Latest / Dam Parenting / No Family Nearby: Finding People Who'll Speak Your Language to Your Child, with Mimi

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No Family Nearby: Finding People Who'll Speak Your Language to Your Child, with Mimi · Dam Parenting

• 0:03
  Welcome back to another episode of Down Parenting, the podcast
• 0:06
  for international families navigating parenthood here in
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  the Netherlands. I'm your host, Eva, and every
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  week I speak to the professionals you need to hear
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  from so you don't have to figure this out alone.
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  Today's episode is 1. I think sometimes we need to
• 0:18
  rehear or when it's ready to settle with us, when we're able
• 0:22
  to receive it. Because if you're raising a
• 0:24
  child in more than one language, and let's be honest, most of us
• 0:28
  are trying to do exactly that here, chances are you have been
• 0:31
  treating it as if it's your personal responsibility, your
• 0:35
  job, your thing to maintain, protect, sustain every single
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  day, and on top of everything else you're doing.
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  And maybe quietly or loudly, you've been wondering if you're
• 0:47
  doing enough. And we're back with our
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  wonderful linguist and multilingualist specialist Mimi,
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  whom, well, we all know. And if not, go ahead and check
• 0:56
  out all the other episodes we've been doing with her every month
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  since last May, when we started Season 2.
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  But today we wanted to talk about how language is not a solo
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  project, and it was never meant to be.
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  Languages live in relationships in our communities, in the space
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  well between people, not in one very, very tired parent trying
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  harder just to keep their head above the water.
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  Today we're talking about what it actually means to build a
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  multilingual village, and what that looks like when you're here
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  in the Netherlands without your family and best friends nearby.
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  And how to bring other people into your child's language
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  world. And the mindset shift that might
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  just take a significant weight off your shoulders.
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  Welcome back to Down Parenting, Mimi.
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  Hi. Hi, everyone.
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  Thank you so much for having me. Well, that felt like a bit of a
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  heavy intro, but it is a very important topic that we both
• 1:49
  have said like this is something we really have wanted to talk
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  about, but every episode is equally as important as the
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  next. So I'm glad we're finally here
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  able to do this. I want to start off with
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  something a lot of our parents here in our community are doing
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  quietly. It's where the two parents come
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  from, different cultures. Maybe they're the one English
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  speaking parent in a Dutch household and they feel
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  completely responsible for keeping that language alive and
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  their child. Is that actually a reasonable
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  thing to put on just one person? To answer your question
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  directly, no. However, this is something many
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  parents quietly believe. I'm just going to speak my
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  language and I don't really have much of A support, but that's
• 2:29
  OK. Often this happens because they
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  don't think they don't really have any other choices or they
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  believe it that they don't have a choice.
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  And very often this goes into a direction of, you know, if I
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  just try harder, if I'm more consistent, if I push more, if I
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  do more, if I somehow make them respond to me in this language.
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  But then again, I need to do more.
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  I need to do more and then it eventually it's going to work.
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  It's not because you cannot this exclusively on your own.
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  That's the truth. This is my honest answer.
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  Not in a sustainable way. You cannot be a one person show
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  no matter how you look at it. Language is not something that
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  can be built in isolation. It's not a solo project.
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  As you said before, languages live in relationships, they live
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  in interaction, they live in community.
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  And this really hit me during a workshop I gave recently.
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  The participants had a lot of questions.
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  We had a really long chat with everybody afterwards and one of
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  the main takeaways that they mentioned at the end is this.
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  I didn't realize how important community is and I think this
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  says it all. Pretty much sums it up.
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  So you mentioned there something that I think is very typical
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  when people are doing workshops, they're usually attending to
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  seek further knowledge to help empower them to be a better
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  parent or to be a better professional.
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  So you said there a lot of them didn't actually realize how
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  important community is. So why do you think that
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  actually surprises people? Well, let me start a little bit
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  further. At its core, language is about
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  connection. Our brains are primed for
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  language development, for developing fluency, multiple
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  languages. This is a truth, a scientific
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  truth. But we are social animals, so
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  our primary goal is connection is communication.
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  And language, it's one of our tools to fulfill those goals.
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  So we use language to connect children, develop language to
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  connect with other people. And language is not just
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  vocabulary or grammar, it's relationships, it's shared
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  experiences. It's all those inside jokes that
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  you have with the people you speak with emotional expression
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  and so on and so on. So when a child only uses a
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  language with one person, that language can start to feel
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  limited, like it's, you know, in a, in a family setting and a mom
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  or dad is trying to pass on a language and they're the only
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  speaker in the child's life. Eventually, with time, it can
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  and most probably will start to feel like something that this
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  parent is imposing on them. Like mom and dad want me to do
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  this. I don't know why I'm doing it,
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  but they want me to do. And this is too, too much
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  pressure. There is not as much meaning in
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  this, especially as the child grows older and they come into
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  their own personality and they start to explore and have a
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  bigger social circle and more interest.
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  And whatever mom is making me do doesn't always align with their
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  interests. If ever children start to see,
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  as I said, when they have a community or other people to
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  speak the language with, they start to understand slowly, OK,
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  this language is not just something that I speak with mom
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  or I speak with dad, or it's just truly something that I can
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  use with other people as well. You know, I can use it when I go
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  visit grandma and grandpa. I can use it when I go visit my
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  uncles, my cousins, my friends. And that's when a language
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  really starts to stick, when there is a community, because
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  the social aspect of language development is huge.
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  And for children, this is really especially true.
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  I love the idea of the multilingual village because a
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  lot of people already know it takes a village.
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  And we did have it as one of the very first episodes with Doctor
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  Naomi Gibson about having a village as a parent.
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  But what you're bringing here is the multilingual village.
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  But for a lot of our listeners who are in the Netherlands
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  without any family nearby, without any obvious community,
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  what does this actually look like?
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  Because I don't want to feel like one more impossible thing
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  really to add on to that list. Well, let me start with this.
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  It doesn't have to be anything grand, anything complicated,
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  anything crazy or big. It's a multilingual village is
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  simply a network of people and opportunities where your child
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  can experience the language, manage the language, develop
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  their language, just try out different things and they have
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  the opportunity to speak the language in a setting that is
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  interesting for them in Richmond, basically for their
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  language development. And the multilingual village can
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  include grandparents, extended family, even if they're not
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  close by like a lot of us have, lack of them close by over video
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  chat, cousins, babysitters, play groups, different sorts of
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  community events, trips to places where the language is
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  spoken, mom or dad groups with people who speak this language,
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  all things like this. So any sort of language exposure
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  and people who provide authentic language exposure for your
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  children can be considered part of your multilingual village.
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  It's basically it comes down to the fact of thinking about who
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  else can be a part of this language journey, who else can
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  support my child, provide exposure and so on.
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  Because again, you can't do this alone in the long run.
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  So this is where I think it's going to get real real for any
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  listener here, especially for myself.
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  What if you're someone with a minority language, as it would
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  be, that isn't widely represented here at all?
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  What if you don't have a community that already exists?
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  So you mentioned they're like grandparents.
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  What if the grandparents, they mightn't be around anymore?
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  What if the cousins are very different ages?
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  Or where there are no cousins? What if we can't find the
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  babysitters who speak our language?
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  What if there are no playgroups in our language, especially
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  where we're living? Because in Amsterdam, yes,
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  you'll have quite a lot of variety, but in other places
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  around the Netherlands we don't have that support always.
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  So what if we don't have a ready made community?
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  You have to be intentional about how you approach this.
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  And as I said before, it doesn't have to be anything grand or
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  anything big. If you don't have a playgroup,
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  maybe you can consider starting one.
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  And you can consider looking for people, be it on social media or
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  other people who speak the same language and are struggling with
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  similar issues, attending different kinds of events.
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  You know, this is also helpful because then you meet people and
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  you can be proactive and ask people, perhaps even organizing
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  meetups yourself. Sometimes it's about making
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  conscious choices because you know, I know people who have
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  moved locations. I'm not saying this is what
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  people should do, by no means. I'm just saying people have
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  different ways of coping with it.
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  And I'm being intentional because again, different people
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  do different things and are ready to do different things.
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  Definitely supporting A minority language requires
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  prioritization. Let me give you a personal
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  example. I don't really have a very big
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  Bulgarian community in Amsterdam.
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  I live just outside of Amsterdam.
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  I don't know anybody in the area, just one friend.
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  So I've been looking for different ways to connect with
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  the community. We have the heritage language
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  school in Amsterdam. There are some friendships
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  there. There are also there is a big
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  Bulgarian community in Eindhoven.
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  So when we see see that there are events, we take the trip of
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  an hour and a half plus and go there for the day and we turn it
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  into a day event. But it means something and it's
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  important. So we consciously decide to do
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  this. Those are things that, as I said
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  before, not everybody is open to doing everything and anything.
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  So you need to be clear how far you're willing to go, how much
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  you're willing to do, and you need to be intentional about
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  creating a community. And you mentioned there
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  something about outsourcing language support.
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  I kind of want to dig in because I think when parents hear that,
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  they will immediately think that must require money or perfect
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  circumstances. So can you actually talk about
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  what does it mean practically speaking?
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  Well, outsourcing language support is a really useful
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  strategy and it doesn't have to be complicated.
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  Again, we don't have to make things complicated.
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  You can just bring a language partner.
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  This is what I mean. And a language partner is
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  somebody who can help you support a particular language,
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  For example, a babysitter or a teenager who speaks this
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  language. If there is, for example, you
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  don't know anybody who lives close by, but maybe you can
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  reach to the heritage language school or to a language school
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  and you can see, oh, who's attending.
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  Maybe those families have all the children who are interested
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  in doing some babysitting. And when I say a teenager to
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  come and play or babysit, you don't need to go away, but you
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  can be in the other room doing something and your child can
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  play with this person. And they will be another
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  resource for language exposure for them, playing with them,
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  reading with them, just having another source of language
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  input, somebody who spends time with your child in this language
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  basically. And this really works well
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  because children love interacting with other children
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  or especially slightly older peers.
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  They get their full attention. And there's something very
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  special about this dynamic. So again, this is something we
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  need to be intentional about. And when you have somebody like
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  this that you can outsource your language, even if it's a
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  teenager, a babysitter, if it's a friend, a neighbor who speaks
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  this language, it's always great to explain why you want them to
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  support you on this journey, why you need their support, what
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  their job is, so to say. And if possible at all, don't
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  let your child know that this person speaks other languages,
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  because if your child is, for example, struggling a little
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  bit, they will default, let's say, to Dutch in our case, and
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  then they'll continue speaking Dutch.
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  And the idea is to practice the target language.
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  So let them know why they're there, what you need from them,
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  and tell them how to do it. If they struggle to come up with
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  ideas, give them some books, some toys, some games or some
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  activity ideas and let them spend time, even if it's just
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  going outside to the playground together.
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  Again, it doesn't have to be anything complicated, but it's
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  the interaction and it's the time spent together doing
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  something and playing and. Can you tell me what is it
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  actually about having multiple people that changes the child's
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  actual relationship with the language?
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  It's extremely useful and needed when a child experiences
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  languages with different people because as I said before, it
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  stops being just the parent language or the caregiver
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  language or whatever mom, dad or whatever is making me do.
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  And it slowly starts to become their language.
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  And this is one of my personal definitions of success, to have
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  the language become my child's language so they can mold it and
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  do with it what they want and how they want it.
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  Because when a child only uses a language with one person and
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  we're talking about the parent or caregiver I mentioned before,
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  it can and will with time, start to feel limited, almost like it
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  belongs only to this relationship and within this
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  dynamic rather than to them. But when the same language shows
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  up in different interactions, let's say with grandparents,
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  with babysitters, friends, community, even exchange
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  students at some point or do whatever works, it takes on a
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  very different role, multiple roles, and it becomes more
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  flexible, more relevant for them, and they can learn to be
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  themselves and experiment with this language more.
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  And one of the most important things, it becomes more
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  meaningful and needed because when they feel like there is a
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  need for the language, they will speak it.
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  Otherwise, if they don't see a need, they won't make the
• 15:03
  effort. And it creates an opportunity
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  also for real communication because people bring different
• 15:09
  energies, different topics, different ways of interacting,
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  and it pushes the child again to communicate in different ways
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  and make the language their own. You actually remind me of a
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  conversation we had last year at some stage where we were talking
• 15:23
  that if your child's with their grandmother of whatever
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  nationality, if the grandmother is talking to the child and if
• 15:30
  the child really wants that ice cream, the child's going to have
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  to be able to speak that language to the grandmother, be
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  able to say, yes, I would like an ice cream.
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  And so there's a certain context and drive that really can help
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  push the child. So I guess that's in existence
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  there. That's a very serious meaning
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  and need there for the child, isn't there?
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  It's. It's ice cream.
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  Absolutely, absolutely. It's super important and it's
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  relevant for their world. So if you could give parents one
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  mindset shift, like one thing that they could actually think
• 16:02
  about differently, I guess, when it comes to their children's
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  multilingualism or bilingualism, what would it?
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  Be You cannot be a one person. Show you're not the sole carrier
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  of the language and you're not supposed to be.
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  Because if it only depends on you, the system will become
• 16:20
  fragile with time. It will not be sustainable
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  because life doesn't stop when you have to develop your
• 16:26
  children's languages. You get tired, you get stressed,
• 16:30
  routines change, and so on and so on.
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  But when a language is supported by a village, it becomes much
• 16:36
  more resilient, much more sustainable, much more needed
• 16:40
  and meaningful. It has multiple entry points
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  into your child's life and this is something that it's super
• 16:48
  important. And with this, is there anything
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  you think out of all of this? Is there one thing you want
• 16:54
  really parents to be sure to take away from this?
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  Multilingual parenting or parenting multilingual children
• 17:00
  is not about doing more on your own.
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  It's not about piling more and more and more and then hoping
• 17:07
  that it's going to yield results eventually.
• 17:10
  It's one very important aspect of it is about bringing others
• 17:14
  in because as we said at the very beginning, language doesn't
• 17:19
  grow in isolation. Language grows and lives in
• 17:21
  relationships. Well, thank you, Mimi, again for
• 17:24
  joining us. And we give these episodes very
• 17:27
  short periods of time because it's quite impactful.
• 17:30
  And we want you to be able to sit with this.
• 17:32
  And we don't want something long and drawn out because then
• 17:35
  there's too much words, there's too much ideas.
• 17:37
  And so that's why we like to make these shorter episodes for
• 17:39
  you to be able to have a take away.
• 17:41
  So what I'm thinking about after this conversation is the phrase
• 17:44
  that she used is you are just one part of the puzzle.
• 17:48
  And because I think so many of us have arrived here in the
• 17:50
  quiet disbelief that our minority languages are our
• 17:54
  responsibility to carry. And I mean not just carry, but
• 17:58
  carry perfectly. Because we always try to be the
• 18:00
  perfect parent. And consistently and every
• 18:03
  single day, even when we're tired, even when the child is
• 18:05
  pushing back, even when it feels like we are the only ones who
• 18:10
  actually care about this. I guess what Mimi is giving me
• 18:13
  today, and I hope she's giving it to you today, is permission.
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  Permission to look around and ask who else can help me here,
• 18:21
  Who else could be part of this? And it's nothing to do with
• 18:23
  failing. It's because it's exactly how
• 18:26
  language is supposed to work. Mimi is available every single
• 18:30
  month on this podcast because language, as an international
• 18:33
  parent here in the Netherlands is God damn hard.
• 18:36
  I'm still struggling to find my Irish community for my daughter,
• 18:40
  but it really takes a village. And that village is not just
• 18:43
  about parenting motherhood, but it's also about language.
• 18:48
  If this episode resonated, the single most helpful thing you
• 18:51
  can do for this podcast is to share it with one person who
• 18:54
  needs it. It's just one DM That's it.
• 18:56
  That's how international parents in the Netherlands can find each
• 18:59
  other. Head on over to Instagram.
• 19:01
  If you're there, make sure you share.
• 19:03
  Click on the share, not just the like, but the share, and send it
• 19:07
  to someone who might need this as well.
• 19:09
  We all deserve a little help.