Latest / Jess Ask / Exposing Mental Illness: A Response to “Where is Wendy Williams” | FT. Sedrick LaJuan | EP47

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Exposing Mental Illness: A Response to “Where is Wendy Williams” | FT. Sedrick LaJuan | EP47 · Jess Ask

0:06
Hey, it's your girl, jess You've just entered a safe space for Kingdom
0:11
entrepreneurs and creatives to decompress, have fun. And yeah, you've guessed it
0:17
a safe place to just ask. Before we get into it, be sure
0:21
to subscribe and download the podcast follow me on all platforms at the Jessica S.
0:28
Smith and invital Friend. Also make sure you DM me your feedback and
0:36
questions so we can keep the conversation going. Now, let's get into this
0:41
week's episode. Okay, take two. Sorry, y'all. Sorry, we
0:50
are laughing right now because Desert Ray and her antis she is. When I
0:59
tell y'all, working with Desilray is a it's like going on the Discovery Channel
1:04
and learning something new. Everything he me, because that girl is funny.
1:08
But welcome, Welcome, welcome. You have made it to this week's episode
1:12
of Just Ask, the podcast where we create safe spaces for influencers to decompress,
1:19
have fun and just ask. You's a girl, Jessica, and I'm
1:22
so excited about this week's episode because I'm I will say, I'm passionate about
1:29
it. There is some emotional connection to it. But I'm also excited because
1:34
I have my friend, my one of my newest friends, that Cedric Lewan
1:41
in the building. I call him, say, you know, telling people
1:48
what you saw in the carter day. Don't look a little hispanic, but
2:01
from Birmingham, Birmingham, NA the east side. Now, don't come on
2:07
here talking like that. Don't start that. No, no east side,
2:10
west side beef. Listen, I'm on this side of the couch, he
2:14
said, ain't none. We do love each other. Let me tell you
2:21
something. If you didn't know, Birmingham has the best wings, hands down
2:25
line say they don't. No questions. I mean, I want you to
2:30
lie. I want you to I want you to lie and say that the
2:34
limon pepper, six piece of lemon pepper. Oh my mouth is watering right
2:38
now. I can't even say six piece of limon pepper wings with the Cajun
2:44
wrench fries and a large key keeper out of here. I'll give me a
2:50
ten piece all the way from the from the front, the brown bead from
2:53
the green acles, green acres. Okay, I can get with you on
2:55
that. You got it all the way with the ketchup and hot sauce,
2:59
and okay, bitch, shout out the green apleas wing's plus is my place
3:02
I go. I go to the Wings Plus in Midfield. That's where you
3:07
get your good wings. They and they real wings. I can't stand wing
3:09
places. They have the wings as big as my pinky. Like I can't
3:14
say that, but shout out to the west side, which is the bed
3:16
side. I mean, I mean, it is what it is. But
3:23
this is my friend, said you guys, and I'm super excited for him.
3:27
If you don't know him, he is in a fashion a fashion uh
3:31
not designer yet I almost said designer. But he's a stylist, a content
3:37
creator here local in Birmingham, and he's running his own stores. So I'm
3:40
not gonna tell y'all whate he works. All y'all want to be looking for
3:43
him, so y'all won't be looking for him. So he came along with
3:49
like, we're hanging out today, and I was like talking about we're gonna
3:53
be talking about today A subject that is I didn't know if I was gonna
3:58
ever bring it up up, yeah, because it's such a sensitive subject.
4:03
But I feel like now it's a perfect time because I was watching that Wendy
4:11
Williams things Lifetime Team, I think, and I don't really have time to
4:15
watch TV. But I was decompressing, and after I was had cleaned up
4:19
on a Friday night, and I watched it because everybody's been talking about it,
4:24
or have been talking about it. I see multiple clips and just so
4:28
happened. I turned in turned on the TV and it was on, and
4:32
it disturbed me a lot of people are saying that it disturbed them for multiple
4:40
reasons, but it's disturbed me because if I felt what was going on,
4:49
I felthy, did you watch it? Did you watch the whole thing?
4:55
You did? Okay, So before I even started, before we even get
5:00
into that, I want you to kind of explain it, because I didn't.
5:03
I could only watch fifteen minutes. I think it was the I caught
5:08
the second episode of it, and I witnessed, you know, the whole
5:15
car thing, the cigarette thing, her wanting to go to, having them
5:19
driving in circles. I saw the part where you know, Kevin and her
5:25
son was blamed for taking money. I saw those parts, and I just
5:30
it's certain. I think I probably watched fifteen, no more than twenty minutes
5:34
of that of that show, particular show in mind, I was uncomfortable.
5:41
I was uncomfortable because it was just too it was too much. You can
5:45
clearly tell that she's ill, very much, so very much so ill throughout
5:48
the entire documentary. She has a way she's on up and down, up
5:53
and down. And there are clearly people that surrounding her that genuinely do love
6:00
her, i e. Her family, her son and her niece. And
6:02
do you have people the publicist and the manager, in my opinion that really
6:08
did not have Wendy's best interest at heart. It looks like they wanted to
6:13
work just so they can still be employed. Yeah, if that makes sense.
6:15
No, that makes a whole bunch of sense because I think the it's
6:18
the girl, the young lady, she's the publicist. So I saw a
6:23
part she just met Wendy. That's a problem. And so that it also
6:28
makes a little bit more sense. And let me make something clear. It
6:32
just as the podcast, we do not do the whole popular topics things.
6:36
This is big the Wendy Williams showing of her, this documentary or docuseries,
6:43
whatever you want to call it, it exposes a level of mental health to
6:47
people that anybody. I want you all to understand that anybody can go through
6:53
these mental hardships and be mentally ill, and people pacify it for years.
7:01
People pacify for years, and you try to keep it private, and then
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once it exposed, everybody like, oh my gosh, we didn't know.
7:09
You didn't know because you didn't want to. You cause your eyes to it,
7:13
you close your eyes to it. So the young lady, I don't
7:16
know her name, her publicist, a new person. The fact that she's
7:20
saying that, oh, that's just Wendy, No, ma'am, No,
7:25
ma'am, that's that's not even regular. How can you say that's just winning
7:30
where you don't even know Wendy exactly. You're going by what we see on
7:33
television or what they saw on the radio, X Y and Z. But
7:38
you don't know this woman that you're working. She literally cursed her out in
7:41
the first episode severely. So what it looks like, and this is just
7:51
I guess going off of experience, what it looks like is that she was
7:58
manic, that she was having a manic episode, manic episodes. That it's
8:07
almost like a going up a mountain. If you picture yourself going up a
8:13
mountain, and many episodes they gradually start below on that mountain and as you
8:22
keep climbing that mountain, there's a peak, and I if she wasn't at
8:28
the peak, I would hate to see what it was of her mania.
8:31
And once they started following, Once the mania comes off, that's when the
8:37
depression, the anxiety, sleeping, long winds of hour. She ain't drinking
8:41
just to drink. She's drinking because she's probably not sleeping, she's losing her
8:46
mind. Which and they were not paying attention because the episode that I was
8:50
watching, they were so full of they were at the table. They were
8:56
at the table expressing. You know, she was expressing and saying. She
9:03
was like, I want to be seen, I want friends. I don't
9:05
have any friends. When she was all over the place where her communication.
9:11
That's why she loved fame so much, because she wants to be recognized and
9:16
noticed. So when her time alone in her bedroom, because that's what she
9:20
was, that's what a depression kicked in because it's all she had was those
9:24
four walls and that's all you see, which can be very much so depressing.
9:28
Oh, most definitely that it's a chemical imbalance. I'm not a professional,
9:35
but that's what it's called. But it's a chemical imbalance. And what
9:41
happens when you don't have the proper people around you. We talked about it
9:45
earlier about being around family. Like being around family, especially these type of
9:52
times is so important because people that unless they just God send like desiree.
10:00
I don't think that the Desiree would let me just fly off the wheel and
10:03
just be like, okay, you you good, Yeah, we can keep
10:07
going. Just ass No, she would shut it down. I believe it.
10:13
I believe that's a ray would say, Jessica, you're not okay.
10:16
Oh. She probably wouldn't say that, because you really can't say that to
10:20
people that are in a manic state. You really have to rationalize with them,
10:24
or you know, I don't know, use Holy Spirit because that's the
10:28
only thing that's helped me personally. And when I say personally, I've experienced
10:33
it. My grandfather, you know, I believe that. I don't think
10:37
he was diagnosed, but I think my grandfather had some level of schizophrenia,
10:39
bipolar everything. I'm trying to make it normal for us to talk about this.
10:46
And so the reason why I Tita tottered around it is because in my
10:50
bloodline there have been manic episodes, there has been mental illness there. I
10:58
must speak about I've experienced depression. I was just to Prince this time last
11:03
year. For months, I've experienced depression. I experienced anxiety. Does a
11:09
ray experience my there's a ray? I love you? Oh my god,
11:16
my anxiety. Let me stop saying the anxiety that I experienced. It can
11:22
go it can go high, real queen, and you gotta love me because
11:28
you'll think I'm popping off on you or you'll think that, and it's not
11:33
all is that? Have you ever had experience you don't struggle with depression and
11:37
anxiety? Oh? Really? And so there are times when I feel amazing.
11:43
I'm just I'm off the while things like that. However, there are
11:46
days when I just feel extremely low, like very low. But sometimes it's
11:52
going I just I'm faking it. I'm faking it. Even last night,
11:56
I take me up here. I can't go to sleep just so I can
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rest because it's like, oh my gosh, ten thousand times a minute,
12:05
Like, how do you how do you explain that that people are like when
12:09
you're going through that, Like, how do you explain what you're going through?
12:13
Is it easy? Have you ever explained it? How do you learn
12:16
to get through that process? So honestly, I explain this to the people
12:18
that I'm close to so that you can understand, Hey, this is really
12:22
not This is me in the moment, given my space. But if it
12:26
gets if it gets dramatic, then get help or really come and just see
12:31
about me, like let me know that you're available to me, and then
12:35
I'll click back again. But and sometimes in some moments it's like, I
12:39
don't I feel like the world is against me. What goes through your mind
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when you're thinking like this, I've done everything wrong. Wow, everything is
12:50
wrong. I feel this person, that person I feel myself. I think
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that's what really upsets me the most, when I think about everything that I
12:58
should have done for myself and I have not done it. Oh my gosh,
13:03
you just gave me chills, like the disappointment of sel and like where
13:07
we imagine ourselves to be, like how we digest it is so real,
13:15
Like it's so real. And so when you've been in those moments, like
13:20
I guess, because for one, you gotta know that it is depression.
13:26
So at what point did you realize that you battled with that? Because I
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think I was, I was grown, I was working for I was working
13:35
for Enterprise in Pensacola, and it hit me hard, and I didn't know
13:41
I had experienced those feelings before, but I didn't have a word for it.
13:46
So to be honest, and X told me that I struggled with anxiety
13:50
due to me speaking and things like that. The way I would move sometimes
13:54
I would be like, all over the place, I would bounce ofuth the
13:56
wild, or I would like things would moving all the kind of way I
13:58
was type a lot things that's just out of the normal to a regular person.
14:03
So that, okay, Ansidy, that's what this is. I knew
14:05
I always struggle with that with depression. After that relationship, that's when I
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realized, Okay, this is depressing, and I always struggle with that,
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especially when I struggle with my identity. That was depressing enough, but then
14:18
growing into my adulthood and that relationship with things like that, that's when I
14:22
went into the ultimate depression. I was upset with work, I was upset
14:28
with God, I was upset with parents, I was set with myself.
14:30
I was upset with everything that was going around me. It's like I didn't
14:33
even want to just I didn't want to be bothered. I'm not gonna say
14:35
I didn't want to live. However, there were days when I just said
14:37
want to be available. Oh oh you just said, Oh my God,
14:46
said you just said something so powerful. You said, it's not that I
14:48
did not want to live, I did not want to be available. That
14:54
is so powerful because you think it's so easy to be available for people,
14:58
but even just up for yourself as hard they're Sometimes it's getting out the bed
15:05
and saying, Cedric, just go brush your teeth, take a bath.
15:09
Things like that would be so extremely traumatic, Like I just want to just
15:13
sit and soak, and then sometimes a lightbulb with just clicking that. There
15:20
are days when I'm very strong and I can just be like, hey,
15:22
get it together. But some days I just I just can't. Yeah,
15:26
I just can't. I have to have an extreme push. So when we
15:30
talk about these seasons of depression anxiety, I mean because anxiety couldn't come in
15:35
a lot of ways, like and what's interesting is a lot of people like
15:39
Wendy that are are on this high profile level it are coming out with these
15:46
mental illnesses, coming out saying that they've experienced depression anxiety on these major levels,
15:50
Like this is not no little depression or a little anxiety like these traumatic
15:54
experiences. I'm going to ask you this, how long was your longest experience
16:00
and what tools did you use to get out of it. I'm still going
16:04
through it, that's real. There are still days when I don't want to
16:10
be bothered. It's not as intense as it used to be because now I
16:15
write, I journal. What did I do sometimes? I when I sit
16:19
outside, I smoke hookah the way like things, I drank my wine.
16:30
I do things like really relax me and to bring me back into to realization.
16:34
I watch reality TV because it's not about me. I can focus on
16:37
my housewives and things like that to like really just take whatever I'm going through
16:42
out of it. And then I also, like I spend time with God
16:47
just being honest, like to really like God just released me from this.
16:52
So it's not as intense as it used to be. But there are days
16:55
at least maybe like once a week, where I just don't want to be
16:56
bothered. So your friend you brought you brought up your circle. I'm gonna
17:06
ask you this, and you okay with not answering this. Have you lost
17:08
friends due to this? So? What how did you manage that process?
17:15
Because I know I've had some stuff. So here's my thing. See,
17:18
I struggle with abandonment from my dad and which is another part of my depression.
17:23
So with my dad, mind you, now we're getting a relationship now.
17:27
So kudos to my dad for like coming back in my life and he's
17:30
trying to step up and do he's supposed to do. I't first name,
17:38
so shout out to you a Jr. But after thirty four years, like
17:41
after thirty years, he's coming back and around and we'd like we have a
17:45
connection now. So I'm very appreciative God and for him for that. But
17:49
when it comes to abandonment that people walking away from me, I always feel
17:53
like it's what did I do? So when they walked away from you when
17:56
I was going through depression, that even herd even worse because it's like I'm
18:02
really just having a moment like within my life when I need you, but
18:08
you don't understand, so you run away and you push me away for being
18:15
a bad friend when at times I ain't even know how to be a friend.
18:18
I can even be a friend to myself, so how can I befriend
18:22
you? Yeah, I don't know how to be the perfect son, I
18:26
was having issues with my mom. I couldn't be the perfect church member.
18:30
I couldn't be the perfect to anything to anybody except for myself, and I
18:33
couldn't even do it for myself in that moment. So how can I support
18:37
you? Now? That's real? And I think that because I think it.
18:41
Something that you and I have in coming is that we love to love
18:45
on people like we love and we enjoy people just in general. You know
18:49
what I'm saying. So it's not like you're purposely wanting to isolate yourself,
18:52
but it's also for me. I can say that I'm embarrassed that I'm in
18:57
a state like I'm truly embarrassed that I'm having that moment, like I'm I
19:03
feel weak, and I don't. I don't like feeling weak. But I'm
19:10
grateful that I have become a little more courageous and communicating. Hey, I'm
19:18
it's this, ain't it? I'm not okay? I feel it. I
19:22
feel it coming. I can't shake it when I when I go off the
19:26
mail, like when I get real quiet. At this point, it's certain
19:30
people that know it's just you good and they start they pick start picking up
19:36
the phone even more because it's like, hey, I'm not even I'm not
19:38
even gonna play with you on this. I understand you gotta process this,
19:42
but you you gotta get up every day no matter until I get up.
19:48
They on me, They on me like white on rights. But I remember
19:51
a time I'll tell this story. I remember a time where I post college
19:56
where I didn't know I was depressed, and because I I didn't know I
20:00
was depressed, and I got quiet and isolated myself. Right I'm in my
20:06
room, not talking to people or whatever I got or I received some pushback
20:15
from friends, and that I was surprised about because I'm like, you know,
20:25
I don't know what's going on with me, and I'm I mean,
20:29
you said, you haven't thought about hurting yourself, but I have. I've
20:36
thought about harming myself, right, I've thought about not being here anymore,
20:44
that it would be better off. It's been a while since I've had a
20:48
thought. But in that moment post college, I had that thought and only
20:57
one of them knew, and I didn't have the energy to keep repeating myself
21:07
right. And when the when the second person found out, she went ham
21:14
like, she was like, uh uh no, we need to you know,
21:18
basically like love on you, like she just was overly loving at that
21:22
point because and and and what I learned I continuously learned is what people don't
21:29
know, they don't know. That's true. So let me this, did
21:32
you like receive that? Because I know sometimes when people are trying to force
21:36
themselves to love you, it's hard to take that in and you still don't
21:40
want that. That's a good question. So you see it's about to be
21:44
said, ask and I just come so at the moment, No, it's
21:59
hard to receive. It's hard to receive love. It is when you're not
22:03
healed. And so I think it's important to note and recognize that when you're
22:08
unhealed, you don't have room for love because every all the baggage and all
22:12
the gunk and all the men were still in the way. And so you're
22:18
thinking about all these things, and you're playing the worst case scenario because that's
22:23
what you believe. If I'm honest with myself, I believe those things which
22:29
made me fall deeper into depression because I couldn't see anything else. And so
22:37
the one the friends that are that are willing to learn me, like Desiree,
22:42
I keep bringing desiree up because I literally just two days ago, I
22:48
literally called her and I was I was talking about something on the show.
22:53
I was like, I do not like this. This is not I'm not
22:57
dealing with this. She was like, well, let's just make a decision.
23:03
I was like, no, because this is the other thing. I
23:04
mean. I'm like, I'm not raising my voice or her if I did
23:07
iologist, but I kind of got elevated. So at this point, like
23:14
I'm trying to I know, I'm I know that I'm getting anxious. I'm
23:18
trying to calm myself down, but I'm thankful that there's a race. Like
23:25
she kept the same tone, like she was like, because she understands that
23:30
I battle with this. She understands that I have a If I want something,
23:36
I want it, and until I calm down, I can't Sometimes I
23:41
can't see her side. I can't see it, like not because I don't
23:45
want to see her side, because I can't digest it in the moment,
23:48
because all I can feel is this anxiety and it's a lot of pressure.
23:52
And so she was like, well, just let me know if we make
23:55
the decisions. I got the phone with her and she gave this is wat's
24:00
just it's called grace. She gave me the grace. Not even just the
24:07
grace, she gave me what I asked for. I'm not saying that you
24:11
should always bend over backwards of people, but her willingness to work with me
24:15
in that moment, she gave me what I asked for. And then I
24:18
responded to her. I was like, you know, it's good, we
24:19
can go with it, and she was like Jesus, was whoa hold up?
24:30
Pineapples? Because I know I probably stressed her out. I mean,
24:33
yeah, I was really stressed. I was stressed, not like stressed like
24:36
oh my gods, like I knew and I knew the magnitude of what you
24:40
were feeling and why right. But my thing was, okay, we can't
24:45
change it. Yeah right, so what can we do moving forward? So
24:48
I just presented, Hey, we can do this, we can do this,
24:51
we can do this at this moment. You got to make the decision.
24:53
She put it on me, but she did it gracefully. And I
24:57
told her, I don't know, because none of this sounds good. I
25:03
said all that literally, I'm literally telling her none of this sounds good.
25:07
All of its trash like and I'm telling her and I'm even seeing myself.
25:11
I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't want to hurt her feelings.
25:14
I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this because she
25:17
works hard on the part of the show that she took responsibility of. She's
25:22
taking responsibility of this part, and I'm like, I don't want to come
25:27
off on grateful. You know what I'm saying. This is my teammate,
25:30
this is my partner. And so it has that been a time where you
25:34
like, you're literally in the moment, but you also in your head trying
25:37
to pull yourself out of it. Does that make sense? Oh yeah,
25:40
I do that at work all the time. Oh wow, with my team
25:42
members all the time. But they know me and they understand me. They
25:48
get it. Did you have to be honest with him about all of my
25:52
leaders? Okay, guys, so let me be transparent with you. I
25:55
struggle with this and I struggle with that. So there are times when I
25:59
may over read for please don't take it personal, pull me to the side.
26:03
And on those days when I know for affect I'm having to day,
26:06
I sit in my office. I never take it to the floor because I
26:08
don't want anybody to under to embark on that journey with me. Wow,
26:15
let me do this right now on my own. How do you know when
26:19
to do it on your own and to allow people in? Though, like,
26:22
how do you gauge that? Well, I'll never give it to my
26:25
team members because it's not that. But but when it comes to like my
26:30
friends, I have some very some very good friends, Like they will come
26:33
and knock on my door and let themselves in. They got kids. Well,
26:40
two of my friends have the Wow, my mom has came to my
26:44
house and I went to her house on one point of occasion I'm talking about
26:48
just boohoo crying like I was having a very rough moment that it was in
26:52
the middle of the night, just tears, and my mom sat on the
26:57
on the on the couch next to me while I cried, and I let
27:00
that that one of those nights, it was like a night where I released
27:03
everything how I felt about, I heard things, I went through, gowing
27:07
up all that kind of stuff. That was a traumatic night. And when
27:11
I got done talking, you said, Okay, lay there and we'll talk
27:14
about it in the morning. The power of parental love is real. The
27:22
time I was in Pensacola, right, I didn't know what was going on
27:26
with me. I didn't like, I didn't even know that anything was going
27:30
on over me. But I know, I just kept profusely crying. I
27:33
felt like I just couldn't do it anymore, Like I just I couldn't.
27:37
Everything hurt, that's good. Everything hurt, like breathing hurt. Literally,
27:45
like everything hurts so bad. And it made it worse because I was in
27:52
a place where I was by myself. I didn't know anybody in Pensacola,
27:56
like not a soul in pil Color. And I remember it was a day
28:03
my dad, I guess, I don't know if he hit a fiddle point,
28:07
but he rearranged his schedule and he came and stayed with me for two
28:14
days, like literally drove down and just stayed with me for two days.
28:19
And he and they were trying to make sure I went to the doctor.
28:22
They was like, so I could get some medicine. That's how I know
28:26
that the medicine. I do not like the medicine. It makes me jittery,
28:30
jittery, It made me like a zombie. It gives you a headache.
28:36
Make sure you check those sides of it, please do, please do,
28:41
because that it was. And then I went to a doctor like at
28:45
that point, I went to a doctor like the Marging Care, emergency care,
28:52
a place or whatever, and of course they do what they can do.
28:56
They asked me all on a scale of one to ten, Like that's
28:59
not realistic. And so having a team that's prepared, i e. Not
29:03
just your support system, but therapy, therapy, therapy, counseling is real,
29:08
like they they can help you through it. Like you have to be
29:11
proactive and you can't just go to counseling. You have to actually listen and
29:15
do the work. You have to do the work that you're a counselor or
29:19
your therapist or whatever you choose to go to. I don't want to say
29:22
that the same thing are the same thing, Well they have same Yeah,
29:29
I would say they were the same thing pretty much. And then also not
29:32
knocking out pastors, however, sometimes they're not certified to do that. That's
29:37
why I love you've seen that tea shirt that says I love Jesus and therapy
29:41
or I need Jesus and therapy, because it's real, they're not. You're
29:44
you're putting them in a position to nurture you and take care of you.
29:48
Where's somebody a professional? God made professionalists exactly, Like why would this profession
29:52
be here if we were supposed to use it, you know what I'm saying.
29:56
And so counseling for me. At one point, I didn't I want
30:00
to do counselor because when I went to counseling as a young girl, I
30:03
don't know if the lady liked my daddy or not, but she told all
30:07
the tea to my daddy. I'm like, I wish my daddy were ugly
30:11
on something, because I mean, all the women just be telling all my
30:14
business, my god, like, I have no secrets, noing whatsoever.
30:18
So that put a bad taste in my mouth with counseling. But now,
30:23
like just going through these different courses, going through different situations and actually seeing
30:30
the power of therapy, the power of counseling has really benefited me because now
30:36
I understand you got to have a self care plan, so you gotta try
30:38
new things to see what you like, to see what works for you outside
30:42
of the alcohol, outside of because baby oh, I was an alcoholic.
30:48
At one point I had to I had to tell myself, no, you
30:52
cannot drink this while you you can't smoke, you can't drink because it gets
30:56
real because you just want to feel, you want to numb the pass.
30:57
I just want to just sit here and just soak it, like Wendy Hm,
31:03
like when I tell you whine was my bit, not just wine.
31:07
I'm taking my tequila shots. I'm having me a cocktail every day. I
31:10
would leave from work and go straight and give me a drink so I can
31:12
go to sleep because I don't want to feel it, and you don't want
31:15
to think about it, and I don't want to think about it. You
31:18
don't want to think about it. However, it was still roaming in my
31:19
dreams. Tell the Truth said, it's still there, Tell the Truth.
31:26
Everything is still playing out, and so I'm looking forward to you getting fully
31:30
out of this season. So what steps are you have you taken to progressively
31:38
to be honest? Maxine Water said something said reclaiming my time, okay,
31:44
and I do that. It's about me in this season. Everything that's going
31:48
on is about me. And it's not that I forgot about you, but
31:52
you're not priority right now, come on, right now, right now.
31:57
It's about me in this season. And so I'm one hundred percent healed.
32:02
I can't give myself to nobody else, mother, father, sister, brother,
32:09
and nobody else can come before me in this moment unless you actually need
32:14
me for something and specific. But if it's going to take away from me
32:17
and my mental health journey, I can't support you. When did you?
32:22
When were you able to say no? Come on now to be I've always
32:31
been somebody that can say no. But I'm understand a people of person,
32:37
so I would say yes a lot. But when it started to like really
32:40
a fit, my okay, I just I'm just stretching myself too thin.
32:44
And then when I was really just going through so like around COVID twenty twenty
32:49
things like that, I was able to say no and forget about it.
32:54
Still depressed sometimes, but like I would even say no and be like,
32:58
Okay, wipe my hand, I'm good. You really know the people that
33:02
are called to you in those moments too, when they can manage that part
33:07
of you. And when I say manage, I think that they don't use
33:15
those seasons against you, that they can really see the real you even in
33:23
the midst of that, Like think about this with serving and this is for
33:31
the church people directly. I want to. I want to. I want
33:35
to. This is for and not just church people, for people that say
33:37
they believe in God, right, people that are called you know, they
33:39
say they are a Christian, that walk by faith and are believers, believers
33:47
when you gotta you gotta get up and you serving, and you praying,
33:52
and in my my inner season, seating for people, you getting on on
33:58
platforms and put this shit through like literally, like you don't even That's how
34:05
I knew. I knew God was real when I still had to walk in
34:08
my assignment. You said something. I still had to walk in my assignment.
34:13
I still had to show up to just ask the podcast. I still
34:17
had to had to show up for work, right, I still had to
34:22
show up, but I didn't want to show up. How can I pray
34:27
for people when I can't even see the blessing for myself? How can I
34:30
pray for people and push people when I can't even do it? But I'm
34:34
gonna tell you, the same thing that was hard to do was needed to
34:37
do. It got me through that. It literally if I couldn't die because
34:44
I knew the assignment was too great, it was too heavy. It's it's
34:49
like, I can't lay here too long. That's why you get to choose
34:53
yourself, because you like, I gotta get out of these because I know
34:57
I'm needed, and I know I need me. I need me first,
35:02
and so it's just like people that don't understand, even like when we go
35:08
back to the Wendy Williams, it's so important to have a tribe. And
35:15
this is what I'm wondering. I'm wondering if Wendy knew and late and kept
35:21
it dormant, because that just don't come overnight, not that level of mania,
35:29
that just don't come overnight. I wonder if she knew that she knows
35:34
something's up in her same mind, not in her same mind knows that something's
35:38
up and just unwilling to accept it, accept it and be honest about it.
35:46
Because what happens is once we don't understand or for my holy than thy
35:54
folks, it's accepting that it's happening because supposed to be like, oh,
36:00
well, you don't claim it. I don't want to hear that. I
36:04
do not want to hear that, because at the end of the day,
36:07
it's real, and you cannot tell me that you you are willing to see
36:12
hearing freeaking tonges in my face. Tongues is not it's not binding this.
36:19
I need prayer and prescription like some of us need prayer and prescription because there's
36:27
a chemical imbalance that is happening. It's no different from you having high blood
36:32
pressure and you gonna pop them pills. You pop them faithfully. Oh you
36:38
know, I got sugar speaking tongues over that said, speaking tongues over the
36:45
sugar diabetes that you experienced just because you got faith work. It speaks on
36:50
that you can have faith, you can say this and that, but you
36:54
gotta work for it too. You do, you do? And I'm like,
37:00
with this whole winding situation, I wonder if that she avoided it.
37:06
I know it's I can only imagine for that level of mania or whatever specifically
37:12
is going on her. It's embarrassing, it's frustrating. It's like, I'm
37:15
this high profile woman, How can I deal with this? Like you're thinking
37:21
all of these things when it's just people around you that just want to love
37:23
you through it. They just want to keep you and protect you through it.
37:29
But now you got to like I could tell because she was so defensive,
37:32
she was cussing folks out one minute, loving one one minute, not
37:37
the next, apologizing one minute, not the next, sweet one minute,
37:39
not the next. That is a chemical imbalance. And when people when you're
37:46
not honest with people, that that's something that happens to you, you lose
37:52
relationships unnecessarily. You know that, it's really really common within our culture to
38:00
as black people, it's very common for us to not want to accept that
38:06
the things are actually happening. Yeah, because if you don't, if you
38:08
don't accept it, that means it's gonna go away. I'm gonna disappear,
38:14
Like what kind of what kind of voodoo miss that is? It ain't real
38:19
because our grandparents prayed about it, listen, and kept it in secret and
38:23
kept it in secret. That's another podcast. Listen, listen. They prayed
38:30
about it and then kept it a secret. But when the when the borer
38:36
does say, confess one into another and there's freedom. That's not just about
38:39
doing something wrong, it's about what you're going through. Like I'm literally going
38:44
through things that I can only talk to desil Ray about and she she has
38:47
kept me through this. You get what I'm saying, Like, there's certain
38:51
things that I ain't got to go and tell everybody else, but somebody need
38:53
to know. Somebody didn't know how to manage it. I've talked, I
38:58
talked to my family. I talked to my sister all the time, and
39:00
we and we have these very candid conversations. We said, Hey, if
39:04
I'm going left, I need you. You got full permission to do X,
39:07
Y and Z. If I if you go left, let me know
39:09
what you want to do. Because it has, it has shown up its
39:14
head. It has shown its head in my family so much that we got
39:16
to be prepared for at any moment, at any moment, not to say,
39:22
oh, well you just want the money. No, I want to
39:24
be real, saying people be all here, let's be real. If I'm
39:31
seeing it, why would I ignore it? That's ignorance right myself, Like
39:37
I don't, I don't understand it. So I'm grateful for one that you
39:40
would. Even what you said earlier, man was so powerful about Hey,
39:47
I'm still going through it now. That's strong, and I'm proud of you.
39:52
That's that's real strong. And I'm so proud of you because I know
39:59
how is to reveal in the moment. This is actually the first time I've
40:06
ever really spoke about depression and anxiety, like publicly, I tell people here
40:10
and there, you know, and say X, Y and Z, but
40:15
me actually putting this like on the actual platform, because to me, sometimes
40:19
I feel upset or defeated because I do struggle with it because I come across
40:24
as very strong and things like that, which I am a strong I'm a
40:28
strong man, like very much. Oh shutless said that, but this is
40:36
a part of the anxiety. We just thought. But yeah, I know
40:42
I'm strong, but sometimes I do I do get weak and I just want
40:45
to be loved on. Ooh, that is so Listen saying you're over here
40:52
speaking real good. The truth will set you for Sometimes we don't know how
40:55
to express that we want to be loved on because we don't know how something.
41:06
I just want you to just be present. Don't say nothing, Just
41:09
be present. I know you in the room. That's so good. I
41:14
know you're there, or I know you're just a phone call away, or
41:16
if I just call you and I'm just going off, just listen m hm.
41:22
Who don't say nothing, Just listen because you might respond in the wrong
41:27
way and it will take me somewhere else. So for those that are listening
41:31
to this and don't really fully understand the the need for somebody that deals with
41:40
mental health, that are that are you know, exposed to this, that
41:45
they are, they are a participant because they are trying to help. What
41:49
is something that you you would leave with them to help them help their loved
41:54
one through this process. Because I think that's if we end anywhere, if
41:59
we land a plane anywhere, I think it's healthy to land it here.
42:02
Because speaking of Wendy, my heart goes out to Kevin. I'm praying for
42:07
you. I understand and I know that this is a battle that you didn't
42:17
ask for, but God has equipped you to manage it. And so all
42:22
the hell that you might be going through now, know that God is going
42:25
to keep you. God is going to reestablish. He's going to re establish
42:34
this thing. If you remain faithful, do not give up, because take
42:37
it from me, Please take it for me that you will. You will
42:43
see the other side of this thing and it will get better. And so
42:47
we kind of like do Like I said, I was landing on a final
42:50
thought, but I would love your final thought to be directed towards people like
42:54
Kevin that are in a supportive manner. What encouraging words would you leave for
43:00
them that are on the other side of this. I would definitely say that
43:07
it's okay to ride the journey with them, ride the journey with them,
43:13
be of support, but also you got to be understanding too. But it's
43:19
also okay to put yourself first and don't lose slight of yourself as well,
43:23
because if you try to put yourself in that position, they're gonna drag you
43:28
with them. Yeah that's good, that's so good. You're fall into a
43:32
depression too, so you have to be strong minded as well, and there
43:38
be fair everybody, not just depress some people. Yeah that's a good end
43:44
quote, but everybody. Okay, that's actually a good teacher. Put it
43:49
on the shirt. Put y'all. We just we weren't trying to have like
43:57
a leary conversation, but I think this conversation, I think we'll probably end
44:01
up having this conversation again. I'm probably going to bring a mental health professional
44:06
on because I think this is so important as seeing Wendy someone that literally does
44:14
something I'm entering in not just not just lose herself, but not reflect the
44:22
woman that we've seen has been challenging. It's been heartbreaking, but it has
44:31
made me aware that you need to be prepared and be proactive on your community
44:38
for if something were to happen. So come up with the plan, get
44:45
yourself care plan together. Okay, that's the best thing that you can do
44:51
for you. And so I want to leave you with that. I want
44:52
to thank you for joining said, thank you for showing up, thank you
44:57
for being on the platform. Remember that when we have, we do hastag
45:00
said, just ask. You already know who's coming, and so thank you
45:04
for lending us your ears. Thank you for lending us your time until next
45:08
time. Until next week, life will be much more simple if you just
45:14
ask. See you later. Hey, y'all, thank you for listening to
45:22
just ask. If you enjoyed this experience, be sure to like coming and
45:27
rate so others can find the show. If you'd like to stay connected with
45:30
me, feel free to follow me at the Jessica ed Smith on all platforms.
45:36
Again, I'm your girl, jess Until next time,