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15. The importance of mindset and believing that your kids will be ok · The Post-Separation Abuse Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hi everyone, thanks for joining me on today's episode of the post-separation abuse podcast.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What I'd like to talk about today is the importance of your mindset when you're navigating a high conflict, separation, divorce and co-parenting situation, possibly involving ongoing coercive control and other forms of abuse.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: It's really common to think that we have no control whatsoever over what we're experiencing when we're navigating ongoing control and abuse from an ex-partner, but this isn't entirely true.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: There are definitely things going on that you don't have any control over, but there are also some things that you do have some control or at least some influence over.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Part of the coaching work that I do is about supporting people to take back control of the things in their life that are actually controllable.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: The things that you can't control are the thoughts, emotions and behaviour choices of other people.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: So, in case you need the reminder, it's time to stop trying to manage your current situation by repeatedly giving into the demands of your ex, thinking that that's going to have a lasting impact on whatever your ex does or doesn't do.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Also, if you've been maintaining a focus on your ex-partner, I'm calling you out here and I want you to consider whether it's time for you to level up and bring your focus back to the things that you have the power to influence and control in order to optimise your outcome and not just your outcome on a practical level in terms of court orders, for example, but optimising your outcome in terms of how you feel throughout this process and at the end of your journey, whether that's the end of mediation, whether that's the end of the court process, those sorts of things.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: The key things that you've got control over are your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviour and the results that are linked to those things.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Your ability to manage your mind will have a direct impact on how you experience what's going on for you right now and ongoing co-parenting.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: How you manage your mind will also impact your kids and your ability to show up for them in all the ways that they need you to.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: A thought that I'd like to invite you to make space for wherever you are in your journey, whether you're just contemplating separation, whether you're newly separated, perhaps you're preparing for mediation, perhaps mediation was not the success that you wanted it to be and you're heading towards the court system, or maybe you're right in the middle of the court system.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: The thought that I would like you to make space for is that, at the end of this chapter of your life, you will be okay and your children will be okay.
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: I want you to make space for that thought that you will be okay and that your kids will be okay, for that to be a possibility for you to make space for that being a possibility for you to embrace that as a possibility, to embrace the possibility, embrace the thought that you will be okay and that your kids will be okay and I know that where you are right now, it might be really, really challenging for you to make space for that thought.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Nevertheless, this is one of the most powerful ways in which I help my clients.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: We unpack the things that they're scared of.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: We unpack the things that they're afraid of.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: We unpack the worst case scenario potentially, particularly if they're navigating the court system what the worst case scenario might look like for them in terms of court orders if it doesn't go the way that they want it to.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: We unpack that on a practical level and think about the reality of that.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: In doing so, something really powerful happens and my clients realise that, even if they don't get what they're seeking, life can still be okay.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: It doesn't have to be the end of the world.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Now, in saying that, part of my role is in supporting clients to optimise their outcome in whatever way we possibly can and to create a strategy around that and to help them with their mindset, to help them with the way that they're presenting to other people, to help to ensure that they're not presenting in a way that means that they'll be perceived as being part of the problem.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: And at the end of all of this, what I would like to share with you is the thought that you will be okay and your kids will be okay.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I endured a really long journey of family violence and post-separation abuse and three or so years in the court system and I'm okay and my kids are okay, and it's me being able to talk about my lived experience and how I've navigated that.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: That also really helps my clients and I'm hoping that it's going to help you too.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: The reality is that none of us gets through life without any trauma.
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: I don't think I've met any adult who has zero childhood trauma, no matter whether their parents stayed together throughout their childhood, whether their parents divorced.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Trauma is something that I think happens to all of us and it does not have to ruin your life.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Your children's other parent was always going to impact them in some kind of negative way, whether you separated and divorced or whether you stayed in a relationship with that person.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: The only way that your kids would never have been negatively impacted is if you could go back in time and not have a relationship at all with your kids other parent and I know that that's not what you would want, because then it would mean that your kids don't exist.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: But what I want to share with you again is that, despite who and what the other parent is, despite their problems, despite their controlling behavior, make space for the thought that your kids will be okay.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: If this is something that you're worried about, if this is something that keeps you up at night, that consumes you, reach out, let's have a chat.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: You can quickly and easily book a free 30 minute discovery call to have a chat with me and to find out about what coaching with me looks like, and if we're a good fit, we can go from there.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: But please know that for you and for your kids, this situation that you're in now does not have to be something that defines your entire life.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: Life can be amazing for you and for your kids, and if you need support, I'm here.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Thanks for your time.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I'll talk to you soon.