Latest / Comedy Central Stand-Up / Bianca Kovacs - Standup comedy

Transcript

Bianca Kovacs - Standup comedy · Comedy Central Stand-Up

0:02
Comedy Central Podcast. Don' t be false. I know we' re
0:26
all bound here today. Not so do it right and nothing' s gonna
0:29
happen to you. Otherwise, I' m naked and I' ll tell
0:33
you the afternoon. I' ll leave the bag here in case there are
0:38
Romanians in the room. I used to be Romanian, but I took off.
0:46
Now I' m a person and why I tell you to treat me
0:59
well, because I' m no longer human, but my cousins are still
1:03
human then it' s not for threatening, it' s just to speed
1:06
up a bit. This you know the eggs of being human. I swear
1:10
to you, the questions people were asking me all the time and what is
1:12
the typical food of your country. I' m saying I didn' t
1:26
hear Bian saying that when the hunger games came out in your country, it
1:33
was a documentary in Romania. When fruit found the year. I' ve
1:34
been pawning it like this all the time for 20 fucking years. You understand
1:41
why I want to be Spanish, this in your country. If you haven
1:42
' t stolen from me, I say we' re that selective. We
1:45
didn' t steal from Asshole. Please, it' s more, it
1:57
' s more. You owe me one so you wouldn' t have to
1:59
move. Dine me to steal you, you here. I used to be
2:04
a mangatist, mangat and deny it, but you egg it. I'
2:07
m going for grandviel the first thing I see mango. I mean, they
2:09
' re screaming at her pussy and people are proud to have stolen. Yeah,
2:15
' cause I' m good at you guys don' t look rajo
2:19
and she could have the pussy craving you' re being told steals up to
2:23
four hundred euros. It' s called theft, because nothing, because you
2:25
have a lot of anxiety. Four hundred euros I stole a day, but
2:31
no longer. I' m a person now, but I have Romanian sequels
2:35
left. Uh, for example, when I stepped on this instead of focusing
2:38
on you guys, it was who the fuck messed up this stage. They
2:43
take me to five- star hotels and I no longer get the shampoo,
2:46
but the artichoke shower caeh hahahahahahahahahahahaha. You' re telling me. You'
3:00
re your expressions that already taught me. The monkey gets dressed as a cada
3:02
mona doesn' t stay, but I have an excuse. At least I
3:06
was poor, little dieres, I was more pussy than ever, and when
3:08
I made him, I was poor too, not me anymore. My brothers
3:13
and I washed our teeth with the same brush. Now we have the same
3:19
cavities as you gave me for remigration, because here I learned that the pads
3:23
for the rule are not reversible. But when you turn it around, you
3:29
save yourself the waxing, ha ha ha ha ha. I' m fine,
3:42
I' m going through a transition. I feel very identified with transy
3:46
people not because I was born in Transylvania, it' s because I feel
3:51
very Spanish. I' m a Spaniard in Romanian' s body and I
3:55
' m acting like one. I' ve been hanging out with you lately.
3:57
I do things like I stay at ten with a friend and I get
3:59
to prays and a half is a joke. I' ll stay at ten
4:04
for coffee and have two bermuts. I speak in pesetas now. I made
4:10
a friend, but you were here when the pesetas said no, but you
4:13
don' t speak English and say you' re a male and I do
4:19
that as thank God. It' s a couple is that the fuck of
4:28
this is that I don' t know if you like me or it'
4:30
s out of fear or because these people have forced you. So it'
4:32
s not a reference, you know, so maybe I' m equally undressed
4:39
by the no. But I do things like you, I say, oh,
4:42
see if we can see each other tomorrow. I' ll call you
4:44
and donkey his number. I bought a second house in town and says my
4:47
mother and the first one where you have it. I don' t have
4:49
it. Now I' m going on a romantic scene with my husband,
4:55
a restaurant and a terrepent and I' m starting to talk. That'
4:57
s why he screams no Spanish screams, oh hahahaha, and you' re
5:09
also giving me too much wine that has to suck you, the boss brings
5:12
another one. I do real things. I' m seriously thinking about voting
5:16
for Vox. What happens is that my friends say, but they' re
5:19
going to throw your family out and I say look at me saving Sunday lunches.
5:24
I have nothing against foreigners to me if they come to work. I
5:35
' ve learned your expressions, but it cost me fuckers today. You use
5:40
the same word for everything a friend of mine tells me, take off my
5:44
thorns. Now he' s on crutches. It' s just that you
5:48
mistook me for you and asked my husband for his mouth. I say"
5:50
tate" with a song in my teeth and they call me Bianca auntie you
5:57
have a lot of cresivity contained. I say content is not. I'
6:00
m not okay. This fucking transition process is taking a long time for nationality
6:03
to be given to me for a year and a half and, like the
6:08
people after, there is no turning back to get Spanish nationality. I have
6:19
to give up the Romanians'. I mean, you see what the problem
6:23
is. I go to my country' s TV and I was very,
6:27
very happy and I started the performance and I said I' m really excited
6:31
to be here tonight. My grandmother told me I' m not going to
6:34
die quietly until you act on Romanian TV. Grandma, you can do this.
6:42
Have a favor. He got angry, but the thing is, he
6:51
died quietly. Really. People have been angry at this performance. Comedians think
6:59
we' re gonna do something funny and suddenly you get a lot of stuff.
7:02
It' s like how lucky people like you don' t want to
7:05
reproduce? Yo, what bad luck people like you don' t know what
7:09
suicide was? Don' t even think about going back to this quiet country.
7:14
I didn' t think of it. If, in addition, right
7:16
now, humans are migrating to Ukraine to occupy houses that are free, I
7:24
don' t care. Everyone won' t like it See how far my
7:27
ego goes I talk to myself and I talk about myself. I' m
7:31
in an argument and I say it' s not me, it' s
7:36
you, but at least I can tell you know, I' m fine,
7:40
even if you think I' m not. I don' t know
7:42
how those people who pretend to be happy all the time aren' t a
7:45
little out of it. I, since I have used reason, have made
7:48
it quite clear to me that the secret of happiness is not to be born.
7:53
People are looking for constant happiness, it' s like you' re
7:56
looking for the eternal coke stripe. I think you have to learn from the
8:00
pigs are very happy in their shit. In fact, I' ve already
8:03
got the idea. Four good things happen to me. I mean the fifth.
8:05
You' ll see the shit that gives me life. I see it
8:09
coming and I take advantage of everything, for example, when I have been
8:11
cut off, because thanks to that I learned to connect to a lamppost.
8:16
A junkie for a junkie. Accidents are super important and so it has material
8:20
is that it seems that they are all complaints. A building collapses. Uh,
8:24
what a problem that creates work for truckers who collect debris. It says
8:28
already Bianca dead two elders. You know what it' s worth to keep
8:33
a truck, plus the honesty of leaving when you get the pussy that not
8:37
everyone knows how to leave. Hey, I' m a hair beetle.
8:43
I take the shit. They tell me you trust your husband. I trust
8:48
that if you can and I don' t find out, you' re
8:52
cheating on me, it' s trust, no, but if I don
8:54
' t find out, uh, because I, on the day of the
8:58
wedding, the only thing I thought of telling you was to treat me well,
9:00
or I' ll sleep with your father and end up calling me Mom.
9:15
I' m fine, what happens that three years ago many loved ones
9:20
and my family started to die and there was a moment that I did stay
9:24
a bit like that. But of course, in these almost three years,
9:28
curiously I have become increasingly known, that is, they are dying and I
9:31
fulfill my goals and I say, it is clear that God wants a deal
9:35
with me. It seems to me very good that they sacrifice themselves for my
9:41
own sake I can have them die, because of course I doubt my representative
9:46
had just sent me a message that I was proposed for a small and clear
9:50
job. My mother came to visit me and eating the bon, said she
9:54
swallowed it, and I was, like, a few seconds doubting you.
9:56
I say the safe, I don' t save her, I say I
10:09
' ll save her. It' s my mom I' m gonna save
10:13
it for a better project. Or else, of course. Now I'
10:18
m very much in those, I' m very focused. That' s
10:20
my life project. I mean with abortions it' s worth or santiabortist destiny
10:24
maybe. He doesn' t consider them people. I also thought I'
10:28
d get into a hospital. You know how to make monologues. If I
10:30
catch them, honey, I' ve got a tail. Or I'
10:33
m on the side of a cemetery now and I' m telling you how
10:37
many untapped projects. You know, I' m fine less. This summer
10:41
I was in August in the Canary Islands. Guys, don' t know
10:45
what the fuck I left. I started bleeding in a very rare way and
10:48
I started worrying, obviously, and what they tell you first, don'
10:50
t look at Google. They don' t tell you that, don'
10:54
t Google. You do the first thing you look at on Google. It
10:56
was either pregnancy or cancer. And I say fuck, I don' t
11:01
know which of the two things suits me. Well, one of the two
11:05
options leaves you lifeless, but cancer can kill you, too. I didn
11:18
' t spend two days like that, two years changing diapers, those six
11:22
months of chemo. I didn' t know what to choose. And I
11:24
finally got to Madrid and went, obviously, I went to the hospital and
11:28
well, after a lot of tests, I don' t know what.
11:30
I don' t know how much a doctor came out and tells me bion
11:33
ca codas I say yes, yes. It' s me you' re
11:35
talking about at the comedy club. I saw you at the theater. I
11:37
say yes, and it says well, because here' s your analysis.
11:41
I say mono DOCTOR, whatever it is, I' d like to know
11:45
the truth. He liked my monologue. I' m preoccupied with my career
12:00
and now that my mother already understands it, because this summer, when she
12:03
came, I tell her to get dressed shower that at nine I have to
12:07
be at the club. I knew you worked at a club. I say
12:09
no mom, that in this club men come with their women. You already
12:13
say what you have to do there. He gave them nothing to entertain Notice
12:18
that they come to vent and see a happy ending and he says how much
12:24
they pay the entrance and I say twenty- two euros. Says shit,
12:24
kiddo. When I thought I was gonna die. By the way, don
12:33
' t be worried. When I talk about cancer, I see you hunt
12:35
worried faces. My friend, the one with cancer, is more excited than
12:39
you. I really have a friend and with the ninth operation I already called
12:43
him for his birthday and said no no no how it goes. You'
12:46
ve been called a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, I' ve
12:48
been loved by a lot of people, but no one' s ever told
12:58
me to do much more. I was so worried about how much when I
13:00
thought I was going to die. I was worried about my little cat dinner,
13:03
I named them warriors and they got scared with a fly. I feel
13:07
like a mother of this one who thought her son was going to be a
13:09
lawyer and she' s already out drug addicted. Seeing I love my cats
13:16
and I don' t trust anyone to take care of them later. Good,
13:18
' cause there' s my neighbor. Every time I pass with the
13:20
sand bag into the trash. Two cats don' t just eat shit and
13:26
sleep I say like your son, the forty- year- old says my
13:37
son, at least he gives me conversation. I say that' s what
13:39
saves me. I know and I also know that my husband' s bastard
13:43
is not going to take good care of cats, because one of the jackasses
13:46
is going to make a big noise and I say uncle, why don'
13:48
t you clean up and come and eat the other one. We' re
13:50
underestimating cats. You know they remove negativity from the house or they don'
13:54
t remove negativity. He sits on the site with more negativity. Friend taxena,
13:58
sit here always to see I was. You know that in every gym
14:03
you enter there is a machine that measures your fat you weigh more unnecessary things.
14:07
I take out the paper at the end. Sure I say, come
14:09
on, let' s measure the fat and all this shit for something.
14:13
I pay for the gym and take out the paper and put metabolic sixty-
14:18
two years and I what the fuck is that I say, thirty- nine
14:22
is the new sixty- two. You know why if I didn' t
14:26
explain before the machines treated you well, not his tobacco. Please, now
14:30
the door I don' t know what and now it' s calling me
14:33
old and also what euphemism that metabolic age is. It' s like I
14:37
' m sleeping with a guy and telling him the molecules in your penis are
14:41
so tiny. The place to say short pizza, it could also be something
14:54
small, wow, something because you have to work is worth. You didn
14:58
' t come here just for this we' ll see. You' re
15:01
going to have to do one thing that' s vigo, that' s
15:05
it, you have to do one thing that' s very simple, but
15:09
don' t stop, even if I stop I can stop. Not you
15:11
but this can also go up and nothing happens. You guys have to do
15:16
it. Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? It
15:18
' s like Tun Compan, A Tun Compan, you' re able to
15:24
make a minute. That trusts you. Hey, don' t see the
15:28
assholes from another bowling alley. You know come play, study your fucking language.
15:33
Now it' s your turn to do this Okay, because I'
15:37
ve prepared a song so they don' t say I' m not a
15:39
full artist. Okay, people go and sing it in shows. I mean,
15:43
it' s okay with me, too, so you guys are making
15:48
a company, but no higher. That I' m worth it, whether
15:50
it' s understood or not. That' s it Don' t stop
15:56
until I say it' s okay. I' ve got another one in
16:02
my bag for real, that' s right, one, two, three.
16:11
I' m forced to sing this song and I know that at such
16:15
a level I look like a douche bag to you, but I want you
16:22
to know that it cures me a lot. You may think I need a
16:25
script, but just with my cool accent Mogollón making a fool of me didn
16:33
' t fit into my plans, but it was either that or handing out
16:40
hosts like breads applauding me for a minute. If I don' t electrocute
16:44
you, let' s go. Thank you very much, thank you very
17:00
much, thank you very little, very little,