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Transcript

I love this place · An ASMR Practice

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: All right. Here we are. It's our last day at
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: the farm. Last day at the farm, and my final
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: task is to paint something. So I'm pretty content to
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: do this. I finally memorized, like, I finally memorized... Because
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: in yoga, they say, like, the left and right side
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: of your body. Like, one's feminine, one's masculine. And... And
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: I keep... I've, like, looked it up so many times
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: lately because I just, for some reason, I, like, could
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: not commit it to my memory at all. And I
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: finally memorized it. I was at a traffic light and
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I asked my phone. I got, because it was red,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: the light was red. I was like, okay, I have
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: a second. And somehow it came up in my brain.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I was like, okay, I have a second. Looked it up.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: And then it was like, I kind of had like
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: a visual of the cars in front of me. Like
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: one to the left and one to the right. And
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: the visual, I feel like now I have it memorized.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: Because it was, like, two trucks in front of me.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: And one of them had, like, a whole bunch of, like,
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: metal shelves on the right side. I was like, okay,
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: that's definitely masculine because this is just simply too many shelves. Like,
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: how much stuff do you need in your truck, guy? But,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: you know, they're probably, like, doing, like, boy stuff. They're
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: probably doing boy stuff. And they probably have a lot
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: of tools or something in there. So now I have
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: it memorized. Right side is masculine. It involves a lot
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: of tools. And so it's interesting. I got pretty much
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: eaten alive this morning. See, I don't know what I
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: was thinking. You know, the guy here, the husband of
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: the owner, like, offered some of his, you know, mosquito
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: repellent that he made himself. And I put it on
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: my legs, but for some reason, I didn't put it
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: on my freaking feet. I didn't put it on my
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: freaking feet. And so now my right foot is just
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: absolutely covered in welts. Like, it's like, they were like, okay,
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: we can't have the legs because the leg has the
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: juice on it. It's scaring us. And so they all
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: just ate my right foot. And my right foot is, like,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: just burning. It's absolutely burning. But, and, you know, I got, like, two.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: I got, like, two on my left foot. So I'm
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: just thinking about it. I'm like, okay, so they're attacking
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: my masculine side. Symbolic. Everything is symbolic for me. Who
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: did I say that to? Oh. My friend. But yeah.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: I love this place so much. I do. I like
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: sort of kind of not really got invited back to
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: New Orleans. This This person I met, I met him
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: and his brother, and we were just, like, being friendly,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: you know, hanging out. And he was, like... He reached out. Which,
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: I thought, I sent him a bunch of fucking crazy
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: text messages, like, right after he hung up. Like, I
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: sent him, like, a wall, like, a wall of text
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: messages that were, like, probably objectively kind of insane. And
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: he never responded to it, but then all of a sudden, he, like,
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: hits me up, he's like, well, I think he just said, like,
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: how are you going, or how are you doing, or whatever,
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: and then, um, like I said, now I gotta let
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: this dry. Ow, I was sitting on a milk crate
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: and it hurted. I wonder if she has an extra
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: milk crate she would give me. I've been needing one.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: I've been really, really needing one. I feel like this is, like,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: the kind of thing you just, like, kind of... If
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: you see a big pile of them in a store,
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: you ask. Which, the thing is, is I worked at
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: a store that had... They had, like, hundreds of milk crates.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: And they were freaking Nazis. They were, like... I just remember, like,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: the owners, like, really fucking screaming and laying into someone
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: because they, like, asked. They asked if they could have
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: a milk crate. They were like, oh, you got a
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: lot of these. Can I have one? They were like, no! So, like,
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: now I'm, like, a little scared to even ask. But
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: I think I should probably just ask if I see
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: a place that has a lot. But then they also
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: have like the threatening labels on them. It'll be like,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: it's like, this is the property of the milk company.
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: Violators will be prosecuted. It's like, it's a milk crate.
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: What are we doing? But yeah, I really want to
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: attach one to my bike so I can have a
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: little basket. I don't remember what I was saying. Oh,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: this guy hit me up. This, like, guy I was
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: friendly with in New Orleans. I just, like, met him
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: at the bar. He, like, bought my dinner. He's like,
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: when are you coming to New Orleans? You know, I
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: had thought about going to see my friend. I had
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: hit up, like, my other friend. So one of my
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: friends is at a music festival. One of them is
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: not responding. And then this one hit me up. I
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: kind of assumed that I scared him away with my
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: wall of text that he didn't ever respond to. But
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: he hit me up. But it's just silly, because he's like...
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Because I was like, yeah, it's kind of out of
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: the way. Like, you know, if I had a place
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: to say and someone to see, then, like... I would
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: do it, but it's just, like, out of the way. Otherwise...
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: And he was like, that makes sense. I have my kids,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: so I... Let me read it again. I might have misunderstood. Yeah.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: It's sort of like, I have my kids, so I can't.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: It's funny. I had, like, a dream. Because all of
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: a sudden, he pops up on my Facebook recommended. You know?
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: And so... And don't get me wrong, he showed me
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: pictures of his kids when we were hanging out. But,
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: you know, I was just, like, kind of looking at
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: the pictures. I was like, oh. And then I, like,
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: had a dream that I was, like, with his kids.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: They're really, really cute. He has three daughters. It's, like,
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: kind of the dream situation, I think. I mean, three
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: is kind of too many, I think. But... Yeah, and
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: then I had another dream. Which is funny, I, like,
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: prayed a couple nights ago. I was like, I'm ready.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Because there were... There was a long time in my
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: life where my dreams were extremely bad. And I was...
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: I mean, that's all you really need to know. There
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: was a long time in my life when my dreams
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: were extremely bad and disturbing. And, you know, the lady
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: here was telling me, because she has very vivid dreams,
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: and she was saying that, you know, and I think
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: she has, a lot of people I hear from, it
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: sounds like they have very, like, cartoonish kind of, like,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: silly dreams. And I feel like this is not what
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: I have. Mine are very, very lifelike. It's very... And
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: it's probably because I don't really watch cartoons, honestly. Like,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: I don't... I don't really engage with, like, animated content
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: all that much. I mean, like, sometimes, but... I don't
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: really like it, and it kind of bothers me. Like,
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I definitely prefer, like, live-action stuff. Um... I don't know
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: why about it makes me like nauseous I think but
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: anyways I don't know she was describing some stuff in
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: her dreams and yeah, it just sounded like a kind
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: of morphing kind of cartoonish kind of situation, but mine
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: was very lifelike. And it just, I mean, it was,
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I was lucid. I was fully lucid. Like, and I
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: could feel it. It was as if I was there.
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: And so I had prayed months ago. I was like,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I just never want to dream again. I was like, please, like,
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I'll do anything. I'll do anything. Just please, like, you know.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: And honestly, this has been a huge contributing factor into
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: why I don't get sober, I think. Or one of
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: the reasons why when I do get sober, I go
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: back to not being sober. is because my dreams are
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: extremely lifelike and vivid and lucid and kind of overwhelming.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And so, I mean, I had a beer last night
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: at the bar. And I think I don't really feel
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: like I have a problem with alcohol right now. I
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: definitely have at times in my life. Um, but yeah,
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: I did stop. I did stop all THC, which I
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: wasn't really doing much THC anyways. Like I smoke a
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: very little amount. It doesn't take much, you know, when
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I was in college, I was like ripping the bong
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: like a dozen times a day, you know? So it's
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: like easy for me to be like, okay, well, it's
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: not that bad. And you know, I had this friend,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: I always think about this and I wonder if this
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: was like maybe bad advice, but I had this friend
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: who I told him I was an addict and I
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I'm definitely an addict. Because he was, like,
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: a recovered addict from, like, heroin, right? And, like... He
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: was like, what do you mean? He's like, what do
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: you do? I was like, okay, well, I do, like, psychedelics, alcohol,
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: and weed. And he was like, this... He's like, you're
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: not an addict. These are not addict things. He was like,
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: talk to me when you've done heroin. And I was like, okay, okay.
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: So I just kind of always think about that. And...
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: you know, I think I was kind of hurt a little,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: or I don't know, I was relieved and hurt simultaneously,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I was, like, relieved that, I was like, oh, great,
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: I can just keep doing this stuff, and it doesn't
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: freaking matter, because this freaking guy said I'm not an addict,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: and I was hurt, because I was like, but I'm
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: kind of struggling, and I kind of wish I was
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: doing this, and, like, I think, you know, I thought
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: I was being pretty brave to be like, I'm an addict,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: you know, and he was just kind of like, You're
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: not an addict. And I can see how I'm probably like.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: A love or like sex addict. Perhaps like. I don't know.
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say that. And I don't want
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: to believe it. To be honest. But it could be true. Like.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I definitely think I have an abnormal approach. Like I'm
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: really not the kind of person to be like. Oh
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I just went through a breakup. And now I want
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: to take time. To like rediscover myself. Like I'm usually like.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: Oh I just went through a breakup. And like. Who's next?
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Who's next? Bring him to me. Bring him to me.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: And ultimately. I think it's kind of just. But you know.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I'm coming. I sort of have naturally. Come down. I prayed.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: I prayed a lot for it. I prayed a lot.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: Of like just. Lead me. Lead me wherever I'm supposed
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: to go. And so, I definitely feel changed in some
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: kind of way. Like... Okay, so, this is potentially TMI.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: This is potentially TMI, but I'm gonna get it off
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: my chest. So, this girl... Who... I just don't like her.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: I think she just kind of, like, really makes me, like,
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: physically ill to even, like, remember. Um... You know, and
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: she had, like, an extreme potty mouth, and she was
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: always just telling me shit that I didn't... Like, she
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: gave me a lot of images of, like, basically, like,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: every sexual encounter she ever had, and also, like, every...
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: Not every, but, like, most... She talked to me a
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: lot about, like, her experiences masturbating... And also like all
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: the weird freaky shit she did sexually. And... Particularly the
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: masturbation stories have really stuck with me. In like a
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: pretty negative way. Because it's like... I used to pleasure
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: myself in that way. In this kind of particular way.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: And then, you know, I got older. I got some money.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I sort of upgraded my toolbox. And, you know, it
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: was sort of like... So I kind of came to, like,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: associate that technique with her. Because, I don't know, she
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: was telling me about it, and she was kind of
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: keeping me updated on, you know, different, I don't know.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: She was telling me way too much, frankly. And giving
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: me way too many images. And.
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: So I associated it with her. And so in the fallout,
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: I was, like, afraid to, like... I don't know if
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: I was afraid. I just, like, didn't want.
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I was having some kind of difficulty. With, like,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: the alternative technique because I associated it with her. And...
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Which realistically, I think it's sort of like actually the
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: OG technique, if I'm just honest. And like the other
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: thing I was doing was probably like alternative. And I
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: don't know, that was pretty silly. And it's also what happened.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: And so... Yeah, I was having some kind of block.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: Like a major chakra block. Sort of because of my
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: not wanting to be anything like this person.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: And you know, she's like 100% sober. doesn't want to
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: be friends with anybody who's not like just the epitome
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: of like weaponizing like therapy speak straight up in my
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: opinion it's just too militant it's just simply too militant
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: for me And so I don't know how that came up,
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: but you know, I made my, I found my way
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: back to the OG technique. Cause it was just like,
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: basically like, like the images she gave me in all
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: of her, like telling me way too much. Um, it's like,
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: if I ever tried the OG technique, it's like the
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: images she gave me was coming to mind. And it's like,
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: it was really just killing the mood in a pretty
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: big way. So yeah. I think that's all I have
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: on that. It's funny because there's so many other things
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: that I get from her. Like, yesterday I made, part
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: of my meal was, like, that I made for everybody
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: at the farm was kind of inspired by a meal,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I don't know if she had made it for me
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: or she had, like, taught me about it, I think.
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: I think she had made it near me, like, when
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: she was staying at my house, she had made it,
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: and she kind of, like, explained it to me while
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: she was making it so it's like there's other aspects
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: in which her influence is still with me you know
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: that doesn't bother me but I just think that one
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: particular one was like really kind of just haunting me
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: like I just I wish I didn't know all that
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: I really do. But I feel like something has changed. Like,
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty used to getting my way. And just because
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I have doesn't mean that, like, I am always going
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: to I think that's what I'm realizing is, like, I
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm, like, kind of becoming, like, a normal
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: sort of-ish person of, like, because I think most people
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: don't usually get their way is kind of my understanding. Like,
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: most people, like, struggle a lot or something to get
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: what they want. And this is kind of, like, new
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: to me. This is kind of new to me. You're
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: like struggling to get what you want. But yeah, that's
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: what it is. That's what it is now. I'm an adult.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: I'm an adult or something and I'm like struggling to
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: get what I want. My girlish glow has faded, it
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: would seem. It's hell on earth. To be heavenly. I
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: don't know. I'm kind of bummed out. I was like...
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I mean, I guess it makes sense, like... Well, just
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: because I, like, had the dream or, like, vision of, like,
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: meeting the daughters. I was like, oh, that would be so, like, wholesome.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: But it's probably also just a sign that, like... Because
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: I was thinking there's a job... which I plan to
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: apply to when I get back to town. They were, like,
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: applying in person. So there's a job I plan to
• 22:18
  Speaker 1: apply to at, like, some kind of daycare kind of situation. Um,
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: which then I was looking at, like, the employer reviews,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: and it was like, this does not pay good. The director,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: you know, saw it, and, like, those are not good enough.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: I don't know it's just an option I've just been
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: like collecting job postings of I've just been collecting job
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: postings so that I can go and apply in person.
• 23:00
  Speaker 3: At places because honestly I think basically every time I've
• 23:05
  Speaker 3: ever done this like when I applied in person I
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: got the job like no questions asked.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Or maybe like some questions asked but usually they just
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: like kind of explain they're like this is what we're
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: looking for they're like are you down and i'm like
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: yeah and then it's like they're like okay come in
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: tomorrow and you know this is what my friend said
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: this was the advice my friend gave me weeks ago
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: she was like yeah you just gotta like print your
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: resume and go walk around and like go into places
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: that you like the vibe of basically So, yeah. I'm
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: trying to remember in my job search that... Because, yeah, like,
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: this was my mentality with my last partner. I was like,
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: it's not about if he likes me, it's about if
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: I like him. And I think it's the same with jobs. Like,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: it's less about... Or, maybe not less, but, yeah, I'm
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: not really going to concern myself with, like, am I
• 24:08
  Speaker 1: a good candidate for them? But, like, are they good...
• 24:11
  Speaker 1: Are they a good home for me? Are these good
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: people to report to? I did some cold calls yesterday.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. It was kind of exhilarating. Just a
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: little bit. There were some postings that were like, call
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: this number or send your resume here. I was like, yeah,
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: I'm going to call the number. Just feeling a little
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: like ready to talk to someone. And Yeah, both of
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: the jobs were, like, calls, or they were, like, positions
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: that require talking on the phone. So I was like, oh,
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: it probably looks good if I, like, prove just right away, like, yeah,
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: I know how to use the phone. I used to be.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: I straight up used to be. because of the whole
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: situation when I called everybody and nobody freaking picked up,
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: and I really, really needed someone really bad. And then
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: after that, I was like, then I developed my whole
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: philosophical case about I don't actually have needs at all.
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I don't even have needs. Needs aren't even real. Because, yeah,
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: I think I basically kind of really needed someone in
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: that moment, and nobody answered. You know, and did I
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: need them or could I use them? Could I use
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: some help? That's sort of the way I put it now.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: It's like, it's not that I need help, but I
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: could use some help. But you know, this is sort
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: of like the demise of like the cool girl. See,
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't have I've done it like this. I kind
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: of messed this up. Right? Because the cool girl is
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: all like, I don't need anything. I'm just, I'm really cool.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: You can't hurt me. I'm really, really cool. There's a
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: lot of theory on this. I sort of just ignore it.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, y'all are just mad because you're not cool.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: Just straight up. And that's probably fucked up that I
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: think that. But yeah, I think It's confusing. Because in
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: many ways, I do just feel, like, pretty adaptable and
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: flexible and open-minded. But ultimately, I don't think anybody has
• 27:33
  Speaker 1: ever matched my, like, game in this way. Like, I
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: don't think anybody has ever been, like, at least, like,
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: with dating partners. Like, I don't think anybody has ever
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: matched that. Like, being flexible and open and, like, kind
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: of chill. And so then there's, like, an imbalance. You know?
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: Because I'm being given all sorts of rules. And I'm
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: not really giving any rules. Because I just don't really
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: feel the need. And so eventually it's like I get
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: pretty resentful and bitter. Because I'm like, why am I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: being oppressed? I'm not oppressing you, why are you oppressing me?
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: What the heck is this? And I think maybe I'm
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: coming around to be like, maybe it's not like oppression.
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know. It just sucks. It's like, I feel
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: like I, I have to change. It's always me that
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: has to change. It's always me that has to like
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: bend to someone's will. And so part of me is like,
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: maybe I can just be single forever. Maybe I can.
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: Maybe it would be literally better. But then I just,
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Because I know women like this. And, like,
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: have any kind of ill will towards them but they
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: just seem like they're like workaholics like they just seem
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: like they're just doing so much and you know the
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: easy interpretation would be like well something's missing yeah they're
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: supposed to like have a partner or something And I
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: would never, like, I would never want to, like, shame
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: someone because they don't have a partner. I think that's
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: definitely not my intention. But yeah, I guess I just
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: probably need to, like, be the version of single that
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: I would want to be. I'm like this is my
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: final thought I'm like super proud of my yoga practice
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: like the past couple like yoga classes I've been to
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: you know I just feel completely free you know if
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: something's like if I don't want to do something I
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: just don't This is what pisses me off about people.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: When they're like, I can't keep up in the yoga class.
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: It's like, it's not about keeping up. I think you
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: It's like kind of the whole point. It's a suggestion.
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: Everything is a suggestion. It's like kind of the one
• 32:32
  Speaker 1: environment in life where it's just a suggestion. Maybe every
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: environment in life is like that. You know, I had
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: my ex-friend, you know, she's like sending me... She was.
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: I think she's effectively gone now. God, I just fucking hope. God,
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: I just fucking hope. But... she was saying she's like
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: it's like you take my you take everything i say
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: as like a command and it's like yeah because you
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: were straight up like dude we learned this in english
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: class and she didn't because she's fucking homeschooled like this
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: bitch doesn't know shit about like english bro there's like
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: three kinds of statements maybe four there's like interrogative, declarative,
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: and the third one, which is like a command. I
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: don't remember what it's called, unfortunately. I'm finger painting now. Um, and,
• 34:16
  Speaker 1: it's like, you're, you're, you are giving me a command.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: You're not making statements. A statement would be like, and
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: this is the thing, this is the fundamental thing, is like,
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: what she should have, not should have, but, she could
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: have said, like, I prefer or I will only tolerate
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: to be around a person who communicates like this that
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: that is a declaration that is not a command that's
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: a declaration but instead what she said is like you
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: gotta like she was telling me to communicate in a
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: certain way and so I did and then that was
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: the end of everything Because it's like, yeah, now I'm
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: no longer being myself. Like, myself is not welcome here. Or, like,
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: I could have kept doing what I wanted to do,
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: but it's like she asked me a million times to
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: be different. And so finally I was like, whatever, I'll
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: be the shitty thing that you want me to be.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: And then I just fucking hated myself. And then she
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: also didn't like it. It's like, oh, maybe don't ask
• 35:30
  Speaker 1: people to change if you, you know, like the way
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: they are. I don't think she liked the way I am.
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: I think it's just so funny. She, like, won't admit.
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: She just, like, won't admit that she doesn't like me.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: She won't admit that I make her uncomfortable and that
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: she doesn't like me. I'll admit it. I'll admit it.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: I don't like her. I think she's made me extremely uncomfortable.
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: And the thing is, is I know I made her uncomfortable.
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: I think it took her eight years to realize that
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: I made her uncomfortable the entire time. Because eventually she
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: was like, oh, yeah, it did make me uncomfortable and whatever. Whatever.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: And it basically took me telling her that, like, the
• 36:07
  Speaker 1: way she communicates makes me uncomfortable. But, and I was like,
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: this has always made me uncomfortable. I'm just, like, a
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: little more resilient than you at, like, bearing discomfort, it
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: would seem. And she was like, and then she, like,
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: thought about it for a day. And she's like, you know,
• 36:26
  Speaker 1: now that I think about it, now that I, like,
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: consider that, like, feelings exist and, like, comfort, like, is
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: a thing that you can kind of, like, qualitatively assess
• 36:37
  Speaker 1: within yourself like now i understand that i was also
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable the whole time it's like this like you're stupid
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: like you're actually stupid i don't know what to tell
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: you with peace and love not only are you wrong
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: you're stupid and that's the hill i'm dying on so
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: i don't know this was all over the place but
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: I'm glad. I'm glad she's gone. It's funny, she was
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: like repeating her final kind of email to me was like,
• 37:15
  Speaker 1: it was something I wrote in a poem, which I
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: don't know if she read. I have no idea. I
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: don't care. I wouldn't know. She was like, my willingness
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: to stay when you're treating me this, like, spitefully, like,
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: I've realized it's, like, a form of, like, self-harm. Self-flagellation,
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: that's the word she used. Flagellation is the word I
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: used in my poem. I don't even know what the
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: fuck it was about, to be honest. And I was like,
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I'm just like, duh, bitch, like, I've been being mean
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: to you, hoping you'll leave me the fuck alone. This
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: is my problem. This is my problem. It's like, People
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: won't leave me alone. Dudes won't let me break up
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: with them. Girls are, like, just, like, begging to understand.
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: It's like, leave me alone. Because there's a point when
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: I'm just done. It's like, do you have any self-respect
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: at all? Do you have any self-respect at all? Because
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: I think I'm, like, pretty... I'm usually pretty aware from
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: the beginning of the difficulties of a relationship. And I
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: sort of have always understood that, like, any relationship is, like,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: a little difficult. And maybe the tide is kind of
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: shifting on this, actually. For me. I think the tide
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: might be shifting a little bit. Because now I feel
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: like I'm finding relationships that like really aren't difficult. And
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: it's like, what have I been doing this whole time?
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: What have I been doing this whole time? I thought
• 39:53
  Speaker 1: relationships were literally supposed to be hard. I mean, my
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: family is pretty, like, difficult to bear sometimes. They're funny.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: They're funny. Goofy ha ha. But if you're like an
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: emotional being in my family, it's like pretty hard. Because
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: they just literally want to like medicate you and put
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: you in a psych ward. Because they're like, oh, you're
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: ruining our goofy ha ha. You're ruining our goofy ha
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: ha and we just want to get rid of you.
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: And you're like killing our biblical swag or whatever. They're like, oh,
• 40:29
  Speaker 1: you want to kill yourself? That's actually immoral. That's actually
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: extremely selfish, and you should feel immense shame for even
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: having the thought. Hi. Hi. How's it going? Pretty good.
• 40:52
  Speaker 1: I'm not done, but I'm going to let it dry
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: and then check me. Hi. Hi. I love your purple. Oh,
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: my gosh. She's working on a sign for us before
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: she leaves. Good morning. Good morning. Hi, Mark. Hi, Mark.
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: How are you? Safe. Safe? Okay. Thank you. Yeah. You too. Anyways, bye.