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Why Rest Alone Won’t Cure Your Exhaustion · Aging ain't for Sissies

• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, and welcome to Aging A for Sissies.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: My name is Marcy Backis, and I am your host.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hello, my friends, and welcome back to Aging A for Sissies.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk to you about something that comes up in conversations all the time.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: All the time.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, all the time.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was just with a group of women this weekend, but somehow never gets fully named.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Exhaustion.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: And not the kind where you just take a nap.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about that deep layered, low-grade exhaustion that sits in your bones.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: The kind where you're tired when you wake up.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: The kind where you look at your calendar and feel worn out before the day even starts.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever said, I'm not sick, I'm just tired, this episode is for you.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because that kind of exhaustion isn't laziness.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, it's not.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's not weakness.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's definitely not something you can fix with a bubble bath at a positive attitude.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: So we will get into that today, but I'm just going to catch you up on my epic road trip.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I made it 2,000 miles from Chicago all the way to California.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here in Moore Park, California right now.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I will be heading over to my girlfriend's just a hop, skip, and a jump away this afternoon for a couple of days.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But what have I done?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let's see, I drove from Chicago to Springfield, Missouri through the Ozarks, from there to Amarillo, Texas.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I had dinner at the famous Big Texan steakhouse.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't have a steak, had a salad.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Funny enough.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Did a beautiful drive into Albuquerque, spent the night in Albuquerque, got up the next day and drove a beautiful, just totally different topography all the way into Flagstaff.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Had a beautiful hotel in Flagstaff and then dipped myself into Las Vegas where my girlfriend Annette hosted my friends and my sister for my 65th birthday weekend.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: I also, during all that, the day that I left Illinois, had 38 years of sobriety.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So it's been a lot.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a fun weekend.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: We had a beautiful dinner in the Bellagio Saturday night.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: We did some outlet shopping.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: We um went and saw the Wizard of Oz inside the sphere.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Las Vegas Sphere, Wizard of Oz.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody enjoyed it.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody dressed for the occasion.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: The gal showed up and showed out for Saturday night's dinner.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was just delightful.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And my friend Annette just went above and beyond.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for a wonderful birthday weekend.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, everybody left on Monday.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: And my bestie Lynn and I did our little drive with uh some MMs, some popcorners, and uh a couple of diet cokes and made our way to um California.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So it was just delightful.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm having a great trip.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I look forward to what's coming up next.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about that real quick here.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to spend a couple of days with my bestie Lynn.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to have lunch with her sister-in-law, my good friend.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: On Saturday, I get to celebrate my friend Shane and his new husband, Dominic.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: I get to do that.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then I get three nights with my oldest child, Kyle, in Los Angeles.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that will be fun.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then I am going down to Disneyland, spend a couple of nights at Disneyland and a day at Disneyland, and heading in, skidding into my girlfriend Mary's house for a few days.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, I hop on a cruise on February 1st.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I will.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and just after that, I am headed to Arizona and then from Arizona home.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got a lot more to come, and I've had a wonderful trip so far.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: But I am tired.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's been from one place to another.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you the tricky part about doing something like this is changing your location, even if it's I've been in the same place three days today, and then two days, and then three days, and then two days, trying not to lose things, trying to pack up, trying to keep things organized, and then having to pack for a cruise.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had to bring a lot of clothes and a lot of things.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, but it's a great trip.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: I have no regrets.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: But what are we going to talk about today?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to talk about a different kind of tired.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not a tired from just doing too much, but just there's a thing that nobody warned us about.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: The exhaustion that comes with aging is not physical alone.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, our bodies get tired more easily, but that's not the whole story.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is a mental tired, emotional tired, decision-making tired.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's the tired that comes from years of being responsible, years of managing details, and years of thinking ahead for everyone else.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And let me tell you something: getting ready for this trip and having to have Craig know all the things that I do because for a couple of weeks, plants cannot get watered or just you know what I'm saying.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it was exhausting getting ready to go, getting him the information so that he could be successful.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the kind of tired I'm talking about.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Thinking of everyone else.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: You're not tired because you're doing too much today.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're tired because you've been doing a lot for a very long time.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: And no one gave you a break schedule.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the truth?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like you think, look back on your life and all that you've accomplished and all that you've done, and the schedules you've kept, and the kids that you've gotten hither and yon and here and there.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And think about how many dinners you've planned, how many lunches you've packed.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: No wonder we're exhausted.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: How many miles you've driven.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of laugh about that because I just did 2,000 miles.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what I'm saying?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: The carpool, the games, the birthday parties, the all of it.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: No one gave us a break schedule.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: We just plowed and plowed through.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: So decision fatigue is real.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about it because this one sneaks up on us.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: We make decisions all day long.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about what car should I buy or what vacation should we go on or what's for dinner.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I am kind of talking about that.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: We make decisions all day long because that's one of them: what to eat, where to go, when to leave, what to say, what not to say.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: How to say it so no one gets upset.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: These are thoughts that are going.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your brain and how you're working and how many thoughts are flying through it on a daily basis and decisions.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: And those thoughts requiring decisions.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: The older we get, the more layered those decisions become.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Health decisions, financial decisions, family decisions, travel decisions.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I've had a problem with my hand for the last since October.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: We thought we had it under control.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: It flared up again while I was here.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just made a doctor's appointment while I'm here in California because I need to see a doctor.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're making decisions all the time.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: So when we get to the end of the day and feel completely wiped out, even if you didn't do much, that makes sense.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you're not doing a lot, you're making a lot of decisions.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain has been working over time.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is why sometimes the smallest question, what do you want for dinner, can feel like the final straw and throw you over the edge.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I you all know this about me, but I do HelloFresh for three meals a week.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to think about it.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just pull one out and I'm like, oh, we're gonna eat this for dinner.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: It has everything.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to think about it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Recommend it highly.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about dinner, it's about capacity.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: So when something throws you over the edge, it's not that thing.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's about you've reached capacity.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I know other people don't always understand that.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Usually our children and our spouses.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: They don't understand this um constant decision making.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's it's an interesting thing.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And it it tends to be split among party lines.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: It seems to be women, I think, suffer from this more than men because the decisions fall on us.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: What's for dinner?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: What's Bobby going to take to the birthday party?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you know, all those things.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: And and it just we get to capacity.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And there's an emotional labor that no one sees.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's another layer of exhaustion we don't talk about enough.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: Emotional labor.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Being the one who remembers, the one who checks in, the one who smooths things over, the one who holds space.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: And let me be clear: this is not about blaming anyone at all.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is just factual.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: We are the ones who remember everything.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: How many Christmases have come and gone that your husband was surprised when people opened their gifts from him because he had no clue?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Think about those kind of things.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not blaming anyone.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is just a role that we have assumed.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's about acknowledging reality.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: When you spent decades being emotionally available, emotionally aware, emotionally responsible, it adds up.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have a partner who is emotionally unavailable, I kind of have that one, it really racks up on you.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: You can love people deeply and still be tired of carrying their emotional weight.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't make you cold, it makes you human.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: And there are some people put more emotional weight on you than others.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's, you know, it's it's it doesn't make you cold.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: It just makes you a human being.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why just rest doesn't fix it?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is really the important part about this.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think most of us knew everything that I just said.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: If you didn't, I'm glad you've learned something new.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I think most of us have realized in our lifetime that we know these things.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: So why just taking a nap doesn't fix it?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: And here is the very frustrating part about the whole thing.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can rest and still feel exhausted.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let me say that again.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: You can rest and still feel exhausted.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to tell you, there's not a darn thing wrong with you.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: That is a fact that can happen because this kind of tired isn't fixed by sleep alone.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this exhaustion, yes, sleep is important.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, good sleep is important.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I have not talked to one woman recently that gets good sleep.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: On this trip, I have helped my sleep along with one Tylenol PM because I need to sleep.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: When I was driving, I'm in a different hotel every night.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not in my bed.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in a friend's home.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm here, I'm there.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know sleep is important.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: So yes, it is important, but it's not the only thing.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: What is it fixed by?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's fixed by fewer obligations, better boundaries, less explaining, and we've talked about that in the last few episodes, more honesty about what you can actually handle.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: And as we get older, we can handle less, and that's okay.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: We shouldn't have to handle it all.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: There should be some grace that comes with aging.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there is, but we also have to ask for it and we also have to set boundaries.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the most restorative thing you can do isn't lying down.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's saying no.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we've talked about no as a complete sentence.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's about canceling plans.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's about choosing ease without guilt.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my ease.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Hello fresh.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I get three meals a week delivered.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: Usually one or two nights, Craig and I just do our own thing.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: We eat out the other two.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: So we eat at church on Wednesdays.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that there's that.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, that is choosing ease without guilt.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's great food.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: You still do the cooking, which I really enjoy cooking.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't want to think about it.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: So that is something I've done for myself when Craig and I moved to Chicago.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Rest without relief doesn't work.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let me repeat that.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: Rest without relief doesn't work.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: What are the relief things again?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: Saying no, canceling plans, and choosing ease without guilt.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: If it's just you and your husband at home, you don't have to cook every night.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Craig and I have free choice night.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I don't want to eat dinner.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And if I know I'm cooking one of those HelloFresh meals, I don't eat lunch.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like I make my choices, but um you don't have to make dinner every night, just an FYI.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: So rest without relief doesn't work.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Find that relief.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: What helps?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to try to do this and not sound preachy.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, I'm in the same boat.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: So what actually helps this kind of exhaustion is simple, but not easy.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's allowing yourself to stop performing, stop pretending you have more energy than you do.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Stop pushing through just to meet expectations.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Stop treating rest like a reward instead of a necessity.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: This is something in the last year I've really been very easygoing on myself.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: If I come home and I want to from the gym, I do go to the gym.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: I that is not a non-negotiable because that also makes me feel good.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: So that's a non-negotiable.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: But when I get home, if I've got nothing else to do, I'll lay on the couch all afternoon and watch TV.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent a lifetime being productive.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a reward, it's a necessity.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's also learning to ask what actually matters today.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything needs your full attention.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: Not everything needs to be handled right now, and not everything is yours to fix.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing where to spend your energy is one of the most powerful skills of aging.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: Choosing where to spend your energy is one of the most powerful skills of aging.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: You're not broken.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're just not.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: None of us are.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening to this and thinking, why am I so tired all the time?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to hear this clearly.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: You're not broken, you're not lazy, you're not failing.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: You are a person who lived, lived, loved, managed, and carried a lot.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: Be gentle with yourself.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: Protect your energy and stop apologizing for needing to rest.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Or as my friend Mary Allen says, toes up.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need a toes up.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for being here.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, aging a for sissies and exhaustion is not a personal flaw.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: Go out and do something positive.