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Questions to Help You Disentangle After Divorce · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself, supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're never getting separation, divorce, or reorganizing life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to study or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the war and tree people of the Cullen Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, I want to invite all of you listening to make sure you are on my definitely not spammy episodic mailing list, email list.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm looking at new ways of connecting with you all, of inviting you a little bit closer into the Reflect Coaching community, and the mailing list will be where we announce that first.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's about becoming deeply self-trusting, super self-confident, and then consciously choosing and creating a joyful, pleasurable, fulfilling life after divorce.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: So it's for you if you are still in the messy bits but looking for what might come next.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's for you if you're out the other side and thinking, what next?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's even for you if you are five years down the track and you think I should be feeling better than this now.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, it's coming, I think, I hope, fingers crossed, it's coming soon.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's something that speaks to you, jump on the mailing list.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, as I said, it's not spammy, and it's very episodic because I'm not that organized when it comes to my mailing list, but that's where we announce stuff.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Here on the podcast, yes, but definitely via email.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you want early access to all the GC stuff, make sure you sign up.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Just follow the I think it's Work With Me link in the show notes and it will take you through.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So today's episode is a follow-up episode to last week's.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't listened to last week's episode, I would invite you to pause this and go back and listen to that, and then come back in here and listen to the questions that I'm going to lead you through.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's questions to ask yourself to support your disentangling.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: Questions to help you disentangle after divorce.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: Series of questions to ask yourself to disentangle after divorce or the breakdown of a long-term relationship.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because ending a marriage, long-term partnership, and emotionally disentangling from it are not the same thing.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship can be over in all of the ways, legally, socially, and still very much alive in your nervous system, in your body.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Last week we talked about entanglement, and entanglement attachment isn't just love, it's shared identity, shared routines, shared decision making, shared regulation, nervous system regulation, shared or dysregulation, depending, shared future planning, shared dreams, right?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in the subtle, it's the subtle ways that your life slowly wraps around another person's financially, emotionally, socially, psychologically, even biologically.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you start making decisions as we, even if you're the one making the decision, you're thinking along we.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: You start perhaps filtering your choices and decisions through someone else's preferences.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: You start adjusting your nervous system to theirs, their moods, their rhythms, their needs, and often you don't even notice that that's happening because that's how attachment works, right?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: We are humans and wired for connection.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: And from very early on, our attachment systems learn how to bond, how to seek safety, how to regulate, co-regulate through proximity to another person, and in long-term relationships, that wiring deepens.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Your brain begins to and your body actually begins to really associate that person with familiarity and therefore safety, even if, even if the relationship itself wasn't consistently safe or happy or fulfilling.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: So over time you start to co-regulate, and this means that your nervous system really calibrates around another person.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: Their presence becomes familiar, their voice becomes regulating.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Even the conflict can become predictability, predictable, I'm sorry.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that predictability often feels safer than uncertainty, right?
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know the cycle, you know the arguments are coming, and that feels safe in some ways.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not I need to clarify, I'm not actually talking abusive relationships here, okay?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: Caveat on that.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the predictability, even of your disagreement argument cycle, can feel safer than the uncertainty of what's the alternative, right?
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your body in relationship learns the patterns of another person, right?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: It learns when to brace, when to be on the defensive, it learns when to soften, when to anticipate.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a lot of loss when this relationship ends.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't just loss of the person, loss of the relationship, loss of companionship.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: It can be loss of that regulation, right?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Loss of familiarity, loss of safety, because familiarity feels safe, right?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your system, your nervous system suddenly has to self-regulate in ways and spaces and places that it used to rely on other or outsource, right?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: And that can feel it can trigger anxiety, feels disorienting, it feels destabilizing, it can feel you know restlessness and doubt and a pull back towards what is familiar, not necessarily because it was healthy, but because it's known.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: So your nervous system prioritizes familiarity sometimes over deep fulfillment, right?
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: Predictability over potential.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: So when you leave or a relationship ends, even if you know it's the right decision, or when you're left, your body can interpret that internally, that shift as threat, right?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Unsafe.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's why you can know you don't want to go back and you still miss someone.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's why when there's silence from the other person, or even the end of all the legal processes, right?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: It can feel unexpectedly destabilizing, unsettling.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: You want for so long all this legal stuff, financial separation, all the things to be done, and then when it is done, it can feel unexpectedly unsettling.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Disentangling can take a lot longer than you expect.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it is delayed when the legal and financial stuff or even the parenting stuff is complicated or extended, and so it can come as a surprise to find that all of that's done, and then this feeling feeling of longing and loss and grief and pull back pops up.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're so enmeshed in the process, if it's long, protracted, you know, high conflict, complicated, layered, that you expect to feel great once you're through and you don't.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And that can be really that can come as a real surprise.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: So disentangling is the process of gently separating the final connections, the final threads.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And that's difficult if you've still got entwined lives because your parents or you've got a business together or whatever, right?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not talking the legal financial things here, I'm talking the emotional threads, and it's a process that's that's supported or done by really bringing more conscious awareness to what was attachment, what was hope, what was identity, and what is now and going forward really yours.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's what today's episode is really about.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm gonna walk you through a long set of questions that are designed to help you untangle those emotional threads.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't want you to feel rushed or forced towards, you know, closure in doing this process.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: It might be that it takes time, right?
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gonna listen to this podcast episode and magically have processed your disentangling, but it it's a process that can help you see a bit more clearly, and clarity can create movement, forward momentum, and that in turn can bring peace, closure, healing, unraveling, finally, that disentangling.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: Often say to clients, disentangling is really about reclamation, it's about reclaiming you, your shape, your space in the world, and teaching your inner compass, your nervous system, your inner knowing that you are really safe to stand solo in this world.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So as I lead you through the questions, take your time, pause between each question, journal if you want, talk it out loud, and let you let this go at your own pace, right?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's also the opportunity in the show notes to download and access and download a PDF version of these questions so that you can print them off or save them digitally and come back to them.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I've also divided them into a few sort of phases, I guess, just to make it a little easier.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: So the first phase, let's call it, is awareness or seeing clearly.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: So this is really about noticing reality without judgment.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So the questions for this phase of awareness are as follows.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, in one word, how does this relationship feel now?
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: So remember, as reality without judgment.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: How does this relationship feel now?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Question two, what do you miss and what do you not miss?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Question three, were there moments that made you feel alive?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And were there moments that made you feel smaller or unseen?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Question four Remember awareness, notice reality without judgment.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Question four, knowing what you know now about the other person, about the dynamic between the two of you, if you met them today exactly as they are, exactly as you are, would you still choose them?
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Question five, when you picture your ideal, expansive, expanded dream future, are they in that picture?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Are they standing beside you?
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if yes, why?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Question six, was there meaningful growth left for you inside the relationship, or were you repeating the same lessons?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Another way to say this is were you looping, having the same discussions, arguments, conversations on repeat?
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: Were you asking for the same things over and over and not being met?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: Or had you perhaps got to the point where you weren't even asking any longer?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Was there meaningful growth left for you inside this relationship?
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Question seven, what did you gain from this relationship that you believe or believed you couldn't get from anywhere else or from yourself?
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: What did you gain from being in this relationship?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: Question eight, which hopes, stories, dreams are you still feeding about what could have been?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Phase two is about accountability, self-honesty without blame.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Question nine, in what ways did you abandon yourself, soften or minimize your needs, or become someone different, perhaps someone you didn't like to keep the relationship alive, afloat?
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: Question ten What did you tolerate or accept that you would not again?
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: What did you tolerate or accept?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: Eleven.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: How did fear influence your choices inside this relationship?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: What part did fear play in this keeping you in this relationship?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I guess is really what we're asking here.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: What how did fear influence your choices?
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Question twelve.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: What was your role?
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, self-honesty, self-accountable accountability without blame.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: What part did you play in maintaining the dynamic of the relationship, particularly dynamics that weren't serving you?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Thirteen.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: Did you confuse endurance, longevity, sacrifice, patience with love?
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: Fourteen, what do you need to forgive yourself for now?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to forgive yourself for?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Fifteen, how have you grown since the end of this relationship?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: How have you grown since the end of this relationship?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And question 16, what are the lessons?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: What are the lessons that you can honour from this experience?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: Phase three is the reality versus fantasy.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is about disentangling the attachment, right?
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: I spoke about it in last week's episode, reality versus fantasy.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: So question 17, in what ways did the other person actually change, grow, or evolve to sustain the connection between the two of you?
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: What ways did that actually show up, really, is a question I suppose.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: 18.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: Which promises were real and fulfilled and which were potential or fantasy?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: 19.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: What version of them or the relationship?
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: It could be about the person or the relationship, are you actually missing?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: The real person or the person you hoped they would become?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Question 20.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Which parts are your of your longing or your entanglement, whatever you want to call it, are for the person, the relationship, and which are for yourself or your imagined future?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, that's reality versus fantasy, right?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: 21.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: If the part of you that knew the truth back then could speak now, what would it say?
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: And the old classic, I almost didn't put this one in, but I did.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-two, if your friend or your child were in this same relationship, disentangling from this relationship, what would you tell them?
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty three.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: What assumptions or stories about love, loyalty, marriage, relationships are keeping you attached?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: What assumptions or stories are you telling yourself or are you embedded in that are keeping you attached?
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-four.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_00: What truths, what realities have you ignored, rationalized away, minimized?
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: What truths are you blinked to?
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, phase four, emotional release boundaries.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-five, what emotions are you avoiding by holding on?
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: Loneliness, grief, regret, fear of starting over, fear of fallout, fear you'll never find love again, whatever it is for you.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: What are you avoiding feeling by staying tangled, entangled?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: What emotions are you avoiding by holding on?
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-six.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Which of your fears are disguised as longing?
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: Regret, wishful thinking, whatever you want to put it, however you want to put it?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Which fears are disguised by longing, wishing for different?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: 27.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: What would it mean to let this relationship be complete?
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Full circle, loops closed, even if it feels unfinished, unfair, what would it mean for you to be able to let this relationship be complete?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-eight, what boundaries, and they can be emotional, psychological, physical, digital, what boundaries do you need now to protect your healing and to support your disentangling?
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: What boundaries do you need now?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Twenty-nine.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: What part of your attachment is tied to habit, familiarity, not love, not connection?
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of the attachment are tied to habit, to security, to safety, to familiarity?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And thirty patterns.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are there recurring patterns that you notice in this relationship that you want to leave behind?
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_00: Are there patterns that you can notice?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: What are they?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And are you willing or ready to leave them behind?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: Phase five, reclamation.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: Reclamation of self, vision for the future, the juicy stuff.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_00: Question 31.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you becoming now?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you becoming now that you no longer have to manage the relationship, wait or hope for them to change or show up differently?
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_00: Who are you becoming now?
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_00: That you've got all that time and space to choose for yourself.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: 32.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: What parts of yourself, your energy, or your life can you reclaim immediately?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: They might be tiny little reclamations, but they're there.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're waiting for you to notice them.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: So what parts of yourself, your energy, your life can you reclaim right now?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: 33.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: What values do you want your future, including future relationships, be they friendships, co-working relationships, family relationships, intimate partner relationships?
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: What values do you want your future to be built on?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_00: Get really clear on your values.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: What is important to you?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And in addition to that, were those values honored, respected, and yeah, honored and respected in that past life, in that relationship, in the relationship you're disentangling yourself from.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because that can be a key, right?
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: Drill down, work out what your Values are for life, love relationships?
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Were they were they upheld within that container, within that relationship?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if no, if the answer is no, then it's one less thread connecting you, right?
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: Question 34.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: What does emotional nervous system relational safety look like for you without shrinking, without minimizing, without self-abandoning?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: What does emotional and relational safety look like for you?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: And again, that second part of the question, was that present evident part of the relationship that you were disentangling from?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: If not, snip, there's another thread between the two of you, between you and that past version of your life severed.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: Question 35.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you trusted yourself deeply, even if not completely, if you trusted yourself deeply, even just enough, what would you do next?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not forever, but just next.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you trusted yourself just enough, what would you do next?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: And 36, last question How will you honour and celebrate yourself for disentangling?
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, but even just for showing up for this podcast today, even just listening, even just showing up for this process, even if you only answer one of the questions, how will you honour and celebrate yourself for showing up for you?
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_00: So after all of those questions, take a deep breath.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: Notice what came up for you, if anything, if you've got some answers already, jot them down.
• 23:59
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they surprised you.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Others might take a little bit of time to surface or unfold, right?
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Disentangling from a long-term partnership, relationship, marriage is a process.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about erasing things or pretending you're done.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_00: It's about gently loosening that attachment and reorientating, reorientating, re-orient, well, I can't even say it, turning towards, how about we say turning back towards yourself, reclaiming yourself and rebuilding that sense of inner safety, inner peace within ourselves, within yourself, and then trusting in what's coming.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: So you can return to these questions anytime.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Journal, meditate, or even just sit with them in quiet reflection, let them simmer in your subconscious.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: And each time you come back to them, you will start to notice things.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: You'll notice more clarity, you'll notice more freedom, and often more softness, more compassion towards yourself, and hopefully a less of a pull backwards and more of a pull forwards.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they're designed to do, right?
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Shift that focus from the rear view to a forward focus, future focus, self-trusting, self-led, consciously choosing where you're headed next.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here, spending some time with me.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who would benefit from listening to this, please share it with them.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: Rate, review, follow the podcast.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: Helps me get it into everybody else's ears or anybody else's ears who needs to listen.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, go gently.
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 26:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,