Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1120 - Savouring Time With Our Kids

Transcript

#1120 - Savouring Time With Our Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers now.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of saturdays ago, Kylie and I were invited
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  Speaker 2: along to a conference to speak to fathers of girls.
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  Speaker 2: The Fathers of Girls organization exists for dads of daughters
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  Speaker 2: and they raise Buttons for Confident Girls, a charity that
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  Speaker 2: is designed to help girls who are certainly not born
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  Speaker 2: into the most privileged of circumstances and have a range
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  Speaker 2: of challenges and difficulties. Great charity doing really really delightful work.
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  Speaker 2: At that conference or at that luncheon at the fundraiser,
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  Speaker 2: I spoke for a little while, but before I spoke,
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  Speaker 2: I decided to throw Kylie in it. In a room
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  Speaker 2: of two hundred and sixty men who had had a
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  Speaker 2: nice lunch and a couple of drinks, Kylie stood up
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  Speaker 2: on stage and grabbed that microphone and spoke to them
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  Speaker 2: about being a mother of girls. What we decided to
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  Speaker 2: do today is share Kylie's talk in full, and we
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  Speaker 2: wanted to share it with you because it applies. It
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  Speaker 2: doesn't just apply to mothers of girls or fathers and girls.
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  Speaker 2: It's a parenting conversation, but Kylie had these two hundred
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  Speaker 2: and sixty men absolutely captivated though their wrapped attention. Many
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  Speaker 2: of them were literally brought to tears as Kylie shared
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  Speaker 2: her talk. And we're going to share that with you
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  Speaker 2: right now. Kylie does have a little bit of hay fever.
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  Speaker 2: So if she sounds a little bit, let's word, froggy, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: would you call it froggy a little bit hoarse. We'll
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  Speaker 2: come up with another animal that you could sound. But
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  Speaker 2: here we go. This is what Kylie had to say
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  Speaker 2: at the Fathers of Girls conference.
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  Speaker 1: When Justin's first book was published and arrived on our doorstep,
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  Speaker 1: it was a monumental moment at our home. There were tears, huts,
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  Speaker 1: and a lot of excitement over this reality. Seeing all
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  Speaker 1: of his hard work come to fruition and such a
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  Speaker 1: tangible form was significant, so much so that we packed
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  Speaker 1: the six kids into the car that very afternoon and
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  Speaker 1: made the one and a half hour trek up the
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  Speaker 1: freeway to visit Justin's nan Margie, who was holding on
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  Speaker 1: by a thread. We wanted to give her the first
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  Speaker 1: copy and read her the dedication meant just for her.
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  Speaker 1: A few months later, I found myself thumbing through its pages,
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  Speaker 1: having read it in its entirety. During the proofing stage,
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  Speaker 1: I returned for a gentle reminder of things we already
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  Speaker 1: knew but was struggling to implement. Around page ten, I
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  Speaker 1: was hit with a task. Imagine you are your child
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  Speaker 1: as you answer these questions about your parenting. Things like
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  Speaker 1: my parents support me. They cansole me when I'm upset.
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  Speaker 1: They show they care about me. They have genuine interest
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  Speaker 1: in me. They remember things that are important to me.
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  Speaker 1: They are available to talk at any time. They ask
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  Speaker 1: questions in a caring manner. They spend extra time with
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  Speaker 1: me just because they want to. They were willing to
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  Speaker 1: talk about my troubles and my interests. I value my input.
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  Speaker 1: They make me feel wanted. I was struck by this challenge.
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  Speaker 1: I didn't want to imagine. I wanted to know firsthand.
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  Speaker 1: I craved a concrete proof understanding my successes, failures, and
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  Speaker 1: aerism improvement. In a state of quandary, I deliberated on
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  Speaker 1: the best way to extract this information from my children.
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  Speaker 1: I considered asking a close friend or a neighbor, both psychologists,
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  Speaker 1: to spend time with my kids one on one, But
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  Speaker 1: the thought of my children sharing my shortcomings with them
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  Speaker 1: broke my heart a little. I just wasn't sure I
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  Speaker 1: was ready to face my flaws publicly. But would my
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  Speaker 1: children be honest if I asked them myself. I decided
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  Speaker 1: there was only one way to find out, and that's
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  Speaker 1: how PPIs Personal progress interviews began in our home. I
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  Speaker 1: needn't have worried about my kids being honest with me.
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  Speaker 1: After all, every parent has probably been told by their
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  Speaker 1: child at some point after an unpopular request, that they
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  Speaker 1: are the worst. Just yesterday, my children didn't hold back,
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  Speaker 1: justin played with the other kids in another room while
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  Speaker 1: I took each one into the lounde room and went
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  Speaker 1: through their list. Seeing myself through my children's eyes was humbling.
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  Speaker 1: They truly are pure light. In many ways, they saw
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  Speaker 1: the best in me when I felt so inadequate. Yet
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  Speaker 1: there were also moments of clarity, a sucker punch to
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  Speaker 1: the heart as they opened up and shared things like,
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  Speaker 1: you're really good at listening to me unless you're at
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  Speaker 1: your sewing machine or Dad's on his phone. You say
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  Speaker 1: you're listening, but I know you're not because you never
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  Speaker 1: look up La aged four ouch. Over the years, the
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  Speaker 1: process is simplified to three simple questions. What's going well
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  Speaker 1: our successes, what's not our failures? And where can we improve?
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  Speaker 1: This pattern has been refined over the years with each
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  Speaker 1: of them. I'd love to say we are meticulous with
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  Speaker 1: our timing and have these conversations once a month. We
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  Speaker 1: do not, But when we feel a disconnect or a
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  Speaker 1: sense of troubled heart, we tap into the our three questions.
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  Speaker 1: It might be while snuggling on the bed, driving to school,
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  Speaker 1: walking the dog, or over a milkshake down at the
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  Speaker 1: local cafe, dependent on each child's needs or wants. Never
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  Speaker 1: is this process treated like a formal interview. In preparation
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  Speaker 1: for what I might share with each of you, I
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  Speaker 1: took the time to sit down with each of my
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  Speaker 1: kids and ask them two things. What have you loved
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  Speaker 1: about the way Dowd and I have parented you? And
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  Speaker 1: what will you do differently with your own family? These
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  Speaker 1: were really big questions, but don't worry. I had emotional
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  Speaker 1: band aids ready. After all, I really put myself in
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  Speaker 1: the thick of it, didn't I. Remembering that first humbling experience,
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  Speaker 1: I found this time was no different. Our beautiful girls,
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  Speaker 1: ranging from ages twenty five to ten, each bored their
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  Speaker 1: souls in eloquent ways, saying essentially the same things. They love,
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  Speaker 1: no matter how busy we get. That we prioritize family meals.
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  Speaker 1: They love that we've taught them skills in emotional intelligence
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  Speaker 1: forage through hard conversations, usually later a night, when they
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  Speaker 1: watch their friends navigate challenges. They feel grateful for those
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  Speaker 1: tough talks. That's where their emotional muscles get strong. They
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  Speaker 1: love that we prioritize their education and interests in whatever
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  Speaker 1: form it takes. We ask questions until we find answers.
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  Speaker 1: We listen to their needs, and we create a safe
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  Speaker 1: space for them to share their hearts. They appreciate that
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  Speaker 1: we teach them skills of independence, leaving them feel competent
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  Speaker 1: and capable. They know that arguments never last more than
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  Speaker 1: a day, and that forgiveness is given freely and salt
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  Speaker 1: quickly when needed. They love that we let them make
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  Speaker 1: mistakes and help them navigate challenges when they arise. They
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  Speaker 1: feel like we have their back even when they get
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  Speaker 1: it wrong. I had grand ideas about sharing lessons learned
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  Speaker 1: in the trenches, hard won wisdom from the battle front
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  Speaker 1: of parent life. Ways in which you might support your
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  Speaker 1: wives better, especially as girl mums, or a list of
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  Speaker 1: common mistakes dads make with their daughters, but they all
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  Speaker 1: paled in insignificance. After my conversations this week, honoring my
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  Speaker 1: daughter's hearts and their request, only one lesson that matters.
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  Speaker 1: When I asked if they would change anything, they told
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  Speaker 1: me there was only one thing. With daddy traveling so much,
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  Speaker 1: they recognize I carry a huge responsibility in running the family,
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  Speaker 1: which often leaves me exhausted at the end of the
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  Speaker 1: day and stretched beyond capacity. If they could change one thing,
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  Speaker 1: it would be to have more time time with us
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  Speaker 1: what teenager asks for? That? Seriously, Our kids push back
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  Speaker 1: a lot as they assert their independence, but deep down,
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  Speaker 1: what they want more than anything is our time. You see,
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  Speaker 1: to a kid, love is spelled T, I M E.
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  Speaker 1: Time is their love language, no matter their age or
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  Speaker 1: relationship status. It never changes and they crave it. They
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  Speaker 1: need it like we need air to breathe. They want
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  Speaker 1: our time to share their hearts, their successes and failures,
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  Speaker 1: their heartaches and joys. They want time to laugh, to cry,
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  Speaker 1: time to play, and time to create, time to snuggle.
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  Speaker 1: Don't be fooled. Don't think that because your kids are
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  Speaker 1: all grown up. Even at the ripe old age of
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  Speaker 1: eight or eighteen, they are too old for snuggles. They
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  Speaker 1: even want time for that. The other night, as I
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  Speaker 1: lay half comitosed on the bed after another mammoth day,
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  Speaker 1: one of the kids stopped by my bedroom door and
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  Speaker 1: asked if I was up for a walk along the beach.
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  Speaker 1: It was only seven point thirty, but I was shattered.
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  Speaker 1: I explained this to my daughter and sent her on
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  Speaker 1: her way. She accepted my decline graciously and understandingly, but
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  Speaker 1: as she walked away, my heart pained. This was a
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  Speaker 1: bid for connection. So I mustered all the energy I
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  Speaker 1: could find and I got out of bed. Let's go,
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  Speaker 1: I said. A hope field really came floating down the hallway.
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  Speaker 1: We dumped in the car and drove to our favorite spot.
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  Speaker 1: Five kilometers later. She was all talked out, but literally beaming.
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  Speaker 1: She just needed her mum, time to share her heart
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  Speaker 1: with me, time to listen to mine, but ultimately time.
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  Speaker 1: As I reflect on this journey of parenting, it clear
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  Speaker 1: that the most profound gift we can give our children
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  Speaker 1: is our time. In a world filled with distractions, Choosing
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  Speaker 1: to prioritize those moments foss's deep connections and reassures them
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  Speaker 1: of our love and lets them know they matter. Whether
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  Speaker 1: through laughter, conversation, or simply being present, these shared experiences
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  Speaker 1: shape their understanding of love and security. So as we
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  Speaker 1: navigate the challenges of busy lives and growing independence, let's
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  Speaker 1: remember to our girls love is spelled t I m E.
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  Speaker 1: Before we know what, our little ones will be all
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  Speaker 1: grown up, and we won't only wonder where the time went.
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  Speaker 1: We'll always wish we had more of it with them
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  Speaker 1: what we could. It might seem like a lot in
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  Speaker 1: the moment, but time together isn't just about building memories.
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  Speaker 1: When nurturing resilient, confident individuals who know they are valued
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  Speaker 1: as a parent, Nothing is more fulfilling than knowing that.
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  Speaker 1: Forget the lists, forget the dos and don'ts. At the
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  Speaker 1: end of the day, it's the time we spend with
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  Speaker 1: them that truly matters.
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  Speaker 2: Great stuff, Hey Fever a site great stuff and so
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  Speaker 2: well received by a group of men who, well, we
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  Speaker 2: didn't know how it was going to go, but they
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  Speaker 2: just loved it. They said all sorts of kind things.
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  Speaker 2: One guy came up to us afterwards and just said,
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to do the rest of this lunch.
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  Speaker 2: I just want to go home and hug my kids.
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  Speaker 2: I just want to spend the afternoon with my kids.
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  Speaker 1: I obviously don't get to go with you very often,
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  Speaker 1: and I definitely do not get to share the stage
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  Speaker 1: with you very often. I was very nervous being in
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  Speaker 1: a room full of men. A sea of pink did help. Yes,
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  Speaker 1: there was a lot of pink shirt.
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  Speaker 2: I wore a blue shirt, and when I got there,
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  Speaker 2: I thought, oh my goodness, we've got like two hundred
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  Speaker 2: and sixty blocks that are pretty much all wearing pink shirts.
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  Speaker 2: eOne didn't really they didn't give me a dress code.
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  Speaker 2: I didn't feel good about it.
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  Speaker 1: But when you have somebody say something like that, you've
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  Speaker 1: got this opportunity to reflect on what's most important. And
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  Speaker 1: in that moment, he just wanted to be with this family.
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  Speaker 1: That just made my heart melt.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, So we hope that as you've listened to
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  Speaker 2: Kylie's comments, that that's done the same thing for you,
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  Speaker 2: that it makes you want to go and hug your
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  Speaker 2: kids and spend time with them and get into that.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, we say it over and over and over again.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know where where the original quote came from.
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  Speaker 2: I can't attribute it appropriately, but it's been a mantra
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  Speaker 2: of mine. Kid Spell love tim Listening to you talk
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  Speaker 2: about that, Kylie reminds me of my gold Flex story
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  Speaker 2: that I love to tell. I think maybe we'll do
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  Speaker 2: that on the podcast as we move towards the summer holidays,
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  Speaker 2: just as a reminder that we've got to find those
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  Speaker 2: moments and savor them and cherish them. But I'm really
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  Speaker 2: glad you shared that. Thanks for doing that, especially with
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  Speaker 2: the annoying hay fever that's just come back and given
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  Speaker 2: you a big bite today. The Happy Families podcast is
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  Speaker 2: produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media. For more information
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: about how to make your family happier and get that
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: time working just right, you can visit us on our
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: socials on Instagram and Facebook or Happy families dot com
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: dot a