Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 28: How to create calm when your home doesn’t feel settled yet.

Transcript

Ep 28: How to create calm when your home doesn’t feel settled yet. · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:05
  This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
• 0:10
  confidence and create
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey,
• 0:16
  I'm the author of How To Divorce Sober and I have helped
• 0:20
  thousands of women to
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
• 0:27
  Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
• 0:31
  podcast to grow and
• 0:33
  if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
• 0:36
  magicdivorceclub.substack.com
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's me, Hannah.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And welcome to April.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Happy April Fool's Day.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not that there are any fools here.
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  SPEAKER_00: Just lots of people going, all right, this is a lot.
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  SPEAKER_00: What do we do next?
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  SPEAKER_00: So what I wanted to talk about today,
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  SPEAKER_00: because the whole theme of April is all about our home life.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like,
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  SPEAKER_00: is there anything more fundamental,
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  SPEAKER_00: really,
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  than the place in which you rest and keep your things and keep
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  your children safe?
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's right up there.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it is the thing that is so...
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know how to word it.
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  It's like one of the biggest things that gets unsettled in
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  divorce is what the hell
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  SPEAKER_00: this place that used to be safe happened,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: what's going to happen to it.
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  And so this whole episode today is about how to create calm
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  even when your home
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  isn't settled in any way you're not sure where you're going to
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  live you're not sure
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  who's going to have the house um you know it's just one big
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  transition what's going
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  to happen next so if your home doesn't feel settled right now I
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  want you to know
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  SPEAKER_00: you're not failing this is one of the big issues in divorce and
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  You know,
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  home just can feel shaky,
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  even if you've stayed in the family home.
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  There's this lingering feeling of not quite having control over
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  how the future is going to look.
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  SPEAKER_00: And if you've already been moving house, like I moved home recently.
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  five times in five years after my divorce,
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  which actually for me is not that unusual.
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  SPEAKER_00: I grew up, my dad's a vicar.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we moved all the time.
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  Like it would be three years here,
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  two years there,
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  you know,
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  a little bit more time there.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I've never found moving home particularly daunting because
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  SPEAKER_00: But as I've got older,
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's a perimenopause thing,
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  SPEAKER_00: probably,
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  SPEAKER_00: the act of moving has become deeply unsettling.
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  SPEAKER_00: So to begin with in my divorce, I'm just like...
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  numb anyway dissociated so I'm like yeah it's another move it's
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  fine we just move
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  house I'll leave all my belongings because I didn't want to
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  bring any of the energy
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  of my old house with me having said that I do still have a one
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  sofa remaining from
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  the old house but yeah um it's really like however you're
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  feeling is what I'm
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  SPEAKER_00: trying to say is
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  fine because it's just one of those things that you can't
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  predict how someone's
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  going to feel when they're moving house or feeling like they're
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  not sure if they're
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  going to move house so please do not underestimate what a big
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  deal it is having
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  SPEAKER_00: your home sorted when you're going through divorce um
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, there's the constant moves, there's change.
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  SPEAKER_00: You might be even blending families.
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  There's stuff around school holidays and what that's going to
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  look like and
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  SPEAKER_00: handovers and just general uncertainty.
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  SPEAKER_00: And yet it is still possible to
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  SPEAKER_00: Feel calm in amongst this.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not dissociated,
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  SPEAKER_00: still feeling your feelings,
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  SPEAKER_00: but coming back to the body and trying to help it settle.
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  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to spend the whole time just bracing.
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  SPEAKER_00: The duck is on the top of the water looking fine,
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  SPEAKER_00: but the legs underneath are ready to move at any moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even when there is uncertainty, it's possible to be calm.
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  SPEAKER_00: And,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: home is not just about the decor and tidiness and having,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: no boxes around and everything having its place.
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  SPEAKER_00: Ultimately, fundamentally, home is your body.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's how your nervous system is experiencing where you are.
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  SPEAKER_00: And obviously we know that children,
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  SPEAKER_00: because their verbal communication isn't the same as an adult's,
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  SPEAKER_00: they still rely heavily on...
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  their nervous systems so their bodies are constantly looking
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  out for emotional
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  stuff what's going on around them they're picking up on you
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  know the vibrations of
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  the people around us before they fully understand the logistics
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  so a kid can be
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  SPEAKER_00: like picking up on stuff well before you even said anything to them
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  SPEAKER_00: Which is why it's so important that we,
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  SPEAKER_00: as the mums,
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  SPEAKER_00: in the midst of huge transition,
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  SPEAKER_00: really spend time on making sure that we feel okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because then our kids will be like, oh cool, everything's fine.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't require certainty about everything in the future.
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  SPEAKER_00: Even when we thought things were certain, how certain were they really?
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  SPEAKER_00: None of us could have predicted COVID, for example.
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  SPEAKER_00: And throughout that period, we didn't know when it was going to end.
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  SPEAKER_00: We just had this vague hope that it wouldn't take two years.
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  SPEAKER_00: Who would have thought that in March 2020?
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  SPEAKER_00: So it doesn't require certainty in order to
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  feel more settled it just needs a few repeatable anchors that
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  you can introduce
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  into your life on a you know on those moments when you're like
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  ah what the hell's
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  going on so one thing you can do is create a little calm corner
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  so i'm going to
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  give you three kind of tools that you can use right now to kind
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  of help you feel
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  SPEAKER_00: steadier
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  irrespective of what's going on with your home so creating a
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  little calm corner
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  would be like you know this chair isn't for me this is where i
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  put my body there's
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  maybe a little candle there a blanket if you've ever done the
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  magic divorce club
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  you know that we come into the clubhouse and then wrap up in
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  this blanket of
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  SPEAKER_00: compassion and it's helps us see ourselves for the first time
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  SPEAKER_00: From the outside, like, look how much you are going through.
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  Do not underestimate how much your body is taking on the burden
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  of stress through divorce.
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  SPEAKER_00: All my hair fell out nearly.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's...
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  enormous toll on the body so creating a little space where the
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  more you practice
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  sitting in it being calm breathing you might you know do a
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  little bit of journaling
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  have a beautiful cup of tea like all these things little
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  signals then start to
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  SPEAKER_00: train your body that oh this is where
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  SPEAKER_00: I let go, this is where I stop bracing.
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  This is where I take beautiful long exhales to signal to my
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  body that I am safe here.
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  SPEAKER_00: So that's a beautiful thing you can do.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can also protect like one repeatable rhythm.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we were talking there about little cues of
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  I'm sat in my chair,
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  I've lit my candle,
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  I've got my blanket,
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  I've got my cup of tea.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of thing.
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  So it might be something that you go,
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  I'm going to sit there once I've got the kids to bed.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's almost like a bedtime cue then.
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  This is where I come and come back to myself and breathe and
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  let my body know I'm safe.
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  SPEAKER_00: For me,
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  mine tended to be in the morning until my youngest started
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  getting up at the crack
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  SPEAKER_00: of dawn.
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  SPEAKER_00: So not so great then.
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  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't have early rises and you're waking up early,
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  that could be your opportunity to get your cup of coffee and
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  just wrap up and just
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  SPEAKER_00: sit in your predictable space every day.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know,
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  for you it might be actually what would make me feel safer is
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  my evening reset
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  SPEAKER_00: where I have a bath and read my book and go to bed early,
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  SPEAKER_00: that kind of thing.
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  SPEAKER_00: Or it might be you need...
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  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, a tidy.
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  You want to go to bed knowing that everything's been put back
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  in its place,
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  SPEAKER_00: the dishwasher's on,
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  SPEAKER_00: you've wiped down the benches so that future you in the morning is like,
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  SPEAKER_00: oh,
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  SPEAKER_00: thank you,
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  SPEAKER_00: me,
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  SPEAKER_00: for looking after me.
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  You know,
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  just pick one thing that feels...
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  allows you to feel held by you,
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  if that makes sense.
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  SPEAKER_00: I often talk about this as like...
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  SPEAKER_00: We have a maiden who is like really struggling.
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  Life has not turned out the way she wanted and she needs space
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  to grieve and,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: feel seen in the sadness.
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  And then we have the queen who's like super regal and,
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  but deeply compassionate.
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  SPEAKER_00: And she, you know, this is a part of us.
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  SPEAKER_00: She's able to hold the maiden in this.
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  SPEAKER_00: and look after her,
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  SPEAKER_00: and do things for her,
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  SPEAKER_00: like run a bath,
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  SPEAKER_00: and make sure she gets to bed on time,
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  SPEAKER_00: and it helps to almost see yourself from the outside like that,
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  SPEAKER_00: so that you can create these moments of calm for yourself,
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  SPEAKER_00: and feel held,
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  SPEAKER_00: because it can be quite alone,
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  SPEAKER_00: well it is,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's a lonely process going through divorce,
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  SPEAKER_00: So being able to witness what you're going through,
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  SPEAKER_00: through this beautiful queenly space is really beautiful.
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  And then the third thing you can do is just try to lower the
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  overall emotional volume.
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  SPEAKER_00: So turn that volume right down.
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  SPEAKER_00: This is one of my favorite things.
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  SPEAKER_00: I cannot handle loud conflict.
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  SPEAKER_00: It sends me into panic.
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  you know some you don't need to necessarily feel everything out
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  loud in the middle
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  of family life and all that kind of stuff um and this isn't
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  about dissociating or
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  squashing your feelings down it's about giving a place for the
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  big loud feelings
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  SPEAKER_00: that you have um
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  SPEAKER_00: And this is when you would,
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  SPEAKER_00: you know,
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  SPEAKER_00: write it down in your journal as part of your calm corner moment.
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  SPEAKER_00: You could talk about it with your coach.
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  Like if you have a divorce coach,
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  that's literally what I'm here for is I'm here to witness.
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  SPEAKER_00: what is going on and to support you through it.
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  This isn't about making everything perfect and fine and
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  everybody's great and let's
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  SPEAKER_00: pretend nothing's going on and sweeping it under the carpet.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's about keeping the home,
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  SPEAKER_00: wherever it is,
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  SPEAKER_00: however it currently looks,
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  SPEAKER_00: feeling softer,
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  SPEAKER_00: nest-like and we're not
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  ignoring the big emotions we're giving them a container so that
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  it doesn't spill
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  out into the rest of you know the house and the life and all
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  that kind of stuff so
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  the fact of the matter is we do not need our home life to be
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  completely perfect and
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  to um to create more safety and that's the key thing it's like
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  if we can create
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  safety in our body then the ripple effect across your kids your
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  friends like it's
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  almost like an act of bravery being willing to go i have big
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  feelings i'm going to
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  SPEAKER_00: feel them in a container and i am going to
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  genuinely spend time calming myself down because we can't think
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  clearly when we are
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  in fight or flight when the body's bracing it's like the brain
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  just goes all I can
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  do is think about how unsafe I am and therefore cognitive
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  function is just not
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  SPEAKER_00: fully available and
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  SPEAKER_00: So we just need a few small things that helps the body calm down,
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  SPEAKER_00: come back out of that overthinking,
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  overstressed state and creating a few small things that you do
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  throughout your day
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  that you can rely on and your children can rely on that just
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  signals we are safe
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  SPEAKER_00: right now,
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  SPEAKER_00: it's okay.
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  SPEAKER_00: All right.
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  SPEAKER_00: So as I said at the beginning, this month is all about home, home life.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we have a workshop at the end of the month,
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  SPEAKER_00: which is like purely here to help you understand housing uncertainty,
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: how to feel safer and clearer when everything is up in the air,
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  and some really fundamental questions that you need to ask
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  before you start making
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: big decisions about where you want to live through your divorce.
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  SPEAKER_00: All right, so I shall link to that in the show notes.
• 15:42
  And as always,
• 15:44
  if you'd like to come across to Magic Mondays,
• 15:47
  that's live at 10 a.m.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: on a Monday.
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  And I just help hold space for you so that you can be feeling
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  safer in your body,
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  SPEAKER_00: feeling clearer so that you do know what your next step is going to be.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, have an amazing week.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
• 16:14
  head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
• 16:22
  everything that you
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: need there.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.