Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 257. What Does It Really Mean To "Submit" To Your Husband (Or Wife) In Marriage

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257. What Does It Really Mean To "Submit" To Your Husband (Or Wife) In Marriage · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is what Does it Really Mean to Submit?
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: I think?
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Well, I know, when I hear that word, you know I kind of cringe and I'm like, oh, I don't like that word because a lot of seems like a lot of men, a lot of Christian men, use the scriptures or the bible to say, oh, my wife needs to make love to me because it says in the scriptures that she needs to submit in me.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: I submit to me.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: I think that's totally wrong.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: I think that's probably evil, if I can use that word.
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, um, it doesn't just mean that a wife should just give in and have sex with her husband every anytime he wants it.
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: That's not what it means at all.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about it.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: We're going to talk about that and give you our thoughts and our feelings and you can disagree or agree or whatever you want.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: But again, this is our thoughts and our feelings, but I think before we jump in.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: One of the things Amy and I wanted to do is there's a lot of new people listening to the podcast.
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: We kind of wanted to quickly just share who we are, a little bit about us and why we do what we do.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Is that appropriate?
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: Let's do it.
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: So, oh, go ahead.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: No, no, lead us off.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: You're way better.
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: We're Nick and Amy.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: We have been married 22 years, almost in June.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Oh, just, they've been all blissful and perfect.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's funny.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: Nothing bad has ever happened.
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: That's funny.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Nick thinks that we live in utopia.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: We have a marriage.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, we have a great marriage now.
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: He was joking.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: We have a great marriage now.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: Now but we had to get there through a lot of effort, correct yeah, we almost got divorced, um we didn't almost get divorced, but we had actually that's not true.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I remember sitting on the beach at the lake for like 10 seconds.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Well, and we both were like we're done, let's just get divorced and for like an hour we're just like, yeah, we're done.
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: And then we well, we all know that nick exaggerates.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: So it was probably like five minutes and we didn't actually almost get divorced.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: But we got to a point where we both looked at each other and was like what do we do right now?
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, right, yeah, and I think a lot of us, a lot of married couples, have been in that situation where they look at each other like what has happened, like how did we get here correct?
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: anyways, long that's a long.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: That's another story.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you've already heard our story went through hard times.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: We implemented some stuff at year around what 15?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: I don't want to get it wrong, because I'm always somewhere around somewhere around year 15.
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: We had put our kids first, we had neglected our marriage, we had neglected emotional intimacy, just things, and I think that going through really, really hard times and then turning our marriage around has made us stronger and happier because we've learned so much.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of where the app and the podcast started right, and I think because we've been through so much together.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: I think when you go through tough times together and you come out on the other side.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: A lot of times you come out stronger for sure, you can and there's and there's no question I think, as I look back, I would not wish our worst enemy to go through what we went through, but I'm I am glad that we did, because I do feel like our relationship and marriage is stronger and I feel like as we face future trials or things that we're going to have, I feel like we'll be stronger from it.
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: So, as Amy said, yeah, we've been married about 22 years.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: We have four kids.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: We're almost teenagers.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're getting more in the teenage stage.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: It ranges from age 20 down to almost 12.
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: And we never thought we would be doing this as a job.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: We I my background is a golf I was a golf professional and also played a little bit and Amy's a graphic designer and we just had what we thought were our careers and life kind of mapped out.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: And it's amazing how life can completely take a turn and put you in another direction.
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: And we do feel like this was a direction we were led to kind of be in.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: And we are not marriage therapists, we're not marriage experts, so to speak.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: I think we just we're an expert in our own marriage.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: We're an expert in our own marriage and we just want to share with you the things that we've done in our own relationship, the things that we've learned along the path, and share these things and our experiences and our thoughts with each and every one of you, thoughts which, with each and every one of you, and hopefully can help each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship as well.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: So, again, this is coming from our standpoint of our thoughts and our feelings and what we've learned, and you can take it for what it's worth.
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and so our background.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: When things got really hard, it was because of financial infidelity that happened in our marriage.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: That in itself is betrayal and caused a lot of issues, and so we've gone through the.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: Even though it wasn't like a porn addiction or any of that kind of stuff, it was betrayal in our own way.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: It was really hard for years and years and years and years, a really long time.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: And so we've been through the healing, the forgiveness, the having to look at each other and really decide what do we do, starting right now, to make our marriage better, right, and so, anyways, we've been through our own share of stuff and we won't get into that.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: But I'm really excited about today's podcast episode and I think it's important.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: And I was really excited about today's podcast episode and I think it's important and I was really shocked.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: The reason I want to talk about this is because I'm so shocked about the last social media post that we did about emotional intimacy coming before sexual intimacy and, of course, so many husbands.
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: I was like I didn't even think it was a con.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I just don't think this is a controversial topic.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: I feel like this is like common sense.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: If you're in a loving marriage, it's common sense to be like yeah, your spouse needs to feel loved and respected before sex is going to happen.
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: Right, like I just yeah, Like it's like a big duh to me, but apparently people that are going through hard things or don't feel like their needs met, they're triggered by saying anything about us.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: You're, a certain spouse's needs are more important than others, and I get that like if your marriage is struggling, you're gonna find things that are said that are gonna trigger you, right?
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: yeah, absolutely, and I think you know how does this hit on what we're going to talk about today.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of the men's attitude is like, well, my wife should just have sex with me.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't need to have a good emotional connection, this should just be part of marriage.
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: And a lot of people really separate emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy and think that they're two totally different things.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: In reality, they both go hand in hand, as we've talked about so much.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: If you don't have good emotional intimacy, the sexual intimacy isn't going to be there, and vice versa, if you don't typically have good sexual intimacy in your marriage, it's probably going to be lacking in the emotional intimacy as well.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: So they do really go hand in hand.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: But again, it is amazing how many people just feel like it is their spouse's duty to just have sex with them whenever they want.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: And so that's really what we're going to talk about today, because a lot of men use the Bible and scripture to say, oh, this is what was said and this shows that my wife just needs to be submissive and have sex with me whenever I want.
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: But that is not what that means.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: That is toxic and it breaks my heart to think that a man would ever think that, because God created marriage for it to be loving and uniting, not, I mean sex is one of the most vulnerable acts loving acts that was created for a man and a wife, right so yeah, so we're going to jump into this.
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about what submission actually means and like what it actually means yeah, I mean again, I think, submission, when.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: When it's talking about submission, um, I think it means to submit to god, right, like we're going to submit to God and do what he wants us to do, right, but that doesn't mean that a wife has to submit to her husband and just do whatever he wants her to do.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: One thing we know is God is always going to be right and perfect, but we as human beings are not right, we're not perfect.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: We're human.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: We make decisions.
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: A lot of times, we make bad decisions and we oftentimes uh, use, use things to gratify our own self-serving interests, so to speak.
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: Right, um, I really love what focus on the family said on on their website under an, and it says biblical submission allows a wife to confidently follow her husband's lead.
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: It makes it clear in Ephesians 5.23 that a man does have a responsibility for leadership in his home, but, again, this is only as a leader that his wife submits to him, not as a tyrant or her superior.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: And I think oftentimes too, like when it means to submit, you know, a wife to submit to the husband, that is only happening when the marriage is is good and both spouses are have that trust and that confidence in each other and and things are good.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: And that doesn't mean that, again, a wife should just submit to her husband.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: And I can't, I can't state that enough.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: If that's happening in in your marriage, if if that's being used as guilt, uh that's, that's totally wrong.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Well, the entire Bible.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: We're taught in scripture to submit to God right, Like to follow God, like to follow the commandments, to love one another, to love our neighbors, to love ourselves, to love our spouse, like that.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: And then a wife submits right, Like so she's going to submit to a leader, to someone who's following Christ, which means to me that emotional intimacy is already there, Like that's what emotional intimacy is.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: To me is love, it's kindness, it's respect, it's those things that God talks about in every story and every scripture.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: To love Right, that is love.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Like a wife should not be expected to submit to anything if there is not love first.
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: Love is always first, and I'm like I don't understand why that is so hard to comprehend.
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think when Paul says wives submit to your husbands, that does not give permission for the husbands to abuse or manipulate or use their wife.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: And I think, too, a lot of people often confuse the word submission as, like, you have to do it right.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Right, submission is voluntary and free agency in a good relationship.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: In a good relationship.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: It's also respect and partnership.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: It's also mutual love and leadership.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: It's about spiritual alignment.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: It's about equality in Christ, Like.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: Those are all the things that interpret what submission really means.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: Right Like a husband submits to christ, he's already being a loving, respectful man.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: He's already being a leader he trusts.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: That's who's god's talking about he, he trusts god, he trusts christ right right and he's willing to submit to them, um, without force.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: He's willing to do that on his own, free will, because of the relationship, because of the love, because of the trust.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: That's why we are willing to submit to Christ.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: Submit to God is because of that relationship that we have with him.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Right, so should I jump into this.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think that'd be great, Okay, so yesterday or the day before, I did a post that said A husband needs sexual intimacy to feel loved, but a wife needs emotional intimacy first to want sexual intimacy, which comes first.
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: That's not a controversial topic, right?
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: It shouldn't be.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: It shouldn't be.
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: It shouldn't be, because for men a lot of men are- going to say well, I need sexual intimacy first before I want to emotionally connect.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: No, no, yeah, they'll say that, but that's not right.
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: No, I know but, what I'm saying is yeah, like we talk about all the time is emotional and sexual intimacy absolutely go hand in hand.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: If you cut off the sex, I'm probably going to cut off the emotional intimacy.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: But there was still emotional intimacy first, when you fell in love and started dating right this is okay.
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: I this podcast wasn't supposed to be about.
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, we always talk about that game played in marriage.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Like I need this, you need this.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: Who goes first?
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: Right, like it it starts to, can't it in a toxic relationship?
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: That is a game that is played correct and we're not gonna.
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: We've already talked about that quite a bit, but that's kind of what this is going to be about in a different way.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: But so the next part of this I said emotional intimacy comes first, always the basics, the things that you do for someone that you love.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: And then I listed respect, kindness, caring, listening, talking, affection.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: To me, those are basic needs.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Those are basic needs in a marriage.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: And, and yes, like we talked about, a husband feels loved through sexual intimacy.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Right, that's where he feels loved.
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: But we're saying here like a wife literally should feel respected, treated with kindness, cared for.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: She should feel feel loved with kindness, cared for.
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: She should feel feel loved, not just told she's loved.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: She should feel loved before any husband expects her to want to be intimate, right, and then it says, um, it's coming.
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: If you don't focus on the emotional needs first, she will not feel loved through sex.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: There is a huge difference between sex and sexual intimacy in marriage.
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, this is why I don't understand why this post was controversial.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: See, we, we did polls with thousands of husbands asking him what sexual intimacy looks like in their marriage.
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: Right, and the big distinction between sex, the physical act of sex, and sexual intimacy.
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: Intimacy is feeling loved, connected, united.
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: It is that uniting sex that both people feel deeply connected to each other, and all the husbands that took our survey said that's what I want.
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: That's why I want sex is to feel those emotions with my wife.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: That's how I feel loved, right?
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: So if you want sexual intimacy in marriage, there should absolutely be kindness and respect and love and nurturing in your marriage for that to even happen, which means that comes first.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Oh, for sure and and doesn't every husband want that too?
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: The difference is this is the just difference that I found in this in this post and why people are they yes, husbands need to feel they feel loved through sex.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: See here okay, here let's see if I can explain this a husband, if he just had a fight, or if his wife was nagging about something or she's not being super kind to him, most husbands would probably still go have sex.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Would you agree with that?
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: Because husbands don't need to feel 100% emotionally connected to their wife, because if they get sex then they start feeling that correct.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Well, and I think one of the other reasons is because a husband would then feel like, okay, everything's okay.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: Even though we had an argument, even though we disagree, even though this happened, we still love each other.
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: She still loves me.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: And going back to our experience, when you still made love to me, with all the things that were going on, that reassured to me that, okay, she actually still loves me right, right, right.
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: But I think a lot of husbands get confused with this.
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: That we're listing this.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Oh, you have to romance her, you have to do this, you have to give her everything she needs.
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: That's not what we're talking about.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Like we said before, these are basic needs.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: This is called love, caring, kindness and respect, and no wife is going to want to be intimate without feeling those things first.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: Like see, we're all after the same things in marriage, it's just we feel them in different ways or in different orders, in different orders, right?
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: So you want me to read a couple of these comments.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: This is what yeah, and how this relates to being submissive right okay.
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: So yeah, we're going to tie this into being submissive.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: Um, I pinned a couple of the great ones.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Uh, one lady said men need to man up.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: God made the man, the leader, to set the tone for the home and all relationships in the home, to carry the weight of the family and every action within the home To be the example.
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: First, it only benefits a man to be kind, caring and loving to his wife, because if he is, then she wants to make love and it's better because she's connected and safe feeling from the way her husband treats her.
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: A woman is like a flower and a kind, loving man makes her bloom.
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: She opens herself up in the innermost part of herself to him and he receives all that she has the best part of her.
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: But a harsh, unloving man or a man that refuses to act like the man god created him will never bloom that flower.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: You'll only experience the hard outer shell of the flower, never reaping the benefits in sight, never knowing your wife beyond surface level.
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: It benefits a man to be the king of the home and loving so that that flower blooms.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: That's awesome.
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: Was that amazing?
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: That was really good.
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: I mean, like, what an amazing, amazing comment.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: I was so glad that she shared that.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: That is what submission is is a husband submitting to God and then his wife wanting to submit to him?
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: That's the difference, right, Like not you're going to submit to me.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: I want to be so amazing that you want to submit to me, you want to make love to me, because if, if, most men, like they said in the polls, are wanting that connected sex, they're wanting their wife to want that connected sex.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: And that starts with these basic needs.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Well, I think it goes both ways right, like I would submit to you with your needs, because I love you and because I desire you, and I mean right.
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: So I think, I think it goes both ways, like we submit to our wives for certain things and agreed vice versa right, Absolutely In a in a good and righteous relationship.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: Right we had another comment from a guy this is pretty biased who says it's emotional intimacy first.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: If he isn't feeling loved and accepted with sexual intimacy, he isn't going to be able to fill her emotional needs and I agree with that.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of men that are just like I do everything, I have nothing left to give.
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: She just won't even, you know, acknowledge me or or want to be intimate with me.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: And I think there comes a point where that's so true like again we've talked about all the time like if that's the way a man feels love is through sexual intimacy and they're not connecting intimately, he's only going to have so much that he can give until he's just done Right.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I like that you pointed that out, because I think when God talks about being submissive, it's to a righteous man.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: It's to a righteous man Because God created sexual intimacy to be very important in marriage, and so if a husband is loving his wife and and helping and and nurturing her emotional needs and respecting her, then sexual intimacy should absolutely be prioritized and it should be, and I and I was gonna say a wife should be having sexual intimacy with her husband.
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: Now again, we're not saying that that looks like um, anytime he wants it, that she has it.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: That's not what we're saying at all but you, you have to.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: A lot of women just think oh, if I don't want to make love or have sex, then I don't want to and therefore we're not not going to do it Like I.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: It's hard.
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: It's hard because that is an important piece of the puzzle as well, and again we've said this in previous podcasts.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: Imagine what you would feel like or do if your husband just completely turned off all the emotional intimacy and said I'm not, I'm not in the mood, I'm not going to talk to you, I'm not going to give you what you need.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: How would you feel?
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: You would feel awful.
• 22:23
  Speaker 2: You would feel unwanted, undesired.
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: He that he didn't love you, and you know that's why they go hand in hand.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: For sure I.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I think it's interesting in marriage and you can correct me with this but when we meet each other and we start falling in love and we start dating each other, you don't meet each other for the first night and go climb in bed together.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Some people do.
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: Well, some people do.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: But majority of couples.
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: They get to know each other.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: They date each other.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: A lot of people wait until marriage to be intimate.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: They get to know each other.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: They date each other.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: A lot of people wait until marriage to be intimate.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: They get to know each other.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: They emotionally connect with each other, they fall in love with each other.
• 23:03
  Speaker 2: They need that trust.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: They build trust together.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Right, they have those things.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Why, after marriage, is that any different?
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: I mean, you don't expect your future wife to just go meet her and then climb into bed like it's no different.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: In marriage.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: Those things are still like that's.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: That's the hard time I have with some husbands that like think emotional intimacy doesn't come first.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: Like you dated her and gave her all that emotional intimacy why right like?
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: Like why is that any different?
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: Once you're married, you get to cut that off too.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: No, why do most men get married?
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: well, we've done polls on this before, and it's to have a passionate lover, companionship yeah, they get married.
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: It's not just to have another roommate no, they get married for a sexual relationship with the one that they love.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: With the person they love.
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: If a wife said you know what I love you, but once we get married we're never going to make love, most men would never get married.
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: No, no, I agree with that.
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: So most men get married because they want the sexual intimacy and connection with their wife.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: That's the way they feel loved.
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: That's the way they feel loved.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: That's the way they give love.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: In a lot of cases, that is what keeps a man going in life is the sexual intimacy.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: I 100% agree with that.
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: And why do most women get married?
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: They want.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to answer this honestly?
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: No, I know, I mean they obviously want financial security.
• 24:36
  Speaker 2: They want someone they trust.
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: They want the emotional intimacy they want a father for children, they want a family, they want a best friend next to their side.
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: And number one is they want that emotional connection from a lover, right From the person they chose so a lot of times, there's different needs or different reasons why couples get married, and that's totally okay.
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: But the point is, is when you're married, to meet each other's needs.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: If you love your spouse and your spouse has a need, your job or your I shouldn't say job, maybe that's not the word- it's kind of your duty to take care of certain needs, your duty is to take care of each other and to show love to each other.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: And I don't know, you know, I understand there's like past experiences and things that people go through that make them not enjoy sexual intimacy or make them think that that's bad or or whatever.
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: Right, I totally get that.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: But I think the point I'm trying to get at is, um, we all have different needs and those needs should be respected in in a good and healthy marriage.
• 25:53
  Speaker 2: I don't think it's, I don't think it's right for one spouse to just totally disregard the other spouse's needs just because, oh, I don't want to or I'm not in the mood, you know, or whatever.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: I agree.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: I agree, but it should never be again.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: It should never be something that should be forced or something that, um, we're saying a woman should just have sex with her husband anytime he wants.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: That's not at all what we're saying.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: A woman should just have sex with her husband anytime he wants.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: That's not at all what we're saying.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: But in a healthy and respectful marriage there's definitely some give and take.
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: But that comes back to the submissive.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: A wife should never be submissive unless she's having basic emotional needs met first.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: And that's what's triggering for so many people is when I say the word first.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: And that's what's triggering for so many people is when I say the word first.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Absolute God would want respect, kindness and nurturing before sex in marriage.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Absolutely 100%.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: The whole point of this is that submission comes after love.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: That's the whole entire point, and that's what the Bible talks about right.
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: You can't submit to God until you trust him and love him and believe in him.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: Exactly, and a wife can't submit to her husband until she feels loved and safe and emotionally secure in the marriage.
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: And that's where submission when she feels it's not.
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: It's not like an over the top list, like I need to have all these things to submit to you, it's not like that.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: It's literally.
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: A wife needs to feel loved so I think what we're saying is submission isn't necessarily wrong, it's the way it's used if a husband is saying the bible says you should have is submit to me and that means you just need to have sex with me whenever I want.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: That is that is wrong.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: That is I would even use the word probably evil.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: That is that is totally wrong.
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: But if in a loving relationship, where again the the husband and wife are are meeting the other's needs and doing those things, then yeah, I think the word submissive to a righteous husband is probably an appropriate thing.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Yes, I agree with that.
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: Excuse me, I got a comment.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Meeting our partner's needs should never be dependent on our needs.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: First, on both sides, we sides, we should serve love and meet each other's needs, not if they meet ours, but because that is what we promised to do.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Agree and disagree, I commented back and I said if both people are being kind, loving, respectful and committed, then both needs matter, because there has to be.
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: I call it prerequisites.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: I call it prerequisites to sex.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: I think that there should be prerequisites to sex.
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: I don't think a wife should submit or have sex with her husband if she feels disrespected, if she feels unloved, not to an extreme, but just to a basic, like I'm kind to you, I love you, I'm committed to you, I'm faithful.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: That shows love, like.
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: I think those should be prerequisites to sexual intimacy, because that's like, like I don't want to repeat myself, but that's what sexual intimacy is, is feeling loved.
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's what we all want, right absolutely um, I had another comment.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: Men also need emotional intimacy too, to feel loved as well as not just a woman.
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: A husband should not have to ask a wife to kiss him, hug him or romance him either.
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: 100% agree with that, the whole entire.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to keep reading comments, but the whole point is that we both like I would want every husband to have the same list.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: Like for him to want to make love to his wife.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: I would hope she's being respectful.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Like I would want every husband to have the same list, Like for him to want to make love to his wife.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: I would hope she's being respectful, I would hope she's being kind.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: I would hope men have emotional needs too.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: I would hope she's taking care of those too.
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Like it does go both ways.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: The point I'm trying to make is that most husbands they would probably just go make love to feel that when wives do have to, most wives have to feel that first in order to want to be intimate, and that's important to remember.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: In marriage and emotional intimacy, those basics do need to come first, and when those come first, then submission on both parts is healthy.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I love how you said submission on both parts.
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: Both parts.
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: Because there are absolutely times where I'd submit to you for your needs and your desires, and that's what I should be doing.
• 30:27
  Speaker 1: And in a healthy marriage, both people are submitting to God.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: That's where ultimate intimacy comes from is both people being Christ-like and loving and giving and unselfish, like that's what God wants for our marriages.
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely agree.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: That's all I got.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: That's all you got.
• 30:44
  Speaker 2: That was a great podcast episode, I think you know.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: Hopefully we hit on some important things and opened up your mind and get you thinking, and again, that's just the way we feel.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: We're not saying this is absolutely right or wrong.
• 30:56
  Speaker 2: Yes, give us feedback this is what works in our marriage and the way what we believe and take it for what it's worth.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: I think it's a great conversation to be having your marriage too, Like I like being like hey, let's talk about the word submissive in our marriage.
• 31:10
  Speaker 2: What does that mean to you?
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: What does that mean to you?
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: Am I being submissive?
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Is there something we should talk about here?
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like we're?
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: We're both living this, this?
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: Uh, I don't want to call it a law, but some command, I don't know.
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: Like, uh, what's the word I'm looking for?
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: I think, the, the okay law of submission, whatever you want to call it.
• 31:29
  Speaker 1: That both people are doing that in the marriage.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: Like that looks different to every couple, and so I think it's important conversation well, bottom line is it's amazing how much happier your marriage is going to be when you do submit to each other, when you serve each other, when you maybe do things that you aren't maybe real excited to do, but it comes out of love and service and knowing that something means really great things to your spouse, and so that's.
• 31:57
  Speaker 2: That's really what life is all about is serving others.
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: And I think when you take away the service aspect and say, well, I'm just not going to do this or I'm going to not do this, that's when you really see marriages really fall apart.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: Absolutely.
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: So and anyways, yeah, and so our next episode that will be right after this one is going to be really awesome ways to connect emotionally for a better sex life, and I think if you like this episode, you'll probably love the next one.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: Let us know what you think.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: We love getting all the comments that we get from you.
• 32:31
  Speaker 2: Amy at UltimateIntimacycom, shoot us an email.
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: Let us know what you think.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram if you want to take our polls.
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: We're going to be doing a lot of polls this next week or two because we're getting ready for summer podcasts, so jump on Instagram at ultimate intimacy app so until next time we hope all of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.