Latest / Recovering Out Loud / Trauma and Addiction: The Hidden Link No One Talks About (1 Year Sober Story)

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Trauma and Addiction: The Hidden Link No One Talks About (1 Year Sober Story) · Recovering Out Loud

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I was always the person that I'll start tomorrow, I'll start
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tomorrow, but I will like when I was when I was with my ex and
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always having drugs on me and I would be getting alcohol, you
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know, driven to me. Like I don't remember.
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It's like I have a bottle type shit.
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I can't remember. But I always say like, Hey, once
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I get rid of all this alcohol and do all of this, I'll be
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done. But then it's like I still take
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me a while to keep doing it right.
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And then once after the three days are done, it's like, OK,
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now I want more and it's that deadly cycle.
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But I remember to realizing that I had maybe this, this is a
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problem. I think it was, Oh God, I was, I
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was just always bailing on people and I was bailing and I'd
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rather get high than hang out with people.
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And I'd rather be alone than hang out with people.
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I'd rather even grabbing a bag with like friends and stuff.
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I'd grab my own bag secretly and then keep it and then just go
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get high by myself. And then I liked it because
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nobody judged me. Nobody judged the amount I was
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doing. Welcome to Recovering Out Loud
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Podcasts with your hosts Anthony and Caleb.
0:58
In this podcast, our intention is to help the still suffering
1:01
addict or alcoholic and provide you the listener which are
1:05
experienced, strength and hope. We share real raw stories of
1:09
healing, hope and breaking free. The opinions expressed here are
1:13
those of the individuals and not any organization.
1:17
Please help support the channel by following and rating the
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show. This is the best kind of
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donation we could receive. So grab a seat, take a deep
1:24
breath, and let's get loud about healing together.
1:39
Emily, thank you so much for coming on.
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We appreciate you. Yeah, it's a little sweaty and
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hot, but we, we made it happen. This was like I always say, like
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court management and like having people is is so underrated so.
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Absolutely. Honestly, I was just saying that
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I feel so inspired with all the work that you're doing behind
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the scenes. So well done guys, really well
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done. Someone who's been on a podcast
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for a year and still hasn't have your shit together, I really
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appreciate it. Yeah, and let's not get it
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twisted like you said, we we still don't have our shit.
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Together, yeah. And it like and I think that's
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like why I feel comfortable maybe.
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Yeah. But yeah, it's nice to have
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another like minded person on your you said that you have you
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have a recovery podcast as well. I do, yes.
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So my recovery podcast is called Talks on the Rocks.
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I've been doing it. I know the name.
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The name was actually a tough one because I was trying to
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think, well, my brother actually helped me out with it.
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So I was trying to think like on a rocky, like rocks, but then,
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you know, there's like drinks on the rocks.
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So I was kind of going both ways with it.
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But then when I started, obviously things were very rocky
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for me. So I went to like Talks on the
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Rocks in that way. But there are other podcasts
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that are about cocktail making that is called Talks on the
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Rocks. And I'm like, like, no.
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So there's like ways that you can see it.
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People view differently in other ways, but I am really proud of
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it so. I'm sure you should be.
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Thanks. Should.
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Be and I love the picture you have a picture for anyone
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listening go check it out. It's a great podcast, but you
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have a picture of yourself like pouring out the drink on the
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ice. I love that I.
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Know seriously. And then that's kind of what
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made it right, just the rocks just coming out of it and just,
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you know, you want to kind of let it all out.
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And I think that was the symbolism that I was going for.
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And I think it's super cool. I was saying this to you as
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we're setting up, you know, things like that come with
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addiction and mental health. They're already so hard to talk
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about, and it's cool to see someone else that's putting
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themselves out there to talk about these problems.
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So yeah, you know, it's inspiring for us as well.
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I appreciate that and that's why I'm really happy to be here with
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you guys cuz I completely understand it and I respect that
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for sure. And even your name of the
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podcast, like Recovery Out Loud, that's huge.
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Because I remember in my first episode, I always said the
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reason I'm doing this is so I can, you know, do this out loud
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so people can stop dying quietly.
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Like there was like a thing that I said and it kind of clicked.
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And recovering out loud is the best way for like us at least,
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you know? But it's amazing.
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Especially because like addiction in and of itself is
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such a isolating. The biggest problem for me, one
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of the biggest problems is I'm very good at keeping my problems
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to myself, hiding in my room, not, you know, connecting with
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people. And that just keeps me sicker
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and sicker every day, right? So I couldn't agree more.
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It's like there's a no brainer for.
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Me. Yeah, I love it.
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They always say addiction is the opposite of community.
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Yeah. That's a good one.
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I've never actually heard that, I don't think.
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It's so true though. Like if you're not, you're, if
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you're doing this alone, it's it's not easy.
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It's really not easy. And like obviously everyone has
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a different story with it all, but I think it doing like having
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people like like minded people around does make such a
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difference in your recovery for sure.
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So Emily, to give the viewers a little bit of insight on who you
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are and what you've been through, I don't you give us a
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quick little let down on you. Yeah.
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So I grew up in Niagara Falls. I grew up actually in a small
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town in Niagara Falls with my parents.
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Like my parents are very well off.
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My dad was very well off. My mom was at home with us
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because I have a twin brother so her hands were full obviously.
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But my childhood was really good.
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I have no complaints about it. I think there was a lot of
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childhood trauma growing up as I was getting older cuz I was
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always really bad in school and you know how they always
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diagnose boys with ADHD? I had it for sure, but they
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never thought I was and they never thought I would fit the
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profile because I had a twin brother who was just fucking off
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the walls and like I would be calm, cool, like I was a
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ballerina. I was like collected and so, but
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I was so bad in school. Bad in what sense?
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Like grade wise. Grade wise, like I was always
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like, like just off in Lolla, yeah.
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I was just not paying attention. Like math was just I always got
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D's, never A's, like awful in school.
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And so then my mom set me up with a tutor and the tutor
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unfortunately was really bad. He he, I do say it's my podcast.
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I don't know why it's hard saying so, but he did.
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I'm sorry, I'm kind of nervous talking about this right now.
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This is weird. Oh, it's hard, but he used to
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like, touch me. You're a professor.
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Yeah, no, my tutor tutor. Yeah, and this wasn't at school.
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This was like at home. This was at home and I was about
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11 years old so my he would come every Friday.
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My mom would say like hey whatever.
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I'm not saying his name, but hey.
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And then we work at the dinner table together and he would just
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be touching me under the table and going like it is bad.
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And I thought in my head, I'm like, is this right?
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Like should I? Is this something that I should
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be doing in order to get good grades?
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Like what the fuck, you know? So it's just one of those things
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that started that way in growing up.
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I was just always, I always cared what people thought about
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me in high school going off and that I always wanted to fit in.
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I always wanted to be a part of something and drinking was
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actually like kind of late in my I was like pretty late in my
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drinking career actually. Like I started drinking when I
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was about 14 and like the first sip, I loved it like I'm like,
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this is me. This is real.
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I was, I wasn't who I was. I was funnier.
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I was more talkative. I was just like a better person
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drinking. And then after that weed came
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and I used to smoke weed every day.
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And then from there on it really escalated to drugs.
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And when I see drugs, like it's mainly cocaine.
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And so that really took over my life.
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And since I did my first line ever, it was like I'm home.
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This is what I this is me now. Like, this is my personality,
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this is who I am. You have arrived.
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I have arrived. Yes.
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It's so crazy. And you know, I always thought
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like, no, I would never get addicted to this.
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And then like as the years come, like, OK, this could be a
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problem, but like, you never know, right?
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You're just kind of in this. I don't.
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I'm not. Like denial.
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Denial. Yeah, exactly.
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Or like you compare yourself to other people and I'm not there.
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I'm not there. Or like, you know, I have great
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parents. I have a great family.
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Like I shouldn't be an addict, but addiction actually does run
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in my family more for with alcoholism.
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But yeah, that's like mainly my story growing up is just always
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trying to fit in. And also I was a dancer, a
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competitive dancer. So like my dance teacher always
8:21
gave me shit about my weight and body dysmorphia completely so.
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Is that a common thing in like dance?
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Wow. Yeah, especially in ballet, like
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there's a, there's a few stories like she made us, I know this
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sounds really fucked up, but she made us get a penny.
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Like do you remember pennies? And you have to put it in
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between your butt crack and then dance a whole like 5 minutes
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without it falling. And if it falls, you hear it and
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you have to do like 10 push ups or something and she'll fucking
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it's. Fucked.
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How old are you? I was probably on the same age.
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Well I grew up dancing all my life and this that time like
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that specific story was probably when I was like 8 or 9.
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That's crazy. Oh.
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My. God, I've never and.
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Like I would just go home and tell my mom about it and like,
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she's like, I don't think that's that's normal.
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But I, I just, I love dancing because it's actually an escape
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for me in ways besides my crazy teacher and the competitiveness
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and just the pressure of it. I did enjoy it a lot and I still
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do. You still do?
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Yeah. You were telling me.
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Yeah. Wow, that's insane.
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So like, from a young age, you're already, you're already
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being told you're not right, you're not enough.
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Thank you. You're not enough.
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And that's essentially, you know, they always say, well,
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ones too many and a thousands never enough.
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This is a disease of not enough. Yeah, never.
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One pair of shoes is not enough. Oh my God, never.
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So, yeah, like, what are you supposed to, you know, you're
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growing up with these like ways of life, these kind of, I don't
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know, narratives that they're, they're putting in your head.
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How are you supposed to recover from that?
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So. Exactly.
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So like, how did you deal with it?
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Yeah. I well, I think it was just like
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always comparing myself, but obviously dealing with it was
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drugs and alcohol. That's helped so much.
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Like drugs and alcohol were like my savior.
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It was my crutch. It was everything that I wanted
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and more. If I had a bad day, it's like,
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you know, it's going to be fine. I'm going to get fucked up
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later. And then four days later it's
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like whatever. But that's like kind of how I
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dealt with it for a really, really long time.
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And that's why it took me a while to get sober cuz I started
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getting sober in 2018, OK. I went to my first rehab and I
10:21
was like, it was desperation then for sure.
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And I was like, OK, yeah, like shit, this is getting tough.
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Like I remember I came home after like a four day Bender and
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I like was doing bumps in my car and I came home after a four day
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Bender. My parents were sitting down and
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they found like a little baggie and they're like, we think you
10:40
need help. And I literally like went almost
10:41
to my knees. My guests like take me like I'm
10:43
so done. Like I'm so fucking tired.
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I'm tired. And that was a lot of
10:48
desperation there for me. Then you moving forward.
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I was still not ready. I didn't do it for myself.
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I did it for my mom, my dad, other people, not the right
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reasons that they always say. It was a tough go for me.
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So now dealing with, you know, shit that I feel different
11:05
about. I think it's more of like a
11:08
spiritual thing, which I really appreciate when if things get
11:14
hard, I just try to like roll it off my back.
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But I don't want to drink over things.
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Like it's not enough to drink. Like make me drink, you know
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what I mean? Yeah, it's like this, this won't
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you know, I don't. I always say is like, I have one
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problem, right? And it's whatever, whatever it
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is in the moment for me right now, it's money.
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Like I have this issue. It's I don't have money.
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I'm still recouping and recovering from my last bout and
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craziness and staying out every fucking fancy hotel in Toronto.
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I'm sorry, I'm still paying for that, right?
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But I have this problem and it's like I pick up drugs and
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alcohol. If if I decide to do that now, I
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have two problems. Yep, right.
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And then I have it just multiplies and it's like it
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never ends, right? So it's good.
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For me, like now that I'm not using drugs to cope with my
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problems, I was talking about this in the last episode.
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I use it like when I get like, let's say something's upsetting
12:04
me or I'm emotional about something I do with it by
12:07
getting pissed off now. Interesting.
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Like anger? Anger.
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Yeah. So I learned this that anger is
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like a, is like a secondary emotion.
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It's not like, you know, sometimes you will get mad at
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the beginning, but usually the reason that I get mad is because
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something is hurting me or I don't, you know, I don't like
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what's going on. It's fear, too.
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It's. Fear right, so then I'll just
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like, you know, fuck that guy he's an idiot.
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That's how I deal with my problems, right?
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I still think it's better than, you know, putting drugs up my
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nose, but. You know, I said like fears and
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emotion because like, people look at that as a problem.
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Yeah, it's. Crazy, but you need that.
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Yeah, natural reaction defense mechanism.
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Defense mechanism, right? Absolutely.
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And I think that's like when I see people, this is inspiring to
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me when I see someone like like, you know, maybe this person just
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got told the fuck off. You know, someone just you're a
12:52
fucking idiot, buddy. And then the guy, the guy just
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doesn't get mad. Just like he's so emotionally
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stable and aware of how he feels.
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It's like, wow, I wish I could be like that guy, but.
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It just like rolls off their back.
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You know, cuz like right now I'm dealing with some stuff that's
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like stressing me out about work and money as well.
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And like, you know, I'm trying to like do this on my own and
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not have to like rely on talking to my family about everything.
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I'm trying to be an adult, right?
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And it's nothing has to do with anger in the situation, but I'm
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getting angry about it. You know what I mean?
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I'm getting I'm, I'm dealing with it by getting mad and be
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like, oh, it's my boss's fault. It's my dad's fault.
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You're victimizing. I'm victimizing, right?
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I do that too and I'm still really bad with that and like to
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to like yourself awareness though, is pretty good if you're
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talking about that right now. You know, victimizing yourself
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is always something like that's a coping mechanism for people
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who are an addiction. Well, I grew up this way, so I
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had to be an addict or my dad, like, you know what I mean?
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And victimizing, I still, yeah, it's, it's it's hard.
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It's really hard and it's hard to stop.
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But I think the awareness is there for sure for you, which is
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exciting. It's it's hard to look in the
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mirror and be like, no, this is my fault and I'm the only one
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who can control this, right? Versus it's a lot easier to be
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like, no, it's your fault, it's your fault.
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It's your. Fault It's so much easier, so
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much fucking easier. I blamed everyone but myself.
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Everyone even like for my relapses, I'd blame them on
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other people. Like, I'm like, I remember being
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like, oh, I was at like a therapy group and some person
14:18
gave me a dirty look and I walked out really angry.
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So I went and relapsed. Like stupid, stupid shit.
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Like just really like, come on, you didn't have to.
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And I remember I had a therapist, I would always
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because I I would do that too. I would go out and be like my
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mom's pissing me off, my wife's pissing me off.
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Yeah, I'm going to go. I'm going to go use.
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I'm going to show them show. You all hurt me too.
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Exactly. And she always said to me, she's
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like, you're the only one you're hurting when you're doing that,
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right. You're every time you use,
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you're going out and saying fuck you to yourself.
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Like that's essentially what's happening every time.
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You use it right yourself. So, OK, so you talked about what
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happened to kind of bring you into, into treatment.
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I was reading, you know, I, I do this sometimes I go on Reddit
14:55
and I look at addiction threads and people post like what
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they're going through and all this.
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And I read this one this morning.
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I couldn't help but look at it. It was a guy that was about to
15:03
go into rehab. He's like, I finally made this,
15:05
you know, decision. I'm scared, I'm terrified, I'm
15:07
angry. And I just, I was just reading
15:09
it and I'm just like, oh man, like I wish I could reach out
15:12
and hug this guy right now. And I commented something like,
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it gets better. This is the first step.
15:17
But when you're going into it, it's the worst decision in your
15:20
life. Absolutely, absolutely nobody
15:22
wants to go to rehab. No one came on a winning streak.
15:25
Yeah, I know there's a song about that I think is Jelly
15:28
Roll, but yeah, no, you're broken going into that.
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And and I think for me personally, in my first rehab, I
15:35
was broken. I was ready, but I was just
15:37
like, let me get this over with so I can be good with my
15:41
parents. Yeah, you know what I mean.
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I was kind of like, I think I just had a spiritual awakening
15:47
in rehab because I went into rehab at the beginning.
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And like I actually, I, I think back on this, I've talked about
15:53
it with Anthony friends, my parents, I don't really know.
15:56
There was no real thing in my head.
15:57
Like I didn't go to my parents and say, please bring me to
15:59
rehab, right. It was just like Anthony said,
16:01
it was like this, like the right time, the right timing happened.
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I had nothing left. I had no money left, no friends
16:05
left. I was just like, Hey, I need
16:07
something else besides this, because I don't even if I had 10
16:10
bucks right now, I wouldn't go to rehab because I'd go get
16:11
high. But I don't even have 10 bucks
16:13
right now. So you know, I got, I got in the
16:16
back of the truck and or the back of the car and they drove
16:19
me 12 hours away to go to rehab. And it wasn't until like
16:22
probably like 3 or 4 weeks, I stayed in rehab for three months
16:25
and good. For you.
16:25
Good for you. That's huge.
16:27
That's hard. And it was like probably around
16:28
the four week mark that I was like whole shit, like OK, I need
16:32
to be here. I needed the help.
16:33
This life is starting to get a little bit better.
16:35
I'm starting to think a little bit better, see more clearly,
16:37
because for the first four weeks, man, I was like, I had
16:40
like the that chip on my shoulder, like fuck this place
16:42
these. Guys, these guys are not as
16:44
fucked as I am. Yeah, I'm fine.
16:45
I'm fine. And I also, I also share this
16:47
funny, this funny story. I remember like on the way to
16:50
rehab, I was like, there's gonna be so many sketchy people there.
16:53
And then I showed up. I showed up there.
16:55
I was the sketchy I. Hear the sketchy one?
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Yeah, everyone's fucking glowing.
16:59
And light and like. It's just like, who the fuck are
17:01
these people? And I'm the one just like
17:03
outside trying to light a cigarette being like.
17:06
Just shaking yeah. And everyone's like hugging me.
17:09
I'm like get fuck on me. Like I'm so much better than
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you. And I was also talking about
17:14
this with Anthony. And it's sad because like, we're
17:17
all blessed in the sense where I don't know your situation, but
17:20
for me and Anthony, I know our parents sent us to rehab, right?
17:22
We were very lucky, but like we were talking like, how can more
17:25
addicts get help? And it's like not every addict,
17:27
like especially the ones that don't have families that are
17:29
supporting them, they're completely alone.
17:31
Like how do they those people get help?
17:33
You know what I mean? And for me, like this, the, the,
17:35
the opportunity to go to rehab was like, it landed right on my
17:38
lap, right? But for the people that you get
17:40
to go, right, But there's so many people out there like you
17:43
think the guy right now who doesn't even have a phone, who
17:45
only has a tuning to go by crack, you think that guy's
17:47
going to somehow go to a library, get on a computer and
17:49
try and book himself into a free rehab?
17:51
That's never going to happen. Not to mention the waiting list
17:53
and I confirm with my wife like to get into a free rehab in
17:56
Canada in on in Toronto. I should say it's like I think
18:00
the the waiting time was like 4 to 6 months she said or
18:03
something like that. Wow.
18:04
I'm not going to live that long the way I'm going, you know what
18:07
I mean? Like I need to like if.
18:08
Sorry, no. But like, if I was, if I had
18:11
that mentality, like, OK, in four months I'm going to rehab,
18:14
let me get fucked up. Yeah.
18:16
And then I'd die. I'd probably overdose and die.
18:18
That's a good point. If I knew like OK, I got because
18:20
when I went. To rehab this much.
18:21
Time my dad come to my house and he's like we we he he said OK,
18:25
you want to go to rehab and I'm like, I guess so like I wasn't
18:28
really sure if I wanted to go He's like no like make a
18:30
decision. I said, OK, I want to go.
18:31
He's like, I'm like I need a little bit of time to like give
18:33
me like a couple hours here to get my stuff right.
18:35
Like no, like I'll be back in 20 minutes and we're going like it
18:38
was and he was at my house like 1314 minutes later.
18:40
So if I would, if you have like we're leaving in three.
18:42
Days. No, No chance.
18:43
The three days I would have, who knows what would have happened,
18:46
right? And that's a great point you
18:47
bring up because it like especially when you tell an
18:49
addict who's like still, you know, 10 feet deep in the
18:52
addiction, they're going to tell you they're going to go crazy.
18:54
Of course you know they're going to sell every last thing they
18:56
got and they're going to go buy every last drug they can get and
18:58
they are going to get out It's. Going to be a while.
18:59
I got to get this in now. Oh, it's.
19:01
Crazy. It's crazy.
19:03
And I remember that because it's, you know, the, the 15
19:07
minutes I did have when my dad had went back to the house, he
19:09
probably grabbed some luggage and stuff because he had to stay
19:11
overnight. When they dropped me off.
19:12
I remember that last 15 minutes I didn't pack a single thing.
19:15
I just I did this. Blindly packed.
19:18
I just got high off my ass for 15.
19:20
Minutes. Do.
19:21
You know what I mean, Closet. And it and it was sad because I
19:26
don't know if I should be able to talk about this.
19:27
I was on methadone before I went to treatment and like I got onto
19:31
methadone probably about 8 months before I went to
19:33
treatment. And my parents, they ended up
19:35
figuring it out. But like, I would go to the
19:39
pharmacy in my town to get my drink or whatever.
19:41
And before we left to hit the highway, it was in the morning,
19:44
I said, dad, like we got to go to the pharmacy.
19:46
And I remember my dad just like the, I could just like feel his
19:50
feeling. He's like, all right, man.
19:52
Like he, he knew I was sick. He knew I needed it at that
19:54
point. And he's like, all right, we'll
19:55
go there and we'll get it. Like I know you're, you're going
19:57
to rehab. You're doing what I'm asking,
19:58
you know what I mean? But I remember that feeling like
20:00
I felt bad for him. And I remember him like a
20:02
getting out of the truck, me walking to the pharmacy and just
20:04
being like, that was a shitty feeling.
20:06
I'm like, man, no parents should have to do this for their kid
20:09
right now, right? But.
20:10
My dad and my mom, they didn't, they didn't.
20:13
They're not addicts. They don't understand what I was
20:14
going through or how I felt. But my dad was just like, he
20:16
could see me. I look like a fucking ghost.
20:19
He's like, alright, just go do what you gotta do, right?
20:21
And thankfully I ended up getting off that stuff.
20:23
For people that don't know, what does methadone do?
20:26
So what's the point? So methadone, it's a liquid and
20:31
it's a drink you take essentially and it's to help you
20:34
get off opiates. But that's not how it works.
20:36
What it is is it's a very, very strong opiate, like very strong.
20:40
I know people that have overdosed and died on that
20:42
actually. And it's essentially, you know,
20:46
and I'm just going to say exactly how I feel about it.
20:48
You go, you go to this is how it happened for me.
20:50
I knew people than friends that were on it, right?
20:52
And I knew the effects of it because I've taken it before.
20:55
I actually got prescribed it and it would make me feel great.
20:57
It would get me super high. So I went to the clinic one day
21:00
so. That's what you you wanted.
21:01
That's what I wanted, right? I love it.
21:02
I love it. So I went to the clinic one day
21:04
as a, you know, a 23 year old messed up kid that anyone could
21:08
tell that I was sick. And I asked the the lady to talk
21:14
to the doctor And within 20 minutes I had my first dose.
21:17
And then I went go back every single week and I'd say it's not
21:20
enough. They'd bring me up, not enough
21:21
bring me up. And I started at 15 milligrams.
21:23
And when I got into rehab, I was at like 130.
21:26
Yeah. And it's a God sent that I ended
21:29
up getting off that stuff because it takes it's, it's it
21:32
was hard to get off of, but it's just, it's, it doesn't help
21:35
anyone because if I wouldn't have went to rehab, I would
21:37
have, I would have kept taking that stuff because I was getting
21:40
it for free. I'm not paying for it.
21:41
So you tell a drug addict, here you go, here's your high every
21:44
day for free, right. You don't have to go scrounge up
21:46
money to get high. Here you go.
21:47
I. Never thought of it that way
21:49
actually and my dad worked at a methadone clinic.
21:51
He's a pharmacist, OK. So I think it was hard for him
21:54
to like, you know, look at his daughter and then see people
21:56
coming in like giving him the doses and he's like, OK, you're
21:59
going to come back tomorrow. Like, you know, cutting people
22:01
off too. Like it's, it's a whole system,
22:04
but I've never, it's so funny that like with my attic brain, I
22:07
thought of that too. I'm like, that would be fun.
22:09
Like just going, getting free methadone and going.
22:11
But like, yeah, there's I never thought of it just in that way
22:15
where people don't want to get off opiates at all.
22:17
They're just this is like free drugs like that's, that's.
22:21
Crazy. And that's what we do right, is
22:23
we take something and we manipulate it and to suit our
22:25
needs. So you were taking other drugs
22:27
at the same time? Yeah.
22:28
Oh my God. Of course, it was just like a
22:29
cocktail I was making, right? But that's the one I got every
22:32
single day. And the one more thing I want to
22:33
add about methadone that I don't, I don't like is that I've
22:38
seen this first hand in treatment centers.
22:40
So it's a prescribed medication, right?
22:43
So, you know, people are going to, to, to treatment like I did.
22:46
I was, you know, doing multiple other drugs.
22:48
But if when I got into treatment, when I did like my
22:51
biography, whatever you want to call, when they asked me all
22:53
these questions, they asked me, do you want to get off
22:54
methadone? And I know a lot of people who
22:56
said no, So they're in treatment, they're getting off
22:58
all the other stuff they're doing, but they're staying on
23:00
methadone because it's like, it's like how alcohol and
23:02
marijuana is it's normalized, right?
23:04
Because you can go buy it at a corner store or I could go to
23:06
the pharmacy, get it legally prescribed to me.
23:08
So, but like, it's horrible. Methadone is horrible, horrible
23:11
drug and like for anyone that doesn't know much about Google
23:14
it because the effects it has on your body, your teeth.
23:17
And thank God I was only on it for eight months so it was hard
23:20
to get off of, but it wasn't like impossible.
23:21
But there was a guy that I seen trying to get off of it that was
23:24
on it for 10 years and watching him go through the withdrawal,
23:28
the withdrawal was like it was I, I felt this pain.
23:31
It was horrible. He went through like 6 sweaters
23:34
and one day just sweating, you know, he couldn't stand up.
23:36
He was literally curled up in a ball in the smokers pitch just
23:38
curling up shaking and the guy ended up leaving.
23:41
He didn't stay. I think, I think the bit of
23:43
hope, and I remember that guy actually too.
23:45
I think the bit of hope with it though is like you were able to
23:47
get off it and you're doing great now, but you had to come
23:49
to a point where you're like, I want to stop this, I'm done.
23:51
I want to be clean. I I see the other side.
23:54
I see like you said, the bright faces in rehab, the people that
23:56
are recovering. I want that yes, right.
23:59
And so there is hope in that sense is.
24:01
But yeah, you're right. If if there's no solution and
24:04
you know, you can go to the end of your life using it forever,
24:06
right? And I just one more thing before
24:07
we, you know, move on. But when you're talking about
24:10
that reminds me of this like whole California sober idea
24:12
where it's like I'm going to be sober, but I'm still going to
24:14
smoke weed, man. Drugs are drugs, alcohol is
24:16
alcohol. It's all the same shit, right?
24:18
I was told in Utah one time I was I'm meeting in Utah because
24:20
and we ended up going to the same treatment center, which is
24:22
ironic at different times, obviously.
24:24
That's so funny. And shout out Tyler too, who
24:26
introduced us, by the way, I forgot to do that.
24:28
Thanks, Tyler. Thank you.
24:30
And, you know, I heard in Utah one day a guy said, you know, he
24:35
was sharing. He goes, listen, if you're here
24:37
for drugs, you know, or alcohol or gambling or porn or whatever,
24:41
it's same shit, different shovel.
24:43
And I love that it's, it is. It's like we just use external
24:46
things to fix the internal state.
24:48
Yeah. That's what addiction is for me,
24:50
essentially. Absolutely.
24:52
And like one more thing too. We keep adding things here, but
24:55
for me, I won't lie, like I did think there was a point when I
24:58
was like halfway off of cutting off of methadone.
25:00
I'm like, no, why don't you stay?
25:02
Just stay on this man, right? That's what I.
25:04
Was like attic brain comes. Back I.
25:05
Guess this was like. This was like 6 weeks into my
25:07
program but and it was because it was getting hard to get off
25:11
of. I was withdrawing, couldn't
25:12
sleep. But I just want to share that
25:13
we're talking about maybe a little bit of negative stuff for
25:15
now, but I want to keep it positive.
25:17
When I got off of it, like it took a couple weeks to be
25:21
completely off of it, but I remember like it's just so much
25:24
better now. I say this all the time.
25:26
Favorite part about waking up is just knowing how I'm going to
25:28
feel, right? And I can do that every day now
25:30
because I'm off that crap. And I remember the feeling.
25:32
So I did a blind taper, that's what it's called.
25:34
So I'd go down every day in treatment and they were tapering
25:36
me off of methadone. So they would just give me my
25:38
drink and a cup. I wouldn't know the milligram,
25:40
right? Because as a drug addict, when
25:41
you're doing drugs, you're like, OK, this is the good.
25:43
Stuff. This is finally.
25:44
You're looking forward to it all night.
25:45
It's. Like a.
25:47
Science. I remember.
25:48
I knew I was, I was getting near the end because I had had about
25:51
like say 3-4 weeks left in my program and I would beg the
25:55
nurses. I'm like, what is this?
25:56
How much is this? Just tell me because I know I'm
25:58
getting close to the end and they wouldn't tell me.
26:00
They wouldn't tell me, they wouldn't tell me.
26:01
Placebo. Yeah, placebo.
26:02
And then I went down one day in the morning to get my vitamins
26:06
and my my methadone drink and they said congratulations,
26:09
you're done and not feeling. I remember you telling me that.
26:11
And. I so that's.
26:13
Huge. The best part?
26:15
My favorite part about all this, so the methadone clinic that I
26:19
actually got put on methadone, the nurse, she's such a sweet
26:22
lady. She, she, I remember when when I
26:25
had asked to get on it, she's like, you shouldn't do this.
26:28
You really shouldn't do this, right?
26:29
Because I was young, most people, they're a bit older.
26:30
I was a young person going in there and she like I could see
26:33
like just the heartfelt in her eyes.
26:34
She did not want me to do it. And she seen me for months go
26:37
back and back and go up and up and up everything she warned me
26:39
not to do. I did it anyways, but I asked, I
26:43
asked that day I got off methadone.
26:45
I said, can I please, because I had to call her before I went to
26:47
treatment and I'm like, I'm not going to be coming back anymore.
26:49
I'm going to treatment. And she was so happy that I was
26:51
going. So I got I had asked the nurse,
26:54
I said, can I please call the nurse back home and tell her I
26:57
got off of it. Oh my God.
26:58
And I had talked to her in three months special and I called her.
27:01
I was just. Going to say that she was.
27:03
Like, Oh my gosh, she said. I'm so happy.
27:05
Because especially people like in medical and see addiction and
27:09
see it first hand, like we, they know that's not us.
27:11
Yeah, it's not who we are. And they can see the bright
27:14
light that she saw in you clearly.
27:16
And it's just such a special, like it's beautiful.
27:20
It's like a miracle. The small winds like that make
27:23
recovery and worth it because sometimes you might think like,
27:27
you know, like, fuck, what's the point of this?
27:28
Especially like not now. I really see the point of it now
27:30
that I got in that time, in that period in time when I was in
27:35
rehab and I haven't even been out in the world sober yet.
27:38
I'm like, what is the fucking point of this?
27:39
Like, I don't even, you know what I mean?
27:40
Like little things like that made it so worth it.
27:43
I was like, wow, like what an amazing feeling.
27:45
I can call someone and tell him I got off methadone about 3
27:48
months ago. I was going there every day
27:49
begging, just getting me five more milligrams up, up, up, up,
27:52
right? And then something like that
27:53
happens. It feels really beautiful.
27:55
Congratulations. Thank.
27:56
You, it's amazing, huge. So Emily, why don't you talk
27:58
about you talked about what you were like kind of what happened
28:02
to bring you into recovery? What's life like today?
28:05
Today, my goodness, okay, today, I hate to say it, life is not as
28:10
exciting, but it's exciting in different ways.
28:14
Like I'm living in downtown Toronto for sure.
28:16
That's when my addiction really started.
28:18
I was working in the industry like the bartending industry
28:21
clubs. I was you know, doing like 4 day
28:24
binges, just like drinking on shift, doing lines in the
28:27
bathroom. Like it was fun.
28:29
And I would, you know, I was so young, I was about like 20, you
28:33
know, 25 maybe where, you know, I would get taken on yachts and
28:37
I'd get taken into these nice hotels and like, you know, I was
28:39
living that type of dream, but I was fucked up the whole time.
28:43
And so life today obviously is less than that.
28:47
But it's just there's so many more gifts in this.
28:51
Like my twin brother, he has two kids and his wife.
28:56
They've seen me through shit. And I was thinking about this
28:59
with your episode with your sister that it is a family
29:01
disease because I totally remember the last time I rehab
29:04
or a relapse story, I was like, this has nothing to do with you.
29:08
Like it's me. Like, why do you care?
29:09
You know, And then they're just like, of course we fucking care.
29:12
Like, are you kidding? So seeing having them in my life
29:17
again has been a gift. And they asked me to be their
29:20
their son's godmother, which is so huge.
29:23
Like I was just like me, like what?
29:25
Like there's days where they wouldn't let me see their kids.
29:27
So gifts like that are so that's what keeps me.
29:31
But also too like since like there's a lot of shifts in my
29:35
first year of sobriety, my mom passed away, which was like the
29:38
first month of this podcast or my podcast that I was trying to
29:42
put out there. So.
29:43
You were sober at the time. I was sober at the time, but
29:45
then I relapsed March 18th. I relapsed after my mom died and
29:49
that's when things got really bad.
29:51
But I was still putting out the podcast because I was like, I'm
29:53
done. I'm done.
29:54
Because there was a lot more on the line and it this podcast,
29:57
like the main reason why I wanted to start the podcast was
30:00
like more accountability and it's more just for myself and
30:04
proving to people. But like, it kind of sounds
30:06
selfish. But yeah, it just today is just
30:11
honestly, waking up, not hungover has is life changing.
30:16
Being able to be an aunt, being able to be a godmother.
30:19
I'm a good daughter, I'm a good sister, I'm a good friend now.
30:23
I, I dance now, which has been a huge part of my recovery because
30:26
dance has always been so traumatic for me growing up.
30:29
And now that I'm back into it with like a amazing dance
30:31
community here in the city, it's just, Oh my God, I like, I would
30:35
never be able to do this if I was still drinking and drugging.
30:38
Absolutely. And just the people and it's
30:42
life today is great. I really can't see myself going
30:45
back on that other side. And I want to say something you
30:48
say like less exciting. I can kind of I understand what
30:51
you mean by. There's less like Plex and
30:53
valleys. Yeah, sure.
30:55
I say this lots. I'm like now that because I'm
30:57
very busy with work and our podcast and then try and make
31:00
time for other things sometimes I just really appreciate the
31:04
boredom. Just a pre.
31:06
Because I remember waking up every single day and being like,
31:08
almost like you're in the military, wake up every day, you
31:10
put your shoes on your it's time to fight.
31:12
You know what I mean? Chaos.
31:13
So, and, and that's my brain tells me like that was
31:17
excitement to me before, right? And and not having no rules,
31:20
really just like rules for myself, like no partying,
31:22
hanging out with whoever I wanted, not caring what anyone
31:25
thought, no shame, no shame, right?
31:27
But now it's, it's nice like to not have that.
31:29
Like I said, you wake up every day.
31:30
I know how I'm going to feel. I know what I got to to do right
31:32
now. It's just up to me to do it.
31:34
And I I appreciate that now, because like life before, man.
31:38
Was there's so much. Like, there's so many secrets.
31:40
There's so much lying. There's so much.
31:41
Like, I did this. I did that.
31:42
Like, now it's just like, calm. Yeah.
31:44
And but we're addicted to the chaos.
31:46
At least I am. No, no 100 Anthony percent
31:48
Anthony says that all the. Time.
31:49
I loved chaos. It's a distraction from how
31:51
we're feeling. Right, exactly.
31:52
And I don't have. To look in the mirror when I'm
31:54
in chaos, you know exactly. It's everyone else's fault, like
31:57
we talked about before, right? Yeah, that's beautiful.
32:00
I love that. And so I'm gonna have to say
32:03
this, but are the pennies still involved in the no?
32:05
Oh, my God, That's nice. Well, like, I do like a
32:09
different type of dancing now, but it's.
32:11
Oh, my God, no. Do you imagine today, even if
32:13
kids today had to deal with that shit, I would forget that if my
32:16
daughter, if my daughter was like telling me that when I go
32:18
home, like, you're out of there. Yeah, you were fucking out of
32:20
there. You mentioned you mentioned
32:21
something that interests me earlier with the whole ADHD
32:24
thing because I grew up. I know I don't have ADHD, I
32:27
don't think, but I mean, I am kind of crazy, but I don't, I
32:31
don't think I have ADHD, but I did grow up with people who did.
32:34
But when you said that you had ADHD, but you know, you, your
32:36
brother had it or whatever and it didn't really like no one
32:39
really thought you had it. I don't know if I've actually
32:40
ever met a girl like I have ADHD.
32:44
Like that's like not like say normal because I mean, what's
32:47
the obviously guys get it, women are going to get it too.
32:49
But like I feel like that's not a thing that's talked about a
32:51
lot. Like it is women women having
32:53
ADHD. No, it's not talked about a lot
32:55
and that's why it's misdiagnosed a lot too.
32:57
And like I definitely had it growing up.
32:59
I was, it was hard for me to concentrate.
33:01
So actually I got diagnosed when I was in Utah from the
33:03
psychiatrist there. And I was like, yes, like
33:06
finally, you know, like I can feel something and now, you
33:10
know, I'm not on like I'm on ADHD medication, but it's not a
33:14
stimulant because I know I'd be addicted to that.
33:17
So it's a non stimulant. Good.
33:20
For you, I wish you told me that like four months ago because I
33:23
probably wouldn't have listened, but that's that's why I relapse
33:25
is because I started going back on stimulants that way.
33:27
So yeah, when you said that to me, I was like, oh thank God.
33:30
Like I feel so much better for you because it's a dangerous
33:33
path. It's.
33:33
Such a slippery slope. And that's why even too, like I
33:36
had to get surgery on my nose because I completely put a hole
33:39
in my nose by doing too much. And after the surgery, I had to
33:43
get a piece of rib put out of me and then put in there.
33:47
It was a whole big surgery. Wow.
33:48
They were just like, OK, so we're gonna prescribe you
33:51
Percocets. And I'm just like, as much as I
33:54
wanna say yes, I really wish I could say yes, but my mom's
33:57
right there and she's just looking at me.
33:58
I'm like, no, I'm an addict. Fuck.
34:01
And then she's just like, Are you sure?
34:03
Like she kept on pushing. It like test.
34:05
Oh my God, it that was the most real time and so going back and
34:08
forth between like Tylenol and Advil.
34:11
Sorry, being like so in so much pain.
34:13
I'm just like, you know what, this is going to be OK.
34:16
It's going to be worth it. Like I know.
34:18
I just know. So grateful that I made.
34:20
That that that's a pivotal moment.
34:22
And I when you told me that, I was like, that was a you
34:24
wouldn't be, I honest. I fully believe that you would
34:26
not be sitting here right now if you chose the other option
34:29
because 1's not enough. It's like we, you know, oh, this
34:32
feels good. The pain's going away.
34:33
What would 2 feel like? Yeah.
34:35
What would 3. Feel like that's exactly how my
34:38
like drug of choice was. Painkillers, that's how I got
34:41
into, I got into a very bad dirt biking accident and I ended up,
34:45
yeah. And like, I'm not blaming no
34:47
doctors at all. I don't like to choose that
34:48
path. It was, it was me.
34:49
The doctor gave me like a two week prescription and I wrenched
34:53
through it in like 5 days. And it wasn't even Percocets.
34:55
It was something that was less than Percocets.
34:57
And I knew a friend that did Percocets.
34:59
And so it's the same ballpark, right?
35:00
The painkillers I was taking. So then I went to him and I
35:03
remember going back to the doctor and asking, hey, like,
35:05
can I get some more? Like it was like tramadol or
35:07
something, It was called. And he's like, dude, I just gave
35:10
you a prescription like 5 days ago.
35:11
So the doctor cut me off. You didn't give me anything.
35:13
It's not his fault. It was me, you know, I went in,
35:15
you know, I went balls to the wall with it myself.
35:18
And I'm not saying that doctors aren't responsible sometimes for
35:21
people's problems, but for me specifically, it was me that did
35:25
it myself. Don't put a gun to your head.
35:27
No one put a gun to my head. I put the gun to my own head and
35:31
yeah, it's a, it's a slippery slope with any medications,
35:34
right? Like I don't know too much about
35:35
like the whole like, like some of the mental health medications
35:39
that they give. I think that they do help a lot
35:40
of people, but the ones like the one Valium kind.
35:44
Of like, yeah, it is a benzo, Yeah, right.
35:45
Right. Because myself, I love those.
35:47
Yeah, I was taking, I was taking those as well when I was an
35:51
addiction and like. They're for anxiety.
35:52
They're for anxiety. When I was thinking like I
35:54
could, I was thinking like I could just go to a doctor to
35:56
tell that guy I got bad anxiety and boom.
35:58
Yeah, I checked my doctors all the.
35:59
Time, yeah, we're good that. So good that even in my, in my
36:02
like deep, deep addiction, when things first started really
36:05
coming back for me, like I was living alone in Toronto, I would
36:09
not call my mom for like maybe like 3 to 4 days because I'd be
36:12
sleeping and they all thought I had depression.
36:15
And I'm like, sure, let's go with that.
36:17
I literally said I'm like, let's go, just fix me.
36:19
Yeah, so I was put on antidepressants and then I was
36:22
still so like up and down, up and down.
36:24
But I'd never told them about my actual drug problem.
36:27
Like I'm like, you guys like it's, it's the cocaine.
36:29
But like, hey, here we are. But it's, but it's, it's, I was
36:33
just like keeping it a secret, but I was manipulating my
36:35
psychiatrist being like, oh, I'm so like.
36:37
I don't know what's wrong with me.
36:39
What's? Wrong with me like.
36:40
That's so funny, man. It's so funny.
36:42
My. I remember having those talks
36:43
with my dad, like pretty close to the end.
36:46
I'm like, we were thinking like maybe he got, like, bipolar.
36:48
Yeah. He was told that to you, maybe.
36:50
There's like, maybe there's something wrong with you.
36:51
And like, my whole life, my dad would tell me like, you know,
36:53
you're a special kid, you're smart, you're going to make a
36:55
far in life. And then like as the years got
36:56
worse and worse, he's like. I don't.
36:58
Maybe not, kid. Maybe there's something wrong
37:00
with you. And then I remember that phone
37:01
call like this was after like a couple months and we have them
37:04
like Dad, like, well, I'm not gonna say there's nothing wrong
37:06
with me, but like I don't have that.
37:07
I was just, it was the drugs, you know, it was just the drugs.
37:10
That you take the drugs away and it's like you just magically
37:13
become, you know, not at first, but.
37:15
It takes a while. The things.
37:16
Work. That's funny you say that.
37:17
No, it was just a cocaine. It was.
37:19
Yeah, it's basically a cocaine. Like, it's like, let's just put
37:21
it flat out. And it's actually funny when you
37:22
say bipolar because I was with an ex who's also like, he had
37:27
drugs around him a lot. And that's probably why I kept
37:30
coming back to him because he had what I wanted, but I was
37:34
living with him, very toxic, very me using drugs every day
37:37
without him knowing. And he's like, maybe you're a
37:41
bipolar, Like, why are you sleeping all day and then being
37:43
crazy at night? And I'm like, this is the
37:44
fucking cocaine. Like, come on, bro.
37:46
But then he, he actually went to one of his buddies and got
37:50
Adderall and made me take it. And it didn't do shit for me
37:54
because it's already high. And I'm just like, I don't, I'm
37:56
not bipolar. Like let's just like, can we be
37:58
real? But God, that was such a weird,
38:01
weird time, just like figuring out my mental health.
38:03
But I knew exactly what was going on and it was addiction.
38:06
Plain old addiction. Plain old addiction.
38:08
Yeah, but you just, you can't tell anybody about it because
38:11
you're weak, right? And it's, I think that leads me
38:14
into my next question is like, what's for me, the biggest
38:17
misconception in addiction and with addicts is that we're weak,
38:21
right? What what do you think is like a
38:23
big misconception in in addiction and with addicts?
38:26
That's a great question. That is a really, really good
38:27
question because like, honestly, there are times I wake up every
38:30
day and I am grateful that I'm an addict.
38:33
If I didn't go through this type of work, this type of, you know,
38:38
trauma work, inner child work, like if I didn't have an
38:41
addiction, I wouldn't have gone through that.
38:42
And I am so emotionally self aware now that it has brought me
38:47
into like a whole other level of life.
38:49
Addicts are not bad people. They are beauty.
38:53
Like we are good people. We are weak for sure we will.
38:59
Sorry, I shouldn't be saying that, but it's, it is like a
39:03
it's a that's a tough one, But I always say they're the strongest
39:06
people because they are they want the help too.
39:09
And if you get better that that helps.
39:12
Sorry, I'm not really making. It, well, I mean, you've been
39:13
through a lot of relapse, so I would say you're pretty fucking
39:15
resilient, yeah. Resilient yeah, I love that
39:18
yeah, for sure I. Think that addicts are very
39:20
strong people with weak points, but doing what we're doing,
39:23
we're equipped with tools to like, you know, to defend those
39:26
weak points, right? Yes.
39:27
And you mentioned spirituality is one of those.
39:29
Yeah, spirituality was a. Huge.
39:30
I love talking about. It.
39:31
Yeah, I know you do. I know you do.
39:33
And I think that didn't really happen for me until my mom died,
39:36
which I always like say this like, I wish I got sober earlier
39:41
and for her, but it's, you know, you can't go back in time.
39:44
But yeah, when I say that, you know, if I was just like a
39:46
normal drinker and never use drugs, like I don't know where
39:49
I'd be today. And I I'm just so grateful to be
39:52
in a place like this. Like, I'd rather be on this side
39:55
talking about recovery, talking about what I used to be and
39:58
helping other people that way and, you know.
40:01
I used to be go through some fucked up shit and now I just I
40:06
feel like life is just more more thought thinking of my words
40:12
but. Handleable.
40:14
Yeah, handleable. Sure.
40:16
Precious. More precious.
40:17
Way, way more precious. Way more to lose now.
40:19
Way, way more to lose. Oh my God.
40:21
Yeah. So yeah, the like the definition
40:25
of addict and how people view it is always going to be such a low
40:30
kind of look down upon, which that's why it's that's why it's
40:35
hard. But if it was easy, then
40:36
everyone would be doing it right?
40:38
And it's a hard thing to admit because I was talking about this
40:41
with Ann yesterday, a drug addict, obviously a homeless guy
40:45
was asking me for money a couple weeks ago.
40:47
And he, I said, I'll go buy you whatever you need.
40:50
But like I'm, I'm not giving you any money.
40:52
He's like, I need a tent bro. I need a tent.
40:53
I'm like, well, let's come with me.
40:54
I'll go buy you a tent. And he's like, can you just give
40:56
me the 5 bucks man? I'll go buy the tent.
40:58
And I and he, he was like, we're going back and forth about it.
41:01
And I said, you know, if you just want this money to get
41:03
high, just tell me. I said, like, I've been through
41:05
it too, bro. Like, just tell me.
41:07
And then he said, yeah, like, OK, I, I need to get high.
41:09
I feel like shit right now. And what I got from that was
41:12
that this guy is on the side of the street asking people for
41:15
money, right? But, and he's not afraid to do
41:17
that, but he's still afraid to admit to to anyone that he's a
41:21
drug addict, right? And that goes to show, like, I
41:23
mean, I can tell you right now I would have, I don't know if I
41:25
have what it what takes, what it takes in me to go on the side of
41:29
the road and ask someone for a tuning that takes.
41:31
Oh, God. Right.
41:32
But this, I've never thought of it.
41:33
But he still wouldn't admit that he was for drugs, you know what
41:37
I mean, until I said, hey, man, like, it's OK.
41:39
You can talk to me about it. And then he did it.
41:40
And when he said it, you could see like, yeah, man, like God.
41:44
Like the just the. Like the disappointment, the.
41:47
Disappointment and he still feels and he doesn't have this.
41:49
Well, I'm sure he does. But like, you know, he puts the
41:51
shame aside to ask people for money.
41:53
But like, you know, and that's heartbreaking.
41:55
But he won't admit that he's a drug addict, right?
41:57
He's gonna sit there and do what we do best.
41:59
Lie and say I know. I manipulate, right?
42:02
Well, like in in, especially in probably today's world, like
42:05
homeless people and especially in the city, it's grown,
42:07
obviously grown and it's, I think people would rather be
42:11
homeless and admit that they're drug addicts.
42:12
Yeah, it's crazy. It is crazy, very crazy.
42:15
And that's what brings me back to my point earlier about like,
42:18
I'm not trying to get too political, but I don't even know
42:20
in myself, what do we do to help that?
42:22
Because like these people, obviously they don't have 2
42:24
bucks to go buy drugs. How are they going to have the
42:26
thousands of thousands of dollars to get into a rehab
42:28
center? Or how are they going to have
42:29
the means to get a hold of a place and get on a waiting list
42:32
and not die before they get into that place?
42:33
Like what do we do to help that? I don't know, but I hope someday
42:37
some type of awareness gets brought around that issue and
42:39
something gets done about it because it's it's it truly is
42:42
heartbreaking. And mine those people too.
42:44
But there's millions of people that aren't even on the streets
42:47
that are, you know, probably in some trap posts or in some
42:49
somewhere that are getting high every day that that'll never get
42:52
help. I think that for one, doing this
42:56
is one thing that we can do, you know, we're not going to save
42:58
anyone's life. But if we're getting the word
43:00
out that there's a better life, that's my goal here.
43:03
But I think you're underestimating the fact that he
43:06
was able to admit that in that moment for like, for all you
43:08
know, that could have helped him one step closer on to his
43:11
journey of recovery. Because for me, the first time I
43:15
told the truth was I, I've told the story before, but when my
43:17
dad, you know, 10 years ago, when I was 23, my dad, all you
43:20
care about Anthony, is the next party.
43:22
What the hell is wrong with you? That's all you care about is the
43:24
next party. And I was like, Dad, I'm not
43:27
even having fun anymore. I can't stop.
43:29
And that was the first time that I told the truth.
43:31
And it that helped me, you know, I didn't get sober the next day,
43:33
but it was one step closer where I could finally admit that I was
43:36
doing something that was not benefiting my life.
43:39
And I was killing myself slowly. And like your dad was probably
43:42
like that probably made your dad realize a lot because I I also
43:45
said this before. I remember when I said to my
43:47
parents, it was like 3 days before I went to rehab.
43:49
I went to their house and my parents asking this question for
43:52
years, like why the fuck do you do drugs?
43:54
Why just stop? Just stop.
43:55
But they don't understand. And I said, mom, dad, you know
43:57
this conversation we're having right now?
43:59
This. Is why I.
44:00
Said this is because I can't have these talks.
44:02
I can't talk. I can't do anything unless I'm
44:05
high. To feel normal, I need to be
44:06
high. And my parents didn't even have
44:08
like they didn't even know what to say when I said that they
44:09
were just like, that's not normal.
44:12
That's not good. You need some help, right?
44:14
So, but I remember when I said that to them, there was some
44:17
type of like connection. They're like, I was just open.
44:19
I was honest and I told him how I felt because before I would
44:22
just give off that vibe, like I just do fucking, you know, I go
44:24
to work, I do this, I'm fine. I just a phase, just a phase
44:26
mom. I just, you know what I mean.
44:27
But no, meanwhile I'm doing hundreds of dollars of drugs
44:30
every day that it's not normal at all.
44:33
So I remember when I said that it made my parents, they were
44:35
thinking about sending me to rehab.
44:37
They were for about a month before it happened, but I think
44:39
it happened. Things like really happened
44:42
after I said that to them. Like no, like I'm not just
44:44
partying and doing drugs. I'm not just doing drugs on the
44:46
weekends. Like I'm doing drugs from the
44:48
second I wake up time, you know, my day, my morning, my life,
44:52
everything revolves around me getting high.
44:55
Yeah, I was always the person that like I'll start tomorrow,
44:58
I'll start tomorrow. But I will like when I was like
45:00
when I was with my ex and always having drugs on me and I would
45:04
be getting like alcohol, like, you know, driven to me like by I
45:08
don't remember. It's like dial a bottle type
45:09
shit. I can't remember, but I always
45:11
say like, OK, once I get rid of all this alcohol and do all of
45:14
this, I'll be done. But then it's like still take me
45:17
a while to keep doing it, right? And then once after the three
45:19
days are done, it's like, OK, now I want more.
45:22
And it's like that deadly cycle. But I remember to realizing that
45:26
I had like, maybe this is a problem.
45:28
Like I think it was. Oh God, I was.
45:32
I was just always bailing on people and I was bailing and I'd
45:35
rather get high than hang out with people.
45:37
And I'd rather be alone than hang out with people.
45:39
I'd rather even like grabbing a bag with like friends and stuff.
45:42
I'd grab my own bag secretly and then keep it and then just go
45:46
get high by myself. And then I liked it because
45:48
nobody judged me. Nobody judged the amount I was
45:51
doing. A good point.
45:53
And I was like, OK, this might be bad.
45:55
And I remember, like, I remember talking to one of my oldest
45:58
friends too, like I grew up with her and she kind of had a
46:01
feeling like I was losing a lot of weight.
46:03
I was so skinny. Everyone had a feeling,
46:05
especially from my hometown and I was living there.
46:07
And everyone kind of figured it. And I remember my best friend at
46:11
the time, she kind of put me around, but we weren't friends
46:13
for a while. But I was like, actually like, I
46:16
have like, this is bad. This is really, really bad.
46:19
And then she starts like crying. But I'm like, OK, forget we said
46:21
on any of this, like, forget it. You know, let's just go have
46:24
another drink. And if that was that, summer was
46:29
not even a rock bottom for me. I know I had still a lot more
46:32
digging to do, but that was a realization of like, I like this
46:38
too much. Yeah.
46:39
And I'm gonna be like, I'm gonna fight until I can get this next
46:43
high everyday and. That's all I'm gonna do.
46:45
And like you said, another good point.
46:47
You brought up lots of good points.
46:48
I'm happy we had you on today. Thanks.
46:50
But one of the things that you said to me that that stuck out
46:53
was like, and near the end, I wasn't even like, I was like
46:56
avoiding friends, but you know, I was just wanting to get high
46:58
by myself, right? But I remember the Christmas
47:01
prior to the one that that just passed last year, the 2024, No
47:06
23/20/2023 Christmas, I come back from work.
47:10
I was gone for about a month, month and a half, hadn't seen my
47:12
family, right. And I was so excited to see
47:14
them. We were talking for weeks
47:15
before, Oh, I can't wait to see you.
47:16
I can't wait to see you. And I was only there for like 4
47:18
days and I had to go back to work with come on with the 23rd
47:20
and had to leave on the 27th. So I got back on the 23rd and I
47:24
was working in the Bush at the time.
47:26
So like I what there was like very little, there was still
47:29
some drug use at that point, but like, I wasn't getting as high
47:31
as I would have. I would have been home because
47:33
there's nowhere to buy drugs where I was, or else I would
47:35
have been getting high. Yeah.
47:36
But I come home and I have like aunts, uncles, cousins, like I
47:40
have a very, very big good family.
47:41
And everyone flew into my little hometown like they do every year
47:43
to have Christmas. And I went over the first night
47:46
that everyone got together for a supper.
47:47
I didn't even go right. And then I went on the, I went
47:50
on the Christmas Eve and I genuinely enjoy these things.
47:53
Like I love my family and it's so fun to be around the but I
47:55
was just wanted to get high so bad.
47:57
I remember I got it was actually on methadone.
47:59
I got super high, like completely high to the point
48:02
where like I was like not even there.
48:04
And I went to my everyone was at my parents house.
48:07
And at this point my dad kind of thought because of my addiction
48:09
was about four or five years of getting real bad.
48:12
But this is probably around like 2 years ago, right?
48:13
We're a year and a half and my dad wasn't sure.
48:16
He kind of thought I was getting better a little bit because I
48:18
wasn't using his heart when I was in the Bush.
48:20
So I come home, everyone was happy to see me.
48:22
Oh, Caleb's doing better. He found a job he really likes.
48:25
I come back and I was sitting on my dad's couch.
48:27
I'll never forget this. And there's like 15 people in
48:30
the house and I'm sitting on the couch.
48:31
We're all watching TV. And my I looked at my dad and my
48:34
dad looked at me and he knew I was fucked up.
48:36
He knew. He didn't say nothing, but I
48:38
could see it in my dad's eyes, like disappointment.
48:40
Disappointment, right? And then I stayed for a bit.
48:42
I went home like barely seen them over the Christmas holidays
48:47
and I had to leave on the 27th. And then I Remember Me and my
48:49
dad. We had talked about it right,
48:51
like before I left, he's like, you were fucked up the other day
48:53
when you're at my house. Like he was disappointed and he
48:56
was whatever feeling he had, He was not happy right, seeing as
48:59
his his son like that. But I remember like just I
49:01
didn't even want to be around them.
49:03
I just want to sit in my house and get high, not even high with
49:05
anyone. I just want to get high on my by
49:07
myself, right? And it's just.
49:09
The addiction just takes over. You know what I mean?
49:12
I have such a beautiful family. I have beautiful friends I love.
49:14
I my brother's my best friend and I didn't want to spend any
49:16
time with them after not seeing them for months because I was
49:19
working. I just wanted to get high.
49:20
And then, yeah, there I am, back off to work.
49:23
So, Emily, if you could say something to someone right now
49:28
that's really struggling, you know, doesn't know how to stop,
49:31
doesn't know what to do next, doesn't know how to talk about
49:33
it, what, you know, maybe a woman, maybe a man, maybe a
49:36
person. What would you say to that
49:37
person right now? OK, so it I would probably give
49:42
them a huge hug. I would give them a hug and say
49:45
you're going to be OK. You are not bad.
49:48
You are not a bad person for wanting to do this to yourself.
49:51
You are not stupid. You are not, you know,
49:54
incapable. You are enough.
49:56
This is a problem that you have and you're going to deal with
50:00
it, but you'll always kind of have that.
50:02
And I kind of like make it clear to them, I guess this is
50:05
actually, I'm just totally making this like this is what I
50:07
would do, but I would make it clear to them.
50:09
But then I would always recommend therapy or group
50:13
therapy or meetings and. Some kind of professional?
50:16
Help, some kind of professional help, because I do actually have
50:18
people that come to me and say like, I've been so bad I can't
50:21
stop drinking and I'm just like, oh God, I'm not professional,
50:25
right? But like this is what worked
50:26
for. Me, this is what I did.
50:27
Yeah, this is what I did and it took me a fucking damn long
50:30
time. Like 2 rehabs later, all this
50:32
therapy, all this like sober living, Oh my God.
50:35
Like it took me a long fucking time, but it's so worth it.
50:39
It is so fucking worth it. And yeah, I would just really
50:43
tell that person you're not bad because like there's so much
50:48
shame, there's so much guilt and it's so attached and it's just
50:51
you're going to like hate yourself and try.
50:53
You can't like this. You must be suffering so much in
50:57
order for you to like want to do this to yourself.
51:00
And we see that. I see that, I hear you.
51:02
I see you type type of things. So yeah, I would definitely kind
51:07
of approach it that way, especially, you know, like
51:09
younger women who, you know, especially like in the sex
51:13
industry too, because I have a lot of friends that were in
51:15
that. That's a bad slippery slope as
51:18
well. I never was in it, thank God.
51:20
I, I could have. But anyways, I could have been
51:24
easily. But like a lot of my friends
51:26
were just like deep, deep, deep into that.
51:28
And they had no way out because they were making all this money.
51:32
But then your their addiction was also getting worse.
51:34
That's a like, I'm gonna touch on that quickly because like as
51:38
a woman, like that has to be almost addicting in a way.
51:42
Like, oh, absolutely. Like you're a beautiful girl.
51:44
You're like, I need some money. I know if I just, you know, put
51:47
this out there, like 150 guys are gonna text me in the first
51:50
hour. Absolutely.
51:51
And then you're gonna get money. You're gonna get money.
51:52
Like, and I don't want to say that's an easy source of money
51:56
because I truly don't think it's easy what you guys have to put
51:58
yourself. Together.
52:00
Back in my addiction, if I knew OK, I got to go through this
52:03
shitty thing for an hour with some guy don't or a girl I don't
52:06
want to be with whatever it is, but I'm going to get like a
52:07
couple 100 bucks. It's like that's it's addicting.
52:10
And I actually, I actually replicate that with the tutor
52:13
that I had. Like, shit, I have to go through
52:15
this next hour with this guy in order to get grades.
52:19
And like I always just had, I always felt like, do I really
52:22
have to do this in order to be good?
52:24
Like, it was just, you know, to the shitty, shitty things.
52:27
I don't know why that just came up.
52:28
But like, you saying that just repified that in a way.
52:32
But yeah, like, the industry obviously, like, I can't really
52:35
speak too much on it, but I did have a girl on my podcast who
52:38
was in it, and it was tough for her to get out of that.
52:41
Imagine, you know, especially with the money coming through.
52:44
But when she did get out, it was hard for a while.
52:49
Obviously you're not making as much money.
52:51
But of course you if you want to align your life into a life
52:54
where you kind of picture you if you want to have like a husband
52:57
or kids like. You have to get out of.
52:59
It get out of it, Yeah. It's just not.
53:01
It's just not gonna work. One of the one of the many
53:03
things that this isn't talked about enough.
53:06
Yeah, I think it's important to know too, that some women and,
53:09
you know, maybe men too, but some women are forced to be
53:13
there too, right? Like there's a huge, you know,
53:15
human trafficking problem that we have.
53:18
Absolutely. And I just want to add to that,
53:19
too, that, and I'll share this in the show notes too.
53:21
But there are resources and shelters and safe places where
53:25
women can go. Yeah.
53:26
And you know, the the important thing is, is you have to you
53:30
have to come to a realization that you want to stop.
53:32
Yeah, right. You want to get out of it and
53:34
then reach out for help. And the help is there because
53:36
people have done it before, right?
53:38
You're you're not alone. It's.
53:39
There and and it's it's it's been easier now, I think for
53:44
that. I had a girl I was in a sober
53:47
living house who was in the sex industry as well.
53:50
And it like looking at her life, I'm like, oh God, that's that
53:53
looks hard. Like it just kind of turned me
53:55
off of it. Like all the shit she had to do.
53:57
It's just like, that's not does not look fun for me.
54:00
But yeah, there is a dark side to it.
54:02
You know, it is not so glamorous as people probably put it off
54:06
like, you know, if you love sex, like, why not get paid for it?
54:09
Sure, yeah, that'd be great. But no is there your addiction
54:13
comes in too many different. Ways.
54:14
Yeah, well, just use that. Thing, Emily, it's been great
54:17
having you on the podcast. Where can we find you?
54:19
Where can people find you? Yeah, so you can go to my
54:21
Instagram. It's called at Talks on the
54:23
Rocks podcast with like an under score.
54:25
You can also follow me personally.
54:27
It's like the letter MSOUR. I don't know why, but listen to
54:32
my podcast. It's on Spotify.
54:34
I'm actually, if I can say this, season 3 is coming out May 13th.
54:38
Nice. So watch out for that.
54:40
I'm gonna have my new episode, hopefully, maybe have you guys
54:42
on. Would be a lot of fun.
54:44
And thank you so much for having me.
54:46
Seriously, this was a really good conversation and it's good
54:49
awareness. Yeah, thanks.
54:50
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
54:53
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54:56
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
54:58
informational and motivational purposes only.
55:01
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice,
55:05
addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is
55:08
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
55:11
physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional.
55:14
You are no longer alone.