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Should you EVER forgive a narcissist under ANY circumstances? · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on? Beautiful.
• 0:01
  People, today we're going to be answering the question.
• 0:05
  Should you? Ever, ever forgive a narcissist.
• 0:11
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
• 0:12
  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
• 0:15
  another episode of The Narcissist Code.
• 0:34
  So boom. Welcome back folks, welcome
• 0:36
  back, welcome back. Yes, yes, yes.
• 0:38
  The question of the. Hour.
• 0:40
  Question of the day. The question.
• 0:43
  Of all questions, what kind of bear is best?
• 0:47
  It's ridiculous question. False Black bear?
• 0:51
  Yeah. What's going on?
• 0:52
  But yeah, that's a y'all. If y'all don't know what the
• 0:55
  office is, I don't know. I don't know how I can help you.
• 0:58
  I don't know what I can do for you and what not.
• 1:00
  But yes. That's the question.
• 1:02
  Should you ever forgive a narcissist?
• 1:04
  What are you? What are your thoughts?
• 1:05
  What are your thoughts on the conversation?
• 1:06
  Let me guess, no. Hell no, Lee, I'm unfollowing
• 1:11
  you. I thought you were here to help
• 1:13
  Lee. To hell with you.
• 1:14
  Burn Narcissist. Demon, you're robot.
• 1:18
  Well, seriously. Should you?
• 1:23
  I'm going to say most. Times the answer to their
• 1:25
  question is going to be absolutely not.
• 1:27
  So I agree with most everybody except for the narcissistic
• 1:30
  demon part and the insults I feel like are going to be lashed
• 1:33
  at me for just even doing this video.
• 1:37
  Most of most of the times. I'm going to say 99% of the time
• 1:40
  the answer to the. Question is going to be no, you
• 1:42
  should not forgive them. You should whatever they've done
• 1:45
  to you. They will do again.
• 1:47
  I will say that whatever they've done to you, whatever I'm not
• 1:50
  going to say, whatever you've accepted, whatever they've.
• 1:52
  Done. Done.
• 1:52
  To you, whatever they put you through all this.
• 1:55
  That and the third. They're going to probably do it
• 1:57
  again. Let's just keep it real.
• 1:59
  Let's keep it high. They're going.
• 2:00
  To do it again because. Lee, how do you know your wife
• 2:03
  took you back? You like Lee, I feel like
• 2:05
  there's such a you such a hypocrite.
• 2:07
  Your wife forgave you. She took you back.
• 2:09
  What's Why shouldn't we take our narcissistic partner back
• 2:12
  Because they're not putting in the work, they're not putting in
• 2:16
  the workout. Any somebody anybody can say
• 2:20
  I'm. Going to change?
• 2:22
  Anybody can utter those words. Those words can be said by
• 2:25
  anybody on the planet, right? Anybody on the planet can open
• 2:28
  them up and say I'm going to change.
• 2:30
  I promise to never do it again. But what proof do you have that
• 2:33
  they're not going to do it again?
• 2:35
  If this is their third offense, they've struck out.
• 2:37
  If this is strike this, if this is their third strike, they're
• 2:40
  out three strikes. And you're out in baseball, but
• 2:43
  they get more than three strikes with you.
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  Come on. What more?
• 2:48
  Like what more do they have to do to you or have to take from
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  you? So you just say, no, I'm not
• 2:55
  forgiving you. No, I'm not taking you back.
• 2:57
  What more do they have to do? They've done, They didn't put
• 3:00
  you through the wrinkles. You don't lost friends,
• 3:02
  families, income, job, sanity, weight gain, weight, whatever it
• 3:06
  is, you don't lost so much for this person.
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  You keep constantly forgiving and they haven't changed, not
• 3:13
  one bit. So what more?
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  What are you telling yourself right now to make you think you
• 3:17
  should take this? Person back.
• 3:19
  Well Lee, they did 1/3 be session, who gives a damn if
• 3:22
  they did 1/3 BE? What is 1/3 BE session going to
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  do for anybody? 1/3 be the first third be
• 3:28
  session is intake. I'm just the third be.
• 3:30
  Don't know my name but where I'm from.
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  You know what? I I went to that.
• 3:34
  First third be session babe, I learned a.
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  Lot. I think I'm, I think I, I, I
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  know what's going on. I'm going to make the changes
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  for you, babe. I'm going to do it.
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  No, no. What proof do you have of any
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  type of stability that they're going to provide you while being
• 3:53
  in therapy or working on themselves?
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  What proof? Well, take, take me back first
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  and then I'll go to therapy. No, forgive me.
• 4:01
  Then I'll put it in the work. No earned earn the forgiveness.
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  What have they done to earn your forgiveness?
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  What have they done? I don't and I'm not talking
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  about buying you shit y'all. I don't give a damn about buying
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  like y'all. If you, if your forgiveness is
• 4:15
  for sale, this video is not for you.
• 4:18
  If your if your forgiveness is for sale, if your forgiveness
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  has a price tag attached to it, this video is not for you.
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  Because that means that anything that they do, they can just give
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  you some money or purse or some glasses or PS5 and that's
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  they'll they'll be forgiven. This video is not for you if
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  your if your forgiveness has a price tag attached to it.
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  Emotions don't have a price tag on them y'all At least I can cry
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  in a bins. Cool then cry in the bins and go
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  go find somebody to go help you y'all.
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  I'm telling you at least I I'll cry in Paris while my my partner
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  has three kids on me and beats my ass.
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  Come on now. That's not happiness, that's
• 4:55
  feigning happiness. That's material happiness.
• 4:58
  What about your internal emotional happiness?
• 5:02
  Lee I don't like the tone of this video.
• 5:03
  Y'all, I don't either, but I feel like I have to breakthrough
• 5:06
  sometimes. You have to get a new tone.
• 5:08
  If the old jokey, jokey, funny, funny tone wasn't reaching to
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  you, made you feel nice and sweet inside, this was going to
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  joke you. I got to joke you sometimes,
• 5:16
  y'all? I got to joke you.
• 5:18
  I care about all of you. I want all of y'all to win.
• 5:20
  I would not do this if I didn't want you to win and I need y'all
• 5:24
  to. Understand that I.
• 5:26
  Would not be doing this right now if I didn't want you to win.
• 5:30
  I want you to win. No hoes bar.
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  I want you to win. I want you to just be able to
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  scream from the top of the mountains that you're doing the
• 5:38
  best you can. I want you to win.
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  So just fervently, I want you to win at all, 'cause I want you to
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  win and have a happy, healthy life.
• 5:45
  But you can't. Do that constantly forgiving and
• 5:48
  giving 2nd, 3rd, 14th chances to a known abuser.
• 5:52
  What are you telling yourself The tales that we.
• 5:55
  Tell the. Tal.
• 5:57
  ES. That we tell Tel.
• 6:00
  L ourselves. What are you telling yourself
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  that makes you think that? This person is going to change.
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  I don't want to hear about hope I.
• 6:07
  Don't want to hear about potential.
• 6:08
  What? Give me some truth, give me some
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  logic, give me some real LifeProof evidence that this
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  person is going to change. I don't care if they left you
• 6:16
  for somebody else and they started treating the new person
• 6:18
  better and you watched it. That doesn't mean they change.
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  That doesn't mean that they treated the other person better
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  when they could have did the same thing for you.
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  That means that they were intentionally treating you badly
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  and it has less to do with you than what you think.
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  It is only why they treat me so badly.
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  But the new person so much so much better.
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  Why did you allow it to be happening?
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  Y'all you see what I'm saying? That's what the that's that's
• 6:37
  the mind of the narcissist. Well, if.
• 6:39
  It was so bad, why would you stay so long?
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  If it was so bad, why would you take me back?
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  That's they're blaming you for your own abuse.
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  This is not me blaming you. This is them.
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  This is the mind of a narcissist.
• 6:50
  They are blaming you for being, for being a participant in your
• 6:54
  own abuse. They make it seem like they're
• 6:56
  like like, like they just say if you've got weapons as a kid,
• 7:00
  they're just saying you took your belt off.
• 7:02
  You took your own belt though you used to hold your britches
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  up and you handed it to your parent and they beat your ass
• 7:07
  with a belt. They're saying you're a
• 7:10
  participant. In your abuse.
• 7:12
  You're not. We're no longer going to be
• 7:15
  proxies in our own life. You.
• 7:16
  It's time for you to stand up and empower yourself, y'all.
• 7:18
  Like seriously, I want you to win so badly.
• 7:20
  I get angry, I get fired. I don't feel the fire in this
• 7:23
  video. I don't know what to.
• 7:24
  Tell you. I've been wanting y'all to.
• 7:26
  Win y'all, I've heard so many stories.
• 7:27
  About people who have the ability to win and you don't.
• 7:29
  You don't take the next step. Well, maybe I should get another
• 7:33
  chance. Maybe you shouldn't.
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  What's the worst that could happen to me?
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  Getting another chance? You could die.
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  What's worse than that? You losing your kids.
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  You see what I'm saying? What's worse than that?
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  You reacting to something that they do.
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  You abusing them. You getting you.
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  You getting You have an episode of reactive abuse.
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  You attack them, they press charges, you go to jail.
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  You lose your job, you lose your kids.
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  You. Have to start.
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  Over from scratch and all you have to do is not let them back
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  into your life y'all? Need to start telling yourself a
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  better? Story because should you forgive
• 8:06
  them? Most times the answer to that
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  question will be no, because they haven't earned it.
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  What the hell have they done to earn this forgiveness?
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  Any anybody can. Be on their best behavior for a
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  little while. I forgave them and if two weeks
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  later right back to their same actions blaming me again.
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  Anybody can be be. Anybody can.
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  Act right for a couple of. Days anybody can act right for a
• 8:25
  couple of weeks. Anybody.
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  It's consistent change. Consistent changed behavior is
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  the only. Acceptable apology.
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  Consistency over time. Yeah.
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  Believe. How long is how long is
• 8:39
  overtime? Overtime is longer than a week.
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  It's longer than two weeks. It might be 23456 months.
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  Believe. What if they don't want to wait
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  six months? They said two, six months is too
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  long. Then fuck them.
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  Let them go. They said six months is too
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  long. They're going to find somebody
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  else. This isn't worth it.
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  They they open their mouth and tell you that they don't want to
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  put the work. In they earn your trust.
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  They earn your forgiveness then buy that's the they should not
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  be. If they are put in a timeline on
• 9:05
  your forgiveness then tell them bye.
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  If they, they. Themselves are putting up well
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  you got two weeks to forgive me and I'm a moved.
• 9:13
  On there's not them being sorry, that's them trying to rush the
• 9:16
  healing process for you. And if you you know, if you rush
• 9:19
  anything to heal, it doesn't heal.
• 9:20
  Correctly if you. Peel that scab off because that
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  scab is this scab is unsightly and the scab don't look good.
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  RIP it. Off and you're bleeding again.
• 9:30
  You you trying to rush the healing process.
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  Sometimes you got to go through the scab.
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  Let the scab heal. It takes time.
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  Should I forgive them time? Give yourself time.
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  I'm talking about giving them time.
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  Give yourself time. Time to heal and time to see
• 9:44
  what you really want. Because they're going to try to
• 9:47
  rush it. Because rushing, rushing you
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  benefits them. And if they rush you, they're
• 9:51
  still selfish. If they rush you, they don't
• 9:53
  care about your feelings. If they rush you, then they not
• 9:55
  really sorry. You don't rush people that you
• 9:59
  actually care about to try to try to make amends to.
• 10:03
  What are you rushing? No, we don't rush.
• 10:06
  You don't rush me. No, no, no.
• 10:11
  We're we. This is the empowerment channel,
• 10:13
  y'all. We need to empower each other.
• 10:14
  We need to keep taking your power.
• 10:16
  Back standing on your own 2 feet, standing on being the
• 10:19
  strongest version of yourself. You can't do that.
• 10:21
  Constantly forgiving somebody to just keep hurting, to keep doing
• 10:23
  the same thing over and over again.
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  That's the definition of insanity.
• 10:27
  Doing the same things over and over again and expecting a
• 10:29
  different outcome. Taking this, taking a person
• 10:32
  back that keeps doing the same thing over and over again is all
• 10:35
  this damn near insanity is going to drive you crazy.
• 10:38
  I. Feel like I'm going crazy.
• 10:39
  Because you are. It's the definition of insanity
• 10:42
  is doing the same thing over and over again until it's doing the
• 10:45
  same thing over and over again, expecting a different result,
• 10:47
  forgiving the same person over and over again, expecting a
• 10:49
  different result. There's not going to be a
• 10:50
  different result they shown you. It's not going to be a different
• 10:53
  result they shown you. They say show show.
• 10:55
  And tell I'm showing you. And I'm telling you that they're
• 10:58
  not going to be different. So my actions.
• 11:00
  Are showing you and telling you that there's not going to be
• 11:02
  different. So but I need you to take me
• 11:04
  back. No, you don't need them to take
• 11:05
  you back. You don't need that.
• 11:07
  You don't need it. Y'all take your time and he'll I
• 11:11
  want y'all to win. I know it sounds like I know it
• 11:13
  sounds like I'm coming down on you.
• 11:14
  I know it sounds like I'm trying to hurt.
• 11:16
  Hurting your feelings. I know that's.
• 11:17
  What it sounds like, right? I know that's what it sounds
• 11:19
  like. But I want you to win.
• 11:21
  This is. Lee, you talking to us like a
• 11:23
  parent? I got 3.
• 11:24
  Kids, y'all. I got three kids sometimes.
• 11:26
  Sometimes I feel like I got MO when I want y'all to.
• 11:28
  Win so bad like I got MO feel like I got a.
• 11:30
  Million kids. Come.
• 11:31
  Here, my little million babies. Like I'm a seahorse and shooting
• 11:33
  out babies. Little narcissistic seahorse.
• 11:35
  Like come here my little babies. I want y'all all to heal.
• 11:39
  Come here. Come here, Come.
• 11:40
  Come, I do. Want y'all to heal?
• 11:42
  I'm dead serious. I want you to win.
• 11:44
  You should not take back an abusive person that's still
• 11:47
  abusive I. Don't care if they're crying in
• 11:49
  front. Of you, I don't care if they're
• 11:50
  sneezing, snot rolling. From their nose.
• 11:52
  About to throw up. Threatening.
• 11:53
  To harm themselves. Farting everywhere.
• 11:55
  Like seriously. I don't care.
• 11:56
  If they do any of that. Do not take that person back
• 11:58
  without any type of change behavior.
• 12:00
  If they're crying, talking about I can't believe how much I hurt
• 12:03
  you, I know I hurt you but I'm hurting too.
• 12:05
  If they write you an apology letter, y'all look, I'm going to
• 12:07
  be real with you. If they apologize to you and
• 12:09
  they mention if they even open a damn mouse or open a ink pen or
• 12:14
  pencil and say I'm hurting too, fuck them.
• 12:18
  Let them go because they still make the apology to you about
• 12:22
  them. I can't.
• 12:24
  I know you're hurting but I'm hurting too.
• 12:26
  I'm hurting so bad because I hurt you.
• 12:28
  They made it about them. They're still making apologies
• 12:31
  about them. I can't believe I'm such an A
• 12:35
  hole and I hurt you so bad. Like she can't beep beep beep
• 12:39
  beep. Come on now y'all.
• 12:41
  I really, truly want y'all to win.
• 12:44
  There's nothing more I want than y'all to win.
• 12:47
  That's truth. That's truth to the heart.
• 12:49
  That's truth to the game. This is me to you wanting you to
• 12:51
  win. Lee Hammock wants you to win.
• 12:53
  You should not forgive somebody that's going to be consistently
• 12:55
  abusive in the. SEC.
• 12:56
  If you do, take them back in the.
• 12:57
  Second, they mess. Up again, let them go.
• 13:01
  Let them go. Believe they should be.
• 13:02
  Everybody's going to make mistakes.
• 13:04
  How many mistakes are you going to forgive?
• 13:05
  Would they forgive you for doing the same thing to them that you
• 13:07
  did, they did to you if they put you through?
• 13:11
  1/3 a. Quarter 25%.
• 13:15
  If you put them through 25% of the stuff that they put you
• 13:18
  through, they forgive you 10. Percent, 5% do you?
• 13:25
  See what I'm saying 55 not even 5%.
• 13:28
  I wouldn't forgive you. I don't know.
• 13:30
  I couldn't forgive you You got a better heart than me.
• 13:32
  You got a bigger heart than me. That means they think you're
• 13:34
  stupid if they if you ask them, hey, will you forgive me for?
• 13:38
  Doing the same thing to you that you did to me.
• 13:40
  Now I can do that. You got a big heart though.
• 13:42
  Like you. Such a kind, caring person.
• 13:43
  They think you're stupid, they think you're gullible, they're
• 13:47
  playing your face. If they say no but you, they
• 13:51
  think you're silly minded. They think you childish minded.
• 13:54
  They think they can do anything they want to and get away with
• 13:56
  it. It's not you.
• 13:59
  Check out Doctor Romney's book. It will.
• 14:00
  It will drive that message home more than I can drive.
• 14:03
  I can tell you about anything. It's not you.
• 14:06
  But anyways, y'all empower yourself to keep moving forward.
• 14:08
  I'm super thankful, super grateful for every single one of
• 14:11
  you. Stay in power.
• 14:12
  Subscribe to the channel if you need some extra help and extra
• 14:15
  boost to be surrounded by support group, I have a support
• 14:18
  group called the Mental Healers courses.mentalillness.net.
• 14:22
  I will see you there. See you later, as always.
• 14:25
  As always, mental. Illness is out.
• 14:27
  Peace. Thank you so much for making it
• 14:29
  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you.
• 14:32
  Have no idea if you haven't. Already make sure.
• 14:34
  You go ahead and subscribe to the channel.
• 14:35
  Helps reach more people. And click on the screen to watch
• 14:38
  another. Video or to browse through
• 14:39
  another playlist. There's also a link on the
• 14:41
  screen to check out my courses and my support groups to help
• 14:44
  you. Heal and understand what you've
• 14:45
  been through. Thank you so much.
• 14:46
  Again, I will see you in the next video.
• 14:48
  Peace.