Latest / The Parenting Podcast / What's wrong with my kid? Is this normal? (pt. 2) | Ep. 114

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What's wrong with my kid? Is this normal? (pt. 2) | Ep. 114 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey there parents, Cheryl Lang here, thrilled to be diving into another episode of the Parenting Podcast with you.
• 0:15
  Today we're again tackling a burning question straight from fellow parents like you.
• 0:22
  So what's wrong with my kid?
• 0:26
  From juggling events to connecting with your preteen, we delve into the joys and challenges of normal parenting.
• 0:35
  So thank you for tuning in and we hope this time together serves as a refreshing break in your busy day.
• 0:43
  Let's jump in.
• 0:52
  Ellen: Christy, how is the traffic coming here?
• 0:54
  Ellen: Oh
• 0:55
  Christie: my goodness, I, so Got stuck behind a train, but not just a train, the train that stopped on the tracks.
• 1:02
  Christie: I just, I turned to my daughter and said, they travel hundreds of miles through countryside and nothingness.
• 1:10
  Christie: Why do they choose in the middle of downtown to stop on the tracks?
• 1:14
  Christie: So we had to go around under the bridge.
• 1:16
  Christie: But then of course, everyone else in town had to go around and under in the same, under the same bridge.
• 1:20
  Christie: Because there's only
• 1:21
  Cheryl: one that goes under.
• 1:22
  Cheryl: You know, and how long do you sit here thinking?
• 1:26
  Cheryl: Do I turn around and go, or do I wait for them to move?
• 1:30
  Christie: Right, and then sure enough, by the time I got to the other side and I'm walking past, I look over and I see, yes, now it's moving.
• 1:37
  Ellen: And it seemed like for a while, the city was requiring them to be a little bit better about that, because I know when we first moved here, it was very miserable, and your life kind of depended on where the train was.
• 1:49
  Ellen: Yes.
• 1:51
  Ellen: Quote, fixed it,
• 1:52
  Christie: but they don't have
• 1:53
  Cheryl: a world problem.
• 1:56
  Cheryl: Well,
• 1:57
  Ellen: those of us who tend to run late, it is a
• 1:59
  Christie: problem.
• 2:01
  Ellen: Today I was so preoccupied talking about the train and that would explain the traffic.
• 2:05
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 2:05
  Ellen: Because there was so much traffic and I was complaining to Cheryl how bad it was.
• 2:09
  Ellen: So I kind of went a backwards way.
• 2:11
  Ellen: But then I've been kind of stressed lately and I realized, I don't even know
• 2:14
  Christie: where I'm going.
• 2:15
  Christie: Where am I supposed to be?
• 2:18
  Christie: It's
• 2:19
  Carol: a mess.
• 2:20
  Carol: I was surprised.
• 2:21
  Carol: Yes.
• 2:21
  Carol: Because I got here faster than I usually do.
• 2:25
  Carol: You win the ribbon.
• 2:27
  Carol: But it's interesting, Ellen, you're talking about memory and some people talk about, you know, when do I need to be concerned?
• 2:34
  Carol: Yeah.
• 2:34
  Carol: I recently saw an article on memory psychologist say, don't worry about like going out in the big parking lot and you don't remember where you parked your car.
• 2:45
  Carol: Um, he said, that's okay.
• 2:47
  Carol: It's if you can't remember how you got here.
• 2:50
  Christie: Yeah, that's good.
• 2:52
  Christie: Yeah, that's really helpful.
• 2:54
  Christie: The worst place for me is like Target or Walmart because both all of the targets in the Walmarts are different sides.
• 3:01
  Christie: So the grocery is on one side of this one, the groceries on this side on the other.
• 3:05
  Christie: So I feel like I'm crazy every time I go because I have to remember which target I'm at, which side I parked on.
• 3:10
  Christie: I feel like the world is working against me.
• 3:12
  Christie: me.
• 3:12
  Christie: Well,
• 3:13
  Cheryl: 2020 has helped me because I have almost everything ordered now.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: I
• 3:16
  Ellen: was going to say.
• 3:17
  Ellen: And I can remember many times I've got a red car, having friends going, Ellen, you're going in the wrong car.
• 3:23
  Ellen: It's like, oh,
• 3:24
  Christie: no, I know, it's somebody else's red car.
• 3:28
  Christie: So,
• 3:28
  Cheryl: not really paying attention.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: And my problem is my car looks like about.
• 3:31
  Cheryl: 10, 000.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Everyone else.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Every parking lot.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: Oh, big problems.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: Big problems.
• 3:38
  Cheryl: All right, so speaking of problems, uh, we're going to do a second in a series we've been doing, uh, of parents that wrote us in response to a question I sent out to them.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: So listeners, get in touch with us.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: If you want to be one of the people that send us ideas, let us know.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: We'll be glad to let you know.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: How about shooting us that question that we aren't getting answered here, or the subject you want us to talk about?
• 4:06
  Cheryl: We would love to do it, wouldn't we?
• 4:08
  Cheryl: Yes, absolutely.
• 4:09
  Cheryl: All right, so, I kind of sent out to him and said, Shoot me some circumstances where You talk about and you say, what's wrong with my kid which we last time said we've
• 4:23
  Christie: all
• 4:24
  Cheryl: been there multiple times, particularly when they kind of gang up against you and you go, what's wrong with all of my kids.
• 4:31
  Cheryl: It's crazy here.
• 4:33
  Cheryl: All right, so let's look at this first one.
• 4:36
  Cheryl: Uh, from a parent that says, Oh, they went to their older daughter's concert, but they have a four year old also.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: And all right, so here's what the parents sent us.
• 4:50
  Cheryl: I swear my kid's the only kid who cannot sit quiet during a concert.
• 4:55
  Cheryl: There are babies and other toddlers sitting still and quietly, and I'm the only one who ends up spending the entire concert out in the hall.
• 5:03
  Cheryl: It makes me so mad and discouraged, like I'm obviously doing something wrong.
• 5:09
  Cheryl: She's been coming to these over the years since she was a baby, and and she still can't sit freaking chill.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: I bring toys, colors, her tablet and snacks.
• 5:18
  Cheryl: Nothing will occupy her when she's in the auditorium.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: She's now four years old and she just wants to yell and run around.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: So.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Oh man.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: what's wrong with my kid Well,
• 5:30
  Ellen: maybe it's the child going, please don't send me to any more concerts where I have to sit quietly.
• 5:35
  Ellen: She just may be temperament wise not ready to do that yet, and you should consider getting a
• 5:42
  Christie: babysitter.
• 5:42
  Christie: Which is so hard, because I, you know, my kids were the gap of seven years, top to bottom, and I remember being in these situations where the little ones had to go along with me to the big ones events, or, um, you know, sometimes it was the big ones mad that they had to be at the little kids stuff, but.
• 6:00
  Christie: You know, they were a little easier to, to explain, but yeah, I, I understand the, the hardship of, you know, dragging a whole slew of little kids to older kid events.
• 6:12
  Christie: It's really challenging.
• 6:14
  Cheryl: There is a case.
• 6:15
  Cheryl: So let's look at what are the challenges.
• 6:18
  Cheryl: I mean, I identify with this.
• 6:21
  Cheryl: I mean, unless you have a full time nanny, right?
• 6:25
  Cheryl: Your children go places.
• 6:27
  Cheryl: And so it is something.
• 6:29
  Cheryl: But you
• 6:29
  Ellen: know, sometimes it is just the temperament of a child.
• 6:32
  Ellen: That's
• 6:32
  Cheryl: true.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: Because look at this.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: It says the others are sitting still.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: Again, that's the parents
• 6:38
  Christie: perception.
• 6:38
  Christie: Right.
• 6:39
  Christie: It feels like everyone else's kids are best in the room.
• 6:42
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:42
  Christie: Because I've
• 6:43
  Ellen: been in the hall many a times with, you know, having five children with the big, big age differences from the oldest to the youngest.
• 6:50
  Ellen: And I just accept it.
• 6:51
  Ellen: It is.
• 6:52
  Ellen: That's what I have to do right now because they're not ready yet.
• 6:56
  Ellen: So staying out in the hall with the younger one or the fussy one is just what you do.
• 7:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 7:03
  Ellen: Which
• 7:03
  Christie: can feel hard when you're wanting to support your older child and be there.
• 7:07
  Christie: It may be that.
• 7:09
  Christie: Because I can also understand wanting the siblings to go and support their older siblings.
• 7:15
  Christie: So maybe that you invite, you know, someone to come with you, a babysitter or someone to come along with you and help take the child out in the hall.
• 7:22
  Christie: Yeah, because
• 7:23
  Cheryl: with FOMO, you don't want to be as mature as what Ellen's talking about.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: I'm saying, oh, I just go out and miss all of it Because there are a lot of dynamics going on here.
• 7:32
  Cheryl: Because if you look at what they wrote, they said, They've been coming all these years, and now they won't sit still.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: What do y'all think might be behind that?
• 7:41
  Cheryl: Well,
• 7:42
  Christie: now they have the, uh, maturity and insight that they have autonomy, and they can go and do fun things right in the hall and, and play around, rather than when they were babies, they didn't know they had that option.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Christy, that's really good, I think that's really good perspective.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Which has helped me, which should come decades ago, the idea that you first introduced when you said, remember when they're fussing in bed as babies, they're learning to differentiate from you, they're beginning the, the separation process, and it's healthy.
• 8:15
  Cheryl: And yeah, you know when that two year old says, no! That actually, that's a healthy development, so the first thing I would say to these parents is there's nothing wrong here.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: This is developmental.
• 8:29
  Christie: Right.
• 8:30
  Ellen: But maybe wrong expectation on the parents part.
• 8:32
  Ellen: And what's that?
• 8:33
  Ellen: Uh, for Each child, you have to look at each child differently.
• 8:36
  Ellen: I've had some four year olds that you could take anywhere and they would politely sit there and not make a peep.
• 8:42
  Ellen: I've had other four year olds that, you know, they were like eight before they didn't, they couldn't sit still.
• 8:48
  Ellen: So, you know, you have to know your child and know, okay, this is going to be a harder situation.
• 8:53
  Ellen: So I'm either going to be out in the hall, or like you said, Christy, maybe bring a teenage friend to walk the child in the hall or leave them with friends.
• 9:02
  Ellen: You know, and don't have the expectations that they're going to sit there quietly, right?
• 9:06
  Ellen: Especially since I know in my family my two oldest were really mellow kids.
• 9:11
  Ellen: So everybody would come up and go You've got the best kids but it part of it too was their temper.
• 9:17
  Ellen: Yes And then our middle child was the start of loud noises and
• 9:24
  Christie: wigglies.
• 9:25
  Christie: Or like I like to call it, the point of humbling.
• 9:27
  Christie: Yes, true.
• 9:29
  Ellen: Not
• 9:29
  Christie: hers, but yours.
• 9:30
  Christie: Mine, yes.
• 9:31
  Christie: Exactly.
• 9:31
  Ellen: And they were redhead,
• 9:32
  Christie: Christy.
• 9:33
  Christie: Oh, well, that happens too.
• 9:35
  Christie: That's a factor.
• 9:36
  Christie: Christy's our resident redhead.
• 9:39
  Christie: Um, yeah, I think expectations are really important because like, like we're saying, I had some four year olds that could handle a lot more than other four year olds or, you know, gosh, even younger that the older ones could maybe handle a lot more, but I, I think having a realistic expectation for that child and then at home working to push them a little farther, you know, just expecting a little more from them each time and practicing reminding them of how we act here and how we don't act here.
• 10:16
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 10:17
  Cheryl: Yeah, I would say, I think the answer first, like you said, expectations.
• 10:23
  Cheryl: And then training, which another way is practice.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: And, uh, I mean, learning to be able to sit still.
• 10:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 10:33
  Cheryl: And of course I wouldn't take a child to a concert if they didn't have things to do.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: We would have quiet things to do.
• 10:40
  Cheryl: Um, but the idea of training, I had a mom ask me one time, So how do I do that?
• 10:47
  Cheryl: Well, start with a minute.
• 10:49
  Cheryl: You know, and you can do it fun, different ways, but they just practice sitting and they can have something in their lap, but they have to do it, and if you can't do a minute, do 30 seconds, and then you can't jump from 30 seconds to 3 hours, but you begin to just practice and then you I like what you said about preparing them before you go, because we would have those conversations.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: You know, we're going into a place, for me, if I go into any medical place, I don't want my children touching things.
• 11:18
  Cheryl: I don't want them down on the floor.
• 11:20
  Cheryl: We don't ever play with the toys or the books that they have waiting, because who has been playing with us?
• 11:26
  Cheryl: The sick children.
• 11:27
  Cheryl: We don't want to take any of that home.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: The
• 11:28
  Ellen: kid in the corner that looks pukey
• 11:30
  Cheryl: just got through the door.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: So we would take things with us, but we would talk about, okay, we're going to go, but see untrained you couldn't expect a two or four year old to just sit with you, but that slow working of expanding their attention span, we called it
• 11:48
  Ellen: library manners because the kids knew when they went to the library.
• 11:52
  Ellen: Sometimes we went for story time and stuff, but you had to be Quiet voices.
• 11:56
  Ellen: You can't run around.
• 11:57
  Ellen: Very good.
• 11:58
  Ellen: And so, okay, this is library manners time.
• 12:00
  Ellen: Oh, I like that.
• 12:01
  Ellen: So they kind of got in their head because we went to the library frequently enough that they got it.
• 12:05
  Ellen: And so we'd have to do a quiet thing.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: And then practice it.
• 12:09
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 12:10
  Cheryl: You know, extend it
• 12:11
  Ellen: I know our friends used to think it was really funny because We would correct our children sometimes, especially for minor infractions, by having to sit on the sofa with a book or a toy, and they had to stay there with the timer on.
• 12:25
  Ellen: And so that's a double, a double good thing because it's teaching them how to sit quietly.
• 12:31
  Cheryl: And it's a
• 12:31
  Ellen: consequence.
• 12:32
  Ellen: Yes, it's the consequence, but it's not horrible.
• 12:35
  Cheryl: So you're just doubling up on that.
• 12:37
  Cheryl: The training we're talking about it's not a consequence.
• 12:39
  Cheryl: We're just trying to like you practice your multiplication.
• 12:42
  Cheryl: Yeah tables And one thing sometimes we would go and I would talk with my kids at home and I would show it we practice it Okay, we're going maybe it was older person's lovely home Or a store with a lot of breakables.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: And I would say, this is a store that you look with your eyes, not your hands.
• 13:09
  Cheryl: And so what we talked about is, if you choose to start looking with your hands, then you have to hold your hands behind your back.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: So we practice at home, and then we're going to go, remember, We look with our eyes.
• 13:21
  Cheryl: And of course, I'm showing y'all with my body showing.
• 13:24
  Cheryl: Look with your eyes, not your hands.
• 13:26
  Cheryl: And some had to hold their hands behind their back because they just could not touch the pretty bauble.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: I would always
• 13:32
  Ellen: tell them, this is like your Nana's house.
• 13:35
  Ellen: Oh, my mom had this gorgeous home that was professionally decorated.
• 13:40
  Ellen: I guess she didn't think she was having grandchildren.
• 13:43
  Ellen: She wound up with like 20 of them.
• 13:45
  Ellen: And so their living room was, I barely, I mean, I enjoyed sitting in there, but you know, you couldn't invite really young kids in there because everything from the coffee table was glass to the really expensive ornaments on top of it.
• 13:59
  Ellen: And so it was.
• 14:01
  Ellen: Good training though.
• 14:02
  Ellen: The kids would want to come in and they would do this, what you were saying, sure.
• 14:04
  Ellen: They put their hands behind their back and they'd lean into the thing so they could look at it.
• 14:10
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 14:10
  Ellen: And I've had at least one child that licked things.
• 14:15
  Christie: There's always someone in every family.
• 14:18
  Ellen: Yes, he licked the Christmas tree ornament because he couldn't touch it.
• 14:21
  Christie: Well, sensory input.
• 14:24
  Christie: I will say it with understanding and compassion for the mom that is struggling to keep her child entertained, is to not take the tablet or the phone and hand it to the child.
• 14:34
  Christie: I understand the temptation, but if you're wanting long game results, then yes, it would be to take something non digital to get the
• 14:43
  Cheryl: child.
• 14:43
  Ellen: It's true.
• 14:44
  Carol: Well, in the training..
• 14:44
  Carol: The problem is, and we all know it, we know the science, but a device such an easy fix.
• 14:51
  Carol: You talked about long game.
• 14:52
  Carol: The long game is every time I use a device to satisfy and bring peace to them and interest and entertainment.
• 15:01
  Carol: Right.
• 15:01
  Carol: that's Messing with that learning to sit still.
• 15:03
  Christie: You're fighting against yourself.
• 15:05
  Christie: Really are.
• 15:05
  Christie: For the long game.
• 15:06
  Christie: Yes, exactly.
• 15:07
  Christie: As opposed to
• 15:08
  Ellen: saying, go sit on the sofa and read this book.
• 15:11
  Ellen: Because there's something calming about reading a children's book.
• 15:15
  Ellen: You know, even if they don't read, they look at the pictures, and it's calming.
• 15:19
  Ellen: I
• 15:19
  Christie: think there's another layer here that at four, you could start bringing into, and not so much that it's Guilting a child that they should feel a certain way, but I think it's appropriate at this age to start saying, Hey, you know.
• 15:36
  Christie: You love sister.
• 15:37
  Christie: You want to, you know, she's worked so hard to learn, you know, her piano or whatever the performance is.
• 15:44
  Christie: And we want to celebrate all the things she's accomplished.
• 15:48
  Christie: We want to hear her, you know, start teaching to the heart and the relationship in the situation.
• 15:53
  Christie: And then even, I mean, four, I think, could understand pretty easily.
• 15:57
  Christie: Hey, you know, you have your gymnastics thing.
• 15:59
  Christie: How would it feel if sister didn't want to come or didn't want to watch you?
• 16:03
  Christie: That would make you sad, wouldn't it?
• 16:04
  Christie: Again, not in a way that would be guilting or shameful.
• 16:07
  Christie: Just to understand.
• 16:08
  Christie: Yeah, just to remember, you know, hey, this is relational.
• 16:10
  Christie: We want to go and watch her and her performance.
• 16:13
  Christie: Excellent.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: That's good.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: So, four year old not sitting still.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Is there anything wrong with this child?
• 16:20
  Cheryl: No.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: No.
• 16:21
  Cheryl: Okay, so it's normal again.
• 16:24
  Cheryl: All right, here's one more, uh, that one of our great listeners sent in.
• 16:30
  Cheryl: My 12 year old son just doesn't talk to me like he used to.
• 16:35
  Cheryl: We've been good friends and laughed together and we've had a good relationship, and now he just doesn't want to open up like he used to.
• 16:43
  Cheryl: I just want to know, what's wrong with my kid Or is this normal?
• 16:49
  Cheryl: is there something wrong?
• 16:51
  Ellen: Well, I think it's really normal.
• 16:54
  Ellen: Whether it's boy or girl, right around that age, they're doing the start to kind of break away.
• 17:01
  Ellen: You know, they're not the cooperative elementary school age kid.
• 17:06
  Ellen: They're, you know, starting to want some more independence, free thoughts.
• 17:10
  Ellen: They want to do things the way they want to do.
• 17:12
  Ellen: And they're getting a lot of feelings that they don't know how to put words to, you know, so it's kind of can be overwhelming.
• 17:18
  Ellen: Maybe they got their feelings hurt, but they don't want to say when they were little, they'd come in and cry on your shoulder and go, so and so said this.
• 17:26
  Ellen: Now they don't, you know, they have pride, they feel embarrassed.
• 17:29
  Ellen: They were, they don't want to come in.
• 17:30
  Ellen: They were mean to me.
• 17:32
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:32
  Ellen: So some of them are just learning to develop their own sense of figuring things out within themselves.
• 17:38
  Christie: Mm
• 17:39
  Carol: hmm.
• 17:40
  Carol: it's hard because I feel the rejection this parent feels.
• 17:45
  Cheryl: I haven't changed and I miss what we had.
• 17:49
  Christie: Well, yeah, the relationship is evolving and it's not, it's not going to always be the way it is right now.
• 17:58
  Christie: Good, good, bad and ugly.
• 18:00
  Christie: It will circle back around where you have some connection again, especially since it sounds like the foundation has been laid.
• 18:08
  Christie: And so it's not forever, but they do need some time to sort through feeling some separation that.
• 18:14
  Christie: You know, who am I away from mom?
• 18:17
  Christie: Who am I away from family?
• 18:19
  Christie: Who, what are my thoughts on this?
• 18:20
  Christie: And, and it gets
• 18:21
  Ellen: clumsy for a little bit.
• 18:22
  Ellen: Because they don't think that way.
• 18:23
  Ellen: They're in their brain.
• 18:24
  Ellen: They're not going, who am I apart from my mom or dad?
• 18:27
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:28
  Ellen: It's just this emotion.
• 18:29
  Carol: Yeah.
• 18:30
  Carol: And I like the word you use, clumsy.
• 18:32
  Carol: Yeah.
• 18:32
  Carol: Okay, because if you look at kids of this age, they are clumsy.
• 18:36
  Carol: They're all hands and feet and what they could do while back, they're just clumsy.
• 18:41
  Carol: They're emotionally clumsy.
• 18:42
  Carol: And they're emotionally clumsy and relationships get clumsy and it's just messy.
• 18:46
  Carol: Right.
• 18:47
  Carol: You know, but.
• 18:49
  Carol: If parents could remember that, because otherwise you're looking back and have we lost this forever?
• 18:54
  Cheryl: Uh, particularly because this is the beginning of teen years.
• 18:57
  Cheryl: Yeah, because that's what's happening.
• 18:59
  Cheryl: The transition from childhood into teen years.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: And every part of our relationship needs to change, except our love, of course, but the actual functioning has to change because You can't treat this 12 year old boy the way that three year old, we're talking about a four year old, or even an eight year old, right?
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Not at all.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: You know, it's just changed and somebody Christie introduced me to as a really good term for this, saying what we should be doing, is planned Emancipation and I think that's
• 19:33
  Christie: fantastic.
• 19:33
  Christie: Yeah, it really is and it feels harsh and it's harsh to a parent's heart, but it's true and And you've taught me that the more, you know, the more I can embrace that and celebrate it for them, Yeah.
• 19:49
  Christie: the less they'll run from me and push away because a lot of that, you know, you have to celebrate that it is a proper Step in development, you know, and it's
• 20:00
  Cheryl: like what you said about the four year old running around and y'all are saying The four year old not sitting still in their little lap like maybe a three month old or something is a good Development that they're becoming their own person.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: Well, this 12 year old is Heading full steam towards becoming their own person, right?
• 20:19
  Ellen: and the world's really confusing.
• 20:21
  Ellen: It's true.
• 20:22
  Ellen: You know, I mean we forget because we've learned to That would say master it, but we've learned with expectations how life works But when they're that age all of this is new all of a sudden their friends get mean Who used to be kind of nice and say really unkind things.
• 20:40
  Ellen: They feel awkward in new situations.
• 20:42
  Ellen: So they're just at this really big state of awkwardness and they don't even know how to express it.
• 20:47
  Ellen: And if you say to them, oh honey, you're just feeling awkward, they'll just get mad at you.
• 20:51
  Christie: Nobody wants to be called awkward.
• 20:52
  Christie: They think they're the coolest thing on the planet right now, or they're at least
• 20:55
  Ellen: trying to be.
• 20:56
  Ellen: Mom, you don't know anything.
• 20:58
  Ellen: But I know, I remember, um, with one of my kids, we started, um, writing to each other.
• 21:03
  Ellen: I started a notebook.
• 21:04
  Ellen: Because I knew that kid was struggling with feelings and so that worked out really well.
• 21:10
  Ellen: Because that child would express as much as they wanted
• 21:14
  Christie: to.
• 21:14
  Christie: Yeah, some things are safer to write than to say face to face.
• 21:18
  Christie: just leave it on each other's
• 21:19
  Ellen: pillow.
• 21:20
  Ellen: I love that.
• 21:21
  Ellen: That was such a good idea.
• 21:22
  Ellen: So it wasn't like a big demanding thing, but I would say something or like, I'm sorry I got upset with you because you did this.
• 21:28
  Ellen: Wow.
• 21:28
  Ellen: And then I'd leave it on his pillow and then he would write me back and leave it on.
• 21:32
  Carol: I mean, it's a great idea.
• 21:33
  Carol: Yeah.
• 21:34
  Carol: But what you just said, Ellen, took it.
• 21:37
  Carol: A million miles higher because you didn't just say what was wrong with you.
• 21:41
  Carol: Why are you upset today?
• 21:43
  Carol: You said i'm so sorry Could you forgive me?
• 21:46
  Carol: Such grace that you gave yourself the humility you showed and I want to clear that bridge And have you walk across it when you feel safe,
• 21:56
  Christie: right?
• 21:57
  Christie: Well, yeah, because like Ellen said, their friends are 12 year olds that are trying to figure their lives out, too, so everyone's kind of, you know, every man for himself in this age group, and they need a cheerleader on their side that's not overly critical and correcting every little thing, you know, they're gonna try on about what they're doing.
• 22:16
  Christie: So, yeah.
• 22:17
  Christie: 8 million different hats in the next 10 years.
• 22:20
  Christie: Just trying to see which one fits them best.
• 22:22
  Christie: And They need someone saying everyone looks good on'em, you know, like, just cheering'em on or I'm here
• 22:30
  Cheryl: for you.
• 22:30
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 22:31
  Cheryl: And the way you act more than just what you say, right?
• 22:33
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 22:33
  Cheryl: And it's hard to remember
• 22:34
  Ellen: sometimes that far back.
• 22:36
  Ellen: Mm-Hmm.
• 22:37
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 22:37
  Ellen: 12, 13, that's really hard
• 22:41
  Cheryl: so back in the dark ages, well, some of the things that I've learned from others, for example, a tendency, actually it's different from boys and girls.
• 22:54
  Cheryl: One of the things.
• 22:55
  Cheryl: Girls, um, tend to look you in the face when they're talking to you, like in exchange, where you're really talking about something.
• 23:03
  Cheryl: But boys, I don't know what it is in their brains, but literally there's something that they do a lot better if they don't look at you.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: And I remember learning that, it was some scientist, and so conversation while driving the car is a real good one because then you're looking on the road and they sit there and they just might open up a little more because they don't have to look at you in the face
• 23:26
  Christie: So it may be that the, There's just a bigger risk in the vulnerability of a boy because they're not, you know, because
• 23:33
  Ellen: a girl at 12 could cry in front of her friends and they might come around and pat her on the back.
• 23:37
  Ellen: But if a 12 year old boy starts crying in front of his friends, it's going to be made fun of.
• 23:41
  Ellen: That's a whole
• 23:41
  Christie: episode, right?
• 23:42
  Christie: Yeah.
• 23:44
  Cheryl: Another place that my kids opened up, I found that was very effective is at night I couldn't be there with the goal.
• 23:53
  Cheryl: of getting them to open up.
• 23:55
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:56
  Cheryl: And I couldn't come with an agenda.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: I just came to love them and sit in space with them.
• 24:02
  Cheryl: If I allowed enough time to go to their bed And just telling them a gentle good night and sit there.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: A lot of times just in the dark.
• 24:11
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: They would just open up and talk and talk.
• 24:14
  Cheryl: And I kept my mouth shut.
• 24:17
  Cheryl: I just listened and loved and didn't give advice.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: But I found that really effective in just giving them that safety.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: And
• 24:26
  Ellen: darkness helps.
• 24:27
  Ellen: Darkness helps.
• 24:27
  Ellen: Because there's nobody sees there.
• 24:29
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 24:30
  Ellen: You're not looking at each other and they're feeling pressure to maybe perform or answer correctly.
• 24:36
  Christie: Yeah, and I feel like this, this age starts this, this era of needing to just be available because you never know when they're going to have the courage to say the thing.
• 24:49
  Christie: And so it used to be that you could just, like you're saying, like, sit down and tell me how you felt about school today.
• 24:55
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:55
  Christie: But after this.
• 24:57
  Christie: You know, 10, 11, 12 years old, they start changing into this, I don't want to talk.
• 25:03
  Christie: But then when they do, they're there.
• 25:05
  Christie: You need to be there.
• 25:06
  Christie: It's usually right
• 25:07
  Ellen: when you're getting ready to go to bed.
• 25:09
  Ellen: I got to talk
• 25:10
  Christie: to you, mom.
• 25:10
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:11
  Christie: About 10:15.
• 25:12
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:13
  Ellen: Mike and I would tag team.
• 25:14
  Ellen: I go, it's your turn.
• 25:17
  Christie: I got to go to bed.
• 25:17
  Christie: You're right.
• 25:18
  Christie: You know, but yeah, I think if you can You know, take your time making the brownies or take your time getting to Walmart on your drive.
• 25:25
  Christie: Maybe, you know, accidentally hit a wrong turn that makes the trip a little longer.
• 25:29
  Christie: Sometimes they'll, they'll soften a little.
• 25:31
  Christie: Well, you're still coherent in a way.
• 25:33
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:35
  Cheryl: then you don't think there's anything wrong with this child?
• 25:40
  Christie: Maybe the most normal one yet.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: So it's just messy.
• 25:45
  Cheryl: And in all of these, there's nothing wrong.
• 25:48
  Cheryl: With the parents or the kids, it's just the ebb and flow, the process, all the phrase I got from somebody, I say sometimes the beautiful chaos of parenting, you know, it's because it's relationship.
• 26:02
  Cheryl: So we kind of want sometimes for it to add up 1, 2, 3.
• 26:06
  Christie: Right,
• 26:07
  Cheryl: And just all of these are good situations because they typify the normal mess of parenting.
• 26:14
  Ellen: You know, one thing I just wanted to add is many times for moms in particular, when you're starting to get your kids in the teen years, you may be going through physical changes like menopause, which basically was like Puberty for old people.
• 26:31
  Christie: So you're
• 26:31
  Ellen: a little crazy too sometimes or oversensitive and you don't even realize what it is because that can start in your mid thirties.
• 26:40
  Ellen: And so then you're going, what is wrong with all of
• 26:43
  Christie: us?
• 26:43
  Christie: We're all messed up.
• 26:46
  Christie: But I
• 26:46
  Ellen: think that's something to think too.
• 26:47
  Ellen: How am I doing?
• 26:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 26:49
  Cheryl: Always.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:50
  Cheryl: My self awareness.
• 26:52
  Cheryl: So I can be other aware and other engaged.
• 26:55
  Cheryl: right?
• 26:55
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 26:56
  Cheryl: These have been great.
• 26:57
  Cheryl: Thank you so much.
• 26:59
  Cheryl: Sure And I look forward to next time.
• 27:01
  Christie: Yes
• 27:02
  Cheryl: Alright.
• 27:03
  Cheryl: So until then, parents, remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 27:15
  Thank you for joining us for another episode of The Parenting Podcast.
• 27:20
  I hope our conversation today provided you some clarity and amongst the complexities of parenting leaving you feeling.
• 27:28
  Empowered and understood.
• 27:32
  From navigating children's behavior and events to fostering communication with preteens.
• 27:38
  We covered a lot of ground.
• 27:42
  Now, would you take a moment to reflect on your own experiences with your children?
• 27:50
  How do you navigate challenging behaviors and what strategies have you found effective?
• 27:57
  Are there any specific hurdles you're facing that resonate with today's discussion?
• 28:03
  Consider how you might incorporate any insights we shared into your daily interactions with your children, navigating these situations.
• 28:13
  With more confidence and grace.
• 28:17
  As we bring this episode to a close, I want to remind you that you're not alone on this journey.
• 28:24
  Normal, regular, healthy parenting can be a pretty wild ride, but it's also incredibly rewarding.
• 28:36
  Don't hesitate to reach out to us.
• 28:39
  You can connect with us on our website, social media channels, Or drop us a line at contacttheparentingpodcast.
• 28:47
  com.
• 28:49
  And don't forget to tune in next time as we continue to dive into more questions from you, our wonderful audience.
• 28:58
  There's always something new to learn and explore in the world of parenting.
• 29:03
  Until then, keep embracing the ups and downs with patience and love.