Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 459. The Top Belief of people with High Self Esteem

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459. The Top Belief of people with High Self Esteem · Do You F*cking Mind?

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Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of
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Speaker 1: Today where we are talking about the top beliefs of
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Speaker 1: people with high self esteem. So self esteem, self love,
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Speaker 1: self respect, they kind of all intertwine and are heavily linked,
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Speaker 1: and I personally think that it's hard to have one
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Speaker 1: without the other. So I wanted to kind of look
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Speaker 1: into and do a bit of a research into what
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Speaker 1: is it that people who have high self esteem, and
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Speaker 1: not just the ones that love themselves, but genuine high
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Speaker 1: self esteem. What is it that they have in common
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Speaker 1: with each other that we can look at as being like, right,
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Speaker 1: that's the platform, that's what you need to have, and
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Speaker 1: if you have these things, that will equal highest self esteem,
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Speaker 1: higher self respect, higher self love. And what I love
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Speaker 1: about everything that I kind of found while doing a
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Speaker 1: bit of like digging deep and researching into this is
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Speaker 1: that pretty much most things that like, most of these
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Speaker 1: traits are traits that you can acquire. You aren't born
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Speaker 1: with them, you can acquire them. If you don't have
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Speaker 1: them yet, you can get them. You can start changing
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Speaker 1: your behaviors, you can start changing how you interact with others,
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Speaker 1: how you talk to yourself, how you wake up in
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Speaker 1: the morning, your belief system, all of that, and you
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Speaker 1: will find that doing these things will positively impact your
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Speaker 1: levels of self esteem, self respect, and self love. Okay,
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Speaker 1: so let's well, I'll give you a little bit of
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Speaker 1: a life update before I dive down. I'm just so eager,
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Speaker 1: like over eager to get into this episode, but a
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Speaker 1: little bit of a life update. This is the first episode,
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Speaker 1: like one of the first episodes back. I think that
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Speaker 1: I am like back into proper recording now, Like all
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Speaker 1: the episodes that I had done in the lead up,
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Speaker 1: like after giving birth to the twins, they've run out.
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Speaker 1: I had like two and a half three months worth
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Speaker 1: of like episodes banked. Love that from my past self
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Speaker 1: for doing that for me. It's been amazing. But now
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Speaker 1: we're going straight into I'm like, I'm back. I'm recording
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Speaker 1: regularly two episodes a week, and yeah, I feel really, really,
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Speaker 1: really good about it. I was really worried that after
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Speaker 1: I would give birth that I would have maybe like
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Speaker 1: a six month kind of fog where I wouldn't be
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Speaker 1: able to concentrate or do anything. But I feel great,
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Speaker 1: I feel well supported, I feel really good, and I'm
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Speaker 1: so excited to be back doing two episodes a week,
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Speaker 1: Like I actually was setting up the scene with Shanaia
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Speaker 1: and Porshai. Every time she comes in, I'm like, Babe,
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Speaker 1: I've changed my mind with how I want to film
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Speaker 1: at this time, and every day I'm filming it differently.
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Speaker 1: But yeah, I was so excited to change the scene
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Speaker 1: and set and you know, sit down and start recording.
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Speaker 1: So yeah, it feels good to be back. Anyway, Let's
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Speaker 1: talk about the top beliefs of people with high self esteem,
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Speaker 1: because we're going to be speaking about these are kind
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Speaker 1: of the main things that we're going to be talking about.
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Speaker 1: But I'm going to break it down people that lack
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Speaker 1: self esteem, what is the common themes? And then I'm
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Speaker 1: going to be going breaking down the things that is
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Speaker 1: the common theme for people that have high self esteem,
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Speaker 1: and I'm going to be giving you tips and tools
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Speaker 1: and tricks and hints on what you can do to
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Speaker 1: turn it around for yourself as well. But we're talking
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Speaker 1: about your sense of overall security within yourself, how you
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Speaker 1: see yourself, like when you talk about yourself, when you
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Speaker 1: think about yourself, are they overall positive feelings or overall
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Speaker 1: negative feelings? Is it overall optimistic about yourself? Or overall
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Speaker 1: pessimistic about yourself. It's also talking about a sense of belonging.
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Speaker 1: Do you feel like you belong in your city, in
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Speaker 1: your home, and your friendship group, in your family do
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Speaker 1: you feel comfortable in that? And also we're talking about
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Speaker 1: feelings of competency. Okay, so all of these things kind
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Speaker 1: of tie in whether if you feel competent, whether it's
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Speaker 1: I'm a competent friend, I don't feel like I'm falling
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Speaker 1: short in the friendship group that I have to try
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Speaker 1: too hard. I feel competent at work, that I am
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Speaker 1: qualified to do the job that I'm doing, or I'm
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Speaker 1: learning at a pace that I'm really happy with that
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Speaker 1: will make me competent. Just overall, do you feel like
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Speaker 1: you're able to achieve certain the things that you've been
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Speaker 1: set out to do? Things in your relationship, career, personal hobbies,
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Speaker 1: all of that. Okay, all those things tie into self esteem. Okay, Now,
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Speaker 1: as we know, self esteem impacts your confidence, it impacts
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Speaker 1: your relationships massively. Okay, Like that's probably the biggest one
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Speaker 1: out of all of them. If you've got low self esteem,
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Speaker 1: then relationships become a bit of a lottery. You could,
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Speaker 1: by luck, be with someone who's really good. But if
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Speaker 1: your self esteem is low, then there's a big chance
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Speaker 1: that you're gonna unintentionally welcome in the wrong crowd right
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Speaker 1: friendships and romantically. Self esteem also impacts the opportunities that
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Speaker 1: you go for, the experiences that you give yourself, and
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Speaker 1: the challenges that you go after. And it also impacts
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Speaker 1: how quickly you can bounce back from defeat. That's a
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Speaker 1: big one as well. If you feel really bad about yourself,
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Speaker 1: defeat is going to feel. Firstly, you're less likely to
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Speaker 1: put yourself out there to do something because the thought
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Speaker 1: of defeat feels soul destroying because you think, if I
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Speaker 1: defeated with this, there's no way. You just don't believe
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Speaker 1: that you can build yourself back up again. And then
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Speaker 1: when you are defeated, you very much feel like you're drowning.
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Speaker 1: You feel very lost, and the climb back up feels
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Speaker 1: just insurmountable. Okay, If your self esteem is higher, then
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Speaker 1: you're more likely to be able to take on challenges,
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Speaker 1: whether it's breakups, being fired, going for a job that's
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Speaker 1: really hard, signing up for that course, that degree, that
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Speaker 1: physical challenge, anything, because you know that a it's a journey,
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Speaker 1: and you're prepared to see yourself when you're a novice,
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Speaker 1: You're prepared to meet yourself at your weakest and watch
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Speaker 1: yourself grow. You're prepared to be patient with yourself. It
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Speaker 1: all takes self respect and self love, and you know
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Speaker 1: obviously self esteem, and you also know that if you
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Speaker 1: fail at that thing, you will be okay. You've got
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Speaker 1: your back like it's okay, It's not the end of
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Speaker 1: the world if I fail. You're more likely to stick
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Speaker 1: things out when they get hard because you are resilient,
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Speaker 1: You're more likely to believe that you can find a way.
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Speaker 1: So let's say you set out to do a course.
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Speaker 1: Let's say you want to do a degree, but you're like,
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Speaker 1: before I do that degree, I'm going to do this
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Speaker 1: course first to kind of test the waters and see
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Speaker 1: how I go. You start doing the course and it
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Speaker 1: starts getting hard, and then, if you have high self esteem,
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Speaker 1: you think this is a challenge. What can I do
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Speaker 1: to kind of get through this? How can I start
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Speaker 1: taking on these challenges the most productive way possible. How
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Speaker 1: can I believe that I'm going to find a way
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Speaker 1: through this to then tackle the heart the next challenge.
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Speaker 1: If you have low self esteem, you might think I
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Speaker 1: knew it was going to be this harder. I knew
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Speaker 1: I wouldn't be able to do it. What if I
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Speaker 1: don't have time, What if it becomes more stressful? How
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Speaker 1: am I going to do with it? And then you
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Speaker 1: drop out? And then you keep postponing, postponing, postponing. Okay,
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Speaker 1: So we're also going to talk about the fact that
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Speaker 1: you can set realistic expectations for yourself with when you
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Speaker 1: have high self esteem. The expectations you set, yes they
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Speaker 1: are high, but they're also realistic. They're kind. You're setting
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Speaker 1: kind expectations to yourself. Okay. You are able to look
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Speaker 1: at something and say that feels real for me, that
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Speaker 1: feels possible for me, and while it's not happening right now,
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Speaker 1: I can see how it's a possibility for me in
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Speaker 1: the future. So I can set that as a realistic
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Speaker 1: expectation for myself, you know, and if something doesn't feel
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Speaker 1: realistic to you, you understand why that's not realistic, and
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Speaker 1: you can kind of figure out how do I make
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Speaker 1: that realistic or how do I go for something else
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Speaker 1: that suits me better. You're not like I'll just never
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Speaker 1: be good enough or I'll never get a person like that,
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Speaker 1: or I'll never You're not all doom and gloom. You think,
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Speaker 1: why is it that I feel that I can't get that?
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Speaker 1: Is it because it's legit? Is it because like I
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Speaker 1: just don't have the physical traits to be able to
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Speaker 1: achieve that job or career. Or is it because I
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Speaker 1: just don't have that foundation of self esteem or self belief?
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Speaker 1: They're okay. Now, people with healthy self esteem obviously demonstrate
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Speaker 1: all those traits that I just mentioned and more. I'm
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Speaker 1: yet to go into the key traits. Okay, where I'm
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Speaker 1: going to dive into it, but first let's go into
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Speaker 1: low self esteem. So that way you can already start
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Speaker 1: to identify. Let's me love that for me. We've all
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Speaker 1: been there, by the way. Or you can be like, yeah,
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Speaker 1: that's not me. Maybe I do have high self esteem,
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Speaker 1: maye there's things that can work on to make it
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Speaker 1: even higher. Okay, Now, when we talk about high self esteem,
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Speaker 1: none of this has to do with this, you know,
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Speaker 1: conceded up myself kind of thing. Okay, it's far from it,
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Speaker 1: and you're going to see why. Far far from being
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Speaker 1: up yourself, it is a true sense of respecting and
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Speaker 1: loving yourself, feeling good about you, not nothing to do
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Speaker 1: with how you pit yourself or compare yourself to other people. Okay,
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Speaker 1: now let's start with low self esteem. Pay attention to
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Speaker 1: these and how these could have carried on effects in
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Speaker 1: other areas. If you're like, okay, number one, fear of
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Speaker 1: failure so so much so that you're not putting yourself
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Speaker 1: out there as much as you'd wish everyone to an extent,
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Speaker 1: or I would say most people to an extent have
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Speaker 1: a fear of failure. But there's the crippling fear of
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Speaker 1: failure where it stops you from taking action, and there's
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Speaker 1: the exciting fear of failure where you're kind of like,
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Speaker 1: let's go into it, like I really don't want to fail.
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Speaker 1: No one wants to fail, right, So there is that
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Speaker 1: level of I'm fearing it a little bit, but one
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Speaker 1: is crippling, and one is like, this is the kind
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Speaker 1: of the nervous energy that I need to go forward. Okay.
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Speaker 1: Number two, you find it hard asking for what you
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Speaker 1: need because you feel like a burden. Okay, if you
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Speaker 1: always feel like you can't ask for something you can't,
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Speaker 1: whether it's directions from a stranger, whether it's a favor
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Speaker 1: from a relative or a friend, whether it's something from
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Speaker 1: your partner, you feel, who am I to ask? Who
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Speaker 1: am I to be that burden on somebody? I'm just
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Speaker 1: going to kind of do it for myself. It's kind
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Speaker 1: of a level of hype independence as well, where we
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Speaker 1: see it as oh, well I must really believe myself,
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Speaker 1: but it's actually gone too far the other way. I
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Speaker 1: can't be a burden. Okay, So that way, I'm just
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Speaker 1: not gonna ask for help. I'm not gonna ask for
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Speaker 1: anything of anyone. Okay. Number three, you're more negative towards yourself,
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Speaker 1: and because of that, you're also more negative towards others.
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Speaker 1: So negative towards yourself in the sense of your appearance,
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Speaker 1: your achievements, your you know, your personality traits. But because
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Speaker 1: of that, because you feel down, you have this innate
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Speaker 1: need to want to feel better, but because you don't
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Speaker 1: know how to feel better within yourself, you then start
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Speaker 1: to kind of project that negativity onto other people. Okay,
10:42
Speaker 1: whether it's in your head or whether it's out loud.
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Speaker 1: You might be nice to their face, but in your
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Speaker 1: head you're like, well that person didn't do this, or
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Speaker 1: well that person got dumped or well, that person you know,
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Speaker 1: they might seem happy, but behind closed doors, they're probably miserable.
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Speaker 1: It's kind of you know that. It's that typical thing
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Speaker 1: of people that always say, oh my god, if they
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Speaker 1: look happy on social media, they must be miserable, Like
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Speaker 1: why why do you feel that way? Yeah, there are
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Speaker 1: some people that portray a happy life and are miserable.
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Speaker 1: But for you to always cling to that as to
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Speaker 1: why it's okay for you, as to why you're better
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Speaker 1: off than them, it's it's this comparison that's never going
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Speaker 1: to actually make you feel better. If you look at
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Speaker 1: someone who's happy and you think they're probably miserable behind
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Speaker 1: closed doors, that says more about you than the reality
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Speaker 1: of that individual you don't even know. Okay, So this
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Speaker 1: idea of feeling negative towards other people, like their relationship
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Speaker 1: must actually be shit or they these or they that. Yeah, okay,
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Speaker 1: that's not helping you in the short term in the
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Speaker 1: immediate short term. It feels good, doesn't help you in
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Speaker 1: the long term. Number four, You put others' needs before
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Speaker 1: you because you think it's going to make people like
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Speaker 1: you more, even when it's their secondary needs over your
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Speaker 1: primary needs. Okay, there's nothing wrong with doing things. Actually,
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Speaker 1: I encourage you to do other things for other people,
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Speaker 1: make yourself useful, be helpful. But if you are sacrificing
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Speaker 1: your primary needs, like certain things like within your time,
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Speaker 1: I actually need to exercise, I need to do these things.
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Speaker 1: I need to, you know, do this for my mind.
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Speaker 1: I need to focus on my career. Or there's certain
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Speaker 1: things that I need to do, but I'm gonna put
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Speaker 1: that aside and do something for someone else or behave
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Speaker 1: in a certain way because I think that if I
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Speaker 1: please them enough, then they're gonna like me. It's that
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Speaker 1: people pleasing thing. I'll do anything for someone to like me,
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Speaker 1: and then unfortunately that never works. People pleasers are not
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Speaker 1: the most liked people in the world. If anything, people
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Speaker 1: walk all over them because they don't respect them, which
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Speaker 1: is really sad. Okay, but they become this kind of
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Speaker 1: background player because they become so I'll do anything you want,
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Speaker 1: I'll do this, I'll do that, I'll pand to you
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Speaker 1: that they're not seeing as egals and people pleases very
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Speaker 1: often are not the most liked people, but they are
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Speaker 1: the most forgotten, which is unfortunate. And we don't need
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Speaker 1: to do that that's not on brand for us. And
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Speaker 1: entering the end of the year, number five, we have
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Speaker 1: a lot of self doubt trying new things, exactly what
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Speaker 1: I spoke about earlier. Number six, you feel that other
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Speaker 1: people are always just going to be better off than you,
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Speaker 1: Like they're gonna be luckier than you, They're going to
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Speaker 1: be given the opportunity over you. They're going to whether
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Speaker 1: they deserve it. You might think that they don't deserve it.
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Speaker 1: It's not about like I said, like you're more negative
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Speaker 1: towards other people, but you still think, oh, well, the
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Speaker 1: reason they got that is because they're lucky, or the
13:21
Speaker 1: reason they got that is because you know their family
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Speaker 1: is rich, the reason they and so you always start
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Speaker 1: thinking other people are going to get something and I'm
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Speaker 1: not gonna get it. And then seven lastly, you highlight
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Speaker 1: your weaknesses way too often, but you don't talk about
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Speaker 1: your strengths even if you are good at something. So
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Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with highlighting a weakness
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Speaker 1: if it's just a straight up fact, if it's something
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Speaker 1: that you're willing to work on, if it's something funny.
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Speaker 1: I'm also like, I'm all about self development. This and that.
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Speaker 1: But I also do can take the piss. I also
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Speaker 1: can joke. I also can fuck around. I also can
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Speaker 1: be like, you know, like no one's perfect and we're
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Speaker 1: always gonna, like, you know, be a bit self deprecating.
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Speaker 1: And that's fine, Okay, I'm not saying you can never
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Speaker 1: make a self deprecating comment ever. Again, I'm also like
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Speaker 1: Australian and we definitely put ourselves down all the time
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Speaker 1: to be funny. So that's fine. But what I'm saying
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Speaker 1: is where you genuinely only focus on your weaknesses, not
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Speaker 1: looking to change them or fix them, but you see
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Speaker 1: if it as an actual weakness and it makes you
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Speaker 1: feel bad. And then on top of that, you never
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Speaker 1: highlight your strengths. Okay, so you're only talking about your
14:26
Speaker 1: weaknesses to yourself, to other people. Oh I'm not good
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Speaker 1: at that, Oh I'm not this, I'm not that kind
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Speaker 1: of person, I'm not academic, I'm not a morning person.
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Speaker 1: I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not. And then
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Speaker 1: you don't ever highlight your strengths. Okay, so that is
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Speaker 1: low self esteem. Now let's go into the key characteristics
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Speaker 1: of people with high self esteem, and I'm gonna be
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Speaker 1: giving you. As I break down each one of these,
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Speaker 1: I want to also kind of talk about how you
14:53
Speaker 1: can kind of lean into doing that as well. So
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Speaker 1: Number one, it's knowing what you are good at and
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Speaker 1: owning it, not downplaying it. You don't have to tell
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Speaker 1: the world. You don't have to tell people who don't
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Speaker 1: give a fuck you don't know. But it's I know
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Speaker 1: what I'm good at, and I am going to, you know,
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Speaker 1: talk about that express myself, especially when whether it's like
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Speaker 1: in a career opportunity or whatever. It's good for you
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Speaker 1: as an individual to know what you're good at and
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Speaker 1: to let other people know that you're good at that.
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Speaker 1: It's good to build self confidence, to build trust within
15:24
Speaker 1: yourself that you're able to do that thing. But it's
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Speaker 1: also really good for others to see that you're able
15:28
Speaker 1: to really identify your own skill set. Okay, there's a
15:32
Speaker 1: difference between being confident in your abilities and in your
15:35
Speaker 1: skills and being cocky. Okay. There was this really interesting
15:39
Speaker 1: thing that like a like a question that I read
15:41
Speaker 1: online all the comments, and it said if you were
15:45
Speaker 1: in an airplane and for whatever reason, the autopilot wasn't
15:47
Speaker 1: working and the pilot and co pilot whatever. No one
15:49
Speaker 1: could fly the plane. So someone comes out and says,
15:51
Speaker 1: no one can fly this plane. We need someone to
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Speaker 1: fly the plane, right. And they said, if a man
15:56
Speaker 1: put up his hand and said I can do it,
15:58
Speaker 1: and then a woman put up her hand and said
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Speaker 1: I can do it, who out of those two would
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Speaker 1: you want to fly that plane? And then in the comments,
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Speaker 1: most people said I would choose the woman because for
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Speaker 1: a woman to stand up and say I can fly
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Speaker 1: that plane would mean that she must fucking be a pilot,
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Speaker 1: because women are the last people to overestimate their abilities,
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Speaker 1: whereas a man would be like, oh, well, I've flown
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Speaker 1: a plane on fucking Microsoft whatever, so I'll fly this thing. Right.
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Speaker 1: So the reason I'm bringing this up is because for
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Speaker 1: the women listening, which is most of my audience, pay
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Speaker 1: attention to that, why is it that? And I'm not
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Speaker 1: talking about flying a plane, but I'm saying that it's
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Speaker 1: so it's so normal that we will not speak about
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Speaker 1: our abilities unless we're a pro, unless we are like
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Speaker 1: you can start singing your praises a bit earlier than that,
16:47
Speaker 1: you can start saying, you know what, I'm getting really
16:48
Speaker 1: good at this or this is a skill of mine.
16:49
Speaker 1: All this, we feel like we've got to be one
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Speaker 1: hundred percent so so so confident in order to be
16:54
Speaker 1: able to talk about something that we're good at, and
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Speaker 1: that's sad. Okay. So one of the key characteristics of
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Speaker 1: high self esteem is being able to call out what
17:02
Speaker 1: you were good at the next one is being able
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Speaker 1: to foster strong relationships with other people and then being
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Speaker 1: vulnerable and open to others. Okay, this vulnerability tells you,
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Speaker 1: I like. Real vulnerability is a sign of high self
17:19
Speaker 1: esteem because it's saying, you know what, I can express
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Speaker 1: my feelings. I can't express my wants. I can't express
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Speaker 1: my desires for what I want in a relationship, what
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Speaker 1: I want in my life. And if you can't meet
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Speaker 1: me there, if you reject me, if you say you're
17:32
Speaker 1: not interested, I'm confident saying well, I can walk away.
17:36
Speaker 1: Then I don't have to then change what I want
17:39
Speaker 1: to please you or to get you, or to be
17:42
Speaker 1: in a relationship that with the perfect person where I'm unhappy,
17:45
Speaker 1: I can walk away. That's true strength, being truly vulnerable,
17:49
Speaker 1: because once you bear all and someone says no, I'm
17:52
Speaker 1: not interested, you say okay, cool and walk away. The
17:55
Speaker 1: alternative to that is having your walls up all the
17:58
Speaker 1: time and thinking that having your alls up means that
18:00
Speaker 1: you're strong and independent, but in reality, you never experienced
18:02
Speaker 1: a deep connection with somebody else. The next one is positive, good,
18:07
Speaker 1: realistic expectations of yourself, not to limit yourself, but knowing
18:11
Speaker 1: where your limitations are in a good way, okay, and
18:15
Speaker 1: what you would have to do if you wanted to
18:16
Speaker 1: push past that limitation. Okay. So the difference is saying oh,
18:21
Speaker 1: I'm not academic. I'm not academic, I could never study,
18:23
Speaker 1: to saying I've never studied in the past. That's a
18:26
Speaker 1: limitation of mine. I don't know how to study consistently.
18:29
Speaker 1: But now that I've identified that limitation, it doesn't mean
18:32
Speaker 1: I'm not academic. It means I have no history of
18:34
Speaker 1: being able to study. So how am I going to
18:36
Speaker 1: turn that around? I now know that's a limitation, and
18:38
Speaker 1: I now know that I had that belief system, so
18:41
Speaker 1: now I can turn that around. Okay. So it's not
18:44
Speaker 1: this delusion of ah, I can do whatever I want, whatever,
18:48
Speaker 1: you know, it's this strong belief that with the right resources,
18:52
Speaker 1: you can improve, you can change, you can grow and
18:54
Speaker 1: adapt and I have no shame naming what my limitations
18:57
Speaker 1: are and what I can do about those limitations. Okay.
19:00
Speaker 1: The same goes for healing, like knowing that you might
19:03
Speaker 1: need time to process a heartbreak. It's not saying that
19:06
Speaker 1: you will never get over it, but it's okay to say,
19:08
Speaker 1: you know what, my limitation right now is that I'm
19:10
Speaker 1: not over this. I'm not over this thing. I need
19:12
Speaker 1: to process it. I need to cry, I need to
19:15
Speaker 1: have my melt down. And that's kind of a limitation
19:17
Speaker 1: right now, stopping me from feeling amazing. But I'm also
19:20
Speaker 1: not going to pretend that I've got this thick skin
19:22
Speaker 1: and I'm okay and nothing ever hurts me. So that
19:24
Speaker 1: is knowing your limitations in a really positive way, and
19:27
Speaker 1: then when you can identify them, you can do something
19:29
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, limitations can be your friend. Okay, good times.
19:34
Speaker 1: Next one is knowing what your needs are in order
19:38
Speaker 1: to feel satisfied. Not being hyper independent, but knowing I
19:42
Speaker 1: need this from this person in order for this relationship
19:44
Speaker 1: to succeed. I need this from myself. I need alone
19:47
Speaker 1: time every day, I need I need, I need. I
19:49
Speaker 1: know what those needs are. Okay. Another thing that now
19:54
Speaker 1: I've got another ten points next is you don't dwell
19:59
Speaker 1: on negative explperiences, so you call it as it is,
20:02
Speaker 1: you learn from it, you can apologize, you can have
20:06
Speaker 1: the tactical crime, you can have the tactical mental breakdown,
20:10
Speaker 1: but you don't play a victim and get stuck in
20:12
Speaker 1: it and you move through it. The reason, and I've
20:14
Speaker 1: got a whole episode on victim, you don't have to
20:17
Speaker 1: be the victim and victimhood. But the reason a lot
20:19
Speaker 1: of the time we play the victim and people with
20:21
Speaker 1: low self esteem play the victim is because in that
20:24
Speaker 1: pocket of time where you are the victim, you feel heard, loved,
20:30
Speaker 1: cared for. People pity you, and even though you might
20:34
Speaker 1: not like feeling pitied, it gives you attention and you
20:38
Speaker 1: feel validated. Okay, And then it's really easy for someone
20:42
Speaker 1: with low self esteem to fall into the trap of
20:45
Speaker 1: playing the role of the victim because you get this validation.
20:47
Speaker 1: But the problem with that is that then your problems
20:49
Speaker 1: become bigger and bigger and bigger for people to continue
20:52
Speaker 1: giving that validation. Okay, So instead of that, people with
20:55
Speaker 1: high self esteem don't dwell on the negative experience, they
20:58
Speaker 1: still go through it. The way they need to go
21:00
Speaker 1: through it, but they're able to be like, all right,
21:02
Speaker 1: what can I learn from this, Whether it's need to
21:04
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat me differently, whether it's there's
21:07
Speaker 1: nothing I could have done. It sucks, that's just part
21:09
Speaker 1: of life. Now, I've got to be more resilient. How
21:11
Speaker 1: do I move on from something that I had no
21:12
Speaker 1: control of happening? How do I like learn from this?
21:15
Speaker 1: How do I whatever? Okay? How do I apologize? Right?
21:19
Speaker 1: So all of those things. The next one is you
21:24
Speaker 1: are overall positive. You're overall optimistic. And notice the key word,
21:29
Speaker 1: he is overall. I'm not saying this toxic positivity. Everything's good,
21:34
Speaker 1: nothing is bad. No one's allowed to complain. No, it's
21:36
Speaker 1: not about that. It's overall. You are optimistic. You're a
21:41
Speaker 1: positive person. People feel comfortable sharing ideas with you because
21:44
Speaker 1: you're a good sounding board. You don't bring others down
21:47
Speaker 1: when they share a concept and idea a thought. Okay,
21:50
Speaker 1: even if you don't agree with another person, even if
21:55
Speaker 1: you don't think their ideas are a good idea, you
21:58
Speaker 1: can go about it with tact. You can go about
22:00
Speaker 1: it in like a productive way, saying, listen, there might
22:03
Speaker 1: be some weaknesses here, but how could you workshop that?
22:05
Speaker 1: Or have you thought about it? But you're not thinking, Ha,
22:08
Speaker 1: here's my opportunity to bring that person down a peg.
22:10
Speaker 1: Here's my opportunity to make that person feel shit, so
22:12
Speaker 1: I can feel good. And so I'm here and instead
22:14
Speaker 1: of building myself up, all I have to do is
22:16
Speaker 1: bring others down and then I feel better. That's the
22:19
Speaker 1: number one like if someone's like that, If you see
22:22
Speaker 1: someone that instead of working or bringing themselves up, all
22:24
Speaker 1: they do is pulling people down below them, and that's
22:28
Speaker 1: how they feel better about themselves. That is one of
22:30
Speaker 1: the key giveaways that they've got very low self esteem okay,
22:34
Speaker 1: because they can't see other people happy independently of how
22:37
Speaker 1: they feel about themselves okay, which then brings me to
22:41
Speaker 1: the next point. People with high self esteem don't pit
22:43
Speaker 1: themselves against other people. They look at it as completely
22:46
Speaker 1: different things. You are your person, living your own life,
22:49
Speaker 1: having your own successes, and no matter how successful and
22:51
Speaker 1: happy you are, that doesn't take away from the ability
22:54
Speaker 1: for me to be happy. If you think, oh, if
22:56
Speaker 1: I can make that person miserable, I'm going to feel
22:58
Speaker 1: better about myself, then you've lost the plot essentially, Okay,
23:01
Speaker 1: You've got to look at it as I don't need
23:06
Speaker 1: to compete with other people in order to feel happy
23:09
Speaker 1: in order to have self esteem. Self esteem is not
23:11
Speaker 1: a limited resource. Everyone has access to it. Everyone can
23:15
Speaker 1: have unlimited amounts of that. Same as confidence, same as
23:19
Speaker 1: you know, success in your life, all of these things, happiness,
23:23
Speaker 1: all of that. Okay. So if you think I, in
23:26
Speaker 1: order to feel happy, in order to feel good in myself,
23:29
Speaker 1: I have to compete with that individual and do better
23:32
Speaker 1: than them, or bring them down, or see them fail,
23:35
Speaker 1: see them full flood on their face, and then I'll
23:36
Speaker 1: feel good about myself. See them get dumped, see them
23:39
Speaker 1: go through a divorce, see them bang, and then I'm
23:41
Speaker 1: going to feel good. You have self esteem problems if
23:44
Speaker 1: that's how you feel. So someone with high self esteem,
23:46
Speaker 1: that's that's completely independent. How people do outside of them,
23:49
Speaker 1: good or bad, is independent to how they feel about themselves.
23:52
Speaker 1: Next one, you don't try and create status, this status
23:56
Speaker 1: of being above other people. So similar to what I
24:00
Speaker 1: just spoke about. But you're happy within yourself, so you
24:02
Speaker 1: don't get tangled up if someone else is doing well. Okay,
24:06
Speaker 1: I know sometimes when someone succeeds. It can highlight the
24:10
Speaker 1: fact that you're not doing well in this moment, and
24:13
Speaker 1: that's okay, and that's fine to feel that way in
24:15
Speaker 1: the moment and to acknowledge that because you're saying, oh,
24:17
Speaker 1: this is just kind of broad a mirror and it's
24:19
Speaker 1: made me feel like I'm actually not doing as well
24:21
Speaker 1: as I'd like to do in my career. But there's
24:23
Speaker 1: a difference between someone succeeding and you having that pang
24:26
Speaker 1: of like, oh God, I wish I could succeed, and
24:28
Speaker 1: then thinking, wait a minute, I can turn this around. Yes,
24:32
Speaker 1: I've acknowledged yet again that I'm not happy with where
24:34
Speaker 1: I am at, but I can also really see that
24:37
Speaker 1: them succeeding actually has no impact on whether I do
24:42
Speaker 1: well or not. And if anything, I like to see
24:44
Speaker 1: people around me succeed because it reminds me that success
24:48
Speaker 1: really is all around me. I always look at these people,
24:50
Speaker 1: as you know, there are examples of what's available. There
24:53
Speaker 1: are examples, and if everyone around me is succeeding, then
24:56
Speaker 1: I look at that as the common denominator. Well, if
24:58
Speaker 1: everyone around me is doing well, then that's the common thing,
25:02
Speaker 1: that's the common theme. So it goes to stand that
25:04
Speaker 1: I surely can do well as well. If you want
25:07
Speaker 1: everyone around you to do poorly, then what's that saying
25:10
Speaker 1: that it's that rare to do well? No, you want
25:12
Speaker 1: it to be like this is the norm to do well. Okay,
25:15
Speaker 1: that's why a lot of the time you see friendship
25:17
Speaker 1: groups where everyone's killing it, everyone's succeeding because they gravitate
25:20
Speaker 1: towards each other. You can have noticed that when you
25:22
Speaker 1: change your mindset, you're gonna gravitate away or towards people
25:25
Speaker 1: that share that mindset of Yet we're all succeeding. It's
25:28
Speaker 1: the norm. We bring each other up, we'll help each
25:30
Speaker 1: other out, you know, versus I'm competing with you, competing
25:35
Speaker 1: with you, I'm not going to share my resources, my knowledge,
25:37
Speaker 1: my understanding of something that I'm not sharing a shame
25:39
Speaker 1: hod horde, and then no one's doing well. You'll notice
25:42
Speaker 1: a theme. Look at social groups, people that are always
25:45
Speaker 1: pitting each other against each other versus those that lift
25:48
Speaker 1: each other up. Okay, perfect example is my girlfriend group
25:52
Speaker 1: fucking They're all amazing and all killing it, and it's
25:55
Speaker 1: because I feel like everyone in that group is always
25:57
Speaker 1: building each other up, always sharing resources always. One of
26:00
Speaker 1: the things that I always say, but my gals like
26:04
Speaker 1: the twelve of Us, is that we will always speak
26:07
Speaker 1: and sing each other's praises in a room full of
26:09
Speaker 1: opportunities when they're not there, every time for every single
26:13
Speaker 1: one of those girls. And I can handle my heart
26:15
Speaker 1: say that I know that those girls do that for me,
26:17
Speaker 1: and then you feel good. Right, So those are the
26:19
Speaker 1: people you want to surround yourself with. And the next
26:22
Speaker 1: one is people with high self esteem are comfortable saying no, okay,
26:26
Speaker 1: not agreeing with someone just to make the other person
26:31
Speaker 1: feel comfortable, saying no to an invitation, saying no to
26:34
Speaker 1: a situation, and not abrasively, just as a boundary, you know.
26:39
Speaker 1: And you might say, oh, but I feel so uncomfortable.
26:42
Speaker 1: I can't say no to my in laws when they
26:44
Speaker 1: say something, you can just listen to them. For example,
26:47
Speaker 1: let's say they're talking about an opinion that's political and
26:50
Speaker 1: you've just met your in laws and you just don't
26:52
Speaker 1: feel like raising a political opinion, even if it's a
26:54
Speaker 1: big clash you don't. Then sometimes you might feel like, oh,
26:58
Speaker 1: I've got a nod an agree, and I don't. You
27:00
Speaker 1: can just not agree. You can just say, oh, I'm
27:03
Speaker 1: glad that you're sharing this with me. I like hearing
27:06
Speaker 1: your perspective, Like things like that make you feel like
27:09
Speaker 1: I still stood my ground. I didn't feel comfortable disagreeing
27:12
Speaker 1: with someone. I just meant, who is someone that I
27:14
Speaker 1: would like to have a nice relationship. But I also
27:16
Speaker 1: can say certain things where I'm still true to myself
27:19
Speaker 1: and I'm not kind of putting myself in an uncomfortable
27:22
Speaker 1: position where it might bring on a debate that I'm
27:23
Speaker 1: not in the mid to have, you know, so it's like,
27:25
Speaker 1: thank you for sharing that with me. Thank you for like,
27:28
Speaker 1: I like seeing how you think, like, yeah, I don't
27:31
Speaker 1: necessary And then if they say, well do you agree,
27:33
Speaker 1: you say, well, not necessarily, but it's cool to hear,
27:36
Speaker 1: you know, things like that. That's still not agreeing for
27:39
Speaker 1: the sake of agreeing, which is really really good. You know,
27:42
Speaker 1: you are comfortable saying I don't see it the way
27:45
Speaker 1: you see it, but I appreciate you sharing it. You
27:47
Speaker 1: are comfortable saying I'm not able to make it tonight.
27:50
Speaker 1: It's just I don't have the bandwidth. But let's do
27:52
Speaker 1: something another time you're able to. You know, you can
27:57
Speaker 1: just say no okay, and you don't always have to
28:00
Speaker 1: explain yourself. I always say, like, if they're your friend,
28:02
Speaker 1: of course I would explain myself. I think it's weird
28:04
Speaker 1: if someone said, hey, do you want to go out
28:05
Speaker 1: for coffee and I say no, that's just weird to
28:08
Speaker 1: a friend of mine. I would always explain myself. But
28:11
Speaker 1: you don't have to explain yourself, just you know, read
28:13
Speaker 1: the room basically since next one. You don't take someone
28:24
Speaker 1: disagreeing with you as a personal attack. Okay. You can
28:29
Speaker 1: have a comfortable debate with someone about you know them
28:33
Speaker 1: disagree with you and you're like, you know what, this is?
28:36
Speaker 1: Like what I loved about being in France. They love
28:38
Speaker 1: a debate. They fucking love a debate and it's not rude.
28:41
Speaker 1: I think in Australia it depends on the friendship group,
28:44
Speaker 1: Like I don't want I hate, and I'm saying this
28:46
Speaker 1: about the French being like, oh all of them. I'm
28:48
Speaker 1: sure there are people in France that don't like debating,
28:50
Speaker 1: but in general, I think culturally there is a norm
28:52
Speaker 1: to not disagree too heavily with someone, and that the
28:55
Speaker 1: moment someone disagrees with you, it's because they're trying to
28:57
Speaker 1: stir you win in reality. You know, when I was
29:00
Speaker 1: in France, I found that culturally it was an enjoyable
29:02
Speaker 1: thing to like, no, tell me why you disagree? Like
29:04
Speaker 1: they it's fun for them. It's like a like a
29:07
Speaker 1: sport in a good way, and they they're like best
29:10
Speaker 1: is immediately after this like heated debate of why they disagree.
29:13
Speaker 1: I really liked that. So if you can bring that
29:16
Speaker 1: on board as well, It's like someone can disagree with
29:18
Speaker 1: me and I don't take it as a personal stab.
29:21
Speaker 1: I don't take it as a stab to my identity.
29:22
Speaker 1: That's high self esteem. That's saying interesting that you think that, why?
29:26
Speaker 1: Like question them, like, get inquisitive. Don't don't shut down
29:30
Speaker 1: and think, well, you're a dick, You're a fucking dick
29:32
Speaker 1: cat for thinking that way. No, just say I like,
29:34
Speaker 1: share your thoughts with me, why why is that? And
29:36
Speaker 1: be interested genuinely, and then then you can spark up
29:40
Speaker 1: a really fun debate and then you might have a
29:42
Speaker 1: thirty minute conversation where none of you have agreed on
29:44
Speaker 1: each other's points, but you've understood the other person better.
29:47
Speaker 1: It's fun doing that, Okay, it's not an attack. The
29:52
Speaker 1: next one third last one high emotional intelligence. This is massive.
29:57
Speaker 1: You are able to read the room. You can see
30:00
Speaker 1: if someone is bored. You can see if someone like
30:03
Speaker 1: you take the time to pause and pay attention to
30:06
Speaker 1: what someone's saying, or what someone and I'm not saying,
30:09
Speaker 1: because you might say, oh, well, you know, I might
30:11
Speaker 1: be on the spectrum and I can't read the room. Okay,
30:12
Speaker 1: I'm talking about the combination of all things. You might
30:17
Speaker 1: be someone that has high self esteem, but you struggle
30:19
Speaker 1: to read the room, and that's the one thing you
30:20
Speaker 1: don't have. Fine, okay, But in general, being able to
30:24
Speaker 1: read the room does contribute to higher levels of self
30:27
Speaker 1: esteem because you are able to be like, this person's
30:30
Speaker 1: not interested, and that's okay. I've based on their body language.
30:35
Speaker 1: I've seen what I needed to say. I'm going to
30:37
Speaker 1: end the conversation here. I don't need to kind of
30:40
Speaker 1: string this thing along and hope that they like me more.
30:43
Speaker 1: If I was just able to, like, use my emotional intelligence,
30:47
Speaker 1: read them a little bit better read a rejection, better read.
30:49
Speaker 1: You know, when someone's not interested, or someone's pissed off,
30:52
Speaker 1: or someone doesn't want to bar of me, and I
30:53
Speaker 1: don't look at it as an attack on me. I
30:55
Speaker 1: just look at it as I've been able to, you know,
30:57
Speaker 1: read this situation quite well, and that's more a you thing.
31:02
Speaker 1: If you're not being interested, you're not liking this, and
31:04
Speaker 1: I can just walk away from that, that's fine, okay.
31:07
Speaker 1: You can also see when someone's kind of at their capacity,
31:10
Speaker 1: so you're not you know, pushing them too far or
31:13
Speaker 1: asking for more. You know when to interact with someone
31:15
Speaker 1: versus when to not interact with someone, and that contributes
31:17
Speaker 1: to feeling really comfortable in the relationships that you have
31:20
Speaker 1: with other people because you can kind of type in
31:22
Speaker 1: and out when appropriate number, whatever the number is. The
31:27
Speaker 1: second last one is you don't take other people's actions
31:31
Speaker 1: personally unless it needs to be. So if someone's cold
31:35
Speaker 1: one day, if someone's you know, someone with high self
31:37
Speaker 1: esteem or This also ties in with anxiety as well.
31:41
Speaker 1: Like social anxiety goes hand in hand to this particular one.
31:45
Speaker 1: If someone is cold with you one day, someone with
31:49
Speaker 1: low self esteem or high anxiety is instantly going to
31:51
Speaker 1: be like, what have I done? What have I done?
31:53
Speaker 1: What have I done? If someone, if live, my best
31:55
Speaker 1: friend was cold to me one day, I'm going to
31:57
Speaker 1: be like, what happened? To her? Is she is she
32:00
Speaker 1: really tired? Is she sleep deprivate? She have a bad
32:02
Speaker 1: day work. The last thing I'm gonna think unless like
32:05
Speaker 1: again I'm talking about high emotional intelligence, unless I was
32:08
Speaker 1: like rude to her the last time we saw each
32:09
Speaker 1: other and I just forgot about my actions. But the
32:12
Speaker 1: last thing I'm going to like, the last conclusion I
32:14
Speaker 1: jumped to, is what have I done? Why she angry
32:16
Speaker 1: at me? Right? So you you really pay attention. And
32:19
Speaker 1: if the first thing you jump at is she's mad
32:21
Speaker 1: at me, you would think she's mad at me because
32:24
Speaker 1: I know what I've done. But if you know that
32:26
Speaker 1: you've done nothing wrong and you still think, oh my god,
32:29
Speaker 1: what have I done? Why are they're mad at me?
32:30
Speaker 1: Because you're reading you know their actions, and you think
32:33
Speaker 1: it's about you, then this could play into your self
32:36
Speaker 1: esteem and your levels of anxiety social anxiety. Okay, So
32:40
Speaker 1: you don't take other people's actions personally unless it needs
32:45
Speaker 1: to be. Like if I was really rude to live
32:47
Speaker 1: and then she was cold to me the next day,
32:49
Speaker 1: I can put two and two together, and that's when
32:51
Speaker 1: i'd need to apologize or say something or do something
32:53
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, And then Lastly, you can ask for
32:57
Speaker 1: things without feeling like it's a weakness. When you feel
33:00
Speaker 1: good about yourself, when you feel strong, Needing some help
33:03
Speaker 1: is not a weakness because not only are you happy
33:06
Speaker 1: to ask for help, but you're also the first person
33:08
Speaker 1: to jump at the opportunity to help your friend as well.
33:12
Speaker 1: And when your friend asks for help, you're not like, haha,
33:14
Speaker 1: wick bitch, You're thinking, yeah, of course I'll help you.
33:17
Speaker 1: Why not. Of course I'm going to help you. I
33:18
Speaker 1: love you one hundred percent. This could like make you
33:20
Speaker 1: do better with your study or with your career. Whatever.
33:22
Speaker 1: I can give you this contact, I can help you
33:24
Speaker 1: move houses. I'd love to help you, because that's what
33:26
Speaker 1: fucking friendships are about, right, And the same goes the
33:30
Speaker 1: other way around. Ask for help, get people to rally
33:34
Speaker 1: behind you, ask for connections, ask for contacts, ask for
33:37
Speaker 1: someone to drop something off for you. Because you're at
33:40
Speaker 1: your capacity, ask for things you know, and like I said,
33:42
Speaker 1: you do have that high emotional intelligence as well. You're
33:45
Speaker 1: not going to be asking something from someone who's already
33:47
Speaker 1: at their wits end, who has no capacity, who's having
33:49
Speaker 1: a really hard time, right, Like, you're not going to
33:51
Speaker 1: be milking someone for what they're worth. But being able
33:55
Speaker 1: to ask for things shows that you are comfortable being
33:58
Speaker 1: vulnerable and saying, you know what I do, you need
34:00
Speaker 1: help in this, and I'm not weak for asking for
34:02
Speaker 1: that help. You then open it up for other people
34:06
Speaker 1: to feel the same way about you. If you can
34:08
Speaker 1: ask someone to do something for you, they feel needed,
34:12
Speaker 1: and they're more likely to kind of resonate with you
34:14
Speaker 1: and like you more and vice versa. And then you
34:18
Speaker 1: can create closeness with someone by asking each other mutually
34:21
Speaker 1: to do things for each other, by picking up the slack,
34:23
Speaker 1: by you know, whatever that may be. So that is
34:29
Speaker 1: my list of basically the top beliefs, actions, whatever criteria
34:36
Speaker 1: of people with high self esteem. So go through that
34:38
Speaker 1: list again and ask yourself, where is it that I
34:42
Speaker 1: really do well and where is it that I fall short?
34:45
Speaker 1: Because self esteem, like most things in our mind, in
34:49
Speaker 1: our brain, in our psychology, most things are on a spectrum.
34:52
Speaker 1: I think that you can have certain aspects of where
34:55
Speaker 1: your self esteem is really well and certain where it's
34:57
Speaker 1: lacking that you can build and it's not you with
34:59
Speaker 1: habit or you do don't most things. It's not all
35:02
Speaker 1: or nothing black or white. Okay, there's a big gray
35:04
Speaker 1: area you. As you work on your self esteem, you're
35:07
Speaker 1: going to find that you're going to start doing well
35:08
Speaker 1: in certain areas and feel really good, and then other
35:10
Speaker 1: areas where you're still quite self critical and you know,
35:13
Speaker 1: don't feel very confident or feel really low or bad
35:16
Speaker 1: in and that is okay, okay, so you can you
35:18
Speaker 1: can be growing. It's a spectrum. You sit somewhere on
35:22
Speaker 1: that spectrum, and that's perfectly fine, okay. So I want
35:24
Speaker 1: you to look at those things and say, okay, great,
35:26
Speaker 1: I actually have you know, points three, four, and five
35:28
Speaker 1: down pat. The other ones need a little bit of
35:31
Speaker 1: work on, And now that I know what I'm looking for,
35:33
Speaker 1: I'm able to target it and do something about it.
35:36
Speaker 1: So basically, what I would recommend you do is go
35:38
Speaker 1: through this episode again if you haven't noted down these
35:40
Speaker 1: points and jot down those key ones, and especially jot
35:45
Speaker 1: down the ones that you know you need to work on,
35:47
Speaker 1: and then give yourself one or two things or more
35:50
Speaker 1: I meant ten if you can of things that you
35:52
Speaker 1: could action in the near future that could help you
35:56
Speaker 1: work on those points, Like if it's the help one,
35:59
Speaker 1: where could I ask for help. What's something that I
36:00
Speaker 1: could do that asks for help? That's little, but and
36:03
Speaker 1: you know it's kind of I ease into asking for help.
36:05
Speaker 1: If it's emotional intelligence, how could I learn to read
36:08
Speaker 1: people a little bit better in a situation? Maybe I
36:11
Speaker 1: could pay attention to you know, are they asking me questions?
36:16
Speaker 1: Are they following up? Are they ever inviting me to
36:18
Speaker 1: do things? Are they things like that? You know, are
36:22
Speaker 1: they really you know, disengaged when I'm trying to talk
36:25
Speaker 1: to them and maybe they maybe something's wrong and I've
36:27
Speaker 1: got to ask them if they're okay, and maybe they
36:28
Speaker 1: just don't want to be around me, you know, things
36:30
Speaker 1: like that. What else? Did I have negative experiences? When
36:34
Speaker 1: a negative experience happens, how do you interpret that? Maybe
36:37
Speaker 1: we can look at it as how am I going
36:39
Speaker 1: to learn from it? Go through it, have the cry
36:41
Speaker 1: whatever versus feeling like the victim. Go listen to my
36:43
Speaker 1: victim episode by the way. So there's all these things
36:46
Speaker 1: that you to drop down those key points and say, Okay,
36:48
Speaker 1: where is it that I can work on these, and
36:50
Speaker 1: let's come up with one, two or more things that
36:52
Speaker 1: when that thing crops up again, this is what I'm
36:55
Speaker 1: going to try because it's a bit of trial and error.
36:57
Speaker 1: Theres some things that are going to work for some
36:58
Speaker 1: people and other things that work for others, and that's
37:00
Speaker 1: perfectly fine. But that is my little kind of homework
37:04
Speaker 1: for you today. I didn't have a brain factor this episode.
37:06
Speaker 1: I will go back into my brain facts in the
37:09
Speaker 1: coming episodes because love them so much. But that is
37:13
Speaker 1: all for today's episode. Guys, thank you so much for
37:15
Speaker 1: tuning in. Please rate and review this episode, share the episode.
37:22
Speaker 1: You guys are the ones that help the podcast grow
37:24
Speaker 1: and reach the masses, and I appreciate that and that's
37:26
Speaker 1: why we've got people literally around the world listening to this.
37:28
Speaker 1: So I love you guys so much. The real MVPs.
37:31
Speaker 1: Also buy tickets to my live show in Sydney. It's
37:34
Speaker 1: gonna be iconic. I can't wait to meet you guys.
37:35
Speaker 1: Will have a little drink after the show. Yeah yeah
37:40
Speaker 1: in fab cut Wait guys. As always, remember oh shout
37:43
Speaker 1: out to my global beans or loud to my beans
37:46
Speaker 1: in Spain for those of you listening. Love you so much.
37:50
Speaker 1: That's all I'm gonna I'm gonna stop rambling, so as
37:52
Speaker 1: always remember becan't to yourself. We can't to your brain.
37:55
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
37:57
Speaker 1: from yourself. Duncan