Latest / RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way / How to Recognize Gaslighting and Reclaim Your Personal Power

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How to Recognize Gaslighting and Reclaim Your Personal Power · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: And today, today's episode is something that I actually personally feel really uh connected to, as well as I know that a lot of my clients that I've been working with, this is a topic that comes up a lot.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And it's it's the concept of gaslighting.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, gaslighting has become a very popular term, as many would refer to it as in like pop psychology.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: However, I do think that it is really important that we talk about what gaslighting is and how we can just be on the lookout for signs that you might be engaged in a dynamic where gaslighting is happening.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, while this is more of a heavier topic, I think it's an important one because oftentimes, at least with the individuals that I have the privilege of working with, oftentimes they are really high achievers and they are often overgivers and they find themselves in dynamics, not just in uh family or personal relationship dynamics, but even in the workplace where gaslighting is happening.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: And so I really do just want to start with the stages of gaslighting.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, the first stage being disbelief.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Many times when gaslighting first starts, you actually might be in disbelief.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is you know your reality, you know what you either said or you experienced, but then somebody challenges it and it kind of catches you off guard that they're challenging what you really know to be true.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so at first, you do start to dis there's a sense of disbelief even in yourself.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like you start to think, maybe is it possible that I misunderstood?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I am overreacting.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, because oftentimes when somebody is gaslighting you, there is some idea that you are overreacting to a situation or you're being overly sensitive.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so in this very first stage of gaslighting, it is when the seeds of doubt are being planted within you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it oftentimes is so subtle that you don't even realize that it's occurring.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: But it's when you are starting to second guess yourself and starting to second guess whether or not what you experienced or what you said actually happened.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: As the gaslighting continues, you find yourself most often moving into defense mode.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And what I mean by that is you starting, you start to feel like you have to defend your reality.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's where you start to justify yourself or you're explaining why you know what you know or or what you heard or what you experienced.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And you're trying so hard to defend yourself.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And the more that you defend yourself, the more the gaslighter tries to gain control.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they are actually thriving off of your emotional reactions because as you are defending yourself, you're probably getting more and more dynamic in your communication.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And before you know it, now the gaslighter is saying how how crazy you are or how overreactive you are.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And it almost in in it enforces that story or that narrative that you're way too emotional or you're way too sensitive.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually, after a per period of prolonged gaslighting, you hit a point where you're actually mentally and emotionally exhausted.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because you spent all this time and energy defending yourself and you just feel absolutely depleted because no matter how much you do it, the other person is always telling you that you're crazy or that you're wrong or that you you're misremembering things.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you start doubting yourself at every turn and you're starting to question yourself at every turn, and you don't even really know what you're experiencing, what you don't, either your anxiety goes through the roof or you actually start to feel more depressed.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And no matter what you say or do, you feel like it's wrong and you're gonna be wrong.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really the goal of gaslighting.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's to gain control, to gain control over how you think, what you believe, control over your emotions, control over the choices that you make.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that's ultimately, you know, when you think about it, and if and if you feel like there are uh moments where maybe you've noticed yourself saying, well, maybe I am the one who's oversensitive, it's important to slow down and ask yourself, you know, that person that I'm in a relationship with, is it possible that it's really gaslighting?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because really what happens is gaslighters will, you know, twist the facts, they take pieces of the truth, distort them in order to make their reality what happened, right?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: They and they deny what actually occurred.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of blame shifting.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the classic move in a gaslighting situation is to flip the script on you.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: But when you're in stages two and three, you're so self-doubtful that you don't even know if if that flipped script is the correct one or not, because you're actually doubting yourself.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And the other thing that happens with gaslighting is oftentimes they will work to uh isolate you and cut you off from others.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: So as they plant the seeds of doubt about you, they're also planting the seeds of doubt about your friends and your family.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: For instance, they might say, you know, they don't really care about you, or they're just trying to create a situation between the two of us, or actually plant the seeds that you don't like those people, that you don't trust those people.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just important to pay attention to even those signs because when that happens, what ends up happening is that those seeds of doubt, not only in the other people, but even in yourself, will cause you to actually isolate even further.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do you actually deal with this once when you know that you're actually in a dynamic like this?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's so important to be able to reclaim your own power and reclaim your own agency.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And so the very first step is for you to actually name it.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is so hard when you're in that toxic dynamic because, you know, naming that you've been in that situation can be hard personally because you might feel a little bit embarrassed or just some shame around how did I not see this before?
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: But then also if you've been in this dynamic with somebody that you've been close to or that you have trusted, it's very difficult to process through that this person has been showing up that way.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: But when when you recognize it, the very first step is to name it.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of internalizing that manipulation, as in there's something wrong with me, or I've done something wrong and going down that path of self-same, it's important to just say, okay, this is gaslighting.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what happened actually happened, or my feelings are valid, or, you know, how I remember this really did happen.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: And it's important to re-engage with your own internal voice and your own instincts.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know, when when gaslighting is all about creating that sense of self-doubt.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: So re-engaging with your inner voice, knowing your truth and leaning into that.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, what we've talked about numerous times on this podcast is learning to set boundaries.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You do not owe anyone access to your thoughts or your emotions or um how you approach things.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody is repeatingly gaslighting you, it is absolutely okay to start setting boundaries with that person, whether it be emotionally or physically.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Boundaries are not necessarily walls, but they're absolutely gates and fences to say this is okay and this is not okay.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's also really important to just kind of put out there, and I said pop psychology before, you know, gaslighting trauma, triggers, those are common terms that are being used every day.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: And what is somewhat disheartening is that because they're being used, we're starting to lose their the importance of the words.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's really vital that we don't lose the importance of what trauma and what triggers and what gaslighting are about.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: We have to use the terms responsibly, but we also have to not shy away from using the terms when they are actually true.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because gaslighting is real.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Gaslighting can be absolutely dangerous to your own mental and emotional health.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it is so important that you're able to name it so that then once it's named and acknowledged, you can take values-based action to work through it and to take care of yourself and to heal from it.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to talk about how coaching can help you work through dynamics like this, where maybe you have been gaslit and you need to work through some of the false beliefs that have come out of that, or you'd like to just talk about how coaching can support you on your journey into what's next for you.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authenticme.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.