Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S6 Ep7: Married and Unfiltered: Real Talk 🤣

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S6 Ep7: Married and Unfiltered: Real Talk 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage?
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: I was up there one time, I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: I got a theory about that.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: That guy's wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: All cabbage oughta come with a label on it that says, This is not what your wife wants you to buy.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: 45 daggum minutes, I'm looking for yams.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: I can't find a daggum yam.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I come home.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: I said they ain't got no yams up there.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don't got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be right back.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm on a diet now, I'm eating nothing but fruit, loops, but my wife has me on a my wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheat day.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: One day a week.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Or anytime I drive by a fast food restaurant when she's not with me in the car.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's a stickler too, I'll tell you what.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: She'd be up here sleeping at 2:30 in the morning, and the dog goes down there, bark at the door for 10 minutes.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: She don't hear nothing.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: She's racked out.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go down there and let the dog out.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: So the next day I go down there, I'm kinda hungry.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: I pour a little bowl of Captain Crunch down there.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I hear it.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of Captain Crunch! What the hell?
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_01: I should have barked when I poured that Captain Crunch in there, but I shouldn't have done.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: It sucks getting old and fat, I'll tell you.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when my beard turned white and my my my wife is like trying to comfort me.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's okay, honey.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: Made me feel a little better.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: Then she goes, it's the corner in your teeth that's disgusting.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y'all believe I eat broccoli.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: All right, that's good saying that.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: You went upside down.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: I get done, I go, you didn't tell me you went upside down.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_01: The guy running it goes, it's not supposed to.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: How about that Ferris wheel?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: You like that Ferris wheel?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: Who me either.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, the Ferris wheel.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's a lot of fun, isn't it?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing I like better in the whole world than being completely bored and terrified at the same time.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: Which, by the way, is the same thing my wife told me on her honeymoon right there.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: You ever get stuck on the Ferris wheel?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_01: I was up here with my kids.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: We were stuck, they was crying, freaking out, trying to calm them down.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, kids.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: We'll be alright.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure that guy running it with seven fingers and a pentagram tattoo.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: All right, that'll sure.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas because she likes to go see the Chippendales.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know why she likes going to the Chippendales?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't marry very good.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: She married a Chunkendale.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: She gives me money to put my clothes back on, but she doesn't.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: I had to go get a flu shot one time.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't want to go to the doctor, and my wife goes, Well, shoot, run up to Walmart.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: They're giving flu shots.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't getting a flu shot at Walmart.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: That gum, normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: Get a flu shot at Walmart.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: The flu's the last thing I'm worried about at Walmart, all right?
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: That gum, they probably got Ebola behind a box in there somewhere I didn't know about.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: I was up there one time, there's a dude up front in a hazmat suit.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, is it safe to go in there?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, yeah, why?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I go, you're in a hazmat suit.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, I know I work here, I'm collecting the carts.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Anybody ever been to the fair on senior day?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: I went on senior day.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Most popular ride on senior day is the ambulance on the way out of the fair.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: There's one leaving the scrambler every two minutes in there.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: Best part about senior day, though, it only lasts from 3:30 to 5, so that's a good thing.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: They got special prizes on senior day.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: I saw an old guy bust a balloon with a dart and he won a pair of the pens with a picture of Deaf Leopard on it right there.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a big gambler.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: My grandma, holy Michael.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying she's addicted to blackjack, but she's got a medical alert bracelet on that says in case of emergency, split the kings.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Couple years ago, my grandma, uh, playing bingo at the fair, won her a spa package.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: But uh, I'll be honest, I think they gave her the wrong package.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, she said that uh she was able to tolerate the Botox, but uh during the Brazilian whack, she farted and blinded the attendant.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Be with the starving pigs again and again, baby.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I saw my grandma topless two weeks ago.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: That's the last time I let her drink before a concert.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: I'll take it out, man.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was embarrassing.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: It was windy out, so her b was flying around like one of them inflatable wind dancers in front of an oil chain shop, you know what I mean?
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: It is horrible.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: The Oak Ridge boys didn't even want to do an encore after they saw that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks a lot, Grandma.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: Your flappin' titties just cost me an encore of giddy up oompha mouth right there, all right.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of old folks down there branching riding them scooters down there.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: I find that crazy.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: These folks have lost their driver's license two decades ago, but they're gonna go ahead and let them have motorized vehicles in a room full of pedestrians at the buffets down there.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to get food that's zipping by like it's a drive-thru.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: I went up to get some potato salad.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: It was like I was in a live frogger game all of a sudden.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: He got a kid.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: I finally got hit head on by some old dude trying to text and drive.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: He trying to send a crop shot to Tinder, apparently.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's like getting a bill in the mail.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: I hate weddings.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: I was one a while back.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes, I ain't saying the bride was overweight, but my buddy caught the garter belt.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: He's still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup track.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: These were some big you should have seen the bridesmaids.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Their cursages was personal pan pizzas.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't kidding with.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: So he ended up having to use a can to fix a flat.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: I know, make a long story short, he overinflated and uh spent the rest of the night at Jeffy Lube having to get a patch put on him down there.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, this is crazy.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: True story, check this out.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: My mother-in-law last month won$400 in a hot dog eating contest.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: $400, 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes she ate.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't believe it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, she talked.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: She can talk.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: She's the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: All right, I guarantee you.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not a big gambler.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my my grandma, holy Michael.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying she's addicted at the blackjack, but she's got a medical alert bracelet on that says in case of emergency, split the kings.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas because she likes to go see the Chippendale.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know why she likes going to the Chippendale?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: She didn't marry very good.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: She married a Chunkendale.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: She gives me money to put my clothes back on, but she does.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I like going out there to Las Vegas.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you see all the 1970s, 80s classic rock bands singing out there.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: Now I like them bands.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, only difference between seeing them bands now and 30 years ago, 30 years ago go backstage, smell like pot everywhere.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Now it smells like pot and ben gay.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: You go back to them things.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: They all still got long hair, too, ain't that something?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Huh.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_01: Unfortunately, it's coming out their nose and ears on most of them fellas in there.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: How the Lord can create life.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's unbelievable.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: You just see that little baby's head pop out.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Your whole life is transformed and changed, and you just love it so much, and you cry.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: You know?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then ten years later, that same thing, you want to slap the living p out of it.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's unbelievable.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: The whole different.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when my little boy was born, I was scared to hit a speed bump leaving the hospital for fear his head would go like that and crack open or something.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: Here I am ten years later, driving down the interstate trying to drive, trying to get the perfect whack on the middle of his freaking head.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_01: And uh, my wife's like, be careful, you're gonna crash.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't give a s.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: I'll kill everybody in his car right now.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna care about.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I've had with him right now.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the Pope came out and said married couples should have more kids.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: That's easy for him to say.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: That gum Pope ain't got no kids.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: How about I drop my kids off in the Vatican for a couple hours?
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: How's that sound?
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly out of the Pope hat.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I never understood kidnapping.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: You wanna put up with this bullshit?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding me?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: Hold if you kidnap my kids, they'd be back on the porch in two days with an apology note strapped to the side of them.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, but I love them.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care what age it is.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: He put up with I love them so much, I tell you.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I was gonna homeschool my kids, and then my wife reminded me, uh, we're idiots.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, I was homeschooled, and I uh I loved it.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: I finished uh second in my class.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't until two years ago my mom told me that she'd made the dog valedictorian.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: I worry about my kids, though.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: They're so sweet.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: My little girl's such a sweetie, and my little boy's got a kind heart, and I just worry about bullies and you know, I was bullied by a fourth grader one time, and oh, I hated every minute of it.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I finally, I went home and told my wife she's gotta go pick the kids up because I can't hide it.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you laughed, they some big fourth graders out there.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, this girl, she wasn't small, I'll guarantee it.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: I remembered Father's Day and my kids.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, Father's Day is the biggest piece of holiday they got out there.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: That's where your wife and kids take your money and buy you a c you didn't want to begin with.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: But my kids, they're so sweet, they drew a picture of me and put we love you, daddy, on it.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_01: And which is awesome.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt so bad because instead of me going, man, I love my kids.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_01: This is all the only thing I could think when they give it to me was I'm not that fat, am I?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_01: And it bugged me, and I told them, kids, I like the picture, but I'm not that fat.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: And they're like, Yeah, you are.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, no, I'm not.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so they took the picture and held it up to my cell phone and it unlocked it.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_01: Took family vacation, everybody wants to go canoeing, which I didn't want to do.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_01: Canoeing's an old Indian word that means ballisters.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, canoeing's a lot of fun when you're a fat guy.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's a lot of fun right there.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: My little boy's in the front, I'm in the back, going down the river for five miles, popping a wheelie, going in circles.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: Got a catfish stuck to my nipple, I can't get it off of there.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, why do I gotta wear a life jacket?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_01: Because if this thing tips over, it'll keep you alive long enough for me to save the Kentucky fried chicken over there, all right?
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know what the difference between canoeing with your wife and canoeing with your little boy is?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: When you're done canoeing, your little boy is still talking to you.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: Three years old, he almost passed away.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: Honestly, he almost lost him on the toilet.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_01: He almost died on the toilet.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: Boy, what a way to go right there.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Can you imagine dying on the toilet?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, what do you say to the relatives?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's a way to make them feel better.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, that's a tough one, huh?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_01: Mrs.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Eagerhoff, we're we're real sorry here about Ed, man.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: That's but at least he died doing what he loved, you know.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: That's the thing.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_01: We heard he fought till the bitter end, and that's the thing.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: He he wasn't a quitter, so he got it out, and we're excited, and that's nice.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: We're gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: I read a story one time a fella got bit by a snake sitting on the toilet.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: He got interviewed and said, first thing I thought was I need to call animal control.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's the first thing he thought.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: If I got bit by something, first thing I'd think is, What the hell did I eat last night?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_01: That gum, my food's circling back on me here.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: But we almost lost my grandpa.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: He sat on one of them power flush toilets.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see them energy savers?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: You flush it, it's like go like that.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, if you sit on it flush, it'll put a hickey on your hind end, I guarantee you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_01: It will.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: But he sat on there, flushed it, boom, left nut down the drain.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't kidding me.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_01: True story.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_01: I wish it wasn't, but that's a true story.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to help him out.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to yank him off that thing right here.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's stuck in that little tube hole in there.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's like they gum stretch Armstrong, like and find it, it come loose slow motion right at my daggum head.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_01: It hits me, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: It was like them little knocker balls.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: You ever see them little knocker balls there?
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_01: Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Bloodied my daggum nose.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: My wife's like, what's going on in here?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, his twig and berries went MMA on me, is what happened in there.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: I've had it.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, God love him.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_01: My grandpa, alcoholic.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: We had a family reunion here a while back.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: We rarely get them, but we finally got everybody paroled at the same time, so he was able to do it.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: My family's on.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, what in the world?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: Don't even want to talk about them sometimes.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: My brother, he's all stressed out now because he's been reading the papers.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: He thinks he's gonna lose his job to a robot.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't have the heart to tell him if you look in his wife's drawer, he's already lost his job.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's true.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_01: My sister-in-law, she's about four foot ten, two hundred pounds.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: She used to model decoy stumps down here at Cabela's around a year ago.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_01: She had her stomach stapled last week.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: Uh another medically, she's at work and accidentally stapled some papers to her stomach.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: But my grandpa's an alcoholic, he's drunk at the reunion.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_01: I said, Grandpa, why do you drink so much?
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_01: She said, Look around, I'm responsible for all this.