Latest / The Career Mentor Podcast with Fexingo: Finding Mentors, Sponsors, and Career Advisors / How to Find a Mentor After a Career Setback
Transcript
- Lucas: So let me start with a story. A marketing manager I know — let's call her Sarah — had been angling for a director role at a mid-sized consumer goods company for about 18 months. She had the results, she had the team's respect, her skip-level was in her corner. And when the role finally opened up, they gave it to an external hire with less tenure but more 'strategic experience' on paper. Luna: Oof. That's the kind of thing that makes you want to update your LinkedIn before you've even processed it. Lucas: Exactly what she did. She went dark for about three weeks — didn't reach out to any of her network, didn't ask for feedback, didn't even tell her mentor what happened. And that's so common. When we face a setback — especially a public one like a passed-over promotion or a layoff — our instinct is to retreat. We think, 'I don't have anything to offer right now. Why would anyone want to mentor me?' Luna: Right, you feel like you're walking around with a sign that says 'rejected.' And the last thing you want to do is ask someone successful for their time. Lucas: But that's exactly the moment when a good mentor is most valuable. And the research backs this up. Dr. Tessa West, an organizational psychologist at NYU, has studied how people ask for advice after failure. Her finding: the people who recover fastest are the ones who reach out within two weeks of the setback, not the ones who wait until they have a new job lined up. Luna: Two weeks feels aggressive. But I get the logic — you're still in the learning zone, not the defensive zone. Lucas: Exactly. So let's talk about how to actually do this. I want to give a four-step framework that Sarah eventually used — and it worked. She's now in a director role at a different company, and she credits this process. Luna: Okay, lay it out. Lucas: Step one: process the setback on your own, not through your network. You need to get past the raw emotional phase before you ask others for input. Journal it, talk to a therapist, go for a run — whatever. But do not vent to a potential mentor. That turns the conversation into therapy, not career strategy. Luna: That's a key distinction. A mentor is not a sounding board for your frustration — they're a guide for your next move. Lucas: Right. So step two: audit your existing network — not for who can 'help you,' but for who has relevant experience. In Sarah's case, she realized she had two former colleagues who had also been passed over for promotions and later landed better roles. She also had a former boss who had successfully navigated a pivot after a layoff. Those are the people to reach out to first, not the senior executive you barely know. Luna: That's counterintuitive because when you're in crisis, you often think you need the most powerful person you can find. But someone who's been through it themselves will give you more honest, actionable advice. Lucas: And they're more likely to say yes. Step three: reach out with a specific ask — and this is where Dr. West's research is really useful. She found that the most effective request after a setback is not 'Can you be my mentor?' It's 'I'm trying to understand what happened and what I could do differently. Would you be willing to share your perspective on my situation?' Luna: That's so much better. It's humble but not desperate. It shows you're reflective, not just reeling. Lucas: Yes. And it respects their time — you're asking for one conversation, not a long-term commitment. Sarah sent emails like that to three people. Two said yes within a week. The third said, 'I'm swamped but can we do a 20-minute call next month?' Luna: Which is still a yes. That third person might be the most valuable — they're busy because they're successful, and they're still making time for you. Lucas: Exactly. Now step four: re-engage with intention. After the conversation, send a thank-you note that summarizes one specific thing you're going to do differently because of their advice. That does two things: it shows you were listening, and it gives them a reason to follow up with you later. Luna: That's actually a great way to turn a one-off conversation into a real mentoring relationship. They see you acting on their advice, and they become invested. Lucas: Precisely. And that's what happened with Sarah. One of the former colleagues who had been passed over — she ended up becoming an informal sponsor. She recommended Sarah for an opening at her new company six months later. Luna: So the setback became the foundation for the next step. But I want to push back on something: isn't there a risk that you come across as too 'fix-it'? Like, if you process everything on your own and then ask for advice with a very structured ask, doesn't it seem like you've already figured it out? Lucas: That's a fair concern. The key is to be vulnerable about the fact that you don't have all the answers, even if you've done some processing. You can say, 'I've thought a lot about what happened, but I know I have blind spots. I'd really value your outside perspective.' That's honest. Luna: That works. And it invites them to challenge you, which is what you want. Lucas: Exactly. Now, there's another layer to this that I think is worth touching on: the sponsorship angle. A setback is actually a great time to identify who your real sponsors are — because they'll reach out to you before you even ask. Luna: Ooh, that's a good point. A sponsor is someone who puts their reputation on the line for you. If you've just had a public failure, are they still willing to advocate for you? Lucas: Right. And the ones who call or text you within the first week — those are your sponsors. Sarah told me that two people reached out to her without being asked: her former boss, who said 'I'm here to talk whenever you're ready,' and a peer from another department who said 'I heard what happened. Let me buy you coffee.' Luna: Those are the keepers. And that's actually a useful litmus test for your network: who shows up when you're down, not just when you're up. Lucas: Exactly. So if you're listening and you've recently had a setback — a layoff, a failed promotion, a project that bombed — my advice is: don't isolate. Give yourself 48 hours to feel bad, then start step one. Process it, audit your network, reach out with a specific ask, and re-engage with intention. The mentor you need is probably someone who's been through it themselves. Luna: And if we've helped you think through a career move or decision — whether it's after a setback or just a regular pivot — we'd love it if you considered supporting the show. We deliberately don't run ads on these episodes because we think career advice should be free and focused. If you want to support that choice, the link is buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small way to keep this going without any sponsors or interruptions. Totally optional, but we appreciate it. Luna: Alright, back to the topic. One thing I want to add: when you're reaching out after a setback, timing matters. Don't send the email on a Monday morning when everyone is overwhelmed. Aim for Tuesday or Wednesday afternoon. Lucas: Good tactical advice. And keep the email short — three paragraphs max. The first: 'I'm reaching out because I value your perspective.' The second: 'I recently experienced X, and I'm trying to learn from it.' The third: 'Would you have 20 minutes to chat next week?' Luna: Boom. That's a template people can use today. And for those who are listening and thinking, 'I don't have anyone in my network who's been through this,' I'd say: look wider. Professional associations, alumni groups, even LinkedIn — search for people who have the role you want and who mention a similar setback in their bio. Lucas: That's a smart tactic. I've seen people put things like 'survived a layoff and came back stronger' in their headlines. Those are your people. Luna: Right. And when you reach out cold to someone like that, reference their story. Say, 'I saw you wrote about your experience after being laid off. I'm going through something similar and would love to hear how you navigated it.' Lucas: That's a warm cold email. It's specific, it's respectful, and it shows you've done your homework. I'd bet the response rate on that is much higher than a generic request. Luna: Definitely. So to wrap up: setbacks are data, not identity. And the right mentor can help you read that data clearly. Lucas: I love that framing. Setbacks are data, not identity. Because the truth is, every successful person has a folder of rejections. The difference is they used those rejections to find better mentors, not to hide from them. Luna: So if you're in that place right now — and if this episode helped you think about it differently — we'd love to hear your story. Tag us or drop us a note. And if you want to support the show, you know where to find us. Lucas: Next episode, we're going to talk about something a little more forward-looking: how to find a mentor who can help you navigate a career plateau — when you're not in crisis, but you're not growing either. That's a whole different dynamic.