Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #143 Finding Your Groove

Transcript

#143 Finding Your Groove · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: If we just focus on one or two things, it's
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  Speaker 1: just inch by inch ingrament by increment, we get to
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  Speaker 1: do things better.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 2: poor parent who just one's answer is now good. This
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  Speaker 2: is doctor Justin Colson here with my wife and possibly
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  Speaker 2: the best co host that any parenting expert has.
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  Speaker 3: On the planet.
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  Speaker 4: Are you soaking up to me?
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  Speaker 3: Maybe a little bit?
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  Speaker 2: Missus Happy Families, Kylie. So we've been doing the podcast
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  Speaker 2: for two weeks and it's been a lot of fun
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  Speaker 2: Kylie like, we talk about stuff, but so much of
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  Speaker 2: family life is transaction, all right. We're talking about who's
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  Speaker 2: going to take the kids here or.
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  Speaker 3: Do this or by the way.
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  Speaker 2: We're the parents of coundum, six daughters, six girls. For
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  Speaker 2: those of you who are new to the podcast, welcome.
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  Speaker 2: We're so glad to have you here. I've written six
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  Speaker 2: books about raising happy families, and today we thought we'd
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  Speaker 2: give you an insight, just a snapshot.
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  Speaker 3: We're not going to give you the whole thing, but
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  Speaker 3: a bit of an.
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  Speaker 2: Insight into what we do on a weekly basis to
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  Speaker 2: try to keep our family function the way that we
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  Speaker 2: need it to. Because we've discovered that intention is critical.
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  Speaker 4: Well, happy families don't just happen.
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  Speaker 3: Happy Family.
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  Speaker 2: Oh that's good. Happy families don't just happen. That's our
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  Speaker 2: tagline for our Happy Families memberships. If you haven't discovered
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  Speaker 2: that yet, a bit of product placement, nicely done.
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  Speaker 3: I haven't even that wasn't even the planned or anything.
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  Speaker 2: So what happened last Friday was we talked about that
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  Speaker 2: beautiful book, a favorite of ours, which you can find
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  Speaker 2: in the Things we Love section of the Happy Family's website.
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  Speaker 2: Just such a gorgeous little book about a little boy
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  Speaker 2: who has a rotten day, does all these bad things.
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  Speaker 2: That night, his mum comes in to tucking me in
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  Speaker 2: and say good night, nails down beside the bed. He
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  Speaker 2: thinks he's going to get in trouble for all the things.
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  Speaker 2: That mum starts listing them in a prayer to God
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  Speaker 2: and then says, God, help me to be better tomorrow
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  Speaker 2: just in case it happens again.
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  Speaker 3: Kind of thing.
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  Speaker 2: And it's just so beautiful the way there's this parent
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  Speaker 2: who has lost the plot a few times with her child,
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  Speaker 2: but is now pleading with Heaven for patients.
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  Speaker 3: We love that idea.
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  Speaker 2: Because a mom and dad we get it wrong all
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  Speaker 2: the time, and we want to do better tomorrow.
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  Speaker 1: I've been reading this book for over twenty years now,
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  Speaker 1: and it still just hits me every time. It's just
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  Speaker 1: such a beautiful message, and I think most parents can
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  Speaker 1: relate to that sense of being distressed by their lack
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  Speaker 1: of ability to kind of cope well in a moment.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and the book is so beautiful that the poor
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  Speaker 2: poetry is overlooked because the message is so good.
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  Speaker 4: You're such a hard critic.
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  Speaker 2: It just got the look Kylie refuses to watch a
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  Speaker 2: movie with me because I'm I'm not critical.
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  Speaker 4: I just if I'm going to watch a movie, it's
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  Speaker 4: got to be a good movie anyway.
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  Speaker 1: We're going to talk about something that we do every
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  Speaker 1: week that has such a significant impact on us being
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  Speaker 1: able to be better.
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  Speaker 2: We call it the drum Roll Weekly Couple's Infantry. I
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  Speaker 2: can't believe that that's what we call its.
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  Speaker 3: Well, we think I have been reading business books or
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  Speaker 3: something when we came up with it.
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  Speaker 4: It is very, very business like.
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  Speaker 2: It's about creating intention for our family, though, so three
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  Speaker 2: simple questions that we ask one another every single Sunday.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to do a sort of a modified version
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  Speaker 2: of that right now, I don't really exactly know where
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  Speaker 2: Kylie's going.
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  Speaker 3: Kylie doesn't know where I'm going.
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  Speaker 2: So you're going to hear it raw as it will
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  Speaker 2: happen this coming Sunday or you know, in a couple
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  Speaker 2: of days time. We ask three questions of one another,
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  Speaker 2: what went.
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  Speaker 4: Well, what didn't, and what are we going to do
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  Speaker 4: to be better?
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  Speaker 2: I love how you look at the notes, even though
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  Speaker 2: we've been doing this for three years, four years.
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  Speaker 4: Sort to make sure I got the words right.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, So let's go through this fairly quickly because
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  Speaker 2: we don't want to bore everyone with our lives.
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  Speaker 4: I'll stop talking.
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  Speaker 2: We're going to talk about what went well first. Please,
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  Speaker 2: we're not bragging. If you can't think of what went well,
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  Speaker 2: by the way, just pause, slow down, do this little
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  Speaker 2: couple's inventory, or if you're on your own, do it
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  Speaker 2: on your own or with a trusted friend or confidante.
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  Speaker 2: Stuff does go right in your week, no matter how
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  Speaker 2: bad the week is.
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  Speaker 1: You know, sometimes we get stuck as a husband and
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  Speaker 1: wife in working out whether or not something's gone right,
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  Speaker 1: because sometimes our weeks get so bogged down with what
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  Speaker 1: we see as negative that we actually lose sight of
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  Speaker 1: the positive. What we've found has worked really well in
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  Speaker 1: our family is to actually sit down around the dinner
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  Speaker 1: table and just say what went well well this week
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  Speaker 1: with the kids, and they kind of sometimes will prompt
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  Speaker 1: us to kind of see things in a different light.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes we get so caught up in the busyness of
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  Speaker 1: our day and see things as negatives, and when we
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  Speaker 1: take a step back and allow our children's perspectives to
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  Speaker 1: kind of open our view, we recognize that there actually
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  Speaker 1: is a lot of positive going on. Hopefully today we'll
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  Speaker 1: be able to kind of show that a little bit
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  Speaker 1: as we discuss.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, I'm going first, I'm going first. I'm going first,
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  Speaker 3: what went well?
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  Speaker 4: What went well?
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  Speaker 2: Justin thank you so much for asking.
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  Speaker 3: Hunt what went well? It was?
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  Speaker 2: Our great ten daughter has been really dragging the chain
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  Speaker 2: around the house lately, and about a week ago I
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  Speaker 2: sat down with her and said, we need to explore
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  Speaker 2: explaining power.
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  Speaker 3: I said, what's going on with your mornings?
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  Speaker 2: And so she told me and I was like, yeah, okay,
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  Speaker 2: well here's what I need and here's why. And she
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  Speaker 2: sort of looked at me and said, so, what are
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  Speaker 2: we going to do about it? And she didn't really
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  Speaker 2: have anything for me.
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  Speaker 4: Well, you gave her a few and she was not
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  Speaker 4: happy with them.
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  Speaker 3: Yep, yep.
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  Speaker 2: So I said, okay, well I need to hand it
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  Speaker 2: over to you. What do you think She came up
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  Speaker 2: with a suggestion. She said, if I'm ready every morning
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  Speaker 2: by this time, will you do this for me so
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  Speaker 2: that everything goes smoothly. And I said, well, I'm going
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  Speaker 2: to give you the benefit of the doubt because I
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  Speaker 2: believe in you. If you can do it, you'll have
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  Speaker 2: my full support. I did not think for a moment
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  Speaker 2: that she'd be able to do it.
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  Speaker 3: She has nailed it.
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  Speaker 2: Every single day, we're out the door on time, no
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  Speaker 2: disruption to family life as a result of it. It's
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  Speaker 2: just been blissed. So the three e's even work when
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  Speaker 2: our kids know what they are like. It's just been
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  Speaker 2: so good. That's my big win.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, my big win. We've just started a new school
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  Speaker 1: with the younger children.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so at the end of week three and it's
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  Speaker 3: going really well.
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  Speaker 1: It is going really well. And one of the things
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  Speaker 1: that we loved about this is a school option for
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  Speaker 1: us was that it's just around the corner.
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  Speaker 2: Shout out to the public. Schools, So for the last
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  Speaker 2: ten years, our kid's been private schools. We might actually
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  Speaker 2: talk about school choice later, but shout out to the
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  Speaker 2: public schools because they are so happy at their public
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  Speaker 2: schools right now.
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  Speaker 4: They are and they're doing really, really well.
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  Speaker 1: And one of the reasons that they were excited about
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  Speaker 1: going to the local school was because it's only a
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  Speaker 1: two minute drive from our house to the school, which
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  Speaker 1: meant that we could actually walk or better still, ride
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  Speaker 1: our bikes. Now where we live there's actually quite a
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  Speaker 1: few nasty hills, and so unfortunately, even though it's only
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  Speaker 1: two minutes in the car, it's about twenty minutes on
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  Speaker 1: a bike because we've got to navigate some pretty steep
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  Speaker 1: hills to do this ride. But for this last week,
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  Speaker 1: we've almost ridden every day and the kids are just
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  Speaker 1: loving it. But the big win out of this entire
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  Speaker 1: situation is that our ten year old is almost doing
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  Speaker 1: this independently now, So I obviously have to stay behind
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  Speaker 1: with our six year old and kind of navigate the
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  Speaker 1: hills with her a little bit slower, but our ten
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  Speaker 1: year old, she's just rearing up those hills so quickly,
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  Speaker 1: and so she's actually getting to school a full ten
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  Speaker 1: minutes or so before I do with Emily, and she
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  Speaker 1: just feeling this sense of independence and achievement that she
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  Speaker 1: wouldn't have felt otherwise. So this is a really big
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  Speaker 1: win for us this week.
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  Speaker 2: And it's kind of come off the back of that
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  Speaker 2: Lanor Skenesy podcast that we did about free range kids
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  Speaker 2: and letting your kids grow.
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  Speaker 1: So I was I've finally just actually found that one recently,
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  Speaker 1: and yes, it definitely had an impact on my capacity
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  Speaker 1: to actually let go a little bit and give Lily
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  Speaker 1: that chance to just stretch her wings a little bit.
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  Speaker 3: Here's what she said.
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  Speaker 5: The illusion that we can control for every variable leads
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  Speaker 5: to extreme nervousness on the part of parents because there's
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  Speaker 5: no acknowledgment that we can't control everything. We aren't gone,
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  Speaker 5: you know, we think we are. We have the phones,
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  Speaker 5: we can track them, we can see who they texted,
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  Speaker 5: we can you know, there's cameras everywhere. But in fact
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  Speaker 5: we're not in complete control. If you think you are,
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  Speaker 5: you will never be able to let go at all
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  Speaker 5: because you will think if anything bad happens, there will
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  Speaker 5: be no grace.
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  Speaker 2: All right, let's take a quick break and when we
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  Speaker 2: come back, we're going to talk about what didn't go
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  Speaker 2: so well and what we're going to do better next week.
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  Speaker 2: We're talking about what works well and what doesn't work
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  Speaker 2: well and what we're going to do next week. It's
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  Speaker 2: part of our I guess, public accountability. Really the parenting
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  Speaker 2: expert me, doctor Justin Coulson. This is Happy Families beside me.
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  Speaker 2: This is our weekly couple's inventory. We do it every
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  Speaker 2: single week because we want to be better tomorrow. So,
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  Speaker 2: what didn't go so well this week?
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  Speaker 1: We've had a couple of things, but the main one
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  Speaker 1: is just we've had some really late nights.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so I'm blaming Netflix and Apple TV. We've got
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  Speaker 2: a couple of series that we're enjoying. I was going
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  Speaker 2: to raise this as well.
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  Speaker 4: No, no, no, you can't say it's just Netflix.
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  Speaker 1: You're coming out of the office late, and then we're
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  Speaker 1: coming together as a couple and you know, wanting to
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  Speaker 1: have a little bit of downtime, but because you're coming
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  Speaker 1: out of the office so late, any downtime we're having
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  Speaker 1: leads into a really late night.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I was going to say the other thing is
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  Speaker 2: I'm probably doing too many hours. That was going to
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  Speaker 2: be my what's not going so well.
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  Speaker 4: As we stole it because it's not going well for
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  Speaker 4: me either.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, all right, So this is the conversation that we
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  Speaker 2: would normally have. Of course, we would expand on a
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  Speaker 2: lot more in the in real life, which is what
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  Speaker 2: we'll do on Sunday.
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  Speaker 3: We're going to have to come up with a plan.
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  Speaker 2: But if we're going to focus on one or two
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  Speaker 2: things for next week so that our family can be better.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, we did that podcast just the other day
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  Speaker 2: about making our mornings magic, and the central thing that
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  Speaker 2: we identified was your morning starts the night before and
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  Speaker 2: we've kind of we've talked about it, but we haven't
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  Speaker 2: really enacted it as.
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  Speaker 3: Well as we should.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to get out our evenings better and I've
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  Speaker 2: got to get out of the office on time.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, And that's all going to start on Sunday when
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  Speaker 1: we have our family meeting. That's where we're really going
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  Speaker 1: to kind of get to the crux of putting us
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  Speaker 1: all back on the same page.
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  Speaker 2: You know, the other thing that I really want to
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  Speaker 2: work on next week. If I'm going to leave the
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  Speaker 2: office on time, let's have proper family time by making
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  Speaker 2: sure that at least two afternoons next week. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: there's more daylight hours at this time of the year
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  Speaker 2: than any other time. And for the next couple of months,
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  Speaker 2: we've got this, so I reckon for the next for
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  Speaker 2: the next few weeks, in the afternoons, let's actually schedule
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  Speaker 2: so we know exactly what days I've got to leave
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  Speaker 2: early because we're going to do some family activities.
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  Speaker 4: Are you in, I'm in that sound that's awesome.
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  Speaker 2: Anything else you want to work on, No, I think
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  Speaker 2: that's good.
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  Speaker 4: I think that's a really good start for us.
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  Speaker 1: I think one of the most important things to remember
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  Speaker 1: when we are talking about what we need to do
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  Speaker 1: to do better is remembering to just focus on one
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  Speaker 1: or two things. If we give ourselves a big lesson
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  Speaker 1: and some weeks, let's face it, there's a big list
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  Speaker 1: of things that we could focus on. But if we
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  Speaker 1: just focus on one or two things, it's just inch
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  Speaker 1: by inch ingment by increment, we get to do things better.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, we've tried that as well. When there's a list
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  Speaker 2: of oh, well, we need to do ten things better,
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  Speaker 2: because there was ten things that didn't go well, and
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  Speaker 2: you don't do any of them better at all. So
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  Speaker 2: that's right, one or two things is fine. I like
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  Speaker 2: those couple of things. I think that's going to make
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  Speaker 2: for a much better week.
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  Speaker 4: Next week, well, I'm looking forward to doing better.
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  Speaker 2: Thanks so much for listening. If you've enjoyed the podcast,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: please tell your friends, let everyone know that the Happy
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: Families podcast is awesome. Jump onto the Apple Podcasts or
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: stitch your apps that you use, or wherever it is
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: that you get your podcasts and leave a rating and review.
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: Those ratings and reviews help other people to find the podcast.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: We are so grateful for the ongoing ratings and reviews
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: that people keep on sending through. Thank you so very
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: much for your generous and kind comments. If you'd like
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: more information about how we can make your family happier,
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: all you need to do is look at our Facebook page,
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Dr Justin Colson's Happy Families. You can also find us
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: on Instagram and the website Happy families dot com dot
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: au