Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #820 7 People of Highly Effective Villages

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#820 7 People of Highly Effective Villages · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers. Now.
0:10
Speaker 2: When we got married, I would fly from Rockhampton to
0:14
Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person.
0:18
Speaker 2: I didn't feel like a number with him. He knew
0:21
Speaker 2: my family, he knew me, and he loved seeing me
0:24
Speaker 2: grow and progress.
0:26
Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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Speaker 1: and dad.
0:30
Speaker 3: So Kylie, today it's all about you. This is a
0:32
Speaker 3: topic that you thought would be great and we're going
0:34
Speaker 3: to dive straight into it. We're going to talk about
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Speaker 3: the seven or so people parents, assistance, people who are
0:41
Speaker 3: around that we need to have in our parenting village.
0:44
Speaker 3: And the reason this is all about you is because
0:47
Speaker 3: if there's one thing that you say a lot on
0:48
Speaker 3: this podcast, and you know this because you've been going
0:50
Speaker 3: back through all of our old podcasts and listening to them,
0:53
Speaker 3: it's that it takes a village. So I'm excited to
0:59
Speaker 3: dive into this. I mean, we're going to be talking
1:00
Speaker 3: about the butcher, the baker, the countlestick maker. Who is
1:03
Speaker 3: it that we need when mum is down for the
1:06
Speaker 3: count needs help, needs support, can't do it all? On
1:09
Speaker 3: our own. What do we need in our parenting support village?
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Speaker 2: So I'm going to say neighbors, teachers, friends, community leaders,
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Speaker 2: medical professionals, surrogate aunts and uncles, and surrogate grandparents.
1:26
Speaker 3: Okay, so that's your list of seven. Let's break it
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Speaker 3: down and go through them one at a time. Where
1:30
Speaker 3: do you want to start at the top?
1:32
Speaker 2: Neighbors?
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Speaker 3: Okay, it takes a village, and it starts in your neighborhood.
1:34
Speaker 3: There's a lot of research. Now this is mainly American research.
1:37
Speaker 3: America is a very it's a different place to Australia.
1:40
Speaker 3: But I think this research will really resonate with people
1:43
Speaker 3: whether they're on the Australian continent or the American continent.
1:47
Speaker 3: And that is that we see well being increase when
1:50
Speaker 3: neighborhoods feel safe.
1:52
Speaker 2: And that's definitely been our experience oh so much. We've
1:55
Speaker 2: lived in neighborhoods where nobody had a front fence yeah,
1:59
Speaker 2: and just had the ability to roam wherever they wanted
2:03
Speaker 2: to and it was just delightful. We've also lived in
2:07
Speaker 2: neighborhoods where everybody has an electric gate, yeah, and it
2:12
Speaker 2: literally stops social interactions.
2:16
Speaker 3: Well, just on that the last house that we lived
2:18
Speaker 3: in when we were in Brisie for that five years
2:21
Speaker 3: or so, we had no gate at all on our property,
2:25
Speaker 3: but it was a battle ax block and we were
2:27
Speaker 3: sort of up behind the neighbors in front. The thing is,
2:31
Speaker 3: we had dogs, and so we installed a gate because
2:34
Speaker 3: we didn't want the dogs escaping. There's laws about that,
2:36
Speaker 3: we have to keep the dogs contained. There was no
2:38
Speaker 3: easy way to contain them without a gate on the driveway,
2:41
Speaker 3: but we put the gate all the way up towards
2:43
Speaker 3: the house. In spite of that, you actually had conversations
2:47
Speaker 3: with the people who said, yeah, I don't like to
2:49
Speaker 3: drop by because you've got the gate and the gates closed,
2:51
Speaker 3: and it just makes it feel like the house is
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Speaker 3: not accessible.
2:54
Speaker 2: Now.
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Speaker 3: Obviously, we can only do what we can do. Sometimes
2:57
Speaker 3: we've got gates, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we have fences
2:59
Speaker 3: and sometimes we don't. But this idea that the neighborhood
3:02
Speaker 3: needs to feel safe and the kids really you want
3:06
Speaker 3: them to have the capacity of the freedom to number one,
3:09
Speaker 3: roam up and down the street and see their friends,
3:12
Speaker 3: but number two to know that they're safe while they're
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Speaker 3: doing it.
3:17
Speaker 2: And I think that that's the beautiful thing. We're now
3:19
Speaker 2: in a neighborhood where on any given afternoon I will
3:23
Speaker 2: get a text message from another parent in the street
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Speaker 2: to just say, hey, just checking in. Is my daughter
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Speaker 2: at your place? Which feels great because it's usually me
3:31
Speaker 2: I don't have a clue where she is because there
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Speaker 2: are so many children in the street and they just
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Speaker 2: love hanging out together.
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Speaker 3: I'm going to say something that I know you won't
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Speaker 3: want me to say, but I think that it matters
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Speaker 3: for illustrating just how important it is to have great neighbors.
3:43
Speaker 3: And when we're talking about this village, that really is
3:46
Speaker 3: so important. That's why we talk about it as often
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Speaker 3: as we do. Being in a neighborhood we feel safe,
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Speaker 3: psychologically and physically matters so much. Many many years ago
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Speaker 3: were In fact, I'm going to share two experiences, many
3:56
Speaker 3: many years ago, when our eldest was only maybe three
3:58
Speaker 3: years old. One morning, I was getting ready for work.
4:03
Speaker 3: This was back when I was a radio announcer. I think, well,
4:04
Speaker 3: maybe i'd just become a student, but I was getting
4:07
Speaker 3: ready for work, and I think that you were either
4:09
Speaker 3: dealing with one of our children, or maybe even in
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Speaker 3: the shower.
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Speaker 2: If it's the story, I think you're telling I was
4:16
Speaker 2: breastfeeding the baby.
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Speaker 3: Ah, so you were breastfeeding the baby, and I was
4:19
Speaker 3: completely absent mindedly doing my own thing, getting ready for
4:22
Speaker 3: work because that was where my head was. And we
4:25
Speaker 3: got a knock on the door. It's like six forty
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Speaker 3: five seven am. One of the neighbors has got our
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Speaker 3: three year old or our four year old, however old
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Speaker 3: Chanelle was. She'd somehow gotten out the front door and
4:35
Speaker 3: started wandering down the street. We'd never actually met this
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Speaker 3: neighbor before, but he just happened to see this little
4:42
Speaker 3: girl and happened to know that there were a couple
4:44
Speaker 3: of little girls where we were, so he brought a home.
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Speaker 3: That's a great neighborhood. Compare that, like how many years later,
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Speaker 3: twelve thirteen years later, when our youngest daughter escaped from
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Speaker 3: the house. This was a house where we didn't have
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Speaker 3: a screen door or a front fence, and you were
5:01
Speaker 3: vacuuming the house. I wasn't even home, but you know
5:03
Speaker 3: what it's like. You're in the house, you're doing the vacuuming,
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Speaker 3: it's noisy, you're not really supervising your children one hundred
5:09
Speaker 3: percent at the time, and you thought that she was
5:10
Speaker 3: actively engaged in one activity, but she'd gotten board of
5:13
Speaker 3: that and stood up and somehow got the front door
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Speaker 3: open and went for a walk. And when I say
5:17
Speaker 3: went for a walk, I mean she walked down the street,
5:19
Speaker 3: around the corner, around another corner of another street, and
5:22
Speaker 3: ended up near the kid's school, which was about two
5:24
Speaker 3: hundred meters away. Fortunately, a good friend of ours and
5:27
Speaker 3: neighbor brought a home there. But our next door neighbors
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Speaker 3: called child Protection and dobb descend for not being vigilant parents.
5:37
Speaker 3: It's one of those things you can't control it. In
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Speaker 3: two episodes, twelve years apart, thirteen years apart. I don't
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Speaker 3: think that that's a pattern. I think that there's enough
5:44
Speaker 3: evidence that things were okay. But being in a neighborhood
5:47
Speaker 3: where that happened, we couldn't get out of there fast enough.
5:51
Speaker 3: We also really wanted to get a screen door on
5:52
Speaker 3: as quickly as we could as well. But great neighborhoods matter.
5:56
Speaker 3: What was your second one?
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Speaker 2: Teachers play a huge part in our kids life.
6:00
Speaker 3: They so much.
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Speaker 2: They are literally there every day.
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Speaker 3: To every teacher who does this work, thank you so much.
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Speaker 3: Thank you for caring about.
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Speaker 2: Our kids, and the best thing we can do is
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Speaker 2: to recognize and see our kids teachers as part of
6:14
Speaker 2: their village and work together to support our children in
6:18
Speaker 2: whatever way they need. The times that we've had the
6:21
Speaker 2: capacity to do this, our kids have flourished.
6:25
Speaker 3: One of my favorite stories that I share in my
6:27
Speaker 3: presentations involves a mum who stormed into the school blew
6:32
Speaker 3: up at a teacher because she was convinced that the
6:34
Speaker 3: teacher wasn't doing his part in helping her fourteen year
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Speaker 3: old daughter to thrive and flourish and excel at school.
6:41
Speaker 3: And he just listened to this withering, blistering attack that
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Speaker 3: she made on him, and at the end of it,
6:46
Speaker 3: he said, I really appreciate how much you love your daughter,
6:48
Speaker 3: and I really appreciate that you come and shared this
6:50
Speaker 3: with me. And then he invited her to sit down
6:52
Speaker 3: with him, and they sat side by side of the
6:54
Speaker 3: table and developed a plan that they could work on
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Speaker 3: together as part of a village, as part of this community,
7:02
Speaker 3: to help this girl to do better at school. I
7:05
Speaker 3: wish that the mum had been more charitable at the beginning,
7:07
Speaker 3: but I'm so grateful for a teacher who was willing
7:09
Speaker 3: to forgive her lack of discretion and her volatility, and
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Speaker 3: still invite her into a warm and careful conversation about
7:17
Speaker 3: how they could support the community around this girl.
7:21
Speaker 2: The third one's friends. It seems like such an obvious one,
7:25
Speaker 2: but each of these people in our village requires intentional effort,
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Speaker 2: intentional action to create the relationships that you want, and
7:38
Speaker 2: helping your children cultivate positive interactions with their peers is
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Speaker 2: so important.
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Speaker 3: Friends at school, friends outside of school equally, if not
7:53
Speaker 3: more important, because sometimes school can be a hard place
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Speaker 3: and knowing that you've at least got some friends somewhere else.
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Speaker 3: I was actually one of the most unpopular kids in
7:59
Speaker 3: my grade. I just had a horrible, horrible time right
8:01
Speaker 3: throughout high school. But I had some great friends from church,
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Speaker 3: and they were the ones who literally got me through.
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Speaker 3: They were the ones that I look forward to seeing
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Speaker 3: a couple times a week during the week and also
8:12
Speaker 3: on the weekends go surfing and whatever. It was so important.
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Speaker 3: I'm going to add something else about that whole friend
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Speaker 3: thing by Kylie, and that is that our kids need
8:19
Speaker 3: to see us valuing and investing in our friendships as well.
8:25
Speaker 3: Adulthood isn't just about going to work and doing the chores.
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Speaker 3: We need to show our kids that we have social
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Speaker 3: lives and that we value those friendships as well, so
8:34
Speaker 3: that they know how.
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Speaker 2: To do it. So Number four is community leaders, whether
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Speaker 2: it be church leaders, youth group leaders, sports coaches, people
8:48
Speaker 2: who have a significant degree of separation from what your
8:54
Speaker 2: life is and specifically what your children's life is, and
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Speaker 2: just sees them in a completely different life in different space.
9:01
Speaker 2: Is such a beautiful space for our children to be
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Speaker 2: seen for them and not for the family unit that
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Speaker 2: they belong to. And I love that community leaders have
9:13
Speaker 2: always been a part of our village. They have always
9:17
Speaker 2: been there to nurture and strengthen our children in the
9:20
Speaker 2: ways that work for them.
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Speaker 3: So I'm going to just quickly say something here, and
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Speaker 3: that is that if you're hearing this one and thinking, yeah,
9:27
Speaker 3: it doesn't exist, I would ask what are you doing
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Speaker 3: in your home and in your family to be a
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Speaker 3: part of the community. As we're getting busier and busier,
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Speaker 3: and as we're becoming increasingly individualistic, it gets harder and
9:40
Speaker 3: harder to really invest in the community. But being involved
9:44
Speaker 3: in the netbook club or the soccer club, or the
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Speaker 3: surf club, or the park run group, the local organizing
9:50
Speaker 3: committee there, or being involved in a neighborhood community group
9:55
Speaker 3: of some kind. It makes a difference. And having the
9:58
Speaker 3: kids involved, having your family anticipating fully in these kinds
10:01
Speaker 3: of things, or your local church if you have a
10:03
Speaker 3: religious orientation, these things will make a difference and build
10:08
Speaker 3: your community. I think there's I just I'm so glad
10:12
Speaker 3: that you said that. What's Jeff forgot what number up to?
10:14
Speaker 3: Well we have to number five.
10:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's go medical professionals. I know this one probably
10:19
Speaker 2: may to some people feel like a bit of an
10:22
Speaker 2: odd one, but growing up we had the same doctor
10:27
Speaker 2: my entire life. So by the time I became an
10:30
Speaker 2: adult and I was looking to get married and I
10:33
Speaker 2: needed to have specific conversations with him. He was a
10:36
Speaker 2: village member, yep, that I had confidence in going to see.
10:40
Speaker 1: Yeah.
10:41
Speaker 2: It was built over years and years of going because
10:44
Speaker 2: I had a sore finger, or I broke my leg
10:47
Speaker 2: or all of those things. And he saw me grow,
10:50
Speaker 2: so he understood my family, my family dynamics. He saw
10:54
Speaker 2: me as an individual. My dentist is another person. Nick
11:00
Speaker 2: he got married, I would fly from rock Hampton to
11:03
Speaker 2: Brisbane to see my dentist one because I was a person.
11:07
Speaker 2: I didn't feel like a number with him. He knew
11:10
Speaker 2: my family, he knew me, and he loved seeing me
11:13
Speaker 2: grow and progress. He also knew my idiosyncrasies around dentists
11:18
Speaker 2: and the fact that I hate them, and he was
11:20
Speaker 2: really gentle and kind. All of those things meant that
11:24
Speaker 2: I felt like I had medical professionals that were on
11:29
Speaker 2: my side. They were in my village.
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Speaker 3: And my doctor just thought I was funny because I
11:33
Speaker 3: showed up one day and I was worried because one
11:34
Speaker 3: of my pecks, one of my pecks, was bigger than
11:37
Speaker 3: the other one. I took my shirt off and I said, look,
11:40
Speaker 3: I'm my body's not right. I've got my right peck
11:43
Speaker 3: is bigger than my left peck. And he just thought
11:45
Speaker 3: that I was his favorite client, his favorite patient from
11:49
Speaker 3: then on. Because I was worried about different sized pecks.
11:52
Speaker 3: He explained that was normal. But having him there, I
11:54
Speaker 3: couldn't talk to my parents about this. There was no
11:56
Speaker 3: way I was going to talk to my parents about
11:58
Speaker 3: how my right peck was bigger than my left peck
11:59
Speaker 3: and I was insecure about it. I was worried about it.
12:01
Speaker 3: I needed to see the doctor, so I love that
12:03
Speaker 3: you said that one I wouldn't have thought about putting
12:05
Speaker 3: that in my village list, but I love that you said.
12:06
Speaker 2: That aunts and uncles, if we've got blood relatives around,
12:13
Speaker 2: having them be a part of our kids village is
12:16
Speaker 2: so important. But if we don't, who are adults in
12:21
Speaker 2: our lives that can play surrogate aunt and uncle to
12:25
Speaker 2: our children, who are safe, almost parental figures that can
12:31
Speaker 2: be there when our kids don't feel like they can
12:34
Speaker 2: come to you as mum and dad to share their
12:36
Speaker 2: worries and their concerns.
12:38
Speaker 3: You had this as a teenager, particularly, I feel like.
12:42
Speaker 2: I've always had this. I've always had people in my
12:45
Speaker 2: life who have just loved me.
12:48
Speaker 3: I used to call them auntie and uncle. So there
12:50
Speaker 3: was a lady down the road, and when I say
12:53
Speaker 3: down the road, I'm talking about like eight hundred meters
12:54
Speaker 3: down the road. But though were just part of our
12:56
Speaker 3: part of our extended family, and part of our village,
12:59
Speaker 3: and was uncle Hillary and Arnie Debbie. And that's just
13:03
Speaker 3: what we used to call them. And they were not
13:04
Speaker 3: related to us in any way, shape or form, But
13:07
Speaker 3: back in those days, that's what you used to say
13:08
Speaker 3: as well. Everyone was your uncle or you're artie. We
13:10
Speaker 3: don't tend to say that stuff so much. We've got
13:13
Speaker 3: one more, is that right? Or have I lost count again?
13:15
Speaker 1: No?
13:15
Speaker 2: Last one? Surrogate grandparents. If your grandparents are around, like
13:19
Speaker 2: for some of us we've lost our grandparents, they've never
13:22
Speaker 2: actually already died, and so finding other older people. The
13:27
Speaker 2: wonderful gift of our retirees, our great nomads, what if
13:32
Speaker 2: you want to call them our older generation, is they
13:35
Speaker 2: have the time that us busy parents don't have, and
13:40
Speaker 2: they can. Their greatest gift is the time that they're
13:44
Speaker 2: able to spend. So we've got a few neighbors who
13:47
Speaker 2: fall into this bracket, and they're not only our neighbors,
13:51
Speaker 2: but in so many ways they play a surrogate grandparent
13:54
Speaker 2: for our nine year old. Specifically, she loves going and
13:58
Speaker 2: knocking on their doors, playing with their cat, and the
14:00
Speaker 2: swimming in their pool, selling her little trinkets and bracelets
14:03
Speaker 2: that she makes with her beads. Down on their corner,
14:06
Speaker 2: they bring out their furniture, so she's got a table
14:08
Speaker 2: to show everything on. She's just and they'll sit there
14:11
Speaker 2: with her because they have the time to do it.
14:14
Speaker 3: Which brings me to you've actually said the word that
14:16
Speaker 3: I really wanted to emphasize. If we want to build
14:18
Speaker 3: up these seven people, bring them into our parenting village,
14:21
Speaker 3: create a parenting village. It comes down of time. Tim
14:25
Speaker 3: doesn't matter whether or not maybe it's your local butcher
14:29
Speaker 3: like or the local grosser or something like that. The
14:32
Speaker 3: village builds as we have those brief, almost meaningless interactions
14:38
Speaker 3: at the beginning, Hey, how are you going, Yeah, nice
14:40
Speaker 3: to see you. Or if you go down to the
14:41
Speaker 3: local cafe and they remember your favorite drink, they know
14:44
Speaker 3: that I love that smoothie, they know that somebody else
14:46
Speaker 3: loves that particular coffee, and you have these slow but growing,
14:52
Speaker 3: simple interactions that build into a bit more of a hey,
14:55
Speaker 3: how are you going? Or Hey, no kids with you today?
14:57
Speaker 3: Or hey this or the conversation builds, it develops and grows,
15:02
Speaker 3: and all of a sudden, this person becomes somebody that
15:04
Speaker 3: you share something with a little bit extra one day.
15:07
Speaker 3: The relationship grows through time, involvement, and investment.
15:11
Speaker 2: So we've been on the coast now for about eighteen months.
15:14
Speaker 2: I've been going in and out of the post office
15:16
Speaker 2: for eighteen months, and one of our daughters has just
15:19
Speaker 2: taken on all of your book posted right and if
15:22
Speaker 2: you haven't side job.
15:23
Speaker 3: If you haven't yet ordered a book from Happy Families
15:26
Speaker 3: dot com dot I you the Parenting Revolution is available
15:28
Speaker 3: and Annie would love to pack it for you and
15:30
Speaker 3: post it so that she can earn some pocket or
15:33
Speaker 3: she can earn a wage. She can earn some money.
15:34
Speaker 3: But really, you just want to build up the village
15:36
Speaker 3: at the post office, don't you.
15:38
Speaker 2: Well I went down to the post office and I
15:40
Speaker 2: explained to VICKI down there what needed to happen. And
15:44
Speaker 2: I said that my daughter was going to be taking
15:45
Speaker 2: this on. And she was literally I made her day.
15:49
Speaker 2: She was like, oh my gosh, I've got some news
15:51
Speaker 2: for you. I am going to save you so much money.
15:54
Speaker 2: So she talked me through it, and I said to her, Okay,
15:57
Speaker 2: this all seems like a little bit. She said. It
15:59
Speaker 2: is a little bit overwhelming start with, she said, but
16:01
Speaker 2: let's just do it here for now, and then we
16:03
Speaker 2: can work on the next step next next time. So
16:06
Speaker 2: when I went in the next day, she said, oh
16:08
Speaker 2: my gosh, she said, you left, and she said, and
16:10
Speaker 2: I must need a life, she said, because I thought
16:15
Speaker 2: of another way I can save you more money, and
16:17
Speaker 2: so every day we go in. Now, Vicki's so excited. Oh,
16:20
Speaker 2: you've only got a small pile today, Kylie. You know,
16:23
Speaker 2: she's so aware of who I am that her face
16:27
Speaker 2: lights up when she sees me. And we talk about
16:31
Speaker 2: feeling time poor, and it's real. We have so many
16:35
Speaker 2: time restraints on us, and it feels like to build
16:39
Speaker 2: this village is going to be all consuming and take
16:43
Speaker 2: up let our time. The reality is it isn't going
16:46
Speaker 2: to happen overnight, and it is a slow gain. But
16:51
Speaker 2: once you're there, that village actually helps with this feeling
16:56
Speaker 2: of being time poor. This village takes your kids under
17:00
Speaker 2: their wings. We've had so many beautiful people over the
17:03
Speaker 2: years who literally played mum to them when I've had
17:06
Speaker 2: a new baby, and they've taken the older kids under
17:10
Speaker 2: their wings and just loved on them when they felt
17:13
Speaker 2: like Mum didn't have the capacity to. And I just
17:16
Speaker 2: feel so blessed that those people have had so much
17:21
Speaker 2: beautiful and positive influence in my kid's life. It doesn't
17:24
Speaker 2: detract from who I am as a parent, It doesn't
17:27
Speaker 2: take diminish my efforts. What it does is it adds
17:30
Speaker 2: to it.
17:32
Speaker 3: The happy families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
17:34
Speaker 3: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
17:37
Speaker 3: about making your family happier, please visit us at happy
17:39
Speaker 3: families dot com dot IU. Oh, and tomorrow a really
17:43
Speaker 3: big question that we're going to be answering about what
17:45
Speaker 3: to do when parents are absent in your life. It's
17:50
Speaker 3: the Happy Famili's podcast.
18:00
Speaker 2: Okay,