Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / How to Stop Sibling Squabbles [a listener Q&A]

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How to Stop Sibling Squabbles [a listener Q&A] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hello, this is The Happy Family's podcast. You've heard it before.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: He touched my staff, she's looking at me. He's breathing
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: too loud. If your house has a soundtrack, it's probably
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: something like this. If you have lots of kids running
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: around at least or more than one. Amy from Canberra
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: wants to know how to handle the low level sibling squabbles,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: not the big ones, the low level sibling squabbles that
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: aren't quite big enough for you to have to step in,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: but they're definitely big enough to drive you mad. Today
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: a tricky question, why refereeing makes it worse, what the
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: bickerings all about, and the counterintuitive move that will reduce
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: it without a sticker chart in sight, Stay with us.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: That's next. Welcome to The Happy Family's podcast, Real Parenting
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Solutions every Day. It's Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: are Justin and Kylie Coulson, and today on the pod,
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: we answer your tricky question. One of the most challenging
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: things about being in a family is sibling squabbles. If
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: you've got a tricky question you'd like to submit, We've
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  Speaker 1: got a super simple system at Happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot You just scroll down a podcast, click the record button,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: then start talking, or send us a voice note to
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: podcasts at happy Families dot com dot au. This is
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  Speaker 1: the latest one that's come through to the inbox.
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  Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. My name's Amy and I'm from Canberra.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just wondering if you have any tips on how
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  Speaker 2: to manage sibling squabbles, things like he said this, or
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  Speaker 2: she looked at me, or he touched my things, or
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  Speaker 2: she's too close to me. For context, I have a
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  Speaker 2: ten year old daughter and a seven year old son.
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  Speaker 2: I notice step in when things start to get it
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  Speaker 2: much more heated and when they can't solve their problems.
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  Speaker 2: But it's just the little squabbles, the little annoyances that
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  Speaker 2: they do to each other. How do my husband and
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  Speaker 2: I manage that? Thank you?
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  Speaker 1: I love this question, Kylie. How old you reckon person
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  Speaker 1: needs to be before they start getting along with their
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  Speaker 1: siblings and they stop needling each other.
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  Speaker 3: I think that some siblings might never outgrow that.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I was going to go. I was going to
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  Speaker 1: go with forty. I've got siblings overseas. I've got siblings
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  Speaker 1: in a state a thousand kilometers like thousands of kilometers
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  Speaker 1: and we still get on each other's nerves, and when
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  Speaker 1: we get together in person, it's like, oh, my goodness,
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  Speaker 1: really is still doing that. But I found that once
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  Speaker 1: they get into their mid to late thirties, maybe early forties,
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  Speaker 1: everyone finally grows up enough to say, we can get
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  Speaker 1: along for this weekend, we can get along for this event,
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  Speaker 1: this party. If you do not want siblings squabbles, there's
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  Speaker 1: only one way to do it, and the answer is
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  Speaker 1: don't have siblings. I'm serious, because.
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  Speaker 3: Once you've gotten well, it's a bit late now.
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  Speaker 1: So Amy, there's our answer. Sorry, thanks for that. No,
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  Speaker 1: I'm just kidding. We've we've got more, We've got more.
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  Speaker 3: So to help Amy out, why don't we just discussed
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  Speaker 3: a little bit why this is actually happening. She's got
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  Speaker 3: a ten year old do they've just got a seven
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  Speaker 3: year old son, And it's fair to say that this
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  Speaker 3: is extremely normal behavior. Yeah, if they weren't doing that,
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  Speaker 3: you'd kind of wonder what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: But it's normal because it's developmentally appropriate. Right, Like, you
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  Speaker 1: haven't learned to regulate your emotions, you haven't learned to
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  Speaker 1: regulate your behaviors, you haven't learned to bite your tongue.
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  Speaker 3: We've also got three years difference in developmental age as well.
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  Speaker 1: Right, So the big ones look at the little one,
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  Speaker 1: going they're so immature. The little one's look at the
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  Speaker 1: big one is saying it's not fair. How come they
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  Speaker 1: can do that? Or they're being means because they know
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  Speaker 1: how I.
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  Speaker 3: Want to be just like them.
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  Speaker 1: I know how to manipulate the environment. There's all of
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  Speaker 1: that going on, and a whole lot more. They just
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  Speaker 1: they haven't learned the social skills. So the job here
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  Speaker 1: really is to teach social skills. And unfortunately, most of
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  Speaker 1: our standard responses to sibling challenges sibling rivalry are exactly
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  Speaker 1: the opposite.
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  Speaker 3: So you might be studying the obvious, but what are
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  Speaker 3: our standard responses and why do they not work?
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  Speaker 1: Refereeing every dispute would be the first mistake. We see
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  Speaker 1: the kids and we feel like this cannot be fixed,
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  Speaker 1: and we step in and own the problem and fix
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  Speaker 1: the problem, and we don't give the kids credit for
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  Speaker 1: being able to get things right.
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  Speaker 3: And not only that, we usually step in we don't
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  Speaker 3: know the whole story. We've just picked up on the
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  Speaker 3: emotion in the room. We've seen something, but we haven't
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  Speaker 3: seen everything, and all of a sudden, we're pouncing on
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  Speaker 3: one child when we don't really understand. That child gets upset,
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  Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, everything is elevated.
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  Speaker 1: There are a couple of other things that go wrong
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  Speaker 1: here in addition to what you've said. The first is this,
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  Speaker 1: the kids start to believe that no conflict can be
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  Speaker 1: reconciled and repaired without parential intervention, and that leads to
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  Speaker 1: the second problem, which is that when they escalate, they
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  Speaker 1: escalate towards you. Yes, yes, it starts to blow up,
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  Speaker 1: and then they just gravitate in your direction. And now
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  Speaker 1: you are supposed to be the judge and jury, you're
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  Speaker 1: the police, You're the one that's got Not.
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  Speaker 3: Only that, sometimes you become part of the problem.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, by doing the things that you've highlighted.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, and then the kids are both angry at you
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  Speaker 3: on top of everything.
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  Speaker 1: I want to pick up up on what you said
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  Speaker 1: as well. This is something that happens all too often.
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  Speaker 1: We end up stepping in thinking we know everything, and
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  Speaker 1: then we punish the kid that we're pretty sure is
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  Speaker 1: the instigator, the aggressor. We decide with what the person
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  Speaker 1: that we perceive.
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  Speaker 3: And often that's the bigger one. I see, it's the eldest. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: you kind of expect more from them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's right. And even if they're not the instigator,
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  Speaker 1: we're like, well, you're bigger and you should be able
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  Speaker 1: to regulate and solve this anyway. So they're in a
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  Speaker 1: lose lose situation. They just can't get it right, and
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  Speaker 1: we as you said, I know that you've said it,
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  Speaker 1: but it deserves underlining and circling and highlighting. We don't
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  Speaker 1: know the details. We didn't see the start. We didn't
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  Speaker 1: see We also didn't see what happened ten minutes ago
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  Speaker 1: that set one of them off.
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  Speaker 3: Oh what's been happening all day under the table?
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. Another really common mistake that we make is that
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  Speaker 1: we just set up reward charts and that sort of thing, like, well,
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  Speaker 1: if you can get along, here's what I'm going to do.
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  Speaker 1: And so we we turn the family room into a
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  Speaker 1: game show, see each other as not as siblings and companions,
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  Speaker 1: but just as either an impediment or a transaction to
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  Speaker 1: get them to something that they want. It just doesn't work,
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  Speaker 1: and you get complients when you're watching, but once you're
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  Speaker 1: not watching, it just it's Beblum, and we've talked about
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  Speaker 1: this a lot in the pod. When you intervene in
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: your forse apologies, it doesn't teach anything except that your
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  Speaker 1: children should lie. So they're the biggest mistakes that we make.
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  Speaker 1: There's probably others, but they're the main ones. After break,
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  Speaker 1: let's talk about what to do, Amy, because we want
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  Speaker 1: to help you. We want to help every family with
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: these sibling squabbles are happening. That's next day with us.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: We're back. It's the Happy Families podcast. Siblings squabbles and rivalry.
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  Speaker 1: It is so much hardship for parents, just the low
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  Speaker 1: level annoyingness. I have one key theme and it ties
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  Speaker 1: in with Kylie what you're going to talk about, because
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  Speaker 1: this is your favorite thing to talk about when it
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  Speaker 1: comes to resolving these kinds of challenges, and that is
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  Speaker 1: that we need to do the teaching in peacetime, not wartime. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: you can't step in in the middle of the battle
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  Speaker 1: and say, oh, here's an opportunity for us to have
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  Speaker 1: a teaching moment. No child ever looks at you and says,
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  Speaker 1: stay right, let's do it. So, Kylie, where are you
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  Speaker 1: going with this?
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  Speaker 3: If you've been listening to us for a while. You
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  Speaker 3: will have heard this and it will not be new
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  Speaker 3: to you. But whenever there is any challenges, the more
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  Speaker 3: we can have our children buy in to the resolution,
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  Speaker 3: the better, and the best way that we can do
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  Speaker 3: that is by having those regular family connection moments, family meetings.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so this is this is another way of saying,
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  Speaker 1: facilitate rather than dictate, Rather than dictate, Yeah, facilitate, we've
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  Speaker 1: got a problem to solve kids.
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  Speaker 3: Let's see, so we've noticed that for the last week
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  Speaker 3: our kids are just bickering and they're just at each other.
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  Speaker 3: Nothing serious, but it's just ongoing. So we sit down,
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  Speaker 3: whatever day it is, and we say, hey, kids, notice
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  Speaker 3: that family doesn't feel great at the moment.
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  Speaker 1: Been a bit of tension.
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  Speaker 3: Anyone else has been a bit of bickering. What do
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  Speaker 3: you think is going on? They're each going to have
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  Speaker 3: their version of the story.
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  Speaker 1: The good thing about it, though, is if you do
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  Speaker 1: it in peace time, that wartime. Like, if you do
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  Speaker 1: it in wartime, you say, notice there's some tension here,
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  Speaker 1: what's going on? They're cann say she started it, he
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  Speaker 1: did it. But if you do it in peace time,
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  Speaker 1: you can say, notice it's going on and the kids like, yeah,
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  Speaker 1: we seem to just be really at each other a lot,
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  Speaker 1: Like they're less likely to point fingers and assign blame.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And as parents, you can also acknowledge the part
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  Speaker 3: that you've played in it as well. It's not there's
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  Speaker 3: no blame game here, right. And then the thing that
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  Speaker 3: I love about this opportunity because it is peaceful, is
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  Speaker 3: I want you to think about a time where our
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  Speaker 3: family felt amazing when it was just you did not
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  Speaker 3: want that moment to stop.
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  Speaker 1: What were we doing?
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  Speaker 3: What were we doing? How are we feeling? How are
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  Speaker 3: we treating each other? Oh? Okay, so how much of
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  Speaker 3: that have we been doing lately? And it's not about
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: the activity, it's about the feeling. How do we want
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  Speaker 3: our family to feel? So I haven't liked how we
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  Speaker 3: felt this week, but I would love to have more
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  Speaker 3: of that feeling that we've talked about, that we've acknowledged
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  Speaker 3: moving forward. What are some tangible things, practical things that
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  Speaker 3: we can do, each of us individually. What's one thing
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  Speaker 3: you're going to do Tommy, Yes, you know this week And.
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  Speaker 1: That's the critical that's the critical element. Let's work out
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  Speaker 1: the action plan. Because you can always say, oh, we
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  Speaker 1: want to be nice and we want to have a
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  Speaker 1: family that feels good, and then everyone walks away and
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  Speaker 1: nothing happens, nothing changes. But when you say, Okay, I'm
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: going to be kind by sharing my toys, or I'm
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: going to help out in the kitchen when I'm asked,
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  Speaker 1: or the kids come up with these ideas themselves, it's
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: like all right. And the research evidence shows that when
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  Speaker 1: you teach siblings social competencies, it improves the relationship quality,
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  Speaker 1: and parent mediation leads to more constructive child owned resolutions
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  Speaker 1: than parental adjudication. So that's what the research shows. You
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  Speaker 1: can step in and adjudicate and dictate, or you can
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  Speaker 1: step in and mediate and facilitate. But when you do
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  Speaker 1: that mediation, asking the questions and letting them find the solutions,
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  Speaker 1: like you've talked about, Kylie, that's where you start to
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  Speaker 1: have the win.
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  Speaker 3: But the real wins actually come when you come together
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  Speaker 3: again next week and you celebrate the wins and you
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  Speaker 3: create space for accountability. Hey, we talked about last week
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  Speaker 3: we were going to make some changes. Tommy, how did
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  Speaker 3: you go?
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: You know?
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  Speaker 3: How did you notice things changed this week as a
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: result of you doing your things? Sometimes the answer is
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: going to be, you know what, mum, I actually didn't
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  Speaker 3: do a very good job. I could do better. We've
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: had plenty of conversations.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: With our kids like that, but that's accountability.
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  Speaker 3: There's no punishment and there's no anger or frustration.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks for your honest thing. Yeah, what are we going
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  Speaker 1: to do this week too?
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so let's move forward. How do we build on
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: the small success that we've had. There's so much power
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  Speaker 3: in coming together and helping your children, facilitating a space
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: where they can come up with the solutions themselves.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: Amy, you're not going to end it. The reality is
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: you're just not going to end it. It's pretty rare
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: that you come across families where everyone says, you know what,
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: we all get along all the time. It's kind of
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  Speaker 1: not real. But what you can do is have these
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  Speaker 1: conversations where the kids identify the values that are important
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  Speaker 1: to you, and once they've identified that, they'll start to
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  Speaker 1: regulate themselves because they'll integrate it, which means that all
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: you're really doing now is teaching these social skills, these
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: regulation skills, and when things go wrong, you're teaching repair skills,
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: which leads to a much happier more respectful home environment.
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  Speaker 3: There was one other thing that I thought was really important.
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  Speaker 3: I remember you telling me a story where you were
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: in a situation where you're working with someone and you
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  Speaker 3: just did not get on with this person at all,
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  Speaker 3: and you went to your boss, and your boss you
• 12:01
  Speaker 3: were ready to tell them you just I can't do
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  Speaker 3: it anymore, I can't work with this person. Before you
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  Speaker 3: even got out how you were feeling, your boss wanted
• 12:09
  Speaker 3: to commend you on the work that you were doing
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: with your colleague because he personally had told your boss
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: that he had never been so happy.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he enjoyed working with me more than anybody ever
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: worked with And.
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  Speaker 3: In that moment, you swallowed everything that you wanted to
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  Speaker 3: say and you walked out.
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  Speaker 1: I thought about two centatys tall, I mean, here to complain.
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  Speaker 3: And so when I think about that and I think
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: about our kids, there's these beautiful opportunities for us to
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: have these one on ones where we build our children
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  Speaker 3: up and we acknowledge the moments where we've seen that
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  Speaker 3: they've done something you know, beautiful with their sister, or
• 12:42
  Speaker 3: where they've noticed the way their sister has treated them.
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  Speaker 3: I think it's really important for us to help kids
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  Speaker 3: recognize things because sometimes we just see the bad. Yep,
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  Speaker 3: we we're so focused on I can't believe she did that.
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  Speaker 3: But if you remind them, remember when Sarah did this
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  Speaker 3: the other day with you. How cool was that?
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  Speaker 1: Amy. We really hope that there's some ideas in here
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: that will be helpful. There's also a whole chapter about
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: it in my book Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: and we haven't even touched on and a tenth of
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: what's in that chapter, so you might want to check
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: that out as well. That's the Happy Families Podcaster Today,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: audio production by Justin Roland for Bridge Media Admin and
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: other support from Mimhammond's. For more info about making your
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: family happier, visit happyfamilies dot com dot au