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The Coaching Scale: When to Ask, When to Tell · Learnings and Missteps by Depth Builder

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I want to talk to you about a common misstep that myself and many, many other people have when they have begun developing the skill or the practice of humble inquiry or, more clearly, asking open-ended questions.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: Like in all things, we learn a new habit and we kind of just swing.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: The pendulum swings all the way to the other side and it's the only thing we do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: The reason I recommend that you start spending more time asking open-ended questions is so that you can build connection with the human beings in front of you, so that you can better serve the people in your space, instead of giving them answers and solution, shanking them to death.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: It really is a way to demonstrate interest in the human being and build relationships and have a better understanding of what they're thinking is and the things that they care about.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Now, if you're like a manager and you have direct reports and you never ask open-ended questions, what you're usually doing is telling people what to do.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Sure, that's part of the job, but that's not all of the job.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: If you want to elevate and grow your career, you need to develop people.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: And so how do you develop people?
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Well, number one you help them or support them in engaging their critical thinking, help them stay tied and connected to their own agency.
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Giving answers all the time is not the way to do that.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: Asking questions is the way to do that.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: And, more accurately, not leading questions, not closed-ended questions, but open-ended questions.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: What have you tried?
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: How do you think that will work?
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Who else has worked on this?
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: So that gives the individual in front of you a pause to say, oh well, I haven't tried anything.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, how many times have you done this?
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: About five times.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: Okay, what'd you do the last time?
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: See where I'm at.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: It's like you ask questions to help them realize that you've got the skill set, you've got the capability to overcome the thing.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: Now, it is a hard skill to build, so it takes practice.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: It takes intentional focus to ask open-ended questions, and what usually happens is we go all the way on the other side and only ever ask open-ended questions.
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: Now, if you're a manager or a boss, you're going to ruffle some feathers by doing that, and so here's the deal.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Yes, open-ended questions are absolutely valuable, they're critical and they're probably the tool that you don't have in your toolbox.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: But let's fast forward a little bit.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: Let's say you've been practicing and building that skill of asking open-ended questions, and now that's all you do.
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: People are getting frustrated with you.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: People know that if they come to you they're going to get some wishy-washy question.
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: That isn't going to help at all, and that's also like not cool, because now you start losing credibility, and that ain't no good, especially when you're leading people, leading teams or leading a business.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: So then it's like well, but I thought you said to ask open ended questions.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I guess Building the habit of asking open ended questions is powerful, but that doesn't mean to only ask open ended questions.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So the question then is when is the right time?
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: And so what I want to present to you is the coaching scale.
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: So think of it as a sliding scale.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: On one end, like coaching, is asking open-ended questions, that humble inquiry thing.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: On the other end is telling them what to do, or doing it and demonstrating so they know how to do it.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Now that does like the doing and the demonstrating doesn't build a whole lot of critical thinking, but if they've never done it before, they need somebody to demonstrate how the hell to do the thing.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: And if they've done it before, then the open-ended questions are can help them recognize that they do have the resources to overcome the task at hand.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So then, how do we figure out or how do we gauge right?
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: One of the important questions is have you?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: When they bring you a problem or bring you a situation, the first question you can ask is have you dealt with this before?
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: How many times have you dealt with this sort of thing?
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: Their response is going to signal to you whether they have high capability, moderate capability or low capability, no competence.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: They've never done it before.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: If they have never done it before, it is your job as the leader, as the authority, to demonstrate how to do the thing.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: Tell them how to do the thing.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Asking them open-ended questions is only going to irritate them and they will stop bringing problems to you, and that's not okay.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: You're the leader, right?
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: You're supposed to help solve problems.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: That's your primary job, and so I want you to imagine a kid trying to teach a kid how to tie their shoes right.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: If you've ever done that before, maybe you just buy Velcro.
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: That is an option.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: But if a child needs to tie their shoes and they've never done it before, it doesn't matter how many open-ended questions you ask them.
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: They will not be able to tie their shoes because they do not have the skill set.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: They don't have that capability.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: So what do you do?
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: You start off by tying their shoes for them, ask them to pay attention, to look at what you're doing, and you do that a bunch of times.
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: And then you start doing it together.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: You say, hold this and do this, and you kind of walk them through it.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: So now you're doing it hand in hand because they're building their capability.
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: They're still not ready to be asked open-ended questions.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: And then, once they got it, you let them do it, but under your direct supervision.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: You know, coach them through the little knick-knacky things or things that they might forget Super awesome way to do it.
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: And then finally, once you know they've demonstrated they know how to tie their shoes.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: The next time they say I don't know how to tie my shoes, like, well, what did you do last time?
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: Well, I did Okay, and you can ask them open-ended questions to get them over the finish line.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: And so the point is you need to be prepared to slide all the way across the coaching scale in terms of humble inquiry, open-ended questions on one end.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: The venue for that type of coaching is when people have high competency.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: They've done the thing before, they have experience on the thing.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: You just need to help them.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Remember that by asking them those open-ended questions If they've never done the damn thing, before you tell them what the hell to do.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: There's a bunch of steps in the middle.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: The one thing that I'll add in the middle, just in case, like this, is all new to you from telling people how to do it or doing it for them to just asking open-ended questions right in the middle is providing some options.
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: Well, here's a few things to consider, and the reason I say here's a few things for you to consider is because I'm not telling them what to do.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Ultimately, they're going to make the decision, and that's ultra, ultra important, because when they make the decision, they maintain the ownership of the thing, and so they bring me a thing.
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: I say Ooh.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: And I say how many times have you dealt with this before?
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I've never dealt.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Well, I did once.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: How'd it turn out?
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: It didn't turn out too good, oh okay, how can I help you?
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Well, I did once.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: How did it turn out?
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: It didn't turn out too good, oh okay, how can I help you?
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm looking for some guidance.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It's like okay, well, you've only done it one time.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: It didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: What do you think about these three options?
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Right, and option A, option B, option C, these three approaches, and then they start kicking it around.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: It's like, okay, which one do you feel most confident with?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: We'll just say option C Awesome.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: What do you need from me to help you execute that thing?
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: They answer you, you do what they ask, except for doing it for them, right, because you want to build the capability and send them on their way.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: So that's three points.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: There's a bunch in the middle like scattered all around, but the important takeaway I want you to know is, when you're building the habit of asking open-ended questions and demonstrating humble inquiry, be careful not to stay stuck there.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: Also, know that as the leader or just a decent human being, sometimes you just got to get your hands dirty and go in there and do the damn thing with them or for them.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: If this landed with you, leave me a comment in the chat and, when you get a chance, check out the replay of the live stream I had on time management.
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: Be kind to yourself, be cool and we'll talk at you next time.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Peace.