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How to Talk to Your Child About ADHD: What to Say When They Ask ‘What’s Wrong With Me? · Raising ADHD: Real Talk For Parents & Educators

• 0:00
  Apryl: Moment, what's wrong with me?
• 0:02
  Apryl: Maybe you've been waiting for this, maybe you've been dreading it, but this question, this moment is huge.
• 0:10
  Apryl: The way you answer it's gonna shape how your child thinks about them for years to come.
• 0:17
  Apryl: Welcome to Raising ADHD, the podcast for parents and teachers raising ADHD kids.
• 0:24
  Apryl: If you've ever felt frustrated, overwhelmed, or just unsure what to do next, you're not alone.
• 0:30
  Apryl: I'm April Bradford, a former teacher and ADHD mom, and alongside my husband, Dr.
• 0:36
  Apryl: Brian Bradford, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, we're here to give you the clarity, strategies, and support you've been looking for.
• 0:43
  Apryl: Every week we break down the misconceptions, answer your biggest questions, and share real tools you can use right away at home and in the classroom.
• 0:53
  Apryl: So if you're ready to feel more confident and less overwhelmed, you're in the right place.
• 0:57
  Apryl: Hey there, welcome back to Raising ADHD.
• 1:00
  Apryl: My name is April Bradford, and here with me is my husband Brian Bradford.
• 1:06
  Brian: Hey.
• 1:07
  Apryl: And if you're new here, welcome.
• 1:10
  Apryl: And if you are returning, welcome.
• 1:12
  Apryl: We're so happy to have you back.
• 1:14
  Apryl: Okay, today we are going to roll right in.
• 1:18
  Apryl: It's bedtime.
• 1:19
  Apryl: You're just turning out the lights, you've got your kiddo all tucked in, and you're walking out the door, and they say, Mom, what's wrong with me?
• 1:29
  Apryl: And your gut just drops.
• 1:34
  Apryl: And maybe you've been waiting for this, maybe you've been dreading it, but this question, this moment is huge.
• 1:43
  Apryl: And the way you answer, it's gonna shape how your child thinks about them for years to come.
• 1:51
  Apryl: That's what we're unpacking today.
• 1:54
  Apryl: Um, we're going to talk all about how to talk to your child about ADHD in a way that builds understanding and not shame.
• 2:03
  Apryl: So without further ado, let's dive in.
• 2:08
  Apryl: When your kid asks this question, one thing that we need to know is obviously kids are super smart and they already know that something's different.
• 2:20
  Apryl: They notice they're getting in trouble more, or school feels harder for them than their friends.
• 2:25
  Apryl: They notice that they are more active than their friends.
• 2:29
  Apryl: Brian, you actually had a moment like this in second grade, right?
• 2:33
  Brian: Oh yeah.
• 2:34
  Brian: Uh, Spencer, if you're out there, you probably remember this as well.
• 2:38
  Brian: I'm I'm hanging out with Spencer and he looks at me and he goes, Hey, does it embarrass you that you're always in trouble?
• 2:43
  Brian: And I'm like, uh, I'm not always in trouble.
• 2:47
  Brian: And he's he goes, Your name's your name's constantly on the board, dude.
• 2:51
  Brian: And I'm like, Yeah, well, everybody's name's constantly on the board.
• 2:54
  Brian: I I don't get checks though, I just get my name on the board.
• 2:57
  Apryl: Welcome to the shame of the 90s.
• 3:00
  Apryl: Name on the board with checks.
• 3:02
  Brian: With checks.
• 3:04
  Apryl: So your kid knows that they're different, or just like what happened with Brian, kids are gonna point it out.
• 3:11
  Apryl: And so that's why this conversation that we're having today is so important.
• 3:18
  Apryl: And talking with your child about ADHD, naming what's going on with them isn't a burden, it's a gift, and it gives clarity and a narrative that will shape your child for years to come.
• 3:33
  Apryl: This conversation is going to be the narrative that is shaping them, and and it's the narrative that's going to happen in their head.
• 3:42
  Apryl: So, what we're gonna do today is we're going to talk about the questions they may ask and how to respond to them.
• 3:51
  Apryl: But first, Brian wanted to make sure that you knew this.
• 3:56
  Brian: Right.
• 3:56
  Brian: I want you to practice this before you do it.
• 4:00
  Brian: You need to figure out a way to present this very factually and in a positive light and with no shame, because however you emotionally react to this question is how your child's gonna put that emotion and and his self-worth or their self-worth is gonna hinge on how you react to this.
• 4:19
  Brian: So it needs to be practice it in the car, just run it through your head so that when the question comes up, it just can roll off and just be like, Oh, well, let me tell you.
• 4:26
  Apryl: I would say also, along with this, with practicing, having these conversations, you know, playing the scenario out in your head.
• 4:35
  Apryl: Um, but also if you have issues with it, because you know, it's not always easy to know that your kid has ADHD, or not always easy to deal with parenting a kid with ADHD.
• 4:48
  Apryl: And so you making sure that you've worked through the emotions of what you're dealing with with ADHD before you have these conversations is also going to help too, because your emotions are going to reflect in this conversation if you haven't, you know, had time to work through those.
• 5:05
  Brian: Right.
• 5:06
  Brian: Yep.
• 5:06
  Brian: You yeah, you if you're feeling shame, your child's gonna sense that.
• 5:10
  Apryl: Yes.
• 5:11
  Apryl: So let's get practical here.
• 5:13
  Apryl: What do you actually say when your kids ask these hard questions like, what's wrong with me?
• 5:19
  Apryl: So let's start with that one.
• 5:21
  Apryl: What's wrong with me?
• 5:22
  Apryl: Brian, how would you respond to that question?
• 5:26
  Brian: I mean, very first, nothing is wrong with you.
• 5:29
  Brian: Uh, and you need to explain to them why that they may be feeling this way.
• 5:35
  Brian: And you can tell them that your brain's working a little differently.
• 5:38
  Brian: Your brain is very fast and full of energy and full of ideas, and this sometimes results in you getting in trouble or getting out of your seat when you're not supposed to, and things like this.
• 5:50
  Brian: And you can express it in a way that it's this is what makes you unique, this isn't what makes you bad.
• 5:56
  Apryl: Yes, and I think one thing to note with all of these questions that we're gonna go through is it's responding in a way that is age appropriate for your kid.
• 6:05
  Apryl: So, for example, like what's wrong with me, you can relate it to uh we're gonna talk about some books.
• 6:11
  Apryl: One of them is My Brain is a Race Car.
• 6:13
  Apryl: You can relate it to your brain's like a race car, it goes super fast, which is awesome.
• 6:18
  Apryl: But also, sometimes race cars have to have things like stronger brakes, and your brakes don't work as well as your race car does.
• 6:28
  Apryl: So we've got to figure that out, right?
• 6:30
  Apryl: Um, but a teenager probably doesn't want to hear that.
• 6:34
  Brian: Yeah, the teenagers are gonna roll his eyes if you're like, you're like a race car.
• 6:38
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 6:38
  Apryl: And so, you know, responding more in like the no, you're not broken, nothing's wrong with you, but your brain works in a different way.
• 6:46
  Apryl: And here and you could with a teenager, you could actually talk about the different ways the brain works and explaining it to them that way.
• 6:54
  Brian: Yeah, really get more nut and bolt with the with the teens.
• 6:57
  Apryl: Yeah, and being like, hey, we're a team on this, we're gonna work through this together, you're gonna be aware of it the whole step of the way we're working through this together.
• 7:07
  Apryl: So just make note of that as we go through these questions too, is depending on the age of the child, you're gonna respond in an age-appropriate way.
• 7:17
  Apryl: Yes.
• 7:18
  Apryl: So another question, um, especially for the little little kids, teens, even let's be honest, even adults do not understand what ADHD is.
• 7:29
  Apryl: That's why we have episode number one.
• 7:31
  Apryl: So I would definitely recommend going back to episode number one and listening to that if you haven't.
• 7:35
  Apryl: Um, but when they ask, what is ADHD?
• 7:38
  Apryl: When you're like, hey, you have ADHD, and they're like, What's ADHD?
• 7:42
  Brian: Right.
• 7:42
  Brian: And the way to do this with kids is give them some of those characteristics that that makes them unique.
• 7:47
  Brian: And you can say, Well, this means your brain loves new ideas and it loves movement and it loves excitement and loud noises and sometimes playing too rough on the playground, and some of these things that makes your child unique, and it kind of gives a name to some of like some of their behaviors.
• 8:07
  Apryl: And again, making sure that they realize ADHD isn't bad, it's just how your brain works.
• 8:16
  Brian: And you could even compare this, like some kids have brown hair, some kids have red hair, some kids have ADHD, some kids don't.
• 8:22
  Apryl: There's nothing wrong with them.
• 8:24
  Apryl: It's just where genetic things are differently.
• 8:27
  Apryl: So another one, why do I always get in trouble?
• 8:29
  Brian: This is where you gotta explain to them.
• 8:31
  Brian: So with ADHD, your brain reacts really fast, and it's not that you're a bad kid or you're intending to do problems or or cause problems or things like this.
• 8:42
  Brian: It's that your brain moves fast and you have a different a difficult time slowing it down.
• 8:47
  Apryl: Mm-hmm.
• 8:48
  Apryl: And I think one thing that's important here for kids to understand too, is they need to understand that not everyone understands this, especially teachers.
• 8:59
  Apryl: They don't understand how their brain works.
• 9:01
  Apryl: And so when they don't realize, like, oh, my brain's going way faster than the other kids, and I get bored faster, and this is what's happening in my brain when I get bored, then they do tend to get in trouble because they don't understand.
• 9:16
  Apryl: And so when kids can use those words, like my brain works faster, and so I get bored easier.
• 9:23
  Apryl: Even if you talk to your kids about that when having that understanding of that, not everyone understands, and people don't have the empathy, I guess, because they don't understand.
• 9:32
  Apryl: Letting them know that and know, hey, again, nothing is wrong with you.
• 9:36
  Apryl: Like this, you're not broken.
• 9:39
  Apryl: Um, but also letting them know that there are things that we can do to put in place that we're gonna work on.
• 9:47
  Apryl: Like as your mom, I'm gonna help you because I'm learning this too, especially if your kids just gotten diagnosed and you're having this conversation.
• 9:55
  Apryl: Like, hey, we're in this together, we're a team, and we're gonna try things, and there's things that we can put into place to help with this.
• 10:01
  Apryl: And if you get in trouble, we're gonna learn from that, and we're gonna try to figure out how to make that so we can make that better.
• 10:08
  Apryl: Absolutely.
• 10:09
  Apryl: So, next question then is will I always have ADHD?
• 10:13
  Brian: Yeah, and this one is it's pretty clear, yes, you're you're always gonna have ADHD.
• 10:19
  Brian: The number of kids that like truly outgrow ADHD is very low, and for the most part, it's masking and coping skills and things like this that are that are kind of changing that outlook more than your brain chemistry.
• 10:32
  Brian: And so you can be very factual, yes, you're always gonna have ADHD, and that's not a bad thing.
• 10:38
  Apryl: You can point out people who have ADHD, people that their kids look up to, uh, one that a lot of elementary kids will know, and teenagers, because he's been around for a bit.
• 10:48
  Apryl: Dave Pilke.
• 10:50
  Apryl: He's the one who wrote Dogman.
• 10:52
  Apryl: And one of the characters in Dogman is 80, which is 80HD.
• 10:58
  Apryl: And it's because Dave Pilke spent a lot of his elementary school out in the hall because he had ADHD.
• 11:05
  Apryl: But like bringing people, you know, like pointing good examples of people with ADHD, successful people, you know, they've gone on, and I mean they don't want to be like crazy successful, but people can like you're still gonna grow up and you're gonna do great things.
• 11:23
  Brian: Yeah.
• 11:23
  Brian: Figure out who your who your child likes, and there's almost for surely gonna be somebody in that realm or in that world that has ADHD.
• 11:30
  Brian: There's tons of sports figures, there's tons of celebrities.
• 11:33
  Brian: It's like Justin Timberlake, Emma Watson.
• 11:36
  Brian: Like all these people have ADHD.
• 11:38
  Brian: It's 11% of the population.
• 11:39
  Brian: There's gonna be somebody that your child looks up to that has ADHD.
• 11:43
  Apryl: I think letting kids know that too.
• 11:45
  Apryl: Like, hey, like ADHD isn't rare.
• 11:49
  Apryl: One in ten have it.
• 11:52
  Apryl: One in eleven.
• 11:54
  Brian: It'd be unusual if you're if somebody else in your class didn't have it.
• 11:57
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 11:57
  Apryl: Like you're not alone in this.
• 11:59
  Apryl: And so, and I think letting them know that too, like, hey, yeah, you do have this, but there's a lot of people who have this, and like, we're gonna figure it out.
• 12:09
  Brian: Yeah, and this is also a good time for self-disclosure if you're one of the ADHD parents.
• 12:14
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 12:15
  Brian: Highly genetic, there's a good chance you have it, and this is the time to disclose, and and we're going through this together.
• 12:21
  Apryl: Yep, exactly.
• 12:23
  Apryl: And and you can even point out things.
• 12:25
  Apryl: I was just watching Brian as we're recording this.
• 12:28
  Apryl: He's playing with a squishy ball.
• 12:31
  Apryl: Like pointing things out like that as a parent.
• 12:33
  Apryl: Like, hey, you may notice that I shake my leg or I like to play with things when I'm talking or whatever.
• 12:40
  Apryl: That's because I have ADHD too.
• 12:42
  Apryl: Isn't that cool?
• 12:43
  Apryl: Like, we both have it.
• 12:44
  Apryl: So, you know, like just being able to have those conversations.
• 12:47
  Apryl: The main key to all of these conversations, like any any of these questions is number one, just reassuring them that they're not broken and they're not bad.
• 12:58
  Apryl: Because that's one of those recurring things that they're going to think.
• 13:03
  Apryl: That's the narrative they're going to create in their head.
• 13:06
  Apryl: If we're not creating a different narrative for them, because as we know, sadly, these kids are the ones who get in trouble more.
• 13:15
  Apryl: They're the ones who are getting the constant reminders pay attention, pay attention, pay attention.
• 13:19
  Apryl: And so when we can create that narrative for them of like, hey, you're not broken.
• 13:26
  Apryl: Like your brain is awesome.
• 13:27
  Apryl: It's a race car.
• 13:28
  Apryl: We've just got to figure out the right tools and get it tuned right with these right tools so that it can win the race.
• 13:36
  Brian: Right.
• 13:36
  Brian: And kind of going along with that, one other question that comes up a lot with kids is why do I have to take medications?
• 13:44
  Apryl: Yes.
• 13:45
  Brian: And the answer to that is gonna kind of depend on age.
• 13:48
  Brian: But for the really young kids, an analogy I've heard is it's like glasses, but for your brain.
• 13:53
  Brian: This is what caused everything to come into focus and things should just be clear for you.
• 13:59
  Apryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:59
  Apryl: And then for your tweens?
• 14:02
  Brian: Yeah, tweens, teens.
• 14:03
  Brian: I mean, it's kind of the same thing.
• 14:04
  Brian: And you can go over like individual characteristics of well, the reason you're taking the medication is remember that last summer or or last spring when you had a difficulty in science class and you weren't able to get all your assignments done.
• 14:17
  Brian: This this helps with that.
• 14:19
  Apryl: Yeah, and I think that those teenage, especially those earlier teenage years, are a lot harder than the later teenage years.
• 14:27
  Apryl: Having that conversation of you don't want to take medication?
• 14:31
  Apryl: Well, let's try it for a day and let's have a conversation about what happened that day when you didn't take your medication.
• 14:39
  Apryl: How did you feel?
• 14:40
  Apryl: How was class, you know?
• 14:41
  Apryl: And being able to have those conversations with your kid instead of just like you have to take medication because I said so.
• 14:48
  Apryl: That never works with kids.
• 14:49
  Brian: Then it's gonna be a fight and they're just waiting for the opportunity so they can have their own freedom and and stop it.
• 14:54
  Apryl: Mm-hmm.
• 14:55
  Apryl: So yeah, just being able to, I love the analogy of the classes for the younger kids, and then really working with the older kids to, you know, make it a team effort, not a me against you effort.
• 15:09
  Brian: Right.
• 15:10
  Apryl: Um, one thing I'm gonna, you know, as the former elementary school teacher, I love using books to help kids understand and you know create understanding and they use analogies, all those things.
• 15:28
  Apryl: So here are a few of my favorite books to help kids understand.
• 15:33
  Apryl: And these can actually be really, really great ways to start that conversation um with your kids.
• 15:39
  Apryl: You know, if they ask you what's going on, um, what's wrong with me, you know, if you they ask any of those questions, be like, hey, actually, I have a book.
• 15:47
  Apryl: Let's let's pull out this book and let's read this book together, and then you can have the conversation with them.
• 15:51
  Apryl: Um, one of my very favorites is My Brain is a Race Car by Nessie Learning, and it's all about literally talking about how the brain's a race car, but has trouble with the brakes.
• 16:02
  Apryl: Um, another super fun one is All Dogs Have ADHD by Kathy Hoopman.
• 16:07
  Apryl: And this has, you know, pictures of dogs, and it goes through um why dogs have ADHD and really pulls out like the different issues that you may come up with, but putting names to, you know, like the inattentive and things like that with ADHD.
• 16:23
  Apryl: But it it's like you could laugh about it and have a good conversation, a very good conversation starter.
• 16:28
  Apryl: One that's good for older kids is a kid's book about ADHD by Ellie Booth.
• 16:34
  Apryl: It's honest and straightforward.
• 16:36
  Apryl: Um, so it's great for those older kids who want clear answers.
• 16:40
  Apryl: So if you don't know how to start the conversation or they ask the question and again, you don't know how to go into it and explain it, pull out a picture book.
• 16:51
  Apryl: Picture books are a great, great way to help teach the answers to these questions.
• 16:58
  Brian: Right.
• 16:59
  Brian: So when your child asks, What's wrong with me, you're not gonna freeze.
• 17:02
  Brian: You're gonna have the words ready.
• 17:04
  Brian: These, you know, kind of kind of rehash again, practice this and do it with no shame.
• 17:10
  Brian: And the emotion you put into this is the emotion that your child's gonna put with their ADHD diagnosis for the rest of their lives.
• 17:17
  Brian: And so if you go into it like, hey, yeah, let's talk about this, then your child's gonna view it with that.
• 17:23
  Brian: If you walk into this with, oh geez, uh, do we have to talk about that?
• 17:27
  Brian: Your child's instantly gonna feel the shame, and then that's gonna be how they attribute their ADHD for I mean, for a a long time.
• 17:35
  Apryl: Yeah.
• 17:35
  Apryl: And another thing going along with that is don't make it weird.
• 17:41
  Apryl: Like, don't be like, oh, let's let's have this conversation one-on-one where your brother and sister can't hear about here or whisper it like, oh, you have ADHD.
• 17:51
  Apryl: That's why.
• 17:52
  Apryl: Don't do that.
• 17:53
  Apryl: This should be an open conversation that your kid feels comfortable talking to you about anytime they want to, and it should be an open conversation with your other kids too.
• 18:05
  Apryl: If Johnny has ADHD, what does that mean?
• 18:07
  Apryl: Well, let's talk about it as a family.
• 18:09
  Apryl: This should be an open and honest conversation with everyone in your family.
• 18:14
  Brian: Right.
• 18:15
  Brian: And it it there's nothing shameful about it, anyways.
• 18:17
  Brian: So it doesn't need to be hidden if this if you're if you had a kid with autism or a kid that needed glasses or just any sort of medical anything, you wouldn't hide it from the family.
• 18:26
  Brian: There's no reason to hide this.
• 18:28
  Apryl: It's not a stigma.
• 18:29
  Apryl: We need to get rid of the stigma, and it starts with this conversation right here.
• 18:33
  Apryl: Again, this conversation is one of the most important conversations that you're gonna have with your kids.
• 18:41
  Apryl: So plan for it, prepare for it, know what ADHD is yourself so you can have that conversation with them.
• 18:50
  Apryl: Go back and listen to episode one if you need more recap on that, and don't make it shameful.
• 18:55
  Apryl: Those are the keys to talking to your kiddo about ADHD.
• 19:00
  Brian: Yep.
• 19:01
  Brian: And we're releasing this podcast on September 29th, which means that Wednesday is the last one.
• 19:08
  Brian: Oh no, Wednesday is the first day of October, which is uh ADHD Awareness Month.
• 19:14
  Brian: Yep.
• 19:15
  Apryl: So we're gonna have some fun things going on, some giveaways and some awesome things.
• 19:19
  Apryl: So make sure you're following us on Instagram at raising ADHD underscore org.
• 19:25
  Apryl: So come find us there because um the giveaways, things like that, we'll be talking about them here on the podcast, but then also there on Instagram as well.
• 19:32
  Apryl: So we will see you there and happy because we won't be having an episode yet, but happy first of October and happy um ADHD awareness month.
• 19:44
  Apryl: All right, we'll see you next week.
• 19:46
  Apryl: Same time, same place.
• 19:47
  Brian: Thanks so much for joining us for today's conversation on raising ADHD.
• 19:51
  Brian: Remember, raising ADHD kids doesn't have to feel overwhelming.
• 19:54
  Brian: Small shifts can make a big difference.
• 19:57
  Brian: If you found this episode helpful, it would mean the world if you would hit subscribe, if you would leave a review, or if you shared it with another parent or teacher who needs this support.
• 20:06
  Brian: And don't forget to join us next week for more real talk, practical tips, and encouragement.
• 20:11
  Brian: Until then, you've got this, and we've got your back.