Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Beyond Chores: Building Grit in Your Child's DNA | Ep. 110

Transcript

Beyond Chores: Building Grit in Your Child's DNA | Ep. 110 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Greetings, fellow parents, and welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:11
  I'm Cheryl Ang, your companion on this journey through the beautiful chaos of parenthood.
• 0:18
  Today we're diving back into the true heart of household responsibilities and the profound lesson they instill in our children of all ages, from teaching responsibility to nurturing self motivation, studies have shown that a child's success and flourishing in adulthood are closely tied to their engagement in plain old household chores.
• 0:45
  Join me as we swap stories, share tips, and navigate the day.
• 0:49
  Delicate balance between fostering independence and maintaining structure.
• 0:55
  All the while acknowledging the hard work that it takes for us, the parents.
• 1:02
  I'm thrilled to have you here.
• 1:05
  But before we begin, another quick note.
• 1:08
  During the recording of this episode, my mic decided to go on strike again.
• 1:14
  So thank you for your patience and understanding as we work through these technical hiccups.
• 1:20
  The good news is That I spoke with our IT team today, and they're planning to replace all the microphones and headsets.
• 1:29
  So this struggle should soon be a thing of the past.
• 1:34
  Thank you for bearing with us as we strive to bring you the best listening experience we can.
• 1:40
  Okay, let's go to work.
• 1:51
  Carol: Okay, Christy, you know we've been Talking about chores and household responsibilities and all of that.
• 1:58
  Carol: And even though Ellen is not back with us again today.
• 2:01
  Christie: Right.
• 2:02
  Carol: We'll get her back next week.
• 2:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:03
  Cheryl: Okay, so that'll be fun.
• 2:04
  Carol: last time we talked about that big secular study said when we look at people's lives
• 2:10
  Cheryl: there are two things in a person's childhood that have the biggest impact on, helping them become who they are as adults, and particularly adults that are flourishing and doing well
• 2:25
  Carol: being loved is the number one influencing factor
• 2:30
  Christie: Right.
• 2:31
  Carol: And the second key factor was a work ethic
• 2:35
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:36
  Carol: And then when they expanded they said, actually it's kids who do chores and work at home.
• 2:42
  Carol: Okay.
• 2:42
  Carol: Develops the things.
• 2:44
  Carol: That make them successful adults
• 2:47
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:48
  Cheryl: I was thinking about All of our lifetime of it, because if you look back over your lifetime, I mean, there's been a lot of fun,
• 2:55
  Christie: Right.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: but there's just a lot of work.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: It just consumes a lot of our life.
• 2:59
  Cheryl: So, I remember one time, and, uh, probably may have told the story on the podcast, I don't remember, but, um, we lived in Georgia, and we lived in a beautiful place, everything in Georgia is beautiful, but they never had
• 3:14
  Carol: snow And so there was actually a little bit of snow in the, in the forecast.
• 3:20
  Carol: And so we did big whole house cleaning on Friday afternoon.
• 3:26
  Carol: The kids really worked hard and had chores that they had to do and follow through.
• 3:31
  Carol: I think maybe they were like nine and eleven.
• 3:36
  Carol: So by then they really knew how to do so many things.
• 3:39
  Carol: It wasn't a training period anymore.
• 3:41
  Carol: And so, we were also trying to help them learn time management and self motivation, okay?
• 3:50
  Carol: Mm hmm.
• 3:51
  Carol: So, We had the chores for the afternoon and they knew what they had to do and they chose to play instead.
• 4:01
  Carol: Oh.
• 4:02
  Carol: And I said, you all, you realize tomorrow's Saturday.
• 4:06
  Cheryl: Daddy's off work.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: We usually have a fun
• 4:08
  Carol: play day and there's even a hint of snow in the forecast.
• 4:12
  Carol: Don't you want to get this done today?
• 4:14
  Carol: And they go, Oh no, this is a lot more fun.
• 4:17
  Carol: We'll just give up our Saturday morning.
• 4:19
  Carol: We don't care.
• 4:20
  Carol: Oh, wow.
• 4:21
  Carol: So I said, Oh, okay.
• 4:22
  Carol: So.
• 4:23
  Carol: By this time, we were beginning to put those things on their shoulders.
• 4:27
  Carol: You manage your time, your ways.
• 4:30
  Carol: I don't care as long as you get it done Right.
• 4:33
  Carol: But you're gonna get it done.
• 4:34
  Carol: Right.
• 4:34
  Carol: So, believe it or not, I think we had like 5 inches of snow, 5 or 6 inches.
• 4:40
  Carol: Oh, man.
• 4:41
  Carol: Oh, it was gorgeous with all the pine trees and it, I'm telling you, it never snows.
• 4:46
  Carol: Mm hmm.
• 4:47
  Carol: Georgia, well, when the kids woke up, they're going, Yes! And they're running and they're so they were just layering it up.
• 4:53
  Carol: So they were layering it up and Mom, where are the gloves?
• 4:57
  Carol: And I just said, Where are y'all going?
• 4:59
  Carol: And they go, Mom, we're going to go build a snowman.
• 5:02
  Carol: And Dad's got the sled out.
• 5:04
  Carol: Oh, man.
• 5:06
  Carol: And I go, thank you so much for this opportunity.
• 5:10
  Carol: And I just, I said, y'all, you, did you finish your chores yesterday?
• 5:15
  Carol: Oh, mom, no You can't be the Grinch that stole Christmas.
• 5:19
  Carol: Please, no.
• 5:20
  Carol: Kids, and I looked at Bill and he said, Nope, you didn't get it done.
• 5:24
  Carol: Wow.
• 5:24
  Carol: You've got to finish.
• 5:25
  Cheryl: Remember, this was your choice.
• 5:27
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 5:28
  Cheryl: And they go, Oh, okay.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: I mean.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: Oh, the fastest chores ever.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: Fastest ever.
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Well done, because they didn't want to be called back out.
• 5:36
  Cheryl: Right.
• 5:37
  Cheryl: But what a great learning opportunity.
• 5:39
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:40
  Cheryl: I couldn't have
• 5:40
  Christie: paid.
• 5:41
  Christie: That's amazing.
• 5:42
  Christie: I, I have to confess, I would have had a really hard time holding them to it, but it wasn't the whole day.
• 5:48
  Christie: I mean, no, no.
• 5:49
  Carol: I knew that they would do like this.
• 5:51
  Carol: I knew they would speed through it and get it done.
• 5:54
  Carol: And I bet they
• 5:55
  Christie: remembered that's probably stuck with them.
• 5:57
  Christie: I can guarantee you,
• 5:59
  Carol: if you ask the two of them, they would talk about being robbed, except maybe they're old enough now to know, wow.
• 6:05
  Carol: Look what my parents did Yes, but that's like our best.
• 6:08
  Carol: That's
• 6:10
  Christie: fantastic.
• 6:11
  Christie: Yeah, that
• 6:12
  Cheryl: you go.
• 6:12
  Cheryl: This is the way I want to talk
• 6:13
  Christie: about natural consequences.
• 6:14
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:15
  Christie: Oh, well, that's a neat story.
• 6:17
  Christie: I think, you know, natural consequences are my best friend.
• 6:22
  Christie: I mean, in that in that situation, you did have to little bit be the bad guy.
• 6:26
  Christie: But a lot of times they just eliminate you from the equation when you're just I'm so sorry for your situation.
• 6:32
  Christie: Oh,
• 6:32
  Cheryl: it is really hard.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: And that's you.
• 6:34
  Cheryl: Maybe what we can talk about today is, it isn't all, Oh, let's go do our chores.
• 6:41
  Christie: Yeah! Whistle while you work.
• 6:43
  Christie: Skip to get the
• 6:43
  Cheryl: broom.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: No.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: It is not.
• 6:45
  Cheryl: There are, there are a lot of reasons why we don't all follow through and do them the way we would like to do them in our homes.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: So last time we tried to convince parents, there's so many really deep character qualities that have been proven.
• 7:00
  Carol: that develop through doing regular home responsibilities.
• 7:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 7:05
  Carol: Okay, but then today, let's talk about Why we don't do it.
• 7:08
  Carol: What are some of the challenges because they're like just what we just talked about.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: It's sometimes really hard.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: It was hard for me to stand against my children's fun and Bill too.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: We had to go in the other room and talk about it because both of us.
• 7:26
  Cheryl: Wanted them to go out and have a good time.
• 7:28
  Cheryl: Sure.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: And then, but we said, no, we can't let this slip through our fingers.
• 7:33
  Cheryl: And besides, we knew they would knock it out in record time.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 7:36
  Christie: Yeah.
• 7:36
  Christie: Anyway.
• 7:37
  Christie: Well, yeah, I mean, I think the thing is work isn't fun.
• 7:42
  Christie: No.
• 7:43
  Christie: And if you're a fun lover, like I am, and I know my kids are, then it's just if you already don't want to do the work, or would rather be doing something more fun, then it's hard to convince them that, No, this
• 7:56
  Cheryl: is a good thing.
• 7:57
  Cheryl: And they've heard me say 10, 000 times, let's work hard so we can play hard, because In my marriage, there were two different approaches to work.
• 8:08
  Cheryl: And one was yours.
• 8:10
  Cheryl: Let's play really hard until we have to work.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 8:13
  Cheryl: And mine was, let's work really fast and efficiently.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Get it out of the way.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: And then we're free forever.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:20
  Christie: We're a little bit of a house divided like that, too.
• 8:22
  Christie: Where, yeah.
• 8:24
  Christie: And, you know, I think there's compromise that can happen.
• 8:27
  Christie: But it is...
• 8:29
  Christie: It's hard to convince them that you really are the adult here and you know what's best and we, we do need to do the chores
• 8:36
  Carol: so what is you look at it, just this whole concept of being the parent that has to orchestrate, be the energy behind it and the follow through.
• 8:46
  Carol: Without any thanks whatsoever, what are some of the challenges that the parents are going to say, this is what makes it hard?
• 8:54
  Christie: Yeah, well, I think one thing we talked about, um, last time was that sometimes the fruit doesn't happen for a long time, that their attitudes may not change for quite that long.
• 9:05
  Christie: a while if maybe sometimes ever under your roof.
• 9:08
  Christie: You may just have some people in your house that have a temperament of never really seeing the value of getting a job done well.
• 9:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, it's a resistance.
• 9:17
  Cheryl: And you know, it's just hard you can get worn down and certainly as a single widowed parent.
• 9:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:26
  Cheryl: They could wear me down if I didn't stand my ground because you do get tired I don't know many parents who've ever said, Oh, I can't believe my children just keep thanking me for giving them more to do and to making them work hard.
• 9:40
  Cheryl: And it just is not.
• 9:42
  Cheryl: And the natural temperament of children to do that.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: So um, there's that resistance and that's why we want to kind of give a big picture to encourage parents to remember there's all these good reasons when
• 9:57
  Carol: they're pushing back.
• 9:59
  Christie: Right.
• 10:00
  Christie: And our inner child wants to give in and we just have to step up and be the grown up in the room.
• 10:06
  Christie: And um, and you know, I think.
• 10:08
  Christie: A big part of that, uh, hesitancy to make them do hard things for me was, I have always struggled with just wanting to make my kids happy.
• 10:18
  Christie: It's a really hard thing for me.
• 10:20
  Christie: I mean, I've grown in it over the years, but especially when they were little, you know, if they had a good, and my girls were always good at, Logical reasoning of why they shouldn't have to do something.
• 10:30
  Christie: They could convince me sometimes, but you know, I just, I thought, oh, is this too harsh?
• 10:35
  Christie: Are they, am I being too hard on them?
• 10:37
  Christie: Should I not have them do so much?
• 10:39
  Christie: Or, oh, maybe I should just do it for them so they don't have to worry about it.
• 10:43
  Christie: And maybe that came from a good motive, but it just doesn't pan out well in the
• 10:47
  Cheryl: end.
• 10:48
  Cheryl: I really identify with that.
• 10:50
  Cheryl: Okay, because I wanted happy children and harmony and I wanted my children saying, No, no, no, I'll sweep the floor, right?
• 10:57
  Cheryl: You just go sit down.
• 10:58
  Cheryl: So both of us, that is a real struggle that we as parents have to
• 11:04
  Carol: follow through
• 11:05
  Cheryl: And I will tell you, Christy, have a lot of compassion for all the single parents out there.
• 11:12
  Christie: yeah.
• 11:13
  Cheryl: Because You're just one being the one single person being hard on your children, and you're having to stand against all the pushback
• 11:27
  Christie: all the time.
• 11:27
  Christie: And who wants to be the bad guy?
• 11:29
  Christie: That's right.
• 11:29
  Christie: Nobody wants to be the bad
• 11:31
  Cheryl: guy.
• 11:31
  Cheryl: And so I'm going to speak to the rest of you.
• 11:35
  Cheryl: If you have single parents in your life, please.
• 11:40
  Cheryl: Encourage them, because you're right, they have to be so much the bad guy all the time.
• 11:47
  Cheryl: It's sometimes very discouraging to find any good guy opportunities.
• 11:52
  Cheryl: Or, You go the path of least resistance, and you start being the fun mom and the
• 12:01
  Carol: Disneyland dad and that does your children no service whatsoever.
• 12:06
  Carol: So,
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Stand with your friends that are single, because they need you.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: They need a community of friends.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: I mean, that's not directly to this, but it is very related to a
• 12:17
  Christie: very helpful reminder to be a supportive friend, or whoever it is in your life that could use somebody to link arms with
• 12:24
  Carol: them.
• 12:25
  Carol: Mm hmm.
• 12:26
  Carol: And just, All of us need that encouragement to get back into the battle of whatever it is we're doing because parenting is hard.
• 12:33
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:34
  Cheryl: But it's wonderful and it's the most amazing opportunity ever.
• 12:39
  Yeah.
• 12:39
  Christie: It's hard.
• 12:40
  Christie: It so is.
• 12:41
  Christie: I think, you know, going back a little bit to what we were saying, And what we've said before, too, here on the podcast, you've said it for years, require, don't remind.
• 12:52
  Christie: Yes.
• 12:52
  Christie: I think that is a good friend to have a good saying to have in your home or to yourself, it just kind of takes you out of the equation a little bit more.
• 13:02
  Christie: If you can just say, this is the
• 13:04
  Cheryl: expectation.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: So expand a little bit on that because you're right.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: I have said it forever.
• 13:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:10
  Christie: Instead of.
• 13:11
  Christie: You know, begging your kids to do something or nagging them.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: Take the trash out.
• 13:16
  Cheryl: Take the trash out.
• 13:17
  Cheryl: Feed the dog.
• 13:18
  Cheryl: Feed the dog.
• 13:18
  Christie: Instead, this is the expectation or the requirement.
• 13:22
  Christie: And don't, don't remind again.
• 13:24
  Christie: Don't nag again.
• 13:25
  Christie: Don't keep, you know, on them, but instead have a, either a natural consequence, you know, a lot of things are built in, like we were saying, or this is this is the consequence I'm placing on if this doesn't get followed through,
• 13:37
  Carol: I think that may be a simple huge answer in all of this that we're talking about.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: Because it takes the emotion out of it.
• 13:45
  Cheryl: It takes the emotion out of it, and you've talked about it up front.
• 13:48
  Cheryl: I mean, a silly example.
• 13:51
  Cheryl: We would do our Friday chores like I mentioned, and then as the family grew, we had a whole list and it's a whole thing we did where we gave certain numbers to the harder chores or like Cleaning the trash can got a real high number to it because nobody wants to do that, you know, and sweeping off the mats got a one.
• 14:12
  Cheryl: And so we just split it all up and then everybody had certain numbers they had to get.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: And then, I started seeing dawdling in it.
• 14:20
  Cheryl: So I decided to...
• 14:23
  Cheryl: Make a higher reward.
• 14:24
  Cheryl: So, we didn't do a lot of sugar, but I bought a box of, um, ice cream sandwiches.
• 14:33
  Cheryl: And I said, at 5 o'clock, ice cream sandwiches would be split.
• 14:38
  Cheryl: So everybody who's done, everybody who's checked off on their list, they can have ice cream sandwiches.
• 14:43
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's great.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: So it really worked real well as an artificial reinforcer.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:49
  Cheryl: You know, and there was some that never got ice cream sandwiches.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:53
  Cheryl: They just plotted along, not incapable, but
• 14:57
  Christie: We had a lot of similarities in that.
• 15:00
  Christie: I mean, we had a similar approach.
• 15:02
  Christie: I feel like we did a million different things because some things always not working.
• 15:06
  Christie: So
• 15:06
  Cheryl: this is the only one formula that works
• 15:09
  Christie: Yes
• 15:09
  Cheryl: in all my 10 million years of parenting.
• 15:12
  Cheryl: This is the one formula that actually worked.
• 15:16
  Cheryl: Now we find something like that.
• 15:18
  Cheryl: We tweaked it, but we used it all the way through until there was only A couple of us at home.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Well, we
• 15:25
  Christie: had, somebody had the great idea.
• 15:27
  Christie: It was real crafty on a little paint stick with a ribbon and it had clothespins.
• 15:31
  Christie: So it was real cute, which I always love something that's cute like that, but we would write our responsibilities on one side of the clothespin.
• 15:38
  Christie: And then when everybody's clothespin or when your clothespin were clothespins were flipped, we after school, we would watch TV, you know, they got to turn on the TV.
• 15:48
  Christie: And so I can remember a lot of times though, somebody's clothespins not being flipped and they would have to miss the first part of the show and they're kind of sweeping, looking around the corner.
• 15:59
  Christie: I'm like, no, you've got to finish.
• 16:00
  Christie: And so, yeah, I think having something like that, that's rewarding and something to look forward to, it keeps you from having to nag on them
• 16:08
  Cheryl: about things.
• 16:08
  Cheryl: And I don't mind things being fun.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: So, there's a reward system to it.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: I want to be careful, though, that it's not a bribery I think the character traits we talked about last time aren't going to be as developed if there's too heavy a reward and that, you know, you swept the floor, you know, whatever, now you can play games for 10 hours.
• 16:32
  Cheryl: I think there needs to be, I like.
• 16:34
  Cheryl: A mindset All that big picture, part of life is working and we're doing this and They're too young to think that hard work is its own reward, it actually is.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: But, not trying to say that to them, but to show them, let's work hard together and then do some motivations.
• 16:54
  Christie: Right.
• 16:55
  Christie: Well, and I remember when we were doing allowances for a while, attached to their um, chores.
• 17:03
  Christie: Some, some chores didn't get allowance.
• 17:05
  Christie: Some chores were just, you just need to do this.
• 17:08
  Christie: You know, we didn't pay for brushing your teeth or you know, whatever the basic needs of your life are.
• 17:12
  Christie: And so I like what you're saying about, you know, they're not gonna appreciate, you know, just doing it because for the sake of doing it, but some things don't need to be rewarded.
• 17:22
  Christie: We don't have to reward to death to get them to do the things they
• 17:25
  Cheryl: need to do.
• 17:25
  Cheryl: Well, the problem is if you make it more like a job, Because if I'm working for someone and he's expecting me, um, to wash 10 million dishes by hand in an hour, all I have to do is quit.
• 17:43
  Cheryl: And so we were cautious about linking too much reward and certainly financial reward like an allowance to doing the chores.
• 17:52
  Cheryl: Because as they got older, and you were talking about your kids being able to argue with you, to say, look, I'd rather not have the money.
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Yeah, some kids, it's
• 18:00
  Christie: just not a motivator.
• 18:01
  Cheryl: Nah, nah, I don't
• 18:02
  want
• 18:03
  Christie: the money.
• 18:03
  Christie: Yeah, we ran into that sometimes where they were just like, I'm not interested.
• 18:06
  Christie: Thank you, but no thank
• 18:07
  Cheryl: you.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: So I like to keep it more, no, we will do all of this.
• 18:11
  Cheryl: And then we blessed outside of that, like if you do extra.
• 18:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:16
  Cheryl: Like clean the refrigerator.
• 18:18
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:18
  Cheryl: That would be
• 18:19
  Carol: a paid, chore or certain jobs out raking leaves or whatever.
• 18:25
  Carol: It could be extra for things.
• 18:28
  Carol: Yeah.
• 18:29
  Carol: One of the challenges we've alluded to it a little bit, is conflict.
• 18:34
  Carol: It's related having my children have to work together and as a family, produce friction and conflicts a lot rather than Harmony of families doing things together.
• 18:46
  Carol: And I had to be motivated, Christy, like we're talking about, to muscle through it, because the conflict made me want to go.
• 18:56
  Cheryl: Just, I'll just do it
• 18:57
  Christie: myself.
• 18:57
  Christie: Right.
• 18:58
  Christie: Yeah, the temptation is just to eliminate the issue and if the chore is the issue, I'll just do it.
• 19:03
  Christie: You guys go play.
• 19:04
  Christie: It's quicker and faster and done better anyway.
• 19:06
  Christie: I
• 19:06
  Cheryl: mean, I've heard so many
• 19:08
  Carol: parents tell me that.
• 19:09
  Carol: Like, I'm so tired of the pushback.
• 19:12
  Carol: I'm so tired.
• 19:13
  Carol: The mother yesterday used the word lip.
• 19:15
  Cheryl: You know, the disrespect.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:17
  Cheryl: That I just rather do the dishes myself.
• 19:19
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:20
  Cheryl: But
• 19:20
  Christie: that's the whole purpose of all of this is to get all of those things that are in their hearts revealed so that we know what we're dealing with and then helping them to, you know, find some motivation and some, some passion for the transforming of their heart.
• 19:37
  Christie: Which is not always the case.
• 19:39
  Carol: And isn't it crazy that washing dishes can be a part of that?
• 19:43
  Carol: Because otherwise, we're saying, when you, long term, you have that attitude and show disrespect and push back, and then you don't have to contribute.
• 19:52
  Carol: You can get away from things.
• 19:53
  Carol: Right.
• 19:54
  Carol: You get to
• 19:54
  Christie: walk away.
• 19:55
  Christie: And they learn that really quick if they get away with, you know, not having to do things.
• 20:00
  Christie: And I know you and I both, Could say we've had our older kids come back and say, I hated it at the time, but I'm so glad that you worked through that.
• 20:08
  Christie: And there were a lot of areas that I abandoned ship and took the reins because I just didn't want to deal with it.
• 20:13
  Christie: And I probably missed out on a lot of opportunities to help them with working through those things at the
• 20:18
  Carol: time.
• 20:19
  Cheryl: I know I didn't know all of this, but I'm so glad because as adults, all of them know how to clean well, correctly, even efficiently, whether they do it or
• 20:29
  Carol: not.
• 20:29
  Carol: And maybe some of the
• 20:33
  Cheryl: character qualities
• 20:34
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:35
  Christie: Yeah, one of the things our girls all have had to buy their own cars, we have them buy their own cars and it usually, um, you know, a summer of working a job for the summer, they give up their free time or their sleep or whatever.
• 20:51
  Christie: They've managed to do it and some have taken longer than others and you know, it's a little disappointing when they look at the calendar like, Oh, I wish I would have had a car by now, but they might've spent some of their money.
• 21:03
  Christie: And so those things are lessons too.
• 21:05
  Christie: But all of my kids who have gone into adulthood now have come back and said they really did appreciate that, which I, that was the thing I had a really hard time with is making them work.
• 21:16
  Carol: through that, but nice sweet fruit.
• 21:18
  Carol: How nice you got to taste it.
• 21:20
  Carol: That's early in your life.
• 21:22
  Carol: Yeah, that's wonderful.
• 21:23
  Christie: You know, I think one of The hardest things for me, and I think a lot of parents, just hearing and talking with them is the quality of work that our kids can bring to a task is not always the quality that we would give to a task.
• 21:37
  Christie: And that can be a big deterrent, too, for parents wanting to give the responsibilities to their kids.
• 21:44
  Christie: Because sometimes you just want something done the way you want it done.
• 21:48
  Christie: That's right.
• 21:48
  Christie: It
• 21:50
  Carol: is hard.
• 21:51
  Carol: You know?
• 21:51
  Carol: Do you accept something poorly done or as they're learning, that's the thing.
• 21:56
  Cheryl: Right.
• 21:57
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 21:58
  Cheryl: If I had my 17 year old just unload the dishwasher, he's should do a good job.
• 22:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:04
  Cheryl: But since that's the Nature of it is it continues to grow.
• 22:09
  Cheryl: Oh, you're really good at dishwasher.
• 22:10
  Cheryl: Now you have to learn how to hand wash pots and pans.
• 22:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:14
  Cheryl: Now you have to learn how to, and it just gets.
• 22:16
  Cheryl: So you're
• 22:16
  Christie: always putting them in, in positions of not really knowing how to do the task super well.
• 22:21
  Christie: And yeah, I, I would take the things that really mattered.
• 22:26
  Christie: Like obviously some things like.
• 22:29
  Christie: handling meat or, you know, things that are a safety issue would be my jobs that had to be done you know, to my standard.
• 22:36
  Christie: Um, but gosh, I mean, I remember the temptation of when my kids were young of wanting to just go in and redo a task or complain or Criticized how they had done it and the little faces of discouraged looks that I can just see in my face when I would say, ah, you know, they could tell I was frustrated or I would redo it in front of them.
• 23:01
  Christie: And I hate those moments when I think about doing that because I know that that robbed them of their confidence and then they're less likely to try hard.
• 23:10
  Carol: Well, and I did okay on the young ones, because if you see a little one sweeping the floor, There's a trick to it, to using the dustpan, angling it and so forth and teaching them to do that.
• 23:24
  Carol: I had the patience for that What bothered me is when they're older and more capable and they did a sloppy job.
• 23:33
  Carol: I had a hard time of being the patient, kind, follow through parent on that.
• 23:37
  Carol: Now,
• 23:38
  Christie: do you think there's a difference between sloppy work and just someone who's Not skilled at something?
• 23:46
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 23:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:47
  Cheryl: you were talking about even being little and not capable, unskilled.
• 23:52
  Cheryl: They, I have, I was given patience for that.
• 23:55
  Cheryl: But it's hard.
• 23:57
  Christie: When it's just half
• 23:57
  Cheryl: hearted.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: And you fight him on so many fronts, and then now you walk in and the kitchen, there's standing water on the counter, and there's still food in the sink, and then things are not even loaded in the dishwasher.
• 24:12
  Cheryl: And now I have to go back and find them, and go through all that I'm going to have to...
• 24:19
  Christie: Or even worse, they leave the house, like, there's nothing that gets me fuming more than I say, this needs to be done before you leave the house.
• 24:27
  Christie: Yes.
• 24:27
  Christie: And then I go in, they've already left, and it's halfway done, and I'm thinking...
• 24:31
  Christie: They're gone for the night.
• 24:33
  Christie: You know, what do I do?
• 24:34
  Christie: Call them home from whatever they were at.
• 24:36
  Christie: Oh, it's so frustrating.
• 24:37
  Carol: So these are the reasons, parents.
• 24:40
  Carol: We understand why.
• 24:41
  Carol: Yeah.
• 24:42
  Carol: It's hard to stand your ground And we want to say in all of this grace.
• 24:47
  Carol: Sure.
• 24:47
  Carol: Okay.
• 24:48
  Carol: But we're saying pass giving appropriate grace.
• 24:51
  Carol: Right.
• 24:51
  Carol: This is where our commitment to what's best for them.
• 24:56
  Carol: Because it's not about the kitchen sink.
• 24:58
  Carol: Absolutely.
• 24:59
  Carol: And it's not about that bathroom.
• 25:01
  Carol: It's really about Investing in our children, using this area for them to become adults of quality and character.
• 25:10
  Christie: Yeah, yeah, because that, that moment where I walk in and I realize they've already gone to the such and such, and the task isn't done to what I know they're capable of.
• 25:22
  Christie: Most of those conversations following have not been about how you wipe down a kitchen counter.
• 25:28
  Christie: They know how to wipe down a kitchen counter.
• 25:29
  Christie: So those conversations are typically about...
• 25:31
  Christie: Respect and consideration for me, for their home, you know, because that's the heart issue behind it.
• 25:39
  Christie: It's not about, about the task at
• 25:42
  Carol: hand.
• 25:42
  Cheryl: Absolutely
• 25:43
  Carol: And integrity of leaving when you knew better Mm hmm.
• 25:48
  Carol: Uh, they're very good at saying all of this, you're gonna take away that because I just didn't wipe down the kitchen counter well enough.
• 25:57
  Carol: Right?
• 25:57
  Carol: That's the kind of conversation.
• 26:00
  Carol: Don't get sucked up in that.
• 26:01
  Carol: Mm-Hmm, Okay.
• 26:02
  Carol: Parents try to keep the big picture while you're having the small conversations that's really good.
• 26:08
  Carol: There just really is a lot of conflict and it's really easy.
• 26:12
  Carol: This mom that I was.
• 26:14
  Carol: Talking about last time just gets pulled into those conversations and suddenly it does sound really trivial That because they didn't pick up their makeup off the counter in the bathroom such and such, whatever it is Come on, mom, right?
• 26:32
  Cheryl: I just encourage you parents, stick with it Yeah.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: It matters that's why I had to be prepared, like you're saying, fuming.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: I had to have my attitude right.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: So I wasn't snarky at them or disrespectful to them.
• 26:47
  Cheryl: And then just
• 26:48
  Carol: stayed committed but kind Yeah.
• 26:51
  Carol: With our conversations.
• 26:53
  Christie: Yeah, I think you talking about this and the older kids especially is making me think of the, uh, Scheduling of our kids, the time management of our kids is a big factor in this too.
• 27:08
  Christie: Yes, absolutely.
• 27:09
  Christie: When you factor in school and activities and all the things that come into play, that can be hard whenever you know they had practice at four and they've got a, you know, an assignment due in the morning and holding them to that.
• 27:23
  Christie: So I think that's where we have to be really intentional on our expectations.
• 27:27
  Christie: Maybe After they've already been trained in something, you do say, okay, this is a heavy lifting year for school.
• 27:36
  Christie: I will take on your laundry, but not to the point where they're free from responsibilities, but you're being a blessing to them to serve them in a way, but not eliminating their weight.
• 27:48
  Christie: Does that
• 27:48
  Carol: make sense?
• 27:49
  Carol: It makes great sense and over commitment and time management Parents and children.
• 27:55
  Carol: And so we have to watch our time commitment, but I do want to say.
• 28:00
  Carol: Yes, this is where we have to be flexible and gracious with reality.
• 28:06
  Carol: And I remember one of mine had, when he got commitments during the evenings, because my kids did the kitchen every night.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: That was the job all the way through the years.
• 28:15
  Cheryl: And as they grew older, people had more responsibility.
• 28:19
  Cheryl: But when he had commitments on the nights and couldn't do it, then we flipped, so we started being, okay, you...
• 28:26
  Cheryl: are free these nights, but you have to take on more, so, um.
• 28:31
  Cheryl: This is where grace comes in, looking at the big picture, not getting pulled in by the details.
• 28:39
  Christie: Yeah, we had the same thing with my kids.
• 28:41
  Christie: Once they started turning 16, they would get part time jobs.
• 28:45
  Christie: And at that point, they're not, they've already been trained on everything in the household.
• 28:49
  Christie: So they, I would do more of the work at home than I had in years past because they were applying those quality skills in the world.
• 28:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 28:57
  Christie: So,
• 28:58
  Carol: so we've got to wrap this up, parents, we just want to encourage you there.
• 29:03
  Carol: This is an area that really matters, but you can get bogged down in the details.
• 29:08
  Carol: Don't get consumed by the details, but the details matter.
• 29:11
  Carol: It's like cleaning the kitchen, right?
• 29:12
  Carol: You don't want to take all your time, but it really matters.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: That the kitchen's clean, you know, and the sink is clean.
• 29:19
  Christie: Right
• 29:21
  Cheryl: Hey, Christy, thanks so much.
• 29:22
  Cheryl: Of course.
• 29:23
  Cheryl: And look forward to next time.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 29:25
  Carol: So parents remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 29:38
  As we wrap up this episode of the Parenting Podcast, I hope our focus discussion on household chores has left you feeling motivated.
• 29:48
  Remember, instilling responsibility and fostering independence in our children all across their childhoods isn't just about maintaining a clean house or honing their skills.
• 30:02
  It's actually about shaping their character and nurturing their lifelong flourishing as individuals.
• 30:09
  So, before we part ways, let me ask you a question.
• 30:14
  Considering that favorite parenting mantra of mine.
• 30:18
  Require, don't remind?
• 30:21
  What kind of grade would you give yourself?
• 30:25
  Perhaps, um, a minus or a D plus?
• 30:30
  Now, reflecting on this, where do you find yourself struggling the most?
• 30:36
  Is it in setting up clear expectations and requirements?
• 30:40
  Or, do you often find yourself nagging rather than requiring?
• 30:48
  Honestly, too often I simply just bounce back and forth between the two, ending probably somewhere around a B, B I'd love to hear about your evaluation and thoughts.
• 31:03
  Reach out to us through our website, DM us, or text us at contact at the parenting podcast dot com.
• 31:11
  Join us next time as we delve into the importance of parental self care.
• 31:17
  Until then, continue nurturing love and resilience in your home, and remember, with TPP, you are never alone on this parenting journey.