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REPLAY: Discipline, Correction and Punishment...Oh, My! · Grace for My Home | Christian Women, Growing in Faith

• 1:13
  Audrey: Hello friend, welcome back to Grace For my Home.
• 1:16
  Audrey: What a blessing it is to be back with you again this week.
• 1:19
  Audrey: As you know, if you're a regular listener, I'm in the middle of a five-week replay series.
• 1:26
  Audrey: I'm going back and replaying our five most popular podcast episodes, and I'm doing that for a number of reasons.
• 1:33
  Audrey: Number one there's a lot of people who haven't heard these those of you who are newer listeners.
• 1:38
  Audrey: These are some of the ones that I recorded quite some time ago two to three years ago and I think they're some of the best, and so I want to give you an opportunity to hear them.
• 1:48
  Audrey: Also, I am taking some time before summer starts to work on some projects.
• 1:55
  Audrey: I released my first book October of last year and I'm working on my second.
• 2:02
  Audrey: This book is going to be a devotional and I'm really looking forward to it, but I need some time to concentrate on it, to just work on that book, because I want to get it out into the world, and I'm working on some other things that I think you'll like.
• 2:16
  Audrey: The episode that I'm re on some other things that I think you'll like the episode that I'm re-releasing today is called Discipline, correction and Punishment.
• 2:22
  Audrey: Oh my, and in this podcast I talk about how to discipline and correct our children, and I'm going to tell you this is probably, to me, one of the hardest parts of being a parent.
• 2:36
  Audrey: As a new mom, I really struggled in this area.
• 2:39
  Audrey: Honestly, disciplining and correcting my boys was so difficult for me that there were times that I just wanted to avoid it at all costs, even though I know they needed it.
• 2:50
  Audrey: It just stirred up so many bad emotions and memories in me and it always left me feeling defeated and incapable of being a good mom.
• 3:00
  Audrey: And I'm not exaggerating I hated when I had to deal with discipline issues with my boys.
• 3:08
  Audrey: You know, I just wished everything could have always been happy, but it's not.
• 3:12
  Audrey: And when you're training young men and women and that's what they are they're kids today, but eventually they're going to be men and women.
• 3:15
  Audrey: When you's what they are, they're kids today, but eventually they're going to be men and women when you're training them and you want to teach them right, it takes correction, it takes discipline, and so I needed a lot of help and I couldn't just change overnight.
• 3:31
  Audrey: You know.
• 3:32
  Audrey: I just wanted to, to just be different, and I couldn't, and I had to come to grips with a lot of issues in my own heart, and so in this podcast I'm going to speak on those things, on that topic, and I really do hope that it's an encouragement to you.
• 3:49
  Audrey: I don't know everything, I don't pretend to know everything, but I have been through some things and hopefully something that I've been through or something that the Lord has helped me with will help me to encourage you in that area.
• 4:01
  Audrey: So I hope you enjoy this.
• 4:03
  Audrey: Please reach out.
• 4:05
  Audrey: I would love to hear from you.
• 4:07
  Audrey: I'm still around, even though I'm doing this replay series.
• 4:10
  Audrey: I would love to hear from you.
• 4:12
  Audrey: I'm still blogging.
• 4:13
  Audrey: I'm still sending out weekly emails.
• 4:14
  Audrey: So look in the show notes for different ways to communicate with me and let me know you're listening.
• 4:21
  Audrey: That would just bless me so much.
• 4:23
  Audrey: Hope you have a wonderful week and I hope you enjoy this episode.
• 4:26
  Audrey: Hi friends, welcome back to Grace From my Home.
• 4:31
  Audrey: Hope you're doing well this week.
• 4:34
  Audrey: I wanted to talk with you about something that I guess I've been avoiding it a little bit.
• 4:40
  Audrey: Maybe a little bit, but I wanted to talk with you about discipline and correction and punishment.
• 4:47
  Audrey: And I say avoiding it because that's probably not my favorite subject, not my favorite topic, not because I don't think it's important, but because I think it can be difficult, or I should say it was.
• 5:02
  Audrey: It has been difficult for me and I don't even like telling you that, because I tell you that and you may ask, you know, you may think well, why am I listening to her?
• 5:13
  Audrey: Why on earth would I listen to her?
• 5:15
  Audrey: And I just want to say, because if it's difficult for you, then maybe you just need to hear that you're not alone, that that's just a difficult subject.
• 5:27
  Audrey: And as a young mom, I just felt like I was not very good at correction at the discipline, didn't always know how to deal with those situations when my children would disobey me, when they would not listen to me or respond to me the way that I thought they should, and there was something inside of me that felt like there was something wrong with me or that somehow I missed the class.
• 5:51
  Audrey: I really did.
• 5:53
  Audrey: I felt like, you know, so many people seem to know what they were doing and when it came to those subjects to me, I just felt like I missed that class somewhere.
• 6:02
  Audrey: And you know, and what was really frustrating was when my husband could do and say the same things but they responded differently to me and that was really frustrating.
• 6:15
  Audrey: And so so, if you're, I say that.
• 6:19
  Audrey: I just put that out there.
• 6:20
  Audrey: So you, so that if you can relate, if you also struggle in those areas, I want you to know you're not alone and that if God can help me, he can help anybody.
• 6:31
  Audrey: You know, and I don't come to you.
• 6:33
  Audrey: I try not to come to you each week as someone who has it all together.
• 6:37
  Audrey: I'm not to come to you each week as someone who has it all together.
• 6:38
  Audrey: I'm not, I'm someone who is in the process.
• 6:41
  Audrey: But I've learned some things along the way and I hope that something that I say today will be helpful to you.
• 6:49
  Audrey: But I'll just start off by saying that you know I did not grow up in a Christian home.
• 6:56
  Audrey: Saying that, you know I did not grow up in a Christian home, so sometimes I felt like that was a disadvantage because I didn't always know how to handle certain situations.
• 7:04
  Audrey: But I have met many people along the way who did grow up in Christian homes.
• 7:09
  Audrey: They still struggled in this area.
• 7:12
  Audrey: I think these are just hard subjects and we always I think it's our human nature that we want to do better.
• 7:20
  Audrey: You know that we.
• 7:21
  Audrey: You know, we've seen how things have been done in the past maybe in our homes or, you know, in other generations and we think I want to do better.
• 7:28
  Audrey: And I think that's a godly thing.
• 7:30
  Audrey: You know, I think it's right to want to do better, I think it's right to want to give our children better.
• 7:36
  Audrey: And so I really, you know, when I found out that I was going to have a child, I just, you know, you imagine I'm going to be the best mom.
• 7:46
  Audrey: I'm just going to put all my effort into this, I'm just going to try really hard.
• 7:49
  Audrey: And you know I'm just going to be the best mom.
• 7:51
  Audrey: And you feel that way because you love these children so much and you want to do everything right by them.
• 8:00
  Audrey: But you don't turn into a new person just because you had a child or became a mom.
• 8:06
  Audrey: I mean, a lot of things about you change.
• 8:08
  Audrey: You know, the things you care about change right, but you as a person, your character, your strengths, your weaknesses, you're still the same person.
• 8:20
  Audrey: And so when we become moms and we have all these aspirations, a lot of times it takes us a while to catch up with our aspirations.
• 8:30
  Audrey: You know, we're still that same person.
• 8:33
  Audrey: We still have the same flaws, we still have the same mindsets person.
• 8:38
  Audrey: We still have the same flaws, we still have the same mindsets.
• 8:40
  Audrey: And so when we become a mom, in order to be the mom that in our mind we see we want to be, sometimes it's not our children, it's us that have to have mindset shifts, it's us.
• 8:51
  Audrey: And so when I became a mom and I had these wonderful ideas of how this wonderful mom I wanted to be and I realized I was far from that I had to change.
• 9:04
  Audrey: You know, I had to come to grips with some things about me that if I was going to be the mom that I saw in my mind's eye, that I wanted to be, that I could be, that I wanted my children to have, then I was going to have to let the Lord deal with me, with my heart, and change me and make me that person.
• 9:22
  Audrey: But one of the things, you know, that was very hard for me as a young mom was discipline and correction.
• 9:30
  Audrey: I guess those are two things, aren't they?
• 9:32
  Audrey: But they go hand in hand.
• 9:33
  Audrey: So discipline and correction and that was not easy for me because I really struggled in that area.
• 9:41
  Audrey: You know, honest confession, I wanted to avoid those things at all cost, because I didn't like myself.
• 9:52
  Audrey: When I tried to discipline and correct my children, it usually ended up something like this you know, my boys would do something that I didn't like or that I knew they shouldn't be doing, or that I had told them not to do, and I would try to be gentle and kind and tell them no, let's not do that, that's not what we're supposed to do.
• 10:12
  Audrey: And of course they would do it anyway.
• 10:14
  Audrey: And then, you know, I would raise my voice a little bit just to assert my authority and say no, no, no, honey, we're not going to do that.
• 10:23
  Audrey: Remember, mama asked you not to do that.
• 10:25
  Audrey: And of course they would still do that, right.
• 10:28
  Audrey: And so then I would take it up a notch.
• 10:31
  Audrey: Well, and every time I take it up a notch, they're matching me, right.
• 10:35
  Audrey: I mean, there it's, now it up a notch.
• 10:36
  Audrey: They're matching me, right.
• 10:37
  Audrey: I mean, now it's a battle of the wheels and it's becoming frustrating, and they're still not listening to me.
• 10:47
  Audrey: And so the gentleness and the kindness, they fly out the window and I'm going over into the frustrated, angry side.
• 10:53
  Audrey: And when it's all said and done, I was trying to deal with their bad behavior.
• 10:57
  Audrey: And, when it's all said and done, I was trying to deal with their bad behavior.
• 11:00
  Audrey: But I have to come to grips with my own bad behavior, which I can't justify by saying they made me angry, right, because I'm an adult.
• 11:08
  Audrey: They're the children, I'm the adult.
• 11:11
  Audrey: And so there was this vicious cycle for me of frustration and anger, and then the guilt, and then the confusion, like, well, how was I supposed to handle this anyway?
• 11:23
  Audrey: And I wanted to do things differently, but I had no idea how, and I just needed a lot of help.
• 11:31
  Audrey: You know, I couldn't figure it out.
• 11:32
  Audrey: I couldn't just change.
• 11:34
  Audrey: You know, I just wanted to just flip the switch and just be a better mom, be a different mom, be a different person.
• 11:41
  Audrey: You know, I don't wish you could just decide today I'm going to be a different person and be a different person.
• 11:46
  Audrey: It doesn't work that way.
• 11:47
  Audrey: You know, we are who we are and we can grow and we can change.
• 11:51
  Audrey: But we are like.
• 11:53
  Audrey: We're like trees, you know, trees grow slow.
• 11:59
  Audrey: They take in what they need right from the environment around them.
• 12:03
  Audrey: They take in the nutrients from the soil, they take the sunlight from above, they take the water from the rain and they grow, but you don't look out and see them grow in one day.
• 12:14
  Audrey: And that's how we are.
• 12:17
  Audrey: We are growing, hopefully.
• 12:20
  Audrey: We're getting the right things to grow, we're getting the right knowledge to grow, we're getting.
• 12:24
  Audrey: The Son of God above God's grace is shining on us.
• 12:27
  Audrey: We're becoming, but it is a process, and so the first step of the process is to want to change.
• 12:36
  Audrey: Right, you can't change somebody who doesn't want to change or who doesn't see their need to change.
• 12:40
  Audrey: And I saw very clear my need for change and as God's grace helped me and he had to help me even to believe I could change, because after you go in that cycle for a while, you start thinking, well, I'm just a bad person, I'm a bad mom, I'm never going to change.
• 13:00
  Audrey: I've tried and tried and tried.
• 13:02
  Audrey: But I think sometimes we have to get to that point to realize that I need help, that I can't do this on my own, and then we invite God in to help us.
• 13:12
  Audrey: So you know, as I went through this, I realized I really need to see correction and discipline through God's eyes.
• 13:23
  Audrey: I need a biblical perspective on this, because I obviously don't have a biblical perspective.
• 13:30
  Audrey: I don't see this God's way.
• 13:33
  Audrey: And I want to read, just to show you this in the Word, because I think this scripture here captures the heart of the Lord when it comes to discipline.
• 13:44
  Audrey: But it's from Hebrews 12, verses 9 through 11.
• 13:47
  Audrey: It says us and we respected them for it how much more should we submit to the Father of Spirits and live?
• 13:59
  Audrey: They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best, but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.
• 14:10
  Audrey: No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful Later on.
• 14:15
  Audrey: However, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it, and that's what we want for us and that's what we want for our children.
• 14:25
  Audrey: We want them to be disciplined, we want them to be trained.
• 14:29
  Audrey: You know, we want them to have that harvest of righteousness and peace, and we, as moms, we're part of that training team for our children.
• 14:40
  Audrey: I want to just hit a few things today that I think will be helpful for you.
• 14:47
  Audrey: First of all, discipline means to train someone to behave in a desired way.
• 14:53
  Audrey: Discipline comes from the same word that disciple comes from.
• 14:58
  Audrey: A disciple is someone who submits to or follows a more knowledgeable or a wiser person so they can be trained by that person in order to become more like them.
• 15:09
  Audrey: We think of Jesus and the 12 disciples.
• 15:12
  Audrey: They walked with Jesus.
• 15:14
  Audrey: Jesus taught them, he was close with them.
• 15:18
  Audrey: They were becoming more like their master.
• 15:21
  Audrey: Jesus said when a disciple is fully trained, he's like his master.
• 15:27
  Audrey: And so that's the word discipline, and discipleship and discipline.
• 15:34
  Audrey: They're a lifetime process.
• 15:37
  Audrey: It's not something that we do occasionally or we do when we can fit it in our schedule.
• 15:42
  Audrey: Discipleship is a lifestyle.
• 15:45
  Audrey: It is a way of life.
• 15:46
  Audrey: It's always going on.
• 15:48
  Audrey: It doesn't always include correction, it doesn't always include punishment.
• 15:53
  Audrey: It is a lifestyle.
• 15:55
  Audrey: It's living our life before our children so that they can become like us, which means we got to be the people that we want them to be like.
• 16:05
  Audrey: Right.
• 16:05
  Audrey: That's what discipleship is like, and discipline comes from that becoming a discipled person.
• 16:12
  Audrey: Discipline also carries that idea of a self-controlled person.
• 16:18
  Audrey: You know we say a disciplined person is one who has self-control.
• 16:23
  Audrey: Correction means to put right or to adjust something that's out of alignment so that can function properly and according to a standard.
• 16:33
  Audrey: See, correction happens at a specific time.
• 16:37
  Audrey: It's an event.
• 16:38
  Audrey: You know where discipleship is the whole process.
• 16:42
  Audrey: Correction is a specific event or an occurrence, and it's necessary.
• 16:49
  Audrey: It's a necessary part of discipleship.
• 16:51
  Audrey: Now we will be corrected, so we can be like our teacher.
• 16:57
  Audrey: It's a tool that the teacher uses to bring the student into alignment.
• 17:01
  Audrey: Think about a violin teacher.
• 17:04
  Audrey: This violin teacher is teaching the student to use the correct form.
• 17:08
  Audrey: We'll say the student doesn't use the correct form.
• 17:10
  Audrey: So the teacher steps in and says no, no, no, do it this way.
• 17:14
  Audrey: And he corrects his form.
• 17:16
  Audrey: He says put it here.
• 17:17
  Audrey: You know, hold it here.
• 17:18
  Audrey: And he does this so that so the student can play the violin better and also so the music will be beautiful.
• 17:28
  Audrey: It's a matter of instruction and correction and it's putting things right.
• 17:34
  Audrey: You know it doesn't necessarily require punishment, right Right, it's just correction when we see something out of a line.
• 17:42
  Audrey: No, not this way, do it this way.
• 17:44
  Audrey: Punishment is a negative consequence for wrongdoing.
• 17:49
  Audrey: It's intended to limit or stop the wrong behavior.
• 17:53
  Audrey: And you know I've just read these off to you.
• 17:57
  Audrey: I've just, you know from my notes I've talked to you about discipline and discipleship and correction and punishment.
• 18:05
  Audrey: But I'll be honest with you, when I first became a mom and I was trying to do these things, they weren't that clear to me.
• 18:12
  Audrey: It's easy to write them on paper and one, two, three.
• 18:55
  Audrey: But when I got in the middle of it I didn't know what I was trying to do.
• 18:59
  Audrey: They all seemed to muddle together.
• 19:01
  Audrey: What are you to do?
• 19:03
  Audrey: What's a mom to do when she's never had that kind of instruction or training but she wants to give it to her children?
• 19:10
  Audrey: For me, I had to turn to Jesus for wisdom because I felt like he had given me this assignment Raise these little ones for me.
• 19:22
  Audrey: And as I prayed, as I turned to Jesus for wisdom, he was faithful.
• 19:28
  Audrey: He was faithful to give me the wisdom that I needed.
• 19:32
  Audrey: He shed more and more light on my path.
• 19:35
  Audrey: He taught me as I taught my children.
• 19:39
  Audrey: You know I was learning, they were learning.
• 19:41
  Audrey: In the end, we all learned together.
• 19:43
  Audrey: But for now, I want to share with you four suggestions that helped me to disciple my children for Jesus, even when I felt like a complete failure.
• 19:56
  Audrey: The first one is get clear on your goals.
• 19:59
  Audrey: What are you training your children to do or to be?
• 20:04
  Audrey: That is so important because if we don't know, how are they going to know If we don't give them specific and clear instructions and what we expect and what we want and what the desired behavior is.
• 20:21
  Audrey: If we don't make it obvious, then punishment or correction, it's just going to frustrate them and it's going to frustrate us.
• 20:31
  Audrey: You know, we may think it's obvious, we may think, well, they should know better.
• 20:36
  Audrey: Well, they may not know better.
• 20:38
  Audrey: You know we may think, oh well, they know, they're not supposed to run through the library screaming.
• 20:44
  Audrey: But we have to tell them over and over and over every time you go to the library.
• 20:51
  Audrey: Right, we have to give them explicit instructions, and I encourage you to make a list of the most important lessons that you want to teach your children before they leave your home.
• 21:05
  Audrey: What kind of character traits you want to instill in them?
• 21:08
  Audrey: What kind of values do you want to pass on to them?
• 21:12
  Audrey: Write down your goals, and you don't have to, they don't have to be the ones you keep forever.
• 21:18
  Audrey: You can adjust it, you can change it, you know, but get something written down so you know what the goal is.
• 21:24
  Audrey: Then you have something to teach, you have something to aim for, you have something to correct when they go off of that established goal.
• 21:33
  Audrey: But otherwise the goal is fuzzy, the path isn't clear, and so it's like you're punishing, you're correcting, but they weren't really sure what the goal was in this first place.
• 21:44
  Audrey: So make sure that it's clear.
• 21:46
  Audrey: Even if you think it's clear, make sure it's clear to them.
• 21:51
  Audrey: You know, for example I'll give you an example of this One of the most important lessons that I wanted to teach my children was to obey me and to obey their father, to obey the authority in their life, because if they can't obey us, they will not be able to obey God.
• 22:08
  Audrey: You know, obedience is it's a hard issue.
• 22:11
  Audrey: And as we train them to obey us it's not that we just want to be the ogres that.
• 22:17
  Audrey: You know, they have to do everything we say it's a hard issue.
• 22:21
  Audrey: We're teaching them how to obey God.
• 22:22
  Audrey: If they can't obey us, teaching them how to obey God.
• 22:22
  Audrey: If they can't obey us, they can't obey God.
• 22:25
  Audrey: And so, as we're teaching them to obey us, as we're training them to obey us, then they're learning how to obey God.
• 22:36
  Audrey: And you know, another thing was I wanted them to have to be able to and this goes along with the first one I wanted them to be able to accept correction from us with a humble heart.
• 22:49
  Audrey: You know, when I corrected them, I wanted them to be able to listen, to take it, you know, to not get frustrated or mad or, you know, or have a bad attitude.
• 22:59
  Audrey: Now, that's hard for adults, that's hard for me I mean nobody likes to be corrected so you know, it's hard for a four-year-old.
• 23:09
  Audrey: So that in itself will help us have grace with them, because these are hard concepts for anybody.
• 23:17
  Audrey: But knowing that that's what I'm training, knowing that that's the goal, helped me to help them, helped me to train them.
• 23:26
  Audrey: So have a goal in mind, verbalize it, get it on paper, make it plain to understand, and that'll make it so much more helpful for you and for them.
• 23:37
  Audrey: It's like you'll be speaking the same language.
• 23:39
  Audrey: So that was number one.
• 23:42
  Audrey: You'll be speaking the same language.
• 23:46
  Audrey: So that was number one.
• 23:46
  Audrey: Number two training works better in the context of a strong relationship.
• 23:49
  Audrey: Now I discovered that all training works better when I focus on the relationship over the training, or when the training is in the context of the relationship.
• 24:04
  Audrey: You know, you've probably heard the saying people don't care how much you know till they know how much you care.
• 24:09
  Audrey: Well, that's especially true with children.
• 24:12
  Audrey: You have to connect with them.
• 24:14
  Audrey: They have to know that you are after their good.
• 24:18
  Audrey: You know it's not a tug of war, then.
• 24:22
  Audrey: It's not you against me.
• 24:23
  Audrey: And as I learned to respond to my children, even when they disobeyed, with love and not with anger, then they were more open to my instruction.
• 24:34
  Audrey: Now it doesn't mean they always obeyed, but it meant that even when they disobeyed, they knew that they could trust me.
• 24:41
  Audrey: You know, I was a stable person as I learned not to respond to anger in all these situations.
• 24:47
  Audrey: Instead of avoiding me because they feared my punishment, they were drawn to me even when they did wrong, because they knew I loved them.
• 24:55
  Audrey: I had access to their hearts.
• 24:59
  Audrey: As I worked on our relationship, as I put that first, they started listening to me more.
• 25:06
  Audrey: You know, it was not perfect.
• 25:08
  Audrey: They didn't always obey, but I knew I had their hearts and it really helped with them listening to me because they knew I was for them and not against them.
• 25:20
  Audrey: You know and keep in mind this.
• 25:22
  Audrey: You know this is part of you.
• 25:25
  Audrey: Have a relationship with your children, right?
• 25:27
  Audrey: This is part of discipleship, this is part of training.
• 25:30
  Audrey: You live in the same house, right?
• 25:31
  Audrey: When you mess up, let's say, you just have a day and you blow it.
• 25:37
  Audrey: Tomorrow you're going to have another chance.
• 25:39
  Audrey: You've just got to dust off the discouragement.
• 25:43
  Audrey: You know, kick the dust off your shoes right.
• 25:45
  Audrey: Kick off the discouragement and tomorrow you try again and they love you and you love them.
• 25:51
  Audrey: This is a relationship.
• 25:52
  Audrey: Nobody's going anywhere Now.
• 25:54
  Audrey: We're going to learn together, we're going to grow together and we're going to become the people God created us to be in relationship.
• 26:04
  Audrey: I've got a whole podcast on this, so I'm not going to go too in depth, but it's called the Power of Relationship, the Key to your Child's Heart, and I encourage you.
• 26:13
  Audrey: It's one of the first episodes that I ever recorded, so I encourage you to go and look for that one.
• 26:19
  Audrey: I'll put it in the show notes.
• 26:21
  Audrey: But focus on training.
• 26:24
  Audrey: That was number two.
• 26:27
  Audrey: Training works better in the context of a strong relationship.
• 26:31
  Audrey: Make the relationship stronger and the training will go better.
• 26:36
  Audrey: Number three believe your child wants to obey you and please you.
• 26:42
  Audrey: This is a big one and this, for me, was a hard one to get into my head, but once I did it, it made my job so much easier.
• 26:55
  Audrey: Let me explain what I mean by this.
• 26:59
  Audrey: Sometimes we can believe that our children are out to thwart us.
• 27:03
  Audrey: Yes, sometimes we can believe that our children are out to thwart us.
• 27:05
  Audrey: You know my oldest son, david.
• 27:06
  Audrey: Right now he's 16, almost 17 years old, and he has always been a free spirit.
• 27:12
  Audrey: You know, he loves to try new things, he loves to experiment with new things.
• 27:18
  Audrey: He, he's not afraid of anything.
• 27:22
  Audrey: You know, as a little boy I remember taking him to Chick-fil-A.
• 27:26
  Audrey: Actually, I didn't my sister, I was working at the time and she took her kids and my kids to Chick-fil-A.
• 27:34
  Audrey: And David, she sent me this picture I was at work and David was dancing with the Chick-fil-A cow.
• 27:41
  Audrey: Her children were scared to death of the Chick-fil-A cow, but not my David.
• 27:45
  Audrey: You know, he never met a stranger, he was not afraid of anything.
• 27:50
  Audrey: He just had this very and still does very outgoing adventurous spirit.
• 27:57
  Audrey: But when he saw something he wanted, he wanted it, and I would tell him no and that just made him want it that much worse.
• 28:06
  Audrey: And I mean things that would harm him, things that he should not be, he did not need to have.
• 28:12
  Audrey: You know, he just he had in his mind he wanted something and he locked in on it and after a while I started to believe that he was being purposely disobedient, that he was rebellious in his heart and because we struggled so many times.
• 28:37
  Audrey: I struggled with him disobeying me, him not doing what I asked him to do, and it seemed like it was a constant tug of war with me and David.
• 28:45
  Audrey: He wanted something and I said no.
• 28:48
  Audrey: He wanted to do something and I said no.
• 28:51
  Audrey: And I noticed that I started to develop an attitude towards my son.
• 28:56
  Audrey: You know, I started to believe that he was being purposely disobedient and rebellious towards me, and that belief in my heart set us up for a power struggle, because I was determined he is going to listen and he is going to obey and he was determined to have his way.
• 29:16
  Audrey: And it wasn't pretty and it seemed like it went on for a long time.
• 29:22
  Audrey: But little by little the Lord started showing me that the problem was not with David, that the problem was within my own heart, not his.
• 29:31
  Audrey: You know, I was the adult, he was the child.
• 29:35
  Audrey: It was my job to train him and to help him grow and not punish his immaturity, because you know what Punishment does not cause a child to go from immature to mature.
• 29:47
  Audrey: Training does.
• 29:48
  Audrey: So God encouraged me to start seeing David's heart through his eyes.
• 29:55
  Audrey: He encouraged me to start believing that David wanted to obey and please his mom, to please me.
• 30:04
  Audrey: He just needed me to believe in him first.
• 30:09
  Audrey: So I did, and it was not hard because the evidence seemed that he could care less about pleasing me, that he could care less about obeying me.
• 30:20
  Audrey: But I started believing deep in his heart.
• 30:24
  Audrey: He wants to please me, he wants to obey.
• 30:27
  Audrey: He just has this adventurous spirit and the Lord encouraged me Don't see him as rebellious, don't see him as disobedient, see him as curious, see him as full of life, and it will change these interactions.
• 30:43
  Audrey: It won't be you trying to control him.
• 30:48
  Audrey: It will be you trying to control him.
• 30:51
  Audrey: It will be you trying to lead him.
• 30:52
  Audrey: But as I started to believe good things about him and in him, I started seeing those good things and he started maturing and I saw his heart turning towards me as I extended grace to him and it changed our relationship.
• 31:10
  Audrey: And it changed our relationship.
• 31:11
  Audrey: And you know, there were times when David, when he knew he had done wrong before, he would not come to me and that would just escalate the situation.
• 31:21
  Audrey: But as I started tending his heart, as I started seeing him through new eyes, even when he messed up, he would come to me and he even started coming to me and telling me things that he had messed up with that I did not know about Now.
• 31:34
  Audrey: Before that would have never happened.
• 31:36
  Audrey: I would have never known about him because he was afraid of punishment.
• 31:40
  Audrey: But as I started being more open to him and less critical of him and trusting that he really did want to please me, that he really did want to obey me, that came to life and I believe it was there all along.
• 31:59
  Audrey: It's just I was focused on the negative instead of the positive.
• 32:04
  Audrey: So I hope that is encouraging to you.
• 32:08
  Audrey: I want you to trust me that it works is encouraging to you.
• 32:13
  Audrey: I want you to trust me that it works.
• 32:14
  Audrey: When you think good things about your children, then they want to rise to your expectations.
• 32:17
  Audrey: Now, it wasn't picture perfect.
• 32:20
  Audrey: I don't want to make this, you know, sound like, oh, I just believed and everything was great.
• 32:25
  Audrey: We still had rough days.
• 32:27
  Audrey: You know they still threw fits.
• 32:29
  Audrey: To be honest, I still sometimes threw fits.
• 32:33
  Audrey: You know we still had issues.
• 32:35
  Audrey: But as God changed me, I learned how to reach their hearts and, you know, at first it seemed like it was hit and miss, like sometimes we would have a really good day and I'd be like, oh okay, this really works.
• 32:48
  Audrey: And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing in wisdom and the important thing was I, this really works.
• 32:52
  Audrey: And then the next day, you know, not so good, but I was growing in wisdom and the important thing was I no longer felt powerless.
• 32:56
  Audrey: You see, when things didn't go my way and I could not control my children, I felt powerless and my children felt out of control.
• 33:06
  Audrey: But as I started seeing that God wasn't asking me to control my children, but to lead them and to teach them and to grow with them, then I no longer felt like we were all out of control.
• 33:16
  Audrey: I felt like we're growing.
• 33:19
  Audrey: We're not perfect, but we had grace with each other, and harsh punishments never worked for us.
• 33:26
  Audrey: They just made.
• 33:27
  Audrey: They just made it worse.
• 33:28
  Audrey: So I encourage you to see things through new eyes.
• 33:32
  Audrey: You know, ask the Lord to show you your children through his eyes.
• 33:36
  Audrey: So I went a long time on that one.
• 33:38
  Audrey: That was number three.
• 33:39
  Audrey: Number four is focus on natural consequences rather than arbitrary punishments.
• 33:46
  Audrey: One of the ways we learn wisdom is by suffering the consequences of our foolishness.
• 33:54
  Audrey: You know, we the pain that we experience when we make bad choices.
• 33:58
  Audrey: They help us to think twice the next time we're faced with that same choice.
• 34:04
  Audrey: It helps us to choose the good instead of the bad, choose the right way instead of the wrong way, because because we remember that pain See, pain is a great motivator to grow in maturity, and so when we can allow our children to suffer the natural consequences of their bad behavior, that can be a wonderful teaching tool, and it keeps us from being the bad guy.
• 34:31
  Audrey: It keeps us from always having to come up with some unrelated punishment that may or may not help them to remember next time.
• 34:38
  Audrey: See and I know this is not always possible.
• 34:42
  Audrey: Okay, I just want to throw that out there.
• 34:44
  Audrey: You know, if your child has a habit of running into the road, then you cannot allow the natural consequence of being hit by a car.
• 34:52
  Audrey: Teach them not to run into the road next time, because there won't be a next time, right?
• 34:57
  Audrey: So I mean, when it's appropriate, allow them to feel the natural consequences of their own decisions, and then in the future, that will produce wisdom in them.
• 35:10
  Audrey: It's empowering, because they start making their own decisions based on what happened last time.
• 35:18
  Audrey: Now I'll give you an example.
• 35:20
  Audrey: I have one of my boys and I will not mention his name to protect him, but he has a hard time losing.
• 35:27
  Audrey: He is extremely competitive, always has been, and he loves playing board games with his brothers, my boys.
• 35:38
  Audrey: They are big board game people and when he was little and I mean little as in, like Candyland and you know little games If he was playing a board game with someone and he saw that he was going to end, he was going to lose, you know, he saw the end and it was inevitable he would get so angry he would take that board game and throw it on the floor because if he wasn't going to win, nobody was going to win.
• 36:06
  Audrey: And, of course, then, you know, there's chaos ensues, right?
• 36:11
  Audrey: Everyone's mad, and he would do that.
• 36:16
  Audrey: I would get upset, you know, I would send him to his room.
• 36:20
  Audrey: I would try to, you know, correct this situation as much as possible, and you know, and it just it was a lot of drama.
• 36:28
  Audrey: And so you know, though I love that, they love board games I knew if he doesn't win, this is going to be ugly.
• 36:36
  Audrey: Well, as I learned about natural consequences and tried to think of this through, you know, the eyes of wisdom.
• 36:45
  Audrey: What do you do?
• 36:46
  Audrey: Because I know this is going to happen again.
• 36:49
  Audrey: I told him at the beginning okay, if you destroy the game, if you get upset and throw the board in the floor, then you won't play this game or any other board game.
• 37:05
  Audrey: You know, if you can't take care of the board game, you don't play the board game, and that's one of those things that they don't believe until you actually do it.
• 37:16
  Audrey: So it inevitably would happen and I would say I'm sorry, honey, the board game's going up and you won't be playing the board game.
• 37:26
  Audrey: And I could do it calmly because I had a plan and I had warned him before.
• 37:32
  Audrey: And when it happened, after he calmed down, I would talk to him about it again and say Now you understand that because you destroyed the board game, because you threw it on the ground and stomped it, it's gone away for a long time, and not just this board game, but any board game.
• 37:48
  Audrey: Well, he loved board games.
• 37:49
  Audrey: So that really stunk and it stung inside.
• 37:54
  Audrey: Well, and not only that, but nobody wants to play with somebody who does that.
• 38:02
  Audrey: So even after his time was up, there'd be times when people, when his brother, when he'd want to play board games with his brothers and they didn't want to play with them.
• 38:10
  Audrey: And he would try to get me to make them play with him.
• 38:14
  Audrey: And I said no, honey, I don't blame them.
• 38:17
  Audrey: I can't blame them for not wanting to play with you because they can never win.
• 38:21
  Audrey: It's not fun to play with somebody when you can't ever win.
• 38:24
  Audrey: And so it made a difference and little by little, he learned to play without drama, or he couldn't play at all, and you know, to this day we can see it boiling underneath.
• 38:38
  Audrey: You know he's still very competitive as a teenager.
• 38:41
  Audrey: He still wants to win, but he tries to keep his emotions in check and he's learning to be a good loser and he's also learned to be a good winner, and sometimes that can be an even harder lesson to learn right.
• 38:55
  Audrey: So, by grace, we teach our children how to mature in character, how to grow, and natural consequences can be a big help in that.
• 39:08
  Audrey: And, like I said, they take the pressure off of us.
• 39:10
  Audrey: It's not us.
• 39:11
  Audrey: This was your decision, this is what happens, you know, when you act this way, people don't want to play with you and so you're not being the bad guy.
• 39:21
  Audrey: They have made a choice and you know that empowers them, it shows them that they have the power to cause things to go well or to cause things to not go well.
• 39:30
  Audrey: And we're showing them that they have a will, they have a choice to make and that they can choose the good and that choosing the good has benefits, right?
• 39:41
  Audrey: So I hope that these I hope I haven't rambled too much I hope these have been helpful, encouraging to you.
• 39:46
  Audrey: If this is an area that you struggle in and I'm going to talk more about this in the future and you know, maybe this is not hard for you at all, maybe you, you know, maybe you're excellent in correction and discipline, but I am.
• 40:01
  Audrey: I have not been, you know.
• 40:02
  Audrey: I have grown and these are four things that have helped me grow, for attitude adjustments.
• 40:08
  Audrey: I guess I should say for me, not for them, but for me.
• 40:12
  Audrey: But before we go, let me pray with you and just send you out with a blessing Father, we thank you that we are blessed that, lord, we're blessed to be yours, we're blessed to be alive, lord, and we're thankful, and I thank you, lord, that you haven't just given us these children and said do your best, you're walking with us and, god, I pray that you'd help us in this area of discipline and correction.
• 40:36
  Audrey: God, it can be so hairy sometimes because I can get so caught up in my own emotions, but, lord, help us to see it through your eyes.
• 40:45
  Audrey: God, help us to look at it in a new perspective.
• 40:49
  Audrey: God, help us to see that, lord, it doesn't have to be that way.
• 40:54
  Audrey: That, lord, we can grow as they grow, and I ask you to give all of us wisdom.
• 40:59
  Audrey: Lord, let us see the hearts of our children, lord, through your eyes.
• 41:03
  Audrey: Lord, let us see them as wanting to obey us and, lord, let us see them grow.
• 41:08
  Audrey: And that's so encouraging, lord, when we see them growing.
• 41:12
  Audrey: And we thank you.
• 41:14
  Audrey: We thank you for your grace, thank you for covering us, lord, this week with your love.
• 41:19
  Audrey: In Jesus' name, amen.