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Seek To Understand Instead Of Trying To Be Understood · The Missing Secret Podcast

• 0:04
  Unknown: We believe life is precious. This is it. We've got one shot at this. It's on us to live life to the fullest to maximize what we've been given and play the game of life at our full potential. Are you living up to your potential? Are you frustrated that despite your best intentions, you just can't seem to make the changes needed to take things to the next level. So you can impact your career relationships and health. If this is hitting home, you're in the right place. Our mission is to open the door to the exceptional life by showing you how to play the game of life at a higher level. So you're playing at your full potential, rather than at a fraction as most people do. We'll share the one thing that once we learned it, our lives were transformed. And once you learn it, watch what happens.
• 0:58
  Welcome to think it be the podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield. Hey. And I'm John Michell. So Kelly, here's the topic this this week, see what you think about this?
• 1:11
  Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood. And as most people probably know, that's one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And I just finished reading that book for I don't know, I don't know, it's been a long time since I read it the first time, but just recently, I read it again. And it's such a profound concept, don't you think? Oh, yeah, absolutely. I can think when I reflect on some of the biggest
• 1:44
  wouldn't say mistakes, but I'll use that word, you know, the big, but it was when I didn't take the time to fully understand, you know, that seeking first to understand and either made a decision when I didn't have all the info Sumption about something because? Because I was too busy talking and wanting to be heard, you know, so, no, I love this topic. John, I'm so glad you brought it up today. Good, good. Well, you know, I think this is the biggest problem in America today. You know, I was watching the State of the Union address last week, and, you know, just the political discourse that we have. And and nobody makes the effort to see the other guy's point of view. And and I'll give you an example, that that probably would not be, would on the surface not be popular. But you know, when the challenges in the world today is what's happening in Ukraine? Well, had we ever actually thought about looking at this from Putin's standpoint, as as evil as he is?
• 2:56
  If you look at it, you know, he basically wants to
• 3:01
  recreate the Soviet Union.
• 3:04
  Well, what's wrong with that? From his perspective? You know, I mean, the Soviet Union broke up. He wants to put it back together. Does he have the right to do it? Well, maybe maybe I that's, that's wrong with the ambition, I guess. But it's it's the fact that we don't look at what the other guy's point of view now, the more you look at that particular situation,
• 3:36
  you can certainly see why you he wouldn't want NATO to be for Ukraine to be part of NATO, to be right on his border. You know, but we don't think about that.
• 3:50
  And, and that's just an example of so often and in life,
• 3:56
  we only focus on what our point of view is, and we don't make even make the effort to see what the other guy's point of view is. Do you agree with that? Yeah, I think that's an extreme
• 4:11
  example, I think if we want to bring it down to kind of a real,
• 4:16
  let's just talk about the dinner table. Yeah.
• 4:20
  Relatives. Right. Right. What I mean, and having a conversation around this topic, you know, we'll use the same topic, for example, everybody is so inflamed, you know, and giving their opinion. And nobody's stopping to say, Well, why do you feel that way? Or why you think that that's the way it is? Or, you know, what brought you to that conclusion? Or, like, those aren't the kinds of conversations again, seeking first to understand where they're coming from? Do they have the, you know, information, do they have the, the, you know, facts around it? Is it well thought out, or is it something that they're parroting off of, you know, a
• 5:00
  soundbite that they got, and they don't understand the depth of the the topic or the issue. You know. So I think really, you know, that, again, that seeking first to understand and asking questions around the dinner table, I mean, like, that's in terms of just bringing it down to the level that everybody deals with every day. That's what I think of when I think of seek first to understand because I can think of some heated discussions over the course of the last few years that have happened within laws with, you know, where we have very different ideology and
• 5:36
  and how differently those conversations could go, or could have gone. Had that, had I employed that, rather than getting emotional about a topic. Right. So anyway, well, you know, in in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he has a great line in there around this idea.
• 5:57
  He basically says, you know, when when you encounter somebody that has a different point of view than you do, he goes, Good, I'm glad that that you see this differently helped me understand your point of view, so that maybe I can learn and grow, you know, and and so that's a powerful thing. How many? How often in today's world, do you hear somebody say that? Yeah. Never, never talking about to defusing kind of a situation that could be adversarial and asking the question that way, that changes the entire Yeah, conversation, you know, and the energy in the conversation. Well, and you know, what, what we have today is, you know, one person says, their point of view, and then the other person says, their point of view, and it's like you're butting heads, and how powerful it is, if you really want to influence that other person. And in you make them you know, explain their point of view, oftentimes, I bet, they can't support their point of view. And as you you encourage them to do it. Now, you're going to open their mind, to whatever your point of view is. So you know, it's, it's a more effective way to get your point of view across by simply, you know, having them explain their other point of view. And, and I'm a big fan of in conversations, if somebody says something that I think's a good point, I think it's good to tell them. That's a good point. I never thought about that. Or, you know, I mean, people don't really do that. No, and I think to what's the number one thing that people want, they want to feel heard, and they want to feel seen, right. And I think through this technique of seeking first to understand and creating more influence, that's exactly what you're doing, you know, and you're doing it in a constructive way, you know, and then validating them, you know, and, and,
• 8:02
  you know, I think that
• 8:05
  if you can, the more naturally curious and the more you can train your brain and your subconscious, to get into this frame of mind, when you're in conversations where you actually are listening, more than you're talking, you're asking questions, and you take on this persona, or this identity of somebody who's just naturally curious, you're student of life.
• 8:30
  If you're just asking questions of people, you're beginning to understand things on a whole other level, rather than just like, you know, spewing information and, and letting your ego kind of run things. And I'm, you know, I know everything. And I'm important, and I think that can naturally happen. You know, if you're not careful, right, I think more than you're listening, right? I think, you know, it's also interesting if I mean, when somebody says something that's, that's, that catches your attention, that's, that's valid, it's good to call the attention to that. But I think as you listen to somebody's point of view, overall point of view on something that's different than yours.
• 9:15
  There's always something in there, that that you go, you know, that's a good point, that really, but But you never see ever see somebody in a in a back and forth go, you know, one of the things you said that was, is really a very valid point. And though and, you know, as soon as I hear that, they're going to be more open to what you have to say, and you might and you might have to say listen, you know, I see see it this way.
• 9:46
  Do you see anything and what I'm saying that seems valid? Well, you know, if if you've already opened that door, you know, they'll you know, you lead by example, they'll they'll see some
• 10:00
  Something in your point of view, and it's just a radically different way to have a conversation than, then is currently normal. And, and one of the things I'm trying to do with ginger is, you know, get in this habit of this type of thing and having this type of conversation and, and, you know, when she has a different point of view, literally say to her, you know, I see it differently, but help me help me to understand your point of view, and then get her going, because I see that, that I need that, that repetition to make, it really poured a part of me. So so how do you how would you make this more more part of you? So that happens more naturally? Yeah, I think we touched on this a little bit in one of our previous conversations and how I've employed this within my companies, where seeking first to understand let's talk about maybe there was a challenge, or there was a situation or there's a new project, or a new revenue stream, or thinking about implementing, or something along those lines, that's one of the first places we start is this idea of seeking first to understand, and looking at this one out, you know, we talked about the quality of questions, determines the quality of your life, the success in your business, those kinds of things. And so I think,
• 11:24
  practicing it, you know, through a process in with my companies has helped me implement that to into, you know, my personal life. And, you know, we've, we've talked about this before, also, but, you know, this could be as simple as, you know, a note that you've got, so the entry point, if you're not doing the full methodology, it could the entry point could be where the reminder that you're putting into your phone, or the weir or whatever, could just simply be, Seek first to understand or ask questions, you know, before like, for me, that's was my entry point to I began to ask questions, before I would answer anybody's questions, I would ask questions, I started to train my subconscious, to ask more questions and to be naturally curious. Right, right. You know, I and I know, I think we've talked about this before, but you know, one thing that's been foundationally a big deal in my life over the last month, is this idea of, of understanding why people are different than me. And I, again, I saw see, it comes down to three things, genetics, what has come into their consciousness, and whether they have estrogen or testosterone flowing through their veins, those three things cause them to be different than than me. And once you sort of see that, and none of those three things are anything they actually control. So they're not they're not different than me, by choice, is just that that's how God made him. And, you know, this has been so valuable to me to understand that, and I'm like, Well, you know, of course, they look at things different that, you know, they have different genetics, so you have
• 13:21
  different things that have come into their consciousness, why would I think they think like, I think, and so, this has been so,
• 13:31
  so helpful for me to let go of, because, you know, subconsciously, we don't like people that are different than we are, that's just human nature. But once you see that, they're not doing it intentionally, that they they're entitled to have, whatever their point of view is, it's as valid as our point of view. It just changes the dynamics, I think, I do too. And I think just that will the diversity, the breadth that what you're allowing, in the experience of being here in life, and understanding all different perspectives and viewpoints, and I'll play really quick on this, Seek first to understand this is a real, this can be a game changer for people, you know, in relationships. So whether it's with a parent, whether it's with a parent, whether it's with a
• 14:20
  you know, understanding their story, understanding where they have come from what's made them who they are. Yeah, so like, if with a challenging mother daughter relationship, let's say, you know, like, after you hear the story, and you're clear about their upbringing, and that you're like, Okay, so this isn't about me. Yeah, right. I mean, like, you know, this person, whoever did the best that they could or knew how to do. And that can free you is my point. I think understanding and seeking first to understand, can free a lot of people from this emotional stuff that they're carrying, that they've made about them somehow and it's not about them.
• 15:00
  All right. Well, you know, the way the way I apply this using our 12 minute a technique is I basically say in my visualization that
• 15:12
  I seek to understand before seeking to be understood. And I and I also say in there something about why why people are different than me, you know, just what I said a minute ago, genetics, what's coming into their consciousness and, and testosterone or estrogen.
• 15:35
  And, you know, it's just I've seen over the last month, the this be very impactful. And and now I've put it recently in my visualization to, to practice this more with ginger so that so that, you know, that repetition will will actually show up when I'm dealing with anybody. So be interested to hear what, how it all feels a month from now. And am I actually doing it with other people? Hopefully, it will be Yeah, well, I have to report back give us the scoop. I will, I will. Okay, well, I think that that tag gets it for today. So we'll see you until next time.
• 16:18
  Thanks for listening today. If you've had your own aha moment from today's episode, send me or John an email. We'd love to share your epiphany with our audience. So email us at Kelly@thinkitbeit.com or John@thinkitbeit.com. In the meantime, live the exceptional life.