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Unseen Grief: Navigating Childless Divorce · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: You're listening to episode 40.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Last week, we talked about freedom not America's freedom, but the freedom from our life's transition.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: We don't always recognize this freedom, but it's there.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: I recently sat with about 20 divorced men and women and this is what I heard the number one struggle they had was with their children, but what I didn't expect to hear was that the struggle of divorce with no children.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I had already mapped out this episode, so here we are.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: This is a topic and, as I did my research, I discovered that 66% of marriages that end in divorce are childless.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: This is according to a survey conducted in 2023.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: But what no one tells us is that the emotional toll that happens when a couple either chooses not to have children or they have infertility issues, or they have some unexpected events that prove having children would not benefit the children they now have this fear that the family they wanted can't happen.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: Now you see, you're divorced and childless, and your heart's desire to be a parent is strong.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: You have an emotional deprivation because you have no one to call you mom or dad.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: The fact that you are childless is both a gift and a burden.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: It is a gift because you have no one to put the oxygen mask on first, it's just you.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: This makes divorce a little less messy, because there are no kids to use as weapons against your former spouse.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: You only have yourself to care for, and you are enough to deal with.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: I mean this because you're a mess.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: You need to go to therapy and begin to rebuild your life.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: It's a burden because, well, you wanted children and you don't have them.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: Oh, how you wanted them.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: There is freedom when we have no children to care for, but please hear my heart.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: In no way does this insinuate that there is no grief associated that has arrived unexpectedly at your door because you wanted to have kids to begin with and are now left empty-handed.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: This simply means it is easier to be single and navigate a family transition, but it is still by no means easy.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: Hear me out Melanie Notkin, the author of Savvy Auntie calls this type of grief a grief that's unaccepted, unobvious or silent, a disenfranchised grief.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: In other words, it's the grief you don't feel allowed to mourn because your loss isn't clear or understood.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: She writes but losses that others don't recognize can be as powerful as the kind that are socially acceptable.
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: I will make sure to put the link to her book in the show notes.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: You may have heard the phrase just be so glad you didn't have kids.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: You may have heard the phrase just be so glad you didn't have kids.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: You didn't have to face telling children about the upsetting and significant changes to their lives.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: You never had to navigate the uncertain waters of establishing a co-parenting relationship or dealing with the negotiations over child support, and you didn't have to watch your hypothetical children suffer.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: I have the utmost respect for those who manage divorce with dignity and a courage for their children.
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: I have seen this firsthand.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: One parent is all about the children and the other parent is just a pain and is unwilling to do the same.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: This is called selfishness, with the intent to harm your ex and inevitably harm your children.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: For those who set aside the hate for the ex and focus instead on being the best for the children.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Those bravely tackle unbelievably high obstacles so their children can thrive.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: Now that's a hard divorce, and so is divorce without kids.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: There are a few particular struggles that those without children face, so we'll start with number one.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Your pain feels minimalized.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: Even when someone says, be grateful, you didn't have kids, there can be the tendency to still feel in the moment that your pain is being minimalized.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: The lack of children makes divorce easier not easy, because of the complications and additional stressors that children bring to divorce.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: Those without kids often feel unwelcome in support groups and unable to share their pain without fear of it being shrugged off.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: Number two your motivation isn't ready-made.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: When you have children, being a parent is often the central purpose for your life, and their well-being is a significant motivator after divorce to get your life together.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: When you're married and child-free, you identify primarily as a husband or wife, and then that's wiped out with a signature on a page.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: It can be a struggle for many without children to find their purpose and their motivation after a divorce.
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: This is where working with a life coach can benefit you and get you off the bench and back into participating in your life.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Number three it can be so isolating.
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: I'm reminded of how much children bring their parents together with other parents.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Most of the adults know each other through various sports teams, shared classes and play dates.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: But after a certain age the child free isn't included in many of these reoccurring social situations.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: And then, when divorce happens, this isolation can be extreme, especially when the split extends into the couple's friend group.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: Number four the loss of family memories.
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: When my parents divorced, my mom and I worked to both retain family memories and to cultivate new ones.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: And if you are child-free, when a spouse is lost you can lose years of memories that only you both shared.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: There is no one else to create them with, so children provide a sort of continuation of the marriage.
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: So if you're without children, it can sometimes feel as though there is no proof that the relationship ever occurred.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: Number five the fear of time running out.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: Some people are child-free at the time of the divorce because they decided not to have children, and others found that their marriage ended before the desired children were born.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: For those men and women, a childless divorce is especially painful because it brings with it the fear that time will run out for them to create the family they want.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: But even with its particular struggles divorcing without children gives you yet a unique freedom rarely found in adulthood.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: You can relocate, you can reinvent, you can go on dates every night if you so choose to.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: You can fall in love with somebody else and maybe even somebody else's children, or you can stay single forever and commit your life to some other causes.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: You have no limits and no restrictions.
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: Maybe you have to live with the results of not having children, much the same way you realize you have to live with the reality that either you chose to life happened or medical issues prevented you from having children.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: You don't have to hang your head, especially if you divorce without having kids.
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: I have two thoughts on this.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: Number one, you've probably disqualified yourself and called yourself a failure.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: And number two, you have a fear that something you wanted so much is not ever going to happen.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: But in scripture in Psalm 37, verses 23 and 24, it says this the steps of a man are established by the Lord.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: When he delights his way, though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: In other words, the Bible is written for those who fall.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: Raise your hand.
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: If you have fallen into this category, no pun intended.
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: I have both my hands raised.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: We've all fallen and disqualified ourselves.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: What I think happens is that for those who haven't had kids yet, we have fallen into a pit and our focus is on us and what we don't have.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: You see, we all get second and third chances.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: We didn't get to have kids with our spouse before divorce.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: This doesn't mean you can't have kids.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: God is the most creative person I know.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: He orchestrates, fulfilling our dreams and desires from around the corner.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: In other words, we can't see around the corner, but he's God.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: He can see everything.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: We are allowed to change our perspective and understand that having children will never be in our time frame.
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you didn't have children.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry you can't have children.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that life got in the way.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: I have seen this in my own extended family.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: I lost a great nephew when he was three months old.
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: He never left the hospital because he was born premature and never got strong enough to get off the respirator.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: My niece was told she would never have any more children and on top of that was diagnosed with cervical cancer.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: But I want you to know there's hope.
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: I'm here to help pull you out of the pit and make a game plan for the endless possibilities God has for you.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: It may look different for you, listen.
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: The answer is always no if we choose inaction.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: But if we decide to step out and let God do it, then our chances improve by at least a minimum of 50%, and 50%, in my book, is better than none at all.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: Here's the rest of the story.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: Two years later, my niece and nephew had their baby boy born courtesy of her sister who was a surrogate for them.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: He's a very happy and healthy almost one-year-old.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: So here's what I know God got creative.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: If he will do it for them, I promise you he will do it for you.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: I promise you he will do it for you.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: Just don't stay focused on what you don't have and have an open heart to what he alone is good at.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: He has such creativity in making you a parent.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: So don't just think that it's the end, because I'm telling you it's just the beginning.
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you have no kids right now and you're alone and lonely, but if you'll stick around next week, I'm going to talk about that one thing of how to overcome loneliness when single and we've gone through life transition.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I appreciate you being here.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I'll see you next time.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash Until next week.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: You.