Latest / The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast / DIY Lesbian Visibility Day

Transcript

DIY Lesbian Visibility Day · The Lesbian Loudmouth Podcast

• 0:00
  Hello, friends. I'm chewing gum. Fart farming. Hello, friends.
• 0:04
  I'm driving and talking at the same time.
• 0:07
  Happy Lesbian Visibility Week to one and all.
• 0:11
  I didn't really know that was a thing, but it keeps coming up on my Threads
• 0:15
  feed, and I'm at 14% battery on my phone, so we'll see how far we get here.
• 0:19
  Okay, there's a few basic things I need to get off my chest,
• 0:23
  one of them being, in fact lesbian visibility week and
• 0:26
  I celebrated by putting in
• 0:29
  hood struts like you know the things that keep your hood open they kind
• 0:32
  of have like a noise as though right and then it holds your hood up for you
• 0:37
  and I swapped those out the only reason I realized that those were broken was
• 0:42
  because I took my car to the shop and because it was making a really bad noise
• 0:46
  when I braked and yeah I needed brakes and rotors, front and rear,
• 0:51
  ball joint, flex capacitor, that kind of thing.
• 0:53
  God, that was expensive. I didn't, yeah, I didn't need that.
• 0:57
  I didn't need that in my life. But you know what? It's maintenance.
• 0:59
  It's what a car costs and things of that nature.
• 1:02
  And yeah, they told me that my washer fluid was low and that my hood struts
• 1:06
  were going to break any second now and then crush me to death.
• 1:09
  And I thought, joke's on you. I never opened the hood.
• 1:13
  Okay, sorry. Yeah, I took it upon myself to fix the hood struts.
• 1:17
  That was really easy and stupid, but a very lesbian activity.
• 1:21
  And turns out the reason my washer fluid was low is because I needed a new windshield
• 1:27
  washer pump, which sounds really complicated, but it's not.
• 1:31
  It wasn't. Cost me 80 bucks.
• 1:34
  And I did it on my driveway to be visible on account of how it's lesbian visibility weak, right?
• 1:41
  So I did two visible things and you may be like
• 1:44
  oh hey how did you do that with one hand because you broke your wrist you big
• 1:46
  faker i did do it with one hand you can
• 1:49
  it's pretty much plug and play i just i just i only needed the one and everyone
• 1:54
  on youtube only did it with one hand anyway so yeah there you go i tried to
• 1:58
  talk my son into like a father-son event and he was just not interested and
• 2:02
  that's fine i even pulled the wall gonna be dead any second now card and he
• 2:06
  was like yeah you know even though it's.
• 2:09
  Rather not. I'm like, what about pride in a job well done? He was like,
• 2:12
  actually, no, turns out I'd rather not.
• 2:14
  And then I'm like, listen, I will tell you my C-section story again because
• 2:17
  the little fucker just turned 14 not too long ago.
• 2:20
  Yeah. Well, in his defense, he did have a sweaty mustache, but so did I, right?
• 2:24
  Like, let's not get into a sweaty mustache competition. I'm an Italian woman.
• 2:29
  I also have a sweaty mustache.
• 2:31
  Okay. Anyway, my mom has finally turned on Trump, everyone.
• 2:34
  And I remember, I remember when it was 2016 and Trump was running against Hillary
• 2:41
  Clinton. And I just, I thought this, this is absurd.
• 2:45
  There is no way this fucking buffoon is going to win. There's no way.
• 2:49
  Who, who would vote for this fucking idiot? And then I woke up and I was like, oh, wow.
• 2:56
  Okay then. But I remember shortly after 2016, this 2016 election,
• 3:00
  Sorry. My mom was like, well, a woman can't be president.
• 3:03
  And I thought, wow, that is like a lot of internalized misogyny.
• 3:06
  Is that what that's called when you're you're a woman and you think a woman
• 3:09
  couldn't do a job like that?
• 3:12
  All right. And, you know, she she doesn't get all of the information like she watches the.
• 3:20
  Half the time I go to her house and it's just like she's watching a rainfall on YouTube.
• 3:24
  And I'm like, do you like this? She's like, yeah, it's for relaxi. And I was like, okay.
• 3:29
  Didn't know laying on the couch was so stressful, but all right.
• 3:32
  So she doesn't exactly have her fingers on the pulse, right?
• 3:35
  But the thing is, she does watch Italian news and Italian news, very Catholic.
• 3:40
  They are a very Catholic country, very patriarchal. Is that a word?
• 3:44
  I'm going to go with it, okay? Not going to try and say it again,
• 3:47
  though. That's for sure.
• 3:48
  Yeah so she's like hmm trump no
• 3:52
  like of the pope and i'm like i don't
• 3:55
  know and she's like i know like a trump and now really why
• 3:59
  well he should know talk to talk to talk about the pope like that and i'm like
• 4:04
  yeah i know he should mind his own fucking business right and she's like yeah
• 4:08
  and maybe not start wars right and she's like yeah but also the trump the trump
• 4:13
  talk about the pope And I'm like, yeah, I know,
• 4:16
  he's also a rapist, and a felon, and steals money from children with cancer.
• 4:21
  Yeah, but of the Pope, although, I'm like, okay, whatever, man.
• 4:25
  Look, the point is, she's come around, all right, full circle,
• 4:28
  it just took him like shit-talking the Pope, that's what it took.
• 4:33
  I hope that worked on a lot of other Catholics, now people are saying that they
• 4:36
  believe he's the Antichrist.
• 4:38
  Oh, no, really, no, no, God, no, stop.
• 4:45
  It could be. All right. The last thing I want to talk to you about.
• 4:48
  Thank God. You're right. I know. I have no friends. I've got one arm.
• 4:52
  Nobody likes me. Although I am visible. Okay. I just want to be clear.
• 4:57
  I draped myself in a fucking pride flag and opened up the hood of my car.
• 5:02
  And the other lesbian in the neighborhood who I secretly have a competition
• 5:05
  with was walking her three huge dogs by my house.
• 5:09
  And I was like, you need a chihuahua.
• 5:15
  Because you know she had three big dogs so she needs a little tiny dog and i
• 5:18
  hated myself for the rest of the day because i said that out loud anybody anybody
• 5:22
  else ruminating no just just me okay all right well yeah no i know i shouldn't
• 5:28
  have i just thought but you know what she could have just been a straight mom
• 5:30
  with short hair it's fucking thin line there dude i i cannot tell,
• 5:36
  sometimes i meet somebody and i'm like oh she's she's one
• 5:39
  of ours for sure for sure this
• 5:43
  woman has been wrist deep in a woman i know
• 5:46
  it and then she starts talking about her partner and i'm like i fucking knew
• 5:49
  it and then she drops like the the pronoun he and
• 5:52
  i was like oh gross that was nice to you man that's fucking fuck off who you
• 5:59
  know like and all these women that are gym teachers appropriating my fucking
• 6:04
  culture get out of here put that clipboard down hand in your whistle.
• 6:10
  This is not for you. Okay? That's all right.
• 6:15
  Last thing I want to talk to you about, all right, focus, ADHD, focus.
• 6:20
  I've learned that there is an estrogen and progesterone shortage in Canada.
• 6:25
  It's probably because they took the estrogen and progesterone off of the blacklist
• 6:32
  because someone did research once like 45 fucking years ago and said that it'll
• 6:36
  kill you with breast cancer,
• 6:38
  but they didn't mention all of the good things that hormone replacement does.
• 6:41
  And finally, someone did more research and was like, actually,
• 6:46
  you know, starving people of estrogen and progesterone is like way worse than
• 6:50
  the tiny, tiny, tiny chance of getting breast cancer.
• 6:55
  And yeah, you know, we all rejoiced and we were glad of it.
• 6:58
  But now there's a shortage because either they're not making enough of it or
• 7:03
  there's just a high demand or perhaps it's free now, like Sugar said,
• 7:07
  that we don't have to pay for it anymore.
• 7:09
  And thank the good Lord. because I haven't even really thought about drowning my kids in a few months.
• 7:15
  I mean, there's been the odd day, but my window, like that window's shut. They're too big now.
• 7:20
  My daughter's almost my height. My son is like fucking 5'10 now,
• 7:24
  which is really obnoxious.
• 7:25
  And the doctor's like, well, if you keep growing, you'll be like six feet,
• 7:28
  6'2". And I was just, I rolled my eyes so hard.
• 7:32
  I saw into the past. It was just like amazing.
• 7:35
  I thought, fuck, I'm going to live with this fucking news. I'm just
• 7:38
  gonna brag about it for the next fucking 15 years anyway
• 7:41
  it's fine have kids listen if you're a lesbian out there and you're like hey
• 7:45
  I have a lot of money and a lot of free time and two working arms I should have
• 7:50
  a kid no I you should have a kid you should have a kid I think you really should
• 7:55
  I I think you should yeah I mean I don't want to brag or anything.
• 8:00
  My daughter told me I'm not the best mom, but I'm not the worst.
• 8:04
  And then my son, I had Gypsy Rose Blanchard's reality show on in the background.
• 8:08
  He's like, what's this about?
• 8:09
  And I said, well, she got a guy to murder her mom.
• 8:12
  And then she also went to jail for conspiracy or something. And he's like,
• 8:16
  geez, just don't murder your mom. It's not that hard.
• 8:20
  See, like nailing it.
• 8:23
  Nailing it. I have to invent situations. And I'm like, hey, you should tell
• 8:28
  your therapist about this one, okay?
• 8:30
  The time I yelled at you because you didn't get in the car by 8.15,
• 8:33
  because you somehow forgot that school starts at the same time every fucking
• 8:36
  day of your life for like, I don't know, 10 years now?
• 8:40
  Okay, anyway, it's fine. It's fine, guys. It's fine. Listen,
• 8:42
  if you're out there, you're a young lesbian, and you're like,
• 8:45
  can I dare I dream of a sad, mundane, penniless life with zero time because
• 8:51
  you're always at a volleyball tournament? Yes, you can.
• 8:54
  You can. During this week of lesbian visibility, you can dream of a life as
• 9:00
  boring and meaningless and fruitless as mine.
• 9:04
  All right? Because I remember, I remember being a young girl in love with Mindy
• 9:09
  in kindergarten and knowing it would never, ever work out for us because girls
• 9:15
  can't marry other girls.
• 9:16
  For shame. For shame. And I hung my head.
• 9:20
  But now, listen, if you're a kid you're young you're 13 14
• 9:23
  18 26 you can get married you can
• 9:26
  have a boring shitty little life too don't worry it's possible
• 9:29
  for you okay that's all i want to say all right listen i gotta
• 9:33
  go my phone's at 12 battery i just want you guys to
• 9:35
  know i appreciate you all of this new influx of
• 9:38
  listeners some of which i think might be real i
• 9:41
  can't really tell but i'm gonna guess the listeners
• 9:44
  from uzbekistan uh weren't real but it
• 9:47
  was fun to get the numbers clocked in that's that's fun
• 9:50
  for me i have a segment from electric gary
• 9:53
  i just cannot do that while i'm driving i sent
• 9:56
  him a message and i was like hey you know you're the township lounge podcast
• 10:00
  you put on my stream still gets downloaded like a lot and people must like it
• 10:05
  because like they listen to every single fucking one of them and he's like oh
• 10:07
  thanks and i think he thought that meant that he he had to give me a segment
• 10:11
  i think he felt like maybe he felt that i i guilted him into it.
• 10:15
  And I didn't mean to. I just meant, hey, I enjoy you. You're fun and nice and
• 10:19
  interesting and funny and a man.
• 10:21
  And like, you know, those are all good qualities to have and such.
• 10:25
  And then he just, yeah, he sent me a segment, but I don't think he's...
• 10:30
  Think it was just generous so I'm gonna play that and
• 10:33
  yeah I just I just want all of you here for like just
• 10:37
  because you feel obligated and that I am in fact a burden like that's
• 10:40
  that's what I'm trying to get across here all right and if all of you could go back
• 10:43
  to the beginning and like don't even listen but just let the episodes play
• 10:46
  like just let them play like put your do you
• 10:49
  have an ipad ipod app ipad like just play just
• 10:52
  let them play you don't have to listen just like turn the volume down but just
• 10:55
  let them play through I'd appreciate that okay listen change of address pod
• 10:58
  at gmail.com if you want to send in a segment because i am in fact a burden
• 11:02
  to you as well please do and if you don't want to that's okay too i don't deserve
• 11:09
  it really like i'm just putting all this shit out for free and it's worth every penny,
• 11:16
  you should get a chihuahua.