Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Truth About Homeschooling and Social Skills [a Listener Q&A]

Transcript

The Truth About Homeschooling and Social Skills [a Listener Q&A] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Today's question on the Happy Families podcast is a doozy.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: Homeschool rates around the nation have been skyrocketing. I predicted
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: at the start of the year that they would continue
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: to go up. People continue to feel concerned, disenfranchised, or
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: just like their kids don't fit into school. And today
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: we've got a mum who is desperate to help her
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: son who is not doing great at school to actually
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: thrive and to flourish. The question relates to homeschooling. If
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: you've got questions yourself about homeschooling. Maybe you've got kids
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: that are homeschooled. Maybe you've always wondered whether you should
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: or shouldn't do it. That's where we're going to head today.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Stay with us. Our answer to a very tricky question
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: comparing homeschooling and traditional schooling is next. Hello and welcome
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: to the Happy Families podcast where you get real parenting
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: solutions every single day. We are Justin and Kylie Coulson.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: We are parents to six kids, including one daughter who
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: is homeschooled. And another daughter who is experiencing an alternative
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: kind of school, an industry school. And our tricky question
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: today is all about whether we do or don't take
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: the plunge. How do we figure out what's going to
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: be best for our kids? Because it's heartbreaking when you
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: see children going to school and things aren't working. Are
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: we pro? Are we against? And why? And what is
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: right for your child? Oh, by the way, before we
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: answer Rhiannon's question, if you have a tricky question that
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: you'd like to hit us up with, Only a few
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: more chances this year. We're kind of filling up because
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: the year's almost over, but you can send us a
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: voice note to podcasts at happyfamilies.com.au or alternatively, you can
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: jump onto happyfamilies.com.au, scroll down and find the record button,
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: start talking, ask us anything about homeschooling or teaching kids
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: about money or how you're supposed to get through this
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: cost of living crisis where things are getting worse, not better. Discipline, screens, sleep,
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: you name it, we'll talk about it. Kylie? Let's hear
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Rhiannon's question now about her little boy and his homeschooling challenge.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: Hi, Justin and Kylie. My name's Rhiannon. I'm a longtime listener,
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: and I'd really love your advice because I feel completely stuck.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: My husband and I have an eight-and-a-half-year-old pun with autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia,
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: and separation anxiety. He attended mainstream school and saw grade
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: two this year. but he became so dysregulated that he
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: was frequently lashing out and being suspended. It was incredibly
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: difficult for him and meant that I was constantly having
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: to leave work to collect him. We made the difficult
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: decision to homeschool him for term two. It wasn't always easier,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: but he was calmer, happier, and I genuinely felt like
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: his learning improved. The downside was that I became even
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: more of his safe person and I worried his separation
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: anxiety was getting worse. Five weeks ago, he started his
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: autism Queensland. We hoped the environment would provide the structure
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: and support he needs, but so far we've found it
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: much less structured than expected. He thrives on routine and predictability,
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: and because the staff are getting to know him, they
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: don't always recognise what helps him regulate. There are also
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: significant practical challenges. It's a 45-minute drive each way, the
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: fees are a real strain financially, and I'm currently only
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: working one day a week, so we're struggling to prioritise.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: School gives him opportunities to develop social skills, independence and
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: separation from me, but homeschool gives him the structure he
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: needs to stay regulated and his academic learning seems to flourish.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: And I often prefer homeschooling, while other people keep telling
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: us that homeschooling will make his separation anxiety worse and
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: cause him to miss life and important life skills. So
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: what should we prioritise? His social development and independence, even
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: if school is currently affecting his emotional wellbeing and learning?
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: Or should we prioritize an environment where he feels safe,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: regulated and learned well while working on personal skills and
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: separation anxiety and other ways? We'd really love your perspective
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: because right now we just don't know which path is
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: best for him. Thank you.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: Rhiannon, we're a few years ahead of you. We have
• 4:05
  Speaker 3: gone through this. I remember I was just talking to
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: somebody the other day. Emily was in the middle of
• 4:13
  Speaker 3: grade three. picking her up, putting her in the car,
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  Speaker 3: kicking and screaming in her pajamas. Her hair was a mess.
• 4:25
  Speaker 3: She wouldn't have breakfast and she would scream the entire
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: 25 minute drive to school. I would take her out
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  Speaker 3: of the car, kicking and screaming. I would take her
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: down to the well-being space. She'd be met by a beautiful,
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: welcoming teacher and she would scream and I would walk
• 4:41
  Speaker 3: out the door. And it was probably some of the
• 4:45
  Speaker 3: hardest parenting experiences that I've had in all of our parenting. Heartbreaking.
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: So I know exactly what it feels like to be
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: so torn and to have people tell me that taking
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: her out was the worst thing we could have done
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: for her. And yet three and a half years down
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  Speaker 3: the track, I am so glad that we did. I
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: just wish we had have done it sooner.
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: Wish we had have done it sooner. There's so many
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: things that Rhian has said that I want to pick
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: up on Kylie. The first is, I just want to
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: ask Rhiannon a question. What's your heart say, right? Like
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: you're coming to us and asking for advice here, but
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: what does your heart say? Other people have got opinions,
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: really big opinions, and those opinions are clearly impacting your
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: confidence in making your own decisions here.
• 5:33
  Speaker 3: But ultimately it's noise, right? You actually have to be
• 5:36
  Speaker 3: able to sit in the stillness to hear your own heart,
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  Speaker 3: to hear your own voice.
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and what I think I'm hearing in Rhiannon is
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: I really want to do this, but everyone thinks that
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: we're crazy for doing it. Yeah.
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: I think everyone thinks we're crazy for doing it.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't go back. In fact, we consistently, because here's
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: the other thing, Rhiannon, once you decide to homeschool, school
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: is not for everyone. And it was not for our daughter.
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: And I don't think that it's for your son. I
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: just don't.
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  Speaker 3: It almost feels like it's a toughen up princess kind
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: of mentality, right? We're going to push our child, which
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: is what we were doing. We're pushing our child out
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: the door every day because this is going to be
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: better for her wellbeing. How on earth is a child
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: whose emotions are so highly strung in that moment. Number one,
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: going to learn anything. And number two, feel safe enough.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: Well, that's the thing I was going to highlight. Rhiannon
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: is pointing out that she's concerned that there's going to
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: be some social development delays as a result of, or
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: maybe missed opportunities as a result of not being at school.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: When you've got a little guy who's feeling like this,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: he's not making friends. He's not having social opportunities and
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: social experiences that are positive.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: If anything, his emotions are so heightened, he's lashing out,
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: he's kind of being difficult to deal with in the classroom,
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: and children are misreading those things as, I guess, socially
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: unacceptable ways of dealing with things.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you're not going to learn either. You're not
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: going to have high-quality learning in a school environment when
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: you are so dysregulated, when school is such an awful
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: place for you. Like I said, there are so many
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: challenges here for Rhiannon. School is not for everybody. It
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: just isn't. But I just want to emphasize homeschooling is
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: not for everyone either. And there have been more times
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: than I can count over the last three and a
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: half years or thereabouts as we've homeschooled Emily, sorry, as
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: you've homeschooled Emily, where I've looked at the toll that
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: it's taking on you because I'm not able to do it.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: I'm running this business and traveling all over the country.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: And then when I'm home, I've got so much work
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: to do. So this has squarely landed on your shoulders.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: And as I've looked at the burden that you're carrying,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I've often said, we've got to stop this. We've actually
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: just got to send her back to school. When we
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: look at what school is going to mean for her,
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: we're like, no, we're not sending her back. But it
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: is not for everyone because it requires an enormous lifelong
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: sacrifice on the part of parents to help their children
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: to get through the homeschool process. And Rhiannon, that means
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: you don't get to go to work or you've got
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: to find somebody who can do it. Plus, you still
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: spend money. You spend money on a maths tutor or
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: you spend money on a language tutor or whatever it
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: is that you decide to do. You're spending money on
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: extracurricular activities like sports and other physical activities. It is
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: a challenge. But after the break, we're going to talk
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: about how you overcome those challenges and why we are
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: never going back. Stay with us. Okay, homeschooling versus traditional schooling. Kylie,
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: we are squarely in the homeschooling box for our youngest children.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: Does that mean that everyone should homeschool?
• 8:32
  Speaker 3: Well, no.
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  Speaker 1: I think school actually works really well for some people.
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  Speaker 1: Every family is different. But there are some kids who
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: genuinely struggle and homeschooling is booming as a result. I
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: want to talk about the social stuff for a minute.
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  Speaker 1: This is a really big concern for Rhiannon. How would
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: you respond to Rhiannon's concern about kids getting the social
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: stimulation and experiences and opportunities that they need?
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  Speaker 3: I guess this is where creating and building a village
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  Speaker 3: is so important for your children. But I think even
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: regardless of whether your children are in school or not
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  Speaker 3: in school, not in traditional schooling, The village is what's
• 9:05
  Speaker 3: important because we can have all kinds of challenges happen
• 9:08
  Speaker 3: in the school playground. But if they can come home
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  Speaker 3: and spend time with their people, it makes such a
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: difference to the way our children are able to face
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: challenges that come their way. So it'd be the first
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  Speaker 3: thing I'd say. It's really important to be intentional about
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: creating relationships with other families. The wonderful thing about homeschooling is...
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  Speaker 3: there will be so many different homeschooling groups in your area.
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  Speaker 3: Facebook is a great place. Social media is a great
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  Speaker 3: place to connect with other homeschooling families and being open
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  Speaker 3: to just trying different things and experiencing what's out there
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  Speaker 3: because you'll be blown away, number one, at what is available.
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  Speaker 3: Number two, recognizing that every family in that space is
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: doing it differently. I have to emphasize that. There is
• 10:00
  Speaker 3: not one size fits all when it comes to homeschooling families.
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: So we're going to do another podcast on this shortly,
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: but you have just been on a trip to China
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: with Emily with homeschooling families. It was extremely cheap because
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: it was a, I don't know, a China tour and
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: it fit the financial budget really neatly. But you get
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: to see all of these other homeschooling families. Your kids
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: get to make friends, but you also get to see
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: how they're doing it. And like you said, no one's
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: doing it the same. And that's the beauty of homeschooling
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: is you get to do it in the way that
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: works for your family.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: But as I listened to Rhiannon, there were a couple
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: of words that just jumped out at me on the page.
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: She said, do I focus on having a regulated child
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: who flourishes in their education in a safe, predictable space?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: In other words, do I homeschool? Or.
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: And I can tell you right now, after three and
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: a half years, we have had a child who has
• 10:55
  Speaker 3: gone from being so dysregulated, I didn't know who she was,
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: to this beautifully, I want to use the word compliant,
• 11:03
  Speaker 3: because we were really lacking compliance in any.
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: She's just so happy and so regulated. And she's also
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: so capable, right? Like we've got her doing the activities
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: that she's selected. She's learning the things that she wants
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: to learn. And she doesn't, When she's with kids who
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: are going to school, she keeps up with them perfectly well.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: In fact, she's more than capable because she's having all
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: of these great experiences. Here's the thing. Rhiannon, you've said
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: you've listened to the podcast for a long time, so
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: you know what I'm about to say. There are three
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: basic psychological needs that we all have, our kids, you, me, everyone.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: We need to feel a strong sense of connection. Your
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: son is going to school and he is not getting
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: that sense of relatedness. That sense of connection is zero.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: If you're homeschooled, you have the opportunity to fashion clothes
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: an environment full of relationships that work for him and
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: go from zero to 10. He needs to feel competent.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: What you've described is he doesn't feel competent socially or
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: emotionally or academically because he's going to a traditional school
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: where because of the long list of additional challenges that
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: he presents with, it's just not working.
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: And even the new school that they're investing is not working.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: So when you homeschool... You get to develop a curriculum
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: and AI plus all of the other institutions that are
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: out there that facilitate this makes it so much easier
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: to be able to work on this in a way
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: that fits him and his desire to learn and grow
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: in areas that matter to him while still making sure
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: that you're ticking the boxes that the curriculum requires. And
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: the third thing is autonomy, a sense of choice, a
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: sense of volition, a sense of purpose, a sense of, oh,
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I get why I'm doing this and I'm all in.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: He's not there when it comes to the school situation,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: but homeschooling, it takes away all of those problems. I
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: just think it's massive. I should also add the following.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I am super, super, super pro homeschool as a result
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: of the experience that we've had. And some people say, well,
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: hang on, why are you working in schools? I work
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: in schools because- Education is important. Well, not only is
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: education important, but because a lot of schools are not
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: need supportive environments. And I spent a lot of time
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: working on professional development with teachers to help teachers to
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: create classroom environments that are more supportive of kids like
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: Rhiannon's child. I want kids to go to school and
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: feel like they belong, feel like they're competent, feel like
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: this is a place that they can get on board
• 13:17
  Speaker 1: with because most kids are going to school. Home school
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: is growing, but it's still very much the minority.
• 13:22
  Speaker 3: Well, and the last thing that comes to mind for
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: me is when we removed our youngest, we also removed
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: our second youngest from the school system. We gave her
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: 18 months at home. because she was so dysregulated and
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: she was struggling emotionally in significant ways. But that time
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: off allowed her to regroup, ground herself, and to kind
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: of understand the way she sees the world and gave
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: her the confidence to go back into the school system.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: So while we haven't chosen to go back into traditional schooling,
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: she has gone back into a schooling system. And she
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: still really struggles. I would say maybe once a month,
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: I might get a phone call with an anxiety-based challenge.
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: And what I'm so proud of is that because of
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: that time that we gave her, where she was able
• 14:24
  Speaker 3: to regroup, where she was able to ground, she will
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: send me messages now and go, today is really hard
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: and I just need you to know that. But I've
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: got this. I'm going to be okay. And she's able
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: to get through it in a way that she could
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: never have done if we had have just said, toughen
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: it up. This is what everyone else has to do.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: So you've just got to be there. Just get on
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: with it and we'll get through it.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: Okay. More on homeschooling in the next couple of weeks
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: as we talk about Kylie's big trip to China with Emily.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I was so jealous. Rhiannon, really hope that answers your question.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Thank you for sending it through. If you have a
• 14:56
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• 15:02
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• 15:05
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• 15:23
  Speaker 1: to you then.