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4. Toxic Relationships and Mental Breakdowns w/ Ian Michael · Damaged Goods with Andrea Abbate

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: She is driving and giving you a hand draw.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_04: It was a stick, too.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: Damaged goods.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Damaged Goods with Andrea Abbott, where we celebrate the dents and the cracks and the bad decisions we've made that made us who we are.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's a mouthful.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so damaged I can barely say it.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: With all of the shit I have on my face, in my face, done to my face, it's amazing that I can form these words.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's crazy.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: It is crazy.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're like Wolverine, but with plastic.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm this far away from a wax museum figure.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: I'll just be like this.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: And then yeah.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Have you heard of microplastics?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: You're macro plastic.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm macro plastic.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And what I wanted to say is I am here laughing and taking these insults from my co-host, Alex DuFont.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Alex.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: I am so grateful to be here, Andrea.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much.
• 0:55
  unknown: Okay, good.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, you guys, I'm so excited.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: What am I?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: Excited.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because today we have Ian Michael, a very good friend of mine, a very funny comic.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And until one second ago, I thought his name was Ian Michaels.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's how close we are.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: But we are close.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't know.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know how to say my last name, Ian?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_04: Abbott.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, C you went.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: But how do you spell it?
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_04: A B B A A O T.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, A T E.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: A T.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_04: You know?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: C.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Look, we can always get closer, is what we're saying.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Always get closer for sure.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: But you're one of the few people I can text to ask to be on, not just DM.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: Like, what do you oh like because I have your number.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_04: You don't, and that's not a that's not an every person thing?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, I still don't have his number.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, I'm kidding.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I I have some numbers, but you're in the number people, as opposed to the DM people.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I just want to let everybody know that Ian is extremely funny.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And before we get into this interview, you can see him at the comedy store.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can see him at a lot of different clubs around town here in Los Angeles.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_04: You can follow him on Instagram at the Ian Michael, but it's the underscore Ian underscore Michael.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because there were so many Ian Michael.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_04: You know, there's one guy who has the handle, the Ian Michael, and he's got like 200 followers.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_04: I'm just like, you should let me have that.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: You should talk to him.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: Buy that name.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, get rid of them.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, anyway, good.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are on damaged goods with Andrea Abbott.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I have to add with Andrea Abbott because I don't own that.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Damaged Goods has been done before, but not good enough.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_04: Not like it's like good enough that you're like, oh, we can do a redo of it.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: They said I could.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_04: If I sound like it sounds like you're doing something called like the Godfather podcast.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about all the dents and the cracks and the bad decisions that we've made in life.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, yeah, for sure.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: Or just yesterday.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Boy, howdy.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I want to ask you a question.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, what was a turning point in your life that got you into comedy?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I do not know that.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: I I was kind of um well, definitely getting sober was like the first like step in that.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_04: And then I started writing jokes in my phone again.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_04: But but um I had this like parasocial relationship with this like artist, and then I met her, and it kind of like didn't really pan out to be anything.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so the next day like don't meet your heroes type of thing.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_04: Don't meet your heroes type thing.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_04: And so the next day I uh I made a bet with my uh my good friend Jack, who's not a comedian, but I said, like, I need to do something with my life.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_04: Uh I've always I want and I did comedy in college, and I was so it was like a 10-year gap of not doing it.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_04: So I made this bet where I said, like, every day I don't go to an open mic, I owe you$50.
• 3:59
  unknown: Wow.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_04: And so that was like to get me over the hump of like bombing and being nervous and tr quitting again, yeah, stopping.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_04: So I did it for all 30 days, and that's that's kind of what you know.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_04: I go to every open mic.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know you do, that's where I see you.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: So you gotta do that to m get your bits good.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I agree.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_04: There's a lot of people that don't want to go.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, but when did you get sober?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: How long ago was that?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_04: Three coming up on four years, September 27th.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so wow, you are coming up on it.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's really when you you you got back into comedy after 10 years.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_04: I did like a few, I there was like a few failed businesses that happened in between there.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_04: Where I was like, I was becoming I was like, I went to school for set design, so I did like a bunch of like stuff on the road, uh, a couple theater stuff, but that made me go broke.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_04: And uh I started doing comedy around the time set design was not working out.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: So when I first met Ian was at a mic, and I remember at all the mics I saw you at like three years ago, he was always uh had paint splatters all over his clothes.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: What we he you'd be in shorts often because it was hot, yeah, and then you'd have like paint all over you.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Were you a set designer?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, sat and scenic carpenter at that time.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: Scenic Carpenter, damn.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_04: I still do it now.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_04: Oh I went back.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_04: I was like working in an office.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, my fly's down.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_04: Get that on table.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, guy.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, do you a close-up of that?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_04: But I I don't know.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_04: That was just kind of that's kind of what made me move to LA.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's like the only thing that can keep me afloat.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_04: So just like doing carpentry and like paint jobs.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: You were considering OnlyFans, I know, for a minute.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, I was.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_04: I was thinking I would do OnlyFans, I would do, I would, I would do with Ryan.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, no, I would I would do just myself.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_04: It would be$10,000 buy-in, and then I would send it to the one guy who replies to all my Instagram stories.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: A$10,000 buy-in.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I can see why your businesses are not going that well.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, that's a lot to buy in.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_04: I know, but like I I think if the guy's thirsty enough, he'd do it.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Well, stay tuned to see if that will happen.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so what did comedy save you from?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_04: I have like a complicated relationship with it because it saved me from a lot of things, but then it causes me a lot of anguish.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do you relate to that?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, a thousand percent.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Anguish?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Well, in what way?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: Can you explain it?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_04: Well, I think like a big part of my comedy is, and others have relayed to me, is that I have like an addicted personality.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_04: Yes.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_04: And so I think I think comedy is more what my addiction is now.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: And 100%.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_04: It's like eating and comedy are like the two things that I will binge on.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_04: See, I thought you were sober sober.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like oh, like an AA?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_04: Uh not like AA, but like, you know, just like you don't drink, you don't smoke, you don't like I don't do any drugs.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_04: Don't do any drugs, but you still drink sometimes.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: I do I dr I've probably had about uh maybe 20 drinks in the year.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_04: See, and that's something that I'm like kind of playing around with with my sobriety.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I have never was an alcoholic.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_04: Well, neither neither was I.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Not like are you an alcoholic, Alex?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: If I drink three days in a row, I can't stop thinking about it.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: I have it in my genes.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll want to drink on the fourth day.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, like I just can't stop, so I just don't, you know what I mean?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, but that's still it's in your genes, but still you're able to stop it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: You're able to, so I don't do it.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, booze is not my addiction.
• 7:53
  unknown: Yeah.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: But do you smoke pot?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like I'm whispering it, but do you smoke pot?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: No, because like my landlord is here.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_04: The thing I think of is is I I don't think drinking is that bad.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: But like the thing is, is I just know with my personality that I go, oh, but I'll let something always get in the way.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I'll I'll always like because once I start something, I can't stop it.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_04: It's like if I'm drinking like juice, like apple juice, I'll drink the whole carton.
• 8:23
  unknown: You know what I mean?
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_04: So, and that's like kind of what's going on, like, oh, this was beer what I drink like if I bought a six pack, I'm doing the six pack.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_04: And like I'm not even like a heavy drinker.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Even when before I like went to like the intensive outpatient, I intensive outpatient to quit alcohol when you're not a heavy drinker.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_04: It was more it was more like I went through For social reasons, for suicidal ideations.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, and so um that came with the alcohol.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_04: No, they told me I had like a drinking and drug problem while I was there.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_04: Like, so I thought I was gonna be there's like two groups.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_04: There's um there's like regular depressive people who don't like aren't considered addicts, and then there was like the dual diagnosis, which means you have like co-occurring disorders, co-occurring, which also mostly meant that um you had like bipolar and then were addicted to math.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_04: So I was just thrown in these groups with these people when like the main things I did were like weed and Adderall.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_04: Like, and I will say, like, you know, But I mean, and drinking, nothing.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: That's a lot of stuff.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_04: Weed and Adderall and drinking, just like drinking socially, but like it was never like to excess.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I could have like two beers and be like, oh, I'm good.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_04: But like weed, that was the main one.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_04: Like, yeah, weed is I would like wake up and like it was all I could do, like like non-stop throughout the whole day, even on the carpentry gigs, like just like almost sawing my leg in half because I'm too high.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_04: So like that does sound like a problem.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: And I did a bunch of psychedelics.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, but now you do none of that.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_04: I do none of that, and I'm I'm very proud of you, Ian.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: I know, I but there's like a part of me that I was like at like the Huntington Library the other day in the garden.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_04: I go, it would be cool to do acid here.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_04: But you know, like that there's always just the the want of like a relapser to do it, but like my life is so good without it that I I just have to kind of accept that.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I would uh I'm I'm applauding you for not doing it, but you always want to do what you can't do.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was thinking, you know, when I quit smoking, I don't want to tell this story, but when I quit smoking 40 years ago, quit, quit.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I always said, Well, when I'm 60, I'll start smoking.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I gave myself that permission.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've keep it in, and now here I am bumming cigarettes, and I always go, well, if I want to buy a pack, I'll just buy a pack, but I haven't bought a pack.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, you know, we're all struggling with shit.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I always have terror dreams.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have terror dreams that you've relapsed?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, I do.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: Like, like I'll I'll be like just smoking pot, and then I'll be like, oh, especially like toward at the beginning when I was counting my days more.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_04: When I would like count, like I'm like, I'm two years, six months sober, like the something about ruining my record, like ruining like the oh no, all those days I didn't.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I wasted him.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and then always, but in my dreams, I'm always cheating on my husband, and I have not yet cheated on you, honey.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Not at all, but in my dreams, I'm cheating on him.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And in my dreams, while I'm cheating, I remember that I've cheated a thousand times before.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm like, well, this is what I do, and I'm like, oh my god, like I'm on airplanes, fucking people.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I am non-stop with everybody, and I'm just like, Well, this is what I do, and then I'm really guilty and going, Oh my god, you've got he's gonna know.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to tell him.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then I wake up and none of it was true.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: The question is, who are you cheating on him with?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: So many people, Alex.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: So many people.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot say, no, I can't I can't say famous celebrities.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_04: No, no, it's nobody ever worth it.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_04: The dream well, you know, hey, cheating would be fun.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's just that I'm just saying, it would be fun, but I haven't, and it's not even part of my life.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: But in my dreams, it's awful.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: But the worst thing is, and I don't know, have you ever had a smoking dream where you I've woken up before this was in college when I quit smoking for whatever five months, waking up, sucking on a non-existent cigar, just going, have you ever done that?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, you're smoking or drinking or taking drugs in your sleep, and you wake up doing it, and you're going like that.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, no, I've never that's nuts.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: It is nuts, or blowing a guy who's waking up, going, What am I doing?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh yeah, that's great.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_04: That's sick.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_04: Air blowing a guy?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Air blowing.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've never heard of that.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Air blowing.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I want to ask you a question, and Alex, please jump in.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, can I can I add in something?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, please.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: Ian, if you don't mind me asking, no worries if it's kind of off subject or a little too personal, but you ended up in this hospital with suicidal ideation and drugs.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Like, how did that happen?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: Is there like a rock bottom?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, 100%.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_04: What happened there?
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_02: Um that's that's heavy.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: That's heavy stuff, bro.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: Um, yeah, I we want to get into it.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_04: I was uh seeing this gal uh who I just I just knew a girl was at the bottom of this.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: I knew a girl was at the bottom of this.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_04: Andrew has actually heard me tell this story at a mic before.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_04: Um I was just head over heels for this gal I met online, and she was just an absolute gypsy.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: This isn't yes, just let's normalize calling women gypsies.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_04: It's so funny.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_04: Just an absolute, just an absolute like uh she was travel all the time, and if she didn't, she always needed a place to stay.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_04: So she stayed.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_04: Like we we met in like January and we were like super heavy, and then she goes, I can't do this, and then went to Mexico for three months.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_04: And then while I called her every day, like being like, I love you, I want to be with you, and then um she came back and she moved in with me.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um after three months, she's just I'm back.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and I was like, Okay, told her I loved her.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_04: Um, we were just loved and fought constantly.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_04: She kept telling me, she goes, like, I wish he would stop getting high around me.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_04: I worked in Compton at the time and I lived in North Hollywood, and she would often house it in Granada Hills.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_04: And so I had this great, this is a great stoner logic where I said, Well, you you only are high for three hours when you smoke weeb.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_04: Because somebody told me that in college, and I was like, So I'll that's why I smoke every minute of a day.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_04: So I said, if I smoke as soon as I get out from work, the traffic takes me about 90 minutes.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_04: Um by the time she sees me, I won't be high anymore.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_04: And every time I did that, she goes, You're high, aren't you?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_04: Like she goes, You're high, aren't you?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, Yeah, for sure.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_04: Um, so we were fighting a lot.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: So you loved her a ton, but you weren't willing to not smoke pot for her.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I every woman I've ever dated told me I smoked too much and I never stopped for him.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_04: So then she says, she brings a dog back.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_04: This is kind of just like an aside story from Mexico, from Tennessee.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Where was she in Tennessee?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_04: Her mom lives in Tennessee because her mom has this um this food farm she's trying to create because she believes that all the food in California is gonna go out and um that she's gonna be able to save her family if they all come on the food.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Such a realistic plan.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, scones were so good.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_04: She made these homemade scones.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: You went to Tennessee with her to meet the I'll get to that.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, okay.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_04: So eventually she gets this dog we're fighting all the time.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_04: She like keeps going on these plane trips to visit these people that I have no idea who they are.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_04: So mysterious.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_04: So uh eventually one time she was like uh on the she was FaceTime me and then I heard a guy's voice in the background and she hung up, and I was like, hmm, weird weird.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: And she had no job, I'm sure.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_04: No, no job.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_04: When she contributed to rent, she paid$100 one time for five.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_04: Did she do it in gold coins?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_04: From her pussy.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_04: So she tells me she's finally gonna go back to school.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_04: She wouldn't get vaccinated because her mom was into QAnon and stuff like that.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_04: So she would never get vaccinated.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_04: So this was still around the time where the schools were like, you have to be vaccinated to come out.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Should come.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_04: So she wrote a whole thing about how she was religious, she's not religious, just so she didn't have to have the vaccine.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_04: And then she went to school.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_04: She went to school, but like I said, like, oh, I'll move out there with you.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_04: Like Oh my god.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_04: Like, but she was like, No, don't do that.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_04: But I said, Oh but she goes, Well, will you drive class country with me?
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: And then just leave me there.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_04: And and then just she had no housing situation set up by the time she by the time she got scratched.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_04: I said she should have gone in the winter, but she she was going out, she was already gonna be a week late for school.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, she sounds uh crazy.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_04: There was no housing thing.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_04: She would just posted herself on like um on Craigslist, and a bunch of guys were like, Look, you can live with me for free, but at a cost.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_04: You know, so like I'm just hearing all these guys like saying, like, if you're willing to have sex with me, I'll let you live.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's not nice that they were out in the open.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_04: And so um eventually we're driving and I'm like getting high all the time.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_04: I'm taking these edibles, and um eventually she uh I get this job offer because I quit my job to help her move out.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_04: I got this job offer to work as a draftsman at this fabrication company, which was pretty big for me at the time.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_04: And uh she we got that, we were on our way to visit we visited her mom.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_04: We just had visited her mom at her food factory or whatever for the zombies.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_04: We were on our way up and she she just learned how to give me a hand job properly.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_04: So I got the job offer, she gave me a hand job and while she was driving.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: While you're driving, while you're driving.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, she's driving.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, she is driving and giving you a hand job.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_04: It was a stick, too.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_04: Wow, wow, she is a gypsy.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_04: They're good at those.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_04: So so I fall asleep, I wake up, she has fallen asleep at the wheel, the car swerves, we go into a ditch, we roll over four times.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: Did you come though?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I did come.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't come.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_04: That's what matters.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_04: But that's why I was asleep because I can't I was and like dog the dog flies out the window.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_04: Dog flew out the window as we were rolling up.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_04: And uh so we roll over, the car's upside down, and I look at her, her eyes are like like her pupils are just jet black.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_04: Um, because like she and she's so concussed, and she she's only saying the same three words over and over again, like what happened, what happened?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you walk those are two words, but anyway, yeah.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_04: Like she's owing you three cents, she goes, like, where's Mabel?
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_04: That's the dog.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_04: Where's Ian?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_04: If I'm out of peripheral vision, she's asking where I am.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_04: And then she goes, What happened?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_04: So I deploy out of the car, the car's on fire.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_04: The dog seemingly fine.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_04: I just some strange in Tennessee is like, I'll look after the dog while you go to the hospital.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_04: I lost all my money.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_04: I had no money, I had no credit card.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_04: Um, we're at the hospital.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: In what state is this?
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_04: Tennessee.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're still you hadn't even gotten too far from the mom's.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_04: We're six hours away.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_04: Tennessee's a big state.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_04: Okay.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_04: I call the mom up on the way to the hospital and I said, like, we just got in a car accident.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_04: The mom says this, well, just make sure she doesn't get vaccinated.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_04: Just make sure she doesn't get vaccinated.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_04: I go, I'm so alone.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I called up my parents in my family, and they were like, Well, you gotta get yourself out of this.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_04: Like, yeah.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_04: Wow.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_04: Then she like we go back to her mom's place after we found a random credit card in her backpack that let us play for everything, like get a hotel that was for under her name or another person.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_04: It was her credit card, but like we had no money.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_04: But like, we're staying in this hotel room.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_04: We go back to the mom, I go back to my parents' place.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_04: I come back to California, I start working the new job.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_04: She comes back and she says she's gonna go in the winter term, but then she tells me she's gonna go to Amsterdam with and I go, What money do you have to go to Amsterdam?
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, That doesn't matter.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_04: It'll be cheaper to live in Amsterdam than it will be to live in Los Angeles.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_04: I go, You live here for free.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_04: So I tell her I tell I tell her, I go, if you move to Amsterdam, I'm breaking up with you.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_04: Um and she goes, No, I don't want that to happen.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_04: So I break up with her and then she cries and I put all of her stuff, I move all of her stuff out of my apartment onto her uncle's lawn.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_04: Her uncle lives in Los Angeles, and I say, like, you can pick up all your stuff there.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_04: They told me that was wildly immature.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_04: Um but I was like, I want to drive my life.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_04: But then the very next day, like I was like, or like three days after I called my I called up a friend, and uh they were like, Well, maybe you did do it wrong, and I started spiraling, and this is like when I started to crash out.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_04: I see, and I started calling up being like, Will you take me back?
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_04: Will you take me back?
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_04: And then I'm like driving in the car, like threatening to kill myself, and uh I'm like on her front lawn, her uncle has to come out and talk to me.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_04: She comes out and talks to me, she tells me she's never loved me.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_04: Um so after like that, I just kind of had this moment where I go, like, I think I need to go.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_04: Go somewhere.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe and not Amsterdam.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_04: I need to go somewhere.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_04: So I just called this like random IOP.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: They they What's IOP?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_04: Intensive outpatient.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I don't know.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you know what an IOP is?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: No idea.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Intensive outpatient.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_04: And they took yeah this is because I I was calling the Suicide Hotline a lot over the summer.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_04: I was calling it like, and I was hiding this from her.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_04: I would call the Suicide Hotline that I get.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my God.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_04: Three days.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they gave me like a list of um It's amazing that I have all the suicide jokes and you don't.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_04: My suicide jokes don't work well because I I go too dark.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I think people get worried about you on stage.
• 22:36
  unknown: They do.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_04: They do.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_04: They think it's real.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: No, do you know what I want to do?
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: What do you do to get ready for a set, Alex?
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_02: Look at my notes, I guess.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, okay.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I uh no, I don't do that.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just tell myself it's gonna be great.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's I do look at my notes sometimes when I've just called it.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be great.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: You've already gone off and you got off stage and it's already great.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: You've got this.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: Later on, you're gonna be going, it's just how I thought it would be.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Ian, though, I'm you might need to move the mic to what do you do, Ian?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_04: I I I I do like a like I punch myself really hard.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_04: I really hard harder than that.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_04: Really hard.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_04: Um, I scream, I pump up and down.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_04: I'll do like squats till I'm exhausted to like get it.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, when he gets up there, it you're just like, oh, he's like, and you're like, oh no, what's happening?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then he goes up and he does the amazing job.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you're saying you were in the mental hospital?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_02: That's crazy.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: But oh Ian, do you feel and that led you to sobriety and that led you back to comedy?
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I it kind of comedy, like it kind of um I was about one year sober, um, and I was like, I I met a guy in rehab who was like saying, like, he said he was going to start doing comedy.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_04: So then we started calling each other up and we were sharing jokes and he was going to open mics.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_04: And I remember I was just like, at one point I was like, okay, I just gotta do this.
• 24:09
  SPEAKER_04: And that's I I was kind of copying somebody else's sober journey, and then yeah, but and you got addicted to it.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_04: I did.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, but how cool that you would meet a comedy buddy in a mental hospital.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a way, that girl did you a big favor.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_04: She did.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_04: That's not even half the story.
• 24:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like you does it go on after you're sober, no.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_04: No, it goes on as I'm in the the hospital.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_00: Oh.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: What did she do?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: I have to, I want to hear it.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, so she then, like, um she emailed me the first day in the hospital saying, I love you and I want to get back together with you.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I told her, um You have your phone then if she's emailing you.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you have to do that?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, so an intensive outpatient is like it's not a hospital.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_04: It's like uh it's like a it's a sector where you go for six hours a day.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_04: Oh most people, and then you take like group therapists.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, because it's outpatient.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even put so you're living at home, you just go there six hours a day.
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_04: You're either living in a sober living or outpatient.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I want a cigarette so bad right now.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_04: And I I did not want to live in the sober living.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_04: So I just said, I'll go home.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_04: I go, I'm a big boy, I can handle this.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_04: And so but that was the mistake kind of being in the outpatient because like it gave me access to her.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_04: So every time every time I would be like six hours would be like, I'm not gonna go see her, I'm gonna be a good boy, I'm not gonna.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_04: And then like as soon as they let me out, I would drive to her and like we were but I would drive to her immediately.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um But were you now off meds at all this time?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: You're not doing we're trying to get me on the right meds at this time, but you're not smoking pot, you're not doing Adderall, and you're not drinking at this time.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_04: Correct.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_04: So she texted me, I love you, I want to be with you.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Let me just figure this out and I'll get back together with you.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_04: And then like a couple weeks later, I'm like, I'm over the moon because I go, like, wow, I'm gonna do get all this help, and she's still gonna be there for me at the end of all this.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_04: Oh no.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_04: And so then I checked your Spotify.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, her list.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_04: She doesn't have any social media or anything.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_04: So I that's so suspect.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_04: I checked her Spotify and I saw she had a playlist that was like uh like um I'll just use your name as her name, like Andrea and Jacob.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_04: And I and then I called her up and I go, What's are you with this?
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, Well, the night I texted you I loved you, I wanted to see how you felt because I had a date arranged that night.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_04: And I wanted to make sure that you were okay with uh me going on this date.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_04: So I she I took your interpretation as that you were over me, so I could just go and when you said let me figure this out, that sounded to her like go have fun.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, and so so then we create this relationship where she's seeing him and then she sees me.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_04: We make out she's making out with him, she's sleeping with him, and then she'll come.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_04: I'm going to sex addict meetings at the time.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so I Are you still in IOP as well?
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, they were telling me I was like a sex and love addict, so more mainly a love addict, but like I would go and then I would tell her, I can't have sex with you.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_04: And so we would just make out and then she would like show me her breasts, she would show me her like a pussy, and then you would end up No, I wouldn't, but like, but then she would go back and like sleep with the other guy, and I would tell her, I'd go, like, you need to break up with him, like if you want to be with me, and she'd be like, Well, he's just so nice, and and then and then like I would go back to my patient, the meth addicts, the meth addicts would be like, Yeah, man, it's not sounding good.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know the writings on the wall here.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_04: Like, people who have had way harder rock bottom, people who have stolen copper pipe and sold it, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_04: They're like, they're like, What are you not getting here?
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_04: What are you not getting here, buddy?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is this, I'm afraid to ask this question.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is this the girl that you were making a joke about, or is there another one that you're sleeping with after they're sleeping with somebody else?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_04: This has happened to me twice.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you the the joke that we we were is about another whole person.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_04: No, I think it might be about her, like the one where like uh I I haven't used that joke.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when you said uh, and then I said, uh you know, I'll go down on a girl after she's had sex with somebody else.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_04: That's her.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_04: That's from the outpatient.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_04: When I called her up, we were supposed to hang out with Halloween, she was fucking another dude.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: This Halloween?
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_04: No, no.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, back then.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're over her now.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, she's he's over.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_04: If she called me up, I would go back to her in a heartbeat.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_04: There's just no way to contact her.
• 28:38
  SPEAKER_04: I deleted her number, blocked it.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_04: All I have is her LinkedIn.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: But and you know she doesn't work, so that's pretty much invalid.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_04: Well, now she's like a social worker in Tennessee, like therapist.
• 28:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_04: But I see Tennessee and I go, that's the mom right there.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: She's over there with QAnon.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: That is so she's the love of your life.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_04: One of them.
• 29:01
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, probably.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_04: Probably.
• 29:03
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I I definitely like felt a strong connection with her.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Would you say that was a like six months?
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_04: I've never had a car spin.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_04: I've never had an adult relationship that's lasted for over a year.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: Are you kidding me?
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_04: No, I would say the longest relationship I've ever had is in high school, and that was a year and a couple months.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing to me.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_04: Everybody else is like six months under.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_04: I would say like max I make it work for somebody with like five months.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe three.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: What about you, Alex?
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: In relationships.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have you had one that's lasted over a year?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, year and a half, usually.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: Year and a half before the painting.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_04: It's a good time.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_04: It's a good time.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_04: It's like that's a good time.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_04: That's a honeymoon phase.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_04: That's and then like by like that time, you're like, do we really want to make it work?
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is that what is that?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: Are you heartbroken at a year and a half where you're bored, ready to move?
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: Heard all your stuff.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_02: I'm committed.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_02: So like I I have good intentions with the relationships and stuff like that.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_02: So if we break up, it kind of sucks.
• 30:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I have good intentions now, but I relate to that girl and to your girls because I was that person.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was not, I used to always say, I don't want to be a liar.
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: So the only way that what I'm telling you at all times is not a lie is if you add the words right now to it.
• 30:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like if I say I love you, that me, and then you think right now.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I didn't want to lie, but um I couldn't hang on to my emotions.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: So if I say I love you, I just mean right now.
• 30:39
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean tomorrow.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: If I say you're my boyfriend, I mean right now.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: But when I leave this room, I'm going to go see other people.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_04: When you don't have object permanence, really.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're so smart.
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_00: Object permanence.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even know these words.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm pregnant.
• 30:54
  SPEAKER_01: Right now.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly, exactly.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be with you forever, right now.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not seeing anybody else right now.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I always felt like that had destroyed so many people.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Shout out.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, anyway, that if a guy, the new guy who's coming to pick me up, could see the bodies of the people of the guys that were sad, and we had if I had to walk over all of them to get to the door, it would be like he would run, like, what the hell?
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Look at it.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Poetic.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: Well, thank you.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, that's one way to put it.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Poetic.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: It is poetic.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I felt like I don't know what object permanence is, but I felt like at night when I was washing the makeup off my face, my feelings would go off too.
• 31:38
  SPEAKER_04: Object permanence is like a thing in babies, where like uh we all have object permanence where you can connect through that.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_04: So you know like how peekaboo works?
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, you're not there, you're not there.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_04: That's object permanence.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, that is me.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_04: They don't have object permanence, like an object that is permanently there.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, you know, so like I cover my that's you would love you, like I love you, and then you cover your eyes, and you're like, Well, they're I had that problem so many times.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: I would always tell my boyfriend Rob, I don't even know if he's alive anymore, but uh uh he was getting very depressed.
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_00: But anyway, uh I would say I I loved I wouldn't tell him that, but I loved him when I was around him.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as he left, I was like, It's like he didn't exist.
• 32:24
  SPEAKER_00: Like what you're saying, peekaboo.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_04: That's how I love women love me in the middle, like they love me right now, they love me right now, and then that's like the thing with like now that we have texting, you see them like not love you immediately.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_04: Like yeah, yeah.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_04: Well, because then they're like, they're like, I don't want to entertain, I don't want to have to like text with them, text with them.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: No, yeah, and I would always tell guys, and I don't know if this is helpful to anybody, but this is how I was.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not that way anymore.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I will always say, when we finish a date, let me be done.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's just end the date.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: We started the date, we had the date, now let's end the date.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't, as I'm on the way out of the car or wherever, say, When am I gonna see?
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that just feels like you're yanked back in on your collar.
• 33:12
  SPEAKER_04: Earlier this year, that would be like that.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_04: Like we were supposed to, we were supposed to hang out like a Sunday, and I came over and I saw her on a Saturday.
• 33:19
  SPEAKER_04: So then I said after the Saturday hangout, I go like, Will I still see you tomorrow?
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that wrecked it.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, we can we never saw each other again after that.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: There you go.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_02: You can't do that.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_02: She was a fucking whore.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's okay.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_02: There's good women out there who could just communicate with you, buddy.
• 33:35
  SPEAKER_00: But but there are also good women like myself who are so traumatized and haven't worked it out that they can't, they just aren't in control of their emotions enough.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: She was traumatized.
• 33:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so as was I when I was doing all that.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: I got help on it later, but that made me be like you say a fucking whore, because I just couldn't, you know, that old Woody Allen, you don't want to be a member of a club that would have anybody like you as a member.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't want any guy, I just wanted to go away, not hear from you for five or six days, then wonder is he gonna call?
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: He did call.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited, I'm gonna see you again.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, see, that works so much better.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: So much better.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's but you're manipulative.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not manipulative.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Look at it.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: This just imagine you meet a really cute girl.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_00: And you have a great time.
• 34:29
  SPEAKER_00: So she you you've got a 10 in your mind.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: She's great.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's say the date is over, you go to sleep, you wake up in the morning, you have 100 texts from her.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_00: Does that diminish her at all?
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, 100%.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: 1000%.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there you go.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_04: Well, then what if it's one text?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, what's one text?
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_04: See, women's though.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_04: Now, and now you're gonna be going like women, this is what women say.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_04: Like, no, like uh uh, you know, but I'm not sending a thousand texts, I'm sending one text.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: I know, but but I'm just trying to give you the example that an ocean wave has to go out and then come in.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: It can't just come in, come in, come in, come in.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta go away and come back.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you let's say you're with a cute girl, okay, forget the text.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say you're with a really cute girl.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and you've had this so much fun, you've been hanging out for an hour.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, even let's say you had sex, now you're going, uh, you're leaving, and you give her a hug goodbye.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: And at that hug, she just hangs on to you for an hour.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: She hangs on to you for 20 minutes, hugging you.
• 35:36
  SPEAKER_00: Aren't you at some point going to be wanting to get out of that hug?
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, of course.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe it reminds him of a straitjacket.
• 35:45
  SPEAKER_04: The long hug is pretty appealing to me.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_04: That does a 20-minute hug.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_04: I think I would like go through all stages of grief.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_02: You're crying.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_04: I would cry.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, it would be like healing for me, dude.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's how messed up you are, Andreas.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_02: Where it's just like, hey, it'd be great to see you again, is equal to hey, hanging on for 20 minutes.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's the connection.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like you feel trapped.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I had been trapped many times, so I I don't like that.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like, you know, when I was in high school, my boyfriend, I would shout him out, but uh anyway, he would try to do the thing that guys do, like at a movie, like put your arm around.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys did that.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: I would jump mile high.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: I would always say, You can't touch me unless you tell me beforehand.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then I say yes.
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: So then he tried to get me drunk.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_04: Like, oh, let's see every girlfriend I've ever had.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're attracted to the damaged.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I really am.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, I love like Andrew.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_04: If you were like my age, we'd probably be dating.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_04: Absolutely.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: I would probably be avoid ghosting you right now.
• 36:52
  SPEAKER_04: You'd be ghosting me right now, cheating on somebody else.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_00: Exactly.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but that's that's the thing.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I call this damaged goods because uh what was I saying?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: What were you saying?
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like well-rounded people are boring.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they really are.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you gotta have some shit to talk about.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: What is more fun to talk about than how people have fucked you over, bad decisions you've made?
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_02: How much how much I love you, how much we love our kids and our family and our house.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, that is just that's like it's one of the things I love about my husband.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: He's English, so he doesn't hardly talk.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that sometimes he gets really happy, rarely, but sometimes he gets so happy I have to look away.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I see someone too happy, it's like, oh god, you know, like it's too much for me.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_04: That's why we hang out so much because I'm constantly in an erotic mess.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: There you are.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_04: I'm constantly in the state of not happy.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: I and I love that about you.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: But I also love that you are uh yeah, you're not happy, but you are um ambitious and creative and funny.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: I've been I uh are those is that hard to hear?
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's I am grossing you up by being giving you.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_04: I I like being called funny.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_04: We all do, but like uh ambitious?
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, ambitious rules.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, you can call me that all day.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_04: You can call me that till the cows come home.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_04: Um creative.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_04: What was the word?
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_04: I like creative a lot too.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Ambitious, creative, and funny, I said, and then you're like restricted.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_04: He was like, get off me.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_04: Get off me.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Wait, don't send me a thousand.
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_04: I haven't been feeling funny recently.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, really?
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: When did that happen?
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a week, you mean like a week, ten days?
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe like a couple months.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: What we did that show together a couple months at the improv.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_04: I felt funny then.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_04: Around after that is like when I stopped feeling I think you need to see me more.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have a bad set and you're just not over it?
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: Was there a bad set?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_04: No, I'm not I'm not having bad sets.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_04: Well, there are some bad sets.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_04: I like bad sets.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, okay.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_04: But like, um, I I've been having a lot of the same set.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, okay.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't have a new thing that you're working on that you're excited about.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 39:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're just like, oh, I know these jokes work, and I'm doing these jokes, and they work, and so it's boring.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, exactly.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: You've talked about that before, Alex.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this life the job of a comic is really depressing if you don't have the new stuff.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_02: The new joke.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: The new joke gives you so much hope.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_02: Or you just drive around the country knowing what's funny is funny.
• 39:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's like a miserable existence.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a workaholic, I'm a workout a holic, I'm a holic.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, if I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing makes me happier than to get shit done.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_00: If I could be multitasking, like right now, if I could be buying a house while I'm doing this podcast, okay.
• 40:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like multitask.
• 40:07
  SPEAKER_00: Love multitasking.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_04: What could I be doing all the time?
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_04: Buying a house.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, it must be nice.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like you know what?
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't as much of a cheater as I was a multitasker.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was going out with various dogs.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_04: Optimizing that when we were dating, I would have been like, yeah, for sure.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: Makes sense.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: You've got your hair looks good.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: Why just show it to one person?
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 40:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 40:34
  SPEAKER_04: I got all dolled up today, and I only hung out with you for two hours.
• 40:37
  SPEAKER_00: So what I'm just waiting for.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_02: You guys are like aging backwards reconnecting.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_02: I am an old soul.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm an immature soul.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: I like this.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_00: I feel bad for my past behavior.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't feel bad.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_02: Don't feel bad.
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_00: No, but I want to say it's not fun being that I'm bringing it back to girls.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's not fun for you to date a girl like that.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is kind of enticing, but it's also not fun to be that girl.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because you feel really bad that you drag so many people through the mud.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, and then you have the fun part of apologizing to them and promising it'll never happen again.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: And while I'm saying that, I think that's gonna be the case.
• 41:19
  SPEAKER_00: But is for right now, and as soon as they agree, yeah, they they go into like, oh, okay, I got you back.
• 41:29
  SPEAKER_00: They become it's like, oh, I've gotta buy this car.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I have that car.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: It just was very difficult to be myself as a person as much as I hurt other people.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I just want to tell you, those girls don't enjoy doing that to you.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry I called you a fucking whore.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't mean it.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_00: I hey, it's okay.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm amazing that I'm amazed that I don't have AIDS or anything like that.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_00: It is pretty cool.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: But if we all did numbers, do you want to talk about numbers, sex numbers?
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, yours is probably way more than mine.
• 42:02
  SPEAKER_00: I know, well, I know, but let's just also accommodate age.
• 42:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do I'll go back to when I was your age.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_02: How much do you average per year?
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: Well, now nothing because I've been married for 20 years.
• 42:13
  SPEAKER_02: So batting average like let's go baseball rules.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_04: So so what made you I don't want to do the numbers thing.
• 42:22
  SPEAKER_04: I'm not putting that out there.
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_04: Uh seven.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_04: What did what did you make because I I hear like I talked to like some actors and stuff who are also like this, they were like, I was constantly cheating.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_04: And then and then I married this person, and then I stopped cheating.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like mine was uh uh vice versa.
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: I stopped, I did a lot of work on myself.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: I did a lot of work on myself, a lot, and then I got to the point that I was attracted to a well-balanced person, a sane person, and I had not ever been attracted to, I would res I would say repulsed by a well-balanced, I would say boring person.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I did enough work on myself that I wasn't picking musicians with a guitar pick, and if their band doesn't make it, they're killing themselves, or another musician, I mean lots of musicians, musicians that have drug problems, musicians that are always on tour, people that are available but unavailable.
• 43:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was constantly picking that, and if I got an actor or whatever, or a football player, they they would always have to be moving around for their jobs, so that made it good because I didn't feel so like get off me.
• 43:43
  SPEAKER_00: But still in all, if I was nice enough, and I'm kind of fascinating.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_04: Wow, I'm so brave.
• 43:55
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm kind of interesting.
• 43:58
  SPEAKER_04: Wow.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: I am kind of fascinating.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: So guys would like the fact that I'm energetic and fun and talkative and I've got a lot of stories.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not boring.
• 44:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not going, well, where do you want to eat?
• 44:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I know exactly where I want to go.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go here.
• 44:11
  SPEAKER_00: Blah blah blah.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, if they started to like me too much, doesn't matter who you are, what you're doing, it just goes down.
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: But I did a lot of work on myself.
• 44:22
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't that I married a guy and it changed me.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: No, I did a lot of work on myself so that I could be attracted to a well-balanced person.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: I took a lot of classes, I studied a lot, I read a lot of books, and I kind of took out the little, I like uncrossed the little yellow wire with the blue wire so that I was not having this bomb go off all the time.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was gonna make me go over here, or I gotta get away, or I don't like you because you like me.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: All this insanity that I was wired for, I kind of uncrossed the wires and detonated myself.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_04: You did that yourself.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: I did that through a lot of hard work, but I a lot of it, a lot of studying and a lot of reading and a lot of writing, and uh that was really, really helpful.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I did that myself, and then I met my husband, and he's somebody I would have pushed to the side to meet somebody else back before I fixed myself.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm so glad I met him because he is a person who is hardworking.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_00: I respect him.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't ever gain one pound.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, interesting.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_03: That's the second one.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: No, but I'm very calling them thin.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: No, but wait, I want to tell you something.
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm vain.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm vain.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't go for money.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm vain.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I went with so many musicians.
• 45:46
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, because if one of them pops off, look at you.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're with the big no, no, no, because they were cute.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I was only with them for cute.
• 45:53
  SPEAKER_00: Cute was everything, cute was everything, everything was cute.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_04: That's my problem, is I only want a hot person.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's right.
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_00: Who would want anybody that's not hot?
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_04: I want a hot, stable person.
• 46:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, you say that.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: But but yeah, so so I didn't even care if you were that smart.
• 46:13
  SPEAKER_00: I could put up with that.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_00: I have I always just say to people, I think I'm a boy.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm very boy-like.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would say that to a guy, and they'd go, No, you're not.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I go, Well, I think I am because I'm think like a guy.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like you don't have to have a great job, you could be boring, uh, you don't have to make any money, you da-da.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'll do all that.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to be cute.
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, that's ridiculous.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's ridiculous, especially now that I am 400.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, okay.
• 46:42
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_00: But that's why I do like my husband not gaining weight because that is a part of being cute.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: And also, he does everything for you.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: He will do oh, do you need me to get that out of the car?
• 46:58
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to plug your car in?
• 46:59
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have an electric car.
• 47:01
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to do this?
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need that?
• 47:02
  SPEAKER_00: Do you want me to pick you up at the airport?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: He won't say anything when he's driving you back from the airport.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't talk hardly.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: But in a way, that's good for me because I'm I'm not used to being around.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it takes me a while to get used to being around somebody.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have that?
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like being used to um You know what I mean?
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you I don't want to be hugged.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: Well, don't just hug me right away.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_04: When I like starting a new job or like when I'm around new people, I'm very quiet.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_04: I'm very quiet.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_04: And I usually like won't become silly or like my natural self until You know them.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_04: Until I know them.
• 47:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_04: But what I mean is that's why first dates are so hard for me.
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, they're my favorite dates.
• 47:41
  SPEAKER_04: No, I like I like a date where I'm like five sorry, sorry.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_04: I like a date where I'm like five in.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_04: Because then I'm like like I I always like after we hook up, you know?
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's date one for me.
• 47:51
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_04: It used to be that way for me.
• 47:53
  SPEAKER_04: It's been harder for me to like kind of want to oh, because like not having like weed to like bring somebody back to your apartment, it's really hard to yeah.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, but I can imagine I I always get like super, super like uh in your head, no caddy after after I'm I sleep with somebody.
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and then that's fun.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_04: That's fun.
• 48:15
  SPEAKER_04: That's yeah, but I can't I'm not like that.
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like kind of a robot before that.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm kind of a robot.
• 48:24
  SPEAKER_00: I when I like somebody, and Alex, you've got to put in what you do, but I used to have this, I don't have anymore.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: But my go-to thing would be insults.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_00: Putting somebody down and and going back and forth in negative talk, that was so fun.
• 48:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, like go, would you would you guys like uh you know, would you like to go out with you?
• 48:46
  SPEAKER_00: No, and he goes, Well, I would never date you anyway.
• 48:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, Are you kidding me?
• 48:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because blah blah blah.
• 48:51
  SPEAKER_04: And you would end up going out with that.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: 100%.
• 48:53
  SPEAKER_00: The more and the nicer I was to you meant I was just being polite, like, yes, that's so interesting.
• 48:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, I gotta go.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_02: That's having me before, but then I just make it.
• 49:02
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe I gotta cry by how mean I am.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_02: I just got way too overboard and she starts crying.
• 49:07
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I that's a thing I don't like about girls.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now I I could never be gay because I'm not attracted to them, but also I don't like the crying.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: I am not a crier, I don't cry, no tears come out of these eyes unless I've got glue in my eyes from my false eyelashes.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: But you know what?
• 49:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think I wear too much makeup, Ian?
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_04: I don't want to answer that.
• 49:31
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, that's a yes.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_04: I don't I don't think you wear too much makeup.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: Then why did you say you didn't want to answer it?
• 49:36
  SPEAKER_04: You could have said to think about it.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_00: Alex.
• 49:42
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what you look like without makeup.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_02: That's a great question.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that's it is a good question, but wonder if I took it down or not.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, um, you're not gonna not recognize me.
• 49:54
  SPEAKER_00: Do you think I wear the appropriate amount of makeup?
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, the fifth.
• 49:58
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I must wear way too much makeup.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_02: Well have you seen have you seen your Instagram comments lately?
• 50:07
  SPEAKER_00: What do they say?
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_04: The usual shit.
• 50:11
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, but what I had nothing to add to this.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I'm wearing so much makeup.
• 50:17
  SPEAKER_00: You guys, do you think I wear too much makeup?
• 50:19
  SPEAKER_00: I like to be seen from a distance.
• 50:21
  SPEAKER_04: My aunt said to me, she goes, you would go viral more if you looked good.
• 50:26
  SPEAKER_04: Like like if you if like I wasn't so on camp all the time.
• 50:31
  SPEAKER_04: Well But I feel like that helps my character.
• 50:35
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I could see what she's saying.
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_00: Look at there's Matt Reif.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 50:43
  SPEAKER_00: And there's also Mateo, uh, whatever his name is.
• 50:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I think cuteness helps.
• 50:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I think you are cute, but if you were more cute, that would even help more.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_00: And you know how you could get more cute.
• 50:56
  SPEAKER_04: Oh.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: What do you think?
• 50:58
  SPEAKER_00: Makeup.
• 50:59
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe a haircut.
• 51:00
  unknown: Makeup.
• 51:01
  SPEAKER_00: Haircut.
• 51:03
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything else that you could do to improve your looks?
• 51:07
  SPEAKER_04: Uh, the way I dress.
• 51:09
  SPEAKER_00: I think you dress cute.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_00: You never dress like this.
• 51:11
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like you work.
• 51:12
  SPEAKER_00: She's calling you fat, Ian.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry.
• 51:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, you're bright.
• 51:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not calling you fat.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just saying, wondering if you're gonna be calling us fat pics.
• 51:19
  SPEAKER_02: You guys fat.
• 51:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you guys, we can't.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_02: You're so rude to me.
• 51:22
  SPEAKER_02: You're so rude to us.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_02: You're calling me fat?
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not calling you fat.
• 51:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just saying the camera adds 10 pounds.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_04: Oh my god, dude.
• 51:31
  SPEAKER_04: You got that guy laughing.
• 51:33
  SPEAKER_04: He's been stone faced the whole time.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're fat.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: We can edit this out.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_04: You did, you did.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_04: You've been you wouldn't let me eat candy at the beginning of this.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_04: I wanted for a Dr.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_04: Puppet.
• 51:49
  SPEAKER_04: You're like, I don't think you want that.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_04: You've been calling me fat this whole fucking time.
• 51:55
  SPEAKER_00: No, Ian, Ian, would you like to be 10 pounds less?
• 52:00
  SPEAKER_04: I'll get on GLP1, but no, but would you do you think that would be better?
• 52:04
  SPEAKER_00: You're always talking about how you're a sausage.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_00: Or whatever, how your dad called you fat, and now we can't see how much you weigh because of how the clothes you wear.
• 52:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_04: I I I don't know.
• 52:18
  SPEAKER_04: I don't think that's gonna make me viral overnight.
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_04: I might be more talking about the way I dress and like wearing t-shirts and that, like it looks like I should wash my hair more.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, all I'm saying is when your face thins out, you're gonna see even acuter bone structure.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I cannot have this on the podcast.
• 52:38
  SPEAKER_00: I cannot be this is all saying this is hilarious.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_04: End of the podcast.
• 52:41
  SPEAKER_04: This is so funny.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_04: The end of it.
• 52:44
  SPEAKER_00: No, but but let's just say this, and it is the end.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_00: I have to leave.
• 52:48
  SPEAKER_00: But Ian, let's just forget all that.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just talk about this.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think you're darling.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's time for us to end off.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is there something if someone was looking to you for advice about like they ended up in the in uh the IOP, if they went into had a crazy relationship with a toxic girl that all that happened in six months, if they had a weed, you know, if they were using weed too much, what could you tell them from your life that might help them?
• 53:20
  SPEAKER_04: I would just say be willing to let go.
• 53:23
  SPEAKER_00: And what does that mean?
• 53:25
  SPEAKER_04: Let go just like don't hold on to like something you think you need.
• 53:30
  SPEAKER_04: Just whatever that be.
• 53:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh wow, whether it be a girl or a joint or a Dr.
• 53:36
  SPEAKER_04: Pepper or a joke or anything.
• 53:39
  SPEAKER_04: Uh I think letting go and uh moving on is a lot better than holding on to stuff.
• 53:47
  SPEAKER_00: You know what?
• 53:48
  SPEAKER_00: That is brilliant.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_00: That is brilliant, let go, because if you just let go of any animosities you have towards people or anything that is bringing you down or that you think you need, I mean that's very Buddhist, I guess, but that's a good thing.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let go of my insane vanity.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I'm gonna let you guys go.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_00: I wanna, I wanna, I wanted to end with this cute quote quote, um, which is thank you so much for joining Damaged Goods.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one makes it through life in mint condition, right?
• 54:22
  SPEAKER_00: We've all got dents and and uh bruises and scars.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: We've all rolled over a couple times in our cars, and we're still here.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope to see you next week.
• 54:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Alex and Ian.
• 54:34
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, my darling.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_04: Yes, your fat friend loved being here.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's not gonna be in here.
• 54:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say that, Ian.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_00: Say something else because that's not gonna make sense.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_04: We're not oh, I'm putting this all in.
• 54:47
  SPEAKER_04: No, you are not.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_00: He's joking.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: He's joking.
• 54:50
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, well, thank you for having me, Andrea.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_04: It was really fun.
• 54:56
  SPEAKER_01: Perfect.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 55:02
  SPEAKER_04: Damage goods.