Latest / Great Detectives of Old Time Radio Volume 2|Mystery Audio Dramas / Yours Truly Johnny Dollar: The Laughing Matter, Parts One and Two (EP1137)

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Yours Truly Johnny Dollar: The Laughing Matter, Parts One and Two (EP1137) · Great Detectives of Old Time Radio Volume 2|Mystery Audio Dramas

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Welcome to the Great Attractives of Old Time Radio from Boise, Idaho. This
0:34
is your host, Adam Graham. If you have a comment, email it
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to me Box thirteen at Great Detectives dot net, follow us on Twitter at
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slash Radio Detectives. Well, before we do get started, I want
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listeners. You can support the show over at support dot Great Detectives dot net.
1:04
And also I want to remind you that going over at the War dot
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Great Detectors dot net, my World War two old time radio podcast. We're
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planning wartime Christmas episodes the next three days, so you can check that out
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over at the War dot Great Detectives dot net. Now it's time to go
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ahead and take a listen to the Laughing Matter Parts one and two. Since
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we're resetting a bit with these episodes, I should say are from June eleventh
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and twelfth and nineteen fifty two from Hollywood. It's time now for Johnny Dollar
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Drench of Johnny Union State Scheduling Company. Oh hi, Ed, I heard
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you were trying to reach me. Indeed, Blaine leaves in two hours for
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where in Sonata. It's a plot on the west coast of Mexicos. Yeah,
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I know, and I know. I've been. Charley Burton is down
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there, Johnny. You know, the big night club TV comic. You
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know, good old lovable boys. Johnny, I've seen his show. Who
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hasn't really keeps you screaming? Doesn't he? Oh? He is a killer.
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So what do I do? Go out there and screaming up for him?
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Go out there and keep him alive. Someone's threatened to murder him one
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of his audience. Maybe. No, wait, Johnny, this is no
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laughing matter. Anything happens to Jolly Burton. I cut my throat. Hey,
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you really do like his show? We're carrying a half million dollars worth
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of insurance on that boy tonight and every weekday night. Bob Bailey in the
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transcribed Adventures of the Man with the action packed expens of Card America's Fabulous Freelance
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Insurance Investigators, Truly Johnny Dollar. From Special Investigator Johnny Dollar to the home
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office, Union States Casualty Company, Hartford, Connecticut. The following is an
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accounting of expenditures during my investigation of the Laughing Matter. Item one two hundred
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and twenty one dollars and fifty cents transportation by scheduled airline to San Diego Incidental's
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there and charter plane for a flight eighty miles south into Mexico to win Sonata.
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Item two a dollar ninety taxi from the plowed ground airstrip to the Corrara
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marble foyer of the plush Bubbo Beach Hotel. The contrast was typical en sonatas
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two towns. Really, the tourist town is a glittering belt of pseudoswank resorts
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around the south end of the bay, bald headed men and flowery sports shirts
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and fat women in shorts loaded down with cameras, souvenirs and US dollars.
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The loafing town, and next to it the rows of warehouses and docks,
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the fishing fleets and freezer plants, narrow dirt streets and slums, soft eyed
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Mexicans and the gentle, liquid sound of Spanish native town but working town.
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Two different ways of life and no bridge of understanding between. The executive producer
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of the Charlie Burton Show, a man named Frank Maltz was in my room
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five minutes after I checked in. Glad to know you, mister Dollar.
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He was probably in his middle forties, but looked older. Haggard, pressured
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a little, battered around the edges. He might not have his elcer yet,
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but he was sure working on one. Didn't waste much time getting here.
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Well, that phone call of yours got them pretty upset back there in
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heart, I meant for it. Have you called in the local authorities,
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mister Moltz. It wouldn't have done any good. Charlie'd have blown his stop
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and had him thrown out, Good old lovable Charlie. Yes, he doesn't
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know you phoned hard Nope, he'd just stopped me if he'd known. Why
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does he want to die? Oh? It says he's had murder threats before
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crank letters. He wouldn't take it seriously, But you do? Is that
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it? I didn't figure it was up to me to decide. As I
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understand it, mister Moltz. There was a note of some kind slipped under
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Burton's door. That's right, we'll tell me about it winning all right.
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Yesterday evening, after we came back from shooting some scenes around the Bay,
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we went to our room, shower, clean up for dinner. When Charlie
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started to leave his room, he saw the note. Where is his room?
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Fourth? One down on the terrace to the left. All our rooms
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open under this same terrace. You still have that note? No, Charlie
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tore it up after he read it. Did he show it to anybody?
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Yes? To me. It was on stationary from the hotel here. It
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was in pencil and crudely printed. Remember the wedding. Oh yes, it
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said only the gods are immortal Burton, as you'll soon find out, you'll
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never leave en Sonata alive. Kind of an odd way of putting it,
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I thought so myself. Now, anyone who might use that style of phrasing,
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No, I'm afraid not all right? What else, mister Moltz?
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Nothing else? Those are the facts. Anything happened since the note? Not
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as far as I know. Burton could be right. Of course, the
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whole thing may be a hoax. Yeah maybe, but that's for you to
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decide, not me. What do you know who who might think they had
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a reason to kill him? Ah? I think I'll let you form your
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own conclusions on that. Oh, thanks, mister mart that's very thoughtful.
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All right, I'm sorry. I realize I haven't given you much to go
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on. I can't help, but dolla, that's all I know about I
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see. We'll talk to the others, see what they know about it.
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Others. I was thinking mainly of Gloria Dale and Al Schreiber. And there's
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Charlie himself. Of course, suppose you brief me on those other two.
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All right, Gloria Dale's the feminine lead. I've seen her on TV.
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I probably it's been with a show for three years. She's in her late
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twenties, she's single, she's gorgeous, she's a terrific sense of coming.
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How does she get along with a lovable Charlie good question? Maybe she can
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give you an answer to it, all I don't ask her. And who
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is that another one you mentioned? Al Schreiber. He's a young newcomer.
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He's been with a show six months now, a real talent if he were
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ever given a chance to show it. Why isn't he given a chance?
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Because on the Charlie Burton Show, my friend, there is one and only
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one staring, namely that ole lovable boys Charlie boy, you've been the press
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release now as a matter of fact, I had all right, who else?
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No, that's all, at least all that mattered. The camera crew,
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the technicians was sent up from Tudeubusco in Mexico City. They never heard
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of Charlie Burton before, and we haven't had much of any contact with anyone
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here in town. Now. I think that note was written by somebody right
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here in the family. That's another reason I sent for you instead of the
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local police. Just why did you send for me, mister Waltz? What
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do you mean? How do you feel about Charlie Burton? Haven't you guessed
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more or less? I think, Well, I'll spell it right out for
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you, mister Dollar. I hate his guts and what do you care whether
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he's murdered or not? Chare I'd get rolling drunk to celebrate it. And
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yet you're the one who phoned an soster heart. Well, sure, if
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Burton does get it, I want an expert or somebody will tag the right
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party for the crime. A matter of justice? Is that him? Why
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not? Because it's usually just a word people talk about. What they really
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want is to win. Is that what you want? Mister Moltz. Very
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funny you ought to go on television. No, I'm waiting till they perfect
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it. I feel the same way about Murder. So the legend of lovable
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Charlie was starting to crack. One person at least didn't love him, Frank
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Maltz as executive producer. And there was something else besides Hayden, Frank Maltz's
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eyes, a weariness or bitterness, something I couldn't quite place. I filed
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the thought for the moment, took time to shower and change, and went
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looking for another pair of eyes, prettier pair, and I found them alone
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on the terrace with their owner. They were turned toward the west, toward
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the last golden edge of the sun as it sank into the Pacific. They
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were big and blue, very lovely. Hello there, how are you,
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miss Dale. I'm Johnny Dollar. I just got in from Hartford and I've
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been talking with Frank Maltz. Oh you must be with the advertising sponsor.
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Oh I'm an insurance investigator. Yes, I'm here in regard to that threatening
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note that mister Burton received. Oh you've heard about it then, Oh,
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we all heard it about it interminably for Burt who else? Oh he paste
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and posed and beat his breast he wept and stormed and shouted at us,
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harangued, accused, and monologued us our base ingratitude. After all he'd done
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for us, done to us, he should have said that one of us,
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a viper in his bosom, should stoop to such a practical joke on
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good old luck. If it was a practical joke, what are you doing
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down here? Do you think it was a joke? Mistale? I don't
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but Charlie himself? Do you mean somebody really meant that threat? Maybe?
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Well, what do you know any ideas to who might have written? Sure?
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Anybody who knows him? Is he not bad? Actually? Mister dollar,
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you've heard the expression horrid old man? Well, if Charlie Burton worked
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for years to improve himself, I mean really tried, eventually he might lift
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himself up high enough to be a horrid old man. Well, if it's
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like that, why do you stick around? Why do I? Because I
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signed a contract last year during an emotional crisis, and it's got two more
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years to run it. Bring the little clean air for a change. I'd
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be dead professionally, and that's about all I've got in life now. Professional
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career such as it is, same thing applied to Frank Maltz. Yep.
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Contract Executive producer is just a title. Charlie Burton Show is owned by Charlie
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Burton, locked stock, Barrow and the souls of the employees. Something of
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a dictator egomaniac. He's a pre adolescent paranoid with the ethics of a rattlesnake
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and the jealous instincts of a Turkish harem master. Forgive me, mister Dollar.
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I had that line and a play once, but it still fits in.
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Tell me the truth, miss Dale. Did you write that note?
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I'm a female comic, mister Dollar, so, who can write out here?
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Al on the terrace? Al Treiber? Have you met him yet?
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No, but I've gone him on the list that may turn out to be
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quite a list before you through stairs, Bart seven, Honey, that's what
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you said downstairs, bart So, I know I'm going in and change right
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now. Oh this is Johnny Dollar outtry. Oh wow, I glad to
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see mister Dollar is an insurance investigator. He's here about that murder threat,
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Charlie, God, you mean that note was for real? Could be well?
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Happy days? Maybe this hope for us yet? Yeah? Wellow,
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mister dollars making a list, Sweetie, I'd be proud to confess, only
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I didn't think of the idea. And besides them, Coward, did either
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of you actually see that notes? No, but we heard about it,
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so I understand. How does insurance figure in this? You mean some company
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actually wrote a policy on that earthworm? So the tune of a half million
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bucks? Holy Hannah, Who's he worth that much to his sponsor, the
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advertising client? I doubt if it's personal. Really, they're just protecting their
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investment in the show. A half million fish for a Fonio fake away is
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in it? A fast thirty cents? Say? Maybe they're out to kill
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them and make a proper for themselves. Yeah, I'll put them on the
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list, and I take it here in the club too. Well, club,
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at least you're not wearing I love Charlie Burton button. Oh, sir,
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all I am, ever was, or hoped to be in any future
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light, all I have ever had or expect to have at any time,
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notwithstanding before going to supersede any previous statement, and irregardless of any utterance made
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hereafter, I owe, in its entirety, and without any reservation whatsoever,
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to my one and only benefactor, that's sterling, magnanimous, warm hearted,
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genial. I'll bet you think I'm only saying that because it's in my contract.
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Did you write the note? I don't know what to say until I
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check out my writers. Yeah, I have the same problem with my underwriters.
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Say that's not bad, mister Dolly. You know you want to try
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to tell me. I'm waiting till they perfect it. Write them three eighty
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cents one drink. I had it sent from the bar and sat on the
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terrace alon and drank it. I watched the sun die in the west and
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let the soft night creep out of the hills of Mexico and sink down over
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me in gentle foals. Then I saw a man slip from the shop out
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shrubbery, and moved cautiously up the terrace, a pale ghost dressed in the
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white cotton of a Pean worker. As I came quietly to my feet,
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a girl ran from inside somewhere, clung to him and stopped him. They
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argued fiercely for a moment and guarded Spanish. Then the man turned and saw
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me and vanished into the darkness of the hotel gardens. The girl faced me
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for an instant with eyes like frightened doves. Then she too turned and fled,
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but I'd recognize it. She was a hotel maid who brought ice to
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my room when I first arrived. So it was a lover's meeting, most
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likely. And yet the man before she stopped him had been heading across the
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terrace toward Charlie Burton's room. Johnny Dollars Dollar, Oh yes, I was
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hoping you'd come out of six seclusion. I arrived in Ansionnata at four o'clock
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this afternoon. It's now ten pm, and I still haven't been able to
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see the man I'm supposed to protect. I did not invite you here,
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mister Dollar. I do not need any protection. Well, my insurance company
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doesn't agree with you, and they've got a half million dollars writing on your
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life. But my life has not been threatened. That note. It was
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a mere bit of buffoonery prepretated by one of those nearest and dearest to me,
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one of those to whom I have instantly devoted my not get off Burton.
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I know the good old lovable Charlie legend, and I've seen your TV
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show. Look are you going to talk to me or do I wire my
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company to cancel your policy and notify your sponsor that you refuse to co operate
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with us. It's a dollar. You make them down to my room in
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ten minutes. I'll be there in an hour. Burton, you wait on
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me for a change from special Investigator Johnny Dollar. Location in Sonata, Mexico.
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The whole Office, Union States Casually Company, Hartford, Connecticut assignment the
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Laughing Matter expense account continued. I had them five a dollar and forty cents
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taxi from the hotel in the village to the Commandancia Police on Fronty Avenue.
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I wanted to run down at one of the maids at the hotel, a
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girl named Veleina Morales. I'd seen her on the hotel terrace shortly after dark,
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near Charlie Burton's room, seen her arguing with some man who'd managed to
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slip away from me in the darkness. Captain Barrel said he'd checked with me
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later and politely avoided asking what it was all about. If he had,
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I couldn't have told him. The Charlie Burton comedy show was on location at
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Ensinata, Mexico, and Frank Maltz, the producer, had frantically phone Hartford
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and claimed Burton's life had been threatened. Burton thought it was a practical joke.
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Maltz didn't know needed to die, but I was there to find out.
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I am you are, mister John Dollar. I assume you couldn't assume
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any correct mind. If I come in, we all means do. Thanks.
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I am Charles Burton. Mister yeah, I know I've seen your face
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in a number of saloons. I beg your pardon on their television sets.
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Oh yes, of course. Well sit down, mister Dollar. I just
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did so, I noticed. And I don't imagine you'll be here long enough
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for me to have something sent up from there. Oh I'm sure I will.
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I'll have Scotch on the rocks double. I see room service. Please,
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mister Burton in Sweet d please send up one Scotch on the rocks double.
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Make it double. Oh just a moment please. By the way,
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mister Dollar, what is your room number? I can't seem to remember it
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at the moment. Why don't you just charge it to yours and then bill
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me for it later. If you think your room service, cancel that order.
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Yes, I said, cancel it. I will not tolerate this high
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handed attitude from a hireling, sir, but not your hireling, Burton.
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Now, let's get a few things straight right now. From what I've heard
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about you up to now, I don't like you. And when I get
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to know you're better and like it or not, and I certainly do not,
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And there's nothing you can do about it. Try throwing your weight around
17:03
with the insurance company and they'll cancel your policy. And if that happens,
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you'll have sponsor trouble right up to your neck. If you think I think
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you're not going to let it happen, Burton, you can't afford to.
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So cut out the kidding and let's get on with it. You know I
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like you Dollar, You're so uninhibited, I'm going to buy you that.
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Oh sorry, why not? I didn't want it in the first place.
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It was only a way to get your goat break down that phony guard.
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But have one yourself, though. Drinking is not one of my advices.
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Oh so that explains, It explains what It wasn't one of Hitler's vices either,
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So delightfully insulting, you know, one can hardly take offense too bad.
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I'd hope for better results. Would you mind telling me just who exactly
17:45
is responsible for this prejudiced opinion you have of me? Well, as I
17:49
remember, it was fairly unanimous. I know you talked to Frank Maltz.
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Malts, of course, is bitter because he hasn't been given complete control of
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my show, or any control. I hear it. As long as it's
18:02
the Charlie Burton show, mister dollar, Charlie Burton intends to run it.
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Only the gods are immortal? Isn't that what the murder threat said. I'll
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get to that. Then there's Gloria Dale, my leading lady. Dear Gloria,
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I suppose she told you I've treated her very badly, practically forced her
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to sign a contract that pays as several thousand dollars a week a hideous fate
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actually could be. And al Schreiber did. He mentioned the fact that I
18:29
took him out of a fort year week burlesque house and taught him the subtleties
18:32
of high class, big time comedy, things that I had spent a lifetime
18:37
perfectly. Look, Burton, if you're trying to convince me of your fine,
18:41
sterling character, forget it. It's irrelevant. I'm here because here because
18:45
of that note. That's exactly what I'm getting at. You think it was
18:48
written by one of those three people, don't you write? And I agree
18:51
with you, But you also take the threat seriously. I don't. Why
18:56
not? Because not one of them has any reason to kill me. Yes,
18:59
I know they talk, they're underpaid and all the work. The boss
19:03
is a tyrant. They hate him the same old pattern, and that kind
19:07
of talk never leads to murder, mister dollar. Yeah, you've got a
19:11
point there. I guess that note was pushed under my door yesterday as a
19:14
crude attempted a joke, nothing else. Then Maltz lost his head and had
19:18
you sent down here from Hartford, and the whole thing has become ridiculous.
19:22
You may be right? Well you sure you won't have that drink? No?
19:26
No thanks. Oh, by the way, there's a maid at the
19:32
hotel here. I believe she works all the rooms along the terrace here,
19:36
A small girl, very pretty with her short, curly hair. Oh yes,
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yes, yes, Vilina or you've noticed it that no quiet? I
19:44
find her utterly charming. Would you happen to know whether she's married? I
19:47
really didn't bother to ask, does it matter not to me, but a
19:49
might to her husband. You are determined, aren't you. There must be
19:55
some reason why you're so scared. Scared, you do have preposterous imagination.
20:02
Good night, mister Dollar. It wasn't my imagination. Burton was scared or
20:07
worried or upset. At any rate. Something was bothering him. But at
20:11
the moment he was covering up for some reason, and there was nothing more
20:14
I could do to push him. So I gave up for the time being
20:17
and went back to my room. But I wasn't ready for sleep, and
20:19
the terrace outside my windows, lying empty in the moonlight, seemed in fighting,
20:23
and even more so the sound of breakers one hundred yards beyond. I
20:27
followed a winding path through the hotel gardens and came out of the sandy coal
20:32
and there I found her, Gloria Dale, sitting on the sea worn rocks
20:36
by the water's edge, with a bottle beside her, getting quietly drunk.
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You've discovered my guilty secret, mister Dollar. And I've only got one glass.
20:47
It's that or the bottle. I'll share the glass with you if it's
20:49
all right. Sure, there you are. Thanks, Here's to the moon
20:57
people. I seem real close tonight down there. Yeah, they'll be dancing
21:03
out there on the water by midnight. I think you're as crazy as I
21:06
am. Crazy. You're not even in the same league. I'm glad you
21:10
came. I go sort of nuts on moonlight nights by myself. Hey,
21:15
what happened a while? Weren't you two together? I send him off to
21:18
bed. He gets a little wearing. Sometimes he's real going on you,
21:23
isn't he? I guess so you. He's a good guy. I like
21:29
him a lot. He's fine. But no, click huh no, click
21:37
used to and better click easy, kid, you're drinking it straight. You
21:41
know, help yourself. What are you trying to do to yourself? Glorian?
21:48
Learn to forget, forget the emptiness, hollowness. There's nothing in me
21:56
anymore except the hate. Of course, there's plenty of hate for Charlie Burton.
22:00
For Charlie. Do you hate him enough to kill him? You've always
22:04
got your eye on the ball, haven't you used to dine more less?
22:08
Would you like to tell me about this emptiness? No? I don't think
22:11
so. Why not? Though? It's the edge of the land and the
22:18
edge of the sea and you're from the moon and you'll go back there at
22:22
dawn, So why not Here's to the moon makes people crazy? Hey,
22:27
save for that one for me? Here you are? Yeah, just leave
22:32
it there. So well, a year ago, my contract was up,
22:37
I was leaving the show and I was about to be married. Jerry's name
22:44
was and he's the only man I ever really loved. Burton was furious,
22:49
so I was letting him down. I was ungrateful, but he couldn't stop
22:53
me because my contract was up. And one morning I got a note from
22:59
Jerry special delivery. We were through. It said, why, no explanation,
23:07
just a cold, vicious note. That same morning Jerry left town with
23:12
a friend, chouted a plane and went to Canada on hunting trip. And
23:17
you didn't find out the reason for it later. Yes, that's the time
23:22
I was hurt. I was terribly hurt. I signed a new contract and
23:26
went on working. Months later I got the story round about what was it?
23:33
A private detective, one of the crooked ones, had gone to Jerry
23:37
with a complete report about me, supposedly my private life. Field reports after
23:41
David's statements, even photographs, a fake, the whole thing, but it
23:48
convinced Jerry. You know who was behind it? I can guess you're good,
23:53
old lovable Charlie Burton. He wanted to make sure i'd signed that contract.
23:59
When I did find out, why didn't you go to Jerry? I
24:02
could have then hunting trip. The plane crashed, Jerry never came back.
24:10
He was killed. It's crazy, Oh easy, sweet? Do I hate
24:17
Charlie Burton enough to kill him? So you asked me, wasn't it sure?
24:22
I hate him enough A thousand times enough. I mean, I haven't
24:27
got the nerve. So what do I do? I drink Floria held me
24:38
good? Back there, please, Jerry? What do you did? Love?
24:49
And hate? And the black Sea rocks and the lunatics morning at midnight
24:56
and no help on this earth for a wounded heart but time itself. A
25:00
tide was rising now, and rising fast, and hidden by the darkness.
25:04
A wave curled and broke, and time ran out. I lunged out of
25:11
bed and fumbled in the blackness from my robe and slippers and gun. Yeah,
25:15
who is it, Holly Button, open up, hoey dollar, You've
25:22
got to protect me. Somebody took a shot at me through my window from
25:25
the terrace. Oh, it was probably just a crude, practical joke,
25:27
joke joke. This is no laughing matter, don't you understand, Dollar,
25:33
somebody's out to kill me. Now here's our star to tell you about tomorrow's
25:52
intriguing episode of this week's story. Tomorrow A thickening web, clinging and sticky.
25:57
But one of the flies pulls free are using a gun. Join us,
26:02
won't you? Yours truly? Johnny Dollar? Yours Truly Johnny Dollar is
26:08
starring Bob Bailey, is transcribed in Hollywood, written by Less Crutchfield. It
26:12
is produced and directed by Jack Johnstone. Be sure to join us tomorrow night,
26:15
same time in station for the next exciting episode of Yours Truly Johnny Dollar.
26:21
Roy Rowan speaking when where Welcome back Well a powerful performance by Virginia Gregg
28:08
there and really all the actors have done a great job of creating compelling characters
28:17
slash suspects who could reasonably have a motive. The question about television raised a
28:23
couple of times, and I think it may end up being raised a few
28:26
more times before this series is over. It's a bit of an inside joke,
28:33
certainly on a radio program, as to when it might go to television.
28:37
Johnny Dowler did not actually end up airing on television, though they did
28:45
attempt a pilot. Blake Edwards, who wrote some of the scripts under John
28:52
Lund directed, and character actor William Bryant actually starred in the show. Uh
29:00
did not work out though. All right, well, that'll do it for
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today. We will be back on Tuesday with our last episode of the Amazing
29:11
Mister Malone, and we'll have a new show next week, so be sure
29:14
and join us back there for that. In the meantime, send your comments
29:18
to Box thirteen at Great Detectives dot net, follow us on Twitter at Radio
29:22
Detectors, and become one of our friends on Facebook, Facebook dot com.
29:26
Slash Radio Detectives from Boise, Idaho. This is your host, Adam Graham
29:30
signing off.