And she said no, he doesn't tell us anything.
• 56:06
  Speaker 2: And I said, well, this is what happened. And she
• 56:09
  Speaker 2: burst into tears and she said I can't believe this
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: is all happening again. And yeah, so he had cheated
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: on his wife the whole marriage. She'd thrown him out,
• 56:20
  Speaker 2: finally took him back, accepted all his excuses. They had
• 56:23
  Speaker 2: a second child. He did it again, like she was
• 56:26
  Speaker 2: holding a newborn and he was having an affair with
• 56:28
  Speaker 2: another woman. There was photos on social media of them,
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: like having his romantic trip to Paris while his wife
• 56:34
  Speaker 2: is at home with their six week old baby. He
• 56:37
  Speaker 2: left her in debt, He maxed her credit cards out,
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: he left their shared account in overdraft. Her credit rating
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: hasn't recovered from being with him. And I'm finding out
• 56:49
  Speaker 2: all of this years later, years in, I've got a
• 56:52
  Speaker 2: one year old child with him. That he's a really
• 56:54
  Speaker 2: bad guy. He's a bad.
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: Guy, And it turned out it wasn't just relationships he
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: lied about.
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: While I was in Belfast, there was a giant stack
• 57:03
  Speaker 2: of like I'm talking thirty centimeters high of you know,
• 57:07
  Speaker 2: bills and whatever its sitting in the kitchen. I hate clutter.
• 57:11
  Speaker 2: I went through it. There was so many mortgage statements.
• 57:13
  Speaker 2: I picked up one that was open and read it.
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: The house that he'd nearly paid off that didn't cost
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: him anything. He hasn't paid it off at all, and
• 57:22
  Speaker 2: he's paying a huge, huge interest rate, which means that
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: he's borrowed against it many times his income statement as well,
• 57:30
  Speaker 2: he lied to me about how much he earned huge
• 57:33
  Speaker 2: council tax bills. He hasn't paid them since twenty fifteen,
• 57:36
  Speaker 2: twenty sixteen, credit card debt, all totally as much as
• 57:40
  Speaker 2: I could see in the bills, mortgage aside twenty thousand
• 57:44
  Speaker 2: pounds twenty thousand pounds, So it was all just coming down,
• 57:48
  Speaker 2: falling down around me. I could no longer make excuses
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: for this man. The moment that I snapped was I
• 57:56
  Speaker 2: went to London for a couple of days with Emily
• 58:00
  Speaker 2: in December twenty twenty one, and he was coming over
• 58:03
  Speaker 2: in a couple of days to join me, and we
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: had plans with friends over there, and I messaged him
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: and I said, one of my best friends lives in
• 58:11
  Speaker 2: Paris and some friends from Australia are going to be
• 58:13
  Speaker 2: there between Christmas in years how would you feel about
• 58:16
  Speaker 2: having Emily for a night of two on your own
• 58:19
  Speaker 2: so I can go? And he said, I was waiting
• 58:21
  Speaker 2: for this. You didn't come here to spend time with me.
• 58:25
  Speaker 2: You came here because you wanted to party with your friends.
• 58:28
  Speaker 2: And I snapped. I said, yeah right, Phil, I've just
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: spent six weeks in your shithole of a house in Belfast,
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: just for two nights off. It's not babysitking, she is
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: your child. And I snapped and I told him to
• 58:41
  Speaker 2: go fuck himself. My flight had been booked to stay
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: there till February the next year, and I changed it
• 58:48
  Speaker 2: to Christmas Day and I said, you've got two weeks
• 58:51
  Speaker 2: to come to London if you'd like to say goodbye
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: to Emily, but I'm going back to Australia. You can
• 58:55
  Speaker 2: go fuck yourself. And he didn't come. He said good
• 58:59
  Speaker 2: safe flight. He didn't care I get back now, I
• 59:03
  Speaker 2: mean business. I'm done with him. I'm furious. I found
• 59:06
  Speaker 2: out what he did to his wife. I found out
• 59:08
  Speaker 2: that the guy that I was with does not exist.
• 59:10
  Speaker 2: He just read me. He read me like a book.
• 59:14
  Speaker 2: He just sort of married me and tried to be
• 59:17
  Speaker 2: everything that I wanted, and he did a very good
• 59:19
  Speaker 2: job of it. I mean abuse aside. But yeah, I
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: was done, and I applied for child support. So far,
• 59:26
  Speaker 2: I'd just been doing everything myself. I was made redundant
• 59:28
  Speaker 2: to by the way, during all this, I didn't have
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: a job.
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: I think we know feel well enough by now. Do
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: you think he made the child support process easy? Of
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: course not. He cried poor, he refused to provide his income,
• 59:41
  Speaker 1: and he tried to get away with leaving it all
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: to Sarah yet again. But we also know Sarah well
• 59:47
  Speaker 1: enough by now too to know she was not going
• 59:50
  Speaker 1: to let this slide.
• 59:53
  Speaker 2: So I was back. I'd applied for child support. I
• 59:56
  Speaker 2: was moving on with my life. I got a place
• 59:57
  Speaker 2: in Melbourne, COVID was over, got Emily into a great
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 2: daycare center, and yeah, getting my life back again. And
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: he would just do anything to try and get my attention.
• 1:00:08
  Speaker 2: I had him blocked. He was just talking to himself
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 2: and my spam folder. At one stage it was once,
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: sometimes more a day he was viewing my LinkedIn. We
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: had never been connected on LinkedIn, We're in different industries,
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: no need. He just kept viewing my LinkedIn profile. Finally,
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 2: one night I just got fed up. I'd had a
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 2: few drinks and open it up and it was just
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 2: like he wanted me to see that he's got this
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 2: fancy new job, and I felt rage. I felt rage
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 2: beyond belief. I went and he worked for a rather
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 2: large company, an American company. I just went and on
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 2: every post where someone had written congratulations mate, la da
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 2: da da da. I commented on any colleague, neural company,
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: and any friend that I knew his friends. Yeah, isn't
• 1:00:54
  Speaker 2: it great? Hopefully now he'll start paying child support hopefully now, Yeah,
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 2: great work Phil. Hopefully now you might start contributing to
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: your daughter, who's now two or three at the time.
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: Good to see you advancing in your career. Now can
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 2: you start paying child support? I commented on every post,
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: and he emailed me and he said you better stop
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 2: that or I'll get a restraining order. And I wrote
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 2: back and I said, mate, you've been asking for this
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: for three weeks. Go ahead, go ahead. So time goes on,
• 1:01:23
  Speaker 2: and I'm feeling good. I've moved on. He doesn't consume
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 2: my thoughts at all. I don't even check my spam
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 2: folder anymore. And I hear about this page on Facebook
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 2: called are We Dating the same guy? And it's by location.
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 2: There's a Melbourne one, there's a Sydney one. There is
• 1:01:36
  Speaker 2: a London, Belfast and Dublin one. I posted him on
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 2: all three London, Belfast and Dublin pictures of his dating profile.
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 2: I posted him because I wanted to warn women about him,
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 2: for one, but secondly, I was curious, what else has
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 2: he done because Imagen said to me he'd been on
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: tender on and off for two years. He always swore
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 2: to me she was the only one. There was just
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 2: never anyone else, So I was still a bit curious.
• 1:02:03
  Speaker 2: Plus I wanted to warn women because he's charming, he's
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 2: a good liar. So I post him on this and
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I could never have been prepared for
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 2: the stories that have come forward. It is unbelievable. He
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 2: cheated on me several times I know of now. He
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 2: cheated on his wife NonStop. There's just so many, so
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 2: many stories. Girls go, oh my god, shook that this
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 2: guy is still doing this fifteen years ago, twenty years ago.
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 2: He lied about his name, he lied about his age.
• 1:02:36
  Speaker 2: He's just the talented mister. Really, he just keeps creating
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 2: these fake lives and lying to women. And I connected
• 1:02:43
  Speaker 2: with his ex girlfriend before me, who he had told
• 1:02:48
  Speaker 2: me about her, not that they were in a relationship.
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 2: He talked about her and said I dated this lovely girl.
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 2: But she had a lot of problems, so I couldn't
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 2: take it seriously when they went on a few dates
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 2: and then I more was her friend and taking care
• 1:02:59
  Speaker 2: of her. I thought he was such a nice guy
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 2: because she had anorexia and some mental health problems. Well,
• 1:03:05
  Speaker 2: Olivia reaches out to me. It turns out that they
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 2: were together on and off for a year and a half.
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 2: They tried to have a baby together, she actually did.
• 1:03:14
  Speaker 2: He wanted a little girl that actually got pregnant, but
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 2: she had a miscarriage. He tormented her so badly she
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 2: ended up in a mental health institution for a month.
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 2: So the stress. She sent me screenshots. He harassed her,
• 1:03:28
  Speaker 2: he stalked her, he abused her. The way he spoke
• 1:03:32
  Speaker 2: to her was scary and disgusting, and I was just
• 1:03:37
  Speaker 2: an absolute shock seeing it all in black and white,
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 2: from his phone number, from his email address. It was
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 2: just another person again. You know, there was the disgusting
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 2: guy that had the foul affair with a young girl,
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 2: but then there's this absolutely psychotic, threatening, scary guy, and
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 2: both of them. I still couldn't compute with the guy
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 2: I knew so on the pages, particularly the Dublin and
• 1:04:04
  Speaker 2: Belfast one, there's a lot of activity. There's a lot
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 2: of women commenting. Women that he's promised the world and ghosted,
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 2: women that he's mormented. One girl that he started dating
• 1:04:15
  Speaker 2: when Emily was her newborn babut and we were doing
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 2: skype counseling sessions because he was trying to convince me
• 1:04:21
  Speaker 2: to come back to Belfast. He had another girlfriend, you know,
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: when he blew up at me one of the first times,
• 1:04:28
  Speaker 2: just before we moved into our apartment together. Well, that
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 2: week he also had slept with another woman, so she
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 2: reached out to me. He had said. I went back
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 2: and I checked the messages. He had said to me,
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, baby, I need to get back to
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 2: Belfast early this week. I'm going back tomorrow and I
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 2: went no problems. I didn't even ask why. I just
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 2: assumed it was something for his children. He went back
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 2: to have sex with her. He was on fab Swingers,
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 2: sugar Daddy dot Com, Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, you name it.
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 2: I first posted on that site eighteen months ago, and
• 1:05:02
  Speaker 2: I'm still getting women come forward. I've had at least
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 2: forty women come forward with their own stories about him.
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 2: In the beginning, it was shock, it was still painful,
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 2: still hurtful, because this man pretended that he loved me,
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 2: so that you know, that's hard. It's also a lot
• 1:05:23
  Speaker 2: of disgust, and it sickens me that I didn't make
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 2: a better choice for my daughter Emily, because she doesn't
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 2: have a father in her life, and she definitely lacks it.
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 2: When I say lacks it, she wants for nothing. But
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 2: she compares herself to her friends and asks me why.
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 2: I don't know what to say to her, so I
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 2: just say, well, you do have a father. His name's Phil.
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 2: Here's a picture of him holding you when you're a baby.
• 1:05:45
  Speaker 2: He lives in another country. So the rest of it
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 2: I'll work out down the track. But that's enough for
• 1:05:50
  Speaker 2: her for now. Now. When I still hear from new women,
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 2: which I do, I find myself telling them what they
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 2: need to know, warning them, you know, having a private conversation,
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 2: but also counseling them kind of because I'm so far
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 2: down the road of healing where I'm okay and it
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 2: doesn't hurt me anymore. It did in the beginning, but
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 2: it does not hurt me at all, and helping them
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 2: through that process of disbelief, I will believe it here's
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 2: the evidence. And in a weird way, I've made some
• 1:06:20
  Speaker 2: friends out of it. Two of the girls in particular,
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 2: they're just so great and we kind of chat from
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 2: time to time, even about other things going on. Bizarrely,
• 1:06:28
  Speaker 2: it's become sort of a safe space for me. I'm
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 2: great now. Life is fantastic. My daughter Emily is amazing.
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 2: I think everyone's a little bit biased about their own child,
• 1:06:41
  Speaker 2: but in my case, she is amazing. Everybody tells me.
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 2: So we have a very happy little life together. I'm
• 1:06:48
  Speaker 2: very settled in Melbourne. I've got all my old friends,
• 1:06:51
  Speaker 2: I've got new friends. I've met a great group of
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 2: mums I've met through her daycare center. And yeah, life
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 2: is really really good. I have no desire whatsoever to date.
• 1:07:03
  Speaker 2: I think having an almost four year old takes enough
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 2: energy as it is, and I know enough about it,
• 1:07:11
  Speaker 2: and I a realist enough to know that it's just
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 2: recovering from narcissism abuse. I now realize very much struggled
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 2: to believe because I thought, no, he has empathy, he's
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 2: got all these things, but he just he's faking it.
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 2: He is a textbook narcissist, and I now recognize that
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 2: I'm just recovering from that narcissistic abuse. Even though I'm fine,
• 1:07:33
  Speaker 2: I don't want to date and that's why. So actually,
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 2: one of the girls I've connected with that he dated
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 2: one of my friends. She's recommended a fantastic book I'm
• 1:07:41
  Speaker 2: reading at the moment on healing from that, so we'll
• 1:07:44
  Speaker 2: see where that goes. I couldn't change anything because then
• 1:07:48
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't have Emily and she wouldn't be her. So
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 2: it killed me how much she looked like him as
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 2: a baby, But now she doesn't. She just looks like her,
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 2: so it's okay. So yeah, I wouldn't change the thing
• 1:08:01
  Speaker 2: because I wouldn't have her.
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: Everyone has an Eggs is a Minti Media production and
• 1:08:10
  Speaker 1: proudly You're part of the network. Is written and narrated
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: by me Georgia Love and produced by Linda Scott. If
• 1:08:17
  Speaker 1: you have a story you'd like to share, email podcast
• 1:08:20
  Speaker 1: at momamea dot com dot au. You can support us
• 1:08:23
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• 1:08:26
  Speaker 1: leaving a five star review. We'll see you for the
• 1:08:28
  Speaker 1: next episode.