Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #869 Time Crunch Moments: Navigating Witching Hour

Transcript

#869 Time Crunch Moments: Navigating Witching Hour · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, Just before we start today's podcast, I wanted
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: to jump in with a quick message for parents of teenagers,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: and I want to choose my words very carefully. I
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  Speaker 1: don't want to talk about geopolitics. I don't want to
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  Speaker 1: talk about world history, Middle Eastern conflict. I don't know
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  Speaker 1: enough about all that to make any comments about people
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  Speaker 1: and races, other than to say that you're probably aware
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  Speaker 1: that there's a war going on in the Middle East
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  Speaker 1: and that some of the things that are occurring over
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  Speaker 1: there are appalling, atrocious and horrifying. Now, this is something
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  Speaker 1: that a lot of people have very very strong opinions about,
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: and I do too. But the purpose of this quick
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  Speaker 1: message is not to get involved in what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: but rather to encourage you to help your kids to
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  Speaker 1: be safe. Over the next few days, there's a very
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: strong possibility that Hamas is going to broadcast executions that
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  Speaker 1: they're going to share on TikTok and other social media platforms,
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  Speaker 1: different forms of torture and pain being inflicted upon those
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  Speaker 1: who they've captured as hostages.
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  Speaker 2: And if your children are on social.
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  Speaker 1: Media, there is a chance that they may be exposed
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  Speaker 1: to some of that. The algorithms pass stuff around the
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  Speaker 1: world very very fast. So this very quick message is
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  Speaker 1: simply to say this, there are some things happening right
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  Speaker 1: now that are awful number one. Number two, if your
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  Speaker 1: children are on social media, there is a chance that
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  Speaker 1: they may be exposed to that content. That's number two,
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  Speaker 1: and so number three. My encouragement would be that you
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  Speaker 1: spend some time chatting with them briefly about what's going on,
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  Speaker 1: about what your concerns are, and then work with them
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  Speaker 1: on a solution that can keep them safe. You might
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  Speaker 1: use the three ees, So let me add a fourth
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  Speaker 1: e e. Number one, explain what you know about what's happening.
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  Speaker 1: Number two, Explore how they feel about it and how
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  Speaker 1: they would feel if they were exposed to that content online.
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  Speaker 1: A number three Empower them to make decisions that will
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  Speaker 1: keep them safe.
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  Speaker 2: And any number four encourage them.
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  Speaker 1: Encourage them to talk to you if anything comes into
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  Speaker 1: their feeds that could be harmful to their well being
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  Speaker 1: and their psychology.
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  Speaker 2: Now let's move into the podcast.
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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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  Speaker 3: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just answers.
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  Speaker 1: Now. All this week we have been talking about those
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: tricky times in family life, making mornings. Magic got to
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: do about lunchboxes and dinner times and creating margin. Today
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  Speaker 1: the trickiest time, crunch time, the crunchiest of the crunches
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: that we have in family life.
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  Speaker 2: Makes family life sound hard, doesn't it? This week?
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  Speaker 1: But it can be today we're talking about my mom.
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  Speaker 1: I don't even want to say the word. My mum
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  Speaker 1: used to call it arsenic hour. Arsenic hour.
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  Speaker 3: It's pretty hard going, is that like? If it hits
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  Speaker 3: hard in your house, it feels like us, I'm.
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  Speaker 1: So done with the kids and I'm going to give
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  Speaker 1: them poison.
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  Speaker 3: No, I don't think it's them ready to take it
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  Speaker 3: at that point. Maybe that's what it is, anything to stop.
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  Speaker 2: You didn't call it that my mum called arsenic hour.
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  Speaker 2: I think she got it from her mum.
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  Speaker 1: You called it witching hour. Yeah, when the children become
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  Speaker 1: little witches. Right, So it doesn't seem to apply to
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  Speaker 1: all children. It seems to or kids grow out of
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  Speaker 1: it like the witching hours. It starts about five pm
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  Speaker 1: for little kids and continues through until almost bedtime.
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  Speaker 2: Really they grow out of it at what age? Would
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  Speaker 2: you say?
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  Speaker 3: Somewhere around about eight? I was going to say, it
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  Speaker 3: just depends on their ability to emotion regulate.
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  Speaker 1: That's really at the core of it. There's an acronym
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  Speaker 1: that I use all the time to highlight why the
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  Speaker 1: kids are going to be cranky. I mean, kids are
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  Speaker 1: cranky because of an unmet need, but usually can compartmentalize
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  Speaker 1: it into one of five things. Remember the acronym h alts,
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  Speaker 1: like the German police officer halts you asks you to stop.
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  Speaker 1: So H is for hungry, A is for angry, ELA's
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  Speaker 1: for lonely, tears for tired, and S is for stressed.
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  Speaker 1: And by five PM most afternoons, our children under about
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  Speaker 1: the age of eight or nine are feeling all five
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  Speaker 1: of those things.
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  Speaker 3: Like can you put an O when there somewhere? I
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  Speaker 3: think over stimulation has to be one of those things
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  Speaker 3: holpso holtso oh holts, because I think for a lot
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  Speaker 3: of our kids that's what we're dealing with after a
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  Speaker 3: massive day at preschool or big school, big school, there's
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  Speaker 3: just an over stimulation.
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  Speaker 1: I remember back in the early days of our marriage.
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  Speaker 1: I'm going back a little over twenty years now. I
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  Speaker 1: would get home from work maybe seven thirty at night.
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  Speaker 1: I was a radio announcer at four ro Rockhampton, and
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  Speaker 1: I'd be on air from two to seven, jump in
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  Speaker 1: the car, drive back to your poon, and then I
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  Speaker 1: would walk in the door and our baby girl.
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  Speaker 2: Was just screaming. It was the Witching hour. It was horrendous.
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  Speaker 3: Every it was more than an hour. It would go
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  Speaker 3: for three or four hours.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but I would take that. I wonder if.
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  Speaker 3: Now we went through that process again, whether it would
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  Speaker 3: have been as intense. But as new parents and quite young,
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  Speaker 3: it all felt a little bit overwhelming.
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  Speaker 2: I would walk that baby in a pram or on
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  Speaker 2: my shoulder for an hour, hour and a half every
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  Speaker 2: night around the neighborhood.
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  Speaker 3: We've got the best hour of the night.
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  Speaker 2: She was so peaceful and quiet, so peaceful.
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  Speaker 3: As soon as you got outside. And she's still the
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  Speaker 3: same today, twenty three years later.
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  Speaker 1: She literally being outside. I think that there's something in
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  Speaker 1: that for all parents. Kids like outside.
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  Speaker 3: But the night that stands out to me the most
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  Speaker 3: when it comes to Witching.
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  Speaker 2: Hour, the witchiest of all the witchy hours, was actually.
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  Speaker 3: A really major turning point for our family. You'd been
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  Speaker 3: at university studying all of these amazing principles and ideas
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  Speaker 3: about how families work, and just how to be a better,
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  Speaker 3: better dad specifically, and I had been dealing with just
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  Speaker 3: not witching. Our had been a day. It had been
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  Speaker 3: a really really hard day. I had a four year old,
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  Speaker 3: a one year old, and I was heavily pregnant, like
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  Speaker 3: I was just about to pop with baby number three.
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  Speaker 3: But our one year old had been at my feet
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  Speaker 3: for most of the day pretty much just crying. There
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  Speaker 3: was nothing I could do. Every time I kind of
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  Speaker 3: tried to give her cuddles or whatever, she didn't want that.
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  Speaker 3: She just wanted to scream at my legs, and I
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  Speaker 3: was at my wits end. You walked in the door,
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  Speaker 3: probably about five point thirty six o'clock at night.
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  Speaker 1: I think I remember this particular night, and if I
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  Speaker 1: remember correctly, it was dark.
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  Speaker 2: It was actually it was late than that.
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  Speaker 1: I think it was around eight o'clock and the kids
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  Speaker 1: should have been in bed, and instead I drove up
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  Speaker 1: the driveway and all the lights in the whole house
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  Speaker 1: were on and I can hear two kids screaming, and
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  Speaker 1: I've walked in and the house was not how I mean.
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  Speaker 1: You always had presentation plus in our house, but the
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  Speaker 1: house was just a shimmuzzle, and.
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  Speaker 3: I was at the stove of trying to.
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  Speaker 1: Try to cook dinner at like eight o'clock at night,
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  Speaker 1: and the kids were crying, and if this is the
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  Speaker 1: night that I'm thinking of, it was horrible and I.
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  Speaker 3: Was literally I was falling to pieces. I looked at
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  Speaker 3: you and I just said, you need to take these kids,
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  Speaker 3: or else I'm going to do something I'll regret, Like
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  Speaker 3: I was beside.
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  Speaker 1: Myself, and I think I said something really intelligent, like
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  Speaker 1: it looks like you've had a really tough day you did,
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  Speaker 1: how can I help? And that's when you yelled at
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  Speaker 1: me and said you need to take the kids, and
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  Speaker 1: then you went to the bedroom and slammed the door.
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  Speaker 1: And over the next maybe half an hour or so,
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  Speaker 1: I finished off dinner, I got some food in the kids' bellies,
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  Speaker 1: I put them to sleep, I was tiding up all
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  Speaker 1: all of this was happening.
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  Speaker 2: Everything calmed down.
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  Speaker 1: I went and sat with you and said, do you
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  Speaker 1: want to talk about it or do you just want
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  Speaker 1: me to give you some space?
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  Speaker 2: And I think you got cranky at me.
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  Speaker 3: I was pretty frustrated because I nailed it.
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  Speaker 1: I nailed it, and you were like, how di does
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  Speaker 1: he do that?
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  Speaker 3: But the thing that stood out the most of me
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  Speaker 3: in that whole experience wasn't the full thirty minutes. It
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  Speaker 3: was literally the first few lines that you said. After
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  Speaker 3: I had left the room. You got down to our
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  Speaker 3: little one year old's level and you literally just looked
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  Speaker 3: at her and said, you've had a really hard day.
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  Speaker 3: And I'm assuming because everything calmed after that moment, I'm
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  Speaker 3: assuming she kind of fell into you and just was like,
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  Speaker 3: somebody understands it's hard. And when I look back at
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  Speaker 3: that experience, what I see is for me, I needed
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  Speaker 3: somebody to say to me, it looks like you've had
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  Speaker 3: a really hard day.
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  Speaker 2: Well I did that. You were pretty crapy about it.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I needed it about four hours earlier. And just
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  Speaker 3: how powerful it was for a child, even at that
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  Speaker 3: young age, to have someone recognize her heart. And that
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  Speaker 3: was the turning point for our family and for me,
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  Speaker 3: recognizing that there were things that you were learning in
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  Speaker 3: your studies that was really impactful in the way our
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  Speaker 3: family would function moving forward.
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  Speaker 2: After the break.
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  Speaker 1: Three things we can do to overcome the challenges of
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  Speaker 1: the Witching Hour.
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  Speaker 3: I think when you unpack my story, you'll recognize there
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  Speaker 3: are three specific things that we could have done easily
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  Speaker 3: easily three done.
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  Speaker 1: Specifically, this is a team thing, it's we but if
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  Speaker 1: you're doing it on your own, three things that you
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  Speaker 1: can do.
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  Speaker 3: That would have completely revolutionized the way I handled the night.
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  Speaker 3: The kids still may have lost the plot, it still
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  Speaker 3: would have been hard, but these three principles will help
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  Speaker 3: you in moving forward in really positive ways.
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  Speaker 1: So the first thing that I'm going to go with
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  Speaker 1: is just have stuff ready. Have stuff ready, whether it's
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  Speaker 1: having a meal plan and we've talked about that this week,
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  Speaker 1: or having dinner pre prepped maybe you did it on
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  Speaker 1: the weekend before, or you've got stuff in the fridge
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  Speaker 1: that's ready to go.
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  Speaker 2: Having stuff ready.
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  Speaker 3: But also having activities for your kids to do during
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  Speaker 3: that time. If you start dinner at five o'clock, is
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  Speaker 3: there a few little activities that you could have out
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  Speaker 3: for the kids that they love doing and they can
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  Speaker 3: kind of self direct themselves through, but they're things that
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  Speaker 3: aren't out all the time.
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  Speaker 1: That ties in also with an additional element to this,
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  Speaker 1: and that's just having schedule and routine. Right, So cooking
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  Speaker 1: dinner at eight o'clock at night, clearly the schedule wasn't
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  Speaker 1: being kept to the routine. Was out the window. Everything
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  Speaker 1: had gone pear shape, the bottom had fallen out. When
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  Speaker 1: you've got a schedule and routine, you've done that prep.
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  Speaker 1: I mean, we're talking about when everything's going perfectly, and
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  Speaker 1: no family is ever this perfect all the time, but
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  Speaker 1: those couple of things so useful. And I'm also going
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  Speaker 1: to add, especially if you're at home on your own
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  Speaker 1: with little kids and you open the fridge and realize that,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: oh my goodness, a couple of things aren't here that
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I need. There's outsourcing available, Like there are people who
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: are available on the internet who can go and get
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  Speaker 1: stuff for you so that you can stay at home
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  Speaker 1: and keep the routine going as best you can. Outsource, outsource, outsource.
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  Speaker 1: I remember back at one point, for maybe six months
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  Speaker 1: in our family's history, when things were just really chaotic
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: for us, we had a friend. We paid for this,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: but we had a friend who when she was cooking
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  Speaker 1: her meals, she doubled the batch and cooked meals for
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: us as well. And so for about six months we
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: got four meals a week from a friend, and I
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: think whatever it was that we paid, it was not
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: that much really, because she was happy to do it.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: She knew that it was helping, it was supplying a
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: bit of extra income for her, and at the time
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  Speaker 1: it wasn't it wasn't killing us either, Like it just worked.
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  Speaker 1: The outsourcing was such a great way to get this done.
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  Speaker 3: Where do I find her again?
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  Speaker 2: I know we've moved and she's not available.
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  Speaker 1: Second big idea, keep yourself regulated, Keep yourself regulated.
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  Speaker 3: And I guess this is where self care really plays
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  Speaker 3: a huge part. If we're not taking care of ourselves mentally, emotionally,
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  Speaker 3: and physically, then it's really hard at the end of
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  Speaker 3: the day when our kids are losing the plot to
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  Speaker 3: not feel like we're one of the kids who.
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  Speaker 2: Are losing the plots.
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  Speaker 1: Because so getting enough of the right food, sleeping, enough
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  Speaker 1: moving your body and enough all those kinds of things.
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  Speaker 1: But also just like setting yourself. You know how you
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: if you're about to wrestle with somebody, even if it's
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: the kids, you kind of you get your feet play,
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: you get your shoulders squared up, and you get ready
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: to grab those kids and wrestle them. You kind of
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  Speaker 1: get your foundation ready so that you're stable in some ways.
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  Speaker 1: You kind of mentally want to do that before the
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  Speaker 1: witching hour begins, right, you sort of pause, take stock,
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: get the list together, and say, all right, here's the schedule,
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  Speaker 1: here's the structure, here's what I've got to do.
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  Speaker 2: Take a deep breath, let's go.
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  Speaker 3: Twenty plus years ago, self care was definitely on the table,
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  Speaker 3: but it wasn't something that was hugely talked about or
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: I dealt with. And just the difference that that would
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: have made for young mums who are at home and
• 12:35
  Speaker 3: feel like they don't have any time to themselves. Whitching
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: our can feel so overwhelming.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: Last thing, make yourself available as much as you can,
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: which sounds so unfair to say, but we've done this
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: with six kids now, we've been there, and there's something
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: amazing that happens when you invite the kids into your
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: space or when you get into their space being emotionally available, and.
• 12:57
  Speaker 3: At the other end of the spectrum, amazing how quickly
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: things go downhill. When we're checking our emails, we're on
• 13:04
  Speaker 3: the phone to our friends, or we're playing a game
• 13:07
  Speaker 3: or you know, kind of watching Netflix or whatever. Our
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: kids know when we're available and when we're not, and
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: they seem to kind of have those big emotions when
• 13:16
  Speaker 3: they don't feel like they can reach us.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: This week, it's been all about the crunch times in
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: family life. We think this is the, like I said,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: the crunchiest of all the crunch times. We hope that
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: our ideas are helpful and that your family feels happy
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: and safe as a result of what we've talked about today.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland for
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: Bridge Media.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: For more about making your family happier, please visit us
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: at happy families dot com dot a u